Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Mrs. John Adams]

Do you think in the future she'll trip and fall on the penis of the OM?

 

Seriously? How constructive was that? No I don't think she will be anywhere near it...and if she is...he should run not walk to the divorce lawyer.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Vbm....I knew right after I went into the other mans bed...that I had just done the most selfish thing in the world. As a matter of fact...one of the things I said to my husband was...I did it for me. Yep...that's exactly why I did it. It was the most selfish thing I have ever done...and totally against my character.

 

Have you both read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair? It is what helped the both of us to verbalized what we were feeling.

 

You can download it free. It is 95 pages long. It doesn't work for everyone...but it certainly helped us.

[mikethemechanic]

Seriously? How constructive was that? No I don't think she will be anywhere near it...and if she is...he should run not walk to the divorce lawyer.

 

But what if her fingers dial the OM's cellphone number?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Very glad you have made a decision one way or another. The items that I bolded are the items that I have written about several times that worry me about your wife. Please see my comments below each item. These items have me wondering why your wife can so quickly claim that her O/M is no big deal in such a short time. These are the items that trouble me the most and why you need to protect yourself. Your strongest at the time of confrontation, she may agree to demands for reconciliation now that she won't agree to later, use that information to your advantage. Have your lawyer put your terms of reconciliation into your post nuptial agreement, you can defend these terms if you divorce because of a new infidelity. One thing I learned about adultery, infidelity kills love, you really have to put the work in to keep it alive.

 

 

I mean I have to be tested for STD’s (incredulous)

There are so many things in this ****ed up situation and of course I have to do everything. You know. I have no say unless I just walk away.

 

"She is absolutely fishing for his reaction, she is asking him to step up and ask her to leave you for him."

She was very embarrassed to be a married women and having to go get tested for STD's. But she did it and never complained to me about it and made she I got the written lab results. She told me so many times how stupid she was for not using protection. She never lied about that.

 

I really doubt she was asking him to step up. The affair lasted for 84 days from first contact to the day I gave her the ultimatum. They had sex twice (confirmed) about 30 days before the ultimatum. Financially I don't see how she could have even been thinking about leaving me for him as a possibility because her standard of living would have drastically changed.

 

 

He has always been obsessed with me. Always.

 

"This is her way of telling O/M that she has control over you and will do the necessary damage control."

She did not mean that type of obsession. She has never had much control over me, I've done my own thing most of our marriage (and I admit that may be a problem.). She meant that I've always treated her like a princess by my own choosing and I think that is the way it should be. She has not had some magical controlling power over me that I did not let her have.

 

I’m not sorry about (pause) which speaks to part of the problem is.

That I’m not really sorry I did this because you came to mean so

much to me.

 

And I'm not sorry we had this relationship, I'm sorry that I got caught

 

"This one is self explanatory, where is the remorse?"

This one hurts more than any other. But it was 2 days after her world has come crashing down. She was under intense pressure and she knew I had divorce papers ready. I doubt many WW's show much remorse just two days after being caught as they are in shock. But yeah I agree, the "sorry because I got caught" speaks volumes about the selfishness and entitlement she feels. But that has all changed and she knows that thinking will not be tolerated going forward.

 

I’d live in a cardboard box if I could escape all this right now

 

"Fishing again, she is again giving O/M a chance to step up and ask her to run off with him."

This one I totally disagree with. I think she is in shock and did not want to deal with the pain she caused herself and me. She rarely saw me cry before this, maybe once or twice for a couple of sobs. But I think when she saw my emotional meltdown after the initial confrontation after she admitted details of the things I'd known for a month an a half she really got the damage she had done to me and our marriage. She was shocked and in shock that day and the day after and for weeks really.

 

So I agree all those things she said are bad. But I have to place myself in her position to understand where they are coming from. She was in shock at getting caught. Her world as she knew it was ending. She knew how much pain she had caused me. She was still in the affair fog. To me all those things she said are part of the crime but they do not make the crime worse. Telling another man you love him and letting him place his penis in her vagina is the crime. And I already knew all that when the call was made. All the call does is tell me more about what her thought process was.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Vbm....I knew right after I went into the other mans bed...that I had just done the most selfish thing in the world. As a matter of fact...one of the things I said to my husband was...I did it for me. Yep...that's exactly why I did it. It was the most selfish thing I have ever done...and totally against my character.

She has said almost the same words to me several times now.

 

Have you both read the book how to help your spouse heal fro

m your affair? It is what helped the both of us to verbalized what we were feeling.

 

You can download it free. It is 95 pages long. It doesn't work for everyone...but it certainly helped us.

