Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[velvette]

Of course I understand that part of this equation. I don't appreciate you insinuating me being cold and unfeeling. So stop.

 

His wife obviously has serious issues only she can address. He can't fix it for her.

 

He needs to take care of himself. It may be a good idea to provide room and space for both of them. His wife has a ton of trauma to sift through. It's hers to do.

 

His support can be done from a little distance. He deserves some sanity in all this mess.

 

If anything he's being neglected. HIS needs have been overshadowed for a long time by her drama.

 

She needs to handle it. It's not his to do for her.

 

 

She is handling it in the way they agreed she would. She went to the psychiatrist. She will be going for a while. Its not an overnight thing.

 

 

VBM chose to go with her. His choice how involved he wants to be.

 

 

There is little sanity in this situation because having to deal with someone who was raped as a child is not a sane thing to begin with.

 

 

I agree VBM needs to find ways to take care of himself. His wife is ill equipped at this time to take care of him. She hasn't even really been able to take care of herself or she wouldn't be in this situation. Hopefully, that will gradually change as her therapy progresses.

 

 

And, sorry but I think it is unfeeling to suggest she created the recent drama of the appt to avoid attention on her recent behavior.

 

 

VBM will not be able to sort out his M for a while imo unless he just decides to walk away. There issues cant be resolved until she is a fully functioning partner and she wont be one until she has spent some time in therapy.

[S2B]

She is handling it in the way they agreed she would. She went to the psychiatrist. She will be going for a while. Its not an overnight thing.

 

 

VBM chose to go with her. His choice how involved he wants to be.

 

 

There is little sanity in this situation because having to deal with someone who was raped as a child is not a sane thing to begin with.

 

 

I agree VBM needs to find ways to take care of himself. His wife is ill equipped at this time to take care of him. She hasn't even really been able to take care of herself or she wouldn't be in this situation. Hopefully, that will gradually change as her therapy progresses.

 

 

And, sorry but I think it is unfeeling to suggest she created the recent drama of the appt to avoid attention on her recent behavior.

 

 

VBM will not be able to sort out his M for a while imo unless he just decides to walk away. There issues cant be resolved until she is a fully functioning partner and she wont be one until she has spent some time in therapy.

 

It could be years before she has the ability to focus outside of herself. That's if she faces her fears and trauma in counseling. Hopefully she will but it's a long process.

 

The support her is for VBM and my suggestion is for him to take care of himself first and her next; not the other way around.

 

He can still support her while looking out for his best interest. His well being should not be secondary.

[velvette]

It could be years before she has the ability to focus outside of herself. That's if she faces her fears and trauma in counseling. Hopefully she will but it's a long process.

 

The support her is for VBM and my suggestion is for him to take care of himself first and her next; not the other way around.

 

He can still support her while looking out for his best interest. His well being should not be secondary.

 

I don't agree it will be years. Maybe if she were starting therapy without admitting what the problem was yes. But, if the therapist knows what the problem is and she isn't making progress in a month or so then it would be time to consider a different therapist.

 

 

In my experience, VBM will know if the therapy is working. She will change and he will see it. If he doesn't then, time to question whats going on....either the therapist is wrong or shes not putting the effort in.

 

 

We agree VBM should take care of himself. He is taking care of himself by supporting her because that's what he needs to do.

 

 

She's in the therapists hands now and he needs to look at how to take care of himself so he comes out of this in one piece as well. They have been through a stressful few weeks and clearly its taken a toll if hes not sleeping etc.

 

 

Perhaps some time away to himself would be good. Visit one of the kids or some other family member that would cater to him. Or even a weekend at the closest 5 star hotel just to veg, get a massage, lounge in the hot tub, order room service and watch movies. Whatever would help him decompress.

 

 

What I don't think is useful to him at this point is people continuing to rag on how horrible his wife is or how horrible what she has done is or even whether or not the OM is a predator etc. None of that matters right now.

 

 

It may matter later. But, for now whether or not they R is on hold. That's the choice VBM has made and people should respect that choice.

