Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[aliveagain]

She told me and it was confirmed by her IC that they had been working on telling me for the past few months. The latest nude pic was just a relapse, it was the only one and it was sent to no one.

 

 

All this time you thought you were in reconciliation yet you only knew some of the truth, they both knew the truth. They knew about the third affair with a woman, they knew about her stripping in a live stage show in Vegas, they knew about her years of cam shows and the truth about how she and other man really met, they hid that from you. You were in false reconciliation and you were the only one that didn't know that minor fact.

 

 

You have enough information to decide your future. Absolutely help your wife deal with her FOO issues, she is the mother of your children and you still need to parent together. My personal opinion is that this marriage with all it's deception and infidelities needs to end because you will never find a way to balance the damages she has caused it. Marry her again if like, when your both whole enough to do so. Just my opinion.

[drifter777]

You say he saw the reality but...this NINETY NINE page thread seems to say otherwise I fear.

 

 

 

Again though, we are in a 99 page thread, nobody expects him to work it out over night. It has been 9 months.

 

 

 

But no..it is very true. Everything is now tainted because all the "good" you spoke of..apparently wasn't that good to her, since it didn't prevent her from cheating. So yes, she flushed this down the drain. If she was raped as a child even then..that is NO excuse and not a valid reason to stay with her.

 

So to say she didn't throw all that away is strange. Nobody is saying their past has been erased from existence, but apparently all those years were not important enough or good enough to keep her from doing this. It's simple not to cheat in times when you are happy, the true test of love is remaining faithful during the bad times. A test she failed spectacularly.

 

 

 

Again: 99 friggin pages. This thread is from last November.

 

 

 

No he seems like an apologist because he has not kicked her lying, cheating self to the curb. All the stuff you said would be valid if this was a 9 day old thread and not a 9 *month* old thread.

 

The sad truth is he seems more concerned about *her* mental health then his own. He acts in a manner that one might expect from a cheating spouse, not from the person who got betrayed. In that it seems to be all about her...and her problems, the bad things that happened to HER when she was young, etc.

 

I say: recommend this woman a good therapist and divorce her. If she already has a therapist? Okay, just leave her and be done with it. If she needed this man so badly in her life she wouldn't of betrayed him so badly.

 

You are describing codependency. VBM needs counseling and a "Exhibitionists Anonymous" partner support group. His best chance at understanding her illness and making the best decisions lie with treatment - for him. He cannot manage HER addiction. His "support" is often just enabling and he can't know the difference without help.

[velvette]

You say he saw the reality but...this NINETY NINE page thread seems to say otherwise I fear.

 

 

 

Again though, we are in a 99 page thread, nobody expects him to work it out over night. It has been 9 months.

 

 

 

But no..it is very true. Everything is now tainted because all the "good" you spoke of..apparently wasn't that good to her, since it didn't prevent her from cheating. So yes, she flushed this down the drain. If she was raped as a child even then..that is NO excuse and not a valid reason to stay with her.

 

So to say she didn't throw all that away is strange. Nobody is saying their past has been erased from existence, but apparently all those years were not important enough or good enough to keep her from doing this. It's simple not to cheat in times when you are happy, the true test of love is remaining faithful during the bad times. A test she failed spectacularly.

 

 

 

Again: 99 friggin pages. This thread is from last November.

 

 

 

No he seems like an apologist because he has not kicked her lying, cheating self to the curb. All the stuff you said would be valid if this was a 9 day old thread and not a 9 *month* old thread.

 

The sad truth is he seems more concerned about *her* mental health then his own. He acts in a manner that one might expect from a cheating spouse, not from the person who got betrayed. In that it seems to be all about her...and her problems, the bad things that happened to HER when she was young, etc.

 

I say: recommend this woman a good therapist and divorce her. If she already has a therapist? Okay, just leave her and be done with it. If she needed this man so badly in her life she wouldn't of betrayed him so badly.

 

 

All I can say is in the same circumstances, I saw the reality of my M and all the things that had not made sense until my H disclosed that he was raped as a child. If you haven't had that experience, I can understand why you think the way you do. For the previous 99 pages of this thread, VBM was not working with that info. It does change things. How for VBM remains to be seen and is up to him and his W.

 

 

Maybe all the good would be tainted for you, it wasn't for me. VBM is the only one who can speak to that in his situation. There is no perfection in this world. People have weaknesses, flaws, etc. Tainted in this situation is not a real fact like it would be say for spoiled food, its a value judgement and as such will vary from person to person. He has seen her best, hopefully he has seen her worst. What remains to be seen is who she will be with therapy. I really liked and loved my H even more once he got to the root of his issues. I hope the same will be true for VBM.

