Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Poutrew]

Gotterdammerung...

[merrmeade]

If he contacted ANYONE, can you perhaps let us know individually how he's doing?

[fellini]

I for one would never publish, even privately to another LS member, information that came into my private message inbox. I'm kind of unhappy that you publicly posted this and suggested we would.

 

If he contacted ANYONE, can you perhaps let us know individually how he's doing?

[Hope Shimmers]

I wish you guys would stop boosting this thread to the top. Every time I see it at the top again I think that VBM has updated.

 

Just let him update when he is able....

[merrmeade]

I for one would never publish, even privately to another LS member, information that came into my private message inbox. I'm kind of unhappy that you publicly posted this and suggested we would.

It would have to be with his permission but nvm. I just didn't like thinking about other possibilities. Just want him to be okay.

[BrianZA]

I look at the positive side of the situation. No news is good news and therefore I trust all negotiations are going well. That is my hope anyway...

[oldshirt]

I look at the positive side of the situation. No news is good news and therefore I trust all negotiations are going well. That is my hope anyway...

 

I don't think so. VBM has consistently been her biggest champion and has stood up for her and defended her against us since day one.

 

If this meeting was to break good news to him he would've come back here and shouted it from the roof tops as soon as the meeting was over.

[Hope Shimmers]

No, I doubt that they are on their second honeymoon.

 

I want to smack his wife upside the head. I would have given ANYTHING for a marriage like this woman had.

 

Even assuming nothing else new has happened, I still want to smack her upside the head.

[VeryBrokenMan]

My wife and I have not been apart since the therapist meeting so I was not able to update sooner.

 

I'm working on typing up an update and it's gotten long so I thought I'd just let everyone know I'm OK and to tell you guys that your thoughts and concerns mean a lot to me. This is a great support system and I thank everyone of you for your wishes and just letting me know your thinking about us.

 

The news is not all good but but not all bad either, it's just what it is. I will have the update posted shortly, be prepared I have a lot of stuff to share.

[eric1]

My wife and I have not been apart since the therapist meeting so I was not able to update sooner.

 

I'm working on typing up an update and it's gotten long so I thought I'd just let everyone know I'm OK and to tell you guys that your thoughts and concerns mean a lot to me. This is a great support system and I thank everyone of you for your wishes and just letting me know your thinking about us.

 

The news is not all good but but not all bad either, it's just what it is. I will have the update posted shortly, be prepared I have a lot of stuff to share.

 

Good or bad we're here for ya man.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Sorry everyone, I've not gotten mush sleep lately, none really the last few nights so I apologize if any of this is disjointed. I want to try to get as much of this down that I can whiles it's still fresh, sorry it's going to be a lot. I'm certain I have PTSD from all this crap as I'm shaking as I write this. I'm not feeling emotional or anything but I think my fight or flight is just kicked into high gear.

 

My wife showed up late for the appointment and I was starting to think she was going to no show. When she finally arrived about 20 minutes late I could tell she was very emotional and I was fearing the worst. We spent almost three hours there and it was very draining. After introductions the IC started out saying that my wife has some deep psychological problems and she wants to refer her to a psychiatrist that specializes in the treatment she needs. She said my wife wanted to tell me some things about her life and that she was just their to listen and offer us both support and answer any questions I had. She said she was not going to talk unless asked to.

 

The first thing that my wife said was that she had already scheduled a polygraph at 4pm to corroborate everything she was going to tell me. She also told me our friend she spent the night with has no idea what is going on, she told her we had "plumbing issues" at the house. I mostly just listened and I asked a few questions. I decided before I got there that I was going to remain calm and collected throughout no matter what happened and I achieved that. I listened and I asked questions. I had the same shaking problem while I was there, it's very embarrassing but I can't really do anything about it but try to relax. It feels like the shivers when you get really cold and a very odd feeling. I was not able to record the session but I took notes as she spoke so I could remember everything. I numbered the thoughts to keep them straight, too tired to go back and edit.

