Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[66Charger]

I am going to post a different thought pattern and VBM may not be ready for this or I might get roasted.

 

Lets assume you guys work things out. And she is working on her childhood issues

 

There is nothing wrong with a 50 year old woman with a little kink in her.

 

Maybe you better get in shape and wear this woman out for the next 5 - 10 years.

 

Get some Cialis if you need it. Put this woman to sleep. Make her snore.

 

Maybe you better get a little kink yourself.

 

No sharing though.

 

Call it inappropriate or bad timing, but hey...might as well make her "pay" for her sins as.long as your going to reconcile.

[autumnnight]

I am going to post a different thought pattern and VBM may not be ready for this or I might get roasted.

 

Lets assume you guys work things out. And she is working on her childhood issues

 

There is nothing wrong with a 50 year old woman with a little kink in her.

 

Maybe you better get in shape and wear this woman out for the next 5 - 10 years.

 

Get some Cialis if you need it. Put this woman to sleep. Make her snore.

 

Maybe you better get a little kink yourself.

 

No sharing though.

 

Call it inappropriate or bad timing, but hey...might as well make her "pay" for her sins as.long as your going to reconcile.

 

I loved this post until the last couple of lines and the "pay" for her sins.

 

Sigh...I guess i shouldn't be surprised.

 

Thank goodness for the kind of man VBM chooses to be.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I am going to post a different thought pattern and VBM may not be ready for this or I might get roasted.

 

Lets assume you guys work things out. And she is working on her childhood issues

 

There is nothing wrong with a 50 year old woman with a little kink in her.

 

Maybe you better get in shape and wear this woman out for the next 5 - 10 years.

 

Get some Cialis if you need it. Put this woman to sleep. Make her snore.

 

Maybe you better get a little kink yourself.

 

No sharing though.

 

Call it inappropriate or bad timing, but hey...might as well make her "pay" for her sins as.long as your going to reconcile.

 

Your post made me laugh out loud, thanks for that! My plumbing works like it did when I was 18 so no Cialis needed. It is so odd to me that she chose to have an affair with a 380 pound slob that is more than twice my weight but everyone says the AP is usually totally different from the spouse. I will never understand the mind of a cheater. Anyway there was a lot of "wearing her out" during the hysterical bonding phase, she initiated much of it so I never felt like I was forcing her to do anything she did not want. There is something missing in the sex though that I'm starting to think will never come back and for the first time in our marriage I'm not really that into it anymore. Hoping that changes.

[VeryBrokenMan]

The only reason she thought he was better was that she allowed him to know all her dark secrets and he reflected back to her that she was wonderful just the way she is....flaws/shame/secrets and all.

 

 

She was too weak to allow VBM the same opportunity, because she knows that she is not ok and that VBM would never tell her that.

 

 

However, she stays with VBM because she knows shes not ok, that VBM will not accept that she is ok, and will insist that she become ok and give her best. That is what she really wants. Who in the depths of their soul would want anything less?

 

I think the OM is a master at seduction and working his "game". We found out through the grapevine that he has been a serial cheater for years and it is well known. He was reflecting back exactly what she needed to hear to jump into the affair and to do it quickly. That does not excuse her choices at all but you have to take the fact that he was and is a predator and a rapist into your thinking. Had he not aggressively pursued her she would not have gone looking for an affair. Her needs were being met just exposing herself anonymously.

[VeryBrokenMan]

This particular point is not directed at VBM and I'm not trying to convince him of anything. It's simply my take on his contention that the affair "was not about him". I hate that concept because it absolves the WS of the intentional betrayal they perpetrated on their BS. They decided to stab their spouse in the heart so they did it. The intention is there - cheating is all about the BS.

 

Drifter I clearly see that some affairs are about the BS or the relationship for whatever reason. I don't believe in my case it was about me or our relationship at all. It's clearly a deep seated issue with her and her compulsions that she may not have control over. She needs to get a handle on those to remain married obviously.

[understand50]

I loved this post until the last couple of lines and the "pay" for her sins.

