Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[ttfn555]

I understand there are people pro-divorce and you question while they are still here- on the flip side there are people here who are in reconciliation after years and are still struggling and question their decision! We all struggle with the aftermath of infidelity no matter what path we choose- it is our own individual choice and I think it's great people are vocal on both sides- as a bs I wonder if I should have fought harder but I just didn't have much of a choice- my hand was forced. We are all individuals and here to share our stories but there are always differing views to learn from. Just my opinion

[drifter777]

It's been two years since I found out about my wife's other life and we ,as it's called, are "reconciling". There is never complete reconciliation, never. It is something I think about everyday. I still follow her on a gps app she knows is on her phone. Sometimes it gets turned off but never for more than 8 hours, then when she gets back home she acts different, maybe it's because I do. I catch her lying to me about things that don't matter and can be easily explained , like oh I forgot. I think she does it to see if I'm still watching. We have been married 35 years. I don't really think I'd feel any different if we we apart. Do I trust her? No. Why am I still around? We'll because it's taken 35 years to build what I have. I have kids and grandkids and I'm not leaving.will she meet my stares ? No she always looks away. Reconciliation? Bull****. It can never happen after the one person you would have trusted more than anyone deceive you. It's the worst feeling in the world. What's changed in me? I've grown , a lot. Wanna cheat on your spouse? Go ahead if they can live with it , you can. I can stare and her and never blink, she can't. My point? I dunno but it helps to rant a little.

Been there; am still there; and I'm doing and feeling the same things you are. How can any man forgive this ultimate betrayal? I don't think anyone does, some just learn to live with it.

[fellini]

I am here years later (started on another board) because of the hundreds of people who helped me when I was as low as a human can help. I learned a boatload of stuff too and I feel that paying that kindness forward is ethically the right thing to do.

 

And I think this is great. This is the best reason to stay.

 

I think the better question VBM is not, why are they still here, but why are there so many still here bagging on BSs, when they received respect and kindness during their initial days. I'm not going to name names, but i did some reading of certain BS'S here in their back stories and original posts. It's extremely confusing to see how their personal trauma was met with some awesome kindness and fantastic support during a crises of indecision, and today they are sh-ting on BS'S FOR not "maning up" and calling their WWS skanks.

 

One might share more than the just outcome of one's decision, even if it is to divorce, but to do so acknowledging the PROCESS one went through, and recognising that you can't just fast track a BS through post dday trauma might help more.

 

We should assume that the decision to stay or go is never taken lightly, and that each new BS needs to go through the same process each time to get to that place.

 

It's simply unhelpful to say to a fresh BS, "look man, 95% of all reconciliation fails, so just save yourself the grief and dump her skank arse on the curb". And those who follow BS threads know that this is a message that gets repeated ad nauseum.

[fellini]

Celophod was on the money. She is happier than a hog in slop because she was able to have a whole lot of extra fun and excitement and has completely gotten away with it. She has had no negative consequences for her actions so it was a solid win for her. She is happy because she was able to pull off having a fun extra life on the side, but has also been able to retain her lifestyle and has not had her life disrupted in any meaningful manner (to her).

..

 

I don't share this sentiment whatsoever. First of all, we all have an obligation to seek happiness. This is self evident.

 

My WW is deriving her happiness from being accepted back into a marriage she nearly destroyed beyond repair after 18 years for "a glimmer of what".

 

Any remorseful WS sees first how close things came to being over already, and are counting their lucky stars they have a BS willing to give them a second chance.

 

Knowing you have been handed a second chance is generally a good source of happiness.

 

To misconstrue that happiness as a kind of "I got away with it" happiness can only come from someone who never tried reconciliation or a BS whose WS never showed remorse.

[oldshirt]

I'm actually neither pro divorce or pro reconciliation. Nor am I stay-together-at-all-costs nor divorce-no-matter-what.

 

What I am is someone who hates to see decent people preyed upon and manipulated and taken advantage of do to their good nature and their reluctance to stand up for themselves if it causes the people taking advantage of them distress.

 

I think VBM is a good person who loves and adores his wife and there for has reluctance in causing his wife distress even though she sht on him.

 

I also think she is capitalizing on his lightheadedness and just trying to save her own bacon and preserve her cush lifestyle.

 

I am all for reconciliation if it is sincere.....but, I still question the sincerity here.

 

The reason I question it is multi-fold. This was not a an office fling in the stairwell while no-one was looking. This was an entrenched, on going affair with professions of love and wanting o be together and with statements of intent to actively deceive and manipulate VBM.

 

That is going to require a higher level of intervention to bust and reconcile than a heated discussion and a few tears.

 

We have all seen reconciliations succeed and we've seen them fail. The ones that have succeeded have been the ones where the BS has taken affirmative actions to destroy the A and to protect their own self interests and have taken a hard line on the WS. Another common factor with the successful Rs has been the WS has felt tangible loss and tangible consequences.

