bigman1 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 VBM, Not to be mean, but please be careful about saying that you have firm lines and firm consequences. Thus far, you have excused, lobbied for, and generally been her apologist. If you create firm lines and then don't follow through, you will be an empty shell of a man because you will have betrayed yourself. You have the right to do whatever you want, but if you fail to follow thru you will feel like you betrayed yourself and your heart and sould will condemn you. That is a horrible existence. Better to say that you will listen to what she has to say and then you will act as you see fit. Believe me, betraying yourself will suck far more than her betrayal. Being honest with yourself is what you need. Of course, who knows what she is going to say? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 It can't be good if she is looking to control your reaction. Sorry man, it sucks. No matter what you don't have to decide anything tomorrow or the next day. Take in what she says, then take your time to decide what's your next move based on what's best for YOU and you alone going forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 i am so sorry, VBM... for what you're going through right now. sending you many virtual hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 So she called me at the office earlier and said she was spending the night at a friends house. Said she was too emotional to be around me tonight and she knew we would not be able to resist talking about tomorrow. It's a mutual family friend and she said I could call her later at the friends house so I don't think anything is amiss there. I could tell she had been crying and she was pretty emotional. She just texted me that she loves me and to try to get some sleep. Not sure how that can happen but ok. Thanks for everyone's input and well wishes, I'll try to update everyone late tomorrow. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 So she called me at the office earlier and said she was spending the night at a friends house. Said she was too emotional to be around me tonight and she knew we would not be able to resist talking about tomorrow. It's a mutual family friend and she said I could call her later at the friends house so I don't think anything is amiss there. I could tell she had been crying and she was pretty emotional. She just texted me that she loves me and to try to get some sleep. Not sure how that can happen but ok. Thanks for everyone's input and well wishes, I'll try to update everyone late tomorrow. Has the PI been tracking her? Found anything yet? It's curious that she has a family friend in on this before she discusses it with you. Why is she making it so difficult to be honest and have a conversation with her? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 VBM, she is broken, broken, broken and I think tomorrow will be a very painful day for you. Why is there so much deception in the world, I have trouble understanding how people can be so selfish. You are not the reason she is broken. Stand your ground. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Speculation about what WS has to say canNOT possibly be proven and does nothing to help OP prepare for this enormous life event. This is your life, VBM. It seems manipulative to make predictions when someone is in such a vulnerable position. The only thing you know for sure, VBM, is that she has something to say to you that she feels the need for support from her therapist to say. That's all you know. I wouldn't dare advise you or offer conjecture about what that might be. I can only say what I might do and even then the only thing I know for sure that I'd do is to promise myself not to promise anyone anything right away. If this were my situation and tomorrow would be a reckoning but I had no idea how, I'd be preparing myself internally. For me, that would mean clearing my heart and mind of extraneous matters and identifying what I want. I'd want to go into that session with an open mind but with my own priorities clear. I'd repeat to myself that I don't have to make a commitment to anyone tomorrow, but I do have to listen and be as clear and open as possible to that point. Then, I'd be sure and set up an appointment with my own IC professional Personally, I've had good experience with counselors and consequently have a high regard for what they do. I'm going to assume that your sensibilities will be respected and supported to the extent possible in one session with someone else's therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 VBM, this is so heartbreaking. It seems obvious that she is going to use her counselor as a shield to confess and that she can't be with you now because you will see right through her. I am so, so sorry and will hope for something - anything - other than total destruction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Who is this friend she is staying with? Do you know for certain where she is and who she is with? Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) Speculation about what WS has to say canNOT possibly be proven and does nothing to help OP prepare for this enormous life event. This is your life, VBM. It is VBMs life, but he has chosen to share it. For a long time. To ask our opinion AND give his. For whatever reason, he chooses to talk here and listen. Therefore it is our DUTY to do what we do and help pull this man thru. This is not a stranger. He is a ACTIVE member of speculation. I am sure he reads it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. This may be a monumental task, but it CAN done. Because of our speculations, he is more prepared for it. (I think)? Edited July 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Who is this friend she is staying with? Do you know for certain where she is and who she is with? Do you read? "It's a mutual family friend and she said I could call her later at the friends house so I don't think anything is amiss there." Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Do you read? "It's a mutual family friend and she said I could call her later at the friends house so I don't think anything is amiss there." You mean all these funny things made up of letters...? Obviously not... sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Obviously it would be wise to spent a great deal of time listening at the meeting tomorrow. But I also think it may be your opportunity to express how you feel. Especially about deficiencies you've experienced which might include lack of trust, not feeling safe, poor communication and her narcissism (or tendencies) along with your wife's need to seek attention. At least leave her counselor with ideas about what she needs to work on... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 You mean all these funny things made up of letters...? Obviously not... sorry. I mentioned this because very often a WS and AP will meet up "one last time" for "closure". I shouldn't need to mention what that usually amounts to. Trust me, you don't want that to happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Your wife of multiple decades behaves like a child. She claims she has to tell you something important, yet she can't tell you without a third party/adult supervision. She runs off to her friends house, leaving you twisting in the wind wondering what the hell is happening. Is this considered acceptable behavior for a woman in your culture? Do your friends/siblings/coworkers wives behave this way? Do their wives need to have what basically amounts to a paid interpreter in the room in order to speak honestly with their husbands? It strikes me as strange and I'm left wondering if maybe you're so use to all of her nonsense that you're no longer capable of recognizing how ludicrous this truly is. I say this in the nicest way that I'm capable of. She's too advanced in age for all of these teenage girl antics. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 You need to expose the POS to his wife, she needs to get involved. There are no real consequences for either one of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 She is not the type of woman to schedule an appointment to tell you about an affair. She's not going to admit to an affair. Why would she? So I don't think this is where it's going. I think she has worked this through, and has a plan that you are going to be hit with. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 She is not the type of woman to schedule an appointment to tell you about an affair. She's not going to admit to an affair. Why would she? So I don't think this is where it's going. I think she has worked this through, and has a plan that you are going to be hit with. Yeah that's why this is so cruel. VBM will not even know if it's manipulation at this point. My suggestion to VBM is to go in angry. It's the only emotion to get though this, he literally need the adrenaline shot that anger gives him to clear his mind of this mess. And if it's bad news? I don't comment on this thread often but I do greatly respect VBM - I feel we would all project a ton of pain entering into his brain if it's bad news. He has said literally a hundred times if there is another transgression then it's over. I think what will happen to him is what happened to me -- I truly wasn't happy after d-day 1. I apparently have an incredible ability to lie to myself. When I caught her d-day 2 my first emotion was relief. Something akin to 'well I guess I can stop playing this crappy game now. Phew!' In short, if it's bad news I predict that he'll atleast get closure and be happy that he can move forward with clarity. He'll of course grieve for his lost marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I think 9 months wasted is much much better than several years wasted. VBM was literally bulldozing the R through denial and exclusively used the thread to fight the doubts with himself. By defending his wife to strangers, he thought he was answering his own doubts but only pulled himself deeper into delusion. I really hope that the meeting with IC was her last act of dignity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Seachan Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 VBM, she is broken, broken, broken and I think tomorrow will be a very painful day for you. Why is there so much deception in the world, I have trouble understanding how people can be so selfish. You are not the reason she is broken. Stand your ground. I wonder if Mrs. VBM has it in her to fix that which is broken. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Does she have access to your posts? Does she read them? Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 wait a minute... he never exposed the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 wait a minute... he never exposed the affair? I haven't read through all of the pages but as of a month or so ago he had not. He had a laundry list of reasons why he couldn't/shouldn't/wouldn't. Trust me, we all chased that windmill for many pages. I hope if this IC meeting does turn out to be bad news, that it finally will be the straw that breaks the camels back and does motivate him to take definitive action and not to continue to make excuses and get snowed over. No-one will be able to say that he didn't give her a chance or leave any rock unturned in trying to make this marriage work. Hopefully he too will see that he has done everything humanly possible to make the marriage work and if she is still behaving badly, he will see the futility of trying to make this work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 When I caught her d-day 2 my first emotion was relief. Something akin to 'well I guess I can stop playing this crappy game now. Phew!' In short, if it's bad news I predict that he'll atleast get closure and be happy that he can move forward with clarity. I went thru something very similar to this. My 8-month attempt at reconciliation was torture. When I then discovered some extra special crap sauce and decided to divorce, there was truly a sense of relief. Just as eric says above, it was like, "Well, thank God that's over. Phew!" As others have mentioned, I don't regret the attempt. I gave due diligence to the effort and feel no regrets that I did. And I have been able to move forward knowing that the choice to divorce was ultimately the right one. Unfortunately for VBM, my gut says he's got another round of TT coming. It sure sounds like she has a confession to make. I think the tough part will be that she's made this voluntary confession. I suspect that it is something she could have taken to the grave. Making a hugely difficult and voluntary confession will speak to her true remorse over it. And VBM is going to be tempted to forgive. He may even feel like he finally has all of the truth and can more easily move forward than before. It'll be tempting to stay. Reconciliation can be such a roller coaster ride. The tough thing for VBM is going to be deciding when he's ready to get off. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Speculation about what WS has to say canNOT possibly be proven and does nothing to help OP prepare for this enormous life event. This is your life, VBM. It seems manipulative to make predictions when someone is in such a vulnerable position. It is VBMs life, but he has chosen to share it. For a long time. To ask our opinion AND give his. For whatever reason, he chooses to talk here and listen. Therefore it is our DUTY to do what we do and help pull this man thru. This is not a stranger. He is a ACTIVE member of speculation. I am sure he reads it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. This may be a monumental task, but it CAN done. Because of our speculations, he is more prepared for it. (I think)? Yes, I see your point that this is the reason for posting a thread. Also that this is the way he's coped throughout the R and speculation has clearly helped him deal with possibilities he wasn't considering. But with this particular development, he's obviously got to be in high stress mode, and there are some things you just don't say to someone already worked up and fearful of a possible outcome. For example, if you're worried because a loved one who is hours late arriving at a destination, is it helpful for others to suggest all the horrific ways s/he could have died on the way? I also agree that more than anything else, the support and suggestions are the community doing its best to be there for VBM. He must filter and use what he needs. THe possibilities of "what it could be" obviously range from good to bad. Either way, I can see wanting to have the therapist in the room for a number of reasons. Whatever the news, good or bad, it's good that a moderator is there to help them decide on a plan what to do next. The content could range from proposing they start MC with this person to expressing WS's need for more trust from VBM (reaching for that one) to a new confession. No one knows what it is until VBM tells us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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