 

Sigh...I guess i shouldn't be surprised.

 

Thank goodness for the kind of man VBM chooses to be.

 

I know 66Charger's comment was meant more in fun then anything else, but the concept of what a WS should or will "pay" for their transgressions is interesting.

 

For some it is DIVORCE, no matter what, others is showing remorse and changing their behavior. In the case of a beak up the price is "divorce". For those that reconcile, I do not think that both the WS and BS can quantify what is the "price" to be paid by the WS, or if a "price" should be paid. I think it will be a personal thing between that WS and BS and will be different for each couple, depending on their past and future together. If the "price" is too high the WS may decide to leave, and if too low the BS may never recover.

 

For myself, the price my g/f, now wife, paid was a huge loss self esteem and shame at her actions in hurting me. That was enough for me at the time. It would have been different if she had cheated when we were married. As the "price" of her financial infidelity , it was the loss of a secure retirement, and of course all the money we have to pay off the debts. She also lost my trust, and I insisted on revisiting and opening everything that was a "secret" in our marriage. I just got to the point where, any type of lie or secret, little or big could not be endured. I held myself to the same standard with her, but the problem there is she met me when I was 15, so my past is her. Her complaint was that I really did not have anything to "share". We got past it, and it did help us trough it.

 

If I was VBM, I would tread lightly is making any type of sex as part of the "price" or reconciliation. I think a big part of Ann's issues is that as a young girl, she had no control over her body and who used it. Sex between lovers is a gift given to each other with free will, anything else is harmful.

 

In reading VBM, I am sure that this will not happen, as he is the type of decent man who would not coerce his lover into anything she would not want to do. Exploring their sexual side with both being willing participants is another matter, and I hope both will get to enjoy that part of their marriage going forward.

[66Charger]

I loved this post until the last couple of lines and the "pay" for her sins.

 

Sigh...I guess i shouldn't be surprised.

 

Thank goodness for the kind of man VBM chooses to be.

 

I wasnt being literal Autumn and Understand. More tongue in cheek. I didnt mean it as a "punishment" Man that was really taking it out of context

 

Anyway I get the part where its not the same. Its a tad bit early in the game, so I Hope things improve in the passion and desire side. Better get my but to work.

Good luck on that.

Edited August 13, 2015 by 66Charger

[drifter777]

Drifter I clearly see that some affairs are about the BS or the relationship for whatever reason. I don't believe in my case it was about me or our relationship at all. It's clearly a deep seated issue with her and her compulsions that she may not have control over. She needs to get a handle on those to remain married obviously.

Yeah, I understand all that. But the fact remains that she decided to live a secret life - to leave you out of it completely. She decided that secret life was more important to her than her relationship with you. She risked everything because, in her mind, she was risking nothing. She'd keep you in the dark and even if you found out she'd slide because you are such a good man. And the ultimate disrespect was having sex with him and then coming home to you all satisfied and fulfilled and eating the cake you served up.

 

Look, I rug-swept my wife's cheating and suffered the consequences. Now I hate cheaters and would never give them a pass no matter what their shrink or anyone else told me about their reasons. And every time I read you post about how the overweight slob charmed the pants off of you wife because he was so good at seducing women I want to throw ice-water in your face. Even if you choose to believe that nonsense you should stop posting it or saying it out loud. It insults the common sense of everyone who reads or hears it.

 

And don't say your not giving your wife a pass because that is exactly what you are doing. Stay or go - it's your life and your decision. I just think that the mountain of excuses you make for her & her behavior are telling a different story about what's going on in your heart.

[turnera]

It is so odd to me that she chose to have an affair with a 380 pound slob that is more than twice my weight

Then you haven't been educating yourself about female cheaters. Who almost ALWAYS cheat for EMOTION, not sex or looks. While male cheaters usually cheat to get more sex.

 

This ugly guy probably has a great gift of gab, knows how to please women, how to say just what they need to hear to feel wanted and loved and valued. Women go into marriages expecting to be emotionally connected, and are very often disappointed by their husbands just 'living life' and no longer making her feel special.

