Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[beach]

All this in secret and nothing was found by your PI?

 

Your wife went to extreme measures to hide her whole life from you.

 

I'd divorce her...

 

You can still be supportive of her getting well. You can decide after she gets well if you even find her appealing = the REAL her.

 

You don't even know who she is.

 

Give her space and room to find herself. It will take years.

 

Remind her you love who you thought she originally was - and can be supportive as she makes progress to change. But you can tell her you don't like who she is now.

 

It's time for you to take care of YOURSELF! Placing distance is my suggestion - that way she has room to sift through all of her own crap without trying to dump it onto you to fix.

 

When she shows evidence that she's a changed woman - then it may be worth considering a closer relationship. At the moment she's made 31 years of YOUR life a farce! I'd be flaming mad if I were you!!!

[RightThere]

I keep telling myself she has a mental illness and you don't leave a spouse because they are ill, you stand behind them and help them get better. It would be no different than if she had cancer or any other serious illness. Am I wrong in this thinking?

 

Short answer is you are not wrong to want to stay and help your wife.

 

Without disclosing too much, my STBXW has experienced very similar sexual exploitations at a very young age that have screwed her up and contributed to a lot of her infidelity.

 

The benefit you have is that your wife is ready to face all those demons. If my STBXW had been willing to do that as well, we probably could have worked on things.

 

Just be aware that

1) Your wife is very likely to have slips along the way. You need to be prepared for that. And they won't be little slips.

2) Because you will be in her life, she may find recovery difficult because she'll be comparing herself to you. You're the "good husband" and she's the "bad wife". I'm sure you'll be supportive, but the two tiered level will exist in her mind.

 

You are definitely in shock and need to process all of this for a while. No decisions need to be made. Take care of yourself, and provide your wife with whatever level of support you are comfortable with.

 

You will get through this. Good luck my friend.

[understand50]

I keep telling myself she has a mental illness and you don't leave a spouse because they are ill, you stand behind them and help them get better. It would be no different than if she had cancer or any other serious illness. Am I wrong in this thinking?

 

It really helps that there have been no relationships with other men and other affairs, just a lot of good explanations for her choices that I knew about. I do feel a lot of compassion for her and what she went through at 11. We agreed at the end of the session that she does need to see the psychiatrist and she is going to schedule that as soon as possible. She really is a very broken person and I feel sorry for her and what she has gone through I just wish she had told me all this 8 months ago.

 

VBM,

 

You are right to stand by her. At this time, she does need your support. I am struck by Ann's courage to tell you all this. This was not done easily, and shows you the one thing many BH never get - Why. On my first post to you, I stated you may never know why, or she may not know why, but you do now.

 

I can also understand her trying to keep her secret. We all have things, that we would die before revealing. This is a deep scar on her soul and whole being, and the compulsion to do this behavior, shows just how low she must feel at this time.

 

It does help that everything stopped, on D-day, but she saw she was slipping back, and now needs the love and support of the man she loves, to get over this and finally heal. What you do is your decision, but I, have always suggested reconciliation, on Love Shack, when possible. Myself, compassion, when warranted, is a great strength in a man. You have shown this, and demonstrated what type of man you are. Please do not look at this a failure, or you being a lesser man. Strength, is not always doing what is just best for yourself, sometime it is putting aside your needs for another needs. When both husband and wife can do this for each other, marriage is a heaven on earth. In the end, you may decide to move on, but I would advise you to support your wife, and stay together. Love can overcome. After all you both have been trough, this is the true start of healing for you, and her.

 

I wish Ann, and yourself, the best of luck and peace of mind.

[66Charger]

This woman told her story, AND BACKED IT UP WITH A POLYGRAPH. I dont see the point in anyone disputing that she said as truth.

 

Big respect to Anne

[SpokenFor]

Wow.

 

I am glad this curtain got shoved aside and you were finally allowed to see what was going on behind it. I have to admit I can't empathize with her since I can't imagine the level of shame and guilt she has carried, to not even be able to tell you, the person closest to her in the world. It must have been an awful thing to carry alone.

 

You clearly love your wife, and hopefully the polygraph also included questions that allow you to see that she loves you. Given your long and fairly happy marriage together, sticking with her for more time to see how you can help her heal feels like the right answer, right now.