That was one of the first books we bought. Thanks.

[VeryBrokenMan]

But what if her fingers dial the OM's cellphone number?

 

It's divorce and she knows it. It's her call to make.

[aliveagain]

She has said almost the same words to me several times now.

 

That was one of the first books we bought. Thanks.

 

Unfortunately that didn't stop her from going back for more and each time she did more planning and lying about her whereabouts was required. The only thing I am really trying to say here friend(we have all been where you are, some a little further along) is reconciliation may be absolutely the right thing for the two of you, just don't do it blindly, protect yourself and make her do the work. Every wayward/ former wayward spouse can tell you that infidelity is not who they really are but yet they still did what they did to the person they vowed to protect, they gave their word and than broke it. You are in the same marriage yet somehow you kept your vows, your word stands. I am truly glad that you are going to give her another chance but do it in a way that makes you feel safe.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Unfortunately that didn't stop her from going back for more and each time she did more planning and lying about her whereabouts was required. The only thing I am really trying to say here friend(we have all been where you are, some a little further along) is reconciliation may be absolutely the right thing for the two of you, just don't do it blindly, protect yourself and make her do the work. Every wayward/ former wayward spouse can tell you that infidelity is not who they really are but yet they still did what they did to the person they vowed to protect, they gave their word and than broke it. You are in the same marriage yet somehow you kept your vows, your word stands. I am truly glad that you are going to give her another chance but do it in a way that makes you feel safe.

 

Thanks, that is great advise and advise I'm trying to follow.

[mikethemechanic]

Yes I understand why ww didn't use the condom since it seemed like such as waist but what I failed to understand is how you can blindly trust. there was a study called the McDonald's curve what was learned from that study is that smell triggers happy memories and keeps you going back for more burgers.another study found that wine stores increased their sales of wine by 77% just by playing French music we don't know what other triggers that could cause more affairs what we do know is your wife's proclivity to trickery and to be sneaky.it seems to me that in the face of reason you choose not to follow it.The question is why do you choose-to trust her?

[Mrs. John Adams]

But what if her fingers dial the OM's cellphone number?

 

If she calls the OM...I would also divorce her.

 

Look if she is serious....if she wants to keep her husband...she will become...and it sounds to me like she has....an open book.

 

If she tries to hide something..if she tries to get I touch with the OM...she is not serious about the reconciliation and he may as well divorce her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes I understand why ww didn't use the condom since it seemed like such as waist but what I failed to understand is how you can blindly trust. there was a study called the McDonald's curve what was learned from that study is that smell triggers happy memories and keeps you going back for more burgers.another study found that wine stores increased their sales of wine by 77% just by playing French music we don't know what other triggers that could cause more affairs what we do know is your wife's proclivity to trickery and to be sneaky.it seems to me that in the face of reason you choose not to follow it.The question is why do you choose-to trust her?

 

Mike...you are assuming an awful lot about this woman and what makes her tick. From my own personal experience...there is nothing that triggers me to think back to the OM...or desire the OM....or want to contact the OM. The only time I trigger about the OM...is when my husband triggers and I see the hurt in his face...and then I think about the OM and how I would like to kill him. You see he got off Scott free. He was single...and nothing ever happened to him. As a matter of fact I am quite certain I was one of hundreds if not thousands of women he did this too. Conquest and conquer.....another notch in the bedpost.

 

This man is not blindly trusting his ww. He is not trusting her at all. It has only been three months. He is hoping....hoping she is being truthful, hoping, she is being faithful, hoping above all else...that she will never hurt him again. Trust comes way down the road...if ever.

[mikethemechanic]

Mike...you are assuming an awful lot about this woman and what makes her tick. From my own personal experience...there is nothing that triggers me to think back to the OM...or desire the OM....or want to contact the OM. The only time I trigger about the OM...is when my husband triggers and I see the hurt in his face...and then I think about the OM and how I would like to kill him. You see he got off Scott free. He was single...and nothing ever happened to him. As a matter of fact I am quite certain I was one of hundreds if not thousands of women he did this too. Conquest and conquer.....another notch in the bedpost.

 

This man is not blindly trusting his ww. He is not trusting her at all. It has only been three months. He is hoping....hoping she is being truthful, hoping, she is being faithful, hoping above all else...that she will never hurt him again. Trust comes way down the road...if ever.

I guess that's how it all started with your hands on his throat-squeezing the life out of him and then resuscitating him with your mouth.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I guess that's how it all started with your hands on his throat-squeezing the life out of him and then resuscitating him with your mouth.

 

I can tell you are bitter about your situation and I've been there before all this. That is how I've lived in the past.

