Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[qubist]

Hey - I can only advise based on my experience. You're doing the same projecting that all of us do.

I understand what you are saying but that's not what I meant. I was talking about the fact that some posters could not comprehend that fact that his not bothered by the physical aspect of the affair more than the A itself.

[undercover_lover]

I don't disagree that it is about her choices and she agrees with me 100% that the affair was a choice she made. And for 30 plus years she made the right choices and did say no and it was not until a very aggressive predator pursued her and groomed her and took advantage of a venerable time in her life. Had he or some other predator not come along at the right time it never would have happened. She was never looking for an affair. She was not on a dating site or Tindr or anything like that.

 

So do you think her stripper friend and EA partner, and the numerous people who interacted with her on the cam site were aggressive predators as well? She was on a cam site, much worse than a dating site.

[drifter777]

it was not until a very aggressive predator pursued her and groomed her and took advantage of a venerable time in her life. Had he or some other predator not come along at the right time it never would have happened. She was never looking for an affair. She was not on a dating site or Tindr or anything like that.

 

Ok, I see that this is your story and you're sticking to it. I hope things work out for you.

[oldshirt]

I don't disagree that it is about her choices and she agrees with me 100% that the affair was a choice she made. And for 30 plus years she made the right choices and did say no and it was not until a very aggressive predator pursued her and groomed her and took advantage of a venerable time in her life. Had he or some other predator not come along at the right time it never would have happened. She was never looking for an affair. She was not on a dating site or Tindr or anything like that.

 

What your choosing to ignore is that the whole world is preditorial and opportunistic and everyone has periods of vulnerability.

 

In the heart of every man is a predictor, an opportunist and a horny man who will take a piece of poon that is offered to him if the all the circumstances are right.

 

And in the heart of every woman is an opportunist who has periods vulnerability and periods of loneliness and periods of self doubt and insecurity etc etc.

 

You are blaming this one guy, but he is just one guy out of three billion. There are three billion others just like him.

 

And you are excusing her vulnerability. But everyone also has periods of vulnerability and times they don't feel good or feel that all is right in the world.

 

Again, she is just another woman out of 3 billion.

 

She was prostitution herself on the internet for the attention of perverted strangers and she was running off to Vegas to strip for creepers in nasty strip joints and then going home and doughnut bumping with strippers.

 

This is simply bad behavior. It's bad behavior and you have been accepting it and supporting it and letting her get away with it Scot-free and making excuses and justifications for her at every step.

 

I think I said this at the beginning of this thread last year but it's still holding true - you are like the dentist in the original "Hangover" movie. When his buddies were trying to tell him he was being mistreated and that she wasn't a nice person and pointed out that she cheated on him with the bellhop on a cruise, he defended her and justified it by saying - "no, he was the bartender and he didn't cum inside her."

 

And like that character in the movie, you too will eventually come to the realization that you can't keep justifying her bad behavior or accepting her maltreatment of you and your marriage and will hold her accountable.

 

I'm a little surprised it's taking this long but I am still holding out hope.

[RightThere]

I guess I don't understand why your spouse having sex with others after your married should torture you anymore than lovers they had prior to marriage? Maybe that's why I've been able to deal with the physical part relatively easily? The lying, deceit and emotional component are much harder for me to deal with and to understand than the physical act of having sex. I don't see her as tainted by that fact. I don't like it obviously but the lying to my face when I confronted her is much worse at this point.

 

Well I won't disagree that I spent some time in that very mindset during my (fake) reconciliation. It does help to sort things out in your head. And definitely the sting from the physical betrayal does fade over time to be replaced by the lying and deceit.

 

But don't be naive to the fact that both will torture you going forward and into the future. They both rear their ugly heads when you are not expecting it.

[RightThere]

I don't disagree that it is about her choices and she agrees with me 100% that the affair was a choice she made. And for 30 plus years she made the right choices and did say no and it was not until a very aggressive predator pursued her and groomed her and took advantage of a venerable time in her life. Had he or some other predator not come along at the right time it never would have happened. She was never looking for an affair. She was not on a dating site or Tindr or anything like that.

 

You don't need to be beat up for how you're feeling and the path you want to take. I've been there and actually needed to take a break from this place because as much as you get the "reconciliation" pressure at home, you get the "dump the crazy b@#$!" here.

