Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[qubist]

That is exactly right. Had I listened to many here right after dday I would be divorced right now and kicking myself for not attempting to rebuild. Hell I admit that it may not work out but at least I know I've given it my best effort and I can walk away proud of who I am. I don't have to wear any shame at all in any of this. I did the right thing.

 

There are no right answers when somebody you love cheats on you. There is no escaping the pain, it will still be there if you divorce and it will be there if you stay. My IC told me I think in our first meeting don't divorce because of the affair, divorce if it's not the marriage you want a year from now. When we are not talking about the affair/etc it IS the marriage I want and she is the woman I want to be with. I'm working hard to find forgiveness and to give time a chance to heal me. Why would I toss what I have away to be alone or to be with another women who more than likely would have more baggage than we do? As far as I know there are very few 50 year old women that have never been divorced or broken in some manner. Many have been abused by husbands or cheated on. Why would I trade a known for an unknown?

 

I think it comes down to ego for a lot of you guys(both men and women). Your ego will not allow you to forgive someone that did you wrong. I've got a news flash, it's not about you. An affair is about a WS's brokenness not something that is broken or wrong with the BS. A WS has lost something in themselves that needs to be fixed. So why is your(the BS) ego taking a hit? Ask yourself that. I think it comes down to your self esteem. I happen to think I'm a kick ass husband, successful, very fit, not ugly, and I could have any number of woman. I choose who I want to be with and on what terms. Anyone can make that choice. I chose to be happy and anyone can make that choice as well. I choose to be with her and any BH can make that choice for their WW if there ego will let them. Some just can't take the hit.

 

Life is short. Life is not fair. There are no perfect wives or husbands. Relationships are fragile. Wives cheat. Husbands cheat. We all die. Those are some of the rules we live by and we don't get to change them we just have to deal with the consequences. Set your minimum expectations for your spouse for reconciliation, hold them to it and move forward as you work on yourself. It's not rocket science.

 

I don't plan on being here a year from now. I will either be happily married or happily divorced. The key word there is happy. Everyone here can make that same choice. I hope everyone here will make that same choice.

VBM, You are at a way better position to see and advise than most of us here I really admire your patience and your logic. I wish you the best. please understand that for most people not just here in this forum but in life in general infidelity is the ultimate red line once crossed there will be no going back, that's what explained some of the posts here

Good luck my friend

[VeryBrokenMan]

I guess the point is this: If he had all of the texts and emails, how is it possible that not a single text or email referenced cam shows? Sure, they may have communicated on the cam site, but there had to be some planning and set up after that. Remember, the whole fantasy component. Not once in a single text or email for 77 days did they mention the cam shows? Not once did they not discuss the humiliation component? Not once in 77 days of emails and texts, of which he has every single one, nothing was said about this whole mess?

 

They communicated via Facebook and the cam site most of the time and I do not have any of those texts. Most of the chit-chat via text was mundane with "I love you" and "I miss you" thrown in. No planning of any type.

[drifter777]

It was a high end strip club (if there ever was one) and it was just topless. A couple of the other wives did it was well. It was fun for everybody and no big deal. We all agree (me, her, her IC) that was the start of when she realized that exposing herself gave her some type of relief from the CSA. The IC explained it's a way to take back the power and it's common in many CSA victims.

But you said she went back on her own and stripped. Then she made friends with one of the other strippers and had sex with her. So I doubt it was just "good fun" showing off her boobies and I'm sure none of the other wives were even there since no one knew about it.

[velvette]

All that sounds plausible and believe me when I've gone over it time and time again in my head. I cannot see any reason for her to be lying about how it started at this point. It makes no sense for her to be lying about anything. She has given me all of the details on dday just not how it started or why. Why would she spin all this now? It's been 10 months, we are relatively happy, there is little reason to keep lying. For that reason alone it's bound to be the truth. The only reason it came up is because she is dealing with the CSA with her IC and is trying to stop the behavior that got her into trouble. I think it took her 10 months to come to terms with the CSA and the IC sort of confirmed that. They have been talking about telling me for months and I doubt the IC would be in on a lie.

