Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Horton]

The story told here reveals that Ann had a past EA.... she progressed to participating in video chat and pornography online with other men....She had a lesbian affair....all of this transpired without her husbands knowledge....and All of this happened BEFORE she had an affair with the OM.

 

Why are we discussing whether or not the OM was a predator? This woman was involved in infidelity LONG before she ever became involved with the OM.

 

The woman in this story is not an innocent helpless victim of the OM....she had already willingly participated in several inappropriate relationships long before he came on the scene...

 

A good question, I think autumn summed up rather succinctly why we're having this discussion in her previous post.

 

I could be totally off her, but I think we all characterize a situation in the way we can best get through the crisis initially. Then, later, we can take a look at it more as it really was. Maybe that is why, at least at first, it is sometimes easier for the BS to think of the AP is a predator and the WS as almost a victim of their wiles.

 

If that is the case, then I understand more why some of the posters on this thread have been so tough with VBM. Because they know that the "OM as predator" mindset won't last forever, and it is better to deal with Ann's culpability NOW instead of years from now.

 

Many BH's prefer to view their wife as the OM's victim in order to make reconciling a little less like swallowing a sh*t sandwich and a little more like riding in on a white horse.

You're correct in pointing out that this doesn't last forever and when that veil gets lifted things can turn sour real quickly.

If you're gonna reconcile then do so with you're eyes wide open IMO. Anybody helping VBM to see his wife as the OM's prey is not doing him any favors in the long run, no matter how well intentioned they may be.

[autumnnight]

I wasn't married to the person who cheated on me, but I did cling to their "explanation" for a long time because it hurt less than the realization that...well, he just didn't love me enough to be faithful and I couldn't be sure of anything about him.

 

It really stalled my letting go though, and the crying and snotfest lasted longer than it should have.

 

I can't imagine how infinitely multiplied it would be in a marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

But you see....this story has so much infidelity that there truly is not just one OM.

 

When she spread her legs in front of a video camera and performed for other men...she committed adultery...when she chatted with them and described what she wanted them to do to her...she committed adultery. When she had oral sex with another woman...she committed adultery.

 

Now which partner is the predator?

[autumnnight]

But you see....this story has so much infidelity that there truly is not just one OM.

 

When she spread her legs in front of a video camera and performed for other men...she committed adultery...when she chatted with them and described what she wanted them to do to her...she committed adultery. When she had oral sex with another woman...she committed adultery.

 

Now which partner is the predator?

 

None of what she has done is justifiable. However, since you took a break, I am not sure if you read back far enough to know that she was raped as a child for about 8 years. That does NOT justify cheating, but it can factor into some of the behavior psychologically.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know the whole story as told by VBM.....

 

I know Autumn that you too were mistreated.....and i was molested by my cousin....and raped by my lesbian aunt and molested by my great grandfather....all before age 13

 

I sympathize with what VBM says happened to ANN....and you are right....it does not excuse her behavior.

 

I am no better and no worse than Ann...I am just as tainted

 

I own it

 

and Mr JA holds ME accountable for my own behavior

Edited August 24, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[VeryBrokenMan]

We met with my wife's psychiatrist this morning. He gave us a referral to a neurologist. He wants a consult with the neurologist to rule out any physical issues. He did not say anything of the sort but of course I thought of some type of brain tumor immediately. She has been having severe headaches that have been going on since last year. Not really sure what if anything that means but we are both scared. He really would not say what he was looking for.

 

To answer some questions:

 

The rape does not excuse the choices she made but does explain her behavior to some extent. I'm at a loss to how to reconcile all that at the moment.

 

There was no lesbian affair, it was a drunken ONS. I could not care less about it in the scheme of things. The cam stuff really does not rise to the level of cheating either in my view. She was not paid, it was not prostitution. Her morals are obviously poor and not something that I thought I was married to but it's just not the same as having sex or falling in love with someone else. In the pecking order of what she has done wrong it's not even close to the top.

 

Some of you seem to be stuck on the fact that I see her as being taken advantage of or as a victim. She was no doubt but she still had to say "yes" at every step. I'm not excusing her behavior based on the fact the OM was a predator, but had he not been none of the cheating would have happened. It's just part of the equation that led to her cheating.

 

I've not been sleeping the past week and I'm exhausted today, very sorry I cannot respond to every post but I just don't have it in me. I have read everyone of them and tried to get something out of each of your viewpoints.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There was no lesbian affair, it was a drunken ONS.

Boy that lets a whole bunch of people off of the hook...

i think an ONS is infidelity...male or female...drunk or sober..but this is your story....and if in your story it isn't adultery or an affair....then your wife is a very lucky woman.....because in my house....an ONS...was an affair.

