Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[beach]

Did you place a recording device in her car yet?

[RightThere]

No I don't want to live wondering. But I also don't want to have a knee jerk reaction if it was meant for me.

 

Do you think it was meant for you? What does your gut tell you?

 

I can tell you I discovered many messages during my fake reconciliation that when I saw and got an explanation for, my internal dialogue was "That kinda makes sense? But......."

 

Just based on what you've said, she's never sent you pictures like that before. She has sent other men that type of picture before. Any other big changes she's made for you that didn't happen before?

[VeryBrokenMan]

If she's sending them to someone else - expect her to wait a week or so to find any new evidence... She will lay low until the coast is clear.

 

Can the PI look at her history on her phone? Access all data in real time moving forward? Have you looked in her car for a burner phone and/or placed a VAR in her car? If not, you should.

 

The PI assures me that he will be able to tell anything that is amiss. I don't want to know how he does it but as of yesterday he has keys to the house, cars, office, passwords, daily schedule, codes to the security system, her new phone number, etc. I basically had to open my life to him again and nothing is private or secure, but I totally trust this guy because of his reputation. He is very good (has a government surveillance background) and he will find out what is going on and provide proof in some form, either pictures or recordings. He told me that if she is that far off the reservation again then she won't be able to resist taking a dip soon. I honesty cannot believe that she is but I'm doing this to protect myself.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Someone told me that narcissists are fixated on themselves because they cannot *see* themselves. That Narcissus was obsessed with his reflection not because of self-love, but because he could not *recognize* himself. Anyway....?

 

I think that is true. On the surface they seem to have great self esteem and be the life of the party but in reality their self-esteem is very low and they do everything to "see" themselves better. Attention from others gives them what they are missing.

[LoveMachine67]

VBM, having follow your plight since I join LS, I know you want your marriage to work. But your wife also has to want the same. Do you want to spend the financial and mental energy checking up on her for the next XX years every time she appears to be up to no good?

 

I have changed my thinking towards reconciliation, and I am all for it in some cases. But sitting in my easy chair looking at your situation, I'd have to tell you that your wife is not worthy of reconciliation. Even if this latest incident proves to be harmless, which I am very suspicious is not, you need to cut her loose.

 

Only you know what you "deal breaking" point will be, but do you want to live this way for the next 10 - 20 years?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Do you think it was meant for you? What does your gut tell you?

 

I can tell you I discovered many messages during my fake reconciliation that when I saw and got an explanation for, my internal dialogue was "That kinda makes sense? But......."

 

Just based on what you've said, she's never sent you pictures like that before. She has sent other men that type of picture before. Any other big changes she's made for you that didn't happen before?

 

I can believe her explanation on the surface, but yeah, I'm like wait a minute... so my gut says check it out.

 

The biggest change has been her laser like focus on my well being, my happiness. I have never been her main focus since the kids came long. But the past year her life has revolved around making sure that I'm OK and happy. She eats where I want to, does want I want to, everything is really about me. That was a huge shift that still just astounds me. I have aksed many times when all this focus on me ends and she always says either "get used to it" or "until the day I die".

 

She has been extraordinarily successful in her new real estate career and she has already gotten several big paydays and she writes me a big check for large portions of her commission checks. I never asked for it, we never talked about it, she just does it. A couple of times in the past she has gotten large inheritances and the household budget (or me) never saw a penny. Before she never would have thought twice about keeping all her commissions. But she tells me that it feels good to earn that money and to turn it over to me. She knows our income was WAY down(almost zero) as I struggled to make it through those first six months or so after dday. And we had big expenses like the therapists, PI, attorneys, etc. I don't want to even think about the money it's cost us, but her turning over her earnings means a lot to me. So that's a big change.

[understand50]

I can believe her explanation on the surface, but yeah, I'm like wait a minute... so my gut says check it out.

 

The biggest change has been her laser like focus on my well being, my happiness. I have never been her main focus since the kids came long. But the past year her life has revolved around making sure that I'm OK and happy. She eats where I want to, does want I want to, everything is really about me. That was a huge shift that still just astounds me. I have aksed many times when all this focus on me ends and she always says either "get used to it" or "until the day I die".