 

 

On the side for it being the truth, she had little choice but to tell you about the CSA and cam stuff because you found the pic on her phone. Plus I'm sure the therapist encouraged her to. She had no cards left to play.

 

 

The only reason imo she would lie is to protect herself from your wrath and any consequence that might result. Perhaps you gave her reason to believe it would be worse if you believed she initiated the A or she just thinks this based on knowing you.

 

 

I also think on her side for the truth, is its a pretty fantastical story. Normally, that's a sign of a liar to me..........as in the case of the problem employee whose excuses for being tardy/sick/absences just keep getting more and more convoluted and the longer they talk the more you know they are lying. But, the one thing I noticed about my H lies when he was cheating is he kept them as simple as possible(with the lies of omission being the first choice!) so as not to get tripped up.

 

 

I'm at a limit on how this happened. I don't think the story is true, but like I said OM may be the one lying and not your W.

 

 

All that said.......gently.....there may be more lies. Lying is a habit as much as anything.........not always shed easily.

[drifter777]

VBM - I'm glad you are finding peace with all of this and looking at it from almost a 3rd person point of view. I could never do this - I can't even do it now after decades.

 

One thing I never can understand is when you, or anyone, starts up the old "the affair wasn't about you" - somehow thinking this can comfort a BS. To me the affair is all about the BS. The cheater thought about the relationship they have with the BS and decided they wanted "better". An intentional stab in the back, spit in the face, fu*k you to their spouse. They may have other reasons for cheating but the fundamental one is all about their BS.

[bigman1]

I could not help it. Drifter, you hit the nail on the head. Stay, go, stay and go, do whatever. I have a Bull Crap meter that goes off loudly when stuff does not add up, is contradictory, is untrue, and improbable. I agree with @Velvette when she said,

All that said.......gently.....there may be more lies. Lying is a habit as much as anything.........not always shed easily.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeryBrokenMan View Post

It was a high end strip club (if there ever was one) and it was just topless. A couple of the other wives did it was well. It was fun for everybody and no big deal. We all agree (me, her, her IC) that was the start of when she realized that exposing herself gave her some type of relief from the CSA. The IC explained it's a way to take back the power and it's common in many CSA victims.

 

Drifter said:

But you said she went back on her own and stripped. Then she made friends with one of the other strippers and had sex with her. So I doubt it was just "good fun" showing off her boobies and I'm sure none of the other wives were even there since no one knew about it.

 

That is the type of contradiction that I am talking about. It is as if the prior statements never happened. I'm not jaded and angry, I have never, in my memory told the writer to divorce. I think I have wished him luck at least 3 or 4 times. It just strikes me as sad when he first claimed to have found all of the evidence that matched what she said, and now, none of the evidence matches anything she just said, albeit it different from the first time.

 

 

Her IC interjects that this woman caught "mental illness" from being abused. As he wrote, "Her IC took over for a minute and in a nutshell told me she has a metal illness and has nothing to do with sex or lack of love or respect for me. It's common in women that have been raped at an early age." Not an STD, but mental illness?! You can't catch a mental illness!!!!

 

Rape trauma syndrome, a subcategory of PTSD is a DISORDER, not a mental illness. There is a HUGE difference and if the IC said she had a mental illness from being raped while young, check their credentials and look for the cracker jack sign on the back.

 

 

I try to follow these posts to interject helpful thoughts, even if at the time that I say it, it seems unhelpful. I really have never gone to these lengths to make a point, but so much is so wrong that I had to say something, repeatedly. I'm so sorry that I broke my promise to stop.

 

Each person works out there own salvation. Good luck to you.