 

 

I'm not excusing her behavior based on the fact the OM was a predator, but had he not been none of the cheating would have happened

in my house...if i had video sex for other men without my husbands permission....that would be cheating

 

 

Her morals are obviously poor and not something that I thought I was married to but it's just not the same as having sex or falling in love with someone else.

If she had an EA and you said she did....she fell in love with someone else and we know she had sex so she is batting a thousand.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[TX-SC]

If my wife had a drunken ONS with ANYONE, male or female, I would have SERIOUS issues with it.

[Horton]

I'm gonna take a slightly different angle here since it appears to me that you're dead set on giving her another chance.

 

If you take her back now, knowing what you know, then I think you need to do your very best not to hold these things against her in the future. I don't mean right now, cause obviously you're still in the thick of it and you're gonna lash out at her at some point. But I believe it would be cruel for you to reconcile with her, help her with her childhood traumas, assist her with her myriad of emotional issues and make her feel like the two of you are finally back on even footing just to rip the rug out from underneath her years down the road.

[qubist]

We met with my wife's psychiatrist this morning. He gave us a referral to a neurologist. He wants a consult with the neurologist to rule out any physical issues. He did not say anything of the sort but of course I thought of some type of brain tumor immediately. She has been having severe headaches that have been going on since last year. Not really sure what if anything that means but we are both scared. He really would not say what he was looking for.

 

To answer some questions:

 

The rape does not excuse the choices she made but does explain her behavior to some extent. I'm at a loss to how to reconcile all that at the moment.

 

There was no lesbian affair, it was a drunken ONS. I could not care less about it in the scheme of things. The cam stuff really does not rise to the level of cheating either in my view. She was not paid, it was not prostitution. Her morals are obviously poor and not something that I thought I was married to but it's just not the same as having sex or falling in love with someone else. In the pecking order of what she has done wrong it's not even close to the top.

 

Some of you seem to be stuck on the fact that I see her as being taken advantage of or as a victim. She was no doubt but she still had to say "yes" at every step. I'm not excusing her behavior based on the fact the OM was a predator, but had he not been none of the cheating would have happened. It's just part of the equation that led to her cheating.

 

I've not been sleeping the past week and I'm exhausted today, very sorry I cannot respond to every post but I just don't have it in me. I have read everyone of them and tried to get something out of each of your viewpoints.

First let's just hope the neurologist has some good news for you and not what you are fearing.

Ann must be the luckiest woman to have a very loving H. who is caring for her after all her mess. I seems like you have decided to work this out and if she can work on her flaws she would treat you like you deserve. just be careful R is not easy and will take a lot of efforts from both of you

[turnera]

Just throwing it out there...my dad had a brain tumor once and he went absolutely berserk. We couldn't even recognize him. Thank God he let my mom get him to a doctor where they found it; once they removed it in surgery, he went back to his normal self.

[Mrs. John Adams]

First....in VBM's most recent turn in his story.....Ann has not been diagnosed with anything...she has been having headaches....she could be having headaches due to the stress of everything he says she is going through...she could be in menopause....there are a ZILLION reasons for headaches....so let's not jump to conclusions and have her dying just yet.....

 

second... even if she is diagnosed with a brain tumor...i would not correlate it with her bad behavior over the past 31 years.....and at this point....if they remove a tumor and she returns to her "normal" behavior.....VBM could be in big trouble.....because what IS her normal behavior?

[Confused48]

The story told here reveals that Ann had a past EA.... she progressed to participating in video chat and pornography online with other men....She had a lesbian affair....all of this transpired without her husbands knowledge....and All of this happened BEFORE she had an affair with the OM.

 

Why are we discussing whether or not the OM was a predator? This woman was involved in infidelity LONG before she ever became involved with the OM.

 

So what?! Seriously. Because she has low morals, did some very bad things, that means she is fair game for any sexual predator out there? Yes it does mean she is at more risk to fall prey to them. It does not excuse their behavior.

 

Since she was a bad girl, now we can ignore the fact that a sexual predator got her in his sights? Like a story I read years ago, a sexually permissive, hot 20 something, wore a mini skirt into a bar full of drunken construction workers. They gang raped her. Oh, she had it coming, it was all her fault. No. It does not work like that.

 

The OM in this case is a rapist and sexual predator that took advantage of Mrs VBM. Not that she is blameless. But to say they are equally at fault really ignores the facts here.

[JohnAdams]

 

The OM in this case is a rapist and sexual predator that took advantage of Mrs VBM. Not that she is blameless. But to say they are equally at fault really ignores the facts here.