 

So are you paying attention to this aspect of your marriage now?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Then you haven't been educating yourself about female cheaters. Who almost ALWAYS cheat for EMOTION, not sex or looks. While male cheaters usually cheat to get more sex.

 

This ugly guy probably has a great gift of gab, knows how to please women, how to say just what they need to hear to feel wanted and loved and valued. Women go into marriages expecting to be emotionally connected, and are very often disappointed by their husbands just 'living life' and no longer making her feel special.

 

So are you paying attention to this aspect of your marriage now?

 

Of course I know that women cheat for an emotional connection but at least pick someone that does not turn your stomach. There is overweight and then there is obese, I mean really 380lb's? It clearly was not a physical attraction.

 

The affair had nothing to do with our relationship at all I'm certain of that at this point.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Yeah, I understand all that. But the fact remains that she decided to live a secret life - to leave you out of it completely. She decided that secret life was more important to her than her relationship with you. She risked everything because, in her mind, she was risking nothing. She'd keep you in the dark and even if you found out she'd slide because you are such a good man. And the ultimate disrespect was having sex with him and then coming home to you all satisfied and fulfilled and eating the cake you served up.

 

Look, I rug-swept my wife's cheating and suffered the consequences. Now I hate cheaters and would never give them a pass no matter what their shrink or anyone else told me about their reasons. And every time I read you post about how the overweight slob charmed the pants off of you wife because he was so good at seducing women I want to throw ice-water in your face. Even if you choose to believe that nonsense you should stop posting it or saying it out loud. It insults the common sense of everyone who reads or hears it.

 

And don't say your not giving your wife a pass because that is exactly what you are doing. Stay or go - it's your life and your decision. I just think that the mountain of excuses you make for her & her behavior are telling a different story about what's going on in your heart.

 

Why do you have such a hard time believing or admitting that there are predatory men (and women) out their that seduce people into affairs that they normally would not get into?

[turnera]

Of course I know that women cheat for an emotional connection but at least pick someone that does not turn your stomach. There is overweight and then there is obese, I mean really 380lb's? It clearly was not a physical attraction.

 

The affair had nothing to do with our relationship at all I'm certain of that at this point.

Was he talking to her first? On line or on the phone?

[qubist]

Why do you have such a hard time believing or admitting that there are predatory men (and women) out their that seduce people into affairs that they normally would not get into?

 

VBM, as a matter of fact there are website and forums that shows men how to take advantage of "venerable" married woman and seduce them to cheat.

[autumnnight]

Was he talking to her first? On line or on the phone?

 

This is a good question. If his words were pretty and flattering and all manly/dos equis sounding....he probably had her hooked before she even saw him...and love is blind.

[S2B]

Drifter I clearly see that some affairs are about the BS or the relationship for whatever reason. I don't believe in my case it was about me or our relationship at all. It's clearly a deep seated issue with her and her compulsions that she may not have control over. She needs to get a handle on those to remain married obviously.

 

But she does have control over her behavior; as each person does. Issues or not - we are all responsible for our own actions.

 

She may never "get a handle" on her actions. That's a fact. How long are you planning to wait to see? Have you decided on a deadline that's in your best interest in case she doesn't change?

 

 

I think it's important to have that boundary for yourself. If you don't look out for your best interest, who's going to? A solid, healthy boundary should be your first goal for yourself.

 

What she does or doesn't do is separate. You need to know where you end and she begins.

 

Have you worked with a counselor on co-dependcy? What was your goal in addressing this?

[William]

Folks, I got a report on this thread and, to be honest, I'm in the middle of my work day and have no time to review a, whoa, 1650 post thread right now, so I'm going to close it up and queue it for our staff to look at later. I'm sure the thread starter has received adequate response and insight to carry them through pending that review. If staff feels the discussion has run its course, we'll clean it up and leave it closed. In the meantime, thanks for your participation!

 

Update: I did a minor cleanup and didn't issue any sanctions. I'll wait and see what the other moderators say about the rest. It appears Robert spent some pretty good time on this thread a couple pages back and sanctioned a number of members so I want to get more input before doing anything else.