 

1. My wife started out by saying she has been totally NC with the OM and there has not been any other man nor does she ever want anyone else. She said she is committed to me for as long as I will have her. Among other things she told me she fully expected me to leave her last year and she would not have blamed me. She expects me to ask for divorce after today but she will do anything to prevent that. She said she hates herself for what she has done to our relationship and that she is filled with so much regret. She got very emotional and told me that she has come close to suicide several times. Her IC spoke up and said that she has had extensive discussions about how to prevent suicide and she felt like she was in a good place at the moment regardless of what happened. I think she was telling me I could divorce her if I did not like anything she said and my wife would be OK as far as suicide. My wife said she hopes that I could listen with an open mind and with compassion and she was going to try to explain things. She said she has been dealing with some huge issues for a long time.

 

2. She told me she was sexually assaulted many times for over 18 month period starting at age 11 and ending when she was 13 by the friend of her brothers that was in his early 20's. It started out with this creep making her show him her body and later turned into forced sex. She got pregnant but miscarried the first month. I know of the guy but have not seen him in 30 years but he was a piece of work back then. I never had a clue about this and she had never even come close to talking about it with me. Only her sister knew about it and she said if I needed to talk about it my sister in law was willing to talk to me.

 

3. She said she realizes the relationship she had 12 years ago was an emotional affair but as soon as I confronted her she realized the OM wanted to be more than friends and she stopped it and never spoke to him again. She did not consider it an affair but realizes the OM did. The relationship lasted a few months. No sex or anything physical at all, there was one lunch "date".

 

4. She fully admits to being deeply narcissistic and wants to change that thinking and behavior. She does not think that led to the affair but that she has other issues. She fully accepts the choice to have the affair was hers alone and had nothing to do with me or the way I've treated her. She said I had been the best husband any women could ask for and that is in part why she feels so much shame and guilt about the affair. She said her friends have always been jealous of the type of man I am and how well she was treated. She knows she has not treated me well in the past and she said she was sincerely sorry for her behavior and that she will spend the rest of her life making that up to me if I will let her.

 

5. She said she has a deep seated need to expose herself to strangers due to the abuse she suffered when she was 11. She admits she is an exhibitionist and has terrible shame over that and never wanted me to know that side of her. She has contemplated suicide to prevent me from ever knowing that in the past. She says she would gladly be thought of as an adulterer rather than me know the truth. She never wanted to share pictures of herself like that with me because of the deep shame she felt.

 

6. We were in Vegas for her 40th birthday and we ended up at a strip club with a couple of other couples we had gone with. We had never been to s strip club together and she ended up getting on stage and taking her top off along with one of the other wives. She really enjoyed the experience and got friendly with a one of the older dancers who was her age and very beautiful and they exchanged information. They had very similar personalities and looked like sisters or cousins. I did not know this but they had remained friends and one of the "girls" trips to Vegas was a "working" trip where she went alone and danced on stage at the same strip club with the friend all night. It was a fantasy and satisfied the need to expose herself to strangers. She said never did any lap dances, just danced on stage. That same trip she and the friend went out drinking after "work" (I knew this at the time) and then went back to the friends house. (Did not know this). They ended up kissing for a long time and the friend went down on her and vice-versa. She says this was her one and only experience with a woman and that she is not even close to being bi-sexual. The encounter changed things between them and they have not been in contact since. (Polygraph confirmed all this). She apologized and told me she regretted this completely from the minute it happened.

 

7. She swore that there has never been anyone else or any desire for anyone else and she wants to take the polygraph as soon as she can(she took it after the session) to prove that and everything she was going to tell me. She was terrified of the polygraph before because she thought it would have exposed the real reasons for the affair that she was going to tell me today.

 

8. To satisfy this "need" to expose herself she has been going on a free nude cam site for several years. (myfreecams). Her IC took over for a minute and in a nutshell told me she has a metal illness and has nothing to do with sex or lack of love or respect for me. It's common in women that have been raped at an early age. My wife said she could never show me naked pictures because of the shame she felt and she did not get the same "fix" from from exposing herself to me. She said she has also used some of the phone apps that allow her to do that. She never had any interest at all in meeting any of the guys or having any relationship with them and she thought it was totally anonymous.