 

She has been extraordinarily successful in her new real estate career and she has already gotten several big paydays and she writes me a big check for large portions of her commission checks. I never asked for it, we never talked about it, she just does it. A couple of times in the past she has gotten large inheritances and the household budget (or me) never saw a penny. Before she never would have thought twice about keeping all her commissions. But she tells me that it feels good to earn that money and to turn it over to me. She knows our income was WAY down(almost zero) as I struggled to make it through those first six months or so after dday. And we had big expenses like the therapists, PI, attorneys, etc. I don't want to even think about the money it's cost us, but her turning over her earnings means a lot to me. So that's a big change.

 

VBM,

 

I am still hoping for the best, but know you have to check this all out. I would do the same. I think the over heated thinking that goes on here gos a little overboard. Getting the PI involved is the best plan, as you will know what is going on. In my opinion, for what it is worth, you are handing this well, and I wait for your posts. Hope you have a "PI could not find anything, had a long talk with wife, all is well" post. If not you can pull the plug, and move on. In the end the considered, thoughtful approach is better then "shooting from the hip"

 

If this is innocent, I would have a talk with your wife about shooting nude pic and putting them on the internet, or on a phone, or in any electronic format, as you never know where they will end up. Just a thought.

 

If I had to bet, I would put a dollar on Ann being faithful to you past the affair. Hope I win my bet.

 

As always, I wish you both luck.

Edited July 17, 2015 by understand50
Spelling

[bigman1]

VBM,

 

I know that this is going to sound bad, but what you just happily described does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. I am hoping that you are just being creative with your word usage because you are in a good mood.

 

It sounds unhealthy because no healthy marriage should have any spouse saying, "... everything is really about me.". Marriage is about balance. Heck, everything is about balance. This is out of balance.

 

It could be overcompensation due to PAST or CONTINUED failure as a faithful spouse. Think of the absentee parent who gives their kid whatever they want or the workaholic husband who gives his wife a credit card to buy whatever she wants. She can't continue overcompensating and you can't keep on accepting that. Relationships that are out of balance have problems.

 

If her acts are penance for cheating, who wants a servant for a wife? How long can she keep that up realistically before resentment kicks in? After all, punishments, even self imposed ones, have a time limit.

 

Next, her writing you a check?! I don't understand that and it could be due to how I was raised and live now with my wife. If you have a joint account, you just use the money. her money goes in, your money goes in and it gets used. You keep each other informed on what was purchased for budgetary tracking, but that's about it.

 

If she is giving you a check, do you have separate accounts? Are you fully aware of how much money she gets and where it goes or does she write you a check for your own account and you are left to assume how she uses her money?

 

If you don't know how much is actually coming in and where it is going because you are being placated with a big check from her to you, well, there might be problems. I'm thinking paper trail. Alternatively, it could be nothing, but then again there is the past cheating, lying, and current naked pics on the phone coupled with silence...

 

Finally, it could be nothing in terms of infidelity, but that gets me back to my point that it just does not sound healthy. It sounds out of balance. Just my two cents.

[singer23]

It's not about the money, it's about peace of mind. Everything I've read and my experience with her last year tells me that she will never admit to it unless confronted with evidence.

 

I am not contesting that.. I am just asking you to rethink your plan of action. A PI now might be useless and waste of money

 

And why do you need her to admit ? What purpose does it serve ? And the line also serves to tell how you feel about her or how much you trust her.

[singer23]

A couple of times in the past she has gotten large inheritances and the household budget (or me) never saw a penny.

 

 

WTF ?? Where did they go ? The more details you post the more obvious the broken dynamic of your relationship becomes

Edited July 17, 2015 by singer23

[DKT3]

WTF ?? Where did they go ? The more details you post the more obvious the broken dynamic of your relationship becomes

 

This is not at all uncommon. BS can normally give you a list of behaviours that pre-date affairs that point to it not being out of character dispite the claims of the WS that cheating is out of character, soooo not who they are. Many WS's would love for people to believe that its an isolated event when its really life as normal slightly pumped up.

[SpokenFor]

I guess I still can't see why you don't have a direct, in-depth conversation with her about the picture. In either case (she has resumed cheating, or she has not) the conversation won't change her behavior in the short term since she has already been "busted" (unexpected exposure of something she knows to be a trigger for you).

