Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

Yeah, I don't think "living like it never happened" has ever been a recommendation, successful approach or even feasible. That's where I sat up and lurched. It happened.

 

We are still talking about the affair in depth and often. But all other times I'm living the life I want. As I said me being angry and negative toward her does not punish her much at all and it really just hurts me. So whats the point?

[VeryBrokenMan]

It takes a very big and kind hearted person to forgive an affair . OP, you seem well balanced in your approach and your wife seems truly remorseful.

 

Well done on the progress you've made and I hope it continues to go well.

 

Thank you!

 

I have been very successful and feel like I've had a good life because of my character. I treat people with kindness and consideration. That does not mean I'm a pushover or doormat, just honest and fair. I've been treated poorly by my wife yes, but she see's that now and she tells me it's going to be different. She has shown me by her actions it's going to be different. She fully gets she is being judged every day on those actions. How many of us want to be judged based on our worst choice we ever made? How many of us want to be defined by that choice? I choose to give her that chance to prove herself. Then if it does not work so be it. It's on her to make it happen.

 

Look guys, up until the affair I would call my marriage very satisfying. My wife is a beautiful and fit woman that has so many qualities that are so outstanding. Sex has been off the charts good for both of us. I know her OM pursued her with everything he had. She still made the choice but he was the aggressor. I see how guys spin their heads around when she walks in some place, that has been my reality for a long time. I have seen how much attention she gets from men wherever she is. She is my age but she get's carded buying liquor she looks that young. She has been stopped for speeding many times and she has never gotten a ticket. And that beautiful woman that get's so much attention says she want's me and that she is deeply sorry. How could any man give that up without at least trying?

 

I feel like I can forgive this because of all those other things that make us great together. I love her and I lust after her. She want's to save things because she see's all that too. She is willing to sign any post-nup I give her and she has said that over and over. She says she wants me not the money. We've already talked about how we would divide the assets of the marriage and she doesn't want anything if we divorce. She said she is willing to sign anything in that regard. My attorney has advised me that anything we setup that was not equitable would be very hard to defend in court so I've not done it. But she does not know that and I think that's pretty good proof where her heart lies.

[BetrayedH]

Just stay vigilant, dude (for a long time). You sound so much like I did that it's scary. And my wife said all the same crap.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Just stay vigilant, dude (for a long time). You sound so much like I did that it's scary. And my wife said all the same crap.

 

My eyes are wide open. Thanks.

[Buckeye2]

It sounds like you’re in a good place.

 

She did walk all over me and our marriage. That relationship is dead and in the new relationship I come first. I'm not saying I come first forever, but for now that is what I expect. Maybe it's not healthy but I've put her first for so long I feel like I can ask for that for a while and she is more than willing.

 

My wife is a beautiful and fit woman that has so many qualities that are so outstanding. Sex has been off the charts good for both of us.

 

At this stage I would think of your wife as a beautiful mistress that you have known for years. You deserve to have fun but protect your heart.

[mikethemechanic]

Thank you!

 

I have been very successful and feel like I've had a good life because of my character. I treat people with kindness and consideration. That does not mean I'm a pushover or doormat, just honest and fair. I've been treated poorly by my wife yes, but she see's that now and she tells me it's going to be different. She has shown me by her actions it's going to be different. She fully gets she is being judged every day on those actions. How many of us want to be judged based on our worst choice we ever made? How many of us want to be defined by that choice? I choose to give her that chance to prove herself. Then if it does not work so be it. It's on her to make it happen.

 

Look guys, up until the affair I would call my marriage very satisfying. My wife is a beautiful and fit woman that has so many qualities that are so outstanding. Sex has been off the charts good for both of us. I know her OM pursued her with everything he had. She still made the choice but he was the aggressor. I see how guys spin their heads around when she walks in some place, that has been my reality for a long time. I have seen how much attention she gets from men wherever she is. She is my age but she get's carded buying liquor she looks that young. She has been stopped for speeding many times and she has never gotten a ticket. And that beautiful woman that get's so much attention says she want's me and that she is deeply sorry. How could any man give that up without at least trying?