Edited August 25, 2015 by velvette

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't know the exact statistics....but i am willing to bet...that at least 50% of young girls are molested or raped...and in most cases by family members.

 

I am one of those victims....my daughter is one....my mother is one....my sister in law is one.....on and on

 

it is traumatic.....it is life changing....

 

in this story....Mrs. VBM is who she is....all of the events in her life helped to shape her.

 

Everyone here is very sympathetic....and we would all undo the hurt she suffered as a child. No one is unfeeling about the trauma she suffered.

 

Prisons are full of people who suffered pain as children....they committed crimes....rape, murder, robbery...etc. We understand that they may have done these horrific things because of the traumatic things that happened in their childhoods. But we still hold them accountable for what they have done.

 

In this story....Mrs. VBM is STILL responsible for her actions...regardless of

her background...regardless of her mindset.

 

She may have suffered great anguish as a child....but she has caused her husband to suffer great anguish by her actions. She is still responsible for that pain.

 

IF they choose as a couple to reconcile....

IF they choose to remain together...

There is a lot of work to be done individually and collectively.

 

Mrs. VBM....certainly needs IC....she has to sort through her trauma, and she has to take responsibility for what she has done....regardless of her past. We are not talking about a child.....she has been married 31 years...she has raised a family....

 

It is HER responsibility to help her husband heal from the wounds she has caused him...

 

Stop picturing an 8 year old rape victim and see a mature woman who made very bad choices....and is responsible for those choices.

[autumnnight]

It could be years before she has the ability to focus outside of herself. That's if she faces her fears and trauma in counseling. Hopefully she will but it's a long process.

 

The support her is for VBM and my suggestion is for him to take care of himself first and her next; not the other way around.

 

He can still support her while looking out for his best interest. His well being should not be secondary.

 

Sometimes I fly for work, and the flight attendants ALWAYS remind everyone to put on their own oxygen masks first before assisting anyone else. There is a reason for that.

[VeryBrokenMan]

My wife did not create any drama with the neuro appointment the psychiatrist did. She did not even mention the headaches to him. That is where my mind went when he started talking about their being physical problems that can cause the type of behavior we have been seeing. Cancer is rampant in her family and one of her uncles have had brain tumors.

 

She did not create any drama around this and some here are focusing on her behavior a year ago. You have not been there for the past 365 days where she has been trying to do the right things to get us back on track. At some point to move forward I had to accept her poor choices with the understanding that it could never happen again. Or I could choose to divorce. I've chosen for now to stay together and really dwelling on what she is or is not is not really helpful. I see her for what she is, I've accepted that and I've trying to move forward. Believe me when I say I'm not rug sweeping or denying any of that she did or is.

 

Is she is a horrible person for choosing to do the things she did? Most people would say she is. But she also has many redeeming qualities and she wants to make this up to me like many here cannot believe. I know she is a broken person with deep childhood wounds and for now I'm going to stand by her and allow her to recover. Because that is the right thing to do. How hypocritical would it be for me to not extend the loyalty that I expected from her in her time of need? What would I tell our children about it? Sorry your mom has deep psychological problems but I'm dropping her like a hot potato?

 

No, in my view I must stand up like the strong adult man that I am and help her deal with this crisis. When she is mentally well and able to survive on her own then we can talk about how our future looks together. I think our society has forgotten as a whole what loyalty is and what doing the right thing means. My wife certainly forgot that but two wrongs don't make a right and I intend to carry myself in a manner that I will not ever have to be ashamed of. Just look at the Ashley Madison leak, there are 33 million people that for what ever reason don't see a need to remain loyal to their spouse. That is a disgusting commentary on what we have become, that commitment and marriage do not mean anything. I for one promised my wife to be their in sickness and in health and unlike her I took that oath seriously. She has earned a divorce, she has earned the lack of respect, she does not deserve anything else from me. Yet the right thing in this case is to be there for her and allow her to heal and I'm going to do the right thing.

[understand50]

Sometimes I fly for work, and the flight attendants ALWAYS remind everyone to put on their own oxygen masks first before assisting anyone else. There is a reason for that.

