Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[bigman1]

And lest I be accused of somehow hating abuse victim's, let me say this as well. If she was a victim, he should support her healing from that. Married or not, victims of abuse could always use support from friends and family.

 

If she was not one, he should support her to find out why she would make such claims.

 

Support all the way around.

[velvette]

No offense to ANY other poster here but you have given some of best and most unbiased advice here. I appreciate your input. Thank you.

 

You're welcome VBM. Hope you are finding some peace or relief in the middle of all of this.

 

 

Unfortunately, I have almost the exact experience you are having with genders reversed and detail different.

 

 

Doesn't mean I have all the answers though, so as I said before take what works from others experiences as well. You have good instincts and will know what you need to do.

[velvette]

You know, while this thread is wandering, at times into claims that folks don't care about child abuse victims and assorted other nonsense, the simple fact is this, VBM never was leaving his wife and never is. It's his choice.

 

The truth of how the affair started and all facts thereto do not matter one bit to his decision. For some, the truth matters and determines if the relationship continues. For others, the relationship matters more. They've been together for 31 years. He's not going anywhere and facts don't really matter, and that is perfectly fine. Good for him.

 

I will say this, there is a principle called Occam's Razor. If one employs it here, what seems most probable is that this started out as a regular FB affair. Mrs. VBM is FB friends with OM's wife and that is how they met. Things took off from there. If cam shows happened, it was AFTER the relationship took an improper turn or as it was taking one. He knew where to find her online because she told him and that led to the excitement of the cam shows between them. Maybe she was camming already, but the affair started before cam shows, not because of them.

 

It does not matter to VBM, and that is absolutely his prerogative.

 

 

I agree this is probably true. The other explanations are way to coincidental.

 

 

As my formerly lying cheating wandering abused spouse likes to say "There is no such thing as coincidence".

 

 

In the scheme of things, not sure it matters much except to show that Mrs. VBM's cheating wasn't as accidental as she is claiming. No surprise.

 

 

VBM should steel himself that there will likely be more.......whether its about her abuse or her cheating. His wife has lived with a huge secret for decades, she wont be giving that up totally all in one shot imo. It started as a matter of survival in the mind of a child. The odds she has totally let that mindset go without therapy are slim to none imo.

 

 

As for whether or not, VBM was ever leaving, I don't agree. That may have been true before, but her recent disclosures are a game changer.

 

 

He does not know now whether his wife is capable of any kind of marriage resembling what he wants. That remains to be seen and he will decide when he decides in his own good time.

[66Charger]

His new post on other threads seem to tilt to divorce. He is back in the mix. He seems clearer and harder. I think he is closing this down.

 

Maybe the straw fell. And the back is broke. Regardless what the truth is, a man can only take so much.

 

She may have made a huge mistake in not disclosing this on her first DDay.

[autumnnight]

His new post on other threads seem to tilt to divorce. He is back in the mix. He seems clearer and harder. I think he is closing this down.

 

Maybe the straw fell. And the back is broke. Regardless what the truth is, a man can only take so much.

 

She may have made a huge mistake in not disclosing this on her first DDay.

 

I was going to post reasons rape victims don't always choose the optimal time to disclose....but it wouldn't really matter...

[eric1]

I agree this is probably true. The other explanations are way to coincidental.

 

 

As my formerly lying cheating wandering abused spouse likes to say "There is no such thing as coincidence".

 

 

In the scheme of things, not sure it matters much except to show that Mrs. VBM's cheating wasn't as accidental as she is claiming. No surprise.

 

 

VBM should steel himself that there will likely be more.......whether its about her abuse or her cheating. His wife has lived with a huge secret for decades, she wont be giving that up totally all in one shot imo. It started as a matter of survival in the mind of a child. The odds she has totally let that mindset go without therapy are slim to none imo.

 

 

As for whether or not, VBM was ever leaving, I don't agree. That may have been true before, but her recent disclosures are a game changer.

 

 

He does not know now whether his wife is capable of any kind of marriage resembling what he wants. That remains to be seen and he will decide when he decides in his own good time.

 

Well articulated and what I've been try to piece together.

 

It's my gut that she was keeping the abuse in her back pocket as the ultimate 'change the subject'.

 

VBM can obviously handle it how he likes but my big suggestion is to handle this as a completely different topic than her cheating on him and the meaning of the nude photo on her phone.

[understand50]

I was going to post reasons rape victims don't always choose the optimal time to disclose....but it wouldn't really matter...