 

I feel like I can forgive this because of all those other things that make us great together. I love her and I lust after her. She want's to save things because she see's all that too. She is willing to sign any post-nup I give her and she has said that over and over. She says she wants me not the money. We've already talked about how we would divide the assets of the marriage and she doesn't want anything if we divorce. She said she is willing to sign anything in that regard. My attorney has advised me that anything we setup that was not equitable would be very hard to defend in court so I've not done it. But she does not know that and I think that's pretty good proof where her heart lies.

You have no integrity in my books. Deceit is self-evident making excuses for your wife that she had an affair because she was so beautiful. Blaming the other man for the affair, as for that traffic tickets yeah I could see that your wife doesn't get traffic violation tickets after all she lacks integrity.

 

I believe you are the same way most people when they get pulled over for speeding they naturally assume that they are guilty and deserving of the speeding ticket you and your wife on the other hand are different. This is what I believe when you get pulled over for speeding you give an exaggerated far-fetched excuse for speeding instead of taking ticket.

 

When you are late for work the excuse is the bridge was on fire this is why I'm late or if the project was not completed the excuse would be the dog ate my papers I'm saying this literally.

 

In my books you have zero credibility as a matter of fact I believe that your wife is having conversations with the om and you're making excuses stating that OM calls her because she is a real head turner.

[sandylee1]

V BMW

 

Ignore the negativity. The bitterness from some really isn't helpful and you continue doing what's working for you. No one is without sin.

[Confused48]

She is willing to sign any post-nup I give her and she has said that over and over. She says she wants me not the money. We've already talked about how we would divide the assets of the marriage and she doesn't want anything if we divorce. She said she is willing to sign anything in that regard. My attorney has advised me that anything we setup that was not equitable would be very hard to defend in court so I've not done it. But she does not know that and I think that's pretty good proof where her heart lies.

 

She has been proven to be able to lie to you about much more important things than money. So I think she is bluffing, thinks you will not ask for a prenup, and/or knows that they are unenforceable if not equitable. Anyone that's talked to a lawyer about a prenup knows that.

 

So call her bluff. No, don't ask for a prenup bc that is worthless in your sitch. Ask for a divorce, where she gets nothing. Let her know you fully intend to live as if there were no divorce, you just want it bc a prenup is worthless. You can then watch how fast she lawyers up and asks for the max from you in the divorce.

 

Or maybe she will give it to you as promised. In which case you can keep her and know that she is with you for the right reasons. And if she cheats again, you will have your divorce all settled and be able to walk the same day you find out. Unless you go for a divorce you will never know the truth.

[aliveagain]

Thank you!

 

I have been very successful and feel like I've had a good life because of my character. I treat people with kindness and consideration. That does not mean I'm a pushover or doormat, just honest and fair. I've been treated poorly by my wife yes, but she see's that now and she tells me it's going to be different. She has shown me by her actions it's going to be different. She fully gets she is being judged every day on those actions. How many of us want to be judged based on our worst choice we ever made? How many of us want to be defined by that choice? I choose to give her that chance to prove herself. Then if it does not work so be it. It's on her to make it happen.

 

Look guys, up until the affair I would call my marriage very satisfying. My wife is a beautiful and fit woman that has so many qualities that are so outstanding. Sex has been off the charts good for both of us. I know her OM pursued her with everything he had. She still made the choice but he was the aggressor. I see how guys spin their heads around when she walks in some place, that has been my reality for a long time. I have seen how much attention she gets from men wherever she is. She is my age but she get's carded buying liquor she looks that young. She has been stopped for speeding many times and she has never gotten a ticket. And that beautiful woman that get's so much attention says she want's me and that she is deeply sorry. How could any man give that up without at least trying?

 

I feel like I can forgive this because of all those other things that make us great together. I love her and I lust after her. She want's to save things because she see's all that too. She is willing to sign any post-nup I give her and she has said that over and over. She says she wants me not the money. We've already talked about how we would divide the assets of the marriage and she doesn't want anything if we divorce. She said she is willing to sign anything in that regard. My attorney has advised me that anything we setup that was not equitable would be very hard to defend in court so I've not done it. But she does not know that and I think that's pretty good proof where her heart lies.