 

Well, of course, one must be in good health, mentally and physically, to help the other. Or in any case, to make it easier to help the other. VBM, seems to be in a good place, and I am sure he will make sure of Ann's well being and that of himself. From what I have read, things seem to be good most of the time, and that sounds like a average marriage. Time is what is needed for Ann's issues, and time will dull the "triggers" for VBM. I do not see the need for a "crisis" feeling here. In fact I would suggest that VBM continue the logical and clear path he started and maintained trough out this. My 2 cents.

 

VBM, has stated that everyone zeroing in on the rape is unproductive, as Ann has not used it as a excuse, but the rape did lead to the issue of wanting expose herself to strangers, this led to the web cam, then to the OM, who is a POS predictor, finally to the situation where she cheated. At no point, has VBM or Ann, said that she was not a willing participate, but she has owned here actions from the beginning. I think we need to move on from arguing that she did this under duress, but acknowledge that the lady in question has not asked for a pass on her conduct,

 

So we are left with "why", the age old question that every BS struggles with. Why did my loved one cheat on me, have sex with someone else? The short and only answer is "because when offered, they wanted to" They could have been weak, angry, drunk, you name it, they said yes, and proceed to have sex.

 

What is left, is what they do to make amends, show remorse, and what changes to they make to themselves, and their life so it will not happen again. This all they can do. What we as BS can do, is decide if we love them enough to forgive them and give them a second chance, or if their transgressions are of a sort, where we must leave. This is a individual choice, and can not be explained, also most as much as the WS's "why" can be. My wife, told be she cannot really explain "why" all she can do is regret her actions. I think Mrs. Adams, and Ann both would fall into this category.

 

VBM, hope things are better, and you are working on the "triggers". Things will get better with time. Hope Ann feels better. Headaches come from many things, and life threatening issues are the least things that it may be. In all, I think you deserve a good "Atta boy" for how you have handled everything

 

As always, I wish you and Ann luck and peace of mind.

[m.snow]

VBM

 

I'm glad your with your wife and helping her through all of this.

It's not just about loyalty its also about your vows for better or for worse. to be there for her for each other.

 

no matter what they say, to me you have a kind and generous heart. you inspire many of us.

 

Yes, as always two wrongs never make a right.

she made very bad choices in the past and i belief she is doing her best to make it up for it.

 

My prayers go to you and her. I hope you can have a long and beautiful life ahead.

 

there's always a rainbow after the rain.

Edited August 25, 2015 by m.snow

[understand50]

My wife did not create any drama with the neuro appointment the psychiatrist did. She did not even mention the headaches to him. That is where my mind went when he started talking about their being physical problems that can cause the type of behavior we have been seeing. Cancer is rampant in her family and one of her uncles have had brain tumors.

 

She did not create any drama around this and some here are focusing on her behavior a year ago. You have not been there for the past 365 days where she has been trying to do the right things to get us back on track. At some point to move forward I had to accept her poor choices with the understanding that it could never happen again. Or I could choose to divorce. I've chosen for now to stay together and really dwelling on what she is or is not is not really helpful. I see her for what she is, I've accepted that and I've trying to move forward. Believe me when I say I'm not rug sweeping or denying any of that she did or is.

 

Is she is a horrible person for choosing to do the things she did? Most people would say she is. But she also has many redeeming qualities and she wants to make this up to me like many here cannot believe. I know she is a broken person with deep childhood wounds and for now I'm going to stand by her and allow her to recover. Because that is the right thing to do. How hypocritical would it be for me to not extend the loyalty that I expected from her in her time of need? What would I tell our children about it? Sorry your mom has deep psychological problems but I'm dropping her like a hot potato?