 

The Rs that we have seen fail (continued or additional As, permanent loss of trust/connection etc) have been when the BS is quick to forgive and allows WS back in their hearts without consequence.

[fellini]

Well it seems you have it all figured out, and luck for VBM, you have better insight into his WS than he does.

 

The thing is, you are only partially right, you are only as correct as your experience allows you to be.

 

This use of the "we have all" just doesnt hold water. Who are the "we" here?

 

LS? Is that your sample? Because frankly the stories that make it here are just the tip of the iceberg in infidelity.

 

Those, to be quite blunt, are NOT the ONLY conditions upon which reconciliation can and does occur. I do not see myself in your words about what is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for a reconciliation to be successful, and I am 2 years still with my WS, and I don't believe I have to worry about her becoming a "skank" wife, nor does she need to grovel and kiss my feet to prove to me anything. Not everyone reconciles the way you think they do.

 

So I beg to differ. People can offer up their experience, but offering up experience should not be confused with telling a BS what they MUST DO and what they MUST NOT DO with their approach to reconciliation.

 

Too often the kind of advice that is being given in LS is coming FIRST from a person who DID NOT HEED THEIR OWN ADVICE, and SECOND from people who seem to have MORE to say about RECONCILIATION when they have not, nor would not, nor believe anyone should even TRY.

 

AND IN FACT their interventions are often clearly an attempt to ridicule, question, enrage, trigger, and otherwise put into question RECONCILIATION.

 

But I challenge you to find a SINGLE POST which does the same AGAINST those WHO THREW IN THE TOWEL TOO QUICKLY.

 

 

 

I'm actually neither pro divorce or pro reconciliation. Nor am I stay-together-at-all-costs nor divorce-no-matter-what.

 

What I am is someone who hates to see decent people preyed upon and manipulated and taken advantage of do to their good nature and their reluctance to stand up for themselves if it causes the people taking advantage of them distress.

 

I think VBM is a good person who loves and adores his wife and there for has reluctance in causing his wife distress even though she sht on him.

 

I also think she is capitalizing on his lightheadedness and just trying to save her own bacon and preserve her cush lifestyle.

 

I am all for reconciliation if it is sincere.....but, I still question the sincerity here.

 

The reason I question it is multi-fold. This was not a an office fling in the stairwell while no-one was looking. This was an entrenched, on going affair with professions of love and wanting o be together and with statements of intent to actively deceive and manipulate VBM.

 

That is going to require a higher level of intervention to bust and reconcile than a heated discussion and a few tears.

 

We have all seen reconciliations succeed and we've seen them fail. The ones that have succeeded have been the ones where the BS has taken affirmative actions to destroy the A and to protect their own self interests and have taken a hard line on the WS. Another common factor with the successful Rs has been the WS has felt tangible loss and tangible consequences.

 

The Rs that we have seen fail (continued or additional As, permanent loss of trust/connection etc) have been when the BS is quick to forgive and allows WS back in their hearts without consequence.

[oldshirt]

 

We have all seen reconciliations succeed and we've seen them fail. The ones that have succeeded have been the ones where the BS has taken affirmative actions to destroy the A and to protect their own self interests and have taken a hard line on the WS. Another common factor with the successful Rs has been the WS has felt tangible loss and tangible consequences.

 

The Rs that we have seen fail (continued or additional As, permanent loss of trust/connection etc) have been when the BS is quick to forgive and allows WS back in their hearts without consequence.

 

Cont.....

 

 

My concern with this particular situation is I am afraid Mrs VBM is at a very high risk of playing along with a false reconciliation even if she isn't completely consciously aware of it at the time.

 

My concern is she has experienced no loss due to her actions and she has not personally experienced any tangible consequences.

 

The only thing she has experienced is an interruption of her affair and VBM being upset with her. Those are the only things that have separated this situation from a regular, normal day for her.

 

Yes, I am sure she has shed tears and been upset at times.

 

But she has had no action taken against her other than words and she has felt no alteration in her lifestyle.

 

I haven't sifted back through the entire thread but I do not recall her spending a single night on her parents couch or a cheap motel room or an apt wondering if her kids will spend the holidays with her. I don't recall her having to secure an attorney to try to fight for her share of the marital assets.

 

I know VBM has threatened her with divorce should she cheat again, but that threat has no teeth or credibility when he has basically done the "pick me!" dance and has has not done anything that would cause her any discomfort or alteration of her lifestyle.

 

She is and always has been secure in her status as his wife and her place in her home and family.

 

My concern there for is that her tears, her promises and her pledges of fidelity are at high risk of being nothing more than damage control in securing her lifestyle and status and not of truly choosing to be with VBM over the OM.