 

Just do it, it will cost her money in Court to prove how defendable it is. This is about future deterrents, once you've crossed the infidelity line it's easier to do it a second time because you've already fought your demons the first time you cheated. She may not be so agreeable about signing when she's not fighting to save her way of life. Don't pass up this opportunity to put in place a very strong deterrent. If a promise or her vows aren't enough to keep her faithful perhaps a financial consequence will be.

Edited February 19, 2015 by aliveagain

[mikethemechanic]

It would serve you well to look at psychopathy and traffic violations on Google scholar since the bad behavior is manifested through a large and dangerous tool or car. This behavior is no different than stealing or truancy.your wife has exhibited strong indications of a lack of remorse and deceit when she told the om she would still contact him behind your back.

The fact that your wife flirts with an officer to get out of a crime speaks of glibness and artificial charm. Your wife is not going to pursue any relationship with the officer her intent is to manipulate him.

The greatest indication of antisocial behavior is that ww is proud that she successfully manipulated an officer of the law. Just as she is proud of herself for manipulating you.

[HereNorThere]

Just keep in mind, you really know very little about this person. I think it's great that you want to forgive, but don't let there be an absolutes in your mind. There's a really good chance this wasn't her first affair, just the one she got caught in. Please, whatever you do, don't give her the benefit of the doubt. She's already demonstrated that there is a whole side of her life and personality that you are not allowed into. I know it's super hard for you to admit to yourself, but it's a hard, cold fact of your life now.

 

And you can't really blame anyone for thinking your wife is evil because what she did and continued to do was a rather evil thing. Since we are our actions, by default, she was pretty evil. The phone calls you overheard were real and that's how she really feels. You seem to think she can change, but these type of changes happen over years with intensive therapy. Please don't fool yourself into thinking she could change overnight. This isn't something she did, it's part of who she is as a person.

 

Take care OP and put yourself first. Committing adultery even one time puts you in a higher risk group for doing it again. Now that you have demonstrated that there really are no tangible consequences, there is a high likely hood that once you let your guard down, she'll continue to live her other life. After all, she didn't chose to be with you over the other man, she chose to be with you over being alone. There's a huge difference between the choices and likely, she pines for OM with a raging fire because it was left open-ended. You would probably have more hope if he had accepted her proposal for a relationship with him. I think him turning her down probably only compounds the obsession.

 

Logically, I know you aren't going to listen to us just yet, but hopefully the seed of doubt has been placed in your mind and you were start picking up on all these psychological clues she's leaving you. I think you're still in a bit of shock and just grasping onto any hope that it may not be true.

Edited February 19, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Oberfeldwebel]

I'll be the first to admit you guys are right if down the line she cheats again. I get it that R is not for many of you and I get that many of you have tried and failed. But how about you cut me some slack and let me fail?

 

If every time I post here I get bombarded with "She is evil and you should divorce her" talk what good is this site? Maybe some people choose differently for their lives than you did. That's OK.

 

Firstly, you own no one on here anything. There is no way that you can describe the complexity of a relationship in a few paragraphs. I won't tell you to divorce, only you can make that decision. Additionally, I believe that most relationships can be saved if both people put in the effort to make it work. You know your wife better than anyone here, and only you are on the one to suffer the consequences if you are wrong.

 

Personally, I attempted reconciliation 3 times, which ultimately failed. However, I don't regret attempting reconciliation as I can say that I gave it my all. Yes, my course of action probably caused me more pain, but I have no regrets. If your wife is putting in the effort, then by all means, give it a go. I wish you and your family the best.

 

PS: You are also allowed to ignore certain advice. I know some of my brethren can be a little tough sometimes, but most of them actually have your best interest at heart.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Anatomy of the affair: here is how my wife's affair unfolded. This was something I typed up for myself to make sense of it all.

 

About 4 years ago I confronted my wife about how she treated me and took me for granted. I did not now all the terms and issues then but her treatment of me stemmed from her sense of entitlement and selfishness in our relationship. She is a very selfless individual in her dealings with others but just the opposite in our relationship. She took this as an attack and I’m not sure we ever recovered as a couple. We have talked about that confrontation at length and she now admits she was totally wrong and see’s how she has treated me. She also understands what I was trying to tell her then was not an attack, I was trying to repair our relationship.