 

No, in my view I must stand up like the strong adult man that I am and help her deal with this crisis. When she is mentally well and able to survive on her own then we can talk about how our future looks together. I think our society has forgotten as a whole what loyalty is and what doing the right thing means. My wife certainly forgot that but two wrongs don't make a right and I intend to carry myself in a manner that I will not ever have to be ashamed of. Just look at the Ashley Madison leak, there are 33 million people that for what ever reason don't see a need to remain loyal to their spouse. That is a disgusting commentary on what we have become, that commitment and marriage do not mean anything. I for one promised my wife to be their in sickness and in health and unlike her I took that oath seriously. She has earned a divorce, she has earned the lack of respect, she does not deserve anything else from me. Yet the right thing in this case is to be there for her and allow her to heal and I'm going to do the right thing.

 

VBM,

 

I posted before your above post, I for one applaud you. Vows really mean something when one keeps them when the worst happens. When it is hard to do, true character comes out. This shows the measure of a man. I, for one, believe you are doing the right thing, and I hope I would do the same as you under similar circumstances.

 

You are right in stating that Ann infidelity is only a part of her. I am sure there are many more things that you love and others can find that are positive. The question was asked, when does a WS redeem themselves, when do they raise above their past? Can they? I believe that the answer is YES, and you stand by them as they struggle to do so. As long as they struggle to do the right thing, and show remorse, one should support them. They redeem themselves, when their spouse, feels and knows that this will not happen again.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She cheated long before she met the pos predator.....

She cheated the first time she participated in sexual acts on camera behind her husbands back.

 

The OM is a horrible low life person...my OM is a horrible low life person....and I am his equal....not one bit better than he is. The difference between us ?...a husband that has forgiven me for what I did. My husband redeemed me. My OM gave me the opportunity to cheat....but I made the choice...I lowered myself...I turned my back on my husband and my family and my god..and I chose to crawl on my belly like the snake I became. Allow Ann to accept how vile she became...allow her to accept the responsibility for what she did....she needs to do that...so she never ever does it again. She has to accept the consequences of her behavior.....regardless of reasons or excuses.

 

in this story...vbm claims his wife is doing all that she can to heal him...to heal their marriage and to heal herself.

 

The issue for me is not him ...it is not ann...it is those here who seem to want to crucify the OM ...and he deserves it....but they want to excuse the vile behavior displayed by Ann. If she owns her behavior...she doesn't need anyone else to make excuses for her.

[autumnnight]

my OM is a horrible low life person....and I am was his equal

 

I had to fix that. One thing with which I will always disagree when it comes to infidelity is that someone who has repented and changed deserves a permanent stain.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are right...thank you for fixing that.

[understand50]

She cheated long before she met the pos predator.....

She cheated the first time she participated in sexual acts on camera behind her husbands back.

 

The OM is a horrible low life person...my OM is a horrible low life person....and I am his equal....not one bit better than he is. The difference between us ?...a husband that has forgiven me for what I did. My husband redeemed me. My OM gave me the opportunity to cheat....but I made the choice...I lowered myself...I turned my back on my husband and my family and my god..and I chose to crawl on my belly like the snake I became. Allow Ann to accept how vile she became...allow her to accept the responsibility for what she did....she needs to do that...so she never ever does it again. She has to accept the consequences of her behavior.....regardless of reasons or excuses.

 

in this story...vbm claims his wife is doing all that she can to heal him...to heal their marriage and to heal herself.

 

The issue for me is not him ...it is not ann...it is those here who seem to want to crucify the OM ...and he deserves it....but they want to excuse the vile behavior displayed by Ann. If she owns her behavior...she doesn't need anyone else to make excuses for her.

 

I disagree, no one is making excuses for her behavior. It is pretty bad. All that has been stated, is we have some idea of "why" she did what she did. A stronger person, could have risen above her past and not done what she did. She was not able to. She has excepted responsibility for her actions, and has stated via VBM she has no excuses.

 

As for crucifying the OM, he needs to be. He saw a vulnerable woman and took advantage of her. Of course, that is the "type" of man one will meet if you are on a web cam striping, so in the end it in on Ann as well. But, I would be for "Trading the OM for a yeller dog, and shoot the yeller dog" He is low. Again this does not let Ann off the hook for her free will in accepting sex from the OM, but the guy is a POS. A honorable man or woman, does not knowingly sleep with a married woman or man. I also believe that if one does violate their honor, honor can reclaimed through actions, and acknowledgement of the wrong doing. From what we know, he has done nether, but try and get in touch with her. No, he is predator, it is sad that his and Ann's life intersected. Would she had cheated with someone else? Quite probably, now that we know what she was doing and the danger she was placing herself in, but maybe not.