 

No it would not

[Doublegold]

Curious about the 'children' mentioned early in the thread by the OP --albiet briefly. Are they grown and out of the home? Not affected by the revelation and ensuing days of no sleep, eating or barely functioning by Op and his wife after the big reveal? A solo vacation would go unnoticed?

[66Charger]

But I do understand what you were going to say Autumn.

 

Unfortunately, the clock only goes in one direction. Then it stops.

[beach]

Would it help you have your sanity while she goes through all this trauma to have a place of your own for a while?

 

I'm not suggesting leaving her, per se, just a separate place that you can use as a reprieve every few days... To clear your mind and have a place to rest your mind when things get tense and stressful.

 

In other words - be a solid support for her in her time of need - but still have a place for your own sanity when it's necessary.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You know, while this thread is wandering, at times into claims that folks don't care about child abuse victims and assorted other nonsense, the simple fact is this, VBM never was leaving his wife and never is. It's his choice.

 

The truth of how the affair started and all facts thereto do not matter one bit to his decision. For some, the truth matters and determines if the relationship continues. For others, the relationship matters more. They've been together for 31 years. He's not going anywhere and facts don't really matter, and that is perfectly fine. Good for him.

 

I will say this, there is a principle called Occam's Razor. If one employs it here, what seems most probable is that this started out as a regular FB affair. Mrs. VBM is FB friends with OM's wife and that is how they met. Things took off from there. If cam shows happened, it was AFTER the relationship took an improper turn or as it was taking one. He knew where to find her online because she told him and that led to the excitement of the cam shows between them. Maybe she was camming already, but the affair started before cam shows, not because of them.

 

It does not matter to VBM, and that is absolutely his prerogative.

 

The cam shows with HIM was after the affair started. She talked with him or picked him for a private show prior and this was confirmed by polygraph for what it's worth. When he contacted her that was the first she knew her cover was busted on MFC.

[VeryBrokenMan]

This still doesn't "fit" to me. If she was doing this because she was raped, wouldn't this been used as a tool when it appeared that VBM was teetering on leaving her? I understand that some things take time to come out, but it just doesn't feel right to me, the timing is off.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible, it sure have could come up in therapy sand her and her IC were hashing and rehashing it. What I'm saying is that it doesn't really fit a pattern.

 

What I'm getting at is something happened. I think VBM still needs to dig into the nude picture on her phone. We're talking Scientific Method now - enter into a clean room and introduce variables. The nude picture is logically the only material variable to have been modified for some months (unless it was something we're ot privy to, again like a conversation or something)

 

She told me and it was confirmed by her IC that they had been working on telling me for the past few months. The latest nude pic was just a relapse, it was the only one and it was sent to no one.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You bring up some good points.

 

VBM, it might help you to attend CODA or alanon.

 

This was recommended by both IC's and I'm considering it.

[VeryBrokenMan]

His new post on other threads seem to tilt to divorce. He is back in the mix. He seems clearer and harder. I think he is closing this down.

 

Maybe the straw fell. And the back is broke. Regardless what the truth is, a man can only take so much.

 

She may have made a huge mistake in not disclosing this on her first DDay.

 

The latest "news" may very well be the last straw. I'm just giving myself some time to digest it and to see how things unfold.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Curious about the 'children' mentioned early in the thread by the OP --albiet briefly. Are they grown and out of the home? Not affected by the revelation and ensuing days of no sleep, eating or barely functioning by Op and his wife after the big reveal? A solo vacation would go unnoticed?

 

Children are all in their twenties and self sufficient both financially and emotionally. They are well aware of our separate vacations. A few have been "boys" trips with the sons and girls trips for her with the daughters. Usually she heads off on hers at the same time mine is scheduled, only a couple of times has one or the other been left at home and that was due to last minute changes.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Would it help you have your sanity while she goes through all this trauma to have a place of your own for a while?

 

I'm not suggesting leaving her, per se, just a separate place that you can use as a reprieve every few days... To clear your mind and have a place to rest your mind when things get tense and stressful.

 

In other words - be a solid support for her in her time of need - but still have a place for your own sanity when it's necessary.

 

I've been thinking quite a bit about a separation. Things are not really tense, stressful or really bad at all, we have been OK in that regard for several months.

[understand50]

She told me and it was confirmed by her IC that they had been working on telling me for the past few months. The latest nude pic was just a relapse, it was the only one and it was sent to no one.

 

Good, this shows that she did know she had to come clean with you on everything and the Nude picture was the catalyst that brought this about. IC for her, has really helped, and in the end maybe the thing that lets her heal from all this.

 

As for how she met the OM, I think that is stetted, unless more information comes about. Short of putting her on the rack, I do not see how, you are going to get more information then what you have now. I would also point out, that you have more information then most BS, in this situation.

