Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[beach]

So many things went right for us "to stay together" once the affair was discovered. Had any one of many issues been slightly different we would be divorced right now. The day I gave her the ultimatum was the first choice she had to make that decided the outcome. The choice given to her was to tell me everything, break it off that day and tell the OM it was over or I would file for divorce later that week. She could have stalled for time, she could have refused, she could have done any number of things that day. She chose to tell me everything and to end it with the OM and has been NC since. That was the first thing that went right to keep us together and since then there have been many forks in the road and she has chosen the right course to allow us to remain a couple each and every time. She has wanted the marriage to survive a lot more than I have most of the time and she has been fighting for it. And an example of that fight is accepting that I have certain conditions for moving forward and remain vigilant to those conditions. A huge condition that comes to mind is to remain NC and to tell me anytime he tries to contact her. And she has done that. There are so many stories here on LS where the WW slips up and things get off track. None of those things have happened in our case so "things have gone right" and we are able to move forward.

 

And for the record there has been no forgiveness as of yet. I'm getting closer every day but I'm not there yet.

 

It looks like you are simplifying the events after discovery day. You say things went well and in your favor and she was honest...but if I remember correctly she trickle truthed you, minimized things and lied to you about her phone call with her OM where she cried that she truly loved him and asked him to contact her again.

 

Are you certain you are remembering things correctly? Or are you remembering them the way you choose to?

 

Sorry to ask - just looking for clarity on what really happened or how you remember things.

[RightThere]

I'd say what is more common is people choose not to avoid being unhappy. This is to say they don't necessarily pursue it, it is that that do not actively reject it, or they submit to it, or they can act in ways to not avoid it.

 

Agreed. I think that is exactly what I mean as well. Same difference in that more often than not, people are responsible for their own happiness (and unhappiness).

[RightThere]

How is it you know these things? It's a fact that most people will not knowing act against their own well being. That suggests that there are people who get something out of not getting over it. I accept that position - it is pretty much universally accepted by shrinks. What I fail to comprehend is how few posters understand that the betrayal of infidelity strikes some people much harder than others. Some BS's are able to move past the betrayal fairly easily and start to focus on the marriage and either fix it or end it. Some people are emotionally devastated and will, likely, never recover to the point that others seem to get to in a year or less.

 

Have you done any research on PTSD? Many advances in treatment have been made over the past few years, mostly because it is finally recognized as a true mental condition. One of the key elements to treating it is to stop using the traditional methods of treatment. For instance, exposure therapy can be effective for many trauma patients, but it is entirely inappropriate - even damaging - to expose a PTSD patient to the circumstances of his trauma. That's because the context of his/her emotional fragility when the event occurred cannot be duplicated. Remember, all soldiers do not suffer from PTSD although they were exposed to the same horrible trauma's as the ones that do. Positive attitude, fake it till you make it, and other pop-psychology is not the way to treat most BS's and certainly not the way to treat those suffering PTSD-like symptoms.

 

BS's who suffer from PTSD-like symptoms should divorce and seek therapy. They will never "heal" but can get to a place of peace. Staying in the "battlefield" is akin to suicide of the spirit. It's an emotional death sentence imposed by themselves.

 

I don't see how any of all that relates to a person's free will to remain unhappy.

 

I don't disagree that PTSD is a real thing and affects BS's (I've experienced it and lived through it). But if you're saying PTSD is the reason some people remain unhappy (and not by choice) I don't disagree that happens.

 

It's just not always the case. People make decisions to move out of unhappy situations and learn to find new happiness. You just can't make a blanket statement no one chooses to remain unhappy. Same as I can't make a blanket statement that everyone who is unhappy, made the choice to remain that way.

[VeryBrokenMan]

It looks like you are simplifying the events after discovery day. You say things went well and in your favor and she was honest...but if I remember correctly she trickle truthed you, minimized things and lied to you about her phone call with her OM where she cried that she truly loved him and asked him to contact her again.

 

Are you certain you are remembering things correctly? Or are you remembering them the way you choose to?

 

Sorry to ask - just looking for clarity on what really happened or how you remember things.