[velvette]

I could not help it. Drifter, you hit the nail on the head. Stay, go, stay and go, do whatever. I have a Bull Crap meter that goes off loudly when stuff does not add up, is contradictory, is untrue, and improbable. I agree with @Velvette when she said,

All that said.......gently.....there may be more lies. Lying is a habit as much as anything.........not always shed easily.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeryBrokenMan View Post

It was a high end strip club (if there ever was one) and it was just topless. A couple of the other wives did it was well. It was fun for everybody and no big deal. We all agree (me, her, her IC) that was the start of when she realized that exposing herself gave her some type of relief from the CSA. The IC explained it's a way to take back the power and it's common in many CSA victims.

 

Drifter said:

But you said she went back on her own and stripped. Then she made friends with one of the other strippers and had sex with her. So I doubt it was just "good fun" showing off her boobies and I'm sure none of the other wives were even there since no one knew about it.

 

That is the type of contradiction that I am talking about. It is as if the prior statements never happened. I'm not jaded and angry, I have never, in my memory told the writer to divorce. I think I have wished him luck at least 3 or 4 times. It just strikes me as sad when he first claimed to have found all of the evidence that matched what she said, and now, none of the evidence matches anything she just said, albeit it different from the first time.

 

 

Her IC interjects that this woman caught "mental illness" from being abused. As he wrote, "Her IC took over for a minute and in a nutshell told me she has a metal illness and has nothing to do with sex or lack of love or respect for me. It's common in women that have been raped at an early age." Not an STD, but mental illness?! You can't catch a mental illness!!!!

 

Rape trauma syndrome, a subcategory of PTSD is a DISORDER, not a mental illness. There is a HUGE difference and if the IC said she had a mental illness from being raped while young, check their credentials and look for the cracker jack sign on the back.

 

 

I try to follow these posts to interject helpful thoughts, even if at the time that I say it, it seems unhelpful. I really have never gone to these lengths to make a point, but so much is so wrong that I had to say something, repeatedly. I'm so sorry that I broke my promise to stop.

 

Each person works out there own salvation. Good luck to you.

 

 

There is not contradiction. VBM said it was all in good fun the first time. That's what he believed at the time. He didn't know what was going on his his W mind, because he had no idea she had been raped in a scenario where leading up to that rape she was forced to strip/exhibit herself.

 

 

And, if this is all some elaborate con on Mrs. VBM's part why did she even bring up what happened on the second trip to Vegas. VBM was never going to find that out on his own. She could have taken that to the grave.

 

 

As for the therapist, I will admit I raised an eyebrow when she called this mental illness....but, she didn't say she caught a mental illness from rape. I don't think it means anything other than its the turn of phrase the therapist used perhaps thinking it was a lay term that made more sense to VBM. I agree its not a mental illness. But, all it indicates to me is the therapist was sloppy in her language or may not be the most competent therapist to deal with these issues. It bothers me that it took her so long to refer Mrs. VBM out to a more specialized therapist. But, Mrs. VBM may have resisted that. I have no doubt she has spent the last year bargaining with herself whether she really need to tell this or not. It explains some of the almost over the top efforts and the consistency of them in keeping VBM happy.

 

 

But, let me ask you this Bigman............are you saying the therapist is lying to VBM as well?

 

 

Because I simply don't believe that. So in your scenario I am left with Mrs. VBM conning the therapist into believing she was sexually abused.

And, according to the therapist that has been going on for months.

 

 

Why would she do that? She didn't need to do that. VBM was reconciling with her. She could have just made up some BS that she had low self esteem because she was only a SAHM and her kids would be leaving soon leaving or with no purpose in life or some other crap.

 

 

In your scenario, she has been prepping to tell VBM she was abused for several months in case VBM changed his mind about reconciling or she slipped up again.

 

 

Makes no logical sense.

[velvette]

VBM - I'm glad you are finding peace with all of this and looking at it from almost a 3rd person point of view. I could never do this - I can't even do it now after decades.