 

Mrs. VBM spread her legs for him willingly. Regardless of his poor character, and perhaps due to his poor character, what does it say of a woman who has sex with a man of such bad morals? While it seems to comfort VBM that the man she has an affair with has such low morals, overweight and small penis, it would worry me even more that she would have sex with such a low life character.

[Morro72]

We met with my wife's psychiatrist this morning. He gave us a referral to a neurologist. He wants a consult with the neurologist to rule out any physical issues. He did not say anything of the sort but of course I thought of some type of brain tumor immediately. She has been having severe headaches that have been going on since last year. Not really sure what if anything that means but we are both scared. He really would not say what he was looking for.

Under the circumstances a neurology consult is routine and I doubt that the psychiatrist suspects any specific physical problem.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So what?! Seriously. Because she has low morals, did some very bad things, that means she is fair game for any sexual predator out there? Yes it does mean she is at more risk to fall prey to them. It does not excuse their behavior.

 

Since she was a bad girl, now we can ignore the fact that a sexual predator got her in his sights? Like a story I read years ago, a sexually permissive, hot 20 something, wore a mini skirt into a bar full of drunken construction workers. They gang raped her. Oh, she had it coming, it was all her fault. No. It does not work like that.

 

The OM in this case is a rapist and sexual predator that took advantage of Mrs VBM. Not that she is blameless. But to say they are equally at fault really ignores the facts here.

 

WHAT?????? Did you read what you just wrote? ANN made the choice to MEET this so called Predator...he did not rape her...he did not force her....she WILLINGLY MET HIM TWICE...... she gave him oral sex and he came in her mouth!!!!! Mr. Predator's character is not on trial in this story....he is not MARRIED to VBM....ANN IS!!!!

 

She made the choice to cheat...he gave her the opportunity.

This woman in this story is not innocent ...she dabbled and played around in sexual ways behind her husbands back for YEARS....this was not happenstance.....this was a planned lifestyle.....she did not accidentally meet this man and fall into bed with him...

 

No they are not equally at fault.....SHE IS MORE AT FAULT...because she is the one MARRIED TO VBM!

 

Look...I have no vested interest in this story. I don't care if VBM kicks this woman to the curb or if he grovels at her feet the rest of his life. But lets call a spade a spade....lets stop defending a woman who is guilty......does she deserve forgiveness? That is up to VBM...he is the one who has to live with her and himself.......

 

But let's stop with this poor poor mrs vbm.......

Edited August 25, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[road]

Regardless of his poor character, and perhaps due to his poor character, what does it say of a woman who has sex with a man of such bad morals? ................. it would worry me even more that she would have sex with such a low life character.

 

 

 

All OM are low life characters.

 

 

So what do we say of all WW's and their characters?

 

 

They maybe were not lacking before or after though they were equally lacking during.

[Mrs. John Adams]

road....I totally agree with you

[road]

Whatever happened during an affair, no matter how bad the WW was, whatever she did it could of always of been worse.

 

 

Pointing out that a WW met with the OM two times is bad. To me that is no worse then the WW that met the OM once and agreed to meet the OM a 2nd time and the only reason the 2nd hook up never happened is that the OM canceled at the last moment.

 

 

What is important is what the WW is doing after D day. If the BH is happy with the way things are moving then he should continue to seek recovery. This BH wants to recover. This forum needs to support him in his goal.

 

 

There is the BH that on D day says my wife only did the OM 10 times, thank god it could of been worse.

 

 

Even if the number was 100 times, the BH can find comfort in thank god the OM did not knock up my WW. So as you all can see whatever went down could of always been worse.

 

 

Most BH's stay after an affair because there is too much history for them to pull the plug on the marriage. People here only focus on how the WW made things bad and can not see why the BH wants to stay.

[velvette]

We met with my wife's psychiatrist this morning. He gave us a referral to a neurologist. He wants a consult with the neurologist to rule out any physical issues. He did not say anything of the sort but of course I thought of some type of brain tumor immediately. She has been having severe headaches that have been going on since last year. Not really sure what if anything that means but we are both scared. He really would not say what he was looking for.

 

To answer some questions:

 

The rape does not excuse the choices she made but does explain her behavior to some extent. I'm at a loss to how to reconcile all that at the moment.

 

There was no lesbian affair, it was a drunken ONS. I could not care less about it in the scheme of things. The cam stuff really does not rise to the level of cheating either in my view. She was not paid, it was not prostitution. Her morals are obviously poor and not something that I thought I was married to but it's just not the same as having sex or falling in love with someone else. In the pecking order of what she has done wrong it's not even close to the top.

