Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[RightThere]

And that is exactly the tactic the OM used to start the affair, a birthday wish, heavy pursuit then 3 weeks later they were having sex.

 

Pffft. If that's all it took to get your ex into bed, then I'm sure she was looking for the first opportunity someone showed interest.

[understand50]

Thanks, I never saw it as a problem prior to her affair. But a friend told me that married women never have that many non-related male friends on Facebook. I guess everyone is different.

 

VBM,

 

Well, normally it should not be a problem. What are the contacts, random men, old classmates, so fourth? She should be able to give you an idea. Also where these contacts before D Day? Remember she has changed.

 

I Limit FB to family and old friends, and do not "friend" anyone out of that narrow limit. Wife is a little more open. The rule we have is if she, ori I "friends" a old B/F or G/F we have to let the other know "their" history together. As she is my first love, it is all on her side, but she decided to be open rather then cause me concern. So, we are both open on FB and have each other passwords. My wife and I see FB as a way to keep up with our large and extended family, and not a way to "make" new friends.

 

In your case, as this is after the PA, I would suggest you talk to Ann and ask that she "cull" here FB friends. Tell her your concerns, I am sure that between you and FB, FB will lose. As her past has shown she is susceptible to being seduced, and this is where the PA started, I would approach it as you both looking at situation where trouble could happen again. Include yourself in the cleaning up as well. I think it is better to approach it as a couple, then as just something Ann has to do. Also, as to my question above, if this is something that was set up before the PA, allow her time to "clean" it up and conform FB with her and yours new relationship. You both may decide to quit FB, as it is was part of the problem in the past, my suggestion is to let her make the decision if that is where things are going.

 

Now if this is something new, then a sit down and frank discussion is called for.

 

As always I wish you and Ann luck.

[VeryBrokenMan]

What has your wife discovered about herself - and why she was that vulnerable to an affair?

 

What has she done to change herself so that she's not that gal anymore?

 

If you still don't trust her - she hasn't done enough self discovery to heal the marriage...

 

She realized that she is a self centered narcissist that thrives on attention and admiration especially from men. She craves that validation from them but also from others. When she was not getting that from her children (grew up), mother (died), sister (moved) or me (busy) she went elsewhere for her narcissistic supply. She now understands why she is the way she is and and has changed how she interacts with other men to prevent future affairs. Time will tell if she is successful.

 

As far as trust goes, I was asking the question about the 40 males friends in retrospect. On my request she deleted all non related male friends a couple of weeks after dday. I was just wondering if that was common or another indication of her narcissism.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Pffft. If that's all it took to get your ex into bed, then I'm sure she was looking for the first opportunity someone showed interest.

 

She is not an ex but you are very possibly right about it being anyone since this guy was a total loser. I could never even fake being jealous of anything about him. He's a convicted rapist with a long rap sheet, lives in a trailer, goes from job to job, problems with the IRS, weighs over 350lb and had a tiny d&*k(saw the pictures). I almost feel sorry for the sap. That's how narcissistic she was and how she needed those compliments and validation from him. Yeah, you are spot on, it could have been anyone.

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM,

 

Well, normally it should not be a problem. What are the contacts, random men, old classmates, so fourth? She should be able to give you an idea. Also where these contacts before D Day? Remember she has changed.

 

I Limit FB to family and old friends, and do not "friend" anyone out of that narrow limit. Wife is a little more open. The rule we have is if she, ori I "friends" a old B/F or G/F we have to let the other know "their" history together. As she is my first love, it is all on her side, but she decided to be open rather then cause me concern. So, we are both open on FB and have each other passwords. My wife and I see FB as a way to keep up with our large and extended family, and not a way to "make" new friends.

 

In your case, as this is after the PA, I would suggest you talk to Ann and ask that she "cull" here FB friends. Tell her your concerns, I am sure that between you and FB, FB will lose. As her past has shown she is susceptible to being seduced, and this is where the PA started, I would approach it as you both looking at situation where trouble could happen again. Include yourself in the cleaning up as well. I think it is better to approach it as a couple, then as just something Ann has to do. Also, as to my question above, if this is something that was set up before the PA, allow her time to "clean" it up and conform FB with her and yours new relationship. You both may decide to quit FB, as it is was part of the problem in the past, my suggestion is to let her make the decision if that is where things are going.

 

Now if this is something new, then a sit down and frank discussion is called for.

 

As always I wish you and Ann luck.