 

Anyway, glad you posted, keep strong, and hope things go your way.

[understand50]

I've been thinking quite a bit about a separation. Things are not really tense, stressful or really bad at all, we have been OK in that regard for several months.

 

VBM,

 

For my two cents worth, you do not seem like the type of man that would need space, you have always struck me as someone who faces any issue head on with cool deliberation. I do not know if separation would work for you. Would take you away from where the "action" is. Of course, this is my observation, so please disregard if unwelcome.

[bigman1]

The cam shows with HIM was after the affair started. She talked with him or picked him for a private show prior and this was confirmed by polygraph for what it's worth. When he contacted her that was the first she knew her cover was busted on MFC.

 

At this point in the process, it does not really matter. I doubt that is the truth and I doubt the polygraph results and I doubt a whole lot. Still, it is a moot point, so I will move onward. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Good luck to you.

[Rainbowlove]

I've been thinking quite a bit about a separation. Things are not really tense, stressful or really bad at all, we have been OK in that regard for several months.

 

What stops you from separation? What's the biggest fear in it?

 

At the end of the day, you have to take care of you. If you are not in good, emotional healthy space, you are not good for anyone - not even your wife.

 

If you take space and separate, are you taking care of you?

 

Please pay attention to how you feel...think later, if that makes sense.

 

You come first and it's okay to put you first.

 

RL

[Morro72]

She told me and it was confirmed by her IC that they had been working on telling me for the past few months. The latest nude pic was just a relapse, it was the only one and it was sent to no one.

It would be reasonable to be at least a little skeptical that there was only one and that you just happened to see it. Unless you have some specific evidence to the contrary, it seems more likely that there were a bunch and this one was inadvertently skipped when the rest of them were deleted. Taking one picture is like eating one potato chip. The # of pictures doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things, but the lie, if it is that, does.

[Cephalopod]

Don't do separation. All separation is going to do is give her free reign to cheat.

 

If you want to split then split. File for divorce and be done with it.

[Morro72]

She told me and it was confirmed by her IC that they had been working on telling me for the past few months.. .

Do you know enough about when they started "working on telling you" to correlate this with things she was saying to you or doing with you?

[autumnnight]

VBM, as a child rape survivor, there is just no way I can keep posting on your thread (not because of you), but I want you to know you are in my prayers.

[Spectre]

Actually, having been in VMB's shoes, the opposite is true. When you are face to face with someone you love telling you this story, you instantly see the reality of almost everything that has gone on in your M.

 

You say he saw the reality but...this NINETY NINE page thread seems to say otherwise I fear.

 

What you need to do about that is a process that cannot be worked out overnight. I understand why you would think the way you do, but unless you have been there, it is almost impossible to understand.

 

Again though, we are in a 99 page thread, nobody expects him to work it out over night. It has been 9 months.

 

As for throwing away 31 years, again this is not true. Everything good they shared is still good. His wife was not broken 24/7 in all regards for 31 years. She has good parts and strong parts and what he knows now does not change that.

 

But no..it is very true. Everything is now tainted because all the "good" you spoke of..apparently wasn't that good to her, since it didn't prevent her from cheating. So yes, she flushed this down the drain. If she was raped as a child even then..that is NO excuse and not a valid reason to stay with her.

 

So to say she didn't throw all that away is strange. Nobody is saying their past has been erased from existence, but apparently all those years were not important enough or good enough to keep her from doing this. It's simple not to cheat in times when you are happy, the true test of love is remaining faithful during the bad times. A test she failed spectacularly.

 

It may not be good enough to stay married to her, but that is something VBM will have to work out for himself and it will likely be a process that is his alone.

 

Again: 99 friggin pages. This thread is from last November.

 

He seems like an apologist and enabler because he knew in his gut he was missing a puzzle piece. He has that missing puzzle piece now and its up to him and his W if they take that piece and complete the puzzle picture of a happy M or call it a day and D.

 

No he seems like an apologist because he has not kicked her lying, cheating self to the curb. All the stuff you said would be valid if this was a 9 day old thread and not a 9 *month* old thread.

 

The sad truth is he seems more concerned about *her* mental health then his own. He acts in a manner that one might expect from a cheating spouse, not from the person who got betrayed. In that it seems to be all about her...and her problems, the bad things that happened to HER when she was young, etc.

 

I say: recommend this woman a good therapist and divorce her. If she already has a therapist? Okay, just leave her and be done with it. If she needed this man so badly in her life she wouldn't of betrayed him so badly.

Edited August 1, 2015 by Spectre