 

But now I choose to live my life differently and I'm choosing not to be angry and bitter. Even before this I have seen what happens when you hang on to those feelings and I saw that I was just hurting myself, it makes no difference to the offender.

 

I've read that holding on to grievances for the affair is like drinking poison and expecting your wife to die. I choose not to drink the poison. It's up to her if she wants to join me in the rest of my adventure. We had a great life and we can have a great life again. But to join me she has to be transpartent the rest of our lives. She has to put me first. She has to lose the entitlement and selfishness. I won't and can't tolerate any of that any more. If she does that I can heal and forgive her. And forgiveness is not for her but for me so I don't die an angry bitter man.

[mikethemechanic]

I can tell you are bitter about your situation and I've been there before all this. That is how I've lived in the past.

 

But now I choose to live my life differently and I'm choosing not to be angry and bitter. Even before this I have seen what happens when you hang on to those feelings and I saw that I was just hurting myself, it makes no difference to the offender.

 

I've read that holding on to grievances for the affair is like drinking poison and expecting your wife to die. I choose not to drink the poison. It's up to her if she wants to join me in the rest of my adventure. We had a great life and we can have a great life again. But to join me she has to be transpartent the rest of our lives. She has to put me first. She has to lose the entitlement and selfishness. I won't and can't tolerate any of that any more. If she does that I can heal and forgive her. And forgiveness is not for her but for me so I don't die an angry bitter man.

 

Okay good luck and I hope you have a great relationship with your wife just remember that if this happens again I have the right to spank you. Farewell

[Seachan]

I can tell you are bitter about your situation and I've been there before all this. That is how I've lived in the past.

 

But now I choose to live my life differently and I'm choosing not to be angry and bitter. Even before this I have seen what happens when you hang on to those feelings and I saw that I was just hurting myself, it makes no difference to the offender.

 

I've read that holding on to grievances for the affair is like drinking poison and expecting your wife to die. I choose not to drink the poison. It's up to her if she wants to join me in the rest of my adventure. We had a great life and we can have a great life again. But to join me she has to be transpartent the rest of our lives. She has to put me first. She has to lose the entitlement and selfishness. I won't and can't tolerate any of that any more. If she does that I can heal and forgive her. And forgiveness is not for her but for me so I don't die an angry bitter man.

 

VBM,

My understanding is that the anger phase hits *hard* at 6 months or so. Right now you might still be in shock and survival - hysterical bonding - mode. Probably still full of adrenaline so you feel little pain.

 

Take care of yourself. The road to healing is treacherous and replete with ups and downs.

[beach]

I can tell you are bitter about your situation and I've been there before all this. That is how I've lived in the past.

 

But now I choose to live my life differently and I'm choosing not to be angry and bitter. Even before this I have seen what happens when you hang on to those feelings and I saw that I was just hurting myself, it makes no difference to the offender.

 

I've read that holding on to grievances for the affair is like drinking poison and expecting your wife to die. I choose not to drink the poison. It's up to her if she wants to join me in the rest of my adventure. We had a great life and we can have a great life again. But to join me she has to be transpartent the rest of our lives. She has to put me first. She has to lose the entitlement and selfishness. I won't and can't tolerate any of that any more. If she does that I can heal and forgive her. And forgiveness is not for her but for me so I don't die an angry bitter man.

 

Your last paragraph stands out to me.

 

There's is no value in holding on to anger. It only harms the angry one. But there is a big difference in looking at the cause of that origination of the anger and dealing with THAT feeling and the cause of it. THEN moving forward - and that's a whole lot different than rug sweeping in order to avoid more conflict just to carry on.

 

 

The marriage you knew prior (you said it was a great life) does NOT any longer exist because she ruined it. It wasn't what you thought it was because she's made it all a lie by cheating and lying to you.

 

What becomes of your NEW marriage is based upon how much damage she intends to repair by getting/being honest and faithful moving forward. Her intent is everything!

 

You intend to forgive (and pretty easily I might add) but don't assume yet what she intends to do or not do.

 

The state of what will be has yet to be determined.

 

Look out for YOUR best interest with eyes wide open.

 

Let go of the old marriage and see IF it's possible to build a new and improved relationship.

 

As a side note - being so quick to forgive and impose few consequences tends to allow the cheater to think it's no big deal if they do it again - but that's just frommy extensive experience with broken marriages and ones that heal and ones that fail.

 

Honor yourself. That will help you to be less angry. She has her own stuff to deal with and work through... Hopefully she will work through her selfish and narcissistic tendencies.