 

Just don't close yourself off from listening to everything people tell you. You're going to need to go down this path yourself and determine where it's going to take you and what decisions you need to make. No one here will convince you of what you need to learn for yourself. Good or bad.

 

Just stay strong and true to yourself.

[turnera]

I guess I don't understand why your spouse having sex with others after your married should torture you anymore than lovers they had prior to marriage? Maybe that's why I've been able to deal with the physical part relatively easily? The lying, deceit and emotional component are much harder for me to deal with and to understand than the physical act of having sex. I don't see her as tainted by that fact. I don't like it obviously but the lying to my face when I confronted her is much worse at this point.

VBM, fwiw, I agree with you. The act of sex...it's just an act of sex. Billions of people have done it billions of times in the history of mankind.

 

And yet I am one to have a NO-chance policy. And it has nothing to do with the sex act. It's the psychological decision that YOUR desires are more important than CARING FOR your spouse.

 

I'm sorry, but THAT is controllable. And if one decides one cannot control that, MUST have sex with another person (note that I have given special dispensation for ONS's), then one is a SELFISH person who does NOT love their spouse. If they LOVED their spouse, they would have said no.

[Confused48]

I have to agree with VBM on this issue. Think of it like this:

 

There is a streetwalker and a potential John talking about price. The John does not like the price stated and so he rapes the street walker.

 

Now they were both showing a lack of character and morals. However, one of them is far more dangerous to society than the other. One is far more morally reprehensible than the other.

 

So it is with sexually predatory OM and OW. IMHO.

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM, fwiw, I agree with you. The act of sex...it's just an act of sex. Billions of people have done it billions of times in the history of mankind.

 

And yet I am one to have a NO-chance policy. And it has nothing to do with the sex act. It's the psychological decision that YOUR desires are more important than CARING FOR your spouse.

 

I'm sorry, but THAT is controllable. And if one decides one cannot control that, MUST have sex with another person (note that I have given special dispensation for ONS's), then one is a SELFISH person who does NOT love their spouse. If they LOVED their spouse, they would have said no.

 

It's definitely a f&*ked up kind of love and it is totally selfish, immature, self centered and all those things. People who have never cheated and never will cannot understand the mindset and the complete lack of loyalty.

 

My wife swears that she loves me and like many cheaters feels like anyone would cheat given the right opportunity. She cannot grasp that I would never cheat on her. That is a character flaw at the very least. I've always put a huge priority on being forthright and of solid character when dealing with everyone in my life whether business or personal. I cannot understand the thinking that goes into cheating but what I've learned is that for many cheaters(not all) their love for their spouse is true but because they are so selfish and self centered they don't even consider their spouse when they enter into an affair. The affair is completely about them and living in the moment. So yes they do love you but they love themselves more. In my case my wife is making me the focus and has lost much of the self centered behavior that prevailed in our marriage. The turn around has been nothing short of stunning and that is in large part why I'm sticking around.

 

The other side of the coin is that for whatever reason (I think it's self protection and my IC agrees) I'm not feeling love for her. I'm not angry or even feeling hurt much anymore. I'm just numb and don't really feel any emotions about her. She could tell me was leaving tomorrow and I don't think I'd bat an eye. My IC has explained that basically my emotions for her are on hold subconsciously as we see how the next months and years unfold. Self preservation at it's finest.

[atreides]

I don't disagree that it is about her choices and she agrees with me 100% that the affair was a choice she made. And for 30 plus years she made the right choices and did say no and it was not until a very aggressive predator pursued her and groomed her and took advantage of a venerable time in her life. Had he or some other predator not come along at the right time it never would have happened. She was never looking for an affair. She was not on a dating site or Tindr or anything like that.

 

Your feelings are so strong for her that even now after so many posts and time you are blinded by not seeing the point we are trying to make. No, it was not an aggressive predatory behavior that made your wife fold at a "vulnerable" time. It was her choices and actions. You have no way of arguing that it would have never happened, that is why i said too clairvoyant. It is not fair to you or your wife to use another type of fog, the "betrayed fog" to rationalize it away by using this "vulnerable and predator argument.".

 

She did more things as well which leads to her own issues and choices, void of "i was so vulnerable if only they were not so aggressive in trying to get with me."