[velvette]

You are describing codependency. VBM needs counseling and a "Exhibitionists Anonymous" partner support group. His best chance at understanding her illness and making the best decisions lie with treatment - for him. He cannot manage HER addiction. His "support" is often just enabling and he can't know the difference without help.

 

 

True if you view this as an addiction.

 

 

My belief is there is quite a bit of difference between what I see as a compulsion and an addiction that has a physical component like drugs or alcohol.

 

 

First, as I have said, bringing her abuse into the light of day and dealing with the related emotions, primarily shame, may either greatly reduce the compulsive behavior or make it go away entirely.

 

 

I would suggest to VMB that he look at boundaries(yes I know that's a part of codependency).

 

 

His wife's boundaries were shattered by what happened to her. And, at a time, pre-adolescence when she should have been forging ahead to a final separation from parents to her own unique person.

 

 

VBM, look at where your wife's boundaries have been inappropriate in your M/family and where you may have been sucked into inappropriate boundary issues yourself. There is probably a history of your W violating your or your children's boundaries. Some subtle and some overt.

 

 

Going forward be clear on stating/enforcing your own boundaries.

[drifter777]

I don't want to get in to a big deal over compulsion vs addiction. For me the key element of an addiction is that it is progressive. It starts out with flashing your boobs and progresses to stripping to sexting to cam girl to adulterer. There is also the enabling behavior by loved ones because the new behavior is so out of character and they are sure the addict will "get over it" with help and understanding. A compulsion would have likely started soon after puberty and the exhibitionism and promiscuity would have been present since then. It would have been nearly impossible to hide from VBM and kids for 30+ years.

[drifter777]

Let me add that people can learn to function very well when they remain abstinent from their "thing" (booze, food, gambling, etc.). Treating compulsion pretty much means drug therapy.

 

Compulsions are also characterized by repetitive, ritualistic behavior. This doesn't seem to fit at all with VBM's WW.

Edited August 2, 2015 by drifter777

[beach]

I'm glad your wife has asked for help.

 

For her, it's ideal that you support her, and I understand that you want to.

 

But...

 

It's important to get specifics on what her help will look like... And what your supportive role is expected to look like.

 

 

I understand you may not know that info yet - but when do they reveal her recovery plan to you? You need their info to make a healthy decision for yourself about what your supportive role is supposed to look like.

 

Then it's up to you to decide how you plan to participate in it all moving forward. It's important not to lose track of your own wants and needs while she changes things for herself.

[velvette]

I don't want to get in to a big deal over compulsion vs addiction. For me the key element of an addiction is that it is progressive. It starts out with flashing your boobs and progresses to stripping to sexting to cam girl to adulterer. There is also the enabling behavior by loved ones because the new behavior is so out of character and they are sure the addict will "get over it" with help and understanding. A compulsion would have likely started soon after puberty and the exhibitionism and promiscuity would have been present since then. It would have been nearly impossible to hide from VBM and kids for 30+ years.

 

It clearly started when she was raped(ok theres a small outside chance she had this fetish prior and the rape exacerbated but I doubt that).

 

 

Heal the trauma surrounding the rape and the need(compulsion) to self medicate the shame associated with the rape through exhibition will likely disappear or diminish to something manageable through behavior therapy and or incorporation into a healthy sex life.

[velvette]

Let me add that people can learn to function very well when they remain abstinent from their "thing" (booze, food, gambling, etc.). Treating compulsion pretty much means drug therapy.

 

Compulsions are also characterized by repetitive, ritualistic behavior. This doesn't seem to fit at all with VBM's WW.

 

 

I think you are confusing Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder with compulsive behavior which doesn't necessarily involve ritual or respond to drugs.

 

 

OCD is believed by some to have a genetic component.

 

 

Food addiction imo is a perfect example of why using the addiction model for every bad behavior people is exhibit is flawed. You cant abstain from food.

 

 

We could debate all day, but the bottom line is the professionals themselves do not know or agree. The American Psychiatric Assoc. for example as well as others do not acknowledge sexual addiction as a "thing".

 

 

It hit the landscape as a "thing" in the 1970's. Promoted by alcoholics who were also serial cheaters and basically promoting 12 step programs they were using for alcoholism for what they called their sex addiction.

 

 

That alone was enough for me to think twice about buying into it, because the 12 step model is notorious for its failure rate.

 

 

So, I will say again to VBM be careful what you hitch your wagon to when it comes to treatment. The treatment should include resolution of the original trauma and cognitive/behavioral therapy that provides tools to manage present day thoughts/emotions related.