 

I thought at the time she was TT me because that is what I expected based on other stories I read here. In hind sight I had most of the truth the day of the ultimatum. I believe that last phone call was nothing more than her having a shoulder to cry on and the ONLY person in the world that would understand her plight at that moment was the OM. The phone call was long but after reading it again and again most of it was him talking about how I found out and how to keep it from his wife, what he was going to do to me if she found out and my WW trying to talk him out of it. What was not in the call was any talk of leaving me or starting back up later. I've said it before the crime was having sex and falling in love with someone else, the phone call was just another piece of the crime but did not make it worse in my eyes. Believe me I've worked very hard to see reality and to see the affair for what it was.

[VeryBrokenMan]

No, I don't believe this. Your desperate desire was to get your life back to the way it used to be and you are still working on this. And that is a great goal and you seem to be succeeding. But barring anything such as catching them in bed together after D-day or something else just as earth shattering I think you interpreted everything as "the right thing" (i.e. the infamous phone call transcript) and kept moving toward your ultimate goal. There's nothing wrong with this. Doing things the way you did, interpreting things the way you did has worked for you. It is your choice and you know how you want to live your life.

 

I do believe it and that belief allows me to move forward. I've accepted that the marriage might not survive and it has to move forward on my terms and if it does not then I'll be totally OK. That is healthy and exactly the type mindset that is needed to survive reconciliation.

[drifter777]

I don't see how any of all that relates to a person's free will to remain unhappy.

 

I don't disagree that PTSD is a real thing and affects BS's (I've experienced it and lived through it). But if you're saying PTSD is the reason some people remain unhappy (and not by choice) I don't disagree that happens.

 

It's just not always the case. People make decisions to move out of unhappy situations and learn to find new happiness. You just can't make a blanket statement no one chooses to remain unhappy. Same as I can't make a blanket statement that everyone who is unhappy, made the choice to remain that way.

I will stand by my statement that people don't choose to be unhappy. I would add that happiness is not some global human condition that a person either is or is not. I don't think anyone is happy with every facet of their life.

 

I'm sure there are people you think are angry and bitter about life but they may be perfectly happy being a crabby grouch. There is a payoff at some emotional level. It might seem like a horrible way to live but then you are making a value judgment that you have no basis to make. This "crabby grouch" has no reason to change since he is happy with this part of his life.

 

People who are dissatisfied with some part of their life - such as getting over betrayal - and continue to work on it to understand it are certainly not choosing to be unhappy. They are struggling to find peace with it but haven't found it yet. Someone reading this might be unhappy with their weight and have struggled with it for years. These people will not identify themselves as "choosing to be unhappy" with their weight. Especially if they are working hard to address the situation but just haven't found the solution yet. But they might be profoundly happy with much of their family life. Does this make sense to you?

[autumnnight]

I'm sure there are people you think are angry and bitter about life but they may be perfectly happy being a crabby grouch. There is a payoff at some emotional level.

 

This is very astute. If someone remains in pain, they are getting something from that pain. And we all do it from time to time. Honestly, I kept the bitterness at my ex going for a long time because I didn't want to look past his sexual starvation to myself. And (I am ashamed to say this), when we were really at the ugly end, even when I no longer wanted him to come within 10 feet of me, if he hurt me I would throw the sex jab out there because it made me feel better.

 

I think happiness/unhappiness is a continuum, and most of us slide back and forth along it.

[drifter777]

This is very astute. If someone remains in pain, they are getting something from that pain. And we all do it from time to time. Honestly, I kept the bitterness at my ex going for a long time because I didn't want to look past his sexual starvation to myself. And (I am ashamed to say this), when we were really at the ugly end, even when I no longer wanted him to come within 10 feet of me, if he hurt me I would throw the sex jab out there because it made me feel better.

 

I think happiness/unhappiness is a continuum, and most of us slide back and forth along it.

Yes, and I wouldn't judge you as "choosing to be unhappy" for that behavior. It is simply where you were at that time and was likely important to your healing process.

[beatcuff]

I resent you comparing coaching a youth team or drawing parallels with sales approaches to the PTSD that many BS's suffer after D-day. Hey, if you don't understand then fine - you never will. But don't throw out some bumper-sticker phrases and tell us to get over it like your talking to your kids after a loss. It's insulting.

 

You can resent and be insulted all you want. You may not like it but: FAILURE IS THE GREATEST TEACHER and YOU CONTROL YOUR HAPPINESS.

 

 

FAILURE

I will wait while you look up the term ‘parallels’… You can be parallel on different planes. Parallel is not similar, otherwise these boards would be empty because I would not be able to comment unless my facts matched yours EXACTLY. Therefore my post was (maybe) why my (not your) outlook is different.