[Spectre]

I get that the OP is all about choice, but all I have to say is you are CHOOSING to lie to yourself about this matter. I don't know what else to say except I hope in the end it all works out for you. If you can't see the writing on the wall by now then you never will, so I guess I just have to hope everything works out.

[TMCM]

As a side note - being so quick to forgive and impose few consequences tends to allow the cheater to think it's no big deal if they do it again - but that's just frommy extensive experience with broken marriages and ones that heal and ones that fail.

 

Forgiveness comes from breaking free of the resentment and desire for punishment And in no way removes reasonable consequences for the transgression such as divorce or reconcile with zero tolerance for future violations. This type of forgiveness is truly is a gift to oneself.

Edited February 1, 2015 by TMCM

[FireandIce007]

It's only a matter of time before she goes back to him. She's addicted to this man, once the dust settles between you both she'll return to him and get better at covering up her tracks.

[mikethemechanic]

It's only a matter of time before she goes back to him. She's addicted to this man, once the dust settles between you both she'll return to him and get better at covering up her tracks.

you're right money won't change things it only makes it worse after ww has had all the trips to the hair salon, shopping, margaritas with your girlfriends the loneliness comes back in. I think that his wife is sorry that she hurt her husband and she's probably angry at who she has become and hasn't come to grips with that yet but sooner or later she'll come out of the closet.

WW will become much more savvy in the art of camouflage.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Forgiveness comes from breaking free of the resentment and desire for punishment And in no way removes reasonable consequences for the transgression such as divorce or reconcile with zero tolerance for future violations. This type of forgiveness is truly is a gift to oneself.

 

This is absolutely true. Why waste energy on hate and bitterness, life is too short for that.

[Sticky Fingers]

No postnupt agreement?

[VeryBrokenMan]

So today is 6 months from the first time they had phone sex and 4 months from the ultimatum. And I'm just updating everyone about our situation and thought I'd share some tips of things that I think have helped so far.

 

We stopped seeing the IC's about three weeks ago at my request. I wanted to let the emotions die on both sides. It's really helped both of us and the last few conversations we've had have been very productive. We may start seeing the IC's again at some point but right now it's not on the radar.

 

I've gotten to the point in the last few weeks where I don't think about her affair constantly like I have for the last few months. I slept last night a full 7 hours and that's becoming normal, the last few months it's been 2 to 3 hours.

 

She has done some things that I believe are showing true remorse. Our youngest son who is a poor college student had left some used motor oil containers next to our house after he changed the oil in his truck. Normally I would have heard about it until the son cleaned the mess up or until I did it but she asked me for some gloves and cleaned up the mess herself. It was a dirty job and she just stepped in and did it.

 

She has done many things the past couple of months like that. Another example is she is vigilent every night to my sleep patterns. Several times I've been awake during the night and she wakes up to talk to me and comfort me. She asks me repeatedly to wake her up any time I'm having trouble and I've not done that so she wakes herself up to check on me several times a night. She is getting very little sleep but has never complained.

 

There are many other things too. She has left me little love notes and small gifts. She tells me all the time (and from the heart) that she is very sorry for the pain she has caused me. She often compliments me or what I'm wearing. She rubs my back every night to help me relax so I can get to sleep. She calls to check on me at the office several times a day to see if I'm OK. She has enrolled in classes to get her real estate license and says we can use her future income for what I want. She texts me and sends me pictures of where she is and what she is doing. Any time her time schedule changes she has let me know. She tells me daily that she has been N/C and will tell me right away if the OM contacts her. She has totally stopped using FB and stopped reading romance novels. She has raked the OM over the coals at times and does not seem to have a very high opinion of him anymore and I believe what she is saying from the tone of her voice.

 

The sex has been amazing the past month or so, she initiates all the time now which never happened before. We have talked more about what we like in the past couple of months than in the previous 20 years. She likes some things that I had no idea about before and the same goes for me. Overall I think we both feel like our sex life was good pre-affair and now it's even better.

 

I think one of the big things that we did right was to let out all our anger and sadness early on. The first couple of months after DDay was torture. I never held back and she took all of it. About a month ago there was not anything left, it was all out. And the upside is that I'm not feeling anger or much sadness anymore. The thought of them together does not bother me much either. I think because we went over the sex escapades many times with a lot of detail. The reality was tame to what I thought initially. I found when those movies popped into my head I could picture him with a tiny penis or limp or wearing pink panties and a bra and that helped a lot. He never really made me jealous at all so that was relatively easy to get past.