 

One thing I never can understand is when you, or anyone, starts up the old "the affair wasn't about you" - somehow thinking this can comfort a BS. To me the affair is all about the BS. The cheater thought about the relationship they have with the BS and decided they wanted "better". An intentional stab in the back, spit in the face, fu*k you to their spouse. They may have other reasons for cheating but the fundamental one is all about their BS.

 

Drifter,

 

 

I don't agree with you or understand your thinking, because if ever cheating was about the cheater and not the BS this is a case imo.

 

 

That being said, I respect your right to have your own belief.

 

 

It would be nice if people who think like you would accept/respect that other's of us believe differently. There is no right or wrong....or at least not anything either camp can point to that is definitive proof of their position. Even professionals don't agree.

 

 

In my view, this is a classic case of cheating being about the cheater.

[bigman1]

 

As for the therapist, I will admit I raised an eyebrow when she called this mental illness....but, she didn't say she caught a mental illness from rape.

You are sort of correct. The quote was "in a nutshell told me she has a metal illness [...] It's common in women that have been raped at an early age". Perhaps I oversimplified it, but it does read like she caught mental illness

 

More importantly, it has absolutely nothing to do with being young and female when it happens. Rape trauma syndrome/PTSD happens to anyone who suffers that abuse/trauma. It happens to men, women, boys and girls. Age and gender are not the factor, trauma is THE factor. For a therapist to link it to something that happens to young girls who are raped is beyond the use of lay language, it is just wrong. Like so wrong that I actually remarked out loud while reading that sentence.

 

 

You asked me if the therapist was lying to VBM. Good question, no make that GREAT question. I will cite your words to reply: "it indicates to me is the therapist was sloppy in her language or may not be the most competent therapist to deal with these issues.

 

And there we have it. An incompetent therapist. A proficient liar and an incompetent therapist. There are 3 probabilities. Lie, truth, mistake. The therapist lied- Not likely. As you said, it makes no sense. The therapist is telling the truth- problematic because the therapist is saying some really wrong stuff. So the only probability that makes sense is: Mistake. The therapist is just wrong. They are just another pawn in the well played game of Mrs. VBM.

 

It does not matter. This story covers so much territory that it does not matter where you end up. I will say this, therapist are not truth detectors. As you concede, this one is not the most competent, so their ability to do anything right strikes me as improbable.

 

sorry for all the bold, but I tried to do that multi quote stuff and the script just got in my way, so I edited, but not enough, apparently.

[velvette]

You are sort of correct. The quote was "in a nutshell told me she has a metal illness [...] It's common in women that have been raped at an early age". Perhaps I oversimplified it, but it does read like she caught mental illness

 

More importantly, it has absolutely nothing to do with being young and female when it happens. Rape trauma syndrome/PTSD happens to anyone who suffers that abuse/trauma. It happens to men, women, boys and girls. Age and gender are not the factor, trauma is THE factor. For a therapist to link it to something that happens to young girls who are raped is beyond the use of lay language, it is just wrong. Like so wrong that I actually remarked out loud while reading that sentence.

 

Ok I am the spokesperson for lots of therapist being incompetent lol.

 

 

But, that aside............if Mrs. VBM is conning the therapist why has she been doing it for months?

 

 

Makes no sense. In preparation for what?

 

 

And btw just because the therapist may not be the most competent doesn't mean she has the jist of it wrong. Maybe she just doesn't express herself well. Limiting it to young girls means nothing to me..........just that that was what she was dealing with. Why would she complicate the issue by including everyone else.

 

 

Anyway, main question.....why is Mrs. VBM conning the therapist for months in your opintion. Makes no sense to me.

 

You asked me if the therapist was lying to VBM. Good question, no make that GREAT question. I will cite your words to reply: "it indicates to me is the therapist was sloppy in her language or may not be the most competent therapist to deal with these issues.

 

And there we have it. An incompetent therapist. A proficient liar and an incompetent therapist. There are 3 probabilities. Lie, truth, mistake. The therapist lied- Not likely. As you said, it makes no sense. The therapist is telling the truth- problematic because the therapist is saying some really wrong stuff. So the only probability that makes sense is: Mistake. The therapist is just wrong. They are just another pawn in the well played game of Mrs. VBM.