 

 

Sales: the #1 killer of M is money (should I wait while you confirm?). I make money with commissions: no sales, no money. I provide a required service. So when someone says NO they are really saying they don’t want me, I am not good enough for them. I need to “get over it”. If I dwell on that loss or a string of losses then I will not make money and then my home life will not be the same.

 

 

Sports: parents in their quest to protect their children have done an incredible disservice a/k/a everyone gets a trophy. Loosing teaches about disappointment, pain and sorrow. And while real, it is minor and recoverable. This trains the body for real disappointment and how to recover later in life. This is similar to vaccinations. A weaken (sometimes dead) virus is introduced into a body so it can train for the real event. It appears this has hit a cord with VBM. and while i have coached many youth teams i have advanced beyond it.

 

 

 

HAPPINESS

The cards you are dealt are not on you. It’s what you do with those cards that is. You equate this to “get over it” I prefer “move forward” but either works. There are only two constants: you and time. Being unhappy is YOUR choice. No person or statement (I obviously have failed) can change you. Only you can. Each second is one second closer to your death. That second is never coming back. The longer you remain ‘stuck’ the more of YOUR life is lost.

There are persons that have far better reasons to be unhappy yet do not. Back to the parallels: tell me where these land on your ‘pain’ scale: burying your child (not me, a close friend)? A failed late term pregnancy (the docs prefer to wait about a week before ‘delivering’ it because it’s less traumatic to the body; nothing like carrying a dead baby, oh then they have you recover in…. maternity)? How about then explaining to your 6 year old why there will be no brother. What about seeing your 1 day old intubated? Now that is REALLY a hopeless feeling. Do I need to go on, I can. I am very certain there are those that can top that.

 

 

PTSD

You accuse me of ‘bumper stickers’ and yet do the same. At least mine have some basis in fact. The war terms that BS steal as their own (d-day, dropped a bomb and now PTSD): is INSULTING to those that really suffer (military and first responders). Want a REAL PTSD: my nephew a US Marine with multiple tours in Iraq challenged with only his hands a dozen police officers with weapons drawn and aimed; “kill me you [expletive deleted] otherwise I will [F word] your [wives] and your daughters while forcing you to watch” (quoted from the police report). Why --- not for this thread.

 

 

I believe my acceptance of failure has helped me to continue to be happy. It works for me. You need to find your path. Your pain is real but that does not entitle you to belittle others.

[loveflower]

Unbelievable...after all that she's done and said, OP still able to forgive her...

 

outta this world for me to understand.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Unbelievable...after all that she's done and said, OP still able to forgive her...

 

outta this world for me to understand.

 

It's not easy but it requires looking at the entire relationship not just a period of 3 months where she did and said horrible things.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm curios how everyone handled triggers after the initial few months. Do you talk about them when they come up or do you just try to move on? The last few weeks I've been fairly happy most of the time but something will trigger me and will drop me into the hole again. Sometimes it's short or sometimes it will put me into a funk the rest of the day. I'm trying to come up with an effective way to deal with them.

[Babs22]

You can resent and be insulted all you want. You may not like it but: FAILURE IS THE GREATEST TEACHER and YOU CONTROL YOUR HAPPINESS.

 

Beatcuff, I do kind of agree with both these statements, but at the same time, I now have difficulty believing the You Control Your Happiness statement. The reason being is that now I have a son dealing with some pretty serious Mental Illness problems. He has been diagnosed Bipolar and Major Depressive Disorder. He is sad all the time, 24-7, with no specific reason. He will even say, he had a pretty good day, there is no reason for him to feel sad, and yet he is sad, very sad. I am assuming this is from a chemical imbalance. He is taking medications. The first we tried for 10 months, with no relief. He is now on his second medication, some improvement, but still sad every day. So, I do believe that there are people who are sad and have no control over this sadness. They could tell themselves all day everyday to be happy, and that won't work. There is no way of knowing if someone who is unhappy, might not have some chemical imbalance or they just need some counseling to get a different perspective. Trying to give someone a new perspective, a glass half full type outlook if they have a chemical imbalance won't work (at least not on its own).