 

As I said above, my question was in retrospect, she had deleted all of them at my request a few days after dday. She knows that any new ones would be a problem at this point and I do have passwords etc. She has made it clear the past 8 months she is a changed person and want's nothing to do with any other man.

 

We had a little blow-up the past couple of days that prompted the question. A couple of days ago there was a female friend who is divorced (who lives a wild life) that texted my wife on her old phone number (that I have possession of, she has a new phone and number). After dday I felt like this person was a bad influence as she was always inviting guys to "girls night out". My wife had told me in the past that she un-friended this person but I never bothered to check. This friend is also close friends of the AP's wife. The text said "have some information for you, too much to text, please call me". The text was innocent enough but given the circumstances, the friends reputation and closeness to AP set off defcon 3 in my mind. I met my wife for lunch and asked about the text and she said she had not talked to her since the last GNO in January and she had deleted her as a Facebook friend as I had asked. We basically dropped it. After lunch I checked Facebook and saw she was still a friend and immediately went to defcon 4. I called my wife and told her to meet me about an hour later and I confronted her about not deleting the friend. She told me she thought she had deleted her and it was just an oversight. The whole situation cracked open some wounds and a heated discussion brought me to defcon 5. After being close to packing her s@#t up and kicking her out because I did not believe what she was saying I asked her to call the friend with me there. She did and it turned out to be an innocent text. She told me later she was just as nervous about what the text was about as I was and completely understood my reaction. I apologized, she apologized, we worked out together why she had not deleted the friend (because of being close friends to AP's wife). We had talked about deleting her after dday but neither of us remembered it during the fight that we decided not to.

 

That is where we live right now. Something minor can be easily blown out of proportion after a spouse cheats. My tolerance level is zero or maybe even negative and this is an example of how precarious a relationship is after infidelity. We both know something simple can derail things in a hurry.

 

The past couple of days has been rough with some frank conversations about the affair and where we go from here. Nothing has changed and we are still moving forward. She asked if I was going to be able to make it a year as we both committed to. I told her the truth and that was "I don't know". I want to remain a couple but the further out we get the bigger the deal this was to me. I'm trying to remain focused on the future and what we have now but every day is tough. The character issue is a big obstacle in our path. I have always conducted myself with character, been devoted to her and our marriage. I just don't understand her lack of loyalty and commitment especially given the fact that she was essentially just playing around.

[turnera]

And that is exactly the tactic the OM used to start the affair, a birthday wish, heavy pursuit then 3 weeks later they were having sex.

 

So?

 

If I was going to have an affair, it would be more likely to be with someone I work with and see every day.

 

If a woman's gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat. Tieing her off from FB isn't going to keep her from finding someone.

[understand50]

The past couple of days has been rough with some frank conversations about the affair and where we go from here. Nothing has changed and we are still moving forward. She asked if I was going to be able to make it a year as we both committed to. I told her the truth and that was "I don't know". I want to remain a couple but the further out we get the bigger the deal this was to me. I'm trying to remain focused on the future and what we have now but every day is tough. The character issue is a big obstacle in our path. I have always conducted myself with character, been devoted to her and our marriage. I just don't understand her lack of loyalty and commitment especially given the fact that she was essentially just playing around.

 

In my second post here I stated, that you may never really know why, as she may not know as well. I can understand you want to know why. Why did she cheat? Why with him? Sometime there is no good answer, she did it because she was offered the opportunity and wanted to. From what you have wrote, I believe that she was seduced, and gave in a moment of weakness.

 

When my then G/F had her ONS, afterwords, she was afraid I would throw it at her when ever we had a fight. I never did, and we wound up never talking about it until 30 years pasted. When we did, there was some pain, but not that bad, and we were both able to understand more of what had happened. I would not suggest this for you.

 

It is painful, but talk to Ann, ask her your questions, talk it out. The more you do the less it should hurt, but I hope that you "fight" fair and only bring up the affair when it is germane to the conversation. You are only 8 months, or so, away from D-Day, It does take time, but look at what both of you have, done and how far you have come. I think at this point Divorce, would just prolong the hurt and pain you have and feel. May be, deep down, the next step is for you to take divorce off the table. It may let Ann open up more, as although she is doing all you ask, she still has the possibility of divorce hanging over her head. She may not know she is holding back. She also may not want to admit deep down to herself why she did what she did. Have you ever done something that you were not proud of, or knew was wrong and could not explain? I know I am sounding sappy, but I truly believe that you can overcome this, and have the happiness you are looking for.

 

I wish you both luck.

[lgspot]

How was your and Ann's holiday VBM?