 

If anything, now with a PI watching, a conversation with her might cause some communication with her new affair partner, even if it is just to warn him away.

 

So, why not simply say "I need a better explanation of something you know would be hurtful, starting with why you haven't tried to better explain it to me since I saw it. Do I need to start worrying again?"

 

And ask her to send you the picture. If she has already deleted it, I think that's another bad piece of news... wonder what else she's deleted.

[merrmeade]

I took a short hiatus from LS the past few days and things have been going really well until last night.

 

Wife was swiping through pictures on her phone to show me a house and she went one picture too far. It was a picture of her from the waist down with her panties pulled down. I just stared at it and did not say anything. She tried to swipe off of it but it was too late. She did not say anything and I just looked at her until she did. It was an agonizing few seconds until she spoke. She says she was going to send it to me and did not.

 

I'm not sure what to believe at this point. I want to believe that she is telling the truth but trusting her again is the hardest thing I've even had to do. I guess I'm going to lie low and just start snooping around again to see if I can find any trails. I'm pretty devastated today thinking that she has something going on again. But I'm trying to remain calm and assume she is telling the truth.

What I don't understand is her reaction. It's plausible that she's telling the truth, but if so and she saw the look on your face, why would she be quiet? Why is SHE remaining calm and quiet. Shouldn't she be worried sick about what you think?

 

I'm assuming that you've talked about triggers and how hard it is for you. Shouldn't she be beside herself, making sure you're all right and wanting to know how YOU are feeling about the incident? Why has she allowed it to drop?

 

To me - living with an inveterate liar who doesn't even know when he's lying - this just sounds like someone caught. Like she's taking her cues from you. Since you were quiet and went underground with your feelings about it, so did she. But what does she have to gain by doing that? Nothing. She has everything to lose by pulling out while you start to do what you just started to do - dig.

 

I think she's scared.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Believe me I know it can't be all about me forever. That is just the way it is now, because of guilt and shame and regret on her part. And we both know it's overcompensation in an attempt to "make up" for the crime. We've talked about it and we both recognize what it is, why she is doing it and know that it cannot always be like that to be fulfilling for both of us.

 

VBM,

 

I know that this is going to sound bad, but what you just happily described does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. I am hoping that you are just being creative with your word usage because you are in a good mood.

 

It sounds unhealthy because no healthy marriage should have any spouse saying, "... everything is really about me.". Marriage is about balance. Heck, everything is about balance. This is out of balance.

 

It could be overcompensation due to PAST or CONTINUED failure as a faithful spouse. Think of the absentee parent who gives their kid whatever they want or the workaholic husband who gives his wife a credit card to buy whatever she wants. She can't continue overcompensating and you can't keep on accepting that. Relationships that are out of balance have problems.

 

If her acts are penance for cheating, who wants a servant for a wife? How long can she keep that up realistically before resentment kicks in? After all, punishments, even self imposed ones, have a time limit.

 

Next, her writing you a check?! I don't understand that and it could be due to how I was raised and live now with my wife. If you have a joint account, you just use the money. her money goes in, your money goes in and it gets used. You keep each other informed on what was purchased for budgetary tracking, but that's about it.

 

If she is giving you a check, do you have separate accounts? Are you fully aware of how much money she gets and where it goes or does she write you a check for your own account and you are left to assume how she uses her money?

 

If you don't know how much is actually coming in and where it is going because you are being placated with a big check from her to you, well, there might be problems. I'm thinking paper trail. Alternatively, it could be nothing, but then again there is the past cheating, lying, and current naked pics on the phone coupled with silence...

 

Finally, it could be nothing in terms of infidelity, but that gets me back to my point that it just does not sound healthy. It sounds out of balance. Just my two cents.

[spanz1]

definitely she is pulling on your short hairs. it seems she IS making an effort to be a loving wife...sharing the finances with you (finally) and doing enjoyable things with you. But the whole "I was going to send you that pic of me being a whore, but forgot to" is, of course, a lie. So she is still communicating with someone else.

 

 

The ball is in your court now. you can kick her out, or sit her down and offer an open marriage but with no more deceptions.

 

 

Her bouncing around emotionally...is there any chance she might be bipolar? That would explain how she could be very nice to you one minute, and then be sending sexting to someone else the next....