 

when a WS is living in an apt, working with a lawyer to protect their assets, swapping weekends on child visitation, and both families and their social circles are aware of the situation and the divorce proceedings are working their way through the system - that is when a WS is truly feeling the results of their actions and are truly facing their future that they created.

 

It is then that they are making a truly informed decision on if they want to make a sincere and legitimate attempt at reconciliation vs moving with the single life.

 

Cont....

[oldshirt]

Cont....

 

And it is then that the BS MIGHT feel that the WS is credible and sincere when the WS makes the approach for reconciliation.

 

In this case VBM may very legitimately be concerned that the OM just wouldn't take fulltime and that she didn't want to lose her lifestyle so she defaulted back to him and has shed the tears and made the promises that he wanted to hear.

 

He has just cause to question her sincerity and her true motives.

 

I don't pretend to have answers here nor do I have any clue to what's really going on in anyone's mind or heart.

 

I just have concerns this could be a false reconciliation because IMHO (and that's all it is, just one guys opinion) she hasn't felt any true sting from her actions nor earned her way back into his home or heart.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Cont.....

 

 

My concern with this particular situation is I am afraid Mrs VBM is at a very high risk of playing along with a false reconciliation even if she isn't completely consciously aware of it at the time.

 

My concern is she has experienced no loss due to her actions and she has not personally experienced any tangible consequences.

 

The only thing she has experienced is an interruption of her affair and VBM being upset with her. Those are the only things that have separated this situation from a regular, normal day for her.

 

Yes, I am sure she has shed tears and been upset at times.

 

But she has had no action taken against her other than words and she has felt no alteration in her lifestyle.

 

I haven't sifted back through the entire thread but I do not recall her spending a single night on her parents couch or a cheap motel room or an apt wondering if her kids will spend the holidays with her. I don't recall her having to secure an attorney to try to fight for her share of the marital assets.

 

I know VBM has threatened her with divorce should she cheat again, but that threat has no teeth or credibility when he has basically done the "pick me!" dance and has has not done anything that would cause her any discomfort or alteration of her lifestyle.

 

She is and always has been secure in her status as his wife and her place in her home and family.

 

My concern there for is that her tears, her promises and her pledges of fidelity are at high risk of being nothing more than damage control in securing her lifestyle and status and not of truly choosing to be with VBM over the OM.

 

when a WS is living in an apt, working with a lawyer to protect their assets, swapping weekends on child visitation, and both families and their social circles are aware of the situation and the divorce proceedings are working their way through the system - that is when a WS is truly feeling the results of their actions and are truly facing their future that they created.

 

It is then that they are making a truly informed decision on if they want to make a sincere and legitimate attempt at reconciliation vs moving with the single life.

 

Cont....

 

This is a long thread spanning 7 or 8 months now and I think you may have missed some facts and events that happened. The facts are that that the day I confronted her with evidence I gave her a choice of breaking it off that day and confessing EVERYTHING or divorce. I had already accepted that she was choosing divorce and the ultimatum was just a formality. I was honestly surprised she want to stay together and more surprised she was willing to text him it was over. She gave me most of the details about the sexual encounters that morning and we texted the OM and told him never to contact her again. Two days later I allowed her to make a final call to get closure (stupidist thing I could have done and I deserve all the ragging that you want to hand out on that decision). Never the less I had my PI record the conversation that is well documented at the start of this thread. Then a week later we both made a call to the OM and ended it for good with no open doors, etc. But since that call she has been NC and has told me the two times the OM has tried to make contact.

 

But the telling thing to me about any false reconciliation is the meeting we had with my attorney and accountant several month ago. If you look back you can see exactly what took place but in a nutshell they layed out for her what her life would look like after a divorce. It was a very pretty picture and she did not have to choose to remain married to keep her cushy lifestyle. All she had to do was sign on the dotted line and she was set for life. What happened is she became livid that I would assume she was in it for the money and she stormed out of the meeting saying that the only thing she would sign is an agreement that said she got nothing if we divorce. She did not calm down for days after that. So any talk that she is in this for any reason other than love is bulls&*t.

 

You have to understand that we now know the OM is a convicted rapist and she was not aware of that or that he was a serial cheater. She may cheat with someone else but I feel certain that she would not even cough his direction after learning about his past. In a way I feel sorry for her because she was taken for a ride by an aggressive sexual predator that conned her into something that a normal man would have never had a chance in doing and she has destroyed two lives in the process.

 

And you have not been in the room when she talks about how stupid she feels for letting any of this develop. She has said many times that she should have just said thanks but no thanks. But this guy knew all the right things to say to allow her to emotionally open up and once that door was open he groomed her to get what he wanted. All the while making her think she was special and deserved better than what she had. She fell for all his BS hook line and sinker. She was addicted to his attention and all the BS he spewed her way which were all bad pickup lines and techniques. Basically she gave up sex(bad sex at that0 to get the emotional attention.