 

I've asked every question I can think of about the affair multiple times and the story never changes so I feel like I'm getting the truth, especially since the truth is not sugar coated at times. She has been willing to answer everything about the sex, the conversations, what she was feeling at any given time. There are no secrets.

 

I've accepted the affair happened and I feel like I can get past it if we continue down this road. She see's how selfish she has been even prior to the affair and she is working to see how entitled she is. I've made it clear that those things have to change and she get's it.

 

For my part I'm trying to show her love and affection like nothing happened like I want our relationship to be in the future. I separate that from the times I just have to let it out and she understands I have to do that. She often tells me just to let it rip and tell me what I need to say. She does not get defensive and just takes it and agrees.

 

I hope everyone has a good weekend and can find peace.

[jm2013]

VBM, I'm glad you found your peace. Hang in there. I wish you and your wife the best and hope you two are able to authentically reconcile and beat those odds that are stacked against you.

[DKT3]

So today is 6 months from the first time they had phone sex and 4 months from the ultimatum. And I'm just updating everyone about our situation and thought I'd share some tips of things that I think have helped so far.

 

We stopped seeing the IC's about three weeks ago at my request. I wanted to let the emotions die on both sides. It's really helped both of us and the last few conversations we've had have been very productive. We may start seeing the IC's again at some point but right now it's not on the radar.

 

I've gotten to the point in the last few weeks where I don't think about her affair constantly like I have for the last few months. I slept last night a full 7 hours and that's becoming normal, the last few months it's been 2 to 3 hours.

 

She has done some things that I believe are showing true remorse. Our youngest son who is a poor college student had left some used motor oil containers next to our house after he changed the oil in his truck. Normally I would have heard about it until the son cleaned the mess up or until I did it but she asked me for some gloves and cleaned up the mess herself. It was a dirty job and she just stepped in and did it.

 

She has done many things the past couple of months like that. Another example is she is vigilent every night to my sleep patterns. Several times I've been awake during the night and she wakes up to talk to me and comfort me. She asks me repeatedly to wake her up any time I'm having trouble and I've not done that so she wakes herself up to check on me several times a night. She is getting very little sleep but has never complained.

 

There are many other things too. She has left me little love notes and small gifts. She tells me all the time (and from the heart) that she is very sorry for the pain she has caused me. She often compliments me or what I'm wearing. She rubs my back every night to help me relax so I can get to sleep. She calls to check on me at the office several times a day to see if I'm OK. She has enrolled in classes to get her real estate license and says we can use her future income for what I want. She texts me and sends me pictures of where she is and what she is doing. Any time her time schedule changes she has let me know. She tells me daily that she has been N/C and will tell me right away if the OM contacts her. She has totally stopped using FB and stopped reading romance novels. She has raked the OM over the coals at times and does not seem to have a very high opinion of him anymore and I believe what she is saying from the tone of her voice.

 

The sex has been amazing the past month or so, she initiates all the time now which never happened before. We have talked more about what we like in the past couple of months than in the previous 20 years. She likes some things that I had no idea about before and the same goes for me. Overall I think we both feel like our sex life was good pre-affair and now it's even better.

 

I think one of the big things that we did right was to let out all our anger and sadness early on. The first couple of months after DDay was torture. I never held back and she took all of it. About a month ago there was not anything left, it was all out. And the upside is that I'm not feeling anger or much sadness anymore. The thought of them together does not bother me much either. I think because we went over the sex escapades many times with a lot of detail. The reality was tame to what I thought initially. I found when those movies popped into my head I could picture him with a tiny penis or limp or wearing pink panties and a bra and that helped a lot. He never really made me jealous at all so that was relatively easy to get past.

 

I've asked every question I can think of about the affair multiple times and the story never changes so I feel like I'm getting the truth, especially since the truth is not sugar coated at times. She has been willing to answer everything about the sex, the conversations, what she was feeling at any given time. There are no secrets.

 

I've accepted the affair happened and I feel like I can get past it if we continue down this road. She see's how selfish she has been even prior to the affair and she is working to see how entitled she is. I've made it clear that those things have to change and she get's it.

 

For my part I'm trying to show her love and affection like nothing happened like I want our relationship to be in the future. I separate that from the times I just have to let it out and she understands I have to do that. She often tells me just to let it rip and tell me what I need to say. She does not get defensive and just takes it and agrees.

 

I hope everyone has a good weekend and can find peace.

 

As a fellow BH, I'm not for a second suggesting the affair was your fault. Yet I can't help but notice something that happen (concerning you) that was similar in my situation, communication. Amazing what you can find out about a woman that you've lived with for so long when you ask. Amazing how open she becomes. It sucks that it took an affair to get there.

 

Good luck