 

Can you share anything you two have discussed about how to set and verify boundaries, how she can continue to be open to you and reinforce that openness? Is there any way you could turn her deep-seated desires into a part of your sex life but turn them into a positive bonding aspect of her life? I think acceptance of these things and viewing them as kinks you share together could potentially help both of you. I am only mention this because the (fairly tame) stripping seemed to have been an outlet that you weren't totally uncomfortable with and whether it was a public outlet (with some private satisfaction for you later) or something you did strictly in private that could work.

 

Lastly, and again, wow. Your ability to stand by her speaks both to your character and strength and to the multitude of ways she must make your life better. You don't need to decide anything quickly and you have done a great job keeping things together until she could find the courage to open up to you. Please let us pat you on the back for all you've done and continue to do! Your wife loves you, you love her. You can perhaps glimpse a path that leads to you both being more healthy than you've ever been, and a huge veil of uncertainty has been lifted.

 

Now, hopefully, you can relax a bit... you deserve it!

[bigman1]

one more thing, in the phone call that was transcribed, at no point did anyone mention the web cam stuff? As she's saying good bye, but that she does not want it to be so, he did not ask if she'd still be online? Never once?

 

I promise to stop these Columbo type posts, but I just went and re-read VBM's posts and I gotta tell ya.....

[singer23]

The whiteknighting crowd need to realize how this affects VBM too..If he is killing himself by staying with her, he should not be guilted to stay.

 

This is beyond LS's paygrade..

 

VBM, the IC is just there to prevent her from killing herself. Is she has to lie, validate, enable for your wife, she will do it - for her survival is the most important aspect for her(and so should it be). And that applies to you too. You need not believe anything the IC told you as the complete 100% truth either.

 

At this point, the complete truth probably doesn't matter anymore. This has gone way beyond that. It is just coping and surviving with the truth you know. You just need to develop tools to survive with the reality you have now. Unfortunately, separation might also become an option at some point.

[drifter777]

It's hard to comprehend that she was able to hide this from you for 31 years. Was she really able to "control" herself for all those decades and begin acting out in her 50's? Ok, I guess you have to deal with the facts that you know.

 

I am married to a former adulteress and a compulsive gambler. She stopped screwing other guys many years ago (I think?). Her gambling ruined us, financially. She went through treatment for gambling addiction which included many sessions with spouses/significant others. I hated her for what she did - all the lies to my face about finances. She had 12 credit cards in my name that I didn't know existed. She forced us into bankruptcy. About a year after she got out of treatment, she relapsed. As with all addictions, she started using (gambling) with a vengeance - worse than ever. After a month of living hell I told her that if she went to the casino once more to never come back. I was not going to "help" her or try to control her addiction any longer. I was going to divorce her - no more chances. I took away all of her access to money. I closed out all of our bank & brokerage accounts and reopened them without her name on the account and only my signature on record. I treated her like a 12 year-old and told her, clearly, that if she couldn't accept this then get out. It's been 10 years and she's now doing fine. I began giving her access to 1 bank account and 1 "small" credit card about 3 years ago and she's handled it fine. On the gambling front, we're doing fine.

 

So, what does this have to do with you? Addiction is addiction. At some level they are all the same. Your wife is an addict and you are codependent. You are her apologist and her biggest supporter. You are her enabler. You need IC as badly as she does. You have to understand - I mean really understand and accept - a few things:

 

1) you CANNOT control her addiction. You need to learn and understand the ways you are now trying to control things.

 

2) you are both sick. As you recover you may get to a place where you are not able to accept the relationship with your wife any longer.

 

3) she is going to "fail" many times during her recovery. That is just the way it is.

 

You don't seem like the kind of man who can embrace this and set up a webcam for her and let her bring in some extra money, so the immediate future is going to be tough. So, if you decide to believe all of this and want to continue your marriage, you have a long, hard path ahead of you.

 

Sexual assault does not give your wife a free pass for this behavior. Millions of women have endured things similar to what your wife did and they don't act out like this. Her IC is telling you its "common" because she is a counselor and all the women who have survived without permanent damage are not coming in to her office to talk about it. Your codependency will drive you to bend over backwards to excuse her behavior now and going forward - and that is not going to help the situation. What a mess.