 

9. The OM was a cam site user (and the husband of her friend) and was a regular on her channel on the cam site for several months before he knew who she was. The site allows women to block certain locations/regions but he used some type of connection to the internet that made it appear he was elsewhere in the country that she had unblocked. She stressed several times that she had no interest in meeting or getting to know any of these men. The OM recognized her picture on Facebook the day of her birthday. He contacted her and let her know he knew her "secret". She said she felt like she knew him but there was no attraction physical or otherwise. He suggested she do a private show in person and it snowballed very quickly into phone sex and exchanging pictures. She did not realize at the time that it was any worse than doing it anonymously. She said she never wanted a relationship but that she just needed that "fix" of exposing herself. She willingly went to the house that first day just to strip in person and let him watch. Once she was there he wanted to spank her and she reluctantly gave in to satisfy her need to feel degraded and exposed. She wanted to be treated like garbage because that is what she feels like she is because of this problen. The fantasy for him was for her to tell him she loved him, basically the "girlfriend" experience with some spanking thrown in. He told her he had been abused as a child also. The experience turned her on so much that they ended up having sex but that was not the plan at least for my wife when she agreed to meet. I'm certain the OM had other ideas from the start. She said after it was over she was crying hysterically and she drove home and threw up violently all afternoon. She said she seriously considered ending her life that day going as far as pulling one of my pistols out of it's case and loading it. (Also confirmed by polygraph).

 

10. After the first sexual encounter she was suicidal for a couple of weeks and came close a couple of times but pulled herself out of it. She fell back into sending pictures to him. She was depressed prior to the affair because of her issues and the affair made that depression worse. The IC told me she felt like she has been clinically depressed for several years because of this issue.

 

11. She feels like the affair was like a bad car accident and we will both be scared for the rest of our lives by it. She said she wants to help me heal and the most important thing to her is for me to be whole again even if that means going our separate ways.

 

12. When she said she "it was a game" during that last call it was in her mind. At first it was just exchanging naked pictures but it escalated and snowballed and she failed to see how making it not anonymous crossed a huge line. She wanted that "hit" she felt in Vegas and wanted to be naked in front of a stranger. The game was exposing herself and to be degraded. She said several times she never loved him, that is just what he wanted to hear as part of the game.

 

13. She never wanted to have sex the second time but then he started talking about his rape fantasy and the second encounter escalated into a rape fantasy for both of them. The IC said this is common not only among women who have been raped but also many normal women. She wanted to pretend to be raped and he readily agreed being the rapist he is.

 

14. At some point after the first time they had sex she started to have feelings for the OM because she saw him as broken and screwed up as she was. She felt a bond just because of that, not because of any physical attraction. She said it started to feel like an affair instead of a game and she started to feel infatuated after the first sexual encounter. Once that happened she knew she had to end it and she tried. She had been trying to go NC but her addiction and need to expose herself would not let her and she kept sending pictures and eventually met for sex the second time.

 

15. All the lies and deception she had told the past few months have been to cover for her "need" of wanting to expose herself, the rape fantasy and the abuse she suffered as a young teen. She told me she was so ashamed of that she was willing to say it was an affair and lose her marriage to the love of her life rather than a deep seated need to expose herself. She feels ashamed that she was abused and ashamed that it's damaged her.

 

16. Like an alcoholic or any addict she is trying to break free from that behavior but she is having a hard time. The picture the other day was one she took and wanted to send to anyone(no one in mind) but she chose not to.(I guess that is progress) She has not done anything on the the cam site since the affair. She is willing to show me all the videos she has of that if I want to see them. That consisting of her getting naked and touching herself in private one on one shows.

 

She finally said: "Please help me, I need you and I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I need help and I need you in my life, please stick with me through this".After that she handed me a list of questions for the polygraph and asked me if we were still a couple or if the polygraph would be a waste of time. I told her I loved her and needed time to process all of this and to take the test. The questions were all the questions I had and everything she told me about during the session. Since then we have talked for 4 days straight and have gotten little sleep and little food. I'm sure that is playing into my shaking right at the moment.

 

Looking back at what she told me after the affair she never lied about the sexual meetings, she said she told him she loved him because "that is what he wanted to hear" and "i did not orgasm and I did not enjoy the sex" was true. She enjoyed being degraded and abused and the IC confirmed that is typical of childhood sexual abuse victims. The need he was filling was being a stranger and letting her expose herself to him, she could not get that from me in any way. I remember her telling me about 3 or 4 months ago "I don't think you realize just how f%^ked up I am". Now it makes perfect sense but at the time I did not know the extent of her problems.

 

I asked her about saying about the OM "I miss the man that tells me I’m beautiful. That knows my heart and appreciates it." and she said he did appreciate her for what she needed and accepted her brokenness just like she accepted his brokenness. She was going to miss that which I guess is honest. She added it was nothing romantic or physical she was going to miss. She stressed that she never loved him and was never attracted to him. He filled a need of being a stranger.