Hope all is well.

[understand50]

Forgiving, in large part is seeing your spouse in their true light, knowing that they did this transgression, and then deciding, if they want, or can stay in the marriage or relationship. How can you forgive, if you do not know what you are forgiving? Does the affair define your spouse, or you if you were the WS, for the rest of your life? Can you redeem yourself? Maybe not, but if we are going to believe that some couples can reconcile, we then must accept that a WS can change, show true remorse, and work to not have it happen again. From what VBM has written, Ann, has done what he has asked, he is working out if he can accept, or has proof that she has changed. This is not a easy thing.

 

I wish them both the best.

Edited July 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Direct response to deleted post redacted.

[William]

Play nice folks; it preserves your privilege to post on our forum. Thank you!

[merrmeade]

Forgiving, in large part is seeing your spouse in their true light, knowing that they did this transgression, and then deciding, if they want, or can stay in the marriage or relationship. How can you forgive, if you do not know what you are forgiving? Does the affair define your spouse, or you if you were the WS, for the rest of your life? Can you redeem yourself? Maybe not, but if we are going to believe that some couples can reconcile, we then must accept that a WS can change, show true remorse, and work to not have it happen again. From what VBM has written, Ann, has done what he has asked, he is working out if he can accept, or has proof that she has changed. This is not a easy thing.

 

I wish them both the best.

Disagree and agree to parts here.

 

Yes, to "seeing your spouse in their true light" but "deciding [to] stay in the marriage or relationship" based on only what what the spouse did and is AT THAT MOMENT (or in the past) is incomplete. The decision must include spouse's potential for change and buy-in. Is the spouse's buy-in to the reconciliation only to bury the past and get back to normal or is it willingness to do the work together on EVERYTHING, including character.

 

From what I can see, VBM, you are doing GREAT. Just great. You're holding YOUR line. You're clear, clear, clear as a bell about that line, what you expect, and what she should do and know about that line and expectation.

 

So I'm now officially a fan, but the funny thing to me is how you react to it. I mean, if it were me in your situation, I would be glowing with happiness NOT just because of all I'd achieved in setting boundaries, etc. with my spouse but because of mySELF. If I were you (or rather if my NPD WS were your NPD WS), I'd feel so full and grateful that I am living my life by my terms and it is benefitting and making both my partner and myself better every day.

 

And as for the character issue. I totally know what you mean. It's my issue now, maybe even a deal breaker. That is, how could they DO what they did and get OVER it? And how did they get over it? How much does it eat away at them? And even if they have exhumed ALL those ghosts, what about ALL the little character pieces and thinking that led them to those rank decisions? What is the difference between lying and dissembling? Why is the truth so hard to talk about? Why is every fiber in their bodies programmed to deny and run from the truth while every fiber in ours runs toward it?

 

But your wife (and when btw did we start calling her by a name - is that LS kosher?) is SOOOOOO ahead of my WH with examining her own issues. There are names for it, periods of her life that are understood to have caused or made it worse. And from all you've said, she wants to tow the line and be what she needs to be for the relationship. She trembles when even potentially caught and faces the music (example: the recent confrontations about the call and the FB acct).

 

I'll stop and just say it again, hoping you go meditate on this a little and find some pride and happiness in it instead of failure and disappointment. Maybe some of us are just natural rubber duckies and always bounce back up smilling and maybe defining yourself as a "very broken man" means you've resigned yourself to a shattered, hopeless life but, man, I hope not. I hope not because I'm a huge fan of the ENORMOUS WORK you are doing and MILESTONES you've crossed. You have accomplished so much in such a short time. It is so F-cking hard, so much harder (imho) than walking away.

 

Just remember, VBM, when you get so hopeless - at least this helps me - that dealing with a narcissist means your goals are different. They're not regular people. They're also not all the same, but I think in the cases of our spouses, they WANT to be good people, lovers, friends and partners to us. We can help, benefit, become fulfilled and feel great about ourselves and our lives. I truly believe this.

 

Love, merrmeade

[merrmeade]

Play nice folks; it preserves your privilege to post on our forum. Thank you!

HUh? Something more we need to know? Missed this but want to be sure I don't do whatever was done.... oh well, wouldn't be the first confusing LS move I had no clue about.