 

You should NOT feel compelled to stay married so you can help your wife recover. It has nothing to do with you, although you will feel a deep responsibility to stay with her. The fact is you have suffered enough. She has hidden this from you for decades and she is still actively "using". Please see and IC and work through your feelings about this. She's not going to stop doing this cold turkey. She'll tell you she will - and she will try very hard - but she is going to post more pictures or find a way to webcam again. I am not being negative about this - I am telling you how it is. You can't help her - this is all up to her wanting to change badly enough to stick with therapy through the ups and downs of recovery.

 

Many, many addicts never make it to total abstinence. My wife and I go to Vegas to gamble several times a year so she can get it out of her. I manage every penny and, when she spends her daily allowance, she can go to the room and watch TV. I can't control her addiction but I can control the money. This works for us but I don't expect some arrangement like this will work for you.

 

IC is a must for you. Left to your own devices nothing will change and you will continue to suffer until you die.

[RightThere]

The whiteknighting crowd need to realize how this affects VBM too..If he is killing himself by staying with her, he should not be guilted to stay.

 

This is a real thing (and I suffer from it too).

 

That is why it needs to be a VBM's comfort level. He could totally sacrifice all of himself in this and provide more support that could be to his own detriment. But on the flip side, I know the feeling all too well that you feel like you can't totally abandon it either. It has it's own negative effects on VBM, just in a different way.

 

There is no wrong answer or way to go on this. But sadly there is no totally right answer either.

[BetrayedH]

Well, another round of TT is always difficult to stomach. I think TT has finished off more marriages than affairs have. It always makes you wonder what else is STILL floating around out there and it amazes me the number of times that there still is actually more to reveal, even after they've said that you finally know everything. People just don't get that you just need to rip the bandaid off.

 

I will say that I find her confession to seem remarkably comprehensive. The fact that she did it in front of her therapist would speak a lot to her honesty (at least, I hope that the therapist has encouraged this confession and was there to help ensure that it was a complete one). And further, the fact that she scheduled her own poly really tells me that she wanted it ALL out on the table. Unreliable or not, I can't imagine that you'd schedule your own poly if you had intentions of lying during the test.

 

I see this as a huge demonstration of true remorse. And I think you can feel fairly secure in the fact that you now know what there is to know. Better yet, the fact that she's done all of this and has plans to proceed from talk therapy to psychiatry would speak volumes to me about her intent to fix what is broken. As much as I despise trickle-truth, these are the components that I would look for when considering a reconciliation.

 

All that said, you can certainly decide that you want off of this rollercoaster ride and no one could blame you. I also think that you'd have to have some crazy rigid boundaries in place about her abstaining from ANYTHING like this in the future, along with given requirements for full honesty and transparency. Frankly, I'd make it clear that so much as one slip up or future revelation or discovery and you are GONE. The challenge is that I think a "slip up" is likely considering that this is a veritable addiction for her. And if you tolerate it, you might as well sign up for a lifetime of it because you'll have transformed from victim to volunteer.

 

Personally, I could support another attempt at reconciling at this stage. And frankly, I'd feel better about it now than I would have at any prior stage. I'd actually consider this to be the real beginning of your recovery. For the first time, I think you can consider yourselves equal partners in the effort.

 

Best of luck to you, whatever you choose.

[beach]

I think it's best for you to work with your therapist on a healthy boundary for you. Outline what that looks like. Stick to it.

 

You need to know where you end and she begins - this is her work to do - you can't do it for her.

 

Knowing exactly what your boundary looks like should help you find a balance and ability to be happy with or without her.

 

She has a lot to do - you have a lot to sift through as well.

 

I hope you are taking good care of yourself. Eat right, get some needed rest and clear your mind... Maybe a mini vacation on your own would do you wonders?

[Morro72]

Wow. That was probably a bit more than you expected.

 

Best wishes, and you both have a lot of work ahead of you. At least you are all working from the same set of facts - it's clear from your posts that the uncertainty and doubt have taken a huge toll on you.

 

I do think it would be worth spot-checking some of the new information, despite the passed poly. The cam site account stands out as something that should be easy to check out and, as mentioned in one of the other replies, it's maybe a little surprising that it didn't turn up earlier.

[beach]

Not to focus on small things - as I do think little things indicate the bigger picture - but why did she lie to the person she stayed with for a few days? Still lying?

 

That's a huge red flag to me - indicating she still isn't capable of telling her truth.