This is the point, you will never heal from this if you cannot face the real source of her infidelity and that is the tragedy.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Your feelings are so strong for her that even now after so many posts and time you are blinded by not seeing the point we are trying to make. No, it was not an aggressive predatory behavior that made your wife fold at a "vulnerable" time. It was her choices and actions. You have no way of arguing that it would have never happened, that is why i said too clairvoyant. It is not fair to you or your wife to use another type of fog, the "betrayed fog" to rationalize it away by using this "vulnerable and predator argument.".

 

She did more things as well which leads to her own issues and choices, void of "i was so vulnerable if only they were not so aggressive in trying to get with me."

This is the point, you will never heal from this if you cannot face the real source of her infidelity and that is the tragedy.

 

I'm not blind to anything. When an aiplane crashes the cause is always traced back to a series of events that led to the crash. The cause of the crash is always determined to be that initial action. In this case the "crash" never happens if the OM did not call her and start the process of "courting" her. She totally made the choice to cheat AFTER the initial cause due to the intense pursuit of the OM.

 

If the OM never came along she never would have cheated. How else do you explain the 30 years of faithfulness? The process started with the OM's aggression period and I'm not blind to anything.

[RightThere]

My wife swears that she loves me and like many cheaters feels like anyone would cheat given the right opportunity. She cannot grasp that I would never cheat on her. That is a character flaw at the very least.

 

As much as I would love to take the moral high ground being a BS, I don't think it's fair to say "never".

 

Everyone can make a mistake, however some people seem to make a lot more mistakes in situations that are not all that complicated. I've been in those situations during my marriage, and at the time I did say no to it all. However I can't say if certain things were different, I would have always had the same result.

 

But I agree that not taking responsibility for mistakes by relying on "well everyone else would have done the same" is not true. It would just take a lot more than a warm body for others to consider cheating.

[VeryBrokenMan]

As much as I would love to take the moral high ground being a BS, I don't think it's fair to say "never".

 

Everyone can make a mistake, however some people seem to make a lot more mistakes in situations that are not all that complicated. I've been in those situations during my marriage, and at the time I did say no to it all. However I can't say if certain things were different, I would have always had the same result.

 

But I agree that not taking responsibility for mistakes by relying on "well everyone else would have done the same" is not true. It would just take a lot more than a warm body for others to consider cheating.

 

Never is a strong word but I've been tested at least three times in my marriage by women that had I been single would have been all over. Each time I put my marriage and my wife first. Maybe not everyone can say "never" but I feel like I can.

[qubist]

VBM: you are in very good position to make the right decision and most importantly to live with that decision, the fact that you are not in much pain and your ability of holding your emotion is a good sign, he have chosen to stick around which wasn't the easiest route considering her mental state.

Good luck

[understand50]

Never is a strong word but I've been tested at least three times in my marriage by women that had I been single would have been all over. Each time I put my marriage and my wife first. Maybe not everyone can say "never" but I feel like I can.

 

VBM,

 

Do not apologize for being faithful, if that is what you are doing. Some of us can be faithful, or give it a dam good try. I have also, thought of the analogy of a plain crash for Ann's "affair". Remove any of it, and it does not happen.

 

I think, in yours and Ann's case, what is different from many of the posters, is that she is working hard to make amends and change. If she was breaking NC with the OM, not putting you first, and not working to change, and if when the "picture" issue came about, did not tell you all, I think you would not be reconciling. Rightly so.

 

What you and Ann are a example of, is, in her case a spouse doing everything "right" to repair the marriage, to include revealing to you what she wanted to take to her grave. You are an example of a BS, who is working hard and accepting her hard work. You are not a doormat by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Now we do have posters, who use their EX wife's as examples. I would have to state that I would advise you, and I would divorce, if Ann was pulling the same things with you. She is not. You are lucky.

 

I think in the end your love will come back, I went trough the same sort of thing several times in my marriage. Love does come back if the other spouse works to let it. Time is magic.

 

As always I wish you and Ann luck.

[Zenstudent]

I'm not blind to anything. When an aiplane crashes the cause is always traced back to a series of events that led to the crash. The cause of the crash is always determined to be that initial action. In this case the "crash" never happens if the OM did not call her and start the process of "courting" her. She totally made the choice to cheat AFTER the initial cause due to the intense pursuit of the OM.

