Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Spectre]

You get to live with the aftermath regardless of how much pain you have to endure just to keep her in your life. All this apparently for some bad unprotected sex. Guess it was worth the cost for whatever attention she got. You can report him to your real estate board you know, he broke a lot of boundaries, his licence is at risk.

 

Ah yes, did she claim the sex was "bad"? Right, her word on that is trustworthy. Oh and unprotected sex? Wow, OP, why do you want to stay with trash that goes out and bangs a guy and can't even be bothered to use protection?

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM,

 

Good luck to you on your reconciliation path. As you make this journey, you will need to face some hard truths of your own. I have seen your other thread about whether they would cheat if they knew how much pain it would cause. It is a good thread, but I offer a word of caution.

 

The hard truth that you will have to accept is that a wayward (not just your wife) is selfish and they realized the wrong that they were doing which is why they hid it, lied about it and try to minimize details. It is hard to face that truth about someone that you love. In short, you are going to have to be prepared to REJECT any notion that this was "out of character" or the result of a predatory AP, or that they were weak or taken advantage of, or lost or anything else. The harsh reality is that infidelity is a deliberate and malicious act.

 

The reasons that a spouse chooses to engage in this type of act vary, but in your desire to reconcile, you have to see the ugly, brutal truth. In so doing, you will not rush to trust, you will not rush to forgive, you will not rug sweep, you will be on guard for false R, for them taking it deep underground, and all other things that will ruin your chances. Also, you will have to resist the urge to put your feelings on the back bumper because they are "struggling" or dealing with a lot. They have to fix themselves and help you. It is indeed a hard road for all.

 

Never make an excuse for her for any behavior. While I don't think a wayward deserves their marriage anymore, that is not to say that they cannot earn a second chance. But they gotta earn it the hard way. While I would not make the choice that you have, I respect your choice to give things a shot before walking away from 31 years. Good luck and godspeed.

 

 

Thank you.

 

Your description sums up almost verbatim to how I'm moving forward.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Can you give us a little bit of the physical description of him was he tall was he short with nice hair just a little bit of a physical description please they say that we all have love maps.

 

Nothing special. I felt no jealousy at any point in all this. Slightly shorter than I am, but very weak and overweight with a huge beer belly, tiny dick (saw the pics) and she confirmed, probably average to less than average looks. About 10 years younger than I am.

 

A player and he played the "bad boy" perfectly and my wife has a thing for that type. A very smooth talker with a "radio voice" and has worked on knowing the right things to say to move things along.

 

Not successful at all in life, no money or assets and I would have considered him pond scum even before the affair. I started out poor and on my own at 17 and I have no respect for any man in their 40's that have nothing to show for their life's work, it tells you the type of person they are. The fact that he aggressively went after a married women on Facebook out of the blue tells me the rest.

[Spectre]

Not successful at all in life, no money or assets and I would have considered him pond scum even before the affair. I started out poor and on my own at 17 and I have no respect for any man in their 40's that have nothing to show for their life's work, it tells you the type of person they are. The fact that he aggressively went after a married women on Facebook out of the blue tells me the rest.

 

So what does the fact your wife went for this pond scum tell you about HER? Also, don't try to pass blame here. He "aggressively" went after a married woman? Your wife screwed this guy, he didn't force her. She could of ignored his FB messages, she did not.

 

Look, it takes two to tango, that is obvious. But don't demonize him as some guy on the prowl for vulnerable women on FB. Your wife is an adult, not a child. He went after her..she LET him. That makes her look far worse then this other guy. This is why I can't shake the feeling this will all end badly. You're still kind of defending your wife, even if you aren't coming out directly and saying it.

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM, how can you be smart enough to put that entire chronology together and dumb enough to ignore everything it tells you ???

 

She wanted out? But then slept with him for another month?

 

You're a cheater's dream, you even make their excuses for them. I think the stress of this whole ordeal has put you in denial, tough place to be from a decision-making standpoint. I think you've chosen a very difficult path but wish you well as you take the steps...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

They had sex twice, both times before the initial confrontation. I'm not in denial at all or making excuses. I've simply weighed the facts and I'm willing to see where this goes. Maybe in October I'll feel differently. Thanks for your wishes.

[Spectre]

Why are you willing to see where it goes? Why is a woman who would get with, in your own words, pond scum, worth that?

[VeryBrokenMan]

The google search for "how to delete my Facebook" was probably there because google doesnt auto-suggest/fill out "how do I delete my facebook so that my husband doesn't figure out I'm cheating"

 

It was a link to the page on facebook on "how to delete my facebook page"

[VeryBrokenMan]

Ah yes, did she claim the sex was "bad"? Right, her word on that is trustworthy. Oh and unprotected sex? Wow, OP, why do you want to stay with trash that goes out and bangs a guy and can't even be bothered to use protection?

 

She is willing to take a polygraph to prove all these statements to me.

 

You characterize her as trash. I see her as my beautiful sexy wife of 31 years that made a tragic mistake once and is willing to go to extraordinary lengths to repair the wrong. I'm willing to give it a year to see if we can make it work.

