Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[velvette]

Re-posted for emphasis. Work on this in the same way you would if she was an alcoholic and you have a chance to actually recover yourself and even help her with her recovery.

 

I have to ask: are you totally unwilling to accept the possibility that I (and others) are right? That all addicts swear they have quit, they swear they will change, and then they use again that very day? Their intentions are always right but remember - the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Also, that you have become as sick as she is? That your enabling is no help to her as she struggles with her issues? Look, you cannot see this as clearly as those of us with much history with addiction - I know that. And you don't want to believe a word of what I'm saying. I'm just asking you to approach the problem from the addiction angle with your IC so you can become educated on this subject and break the enabling behavior. That behavior is so much a part of you it is impossible for you to see or accept. You have taken many leaps-of-faith on this journey so far and I hope you can take one more and talk to your counselor about this approach.

 

 

By all means educate yourself VBM; just make sure you also look at the abysmal failure rate of this model of treatment.

 

 

Effective therapy for your W should include imo hypnotherapy that takes her back to the original rape(when the therapist believes she is strong enough to do that). Then they will help her process all the feelings that will come up that she never processed.

 

 

This will likely remove much of her desire to engage in the dysfunctional behaviors she has in the past. Reason being she will gradually be relieved of the feelings she has carried for so long.

 

 

Prior to that a good counselor will be helping her come up with healthy coping strategies to deal with whatever causes her on a day to day basis to want to act out dysfunctionally. There are likely things that trigger her desire to act out. Not the same as an addiction to alcohol or drugs which also has a physical and most believe genetic facet.

 

 

Your counselor can help you keep you sorted out whats yours to deal with and whats hers if you feel confused/conflicted about that.

 

 

They are similar but not the same. Borrow what makes sense. Sell your soul to any one therapy at your own peril.

[Dutchman1]

VBM,

We (me and my wife) are praying for the two of you.

As for the Pc/laptop: It doesn't matter if things are deleted.

If the PC is not formatted I and many specialists can even bring back 80% back, even way back, if you really want to know, there is a very good chance.

 

Best to you both.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[understand50]

I'll go ahead and say that I have tried a variety of VPN's. It had nothing to do with camming or anything. It was to protect MYSELF from freaky, obsessed weirdos.

 

Some people use VPN to be able to view blocked sites. Some people use it to keep from being hacked or tracked. Some people do use it to hide their IP.

 

Thing is, these days it is not that hard to figure things out even with a VPN, which is why I eventually stopped using one. I got booted offline all the time (because I was using free/cheap ones), and after awhile, for me, I decided that I'd rather just confront certain things head on if need be than try to hide and be afraid 24/7.

 

I would say your WW likely used it to hide her IP and her location.

 

virtual private network = VPN

 

A VPN is used to set up a private network on the fly for mobile or remote users. Most major corporation use VPN's so they can have people work from home or when traveling. and be on the company Wide Area Network WAN.

 

Best way for a layman to understand it, is to imagine a pipe that is coming to your house, - the public internet. If you can run a smaller pipe trough it, and encrypt, you then have your own network, running on the public network. The public internet becomes a "wire" for the "private" network. All VPN are software driven and require some type of client, so it must be set up.

 

What the OM was doing was putting up a VPN to a different area,from some service. The website would believe that he was originating from that area as that is where the public internet access would be. In my company, while I am in the US, I can easily pick a VPN and to the UK, and that is where I would appear in the public internet. Here is a link.

 

How VPNs Work - HowStuffWorks

[Dutchman1]

The AP could be using the TOR browser.It's also called" The deep web".it's anonymous, hides address and IP.and the things you can find there are unbelievable.

Don't forget a hidden map on a PC called cookies. Every time you visit a website a cookie is placed on your PC. Some software and specialist can make this readable.

This way I could help busting my brothers ex wife, I will tell the story sometime.

 

Good luck

 

Dutchman 1

[Spectre]

I agree with the poster who said you are an apologist and an enabler for your wife. Here is the harsh truth: it just doesn't seem that you are likely to change that. Which means in the end this marriage will never truly work out. You will just end up either: getting hurt again, or being kept in the dark about what she is up to.

 

I just find this so heartbreaking because she already threw away 31 years and now she is going to steal more years from you.