[m.snow]

VBM from what you said there are no more kids in the house. They're all adults now! so is it just you the Mis in the den?

 

VBM how young are you and WW?

 

possible empty nester-syndrome there?

could be compound case there to add to psychiatric traumas.

so you got;

-PTSD - from rape

-Sexual Exhibitionism

-Sexual Masochism

-Hyper Sexual-ism

may be its time to pull-out that for better or for worse card. a lot of psychiatric sexual disorders there.

 

VBM you can look at the situation in a different way though

-what is the frequency of sex with the mis?

-what did shrink say about feeding her unique sexual-ism?

 

you know this could be very fun for you if you look at it in another way.

Edited August 2, 2015 by m.snow

[Spectre]

All I can say is in the same circumstances, I saw the reality of my M and all the things that had not made sense until my H disclosed that he was raped as a child. If you haven't had that experience, I can understand why you think the way you do. For the previous 99 pages of this thread, VBM was not working with that info. It does change things. How for VBM remains to be seen and is up to him and his W.

 

 

Maybe all the good would be tainted for you, it wasn't for me. VBM is the only one who can speak to that in his situation. There is no perfection in this world. People have weaknesses, flaws, etc. Tainted in this situation is not a real fact like it would be say for spoiled food, its a value judgement and as such will vary from person to person. He has seen her best, hopefully he has seen her worst. What remains to be seen is who she will be with therapy. I really liked and loved my H even more once he got to the root of his issues. I hope the same will be true for VBM.

 

If you want to say it wouldn't be tainted for you..fine. But with 31 years of history that couldn't prevent this from happening..that just craps all over all the good times.

 

See because it is irrelevant how people act when happy, it is super easy to not bang other dudes when happy. The true test comes when you aren't happy and are dealing with things. That is when you separate the men from the boys(though this is a woman, but you get what I mean).

 

You also use an utter cop out. People do have weaknesses and flaws, but there are lines you just do not cross, I do not care what happened to you in your younger days, it doesn't give you the right to cheat. Why is it with cheating more then anything people always bring out the "people aren't perfect" routine. Nobody is asking for perfection, what they are asking for is a MODICUM of respect. This mans wife could not even give him that.

 

This is not going to end well. Oh, it will end well for her because now it's almost like she has suddenly become the victim here. Her incidents in her youth have apparently taken center stage, it has become all about *her*.

 

So I admit this lady is good, she is the cheater..the betrayer, and managed to paint herself as somewhat of a victim here as well. That is some Grade A manipulation she pulled off, all on the guy she is supposed to love and was never supposed to betray in the first place.

Edited August 3, 2015 by Spectre

[autumnnight]

If you want to say it wouldn't be tainted for you..fine. But with 31 years of history that couldn't prevent this from happening..that just craps all over all the good times.

 

See because it is irrelevant how people act when happy, it is super easy to not bang other dudes when happy. The true test comes when you aren't happy and are dealing with things. That is when you separate the men from the boys(though this is a woman, but you get what I mean).

 

You also use an utter cop out. People do have weaknesses and flaws, but there are lines you just do not cross, I do not care what happened to you in your younger days, it doesn't give you the right to cheat. Why is it with cheating more then anything people always bring out the "people aren't perfect" routine. Nobody is asking for perfection, what they are asking for is a MODICUM of respect. This mans wife could not even give him that.

 

This is not going to end well. Oh, it will end well for her because now it's almost like she has suddenly become the victim here. Her incidents in her youth have apparently taken center stage, it has become all about *her*.

 

So I admit this lady is good, she is the cheater..the betrayer, and managed to paint herself as somewhat of a victim here as well. That is some Grade A manipulation she pulled off, all on the guy she is supposed to love and was never supposed to betray in the first place.

 

I hope you don't have a daughter. And if you do, I pray she never gets raped. My mind is officially blown. There is NO excuse for cheating, but your lack of compassion is legendary.

[minimariah]

You also use an utter cop out. People do have weaknesses and flaws, but there are lines you just do not cross, I do not care what happened to you in your younger days, it doesn't give you the right to cheat.

 

being raped and abused isn't an excuse and doesn't give ANYONE that right to cheat -- it does, however, explain the problematic behavior.

 

no one really used that abuse to justify or make the cheating right - not even VBM's wife.

 

Oh, it will end well for her because now it's almost like she has suddenly become the victim here.

 

she is the victim of her child abuse, indeed.

 

you don't consider her a victim because you think she made the abuse up or because you think being cheated on is worse than being raped & abused when a kid?

 

Her incidents in her youth have apparently taken center stage, it has become all about *her*.

 

what incidents are you talking about...?