 

Thread starter, feel free to alert on this post and communicate with moderation. Thanks!

Edited August 18, 2015 by William
Minor thread cleanup

[Robert]

Thread re-opened

[atreides]

Why do you have such a hard time believing or admitting that there are predatory men (and women) out their that seduce people into affairs that they normally would not get into?

 

This question was not to me, but it has been your point for quite a while.

 

It is not about seduction or predators, it is about her choices. Moreover

 

that they normally would not get into?

 

is contradictory or can be reconciled to the point of "opportunity" to which is already "normal" but can never answer the part of the statement "would not get into?"

 

This is too clairvoyant and defeats the purpose and as while back with my other posts, made much of what you wrote a foregone conclusion.

 

So your question as to the belief of seduction and predatory behaviors is based on that very same forgone conclusion. We who disagree at least from what i can tell, are trying to point out that no matter her circumstance, the only thing that matters is her choice and the lack to say "no" as so many others have when hit on or approached by an aggressor.

 

best of luck.

[drifter777]

OK, Drifter777, let take this in parts.

 

Of course, you could be right, Ann and my wife, could have both worked part time in the local "cat" houses, but the evidence does not support this. In my wife's case, I had a good idea of what, when, and how things unfolded. Do I know everything for sure? No, but I am at 95%. I think VBM knows what physically went on and for how long, so he is sure of what, when, and how as well. Remember he had and has a PI on it.

 

From what Ann has stated, via VBM, she has not played the "victim" card". VBM thinks, and I agree with him from what he has stated, that the OM was a predator, and used Ann's issues to his advantage to have sex with her. Does not let her off the hook, but one does have to recognize what happened and with who.

 

Rationalization, is not a bad thing if you take it at its original meaning.

 

"Rationalization means organizing something into a logically coherent system. Factory organization is often rationalized to make it as efficient as possible. Sometimes rationalization means a way someone justifies their action."

 

Being a working prostitute has nothing to do with anything I said. You asserted that forgiving a wife was easier as long as she "didn't take the lead" and have sex with multiple men. And I challenged you regarding how you could possibly know that your wife didn't do these things? The answer is you don't - you just choose to believe her. In VBM's case his wife became a part-time stripper and slept with another stripper. She was a cam-girl and gave private show's online and in person. She had a separate, hyper-sexual life that he knew nothing about. In that context I would say his WW was and is capable of anything. Anything. And, since she is such an exceptional liar, the only way VBM can believe her is to take a leap-of-faith and choose to believe her.

 

The psychiatric definition of rationalization that I find in Psychology Today (and pretty much every dictionary) is :

Rationalization or rationalisation (also known as making excuses) is a defense mechanism in which controversial behaviors or feelings are justified and explained in a seemingly rational or logical manner to avoid the true explanation, and are made consciously tolerable – or even admirable and superior – by plausible means. It is also an informal fallacy of reasoning.

 

Your definition applies to a work-flow or data base system. To me, and most people, it means "excuse used to justify".

 

Your issue is that for every BH, that does mange to make it work, you feel they should have divorced, and that is the only solution.

 

Not my philosophy at all. My contention is that if you are the kind of man for whom sex is just sex and it's the lying and emotional elements of her affair that are your primary concern, then maybe you can reconcile, forgive, and find peace. If the sex kills you, if the mind movies torture you, if you feel as though she is tainted and that what she did with OM is the worst possible betrayal - then divorce is by far a BH's best option. The other situation where I believe a BH should divorce ASAP is when the couple don't have children together. Love comes and goes but betrayal is forever.

 

 

You feel that you should have divorce, but you are now trapped in your marriage. You are not trapped, you can divorce now.

 

If I divorce than I am sentencing my wonderful, innocent grandson to even more confusion and insecurity than he has already experienced being abandoned by his parents. I would die to prevent this from happening so, by comparison, staying with my FWW and trying to make my life work is an easy sacrifice.