 

People are saying you have a big heart and I agree, but in this case that works against you. Your heart is so big..and it has so much love for this woman..you can't see the reality of the situation.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Spectre

[velvette]

I agree with the poster who said you are an apologist and an enabler for your wife. Here is the harsh truth: it just doesn't seem that you are likely to change that. Which means in the end this marriage will never truly work out. You will just end up either: getting hurt again, or being kept in the dark about what she is up to.

 

I just find this so heartbreaking because she already threw away 31 years and now she is going to steal more years from you.

 

People are saying you have a big heart and I agree, but in this case that works against you. Your heart is so big..and it has so much love for this woman..you can't see the reality of the situation.

 

Actually, having been in VMB's shoes, the opposite is true. When you are face to face with someone you love telling you this story, you instantly see the reality of almost everything that has gone on in your M.

 

 

It is the missing puzzle piece.

 

 

What you need to do about that is a process that cannot be worked out overnight. I understand why you would think the way you do, but unless you have been there, it is almost impossible to understand.

 

 

As for throwing away 31 years, again this is not true. Everything good they shared is still good. His wife was not broken 24/7 in all regards for 31 years. She has good parts and strong parts and what he knows now does not change that.

 

 

It may not be good enough to stay married to her, but that is something VBM will have to work out for himself and it will likely be a process that is his alone.

 

 

He seems like an apologist and enabler because he knew in his gut he was missing a puzzle piece. He has that missing puzzle piece now and its up to him and his W if they take that piece and complete the puzzle picture of a happy M or call it a day and D.

[autumnnight]

With respect, and I don't expect this to stay long...

 

Most of the people encouraging you, VBM, to basically ignore your WW's trauma are men who are still, um, working through their own stuff or have shut off their heart, along with people who have swallowed the very very extreme version of the behaviorism pill.

 

You MUST take care of yourself. You may not, in the end, be able to continue with the marriage.

 

But I believe that your willingness to take time, your honor in wanting to support your wife, who may well have "stolen" 31 years from you, but who had even more of that life stolen from HER starting at 11, is rare, manly, and wonderful.

 

I truly admire you.

[eric1]

Tell me more about the VPN thing, I'll see what I can find out.

 

So VPNs stand for Virtual Private Networks. They're (generally) software that you install on your computer in order to connect to another place (we'll call it a hub) securely. Once connected to a hub all traffic between you and the hub is encrypted. It's effectively impossible to 'hack' or decrypt this traffic.

 

Traditionally VPNs have been used to secure workplaces, either remote offices or remote users. Because the traffic that leaves your machine never hits the actual internet (in most instances, but for this exercise let's assume all) when the traffic does hit the internet it appears to the world that it came out of the hub.

 

With the growth of online video the secondary use of these VPNs has been for that 'tunnel' effect. So if you're in Poland where Netflix isn't available you VPN into somewhere in the U.S. The hub is also on the hook for transmitting this traffic, which is why nearly all of the ones that are even kind of decent cost $20ish a month.

 

You would not use a service to VPN if you were doing anything illegal like you theorized. Because these VPN hubs are the 'hosts of record' for anything done on the internet they track you or theoretically could track you. There are exceptions of course, but they're sketchy. Child porn is the great equalizer here, no VPN service can stay up and not track you, because eventually the Feds will come knocking. This is why even if the dude was a scum bag for other reasons he wouldn't be using a VPN, it would be creating more risk for him and not necessarily be giving him any benefit.

 

Because the traffic isn't just dependent on your internet connection, but how busy the VON hub is, it also makes it a not great option to use for video like MyFreeCams. It would give you a worse quality of service no questions asked. And since MyFreeCams doesn't make it easy to track down someone's region you literally have no reason to use it. In addition to the throughput issues you're also adding another 'hop' that your traffic needs to take to get to MFC. This is called latency and it's the measure of how long a packet takes to get to you - VERY bad for things like video and voice.

 

I can answer any other specific questions you may have. Again, the use of a VPN in this situation doesn't even kind of make sense from a technical perspective.

[66Charger]

If there is anyone, who REALLY NEEDS A VACATION, it is you VBM

 

Waters cool.

Edited July 29, 2015 by 66Charger

[merrmeade]

By all means educate yourself VBM; just make sure you also look at the abysmal failure rate of this model of treatment.

 

 

Effective therapy for your W should include imo hypnotherapy that takes her back to the original rape(when the therapist believes she is strong enough to do that). Then they will help her process all the feelings that will come up that she never processed.