 

Some of you seem to be stuck on the fact that I see her as being taken advantage of or as a victim. She was no doubt but she still had to say "yes" at every step. I'm not excusing her behavior based on the fact the OM was a predator, but had he not been none of the cheating would have happened. It's just part of the equation that led to her cheating.

 

I've not been sleeping the past week and I'm exhausted today, very sorry I cannot respond to every post but I just don't have it in me. I have read everyone of them and tried to get something out of each of your viewpoints.

 

 

I wouldn't worry too much. That's pretty typical of what psychiatrists do because after all they are also medical doctors who don't really practice medicine per se. So for example, if you told them you're depressed, they would send you for blood tests to rule out thyroid or hormonal disorders, etc.

 

 

The headaches are probably stress related. If she had a brain tumor her behavior would likely be aberrant on all fronts.

 

 

If you continue to not be able to sleep, you might want to see your own doc for some temporary sleep aids or just try Benadryl. A doctor told me that's what he uses when he cant sleep. Less problematic than sleeping pills.

 

 

As for all the rest, I wouldn't try to make sense out of all of it until you see where her therapy goes. Like I told you before, if she applies herself and it is good therapy, you will see a changed person.

 

 

In some respects, it doesn't matter what has gone before. It is possible to start fresh with a healed wife, heal yourself and go forward without ever making sense of it all. Everything that she has done is tangled up with what happened to her as a child. Others don't want to recognize that, but if its true, it will be clear to you because you have the context of your whole lives to weigh it against. Don't let others make you question what you know.

 

 

Spend some time taking care of yourself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Whatever happened during an affair, no matter how bad the WW was, whatever she did it could of always of been worse.

I dont know what could be worse than spreading your legs for another man

 

 

Pointing out that a WW met with the OM two times is bad. To me that is no worse then the WW that met the OM once and agreed to meet the OM a 2nd time and the only reason the 2nd hook up never happened is that the OM canceled at the last moment.

one time...ten times....a hundred times...the bottom line is still the same....adultery is adultery...I am no better than Mrs vbm....I committed adultery

 

 

What is important is what the WW is doing after D day. If the BH is happy with the way things are moving then he should continue to seek recovery. This BH wants to recover. This forum needs to support him in his goal. This forum has supported VBM....I support VBM....I don't care what his choice is....whatever he thinks is best for him is the right answer. But I will point out to you that he is NOT happy.....he is struggling....he doesn't know what he feels or what he wants......and i don't believe he is being attacked for his decision in any way....the controversy is not his choice to stay with Ann....the controversy is that he believes the om to be a predator and he does not place proper blame on his WW.

 

 

There is the BH that on D day says my wife only did the OM 10 times, thank god it could of been worse.

 

 

Even if the number was 100 times, the BH can find comfort in thank god the OM did not knock up my WW. So as you all can see whatever went down could of always been worse.

 

 

Most BH's stay after an affair because there is too much history for them to pull the plug on the marriage. People here only focus on how the WW made things bad and can not see why the BH wants to stay.

Since i am a very fortunate FWW who has remained married to my BH for 43 years...I certainly know why a BH would choose to stay....

[velvette]

If she had these headaches but hasn't seen her Dr then the psychiatrist is obligated to recommend a visit to an appropriate doctor.

 

No need to jump to a conclusion when it is highly likely the stress that's causing her headaches.

 

 

She does seem to consistently have these dramatic situations come up which certainly takes the focus off of her past behavior and let's her off the hook again for providing you with the peace of mind you certainly deserve.

 

When does it stop with her? When does she begin to do the work to repair that damage she's caused to you?

 

When is it your turn to take care of yourself?

 

With her constant drama there's never time to fix what she's ruined. Seriously, it's always about her and never about you.

 

Aren't you tired of her roller coaster yet?

 

 

Really??? Your wife tells you she was raped as a child and all you are thinking about is how she can make you feel better?

 

 

What runs in your veins? Ice water?

 

 

Are you so clueless you think this is something she can get over/fix overnight?

 

 

I am starting to think that most people here simply cannot fathom or deal with how horrific what has happened to VBM's wife is and therefore come up with all this other crap to avoid the awful reality that VBM is dealing with.

 

 

This woman was raped as a child. VBM is living with the gaping wounds of that child in full view now. Wounds that were never healed because she did not know how or could not ask for help. She's getting help now. Do you really think she somehow set up the shrink sending her to a neurologist to create drama. That's ridiculous on its face.