[drifter777]

Forgiving, in large part is seeing your spouse in their true light, knowing that they did this transgression, and then deciding, if they want, or can stay in the marriage or relationship. How can you forgive, if you do not know what you are forgiving? Does the affair define your spouse, or you if you were the WS, for the rest of your life? Can you redeem yourself? Maybe not, but if we are going to believe that some couples can reconcile, we then must accept that a WS can change, show true remorse, and work to not have it happen again. From what VBM has written, Ann, has done what he has asked, he is working out if he can accept, or has proof that she has changed. This is not a easy thing.

 

I wish them both the best.

I really don't believe any BS truly reconciles with their WS. If it seems as though they did its just that the BS decided to settle for the devil they know. Part of that is accepting that you will never have the marriage you wanted but are too afraid to roll the dice on a new life. It takes courage to change your life - a lot more than I had then - but I believe the rewards are commensurate with the risk. Reconciliation is a false promise that a BS is anxious to believe.

[merrmeade]

I really don't believe any BS truly reconciles with their WS. If it seems as though they did its just that the BS decided to settle for the devil they know. Part of that is accepting that you will never have the marriage you wanted but are too afraid to roll the dice on a new life. It takes courage to change your life - a lot more than I had then - but I believe the rewards are commensurate with the risk. Reconciliation is a false promise that a BS is anxious to believe.

You're always doing this, drifter. Maybe you don't notice. I don't really care but just pointing it out. You address a topic I maybe introduce, maybe embellish on and you often answer directly to my point but ALWAYS to some other poster. Curious. No need to explain. Don't care but do want to respond to each point although you've rolled them all up in one judgment which stands only if each point stands.

 

I really don't believe any BS truly reconciles with their WS.

AGREE but not as a bad thing. It's true and it's bad IF the BS and the WS are EXACTLY the same as they were. Being the same begs the idea "reconcile" in the first place. "Reconcile" is by definition "settling" but in reality is a contradiction. You can never have the exact same experience this moment or the next that you had two minutes ago. You can never "settle" for the same marriage you had because it isn't.

 

If it seems as though they did its just that the BS decided to settle for the devil they know.

DISAGREE and whatever. Too obvious what's wrong with it. Too simple.

 

Part of that is accepting that you will never have the marriage you wanted ...

AGREE. Shouldn't everyone accept that the marriage we thought we wanted (or any other relationsip, experience or objective) was already limited by what "we thought" at a time that we and all other things were different. The marriage and anything else we want should be carefully considered as we change and grow.

 

... but are too afraid to roll the dice on a new life.

DISAGREE. How do you know? And how do you know which takes more courage?

 

It takes courage to change your life - a lot more than I had then - but I believe the rewards are commensurate with the risk.

AGREE absolutely 100%.

 

Reconciliation is a false promise ...

AGREE. It's total bullsh-t. No such thing.

 

... that a BS is anxious to believe.

AGREE. It does start out that way. The WS believes it also. Then they get into it and either the BS backs off or the WS derails it. But that you can say every BS that didn't divorce was a pie-eyed, ignorant fool who can't effect change is opinionated speculation.

 

The whole paradigm shifts BECAUSE of the experience and their being forced to re-examine so many things. How and how much they do that depends on a lot as well. If one or both of them change, find happiness and are doing what each or both wants, what do you call it? Who cares if it's married or divorced, reconciled or in open marriages. "Reconciled" simply refers to two married people who stayed together after one was unfaithful. That's all.

 

I suppose LS is a decent enough resource for observing trends, but what you have to remember is that as a reconciliation starts working and things get better, people aren't going to need LS much and may not document. We see/hear all the worst situations at the worst times.

 

We need a new Shirley Glass to do statistics on the happiness factor of reconciled couples and the different faces such relationships have.

Edited July 7, 2015 by merrmeade

[beatcuff]

I really don't believe any BS truly reconciles with their WS. AGREE

 

Reconciliation is a false promise ... AGREE. It's total bullsh-t. No such thing.

 

this ignores that we all reconcile, we all compromise. i believe too many look ONLY at the last issue with their SO: A and then run with it. they forget all the other issues, some from the start --- you really don't look like that: makeup, or they were dating others for period of time, there are small lies: 'you're not fat', or omitting: 'your friend is hot'. we can go on all day: not cute enough/too cute, not enough money/too much, you are always working/get a job, house is too small or too big, the in-laws... we all make compromises to continue in the relationship because there is NO PERFECT match. some of these are minor to some others are not. just like A. for some its a deal breaker others not.