 

Should I blame my son for being sad? I cannot. I never understood depression until I lived with it. It is debilitating. Every day that he gets up and goes to try to live a normal life is a victory in my mind. Everyday that he chooses not to give up entirely is a victory. It actually is really hurtful when people try to tell him all the reasons why he should not be sad, because he already knows those things and yet, it makes no difference. I definitely know some people who seem to go around being negative nearly all the time. I hate that, it is draining to everyone around them. Yet, they seem to like seeming unhappy with their life, job, world. They do seem to choose to be that way, I don't know if it was a personality trait they were born with or how they learned to deal with life. As drifter said, there must be a payoff at some emotional level for them. But I also know that there are some people who are sad or unhappy, but they could no sooner control feeling that way than they could control the ocean tides. Being happy is not always a choice.

[understand50]

I'm curios how everyone handled triggers after the initial few months. Do you talk about them when they come up or do you just try to move on? The last few weeks I've been fairly happy most of the time but something will trigger me and will drop me into the hole again. Sometimes it's short or sometimes it will put me into a funk the rest of the day. I'm trying to come up with an effective way to deal with them.

 

That is a good question.

 

My wife's ONS happened when I was 17 over 40 plus years ago, and sometime I do get "sad" over it. In my case, as the whole subject was taboo between us, I just worked trough it, by listening to music, hunting, shooting or getting into something else to take off my mind. Long car drives. I would also bring up other memories that were pleasant of her, times we were happy, or remind myself that I was happy with her at this time. Sometimes sex. Lots of other things. I never use alcohol to deaden, as I come from a family that has issues with it, and realized that that could be a trap.

 

You are lucky in that your wife is open to discussing what happened and why. We never talked about it until her finical infidelity, and I found some new information about what happened. We then talked about it, and in a rational manner. As we talked, I did not feel the same hurt, but with more curiosity. I think the same may happen to you. You may need or want to explore how this came to pass, or not. I would suggest, that you limit this until some years go by. I think the wound is too raw for you at this time, but if you have a question by all means ask.

 

I am sure your wife knows that you are hurting from time to time and does her best. Let her. That always helped me as well. I can tell you that as time has gone on, the triggers happened less and less for me, and I am sure it will for you.

 

As always, I wish you and Ann luck.

[RightThere]

I'm curios how everyone handled triggers after the initial few months. Do you talk about them when they come up or do you just try to move on? The last few weeks I've been fairly happy most of the time but something will trigger me and will drop me into the hole again. Sometimes it's short or sometimes it will put me into a funk the rest of the day. I'm trying to come up with an effective way to deal with them.

 

Very tough. Depending on how things are with your wife, normally I found as the BS talking it out was most beneficial for me. That being said, too much reminders of your triggers for the WS can wear on them.

 

There is no magic formula. When the triggers happen, you can take some time for yourself and work through it, or talk about it openly without being accusing or confrontational.

 

Having gone through some of it, I think the descriptive of "fewer and fewer triggers" as time goes on wasn't exactly how I felt. Triggers were always there. But I just stopped letting them bother me. I stopped thinking about the past.

 

I can't change what happened and I couldn't hold a grudge forever towards my WS. It was just a mindset that I've learned from the past, but I won't dwell there anymore. It's all about the future and the positive changes I've made.

 

People hate the "fake it 'till you make it" philosophy, but I found it really works. You're not rug sweeping anything. You're just giving power to a positive mindset.

[RightThere]

Unbelievable...after all that she's done and said, OP still able to forgive her...

 

outta this world for me to understand.

 

It's not for you to understand.

[drifter777]

I kept it all in so it just continued to build inside me. My wife had no remorse for many years and effectively gas-lighted me into trying to accept that her cheating was "something she had to do" to experience other men and to remove doubt about how she felt about me. So, clearly, do NOT do this as it only caused me pain & sadness and fostered within me a deep contempt for her. Tell her you only expect her to listen to you but that you are going to express your feelings when you trigger so they don't build up and explode later on. Whenever you read any of the accounts of what I did to try and handle her betrayal simply do the opposite. Everything I did was wrong and only cause me more suffering.

[beatcuff]

I'm curios how everyone handled triggers after the initial few months. Do you talk about them when they come up or do you just try to move on? The last few weeks I've been fairly happy most of the time but something will trigger me and will drop me into the hole again. Sometimes it's short or sometimes it will put me into a funk the rest of the day. I'm trying to come up with an effective way to deal with them.