 

She went directly from the IC to the polygraph office and she answered all these questions and a few more I added. I got the results this morning and she showed no deception on any of the answers and "passed" the test. I'm not sure how I feel about that given my experience with the polygraph but it is what it is.

 

I'm still processing all this and I'm not sure what it all means yet and I'm going to step back and take a few days to get my thoughts together. I plan to see my IC this week. My initial thoughts are that I see that she was a victim when she was 11 and that really damaged her in ways I cannot comprehend. I'm not making any rash decisions at the moment. The stripping and cam stuff does bother me but when I look at it from the standpoint of her having a serious psychological problem rather than anything to do with me, our relationship or her love for me I can deal with it. Sex with the other women does not bother me at all. I keep telling myself she has a mental illness and you don't leave a spouse because they are ill, you stand behind them and help them get better. It would be no different than if she had cancer or any other serious illness. Am I wrong in this thinking?

 

It really helps that there have been no relationships with other men and other affairs, just a lot of good explanations for her choices that I knew about. I do feel a lot of compassion for her and what she went through at 11. We agreed at the end of the session that she does need to see the psychiatrist and she is going to schedule that as soon as possible. She really is a very broken person and I feel sorry for her and what she has gone through I just wish she had told me all this 8 months ago.

 

Thanks for all the support, any and all input is welcome. I'm still in shock and messed up and need some sleep before I can make sense of all this.

[aliveagain]

Wow, she will need some serious therapy. Too bad she didn't tell you this before you married because you might of dealt with it together saving you both so much pain. Take your time deciding what it is you want to do, wow.

[beach]

Oh my, big hugs to you!

 

Ok, so she was a victim, and has now been the "willing victim" - which is fueling the fire of being the victim at an early age...

 

What is her plan to change her status of being comfortable as the victim? How does SHE plan to change that FOR HERSELF?

 

 

You can't change it for her - intensive trauma therapy could help... Is she willing to face her fears and change her mindset and actions?

 

 

What she's offering you is a very broken woman. One who has caused a lot of harm with her behavior. What, EXACTLY, does she plan to change about herself?

Edited July 27, 2015 by beach

[BrianZA]

Well out of all the possible scenarios I would say that she is in pain and VBM is the best person to help see her through this. I firmly believe people do have the capacity to change and I believe that this woman can do it - with support and love.

 

 

Obviously there should be certain boundaries and parameters and VBM must be told when she feels she is "slipping" and when or rather if, this does happen, I sincerely hope Mr VBM steps in and holds out his hand, which I'm sure he will do.

 

 

I can really see this couple healing if they really want to be together, hey go for it, and I wish you the very best, and keep us informed of your success so we can all learn from it...

[Rainbowlove]

Based on her behavior, I suspected it was some sexual abuse issue that she was holding on to.

 

I'm sorry I was right about that, VBM.

 

From here, for her, it's out in the open. She can do the work she needs to do and work to get rid of the shame and guilt of it. She can overcome the abuse....I'm glad she finally has let go of the secret and voiced it. What a relief for her as scary as it must have been.

 

Do some research on sexual abuse, VBM, when you are in the right frame of mind to handle it.

 

For now, breathe and try to relax yourself. You've gone through a hell of a lot...

 

Best to you both.

[BrianZA]

And as for that other AP creep, I would tell him to stay away and if he ever contacts my wife again, I WILL pay him a visit...

[66Charger]

No, you are not wrong for standing behind this woman.

[singer23]

If she has been doing the cam shows for years and if she shows her face in these events, it is very likely that there are videos of her out there on the internet. Just for a FYI.

 

And really sorry for the situation. You don't deserve this.

[beach]

No, you are not wrong for standing behind this woman.

 

I don't disagree- except that he really doesn't know her. The REAL her just showed up with her truth last week.

 

The woman he thought she was - was an illusion.

 

31 years of lying by omission and betrayals is nothing to take lightly. She has a lot of work to do to overcome her fears and old behaviors... And time will reveal if he finds the new version of herself appealing.

 

The old her is a complete stranger due to the fact that she lied about who she really was for more than 31 years.

 

If she does trauma therapy it's likely to be a very bumpy roller coaster of emotions for at least a year or two.