 

What VBM is going to do is stand by her and make sure of her well being. She, by VBM statements, is doing everything expected to make amends. If we are to recognize that there can be reconciliation from infidelity, our true attention must be on the future. Is her actions from D-day, and her actions

on trying to fix herself and life good enough to allow for a second chance? That is for VBM to decide.

 

You seem to be down on Ann. I have a lot of respect for your guts, compassion, and advise. You and John are examples of a long term reconciliation. I have a question. What would you advise Ann? What more should she be doing? If you were Ann, what would you do? I do not ask this to disrespect you, as I think you have a valuable take on the situation. I have sited both you and John on other posts, when people have asked if reconciliation is possible, and I am glad you and John are back to give your opinions.

 

Myself, I would advise her to work on getting herself "well" and leading a moral life. She should also thank God each day she is married to VBM, and that he is standing by her.

 

My 2 cents.

[eric1]

Out of curiosity, if she is doing everything that she can... did you ever get an explanation for the photograph that you found on her phone?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am not down on ann....and I apologize if that is the tone of my posts. I live in a glass house...I don't throw stones. I am not judging her....she and I are the same.....we cheated on our husbands. I am no better than she is...she is no worse than I am.

 

You ask what advice I would give her in addition to the things she has already done....I would agree with the advice you have given and I would add.... As long as she owns it...as long as she puts the needs of her husband first...and as long as she tells the whole and complete truth and does not trickle truth or rug sweep...reconciliation may be possible.

 

I have already stated...most of my issues on this thread are the other posters.

[understand50]

I am not down on ann....and I apologize if that is the tone of my posts. I live in a glass house...I don't throw stones. I am not judging her....she and I are the same.....we cheated on our husbands. I am no better than she is...she is no worse than I am.

 

You ask what advice I would give her in addition to the things she has already done....I would agree with the advice you have given and I would add.... As long as she owns it...as long as she puts the needs of her husband first...and as long as she tells the whole and complete truth and does not trickle truth or rug sweep...reconciliation may be possible.

 

I have already stated...most of my issues on this thread are the other posters.

 

Thanks, Never I hope with me.

 

Yes, I agree, All that you have stated is the only way reconciliation can be possible.

 

Mrs Adams, please do not beat up yourself, as your husband has forgiven you and you have led a moral life, own that as well. In fact, that should be the large story of your life and marriage. Your one slip, should not and doesn't define you. Because of what you have lived trough, you are able to call BS on others. Throw the bricks, sometimes they need to fly. Who better then you?

 

I wish John and you luck.

Edited August 25, 2015 by understand50

[SpokenFor]

A few things:

 

VBM -- standing by and helping someone you love is almost always the right thing to do. You know yourself, inside and out, and none of us can know you any better. You are not displaying weakness or rug-sweeping , etc, and even though you have full knowledge that there are depths to Ann's psyche that you cannot know or may never know, you love her and are doing your best for her.

 

You acknowledge that maybe you cannot stay married to her -- that's enough for me to know that you are doing this with a level of self-awareness and balance that works. Best wishes, let us know if you have anything you want to discuss with us!

 

To the others: I get that most of you have been badly hurt by infidelity. Yeah, me too. I carry the scars and my current wife understands that I will react to certain things certain ways because of those scars. I work at limiting that emotional spillover because while she accepts it as part of who I am, I feel like I should continue to learn to heal and manage the residual aches and pains.

 

Still, please stop with this "As soon as they take one step away from perfection they are garbage"!! That's just not so -- everyone has flaws, and some of those flaws ended up scarring you for life. Got it, most of you (like me) realized we had to leave that situation for our own sake, and did. The person you left is not irrevocably broken, may have healed themselves for that matter, but you moved on.