 

 

Here is a thought, don't you think your wife should leave and divorce you, as your interaction with her must always come from a place of anger and hate? Ask yourself, why is she still with you?

 

Again, you have no idea what our relationship is like and are connecting imaginary dots with your own spin on them.

 

Sure, I get you, on one level I still do not understand "why", but I have gotten close. You see, my wife can not really say "why" herself. Part of her wanted a guy more her age. (remember I was in HS, and 2 years younger at 17). She was getting a lot flack from her family, friends, and roommates, so she was questioning us as a couple going forward. They all talked smack about me. Lastly, she was set up to some extent by her roommates. So she had a ONS, and then felt remorse, and told me about it. I forgave her, as she was and still is my first love, and my mature self looking at my callow 17 year old self, recognizes that I did not want to admit I could not hold on to my older G/F, and I was getting Sex every weekend. Now, I ask you, what 17 year old guy going to give that up? 40 plus years later, we are happy. I do not regret forgiving her.

 

I cannot relate to your situation and won't comment on it.

 

For VBM, he is looking at a relationship of 32 years, the mother of his children and a WS that has done everything to make amends. She could have done things better, but deciding that is for VBM.

 

I've been married longer than VBM - who cares? My wife is the mother of my children - who cares? Infidelity is infidelity no matter when it happens. You have no idea if she has done "everything" and neither do I. You think she has - maybe your right but, again, who cares? Deciding if it is enough is up to VBM.

 

 

drifter777, you give good advise, and I always read your posts. I have posted on other threads that the OP needs to hear all sides to come to THEIR decision. You have a good voice. Personally, I wish you could forgive your wife and then heal. I think in the long run, your time here on earth would be better if you could, but I realize that may be past what you can do. What your wife did to you was bad, but it is in the past and she cannot change it, nor can you change who she is. You can only change the one thing you have ultimate control over - You. How you act with her, how you feel with her, and how you could built a better relationship for both your sakes and peace of mind.

 

I will hate myself for not divorcing her until the day I die. I've settled for her and my life. I've weighed my options for years and not left her because I'd rather live with my occasional trigger and feelings of contempt then leave. Think of me what you want, I don't care.

 

I'm old - I can't start over. When I should have divorced her I was 24 and had my whole life in front of me. I looked at my path's and chose the one that would help me feel better right now. I caved to my pain and made myself believe that, over time, I would eventually heal. Horrible decision. I was a coward. I don't want other men to make this same mistake without at least hearing my story. I'm far, far from the only BH who regrets not divorcing and I will advise leaving as the first, best option. Take it or leave it. Just know that staying with a woman who screwed OM - the ultimate betrayal - is something that many men want to get past, believe they will get past, but never do.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Thank you.

 

PS: BTW I came on to LS for information on the second crisis in our marriage, her financial infidelity. I started posting as I think I have some views to offer. I state this, as if some would like to know, or not, why I am talking about my wife ONS after all these years. It is to illustrate a point. I think we have been successful in our reconciliation, but time will tell on that as well.

 

My wife is a compulsive gambler in recovery. She destroyed our finances by stealing our money and lying over and over again. It was horrible to live through, as you know. She went into treatment and I supported her. She started gambling again about a year after treatment and this time I told her I was going to divorce her. I had a consultation with a lawyer and was ready to pull the trigger. She quit cold-turkey and has not had a single slip to this day. To this day I give her very little access to very little money. She get's an allowance and a credit card with a $1000 maximum. It's been 11 years and she's never complained or asked me to trust her with money again. She knows she's not trustworthy - that her best intentions are not enough to keep her from gambling when the urge hits her. An addict is an addict for life and they know it.

 

You say your wife committed "financial infidelity". Compared to having sex with other men this was nothing for me. Not for one second did I ever consider my wife's lying, stealing, and sneaking around to gamble away most of our money to be infidelity. It was something horrible to live through but it wasn't sex with other men so I was willing to work with her to get through it. I guess infidelity is in the eye of the beholder. And this is not to say that what you felt wasn't just as horrible as what many people feel when their spouse cheats. It's just that I'm the type of man who is literally crushed by sexual infidelity so everything else seems like just another problem.