 

 

This will likely remove much of her desire to engage in the dysfunctional behaviors she has in the past. Reason being she will gradually be relieved of the feelings she has carried for so long.

 

 

Prior to that a good counselor will be helping her come up with healthy coping strategies to deal with whatever causes her on a day to day basis to want to act out dysfunctionally. There are likely things that trigger her desire to act out. Not the same as an addiction to alcohol or drugs which also has a physical and most believe genetic facet.

 

 

Your counselor can help you keep you sorted out whats yours to deal with and whats hers if you feel confused/conflicted about that.

 

 

They are similar but not the same. Borrow what makes sense. Sell your soul to any one therapy at your own peril.

(Bold is mine.) VBM, in weighing the full range of ideas and suggestions in your thread, I hope you'll follow up with velvette's. I don't know anything about this area, but she has made some points you cannot afford to ignore imo. If there are different approaches in treatment for this condition, it certainly behooves you to look into it and ASK. You lose nothing. I'm always skeptical of anything that's supposed to be a quick and forever fix, but you never ignore the possibility. It would be awesome if hypnotherapy could alleviate the feelings that provoke the behavior, now, wouldn't it? Just research and ask.

 

v. has wasted no words listing the essentials. I wouldn't skim past this one.

[merrmeade]

If there is anyone, who REALLY NEEDS A VACATION, it is you VBM

 

Waters cool.

Five months after d-day, I stashed BH at his sister's and went away. I didn't worry he'd get into trouble and didn't care, but I didn't relax, enjoy or change and thought about nothing else day and night. Nothing helped until IC. In VBM's case, I think he'd worry things could happen.

 

If they both go on vacation, it could be a rebonding and make new memories. It still postpones the inevitable.

[beatcuff]

VBM, i read entire threads before i respond. i have been following yours from the beginning and have made comment from time to time. to be honest by point 7 on your therapy meeting, I --- my eyes glazed over and i just saw a bunch of letters.

 

Drifter really has it correct. addicts are --- challenging. i am hopeful you do not 'lose' yourself trying to 'fix' her.

 

my only suggestion, and its weak, i think you need to move forward on two tracks: one in which you do the best you can to help your long-time companion/wife in her time of realization and (hopefully) recovery AND at the same time for you to realize that maybe this is just too much and move on.

 

i'd like to say good luck, but it just seems so empty.

[Seachan]

 

Drifter really has it correct. addicts are --- challenging. i am hopeful you do not 'lose' yourself trying to 'fix' her.

 

I would guess that addicts who have not done the work to understand their "why's" would be prone to repeat behavior. However, those like Mrs. VBM who is now facing that nightmare of her "why" have a chance. She will have to work hard to re-wire her responses to triggers and stress. But at least she will recognize the cause, and hopefully, correct the effect.

[66Charger]

Five months after d-day, I stashed BH at his sister's and went away. I didn't worry he'd get into trouble and didn't care, but I didn't relax, enjoy or change and thought about nothing else day and night. Nothing helped until IC. In VBM's case, I think he'd worry things could happen.

 

If they both go on vacation, it could be a rebonding and make new memories. It still postpones the inevitable.

 

So postpone it then. This man probably hasn't relaxed in a year.

 

Just say F it for awhile. Dont sit home and stew. Its way past VBM time.

[aliveagain]

In case no one has noticed, VBM's one year anniversary is coming up, his storybook life was turned upside down. The first anniversary is almost as bad as the original day of discovery, more sh*tty emotions to deal with.

[beach]

Respectfully asking:

 

VBM - what is your wife's plan to address her trauma and ensuing behavior? Is there a plan for her to sift through her past and to change her way of thinking and actions?

[VeryBrokenMan]

With respect, and I don't expect this to stay long...

 

Most of the people encouraging you, VBM, to basically ignore your WW's trauma are men who are still, um, working through their own stuff or have shut off their heart, along with people who have swallowed the very very extreme version of the behaviorism pill.

 

You MUST take care of yourself. You may not, in the end, be able to continue with the marriage.

 

But I believe that your willingness to take time, your honor in wanting to support your wife, who may well have "stolen" 31 years from you, but who had even more of that life stolen from HER starting at 11, is rare, manly, and wonderful.

 

I truly admire you.

 

I agree with your assessment but I wish I was half the man you give me credit for being. I just feel like this is bigger than just me and my needs at the moment and I need to fully support her at a time when she needs it. That does not mean I forgive her or that I think what she did was OK. Each days that passes I'm feeling like divorce is the best (or only) answer and I'm OK with that. But I'm not OK with destroying her in the process.