 

For many months after the affair ended I would wake up in the middle of the night and either be angry or sad and she was vigilant for these times and was there to talk to and comfort me. She still does not sleep much of the night to make sure that I'm OK. Someone that is not in a marriage for the long term and for love does not do that. She has been so incredibly compassionate that it's scary. Her world since dday has resolved around what makes me heal and feel better. She is constantly putting me first in every decision she makes. And remember there are no financial reasons for her to be doing that, she can walk tomorrow and not have to change her life one bit. So I feel she has true remorse and is doing everything possible to allow us to recover. It may still not be enough but I'm giving it a shot.

[oldshirt]

This is a long thread spanning 7 or 8 months now and I think you may have missed some facts and events that happened. The facts are that that the day I confronted her with evidence I gave her a choice of breaking it off that day and confessing EVERYTHING or divorce. I had already accepted that she was choosing divorce and the ultimatum was just a formality. I was honestly surprised she want to stay together and more surprised she was willing to text him it was over. She gave me most of the details about the sexual encounters that morning and we texted the OM and told him never to contact her again. Two days later I allowed her to make a final call to get closure (stupidist thing I could have done and I deserve all the ragging that you want to hand out on that decision). Never the less I had my PI record the conversation that is well documented at the start of this thread. Then a week later we both made a call to the OM and ended it for good with no open doors, etc. But since that call she has been NC and has told me the two times the OM has tried to make contact.

 

But the telling thing to me about any false reconciliation is the meeting we had with my attorney and accountant several month ago. If you look back you can see exactly what took place but in a nutshell they layed out for her what her life would look like after a divorce. It was a very pretty picture and she did not have to choose to remain married to keep her cushy lifestyle. All she had to do was sign on the dotted line and she was set for life. What happened is she became livid that I would assume she was in it for the money and she stormed out of the meeting saying that the only thing she would sign is an agreement that said she got nothing if we divorce. She did not calm down for days after that. So any talk that she is in this for any reason other than love is bulls&*t.

 

You have to understand that we now know the OM is a convicted rapist and she was not aware of that or that he was a serial cheater. She may cheat with someone else but I feel certain that she would not even cough his direction after learning about his past. In a way I feel sorry for her because she was taken for a ride by an aggressive sexual predator that conned her into something that a normal man would have never had a chance in doing and she has destroyed two lives in the process.

 

And you have not been in the room when she talks about how stupid she feels for letting any of this develop. She has said many times that she should have just said thanks but no thanks. But this guy knew all the right things to say to allow her to emotionally open up and once that door was open he groomed her to get what he wanted. All the while making her think she was special and deserved better than what she had. She fell for all his BS hook line and sinker. She was addicted to his attention and all the BS he spewed her way which were all bad pickup lines and techniques. Basically she gave up sex(bad sex at that0 to get the emotional attention.

 

For many months after the affair ended I would wake up in the middle of the night and either be angry or sad and she was vigilant for these times and was there to talk to and comfort me. She still does not sleep much of the night to make sure that I'm OK. Someone that is not in a marriage for the long term and for love does not do that. She has been so incredibly compassionate that it's scary. Her world since dday has resolved around what makes me heal and feel better. She is constantly putting me first in every decision she makes. And remember there are no financial reasons for her to be doing that, she can walk tomorrow and not have to change her life one bit. So I feel she has true remorse and is doing everything possible to allow us to recover. It may still not be enough but I'm giving it a shot.

 

 

I hope your gut feeling is more accurate than mine. Mine has been wrong before - many times. It's also been right many times.

 

If I'm wrong this time, all will be well and no animals will be harmed in the filming of this presentation.

 

But a lot is riding on your gut feeling.

 

Follow your gut if you feel you must, but use your head and protect your ass.

Keep working with your attorney to protect your assets as much as you can if she pulls another fast one.

 

Get her out of the house and get her employed and get her on her employers insurance plan.

 

Keep her around and enjoy her company as much as you want but get yourself as prepared as you can so that if she opts out one day or if you catch her with her hand in the cookie jar again, the tangible impact to you will be as minimal as possible.

 

Have a pre plan in place that if she if farts sideways, you can go on about your business no worse for wear.

 

She got away with this one and you are the only one that came away with a black eye. If you think it's best to turn the other cheek this time, that is your prerogative and your call.

 

But just remember, when people turn the other cheek, most all bullys and tyrants always eventually come back to take another swat. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to take another hit or not.

 

Whenever someone does something, it's always easier to do it again.

She had an affair and got away with it. The only thing that was lost for her was some pride and some tears. It's going to be easier to do again.

[fellini]

Alternatively the experience of being in, and coming out of an affair and having to look at "oneself" from the outside in, rather than from the inside out, can have the effect of scaring the sh-t out of a WS about where they have ended up, how they got there, what they have become.