Edited August 18, 2015 by drifter777

[VeryBrokenMan]

I don't disagree that it is about her choices and she agrees with me 100% that the affair was a choice she made. And for 30 plus years she made the right choices and did say no and it was not until a very aggressive predator pursued her and groomed her and took advantage of a venerable time in her life. Had he or some other predator not come along at the right time it never would have happened. She was never looking for an affair. She was not on a dating site or Tindr or anything like that.

 

This question was not to me, but it has been your point for quite a while.

 

It is not about seduction or predators, it is about her choices. Moreover

 

 

 

is contradictory or can be reconciled to the point of "opportunity" to which is already "normal" but can never answer the part of the statement "would not get into?"

 

This is too clairvoyant and defeats the purpose and as while back with my other posts, made much of what you wrote a foregone conclusion.

 

So your question as to the belief of seduction and predatory behaviors is based on that very same forgone conclusion. We who disagree at least from what i can tell, are trying to point out that no matter her circumstance, the only thing that matters is her choice and the lack to say "no" as so many others have when hit on or approached by an aggressor.

 

best of luck.

[autumnnight]

If the sex kills you, if the mind movies torture you, if you feel as though she is tainted and that what she did with OM is the worst possible betrayal - then divorce is by far a BH's best option.

 

I agree with this advice 1000 percent

[VeryBrokenMan]

I agree with this advice 1000 percent

 

I guess I don't understand why your spouse having sex with others after your married should torture you anymore than lovers they had prior to marriage? Maybe that's why I've been able to deal with the physical part relatively easily? The lying, deceit and emotional component are much harder for me to deal with and to understand than the physical act of having sex. I don't see her as tainted by that fact. I don't like it obviously but the lying to my face when I confronted her is much worse at this point.

[drifter777]

I guess I don't understand why your spouse having sex with others after your married should torture you anymore than lovers they had prior to marriage? Maybe that's why I've been able to deal with the physical part relatively easily? The lying, deceit and emotional component are much harder for me to deal with and to understand than the physical act of having sex. I don't see her as tainted by that fact. I don't like it obviously but the lying to my face when I confronted her is much worse at this point.

Well, before you married her she didn't take a vow to not boff other men. You had no expectation - at least in our society - that she would be a virgin when you married her. Having lovers prior to your committed relationship was not a betrayal.

 

I don't understand how you can see it the way you do but I respect it. My God, I wish I had the attitude about it that you do - my life would be so much easier. Because you are this way I think you have a much better chance to reconcile, successfully, then many other men. Of course the whole stripping, exposing, cam-girl thing and lying/hiding it from you for years is something that very few men have to deal with. Even when I was a young, stupid kid this would have made it easy to walk away. I don't know how you can accept this whole ball of rotten wax. The vast majority of men would be overwhelmed by it.

[qubist]

I guess I don't understand why your spouse having sex with others after your married should torture you anymore than lovers they had prior to marriage? Maybe that's why I've been able to deal with the physical part relatively easily? The lying, deceit and emotional component are much harder for me to deal with and to understand than the physical act of having sex. I don't see her as tainted by that fact. I don't like it obviously but the lying to my face when I confronted her is much worse at this point.

I agree with you 100%, I would be bothered by the A in general not lust the physical part. but somehow many of us can't get over the physical part specially here in America comparing to other civilized countries like Canada , Japan or Europe.

with all respect to all of the posters here some of them can't help keeping self projection out of their opinion.

VBM, you are a good man, understand that you will never pass the fact that you were betrayed and deceived, however you can get over the pain of it all. and I'm sure you will. Your wife made terrible decision but no human should be tagged by a mistake for the rest of her life. do not discard a possibility of getting back together if you feel that's the best for you just because she cheated.

[drifter777]

with all respect to all of the posters here some of them can't help keeping self projection out of their opinion.

 

Hey - I can only advise based on my experience. You're doing the same projecting that all of us do.