[bigman1]

I agree with Mrs. JA. I don't think that Mrs. JA is condemning herself, rather, she was owning who she was as a person and a spouse. She then acknowledges what she had to do to change those realities.

 

Mrs. VBM has to own her stuff and VBM has to let her. She can be both victim and perpetrator.

 

Until VBM stop treating his wife like a victim, she can never work out their issues. Since the very beginning, he has been her apologist. Then we find out that the first versions were not the truth and still, he's her apologist. She has only done the wrong that others or situations made her do. While he claims that she owns her role, the problem is that he does not seem to let her.

 

VBM will never get to know the real Anne (I guess that's her name) nor will he ever get to know if their relationship can thrive in the real world, so long as he tries to shield himself from facing facing her truth, or continues to treat her as a victim, or continues to see her in an image that conforms to his view of who she is as a person and what she is as a partner, or who shields her from the full truth of what she has done and what needs to be done to fix it.

 

The problem won't be her, it will be him. I'm not blaming him for standing by his wife, I'm saying that the paternalistic approach that he his taking does more harm than good. In this story, if she is owning it 100%, then he needs to let her own it 100%. If she says, "I was a horrible person", he can't say, "no, you had your reasons." Right now, he claims that she is trying to work on the wrongs done to her and the wrongs that she did to him and he is saying, "No, don't worry about me now, let's focus on you." That is a problem or a problem in the making.

[SSJROMANCE]

I dated a woman for 8 years. We were pretty much married by law. She was suicidal and tried many times to kill herself. She was very jealous of other women talking to me so my life was closed off to the world in many ways. That last year she was driving my new sports car to school. My parents were helping her pay for college. I was working and we were living together so I paid for everything else. She had it good and I treated her fairly considering her restrictions she placed on me.

 

There were many times while dating her that I could have cheated on her but I never did. I was committed to her through thick and thin. But something changed in her one day. We started not to get alone. She started staying late at school. She left to see her mom for a few days but after being gone for two weeks I called and said she could come and move her stuff out. She threw everything away and I only suspected at the time she had met another guy. Even still that didn't make sense.

 

Many years later I finally got closure. I contacted her and asked her what happened. She said she started wondering what life would be like outside of "us". She met a old classmate and started having an "affair". Just as I suspected.

 

Moral of the story is sometimes I guess women are willing to throw everything away for the chance for something new. Needless to say her life hasn't been perfect - divorced twice and still crazy as hell.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with Mrs. JA. I don't think that Mrs. JA is condemning herself, rather, she was owning who she was as a person and a spouse. She then acknowledges what she had to do to change those realities.

 

Mrs. VBM has to own her stuff and VBM has to let her. She can be both victim and perpetrator.

 

Until VBM stop treating his wife like a victim, she can never work out their issues. Since the very beginning, he has been her apologist. Then we find out that the first versions were not the truth and still, he's her apologist. She has only done the wrong that others or situations made her do. While he claims that she owns her role, the problem is that he does not seem to let her.

 

VBM will never get to know the real Anne (I guess that's her name) nor will he ever get to know if their relationship can thrive in the real world, so long as he tries to shield himself from facing facing her truth, or continues to treat her as a victim, or continues to see her in an image that conforms to his view of who she is as a person and what she is as a partner, or who shields her from the full truth of what she has done and what needs to be done to fix it.

 

The problem won't be her, it will be him. I'm not blaming him for standing by his wife, I'm saying that the paternalistic approach that he his taking does more harm than good. In this story, if she is owning it 100%, then he needs to let her own it 100%. If she says, "I was a horrible person", he can't say, "no, you had your reasons." Right now, he claims that she is trying to work on the wrongs done to her and the wrongs that she did to him and he is saying, "No, don't worry about me now, let's focus on you." That is a problem or a problem in the making.

 

 

THIS IS SPOT ON AND PERFECT....you said EXACTLY what i have been trying to say.....