 

It does not matter. This story covers so much territory that it does not matter where you end up. I will say this, therapist are not truth detectors. As you concede, this one is not the most competent, so their ability to do anything right strikes me as improbable.

 

sorry for all the bold, but I tried to do that multi quote stuff and the script just got in my way, so I edited, but not enough, apparently.

 

 

 

ten characters

[autumnnight]

There is a HUGE difference and if the IC said she had a mental illness from being raped while young, check their credentials and look for the cracker jack sign on the back.

 

I'm not gonna waste too much time typing a bunch of stuff people will just discount, but let me address this:

 

There are a variety of personality disorders listed in the DSM for which CSA can be a contributing factor. Perhaps the IC misspoke and said mental illness, perhaps VBM did. However, mental illness and personality disorder as sometimes used interchangeably, especially with laypeople.

 

Like I said, since I'm too damaged to be objective, I'm not gonna waste a lot of time....but this is one of many things that MIGHT be able to be explained if anyone was actually open to it.

[understand50]

VBM,

 

Good luck to you and Ann, and the best of life to both of you.

 

Hang in there, it will get better. Now that Ann's issue are in the open, they can be addressed, and you both have a chance at the marriage you both want as you grow old.

[66Charger]

The Man has spoken and thats that.

 

The end. Keep on conjecturing, but I for one would like to repeat something I said months ago.

 

I hope that one day you change your name to No Longer a Very Broken Man.

 

Good luck to you both and may you enjoy each other and till death do you part.

Edited August 11, 2015 by 66Charger

[bigman1]

The Man has spoken and thats that.

 

The end. Keep on conjecturing, but I for one would like to repeat something I said months ago.

 

I hope that one day you change your name to No Longer a Very Broken Man.

 

Good luck to you both and may you enjoy each other and till death do you part.

 

Agreed.

 

Velvette your question really leads me back down the rabbit hole. We don't know all that she is saying to the counselor. The question was answered long ago.

 

Still, it matters not. the past cannot be undone. The future is uncertain. the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. That does not mean that the future is set in stone because the past is set in stone. I've know habitual liars and cheaters to turn over a new leaf. No repentance, no clearing the slate, they just got with the program. If VBM wants to take that chance, then good for him.

 

Nuff said. I don't get the 10 character thing.

[aliveagain]

bigman1, you take words and statements apart for a living, your a lawyer so I understand where your coming from. I too deal with lawyers daily. My company is registered in Delaware so I have lawyers I deal with in Delaware. My company is situated in Alberta and British Columbia so I have lawyers in Vancouver and Calgary. Our medical patents are worldwide so I have patent lawyers and because we have shareholders that own shares in the company I have security lawyers that deal with the Alberta and British Columbia Securities Commissions. My point is that's all I do, I deal with lawyers, patents and NDA's all day, the wording is very important to me and when something doesn't make sense, well, need I say more? You don't get to be in my position by not understanding what is written.

 

I absolutely mean this with all honesty and from my heart, I come to this site to help people so they don't waste years of their life making some of the mistakes I made. I give my opinions in hopes that I am helping. I am direct because that's how I am in business, who has the time to waste when so much is on the line.

 

VBM, I truly hope things work out for you and Mrs. VBM. You both deserve to be happy, so do I and everyone on this thread deserves it too.

[VeryBrokenMan]

But you said she went back on her own and stripped. Then she made friends with one of the other strippers and had sex with her. So I doubt it was just "good fun" showing off her boobies and I'm sure none of the other wives were even there since no one knew about it.

 

Your right of course. That was not the time I was referring to.

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM, You are at a way better position to see and advise than most of us here I really admire your patience and your logic. I wish you the best. please understand that for most people not just here in this forum but in life in general infidelity is the ultimate red line once crossed there will be no going back, that's what explained some of the posts here

Good luck my friend

 

It is a red line for many men and some women and it goes back to the ego and self esteem thing in my view.