[VeryBrokenMan]

WTF ?? Where did they go ? The more details you post the more obvious the broken dynamic of your relationship becomes

 

She spent it on herself or the kids with my full and complete blessing. We've never been in a position where we "needed" the inheritance for living expenses or investment. I've done alright financially and her keeping the money separate was not and is not an issue and never will be. I also have zero problems with her getting half of the assets in a divorce. Money and assets are just not that important to me in looking at the big picture.

[VeryBrokenMan]

This is not at all uncommon. BS can normally give you a list of behaviours that pre-date affairs that point to it not being out of character dispite the claims of the WS that cheating is out of character, soooo not who they are. Many WS's would love for people to believe that its an isolated event when its really life as normal slightly pumped up.

 

That is part of the problem, the injured spouse is unwilling or unable to see how abnormal their spouses behavior is until the affair. Then it's like a light that has been turned off is now on at full power. She is not some new woman that was never capable of cheating, that is who she is and has always been. That is what has to change moving forward and she has to want to change. In my case she seems to want to, but the picture regardless of what her intent was, shows how far she still needs to go.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I guess I still can't see why you don't have a direct, in-depth conversation with her about the picture. In either case (she has resumed cheating, or she has not) the conversation won't change her behavior in the short term since she has already been "busted" (unexpected exposure of something she knows to be a trigger for you).

 

If anything, now with a PI watching, a conversation with her might cause some communication with her new affair partner, even if it is just to warn him away.

 

So, why not simply say "I need a better explanation of something you know would be hurtful, starting with why you haven't tried to better explain it to me since I saw it. Do I need to start worrying again?"

 

And ask her to send you the picture. If she has already deleted it, I think that's another bad piece of news... wonder what else she's deleted.

 

Because a conversation about it or making a big deal out of it will drive it underground. If she is actually cheating (or looking to) then I want her to have her guard down and make a mistake or slip up.

[VeryBrokenMan]

What I don't understand is her reaction. It's plausible that she's telling the truth, but if so and she saw the look on your face, why would she be quiet? Why is SHE remaining calm and quiet. Shouldn't she be worried sick about what you think?

 

I'm assuming that you've talked about triggers and how hard it is for you. Shouldn't she be beside herself, making sure you're all right and wanting to know how YOU are feeling about the incident? Why has she allowed it to drop?

 

To me - living with an inveterate liar who doesn't even know when he's lying - this just sounds like someone caught. Like she's taking her cues from you. Since you were quiet and went underground with your feelings about it, so did she. But what does she have to gain by doing that? Nothing. She has everything to lose by pulling out while you start to do what you just started to do - dig.

 

I think she's scared.

 

She knows all about triggers and she is on guard for those, but there are just some she cannot control like the picture. I cannot understand her reaction but at the same time I don't want to believe it is a bad sign. Call me what you will but I'm just not going to jump to that conclusion until I have proof.

 

As far as triggers, the monthly anniversary usually triggers me if I happen to notice and any talk of affairs on TV, movies, wherever usually triggers me. I don't get mad or upset most of the time I just lose interest in what is happening when those triggers hit. There are a ton of triggers coming up in the next couple of months that are date related, like the first time they talked, the first time they had sex, etc. I'm very date oriented unlike many men, I know all the dates that are important to my wife, my and her siblings birthdays, all my children's, etc. And of course I know the dates of all the things that happened during her affair. They are not written down, I just "know" them. They are burned into my brain like any other special occasion. Except their not so special and they are going to be a problem as we encounter them.

 

She wants it ALL to go away their is no doubt about that. I think she is scared because I've been talking and thinking in terms of "maybe we were not meant to be together our entire lives". I've not angry or hurt much anymore when I think that, I'm just being realistic. The character issues (or lack of) is really starting to take center stage in my mind.I value character in people I associate with and I expect it, why should I expect less from her?

 

Who knows what she is thinking, maybe she is already thinking ahead and planning for a life without me. I've wasted far too much of my life, time and energy the past months on something that should never have happened. I think I'm just feeling very indifferent about the whole mess.

[VeryBrokenMan]

definitely she is pulling on your short hairs. it seems she IS making an effort to be a loving wife...sharing the finances with you (finally) and doing enjoyable things with you. But the whole "I was going to send you that pic of me being a whore, but forgot to" is, of course, a lie. So she is still communicating with someone else.