 

because being raped and abused aren't "her incidents", so i'm confused.

[eric1]

being raped and abused isn't an excuse and doesn't give ANYONE that right to cheat -- it does, however, explain the problematic behavior.

 

no one really used that abuse to justify or make the cheating right - not even VBM's wife.

 

 

 

she is the victim of her child abuse, indeed.

 

you don't consider her a victim because you think she made the abuse up or because you think being cheated on is worse than being raped & abused when a kid?

 

 

 

what incidents are you talking about...?

 

because being raped and abused aren't "her incidents", so i'm confused.

 

 

I look at it much more simply

 

1. WW had something horrible happen to her as a kid. She is a victim

2. WW did something horrible to VBM completely independent of #1. VBM is a victim

3. It's important to keep the two seperate. VBM can help her heal but also decide that her completely conscious betrayal of him (and continued trickle truth) is probably more than the marriage can bear. Or he can decide to stay together. Her betrayal is one of the worst that I've heard, and he's still with her.

[TX-SC]

Having never been raped, or molested in any way, I cannot put myself in her shoes. I do have a teenage daughter, a pre-teen daughter, and a wife. If that ever happened to them, I would be devastated. However...

 

I have a hard time understanding how that type of trauma is used as a excuse for cheating? Logically, a person would assume a victim of abuse would take comfort in having a loving, caring spouse to rely on. Taking another guy's dick into you and destroying your marriage seems opposite of what I would suspect. How does this translate to cheating for an abuse victim and should that abuse really even be considered in R?

 

In this instance the BS is giving too much credit to his wife. She even said she wasn't remorseful of the affair, only that she got caught. I believe she should seek an IC, but she should do so as a single person. He should divorce her as soon as possible. She simply does not deserve another chance and he may not know it now, but he will be happier later if he does this sooner rather than later, after she cheats again.

[Janesays]

I hope you don't have a daughter. And if you do, I pray she never gets raped. My mind is officially blown. There is NO excuse for cheating, but your lack of compassion is legendary.

 

I thought you were leaving the thread? Honestly, for your mental health, I hope you do.

[autumnnight]

I thought you were leaving the thread? Honestly, for your mental health, I hope you do.

 

Hey, how are ya? Long time no talk

 

Nothing excuses cheating. However, emotionally intelligent people can be against cheating while still having compassion for a rape victim.

[understand50]

Hey, how are ya? Long time no talk

 

Nothing excuses cheating. However, emotionally intelligent people can be against cheating while still having compassion for a rape victim.

 

All,

 

I think this gets to the hart of the matter. If you have read what VBM has posted, at no time has Ann, stated that her past rape and other mental issues, are a excuse for her cheating. VBM has made this clear. What her past does give, is some idea of why this happened. How she found herself in the position of cheating. In the end she takes full responsibility for it.

 

So why are we still harping on this?

 

If you do not believe that someone can get caught up in their behaviors that that violate their morals, and hurt the people they love, then there is no reasoning with you. Why have AA, for try and rehabilitate from - Anything.

 

What we know of, is that Ann has done everything VBM has asked for, and that via the experience of her going to IC, has decide to let him in on everything. We can argue if she is still holding out, but I do not think the IC would let her do that in meeting. She had taken a polygraph, and we can also state that this is meaningless, but it is up to VBM to decide what weight to give it. Should she has told everything on D-day? In a perfect world yes, but I do not think she was mentally capable of doing so.

 

What is upsetting some here is the idea that the rape should not be discussed, that it was nothing, Ann suffered no pain and that the cheating was not connected at all. The rape is not excuse for the cheating, but what it is, is window of WHY this happened. Why she and VBM are at this point in their life. She has some real deep issues. She has asked that the man she loves help her trough this. VBM has agreed to do this. This shows his character and compassion for the mother of his children and his wife. What happens after this, is up to both of them, but I hope for the best.

 

If we no longer believe in redemption of a WS, and that the BS cannot offer forgiveness in any situation, for any reason, then Divorce is the only answer. I reject this totally. There are WS that should be dumped and fast, but I think that there are marriages and relationships that can be saved. I am better for forgiving my G/F, now wife, her ONS, and later her finical infidelity.

 

I was once told by a professor of economics that you can never argue with why someone finds value in a object and then buys it. It is a wholly personal thing. Love is also personal. Why, I love my wife, why I forgave her is known only to me, I cannot explain it.

 

I wish them both the best during all of this.

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM, as a child rape survivor, there is just no way I can keep posting on your thread (not because of you), but I want you to know you are in my prayers.

 

I hope you do stick around because surely we will give up beating the dead horse soon.