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM - I'm glad you are finding peace with all of this and looking at it from almost a 3rd person point of view. I could never do this - I can't even do it now after decades.

 

One thing I never can understand is when you, or anyone, starts up the old "the affair wasn't about you" - somehow thinking this can comfort a BS. To me the affair is all about the BS. The cheater thought about the relationship they have with the BS and decided they wanted "better". An intentional stab in the back, spit in the face, fu*k you to their spouse. They may have other reasons for cheating but the fundamental one is all about their BS.

 

I really don't think "better" is what it was about in our case since the OM was not in any way "better" than me. And that is not me being egotistical or full of myself. He is half the man I am in almost every category by any measure. I can see that if had he been twice the man that I am I would feel different?

[drifter777]

I really don't think "better" is what it was about in our case since the OM was not in any way "better" than me. And that is not me being egotistical or full of myself. He is half the man I am in almost every category by any measure. I can see that if had he been twice the man that I am I would feel different?

She thought something about cheating with him was "better" than what she had at the time. That's how people work - they are only dissatisfied with the status quo IF they believe there's something better. A job, a house, a boat - or a sex partner.

[autumnnight]

She thought something about cheating with him was "better" than what she had at the time. That's how people work - they are only dissatisfied with the status quo IF they believe there's something better. A job, a house, a boat - or a sex partner.

 

At this point in the game I fail to see how trying to convince the OP that the OM was better serves any actual helpful purpose. WS rarely think rationally.

[understand50]

At this point in the game I fail to see how trying to convince the OP that the OM was better serves any actual helpful purpose. WS rarely think rationally.

 

That is so right on so many levels. Why people cheat is only really known to themselves. I sometimes think that, that they would not be really able to explain it. Best we can hope for is remorse for the pain and hurt they caused.

 

drifter777,

 

I think the reason you never healed, is that your wife never admitted to the pain and hurt she inflicted to your very core. Looks like VBM does not have that issue, he just needs to deal with the outcome and fall out. His task is easier then yours was, in that Ann, realizes to some extent what she did to him. Will that be enough for VBM? Time will tell.

 

Someone posted, I think merrmeade, that she wanted to "shake some type of sense in to" Ann. I think we all collectively would like to "shake some type of sense" in to your wife. BTW, the same could be said of merrmeade's husband as well.

 

Wish you well.

[drifter777]

At this point in the game I fail to see how trying to convince the OP that the OM was better serves any actual helpful purpose. WS rarely think rationally.

This particular point is not directed at VBM and I'm not trying to convince him of anything. It's simply my take on his contention that the affair "was not about him". I hate that concept because it absolves the WS of the intentional betrayal they perpetrated on their BS. They decided to stab their spouse in the heart so they did it. The intention is there - cheating is all about the BS.

[Horton]

At this point in the game I fail to see how trying to convince the OP that the OM was better serves any actual helpful purpose. WS rarely think rationally.

 

This particular point is not directed at VBM and I'm not trying to convince him of anything. It's simply my take on his contention that the affair "was not about him". I hate that concept because it absolves the WS of the intentional betrayal they perpetrated on their BS. They decided to stab their spouse in the heart so they did it. The intention is there - cheating is all about the BS.

 

autumn, I get what you're saying and I do agree in theory that her affair is really about her own character issues, in the sense that it shouldn't be a reflection on her husband, but it's kinda like if a person got drunk and hit me with their car and left me crippled. I could understand logically how it's all on them and I didn't do anything to deserve it. But if the person who hit me told me over and over again that it was not about me. I could imagine that it might set me off hearing people say that. It's like 'oh I ruined your life but it's nothing personal.' I think that may be sort of how drifter feels. I could be wrong though.

[velvette]

She thought something about cheating with him was "better" than what she had at the time. That's how people work - they are only dissatisfied with the status quo IF they believe there's something better. A job, a house, a boat - or a sex partner.