[Rainbowlove]

You characterize her as trash. I see her as my beautiful sexy wife of 31 years that made a tragic mistake once and is willing to go to extraordinary lengths to repair the wrong. I'm willing to give it a year to see if we can make it work.

 

You keep seeing it however you need to see it.

 

Don't feed off of someone else's inability to forgive or move forward in their life.

 

You don't have to justify forgiveness or for wanting to move forward.

 

You know your wife better than anyone on a advice forum. Don't you?

[Spectre]

She is willing to take a polygraph to prove all these statements to me.

 

You characterize her as trash. I see her as my beautiful sexy wife of 31 years that made a tragic mistake once and is willing to go to extraordinary lengths to repair the wrong. I'm willing to give it a year to see if we can make it work.

 

She made a choice, not a tragic mistake, and those 31 years of marriage should of been 31 more reasons for her not to do this.

[VeryBrokenMan]

So what does the fact your wife went for this pond scum tell you about HER? Also, don't try to pass blame here. He "aggressively" went after a married woman? Your wife screwed this guy, he didn't force her. She could of ignored his FB messages, she did not.

 

Look, it takes two to tango, that is obvious. But don't demonize him as some guy on the prowl for vulnerable women on FB. Your wife is an adult, not a child. He went after her..she LET him. That makes her look far worse then this other guy. This is why I can't shake the feeling this will all end badly. You're still kind of defending your wife, even if you aren't coming out directly and saying it.

 

I fully understand that she was totally at fault for not saying no. And she fully gets that too. She has not once blamed him at all. But had he not contacted her and been so aggressive she would have never gone out looking for it. She has said ask me that on the polygraph. So the process starts with the pond scum but the totally responsibility lies with her not stopping it and she gets that. Believe me, the hate she feels for herself right now is sincere and deep.

[VeryBrokenMan]

She made a choice, not a tragic mistake, and those 31 years of marriage should of been 31 more reasons for her not to do this.

 

You are absolutely right, I was livid when she called it a mistake. It was a tragic choice she made.

[Spectre]

You keep seeing it however you need to see it.

 

Don't feed off of someone else's inability to forgive or move forward in their life.

 

Please don't ever speak for me, you have no real clue about my life.

 

You don't have to justify forgiveness or for wanting to move forward.

 

Nobody said he did, but he posted a friggin topic on it, so he obviously wanted people to weigh in.

 

You know your wife better than anyone on a advice forum. Don't you?

 

Who said we knew her better then he did? He still came to a public forum and posted this. If he knows his wife so well then why bother unless..he wanted other opinions.

 

If he knows his wife better, then he might as well ignore everything said in this topic.

[Spectre]

I fully understand that she was totally at fault for not saying no. And she fully gets that too. She has not once blamed him at all. But had he not contacted her and been so aggressive she would have never gone out looking for it. She has said ask me that on the polygraph. So the process starts with the pond scum but the totally responsibility lies with her not stopping it and she gets that. Believe me, the hate she feels for herself right now is sincere and deep.

 

You need to know right now..polygraphs are kind of bunk. They aren't a for sure thing. You may of seen me advise others to get a poly, but not because I feel the test works, but because I feel threatening a poly can sometimes get the truth to come out easier, but the actual RESULTS of that will never be 100%. There is a reason it's not admissible in court.

 

I have no idea if your wife knows this or if she is legit and telling the truth or if she is just saying it because she hopes the mere act of saying she will do it will be enough to satiate your curiosity about her telling the truth and you won't press the issue further. Given her utter betrayal of you..you have to recognize there is a real possibility that the latter option is the true one.

 

I'd spring a surprise "polygraph" on her just to see how she responds. By this I mean, take her out one day, maybe you guys are going grocery shopping. On the way home spring it on her you'll be stopping on the way home to take a poly. THAT is when true colors will come out, they call it a parking lot confession, her simply saying "oh yeah ill take a poly" at this point means zilch. Since at one point she said "oh yeah ill marry you" and yet here we are hearing about her treating her wedding vows like a punchline, so her word means nothing and a poly won't truly help but spring it on her anyways.

Edited March 6, 2015 by Spectre

[VeryBrokenMan]

You keep seeing it however you need to see it.

 

Don't feed off of someone else's inability to forgive or move forward in their life.

 

You don't have to justify forgiveness or for wanting to move forward.

 

You know your wife better than anyone on a advice forum. Don't you?

 

Yes I do, thanks. It actually helps me to crystallize my thoughts when I defend my decisions here. There are no right or wrong answers especally when dealing with infidelity. What is right for one person is not right for everybody. I'm making the right decision for me AT THIS TIME. I may feel differently in October. But TODAY I'm choosing to move forward.

 

I've thought about this for around six months now and I see either decision (stay or go) to be very painful and both have advantages and disadvantages.

 

One huge disadvantage to divorce is that we have a very close and very happy extended family and are both very close to our adult children. Her brothers and sisters are like my own and vice-versa. Destroying that is not something either one of us wants. So part of me is working this out for the kids and family even though they are all adults.