 

And alternatively some BS's do not want to be, anymore, not for anything, that person that they became cheating on someone who has done nothing to deserve to be treated in such a callous way.

 

Some BS's smarten up, not because they have been threatened, had divorce papers thrust in front of them, but merely because they saw that their BS is in pain, and suffering, and in spite of that pain and suffering is willing to just let the marriage end, not to end the suffering, not to throw them under a bus, but because if their WS really wants out, they will not stand in their way.

 

And alternatively some BS's simply grow up, realise they have done something they never imagined doing in 20 years of marriage, and thank their lucky stars their spouse WANTS them back, will take them back but on the condition they work on themselves. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

You see it isnta all flexing muscles, "growing a pair" or struttuing yourself and throwing hellfire and brimestone at a wayward. Sometimes its just reacting in an emotionally controlled respectable way because in the end, that is who the BS is.

 

Not everyone has to live a stereotype to reconcile.

 

Cont....

 

And it is then that the BS MIGHT feel that the WS is credible and sincere when the WS makes the approach for reconciliation.

 

In this case VBM may very legitimately be concerned that the OM just wouldn't take fulltime and that she didn't want to lose her lifestyle so she defaulted back to him and has shed the tears and made the promises that he wanted to hear.

 

He has just cause to question her sincerity and her true motives.

 

I don't pretend to have answers here nor do I have any clue to what's really going on in anyone's mind or heart.

 

I just have concerns this could be a false reconciliation because IMHO (and that's all it is, just one guys opinion) she hasn't felt any true sting from her actions nor earned her way back into his home or heart.

[Poutrew]

VBM, I have a question that might be pertinent to your troubles. If you have already addressed it my apologies, but as you said, this is a long thread. When you let her make that last call, the one your PI recorded, she told the OM that she would tell you that it lasted only a few minutes even though it lasted over an hour. And, that is exactly what she did say to you. Did she ever come clean about the truth of its duration, or what was said? If not, perhaps you want to bring it up and see if now she tells you the truth. If she lies, then IMO, your future is still in jeopardy. She still has secrets to keep from you. At this point you can even offer to tell her you know for a fact that it was a lot longer than 2 - 3 minutes. Maybe you even want to show her the transcript of her side of the conversation...then sit back and listen to her...reconciliation can't proceed without a firm foundation built upon truth. You need this for your own purposes...

 

 

If all else fails, maybe you want to show her this thread and let her read all 50 million pages of it. Then sit back and let us here on LS rip her a new one...

[drifter777]

Alternatively the experience of being in, and coming out of an affair and having to look at "oneself" from the outside in, rather than from the inside out, can have the effect of scaring the sh-t out of a WS about where they have ended up, how they got there, what they have become.

 

I don't know about this. It seems lots of WS's have the sh-t scared out of them if they are busted and their BS goes 180 on them. They panic and beg, cry, promise, and do everything they can do to keep BS from divorcing them. But when the BS agrees to try to reconcile we often see that after a couple months they think the relationship should be back to "normal" and they start to backslide. They wonder why BS doesn't just get over it. They begin to see transparency as an invasion of their privacy. This behavior spells the end of reconciliation. They may stay married but the BS is going to live unhappily ever after.

 

 

And alternatively some BS's (I think you mean WS here) do not want to be, anymore, not for anything, that person that they became cheating on someone who has done nothing to deserve to be treated in such a callous way.

Yes, I think this is true in many cases. The problem is when they simply are unable to resist the allure of cheating. They need outside validation so badly they are willing to trade sex in order to keep it going. It's like an alcoholic whose intentions are to get sober and never drink again. A great goal but fighting off the urges is insanely difficult and most fail a few times before they are able to achieve sobriety. Some never get there.

 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Promises from the WS don't mean much until they actually show change. And they need to show the changes over a long period of time before expecting BS to begin to accept that it is real. At best, reconciliation is a very long, painful, and frustrating road to walk.

[aliveagain]

I could never get over the feeling of soiled goods. Why settle for soiled when you should have Louis Vuitton. If they don't value me enough to stay faithful then they don't deserve me in their life.

[fellini]

I don't personally know a single woman who loved the allure of cheating. My experience is the opposite.

 

 

I don't know about this. It seems lots of WS's have the sh-t scared out of them if they are busted and their BS goes 180 on them. They panic and beg, cry, promise, and do everything they can do to keep BS from divorcing them. But when the BS agrees to try to reconcile we often see that after a couple months they think the relationship should be back to "normal" and they start to backslide. They wonder why BS doesn't just get over it. They begin to see transparency as an invasion of their privacy. This behavior spells the end of reconciliation. They may stay married but the BS is going to live unhappily ever after.