 

 

The only reason she thought he was better was that she allowed him to know all her dark secrets and he reflected back to her that she was wonderful just the way she is....flaws/shame/secrets and all.

 

 

She was too weak to allow VBM the same opportunity, because she knows that she is not ok and that VBM would never tell her that.

 

 

However, she stays with VBM because she knows shes not ok, that VBM will not accept that she is ok, and will insist that she become ok and give her best. That is what she really wants. Who in the depths of their soul would want anything less?

[understand50]

The only reason she thought he was better was that she allowed him to know all her dark secrets and he reflected back to her that she was wonderful just the way she is....flaws/shame/secrets and all.

 

 

She was too weak to allow VBM the same opportunity, because she knows that she is not ok and that VBM would never tell her that.

 

 

However, she stays with VBM because she knows shes not ok, that VBM will not accept that she is ok, and will insist that she become ok and give her best. That is what she really wants. Who in the depths of their soul would want anything less?

 

All,

 

The OM to Ann, was just a chance to continue on the exposing herself, and continue on to the thrill of extramarital sex. She got a rush, exposing herself, and when she did it in person, the rush led to sex. Could have been any man at the time.

 

Point is there is no excuse for what she did, and the only real reason is that "she wanted to cheat" and thought she could get away with it. She has acknowledged this, and does not make excuses. The fact that her "issues" led her the situation, is relevant, as it has to be controlled so she does not engage in destructive behavior in the future. IE, "I was so drunk when I got seduced and had that ONS honey, did not know what I was doing". Well, you have to deal with the ONS, but you also have to deal with getting drunk and placing yourself in the situation where it did happen.

 

In Ann's case, there are two things, that are linked, but are separate. One, her infidelity, and two, her issues with wanting to expose herself to anonymous men. We can have great compassion for the second on why and how she got this compulsion, but we should recognize that she will have to get control over it in order to move on with her marriage and relationship to her husband. As for her infidelity, as told by VBM, she is working on showing remorse, and trying to make amends to VBM.

 

It is my opinion, for what it is worth, that if she did not have the compulsion, the infidelity would properly not have happened. All things being the same. Maybe this gets to the topic being discussed, did she think the OM was "better". Only Ann knows for sure, but I think any man would have done at the time and situation. What should also be acknowledged is that the OM was and is a predator, and took advantage of the situation. Again this does not let Ann off the hook for her actions, but it was another thing that contributed.

 

Assuming they are remorseful and want to change, this is why getting to the truth is important, knowing why and what can be helpful to making sure that the destructive behaviors do not happen again. Be this drinking, gambling, drugs, cheating, overspending, and so on. I believe in free will, but some people need to exercise it really early in the chain to break it. Some gamble, so just going to Las Vegas is a bad thing as just being there will trigger them. Some being in the state of Nevada, is a bad thing. Ann, needed to make a better choice when she decided to get on the web cam site with out VBM knowing. At that time, she was on the train to infidelity. VBM and Ann knowing this, will allow VBM to help Ann, and will give Ann some insight on how she found herself cheating on the man she loves.

 

BTW, if you would like a good story on compulsions, Read "Anatomy of a Murder" written by Michigan Supreme Court Justice John D. Voelker under the pen name Robert Traver. Voelker based the novel on a 1952 murder case in which he was the defense attorney. There is a movie, by the same name, starring James Stewart, it is listed as one of the best 100 movies of the 20th century. The book deals with the compulsion of the defendant in murdering the rapist of his wife. Why I bring this up, is this is not a new thing, and how we deal with people doing bad things from a mental compulsion, and how free will is balanced against menial issues in assigning punishment and redemption is something that has been struggled with. Bottom line, no one gets a free pass from the consequences their actions, but we can have compassion on how and why it happened.

 

Amazon.com: Anatomy of a Murder (9780312033569): Robert Traver: Books

 

Anatomy of a Murder (1959) - IMDb