 

About two years ago she got a Kindle. She has always been a big reader but the past 18 months she has read over 450 romance and erotica titles on her Kindle. Many were titles like “Shades of Gray” and some BDSM. We both believe that this led to a disconnect from reality and to her dissatisfaction with me. She has completely stopped reading any of these titles since.

 

Also about two years ago she lost her mother who was very overbearing and strict about “being a good girl” throughout her life. I was also not very supportive previous to her mother death and have not been sympathetic after. She had become addicted to Facebook during this time as a means to escape the pressures of dealing with a dying parent with little support from me.

 

So the past fours years we have both been drifting through each others lives. We have had regular sex and like being around each other but there has not been any spark since I confronted her about the way she treats me. Neither one of us was making a huge effort to connect and anytime I made the effort it seemed like it was dismissed so I rarely tried.

 

In late summer last year the husband of a Facebook friend messages my wife and wishes her a happy birthday. She had met this man at a previous engagement about two years before but had little interaction. He had only “liked” some posts previous to the Happy Birthday wish.

 

They exchange FB messages the first week a few times. He gets her cell number and they exchange 101 texts the first day. He calls her the next day and they talk for 61 minutes.

 

Two days later they talk for 82 minutes. She admits to flirting and leading him on but never thought it would lead anywhere. Basically she has always been a flirt and he called her on it. Three days later he calls her and they talk for 64 minutes. She says he is laying it on thick. He calls the next day and the next and they talk for 41 minutes and then 39 minutes.

 

Another 5 days go by and her calls and they talk for 69 minutes. She says she is completely engrossed in the attention at this point. He tells he repeatedly that he wants her.

 

Two days later he calls and they have phone sex. She says she does not orgasm but pretends to. She says she knows it is wrong and she has already crossed the line. She sends him naked pictures and to this day does not understand why she was so stupid. She feels liked it snowballed and got out of hand but it was new and exciting and she loved the attention.

 

Then 6 days later he calls and she agrees to meet him the next day at a empty house that was for sale. She says she just wanted to talk and meet him again. I pressed her that she had already had phone sex, he said he wanted her. I told her she is not admitting to herself that she intended to have sex. She says sex was not her intention that day and she thought she could control the situation but it may have happened later anyway.

 

So after 7 phone calls and 4.5 hours of talking and about 300 hundred FB and text messages they meet and have sex. She has given me all the details on several occasions and they do not change. He starts kissing her as soon as he walks in, she resists for a minute but gives in and they have sex in the empty house. No protection was used. She tells me she was flustered and just wanted to get home afterwards. She tells me she pretended to orgasm to get it over with. I asked her if she had resisted if he would have raped her. She says she was not afraid of that at the time but now see’s how stupid it was and how it could have happened.

 

Two days later she googles “How to delete my Facebook page”. I know she wanted out of the situation at this point from this alone.

 

Then 6 days later they talk for 26 minutes and texting drops off to almost nothing. The next day they talk for 12 minutes, three days later for 53 minutes, three days after that for 55 minutes, two days later 31 minutes.

 

Five days later they meet for sex at a motel. Details the same as the first time. She says the sex was terrible the first time and has no idea why she wanted to repeat it. Sex was even worse the next time. I know exactly what she likes and does not and based on the details he made every mistake in the book, so I do believe that the sex was terrible for her. She admits that it was new and exciting but other than that it did nothing for her. She feels like she just wanted to give him sex so he would keep telling her nice things about herself. She feels like she was addicted to the attention. I know by the candidness that all of this is the truth and she has agreed to take a polygraph.

 

One thing that really hurts is she never stopped having sex with me during this time period potentially exposing me to all his diseases. But I know that is just one more amazingly selfish thing she did. She says she does not know what she was thinking, just that she felt he would not pass something along to her but knows now how stupid that thinking was.

 

Two days later I confront her but do not let her know I know but I’m very emotional and I tell her she is breaking my heart. She had become very secretive of her phone and would often go to the bathroom to text with him. I ask to use her phone as she is leaving the room and she freaks out. I calmly ask if she is having an affair and she denies it. The next day she tells me she does not cheat because of what she believes and who she is.