 

While it may be true that reconciliation is a painful and frustrating road to walk, so must be divorce after 20 years of a great marriage. And surely walking that alone is even greater tragedy than two people working together rebuilding something, but this time with eyes wide open.

Edited June 3, 2015 by fellini

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM, I have a question that might be pertinent to your troubles. If you have already addressed it my apologies, but as you said, this is a long thread. When you let her make that last call, the one your PI recorded, she told the OM that she would tell you that it lasted only a few minutes even though it lasted over an hour. And, that is exactly what she did say to you. Did she ever come clean about the truth of its duration, or what was said? If not, perhaps you want to bring it up and see if now she tells you the truth. If she lies, then IMO, your future is still in jeopardy. She still has secrets to keep from you. At this point you can even offer to tell her you know for a fact that it was a lot longer than 2 - 3 minutes. Maybe you even want to show her the transcript of her side of the conversation...then sit back and listen to her...reconciliation can't proceed without a firm foundation built upon truth. You need this for your own purposes...

 

 

If all else fails, maybe you want to show her this thread and let her read all 50 million pages of it. Then sit back and let us here on LS rip her a new one...

 

I'd actually would love for her to answer to a few of you here but there are some details I've talked about here that I'd rather her not know.

 

Yeah we have discussed that call a couple of times now line by line from the transcript. She was devestated when she found out that I had it and that conversation almost led to divorce, it was a rocky few days. Just a couple of days before she had made a lot of promises that were all contradicted by that call. But I've said here several times her "crime" was fu*king another man. All the sexting, call, lying etc. really does not change the crime, that is all to be expected in an affair.

 

 

She has no defense really but the way she has explained the call and what she told him was that she honestly feels like she was just telling him what he wanted to hear and was letting him down easy. Keep in mind my wife is a very attractive women that gets attention whenever she walks into a room and this guy was average at best. She has experienced turning down guys her entire life and she says did not want to destroy him. She is a very kind person (not that anyone here will believe that) and I beleive that she was just trying to ease out of the relationship without hurting him. She felt pretty stupid once she found out he is a serial cheat and convicted rapist but obviously a brilliant con-man.

 

I've learned what typically happens in the immediate aftermath of an affair being discovered is that the AP's often run to each other because their AP is the ONLY person they will get sympathy from. No one else will give them any support for their horrible decisions. After I studied that call with cooler emotions I see that the majority of the time he was talking about how to keep his wife out of it and what he would do to me if I spilled the beans. Much of the time my fWW was trying to talk him out of any physical violence against me. There were a lot of "I love you and I'll miss you" talk but what was telling is that there was absolutely no talk of starting up later after things cooled down or any type of life together or of leaving me. Had there been any indication of that type thing I think it would have been hard to continue.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I could never get over the feeling of soiled goods. Why settle for soiled when you should have Louis Vuitton. If they don't value me enough to stay faithful then they don't deserve me in their life.

 

In my view she is still the Louis Vuitton. I get that a lot of men just can't get past the sex part. I guess since I know she has had sex with me thousands of times and will continue to helps quite a bit. The OM may have had a taste of paradise but it's not anything like having the whole meal any day you want it and knowing she will enjoy herself with me.

 

And I guess I don't see her having sex with someone else as being soiled just like any persons previous lovers "soil" them.

[bigman1]

You know, there are lots of BS's and others who advocate divorce as punishment. Others advocate R because the cheater "gets It" or is "remorseful". I personally think both are way off the mark. As to a cheater, "getting it" .. Whats hard about that? Why does getting that infidelity ruins someone's life merit staying married? They knew that when they cheated. That's why they kept it a secret.

 

As for divorce as a punishment... Well that's crap too. marriage or divorce are results of a process. You fall in love, want a commitment, fidelity and life together and other stuff and you get married. If you drift apart, change, or whatever, you get divorced. Its not like "Congratulations, you won a prize... a spouse" Or Buzzz. Oooh, I'm sorry, you crossed the line...Divorce for you."

 

Now, I can't stand the hypocrites who champion divorce and magically know all the flaws and thoughts of a posters spouse. They are just projecting onto a vulnerable poster. If they stayed married, I am willing to wager that they hate themselves for doing it. There is still some truth in what they say.

 

In the end, if you stay married, you simply have decided that your spouse screwing someone else, lying to you, and exposing you to what ever disease, and risking the stability of your home, finances, and social life was not a deal breaker. In short, you are willing to eat the sh*t sandwich and kiss the cook. No matter how you reason out why you stayed, it boils down to the fact that you wouldn't, couldn't, didn't or won't leave. Your reasons are irrelevant because you stayed.

 

For others, it is a deal breaker. If you stay, good for you, its your life. Still, if anonymous posters on a web site can cause you to change your mind by clamoring for divorce, maybe it was a deal breaker and you just needed support. In the end, your mind is gonna hit you with the same tough issues. If you can ignore them on the web, you can ignore them when you are kissing the cook who served you that sh*t sandwich. Tough practices make game time seem easy. good luck.