 

Thank you for your comments.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I asked about the VPN and she said she never used one and did not really understand it. She said she was freaked out when she was first contacted by the OM because she thought she was blocking everyone by location. He told her that the company he worked for provided his internet service and he connected to the corporate office in some other state via VPN. His said it was secure for the company that way and his IP always appeared to be from that other state and that is why he was able to see her on MFC.

[beach]

I asked about the VPN and she said she never used one and did not really understand it. She said she was freaked out when she was first contacted by the OM because she thought she was blocking everyone by location. He told her that the company he worked for provided his internet service and he connected to the corporate office in some other state via VPN. His said it was secure for the company that way and his IP always appeared to be from that other state and that is why he was able to see her on MFC.

 

Isn't it possible to copy any picture on the Internet and do a search on that picture? I think so... He may have taken a still photo of her face and searched her = and her face popped up as a match on a friend's Facebook page. That seems more likely to me. Seems kind of stalkerish of the OM if this is what happened.

[VeryBrokenMan]

If there is anyone, who REALLY NEEDS A VACATION, it is you VBM

 

Waters cool.

 

We usually take separate vacations and I had a couple of weeks planned for August but canceled plans last week. I honestly just don't feel like having fun right now.

[VeryBrokenMan]

By all means educate yourself VBM; just make sure you also look at the abysmal failure rate of this model of treatment.

 

 

Effective therapy for your W should include imo hypnotherapy that takes her back to the original rape(when the therapist believes she is strong enough to do that). Then they will help her process all the feelings that will come up that she never processed.

 

 

This will likely remove much of her desire to engage in the dysfunctional behaviors she has in the past. Reason being she will gradually be relieved of the feelings she has carried for so long.

 

 

Prior to that a good counselor will be helping her come up with healthy coping strategies to deal with whatever causes her on a day to day basis to want to act out dysfunctionally. There are likely things that trigger her desire to act out. Not the same as an addiction to alcohol or drugs which also has a physical and most believe genetic facet.

 

 

Your counselor can help you keep you sorted out whats yours to deal with and whats hers if you feel confused/conflicted about that.

 

 

They are similar but not the same. Borrow what makes sense. Sell your soul to any one therapy at your own peril.

 

 

No offense to ANY other poster here but you have given some of best and most unbiased advice here. I appreciate your input. Thank you.

[autumnnight]

I agree with your assessment but I wish I was half the man you give me credit for being. I just feel like this is bigger than just me and my needs at the moment and I need to fully support her at a time when she needs it. That does not mean I forgive her or that I think what she did was OK. Each days that passes I'm feeling like divorce is the best (or only) answer and I'm OK with that. But I'm not OK with destroying her in the process.

 

Thank you for your comments.

 

I hope my comments did not give you the idea that I think you are only a good man if you ride all this out right next to her. I don;t know if that is possible - this is huge, and you MUST take care of yourself.

 

I just admire that you do not dismiss her trauma and that you are willing to empathize with and have care for her despite her betrayal.

[VeryBrokenMan]

In case no one has noticed, VBM's one year anniversary is coming up, his storybook life was turned upside down. The first anniversary is almost as bad as the original day of discovery, more sh*tty emotions to deal with.

 

Believe me I've not overlooked that at all. We already hit the anniversary of the first time he contacted her, the first time they texted, the first conversation. There are more anniversaries coming and I'm just telling myself they are just dates. It's how you perceive the date that matters. Of course each date is a trigger for a bad memory but what else does it really mean? Maybe all it means is we've made it a year since that horrible event. Does it serve any purpose at all to dwell on it and make myself miserable? In my view it's not worth it.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Respectfully asking:

 

VBM - what is your wife's plan to address her trauma and ensuing behavior? Is there a plan for her to sift through her past and to change her way of thinking and actions?

 

We are seeing the new specialist and taking it from there.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Isn't it possible to copy any picture on the Internet and do a search on that picture? I think so... He may have taken a still photo of her face and searched her = and her face popped up as a match on a friend's Facebook page. That seems more likely to me. Seems kind of stalkerish of the OM if this is what happened.

 

That is an excellent point and I know that type search is entirely possible and even probable that is what he did. But he was also the husband of her friend and that is a fact also so who knows. Either way it was like winning the lottery finding someone that close to you that was a willing participant.