 

 

The ball is in your court now. you can kick her out, or sit her down and offer an open marriage but with no more deceptions.

 

 

Her bouncing around emotionally...is there any chance she might be bipolar? That would explain how she could be very nice to you one minute, and then be sending sexting to someone else the next....

 

To me, it's a huge leap find one picture of her with her panties down without any corroborating evidence to prove she sent or wanted to send it to anyone but me. She is not bipolar, other that stress related to the affair she is rock solid emotionally. You know we live in a narcissistic selfie world where everyone seems to be taking pictures of themselves. Maybe she loves her body and finds it sexy and just wanted a picture? I know women take selfies all the time. Maybe she just wanted to see how good she looked and was embarrassed to tell me? I'm just thinking out loud, I have no clue.

[SpokenFor]

VBM, I don't believe you are thinking clearly and I urge you to step back and get some clarity, however you need to do that. This is too important to turn turtle.

 

You seem to be throwing up multiple reasons not to address this picture, all of which are not really good reasons:

 

1) Talking about it will drive her underground if she is cheating. I want the PI to catch her.

 

This does two bad things, first it removes the possibility of resolving this quickly and in the open honest way a solid relationship needs to function. Second, it places you as a passive enabler of a new affair.

 

2) Women take selfies; she might have done that or just be embarrassed about it. I didn't ask for her to send it or check dates/times out of sensitivity to her feelings.

 

If she's looking at her body in the mirror to admire it, great,fine. Not sure why it would be interlaced with houses she was showing, and you haven't said whether the picture was taken in your home based on the background in the image (which would be the case if it were innocent), and you don't have the photo in hand.

 

I strongly urge you to take the tough love step of getting the truth from her now. You have the right to demand the truth and to ask for a polygraph. Your current approach tells her you don't want to know the truth, and you are OK with her not trying to make you feel better about this new, immediate hurt she has inflicted. (Please correct me but I read that she has not brought it up again, even though the awkwardness means she understands that you were hurt.) All this tells her that it is basically OK to hurt you without fixing it, that unless you catch her she is free to have affairs, and that she should just be more careful or desist for a while since anything like a PI costs a running tab, financially and emotionally, that you cannot bear.

 

VBM, please enable yourself to step forward and assert your dignity -- you have the strength, and have to use it again.

[aliveagain]

To me, it's a huge leap find one picture of her with her panties down without any corroborating evidence to prove she sent or wanted to send it to anyone but me. She is not bipolar, other that stress related to the affair she is rock solid emotionally. You know we live in a narcissistic selfie world where everyone seems to be taking pictures of themselves. Maybe she loves her body and finds it sexy and just wanted a picture? I know women take selfies all the time. Maybe she just wanted to see how good she looked and was embarrassed to tell me? I'm just thinking out loud, I have no clue.

 

Maybe she just wanted to send it to some other man because it makes her feel good.

[oldshirt]

Maybe she loves her body and finds it sexy and just wanted a picture? I know women take selfies all the time. Maybe she just wanted to see how good she looked and was embarrassed to tell me? I'm just thinking out loud, I have no clue.

 

 

There is not a woman alive that takes pictures of her Jay-Jay because she finds the image of her vagina beautiful and sexy.

[66Charger]

Why do you beat yourself [up] so badly?

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify the question

[RightThere]

To me, it's a huge leap find one picture of her with her panties down without any corroborating evidence to prove she sent or wanted to send it to anyone but me. She is not bipolar, other that stress related to the affair she is rock solid emotionally. You know we live in a narcissistic selfie world where everyone seems to be taking pictures of themselves. Maybe she loves her body and finds it sexy and just wanted a picture? I know women take selfies all the time. Maybe she just wanted to see how good she looked and was embarrassed to tell me? I'm just thinking out loud, I have no clue.

 

Alright. I know where you are because I've been there.

 

You are avoiding the most likely answer because you don't want it to be the real answer. You probably still have the image of who you think your wife is in your head. Any outside of undeniable action by your wife, no one here is going change your perception of it.

 

So I wish you luck. Just protect yourself and don't try to convince your gut that it's imagining things that aren't there.

 

That bad stuff is still there.