[Poutrew]

I'd actually would love for her to answer to a few of you here but there are some details I've talked about here that I'd rather her not know.

 

Yeah we have discussed that call a couple of times now line by line from the transcript. She was devestated when she found out that I had it and that conversation almost led to divorce, it was a rocky few days. Just a couple of days before she had made a lot of promises that were all contradicted by that call. But I've said here several times her "crime" was fu*king another man. All the sexting, call, lying etc. really does not change the crime, that is all to be expected in an affair.

 

 

[...]

 

I've learned what typically happens in the immediate aftermath of an affair being discovered is that the AP's often run to each other because their AP is the ONLY person they will get sympathy from. No one else will give them any support for their horrible decisions. After I studied that call with cooler emotions I see that the majority of the time he was talking about how to keep his wife out of it and what he would do to me if I spilled the beans. Much of the time my fWW was trying to talk him out of any physical violence against me. There were a lot of "I love you and I'll miss you" talk but what was telling is that there was absolutely no talk of starting up later after things cooled down or any type of life together or of leaving me. Had there been any indication of that type thing I think it would have been hard to continue.

 

 

Fair enough, my friend. In the end you gotta do what *you* need to do... This thread reminds me of a story my grandpa used to tell me of his days as a waiter in Chicago during the Great Depression of the 1930's. For some reason, whenever Al Capone and his gangster buds came to the hotel both he and his friend worked at, they would ask for both of them to serve them. For some reason Capone took a liking to them, and well, you *don't * say no to Al Capone. Also the tips were astronomical. Well, one day my grandpas friend was not his usual chipper self, and Capone basically forced him to tell him what was wrong. Turned out the guy's wife was sleeping with another man. Capone and his friends were furious. He told him we'll fix this up right now. He had his thugs go to the guys apartment and the OM's apartment and drag both of them over to the hotel. They were both scared ****less. Now, I don't know the details, but they didn't hurt the girl, just scared her - and they let her see what they do to a rat. They didn't kill anyone that night, but the OM had to go to the hospital for a bad beating. Of course, no charges were ever made. Affair fog was instantly over, and the guy never had any wife troubles again...

 

 

Sometimes I think Al wasn't really such a bad guy...

[fellini]

So eloquently put.

But the fact is you describe two sides of the same coin. But that's okay. You see I think this kind of thinking is natural to some BS'S.

 

You see the world, and thus the options available through a single lens: Divorce or eat a sh-t sandwich. But those are the false dichotomy of a singular completely predictable masculine mindset.

 

What you fail to see, and will never see, ever, because you are so invested in the idea that your life, your wife, has served you up a sh-t sandwich and you have a choice to kiss the chef or eat in another restaurant, what you cannot fathom, is what I would put in the next 20 words to define my options as I see them: ............

 

There is no point in putting them there because either you can't see them, or won't, which allows you comfort in believing it's divorce or hell.

 

Respectfully

 

 

 

You know, there are lots of BS's and others who advocate divorce as punishment. Others advocate R because the cheater "gets It" or is "remorseful". I personally think both are way off the mark. As to a cheater, "getting it" .. Whats hard about that? Why does getting that infidelity ruins someone's life merit staying married? They knew that when they cheated. That's why they kept it a secret.

 

As for divorce as a punishment... Well that's crap too. marriage or divorce are results of a process. You fall in love, want a commitment, fidelity and life together and other stuff and you get married. If you drift apart, change, or whatever, you get divorced. Its not like "Congratulations, you won a prize... a spouse" Or Buzzz. Oooh, I'm sorry, you crossed the line...Divorce for you."

 

Now, I can't stand the hypocrites who champion divorce and magically know all the flaws and thoughts of a posters spouse. They are just projecting onto a vulnerable poster. If they stayed married, I am willing to wager that they hate themselves for doing it. There is still some truth in what they say.

 

In the end, if you stay married, you simply have decided that your spouse screwing someone else, lying to you, and exposing you to what ever disease, and risking the stability of your home, finances, and social life was not a deal breaker. In short, you are willing to eat the sh*t sandwich and kiss the cook. No matter how you reason out why you stayed, it boils down to the fact that you wouldn't, couldn't, didn't or won't leave. Your reasons are irrelevant because you stayed.

 

For others, it is a deal breaker. If you stay, good for you, its your life. Still, if anonymous posters on a web site can cause you to change your mind by clamoring for divorce, maybe it was a deal breaker and you just needed support. In the end, your mind is gonna hit you with the same tough issues. If you can ignore them on the web, you can ignore them when you are kissing the cook who served you that sh*t sandwich. Tough practices make game time seem easy. good luck.