 

My husband....loved me through the good and the bad....and he treated me with respect and kindness....but he also allowed me to carry MY blame. Not once have i ever heard my husband take ANY responsibility for my choice to cheat...not once did he allow me to blame anyone else for my choice to cheat....i had to be responsible for my choice....and even though he hates the om and holds him accountable....he holds ME responsible for my choice to betray him. While he would give his life for me and he shields and protects me....this betrayal is 100% on me.....and he hurts when he sees me hurt...but it was my decision.

 

I have lived a wonderful life...and i am so very richly blessed...but i have done my part to deserve his forgiveness.....and that my friends is the bottom line.

 

You must do the work.....and it is so very very hard....but so worth it.

[Horton]

He doesn't seem at all concerned with her EA, her lesbian ONS, her amateur stripping or her cam shows so I think it's safe to say that nobody is gonna convince him to hold her feet to the fire, especially now that she's revealed her childhood traumas to him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree Horton....sad really...because his behavior could be the key here that unlocks healing.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Out of curiosity, if she is doing everything that she can... did you ever get an explanation for the photograph that you found on her phone?

 

Yes, she took the picture wanting to share it with someone, anyone really, but pulled back from doing it. That is the moment she realized she needed to come clean about her problem. She met with her IC the next day and talked at length about it as they had been doing for months. They both decided that now was the time to tell me and a few days later we met with her IC and my wife told me all about it her ongoing issues, the rape, etc. Her IC said it took my wife months to open up about any of it even with her.

[understand50]

Yes, she took the picture wanting to share it with someone, anyone really, but pulled back from doing it. That is the moment she realized she needed to come clean about her problem. She met with her IC the next day and talked at length about it as they had been doing for months. They both decided that now was the time to tell me and a few days later we met with her IC and my wife told me all about it her ongoing issues, the rape, etc. Her IC said it took my wife months to open up about any of it even with her.

 

VBM,

 

I think you wife is doing find under the circumstances. What this was was fire, and it was on the feet.

 

I do not know what else she could do.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I agree with Mrs. JA. I don't think that Mrs. JA is condemning herself, rather, she was owning who she was as a person and a spouse. She then acknowledges what she had to do to change those realities.

 

Mrs. VBM has to own her stuff and VBM has to let her. She can be both victim and perpetrator.

 

Until VBM stop treating his wife like a victim, she can never work out their issues. Since the very beginning, he has been her apologist. Then we find out that the first versions were not the truth and still, he's her apologist. She has only done the wrong that others or situations made her do. While he claims that she owns her role, the problem is that he does not seem to let her.

 

VBM will never get to know the real Anne (I guess that's her name) nor will he ever get to know if their relationship can thrive in the real world, so long as he tries to shield himself from facing facing her truth, or continues to treat her as a victim, or continues to see her in an image that conforms to his view of who she is as a person and what she is as a partner, or who shields her from the full truth of what she has done and what needs to be done to fix it.

 

The problem won't be her, it will be him. I'm not blaming him for standing by his wife, I'm saying that the paternalistic approach that he his taking does more harm than good. In this story, if she is owning it 100%, then he needs to let her own it 100%. If she says, "I was a horrible person", he can't say, "no, you had your reasons." Right now, he claims that she is trying to work on the wrongs done to her and the wrongs that she did to him and he is saying, "No, don't worry about me now, let's focus on you." That is a problem or a problem in the making.

 

That's really not whats happening at all. I set certain expectations on dday and she had been meeting those expectations. You cannot go from dday to full disclosure in days or even months. It takes time for a cheater to fully grasp what they have done and what they need to do to mend things. They have to come to terms with all their crap first.

 

I do not see her as a victim. I see us both as victims. Some might say I am the victim of her childhood rapist. Or I am the victim of an aggressive OM. Or I am the victim of my wife's choices. But I refuse to accept the label of victim. I'm going to not only survive but thrive after this, either with or without her. I have said all along, she can choose to remain in my life by her actions. So who does that leave for me to see as a victim if I refuse to be one? My wife of course but I can also see so clearly that she also made choices as an adult woman that should not have been made. Were those choices shaded or encouraged by a rapist or aggressive OM? Of course they were.