 

 

VBM needs and should be encourage to take care of himself. But, I am guessing, his priority even above his marriage surviving is getting his wife the help she needs. That's what any decent human being would be thinking.

 

 

If you cant understand that, then maybe you need to think about whether you are truly supporting VBM with these kinds of comments.

[velvette]

Of course I understand that part of this equation. I don't appreciate you insinuating me being cold and unfeeling. So stop.

 

His wife obviously has serious issues only she can address. He can't fix it for her.

 

He needs to take care of himself. It may be a good idea to provide room and space for both of them. His wife has a ton of trauma to sift through. It's hers to do.

 

His support can be done from a little distance. He deserves some sanity in all this mess.

 

If anything he's being neglected. HIS needs have been overshadowed for a long time by her drama.

 

She needs to handle it. It's not his to do for her.

 

 

She is handling it in the way they agreed she would. She went to the psychiatrist. She will be going for a while. Its not an overnight thing.

 

 

VBM chose to go with her. His choice how involved he wants to be.

 

 

There is little sanity in this situation because having to deal with someone who was raped as a child is not a sane thing to begin with.

 

 

I agree VBM needs to find ways to take care of himself. His wife is ill equipped at this time to take care of him. She hasn't even really been able to take care of herself or she wouldn't be in this situation. Hopefully, that will gradually change as her therapy progresses.

 

 

And, sorry but I think it is unfeeling to suggest she created the recent drama of the appt to avoid attention on her recent behavior.

 

 

VBM will not be able to sort out his M for a while imo unless he just decides to walk away. There issues cant be resolved until she is a fully functioning partner and she wont be one until she has spent some time in therapy.

[velvette]

It could be years before she has the ability to focus outside of herself. That's if she faces her fears and trauma in counseling. Hopefully she will but it's a long process.

 

The support her is for VBM and my suggestion is for him to take care of himself first and her next; not the other way around.

 

He can still support her while looking out for his best interest. His well being should not be secondary.

 

I don't agree it will be years. Maybe if she were starting therapy without admitting what the problem was yes. But, if the therapist knows what the problem is and she isn't making progress in a month or so then it would be time to consider a different therapist.

 

 

In my experience, VBM will know if the therapy is working. She will change and he will see it. If he doesn't then, time to question whats going on....either the therapist is wrong or shes not putting the effort in.

 

 

We agree VBM should take care of himself. He is taking care of himself by supporting her because that's what he needs to do.

 

 

She's in the therapists hands now and he needs to look at how to take care of himself so he comes out of this in one piece as well. They have been through a stressful few weeks and clearly its taken a toll if hes not sleeping etc.

 

 

Perhaps some time away to himself would be good. Visit one of the kids or some other family member that would cater to him. Or even a weekend at the closest 5 star hotel just to veg, get a massage, lounge in the hot tub, order room service and watch movies. Whatever would help him decompress.

 

 

What I don't think is useful to him at this point is people continuing to rag on how horrible his wife is or how horrible what she has done is or even whether or not the OM is a predator etc. None of that matters right now.

 

 

It may matter later. But, for now whether or not they R is on hold. That's the choice VBM has made and people should respect that choice.

Edited August 25, 2015 by velvette

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't know the exact statistics....but i am willing to bet...that at least 50% of young girls are molested or raped...and in most cases by family members.

 

I am one of those victims....my daughter is one....my mother is one....my sister in law is one.....on and on

 

it is traumatic.....it is life changing....

 

in this story....Mrs. VBM is who she is....all of the events in her life helped to shape her.

 

Everyone here is very sympathetic....and we would all undo the hurt she suffered as a child. No one is unfeeling about the trauma she suffered.

 

Prisons are full of people who suffered pain as children....they committed crimes....rape, murder, robbery...etc. We understand that they may have done these horrific things because of the traumatic things that happened in their childhoods. But we still hold them accountable for what they have done.

 

In this story....Mrs. VBM is STILL responsible for her actions...regardless of

her background...regardless of her mindset.

 

She may have suffered great anguish as a child....but she has caused her husband to suffer great anguish by her actions. She is still responsible for that pain.

 

IF they choose as a couple to reconcile....

IF they choose to remain together...

There is a lot of work to be done individually and collectively.

 

Mrs. VBM....certainly needs IC....she has to sort through her trauma, and she has to take responsibility for what she has done....regardless of her past. We are not talking about a child.....she has been married 31 years...she has raised a family....

 

It is HER responsibility to help her husband heal from the wounds she has caused him...

 

Stop picturing an 8 year old rape victim and see a mature woman who made very bad choices....and is responsible for those choices.