[singer23]

I suspected something was up with my wife about 6 months ago and about two months ago I became very suspicious. Her phone and bathroom habits changed noticeably. I started snooping and found some texts that confirmed my suspicions.

 

This was not an unhappy marriage and the news blindsided me. I waited a couple of weeks and hired a private investigator to gather more evidence and confronted her. She denied everything. She knew I was suicidal and heart broken but did nothing to break the affair off. The pain of that is the worst.

 

I let it lie for another 3 weeks while I contacted a divorce attorneys and got things in order for the split. I confronted her with the proof and she confessed everything. I used her phone to text the AP that day and told him to never contact her again.

 

A couple of days later I felt so bad for her (go figure) that I told her she could contact him one last time to get closure. The private investigator was able to listen in on that call and it was not good. Said she still loved him, could not give him up, bitched about how unfair it was, basically showed no remorse. Said she did not regret it but regretted getting caught. Needed him now more than ever. Told him she was going to lie to me about the length of the call. And said they would talk another day. Basically could not have been worse.

 

But I'm very torn because since confronting her with the transcript from the call she has been a model citizen. She is doing everything right to help me heal, taking responsibility for the affair, answering all my questions, showing regret and remorse, turning over passwords, un-friending every male on her Facebook. She says the call was just letting him down easy but I call bull**** and think it was her true feelings.

 

I might add that she has a very comfortable life, has never had to work and was treated like a queen. Yes I lost focus on her at times but it was to build both of us a brighter future. But we never fought, always had sex and were always friends. I'm worried that she only wants to stay together for the financial aspects as her AP could never come close to the type life she has now.

 

I could not imagine doing this to her so can anyone give me any insight on cheaters? Do I believe her actions now or what she told him?

 

 

Your first post

[singer23]

I don't disagree- except that he really doesn't know her. The REAL her just showed up with her truth last week.

.

 

I am not even sure now

[bigman1]

Has she been exposing herself and webcamming during this period of R?

 

When you checked her computers, and used all of the passwords that you had been given, you never saw one sign of her being a webcam model? There is software to download, etc.

 

Has she shared the webcam login information with you so that you can verify her story?

 

Was she getting paid for webcam appearances, and does that explain the money she gets?

 

You never noticed that she seemed so depressed that she seemed suicidal?

 

Was that picture that you saw, a recent one or one for my free cams? If it was for them, did you not find evidence of those photos and that account on her phone, if she used it to upload.

 

I'm sorry for these questions, but this latest reveal is fraught with issues. It is so extraordinary. I don't want to cross any forum rules, but I can tell you, this is too far out of left field.

[bigman1]

yep, I just did some research on that site, this story does not add up at all.

[italianjob]

It's quite a lot to digest... The first thing that comes to my mind is that you have been living with someone playing a part for quite a number of years now...

 

And I got a feeling there is much more to this story to uncover... Hope I'm wrong.

[oldshirt]

Wow!! I figured this whole IC thing went a lot deeper than "just" a relapse of an affair, but I think that went deeper than any of us expected.

 

This is all some pretty serious $h!^ and it will be up to an integrated team of shrinks and therapists and counselors etc to treat all her issues and baggage.

 

VBM was standing by her and steadfastly defending her when it simply looked like a cheating ho. Now that there's deep issues and abuse and possibly mental illness, I think we all know VBM will never flinch or leave her side. My personal thoughts are VBM is a White Knight to the Nth degree and with this revelation he'll draw his sword and mount his white horse to do whatever battle she needs.

 

The problem is even though people may be sick and may have horrific traumas from their past, they can still be dangerous and can still do terrible things.

 

It's up to the shrinks and counselors and therapists to treat Mrs VBM and their marriage. That's all out of our league. Our jobs are to basically be drinking buddies to VBM to be there when he needs to vent and give him some good ol' horse-sense advice on how to cover his own @$$.

 

I know VBM isn't going to leave due to these revelations but that doesn't mean he needs to drop his defense shields or lower his expectations of appropriate behavior and boundaries.

 

He can be understanding and supportive but that doesn't mean she gets a free pass if she decides she wants to get back on the stripper pole or ride any other poles in the audience.

 

The only way to survive this and come out the other side is with Teflon boundaries and being ready to pull the ejection handle and bail out at any moment.