[fellini]

Thankfully some WWS don't need to have their AP beaten beyond recognition to become aware and frightened about losing their marriage.

 

Personally I prefer Al to stay out of my business and leave that between my wife and I.

 

You really think it would be cool to have your wife stay for fear of what resources you might use to do her harm in order to "keep her in line"?

 

What VBM is saying is his WW is being her own Capone. This works for me too. And the good news is the AP is no longer the allure but not because he has been disfigured by Al Capone, but by the WW herself on her own terms.

 

Fair enough, my friend. In the end you gotta do what *you* need to do... This thread reminds me of a story my grandpa used to tell me of his days as a waiter in Chicago during the Great Depression of the 1930's. For some reason, whenever Al Capone and his gangster buds came to the hotel both he and his friend worked at, they would ask for both of them to serve them. For some reason Capone took a liking to them, and well, you *don't * say no to Al Capone. Also the tips were astronomical. Well, one day my grandpas friend was not his usual chipper self, and Capone basically forced him to tell him what was wrong. Turned out the guy's wife was sleeping with another man. Capone and his friends were furious. He told him we'll fix this up right now. He had his thugs go to the guys apartment and the OM's apartment and drag both of them over to the hotel. They were both scared ****less. Now, I don't know the details, but they didn't hurt the girl, just scared her - and they let her see what they do to a rat. They didn't kill anyone that night, but the OM had to go to the hospital for a bad beating. Of course, no charges were ever made. Affair fog was instantly over, and the guy never had any wife troubles again...

 

 

Sometimes I think Al wasn't really such a bad guy...

[VeryBrokenMan]

I agree there are some men who do not have forgiveness in them and see reconciliation as weak and eating a s**t sandwich. I see that as a clear sign of a weak man not a strong man. They are not able to allow themselves to get past the masculine pretense of their being, accept reality and accept that sometimes bad things just happen and sometimes women make bad choices. My dad was a WWII officer and was in many battles and he was one of the strongest most solid men I'd ever known. He once told me that he could tell the real men(and real hero's) from the wanna be's because they were not afraid to cry. The wanna-be's just kept up a facade and they were often the ones that he could not count on when the s**t hit the fan.

 

I believe that people deserve second chances and it's not one strike you're out for many of the bad things that happen in this world. Clearly we all make mistakes and bad choices in our lives and had it been me that made a tragic choice I'd like to think I'd be given a second chance. So no that's not eating a s**t sandwich, that is being a kind and compassionate human being that recognizes that everyone is flawed in some way.

 

You know, there are lots of BS's and others who advocate divorce as punishment. Others advocate R because the cheater "gets It" or is "remorseful". I personally think both are way off the mark. As to a cheater, "getting it" .. Whats hard about that? Why does getting that infidelity ruins someone's life merit staying married? They knew that when they cheated. That's why they kept it a secret.

 

As for divorce as a punishment... Well that's crap too. marriage or divorce are results of a process. You fall in love, want a commitment, fidelity and life together and other stuff and you get married. If you drift apart, change, or whatever, you get divorced. Its not like "Congratulations, you won a prize... a spouse" Or Buzzz. Oooh, I'm sorry, you crossed the line...Divorce for you."

 

Now, I can't stand the hypocrites who champion divorce and magically know all the flaws and thoughts of a posters spouse. They are just projecting onto a vulnerable poster. If they stayed married, I am willing to wager that they hate themselves for doing it. There is still some truth in what they say.

 

In the end, if you stay married, you simply have decided that your spouse screwing someone else, lying to you, and exposing you to what ever disease, and risking the stability of your home, finances, and social life was not a deal breaker. In short, you are willing to eat the sh*t sandwich and kiss the cook. No matter how you reason out why you stayed, it boils down to the fact that you wouldn't, couldn't, didn't or won't leave. Your reasons are irrelevant because you stayed.

 

For others, it is a deal breaker. If you stay, good for you, its your life. Still, if anonymous posters on a web site can cause you to change your mind by clamoring for divorce, maybe it was a deal breaker and you just needed support. In the end, your mind is gonna hit you with the same tough issues. If you can ignore them on the web, you can ignore them when you are kissing the cook who served you that sh*t sandwich. Tough practices make game time seem easy. good luck.

[66Charger]

And yet here you sit with the title Very Broken Man.

 

How is that not a s@@t sandwich?

 

Not hating on you. But your title, your threads, your words paint a very different story.

[oldshirt]

VBM, I haven't reviewed the 64 pages and I can't remember, did you ever inform the OM's wife?

[VeryBrokenMan]

And yet here you sit with the title Very Broken Man.

 

How is that not a s@@t sandwich?

 

Not hating on you. But your title, your threads, your words paint a very different story.

 

I picked that user name 8 months ago in a very dark period where things looked bleak but now I'm stronger, much happier and more recovered than most just 8 months later. Must be doing something right.