 

Maybe if I make things clearer we can get past this rape thing? Fact: My wife was raped as a child. Fact: She has not used it as an excuse for cheating. Fact: Her IC and her new psychiatrist called this a mental illness and said she needs help. Fact: none of it excuses the cheating and she has not made a single remark that says it did. Fact: she asked for my help in getting whole again and that is what she will get.

 

Autumnnight: thank you for your advise and support if you decide to leave I understand but this focus on the rape has to pass or I might be right behind you.

[minimariah]

3. It's important to keep the two seperate. VBM can help her heal but also decide that her completely conscious betrayal of him (and continued trickle truth) is probably more than the marriage can bear. Or he can decide to stay together. Her betrayal is one of the worst that I've heard, and he's still with her.

 

absolutely.

 

VBM can decide not to deal with it and part ways with the W. he doesn't need to stay married to her in order to try & help her win against her demons. he can do that while divorcing her - as a friend, too.

 

it's up to VBM to decide if it's worth it or not.

[qubist]

I hope you do stick around because surely we will give up beating the dead horse soon.

 

Maybe if I make things clearer we can get past this rape thing? Fact: My wife was raped as a child. Fact: She has not used it as an excuse for cheating. Fact: Her IC and her new psychiatrist called this a mental illness and said she needs help. Fact: none of it excuses the cheating and she has not made a single remark that says it did. Fact: she asked for my help in getting whole again and that is what she will get.

 

Autumnnight: thank you for your advise and support if you decide to leave I understand but this focus on the rape has to pass or I might be right behind you.

VBM, another fact: you are a great man. I can tell you that you are a role model when it comes to patience. I didn't have that and had to work hard to become more understanding of others. I really wish you good luck. I'm pretty sure you won't rush to any decision and I know you will make the right one

[VeryBrokenMan]

It would be reasonable to be at least a little skeptical that there was only one and that you just happened to see it. Unless you have some specific evidence to the contrary, it seems more likely that there were a bunch and this one was inadvertently skipped when the rest of them were deleted. Taking one picture is like eating one potato chip. The # of pictures doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things, but the lie, if it is that, does.

 

She said that was the only one and that was backed up by the Polygraph for what it's worth.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I got more sleep over the weekend than I did the previous week combined and I think I'm thinking much more clearly.

 

My current thoughts are the new revelations do nothing to change my thinking. That is because there was nothing of note in the new revelations as far as the affair goes. There is no other man, no contact with the OM, no previous affairs. The only thing that is new is her opening up and letting me into her thinking and soul for the first time ever. It allows me to understand her so much more now than I did a week ago. The meeting with the IC was not a "I'm a rape victim and that is why I cheated". This was a "I'm a child rape victim, I was horribly scared by it, I have a problem that I'm working on and I need your help" meeting.

 

The "rape" part of this has nothing to do with the affair. It does have to do with the nude pictures and the cam shows and the seeking of attention but really when it comes down to it she could have done ALL that without having an affair. So it does come down to a choice to cheat and that is what I need to keep in mind.

[drifter777]

VBM: I get everything you are saying. The exhibitionism can be a source of confusion and more hurt but it sounds like you understand this or at least acknowledge it.

 

My advice can only come from the context of my experiences. We are about the same age so when I advise you to end your marriage it is all about what I would do now that I've gained the wisdom only time can provide. My wife cheated a long time ago & I rug-swept it. My father, brother, wife and all 3 kids have struggled with addiction. I know the long painful road you are headed down and wish you could avoid it. I didn't - couldn't - and I think you'll do the same. I hope you can set some boundaries for yourself and find the courage to follow them. Good luck.

[qubist]

I got more sleep over the weekend than I did the previous week combined and I think I'm thinking much more clearly.

 

My current thoughts are the new revelations do nothing to change my thinking. That is because there was nothing of note in the new revelations as far as the affair goes. There is no other man, no contact with the OM, no previous affairs. The only thing that is new is her opening up and letting me into her thinking and soul for the first time ever. It allows me to understand her so much more now than I did a week ago. The meeting with the IC was not a "I'm a rape victim and that is why I cheated". This was a "I'm a child rape victim, I was horribly scared by it, I have a problem that I'm working on and I need your help" meeting.

 

The "rape" part of this has nothing to do with the affair. It does have to do with the nude pictures and the cam shows and the seeking of attention but really when it comes down to it she could have done ALL that without having an affair. So it does come down to a choice to cheat and that is what I need to keep in mind.

While I tespect you and your opinion but allow me to disagree with you, I really believe that rape had something to do with the A, maybe not directly but it eventually did affect her, things between then started due to her mental issues then escalated to an A,