[understand50]

this ignores that we all reconcile, we all compromise. i believe too many look ONLY at the last issue with their SO: A and then run with it. they forget all the other issues, some from the start --- you really don't look like that: makeup, or they were dating others for period of time, there are small lies: 'you're not fat', or omitting: 'your friend is hot'. we can go on all day: not cute enough/too cute, not enough money/too much, you are always working/get a job, house is too small or too big, the in-laws... we all make compromises to continue in the relationship because there is NO PERFECT match. some of these are minor to some others are not. just like A. for some its a deal breaker others not.

 

You need to address all issues. You maybe able to reconcile from the affaire, but break up from another issues. You really have to look at everything. In my case the financial infeldelity, made us look at our whole marrage. The past came back, and we had to reexamin it and really deal with it. Also Merrmeade, makes a excellent point, if you spouse is remorseful, but does not wont to work on the marrage, reconillalion is not possable. My wife did not want our old marrage, so I was lucky, in that she is working with me.

 

VBM also seems to have cooperation from Ann, so i believe they have a good chance.

[understand50]

Duplication

[NewLeaf512]

I'm not sure where you or him live but lifetime alimony is a little far fetched if he resides in the US. I'm in Ohio and my lawyer said it is 12 months for every five years of marriage. With that being said, alimony here can be negotiated. In fact, most things can be negotiated unless it heads to court for a divorce. That's why working within a dissolution is best for all parties and most cost effective. Most states in the USA are no fault divorce. Meaning they could care less why you're divorcing and only care about the financial aspects of the divorce, custody and visitation if there are kids involved. If he feels his finances would be extremely threatened by divorce he can slowly start extracting the cash and keeping it in a safe place. When the court date happens he could just say he blew on the money on gambling, hookers or whatever.

 

 

lots of states have lifetime alimony, mostly southern ones

[autumnnight]

She realized that she is a self centered narcissist that thrives on attention and admiration especially from men. She craves that validation from them but also from others.

 

I have to ask.....is this the only definition your wife has of herself? And if so, how do you feel about that? How does she feel about that?

[Confused48]

quote:

If he feels his finances would be extremely threatened by divorce he can slowly start extracting the cash and keeping it in a safe place. When the court date happens he could just say he blew on the money on gambling, hookers or whatever.

 

In what world would this advice be considered good advice? Maybe a world where lying, cheating and adultery were acceptable?

[autumnnight]

quote:

If he feels his finances would be extremely threatened by divorce he can slowly start extracting the cash and keeping it in a safe place. When the court date happens he could just say he blew on the money on gambling, hookers or whatever.

 

In what world would this advice be considered good advice? Maybe a world where lying, cheating and adultery were acceptable?

 

Confused, there are some people who believe that once your spouse cheats you no longer have to be held to any sort of standard of honesty or values or morality (or even legality) where the WS is concerned.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I have to ask.....is this the only definition your wife has of herself? And if so, how do you feel about that? How does she feel about that?

 

No it's not. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she thinks of herself as a really good person who gave her husband the worst of her. I tend to agree as she has always been the type to bend over backward to help other people and she just never had anything left over for me. Looking back I always thought I was never giving enough to her but I realize she was the one who never gave enough to the marriage.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Confused, there are some people who believe that once your spouse cheats you no longer have to be held to any sort of standard of honesty or values or morality (or even legality) where the WS is concerned.

 

 

If they are still in the affair that is the case, everything is fair when you're at war. Once you choose to reconcile you HAVE to accept that you are back to equal footing and move forward with that in mind.

Edited July 14, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan

[VeryBrokenMan]

I took a short hiatus from LS the past few days and things have been going really well until last night.

 

Wife was swiping through pictures on her phone to show me a house and she went one picture too far. It was a picture of her from the waist down with her panties pulled down. I just stared at it and did not say anything. She tried to swipe off of it but it was too late. She did not say anything and I just looked at her until she did. It was an agonizing few seconds until she spoke. She says she was going to send it to me and did not.

 

I'm not sure what to believe at this point. I want to believe that she is telling the truth but trusting her again is the hardest thing I've even had to do. I guess I'm going to lie low and just start snooping around again to see if I can find any trails. I'm pretty devastated today thinking that she has something going on again. But I'm trying to remain calm and assume she is telling the truth.

[Confused48]

If they are still in the affair that is the case, everything is fair when you're at war. Once you choose to reconcile you HAVE to accept that you are back to equal footing and move forward with that in mind.

 

I disagree. This isn't war and you should live by the law and the moral standards that you believe in. I think no matter what you should stick to your own values. Don't lower yourself just bc some one did you wrong. I'm not saying that I can always live up to this myself but.....

 

Sorry to hear about the photo. That is not a good sign.