 

If want to know when her lies stop?

[Rainbowlove]

Not to focus on small things - as I do think little things indicate the bigger picture - but why did she lie to the person she stayed with for a few days? Still lying?

 

That's a huge red flag to me - indicating she still isn't capable of telling her truth.

 

If want to know when her lies stop?

 

Really? Give her a break.

 

The woman was raped at 11 years old!! She will share it with whom she feels comfortable sharing it with...in her time.

 

Geez. Back off.

[beach]

Really? Give her a break.

 

The woman was raped at 11 years old!! She will share it with whom she feels comfortable sharing it with...in her time.

 

Geez. Back off.

 

I wasn't referring to her sharing her back ground. I was referring to her lying.

 

She could have gone to a hotel in order to avoid lying to her friend - rather than she had plumbing problems at home.

 

 

I was referencing her blatant lie to her friend... Which is concerning - considering she's stating she's being honest now.

Edited July 27, 2015 by beach

[Rainbowlove]

I wasn't referring to her sharing her back ground. I was referring to her lying.

 

She could have gone to a hotel in order to avoid lying to her friend - rather than she had plumbing problems at home.

 

 

I was referencing her blatant lie to her friend... Which is concerning - considering she's stating she's being honest now.

 

I think we need to show some compassion to a woman who is coming clean with the ugliest thing that can happen to a woman let a lone a little girl...

 

So she told her friend, we're having plumbing problems....big deal. She probably didn't want to be alone and needed a safe place to be.

[beach]

I think we need to show some compassion to a woman who is coming clean with the ugliest thing that can happen to a woman let a lone a little girl...

 

So she told her friend, we're having plumbing problems....big deal. She probably didn't want to be alone and needed a safe place to be.

 

I understand your point and I do feel compassion for her... But I think you missed my point.

 

But it's ok... I am just hoping VBM is seeking some professional help = IC for himself.

[understand50]

Really? Give her a break.

 

The woman was raped at 11 years old!! She will share it with whom she feels comfortable sharing it with...in her time.

 

Geez. Back off.

 

So agree with Rainbowlove.

 

Again, we all need to keep in mind that these are two very real people, and that what we learn and are allowed to know is a privilege. We need to respect, what they have gone trough. Just as I we all should respect each other life experiences.

 

As a man, I cannot imagine what it was like to be raped at age 11, gotten pregnant, and then have a miscarriage. Scary stuff to a CHILD. Hurtful stuff at anytime, If you look at the guts it took to tell her husband, she is not going to be in the habit of telling anyone.

 

We should acknowledge the courage in all this.

[RightThere]

I wasn't referring to her sharing her back ground. I was referring to her lying.

 

She could have gone to a hotel in order to avoid lying to her friend - rather than she had plumbing problems at home.

 

 

I was referencing her blatant lie to her friend... Which is concerning - considering she's stating she's being honest now.

 

I think you're looking for toothpicks in the middle of the forest.

[66Charger]

Not to focus on small things - as I do think little things indicate the bigger picture - but why did she lie to the person she stayed with for a few days? Still lying?

 

That's a huge red flag to me - indicating she still isn't capable of telling her truth.

 

If want to know when her lies stop?

 

Because it was NONE OF HER BUSINESS!

 

That post really is "not intelligent" (I didnt want to get moderated again so I put it mildly)

[eric1]

just clearing some things that I do not understand (hopefully done as respectfully as possible)

 

If she really didn't love him, then why did she campaign for one last phone call so hard, and then further betray you by saying how much she loved him, etc?

 

If she was on MyFreeCams then there will be financial data to corroborate these details

[Horton]

12. When she said she "it was a game" during that last call it was in her mind. At first it was just exchanging naked pictures but it escalated and snowballed and she failed to see how making it not anonymous crossed a huge line. She wanted that "hit" she felt in Vegas and wanted to be naked in front of a stranger. The game was exposing herself and to be degraded. She said several times she never loved him, that is just what he wanted to hear as part of the game.

 

Looking back at what she told me after the affair she never lied about the sexual meetings, she said she told him she loved him because "that is what he wanted to hear" and "i did not orgasm and I did not enjoy the sex" was true. She enjoyed being degraded and abused and the IC confirmed that is typical of childhood sexual abuse victims. The need he was filling was being a stranger and letting her expose herself to him, she could not get that from me in any way. I remember her telling me about 3 or 4 months ago "I don't think you realize just how f%^ked up I am". Now it makes perfect sense but at the time I did not know the extent of her problems.