 

If the OM never came along she never would have cheated. How else do you explain the 30 years of faithfulness? The process started with the OM's aggression period and I'm not blind to anything.

I admire your fortitude VBM, but this one, I think you have backwards.

 

If you believe the OM is the only one at fault in this mess, you're going to be very busy chasing other men off in the years to come.

 

To use your analogy with the plane crash... a plane may crash due to a collission with a flock of birds, so... would you choose to hunt down and shoot all birds in the world to prevent if from happening? Or would you rather built airplanes that will survive these incidents?

 

And FYI, most PUAs go for easy wins. I know, because my wife was played by the book, to a T.

[Horton]

How could the OM be the cause of your marriage woes when your wife was doing cam shows, stripping, having a lesbian affair and an EA with some other guy long before the OM even came into the picture?

[Cressida]

How could the OM be the cause of your marriage woes when your wife was doing cam shows, stripping, having a lesbian affair and an EA with some other guy long before the OM even came into the picture?

 

No disrespect here to the initial poster, I do feel bad for the pain they're going through, but this is the funniest comment of the YEAR :lmao::lmao:

[eric1]

I admire your fortitude VBM, but this one, I think you have backwards.

 

If you believe the OM is the only one at fault in this mess, you're going to be very busy chasing other men off in the years to come.

 

To use your analogy with the plane crash... a plane may crash due to a collission with a flock of birds, so... would you choose to hunt down and shoot all birds in the world to prevent if from happening? Or would you rather built airplanes that will survive these incidents?

 

And FYI, most PUAs go for easy wins. I know, because my wife was played by the book, to a T.

 

This isn't a plane crash, it's a train wreck.

 

A complete tragedy, Shakespeare would be proud

[drifter777]

I'm not blind to anything. When an aiplane crashes the cause is always traced back to a series of events that led to the crash. The cause of the crash is always determined to be that initial action. In this case the "crash" never happens if the OM did not call her and start the process of "courting" her. She totally made the choice to cheat AFTER the initial cause due to the intense pursuit of the OM.

 

If the OM never came along she never would have cheated. How else do you explain the 30 years of faithfulness? The process started with the OM's aggression period and I'm not blind to anything.

 

The initial action was your wife stripping for strangers on the Internet. A sex worker - a Cam Girl. The OM saw her and paid for private shows - in person. She met him in person to strip for him and ended up having sex with him. Exactly what part of this supports your contention that "he's a predator and seduced her. She wouldn't have cheated on her own"? When you look at this in black and white it appears your wife is the predator. She flaunted it for him and finally met him and closed the deal. I'm not slanting the facts one bit. I'm simply taking a pragmatic approach to examining the evidence and I think the case for her being the pursuer is much stronger. She wiggled her naked body in front of thousands of men and zeroed in on this POS for extra personal attention. Why him? Why would you think he's the only one?

[road]

The initial action was your wife stripping for strangers on the Internet. A sex worker - a Cam Girl. The OM saw her and paid for private shows - in person. She met him in person to strip for him and ended up having sex with him. Exactly what part of this supports your contention that "he's a predator and seduced her. She wouldn't have cheated on her own"? When you look at this in black and white it appears your wife is the predator. She flaunted it for him and finally met him and closed the deal. I'm not slanting the facts one bit. I'm simply taking a pragmatic approach to examining the evidence and I think the case for her being the pursuer is much stronger. She wiggled her naked body in front of thousands of men and zeroed in on this POS for extra personal attention. Why him? Why would you think he's the only one?

 

 

 

If the OP can move past this then let him do his thing and not yours.

[Confused48]

Look, no one is saying the OM in this case attacked a vestal virgin. It's not that VBM's wife is chaste as the driven snow. Not at all. Still, that does not mean all bad actors are the same. There are graduations of evil. She is not a rapist. She is not a sexual predator.

[Horton]

If the OP can move past this then let him do his thing and not yours.

 

Yes, lets allow him to delude himself about the facts of what happened to make it a little more palatable in the here and now. Cause that won't lead to any repercussions down the road, just ask drifter.

[drifter777]

If the OP can move past this then let him do his thing and not yours.

 

If he doesn't move past the truth then this will come back and destroy him all over again.

[merrmeade]

If he doesn't move past the truth then this will come back and destroy him all over again.

How and why does anyone move past the truth?