 

The next day she googles “Boob job cost”. She says she was thinking about doing this for me. I’m certain it was because she was thinking about a life without me at this point and being back in the dating pool.

 

The affair continues and four weeks pass as the PI I hired tracks the progress and I start making plans to divorce. She can’t go to the bathroom without me knowing what she is doing at this point. There is little communication between them except for texts. Mostly flirting and not making any plans to meet so I let it go on. I’m numb and in denial during this period. I have contacted a divorce attorney and he is taking steps to prepare the papers.

 

The morning of the ultimatum I had seen texts from the week before indicating they might be getting together again. I text her to give her one last chance to confess and she denies it. I drive home and ask for her cell phone. I know she has talked to him for about an hour that morning and the call is still there.

 

I was prepared and fully expecting her to be moving out that day. I gave her a very passionate kiss when I walked in as I also expected that was going to be the last time I ever kissed her. I confront her with the facts and let her know the divorce papers are ready. I feel sure she will choose to divorce and I’m stunned when she says she wants to work it out. She tells me how sorry she is. We talk for a couple of hours and then text the OM and tell him not to contact her ever again. He does not respond.

 

Two days later I feel bad(SO Fing stupid of me) and I let her call the OM and tell him goodbye and to get closure. My PI is able to listen in and gives me the transcript. It's not good and some of the things she said are very damaging and we are still working though them. She says she was trying to let him down easy in that call and that she had tried to end it before that. I tend to believe this because the OM was not in her league and she has a very kind heart. He certainly has not had much success in life other than picking up women. He just knew the right things to say and was aggressive when they met. There was never a great physical attraction and she tells me she never even thinks about him. She does not feel like she really loved him given the fact she so easily gave him up.

 

Since that day she has been N/C with the OM. She has made some mistakes at first but I think is making a valiant effort to tell me anything I ask with 100% of the truth.

Edited March 5, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan

[sandylee1]

Wow. V BMW, I just read this. It's very moving. I hope reconciliation continues to go well for you.

[road]

Her story shows her to be the same as many other WW's before her. They love the attention. That want more. So the put out to keep getting more attention.

[aliveagain]

You get to live with the aftermath regardless of how much pain you have to endure just to keep her in your life. All this apparently for some bad unprotected sex. Guess it was worth the cost for whatever attention she got. You can report him to your real estate board you know, he broke a lot of boundaries, his licence is at risk.

[bigman1]

VBM,

 

Good luck to you on your reconciliation path. As you make this journey, you will need to face some hard truths of your own. I have seen your other thread about whether they would cheat if they knew how much pain it would cause. It is a good thread, but I offer a word of caution.

 

The hard truth that you will have to accept is that a wayward (not just your wife) is selfish and they realized the wrong that they were doing which is why they hid it, lied about it and try to minimize details. It is hard to face that truth about someone that you love. In short, you are going to have to be prepared to REJECT any notion that this was "out of character" or the result of a predatory AP, or that they were weak or taken advantage of, or lost or anything else. The harsh reality is that infidelity is a deliberate and malicious act.

 

The reasons that a spouse chooses to engage in this type of act vary, but in your desire to reconcile, you have to see the ugly, brutal truth. In so doing, you will not rush to trust, you will not rush to forgive, you will not rug sweep, you will be on guard for false R, for them taking it deep underground, and all other things that will ruin your chances. Also, you will have to resist the urge to put your feelings on the back bumper because they are "struggling" or dealing with a lot. They have to fix themselves and help you. It is indeed a hard road for all.

 

Never make an excuse for her for any behavior. While I don't think a wayward deserves their marriage anymore, that is not to say that they cannot earn a second chance. But they gotta earn it the hard way. While I would not make the choice that you have, I respect your choice to give things a shot before walking away from 31 years. Good luck and godspeed.

[mikethemechanic]

Can you give us a little bit of the physical description of him was he tall was he short with nice hair just a little bit of a physical description please they say that we all have love maps.

[HereNorThere]

Can you give us a little bit of the physical description of him was he tall was he short with nice hair just a little bit of a physical description please they say that we all have love maps.