 

accept them as part of the R process, even when the M was great there were ups and downs. so will R. if you 'micro analyze' every moment you will fail to see that overall you are headed in the right direction.

[beach]

I'm curios how everyone handled triggers after the initial few months. Do you talk about them when they come up or do you just try to move on? The last few weeks I've been fairly happy most of the time but something will trigger me and will drop me into the hole again. Sometimes it's short or sometimes it will put me into a funk the rest of the day. I'm trying to come up with an effective way to deal with them.

 

I think it's healthier to express your feelings to her as they arise. Talk about what's on your mind so you two can discuss it until you don't feel negatively about it any longer.

 

It gives you the opportunity to see if she is compassionate about YOUR feelings and willing to remedy the negative emotions that she's created by her actions.

 

It doesn't just go away. It's a process of getting honest about how you feel and seeing if she is receptive to helping you find resolve in this horrible situation.

 

Lay it out on the table, sift through those feelings and see if she plans to provide you some peace of mind as you attempt to heal.

 

The way she participates should determine if you feel she is being patient and understanding in helping you to get past the pain she's caused.

 

She either will hand you more peace of mind or she won't. That should determine whether you stay or leave her.

[turnera]

I'm curios how everyone handled triggers after the initial few months. Do you talk about them when they come up or do you just try to move on? The last few weeks I've been fairly happy most of the time but something will trigger me and will drop me into the hole again. Sometimes it's short or sometimes it will put me into a funk the rest of the day. I'm trying to come up with an effective way to deal with them.

If you want a real recovery, you HAVE to share the triggers. Your former wayward must go on this journey with you, see the pain you're in, walk alongside you in it, own it. And if they dare gripe, it's not a real recovery.

[MuddyFootprints]

It is my preference to walk through the triggers. There has been a tremendous improvement with our communication and we come through each and every episode stronger and more united. I appreciate knowing where my spouse is emotionally and mentally. And, he, the same for me.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think it's healthier to express your feelings to her as they arise. Talk about what's on your mind so you two can discuss it until you don't feel negatively about it any longer.

 

It gives you the opportunity to see if she is compassionate about YOUR feelings and willing to remedy the negative emotions that she's created by her actions.

 

It doesn't just go away. It's a process of getting honest about how you feel and seeing if she is receptive to helping you find resolve in this horrible situation.

 

Lay it out on the table, sift through those feelings and see if she plans to provide you some peace of mind as you attempt to heal.

 

The way she participates should determine if you feel she is being patient and understanding in helping you to get past the pain she's caused.

 

She either will hand you more peace of mind or she won't. That should determine whether you stay or leave her.

 

So far she has been more than willing to help me through these moments. It just seems easier not to share my feelings every time I encounter a trigger so sometimes I don't. But I'm not certain that is a good thing long term.

[turnera]

It's not a good thing.

[beach]

So far she has been more than willing to help me through these moments. It just seems easier not to share my feelings every time I encounter a trigger so sometimes I don't. But I'm not certain that is a good thing long term.

 

So there are times you don't share how this makes you feel. And how is she supposed to know how you feel if you're not telling her?

 

And why do you think it's useful to stay quiet when you have unresolved feelings about this?

 

It looks like you think you need to protect her from what SHE'S created... Why is that?

[merrmeade]

So far she has been more than willing to help me through these moments. It just seems easier not to share my feelings every time I encounter a trigger so sometimes I don't. But I'm not certain that is a good thing long term.

I TOTALLY understand this. It's so much work, though the reluctance is NOT about being lazy. To engage your spouse when something comes up, a trigger, that starts the brooding again, you can either stay with it yourself, save it for IC or engage your spouse.

 

If you stay with it yourself, you start slipping lower and lower into that sinkhole of what your spouse did behind your back. If you save it for IC, you deal with it all right but without, or even in spite of, your spouse, which leaves him/her in the same limited place of understand. With either of those, s/he will happily not talk about it and proceed to live in a present of superficial mundanities.

 

If you engage with your spouse, most likely you have to get your own head and emotions in the right place, which is a real tight-rope act. On the one hand you are talking to someone about a heinous act of cruelty the person committed and probably does not enjoy discussing, yet you must ask in such a way that s/he will want to listen and feel your pain, a pain s/he caused. You must make yourself vulnerable enough to share genuinely and accurately in such a way that the conversation will be productive without crushing either of you.

 

Work.