 

I asked her about saying about the OM "I miss the man that tells me I’m beautiful. That knows my heart and appreciates it." and she said he did appreciate her for what she needed and accepted her brokenness just like she accepted his brokenness. She was going to miss that which I guess is honest. She added it was nothing romantic or physical she was going to miss. She stressed that she never loved him and was never attracted to him. He filled a need of being a stranger.

 

These are some excepts from the call to her lover, she said it was two or three minutes but it was actually 75 minutes.

 

Does this sound like someone that I should forgive and try to reconcile with? (Serious question, my judgement is not great right now)

 

Excerpts:

 

01:20:00

And you know this is (pause) it started out like a game to me but it didn’t end up being a game for me.

 

01:23:00

And I need you now more than ever

 

01:23:17 And no matter what I’m always going to miss you

 

01:39:00

 

I’m not sorry about (pause) which speaks to part of the problem is.

That I’m not really sorry I did this because you came to mean so much to me.

 

And I'm not sorry we had this relationship, I'm sorry that I got caught

 

01:41:00

I’d live in a cardboard box if I could escape all this right now

 

01:45

I want you to know I think you are a really good guy. (crying)

Me too (crying)

 

01:50

Oh yeah, he will. I’ll tell him we just talked for 2 or 3 minutes and I told you bye.

 

01:52:00

We need to hang up, I hate to, I don’t want to be without you (crying)

 

01:54:00

And I need you to know that I really do love you and it’s really hard for me to let you go.

 

So maybe some other day we can talk.

 

What she's told you and what she told him(behind your back) does not add up. If she didn't really love him and it was all a game then why would she risk everything(again) just to call him and tell him how much he means to her?

[velvette]

just clearing some things that I do not understand (hopefully done as respectfully as possible)

 

If she really didn't love him, then why did she campaign for one last phone call so hard, and then further betray you by saying how much she loved him, etc?

 

If she was on MyFreeCams then there will be financial data to corroborate these details

 

 

The child was in charge. Her experience with him was probably the first time since she was raped that she felt loved for totally being herself....damaged and all.

 

 

He tapped into all the secret shame/damage and told her she was ok.

 

 

She didn't want to go live with him. Didn't love him in the adult sense, but felt bonded to/obligated to him because she felt he accepted her for who she was(feels like love and what most of us want....to be loved for who we are warts and all). Hard to give up, especially when she felt there was no way to get that from VBM without giving up her secrets which felt impossible/not survivable at that time.

 

 

The details do not matter.

[eric1]

I guess that I just don't understand it. It doesn't mean I'm saying that you're wrong, but I just don't understand how that works.

[velvette]

I guess that I just don't understand it. It doesn't mean I'm saying that you're wrong, but I just don't understand how that works.

 

When people are raped as children and don't get the help they need to process whats happened to them, they are stuck in childhood.

 

 

Their whole development process is stunted. There whole life is governed by keeping their secret because they see it as shameful. She was likely groomed to participate in her own abuse and/or threatened with death or harm to anyone she told.

 

 

Adult rape victims have similar feelings...i.e. shame regarding whatever choices they made to survive.

 

 

An adult can usually get help on their own and rationally understand that they were not to blame. A child does not have those resources unless they tell an adult who helps them.

 

 

The shame that goes with all that is overwhelming. Someone who has that much shame feels unlovable. They hate themselves. How could anyone else love them?

 

 

And then, she met OM who accepted her as she acted out all that shame(which is what many..not all...survivors of childhood rape...do...act out sexually...because it feels good......when they did it in childhood it stopped the abuse so temporarily it was over and they were rewarded somehow by the abuser)..........so because OM accepted how she acted out her shame and liked her for it, she felt cared about/loved for who she sees herself being.....nevermind its not who she really is or was meant to be.

 

 

She would have felt some loyalty to him for being the person who made her feel loved. Hence she didn't want to just dump him unceremoniously. She cared about him because she felt in some twisted way that he cared about her.

 

 

Its a dysfunctional reaction to trauma she has never healed from because she didn't tell anyone and get help.

Edited July 27, 2015 by velvette