 

 

 

Yes Mike, he was a tall, burly fellow, with broad shoulders and stiff upper lip that could make toes curl. He wore plaid flannel, kinda like the brawny paper towel guy, but less of the Burt Reynolds with a creepy mustache vibe. Kinda like a Bruce Willis in Die Hard, but bigger, more square jawed and foresty. Soft, delicate facial features hidden under a 5 o'clock shadow, that just screamed "I'm Alpha" He smelled of old spice cologne and burned wood. Not burned wood you would smell in a fireplace, more like the smell of a charred oak barrel of 8 to 16 year aged Kentucky Burbon. His hands were rough and dark from working in the coal mines, but his touch was as soft as a rose pedal.

 

And don't even get me started on those abs. One time I used them to gently scrub my silk sheets because I was afraid the washer would ruin them.

[mikethemechanic]

Yes Mike, he was a tall, burly fellow, with broad shoulders and stiff upper lip that could make toes curl. He wore plaid flannel, kinda like the brawny paper towel guy, but less of the Burt Reynolds with a creepy mustache vibe. Kinda like a Bruce Willis in Die Hard, but bigger, more square jawed and foresty. Soft, delicate facial features hidden under a 5 o'clock shadow, that just screamed "I'm Alpha" He smelled of old spice cologne and burned wood. Not burned wood you would smell in a fireplace, more like the smell of a charred oak barrel of 8 to 16 year aged Kentucky Burbon. His hands were rough and dark from working in the coal mines, but his touch was as soft as a rose pedal.

 

And don't even get me started on those abs. One time I used them to gently scrub my silk sheets because I was afraid the washer would ruin them.

What's your point? Everyone has a love map, sure heck she went and found him and is on the prowl again because that is who she is. I remember when I worked at the drunk tank every weekend the same ones would be back promising to never return because they were going to quit drinking and there was always some libtard who constantly reminded them after the 50th arrest to make a conscience decision to stop drinking the only one who didn't believe them was me because cut that **** out after the first time.

Edited March 6, 2015 by mikethemechanic

[HereNorThere]

What's your point? Everyone has a love map, sure heck she went and found him and is on the prowl again because that is who she is. I remember when I worked at the drunk tank every weekend the same ones would be back promising to never return because they were going to quit drinking and there was always some libtard who constantly reminded them after the 50th arrest to make a conscience decision to stop drinking the only one who didn't believe them was me because cut that **** out after the first time.

 

Sorry, just thought Id make you laugh. Didn't mean to offend you.

[mikethemechanic]

Sorry, just thought Id make you laugh. Didn't mean to offend you.

You didn't offend me I was talking to the betrayed husband who say that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Two days later she googles “How to delete my Facebook page”. I know she wanted out of the situation at this point from this alone.

Five days later they meet for sex at a motel.

The affair continues and four weeks pass as the PI I hired tracks the progress and I start making plans to divorce.

 

VBM, how can you be smart enough to put that entire chronology together and dumb enough to ignore everything it tells you ???

 

She wanted out? But then slept with him for another month?

 

You're a cheater's dream, you even make their excuses for them. I think the stress of this whole ordeal has put you in denial, tough place to be from a decision-making standpoint. I think you've chosen a very difficult path but wish you well as you take the steps...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

I feel like I can forgive this because of all those other things that make us great together. I love her and I lust after her. She want's to save things because she see's all that too. She is willing to sign any post-nup I give her and she has said that over and over. She says she wants me not the money. We've already talked about how we would divide the assets of the marriage and she doesn't want anything if we divorce. She said she is willing to sign anything in that regard. My attorney has advised me that anything we setup that was not equitable would be very hard to defend in court so I've not done it. But she does not know that and I think that's pretty good proof where her heart lies.

 

You should still have her sign an agreement signing everything over to you should you divorce.

 

Attempting to reconcile is admirable of you - protecting yourself at this point in the event a D does happen is the only smart thing and should be done ASAP while she's still offering.

 

Hurry.

[HereNorThere]

The google search for "how to delete my Facebook" was probably there because google doesnt auto-suggest/fill out "how do I delete my facebook so that my husband doesn't figure out I'm cheating"