merrmeade Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Your wife of multiple decades behaves like a child. She claims she has to tell you something important, yet she can't tell you without a third party/adult supervision. She runs off to her friends house, leaving you twisting in the wind wondering what the hell is happening. Is this considered acceptable behavior for a woman in your culture? Do your friends/siblings/coworkers wives behave this way? Do their wives need to have what basically amounts to a paid interpreter in the room in order to speak honestly with their husbands? It strikes me as strange and I'm left wondering if maybe you're so use to all of her nonsense that you're no longer capable of recognizing how ludicrous this truly is. I say this in the nicest way that I'm capable of. She's too advanced in age for all of these teenage girl antics. Yes, also occurred to me that it's a little strange and histrionic. Either way, this is really annoyingly insensitive, almost trivializing: She just texted me that she loves me and to try to get some sleep. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I went thru something very similar to this. My 8-month attempt at reconciliation was torture. When I then discovered some extra special crap sauce and decided to divorce, there was truly a sense of relief. Just as eric says above, it was like, "Well, thank God that's over. Phew!" As others have mentioned, I don't regret the attempt. I gave due diligence to the effort and feel no regrets that I did. And I have been able to move forward knowing that the choice to divorce was ultimately the right one. Unfortunately for VBM, my gut says he's got another round of TT coming. It sure sounds like she has a confession to make. I think the tough part will be that she's made this voluntary confession. I suspect that it is something she could have taken to the grave. Making a hugely difficult and voluntary confession will speak to her true remorse over it. And VBM is going to be tempted to forgive. He may even feel like he finally has all of the truth and can more easily move forward than before. It'll be tempting to stay. Reconciliation can be such a roller coaster ride. The tough thing for VBM is going to be deciding when he's ready to get off. She ain't no dummy. She knows that he saw the picture and that her husband isn't a nitwit. Her lack of addressing it immediately means she's been finding a way to handle it. I would LOVE to be wrong about this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 She ain't no dummy. She knows that he saw the picture and that her husband isn't a nitwit. Her lack of addressing it immediately means she's been finding a way to handle it. I would LOVE to be wrong about this It may not be that that is still having an affair or involved in another affair however. I agree it's not going to be good news for VBM. Like I said in an earlier post, You don't schedule an appointment with an IC and spend the night before at a friend's before you break the news you bought a winning lottery ticket. 99% chance it's something bad, but it may not be that she is cheating again. In fact the fact that she wants this discussed in the IC' s office could mean something more complex than simply screwing some other dude. She couldn't just came out and confessed that when he saw the pics. I wonder if it's something more complex like she can't deal with the transparency and having him looking into her business any more. Or she can't keep up the doting on him all the time and can't live a lie that all is well and she is just throwing in the towel and trying to broker some kind of complex exit strategy like Nixon withdrawing from Vietnam. The picture may not indicate a renewed or additional affair (I'm not sure how, but anything is possible) but the discomfort and awkwardness that resulted from its discovery may have been the straw that broke the camel's back and she can't live with the high level of scrutiny and distrust and the triggers any way. Some WS's are ok with staying in the marriage after Dday as a general concept, but then find they can't live with the BS' s distrust and suspicion and insecurity. Or maybe this isn't the meeting to give him his pink slip but rather she can't take living in the fishbowl of surveillance any more and is wanting to renegotiate reconciliation process to where she doesn't have to kiss his @$$ and and have him looking over her shoulder any more and this is where she gives him the A or B ultimatum where either he gets over it and let's her do what she wants and he acts just like he did when life was grand (completely unrealistic of course) or she exits stage left. The key for him in all of these scenarios is to have firm, unbreechable boundaries and be willing to enforce them to the last breath. Because the fact that he is having the IC broker this deal means that she is trying to negotiate something and wants him to compromise on something. She is wanting some form of leverage or leeway here. Otherwise she'd just confess she's cheating again or just level with him she's leaving. The fact she's using the IC means she wanting him to grant some kind leeway on something. Having firm boundaries will be the only way to come out of this intact. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Because the fact that he is having the IC broker this deal means that she is trying to negotiate something and wants him to compromise on something. She is wanting some form of leverage or leeway here. Otherwise she'd just confess she's cheating again or just level with him she's leaving. The fact she's using the IC means she wanting him to grant some kind leeway on something. Having firm boundaries will be the only way to come out of this intact. I got on a tangent and rambled way to much. This paragraph above was my point. She is trying to negotiate something and trying to score some kind of deal. If it was simply her cheating again, she could either lie and try to get away with it. Or she could fess up to it. And frankly, as few consequences as she has had during this, confessing and hoping he will continue to do nothing would be a reasonable strategy for her. No, this is something deeper. She wants something from him and wants a compromise from him in some manner. The IC is to broker some kind of "deal." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 What's Mr and Mrs VBM's history with MC? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I got on a tangent and rambled way to much. This paragraph above was my point. She is trying to negotiate something and trying to score some kind of deal. If it was simply her cheating again, she could either lie and try to get away with it. Or she could fess up to it. And frankly, as few consequences as she has had during this, confessing and hoping he will continue to do nothing would be a reasonable strategy for her. No, this is something deeper. She wants something from him and wants a compromise from him in some manner. The IC is to broker some kind of "deal." We should all know soon. My take is that she wants the IC to intercede on her behalf for continued cheating. Like saying "she's a sex addict - she can't help herself and it's not her fault" or some such nonsense. I just hope VBM is strong enough to see through psycho-bable bullsh*t. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I don't even know VBM and I've checked this dumb site like 29 times today because I am worried for him 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I got on a tangent and rambled way to much. This paragraph above was my point. She is trying to negotiate something and trying to score some kind of deal. If it was simply her cheating again, she could either lie and try to get away with it. Or she could fess up to it. And frankly, as few consequences as she has had during this, confessing and hoping he will continue to do nothing would be a reasonable strategy for her. No, this is something deeper. She wants something from him and wants a compromise from him in some manner. The IC is to broker some kind of "deal." Could be TT. My bet is a confession about broken NC. WWs just can't seem to break away from the OM for one reason or another (reminds me of CD). If it's a confession, she might just want a safe environment to say it or have a third party to try to get him to not walk out of the room. Or the confession could be something about the affair that she hasn't had the guts to tell him. Or you could be right that she wants to renegotiate the terms of the reconciliation and wants someone else there to help double-team him. If that's the case, I don't think he should agree to jack-sh*t in that meeting. Or it could be that she was doing damage-control by choosing to reconcile but now that life sucks and is apparently going to stay that way for a few years, she might be deciding to opt out and doesn't have the guts to do it solo. My exwife basically had a combination of the three going. She still had crap she was hiding (including broken NC), she expressed that she needed me to get over it (she was losing patience with my hypervigilance and PTSD), and her affair was really an exit affair anyway so she was clearly coming back to that exit option as time went by. Not sure I can see a good news scenario here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 This appointment is/was with her IC, not the MC. VBM has stated he hasn't met her IC before. That is what is also odd - why her IC now and not the MC? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Maybe she is going to tell him that the OM got her pregnant and that she wants to keep the kid. Kinda like a souvenir? Or maybe that she is in love with a woman, or some such. OK, they may be silly, but I really am having trouble coming up with some realistic reason other than "I'm still seeing someone and you either accept it or we're through..." I guess we just need VBM to make his next post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I guess we just need VBM to make his next post. Having waded through most of this thread I almost wonder whether it makes any difference what happens in this session. Her character is pretty well established at this point. Any "good news" would have to be taken with a grain of salt; any bad news would just be more of the same. Yes, we need VBM to make his next post, but what VBM needs is to make up his mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I hope you are ok VBM... 11 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I do hope you were able to record the session. Often times one misses half or more of what all transpired. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 You ok VBM ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrianZA Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 So, we wait with bated breath... Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 This is not a movie drama. When you reread the first page of this thread again, you know. . He is NOT ok. Strength and Honor, VBM. Dig deep 4 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 We all have to remember that these are two real human beings, and these posts are not for our entertainment. What VBM shares is a privilege and a look in to his and Ann's private intimate life together. VBM came here to get advise, vent, and argue with us, himself and life in general. When he is ready he will let us know. I hope for the best for him. We really do not have much information. I do not get a good feeling about what has, or is, happening, but know VBM will deal with it in his own way. He has shown guts and fortitude throughout this. I would expect him to continue along the same path. VBM, hope things are going well, if not, accept my sympathies. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think we all want the same thing for VBM, survive this whole and not make the same mistakes some of us have made. Sometimes your just too close to it. We all know that VBM is about to find out his wife is a lot more cunning and deceptive than he originally believed. I just hope the numbers don't change too drastically. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 VBM is one of those men that I have admired from Day 1. He has drawn boundaries but still seems to believe in redemption. He's like the unicorn of BH's. I just want to shake his wife...hard 5 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 i really hope you are okay, VBM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 VBM: If you need to take some time off from posting, I totally understand. I had my own personal thread I had to lock down for a while because it just became to painful to post while my life was spiralling out of control. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/413444-here-goes Take the time that you need. And don't feel like anyone here is judging you in a negative way. I know I felt very beat up by the honest opinions people would constantly post. However it's because many have been exactly where you are. We just have the benefit of perspective of coming to the other side of that storm and knowing what we wished we would have done differently. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Hope you are OK, none of this is your fault, you can't be blamed for loving someone and wanting your marriage to work. I knew realtors through friends that were having an affair, they used their open houses for hook ups, hope you didn't find out that the affair never stopped. If the new information is bad have her move out for a while until you decide(without her influence)what it is you VBM want. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Logging in this morning in hopes that VBM is okay. I went back to his first page where he stated he was suicidal back, last November. Trying not to fear the worst and hope he is just taking some much-needed time for himself... :( 9 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 the silence is getting a little deafening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 the silence is getting a little deafening. Concur.... Link to post Share on other sites
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