[Spectre]

Look, I'm not blind and I can see you want it to work, and I can see you saying this isn't a for sure thing that you guys will work. I guess the reason myself and others are saying the things we are is..we know if you wait on this and it ends up not working..the amount of pain will be ten fold.

 

If you feel she is worth it that is up to you I suppose.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You need to know right now..polygraphs are kind of bunk. They aren't a for sure thing. You may of seen me advise others to get a poly, but not because I feel the test works, but because I feel threatening a poly can sometimes get the truth to come out easier, but the actual RESULTS of that will never be 100%. There is a reason it's not admissible in court.

 

I have no idea if your wife knows this or if she is legit and telling the truth or if she is just saying it because she hopes the mere act of saying she will do it will be enough to satiate your curiosity about her telling the truth and you won't press the issue further. Given her utter betrayal of you..you have to recognize there is a real possibility that the latter option is the true one.

 

I'd spring a surprise "polygraph" on her just to see how she responds. By this I mean, take her out one day, maybe you guys are going grocery shopping. On the way home spring it on her you'll be stopping on the way home to take a poly. THAT is when true colors will come out, they call it a parking lot confession, her simply saying "oh yeah ill take a poly" at this point means zilch. Since at one point she said "oh yeah ill marry you" and yet here we are hearing about her treating her wedding vows like a punchline, so her word means nothing and a poly won't truly help but spring it on her anyways.

 

I know they skepticism that exists around polygraphs and I fully intend to have her take it. The fact that she takes it will tell me more that the results ever will.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Look, I'm not blind and I can see you want it to work, and I can see you saying this isn't a for sure thing that you guys will work. I guess the reason myself and others are saying the things we are is..we know if you wait on this and it ends up not working..the amount of pain will be ten fold.

 

If you feel she is worth it that is up to you I suppose.

 

I get what you're saying, thanks. She is worth it or I would have chucked it in 6 months ago.

[thummper]

You're such a good man for giving her another chance. I'd never be able to deal successfully with the mind movies of my wife being, well, you know, by another man. I know myself, and I know it would have been an automatic deal breaker irregardless of family ties. I wish you and her success in your attempt to repair your marriage.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Please don't ever speak for me, you have no real clue about my life.

 

 

 

Nobody said he did, but he posted a friggin topic on it, so he obviously wanted people to weigh in.

 

 

 

Who said we knew her better then he did? He still came to a public forum and posted this. If he knows his wife so well then why bother unless..he wanted other opinions.

 

If he knows his wife better, then he might as well ignore everything said in this topic.

 

I'm not ignoring anything and I do appreciate consenting opinions. It makes me think deeply about the issues and it's helped me see things in the past I did not see before. So everyone's opinion is welcome. But no one should feel slighted when I don't agree or act like I don't see that point of view.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You're such a good man for giving her another chance. I'd never be able to deal successfully with the mind movies of my wife being, well, you know, by another man. I know myself, and I know it would have been an automatic deal breaker irregardless of family ties. I wish you and her success in your attempt to repair your marriage.

 

Thanks man, I really appreciate it.

 

I have to admit the mind movies were terrible at first, I could not finish. But when I started picturing him with pink panties on or not being able to get it up (which was a problem for him, I'm sure he was intimidated by her) those movies went away. Now I just laugh at how big a loser he is.

[Rainbowlove]

Yes I do, thanks. It actually helps me to crystallize my thoughts when I defend my decisions here. There are no right or wrong answers especally when dealing with infidelity. What is right for one person is not right for everybody. I'm making the right decision for me AT THIS TIME. I may feel differently in October. But TODAY I'm choosing to move forward.

 

I've thought about this for around six months now and I see either decision (stay or go) to be very painful and both have advantages and disadvantages.

 

One huge disadvantage to divorce is that we have a very close and very happy extended family and are both very close to our adult children. Her brothers and sisters are like my own and vice-versa. Destroying that is not something either one of us wants. So part of me is working this out for the kids and family even though they are all adults.

 

Infidelity is not a one size fits all - neither is reconciliation.

 

If for today you choose to repair it and fight for it, then fight.

 

You may go back and forth for a while. I think that's a normal process in healing and navigating your way through it.

 

My wife and I are 16 months into our recovery. It hasn't been easy, but I'll tell you...it's getting a whole lot better. We are laughing, and enjoying each other's company again.

 

I look forward to the next year together and the years after that. We have a lot to fight for and so do you.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Infidelity is not a one size fits all - neither is reconciliation.

 

If for today you choose to repair it and fight for it, then fight.

 

You may go back and forth for a while. I think that's a normal process in healing and navigating your way through it.

 

My wife and I are 16 months into our recovery. It hasn't been easy, but I'll tell you...it's getting a whole lot better. We are laughing, and enjoying each other's company again.

 

I look forward to the next year together and the years after that. We have a lot to fight for and so do you.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

 

That is great to hear!

 

Good luck to you as well. I wish everyone here all the best, we've all been though something that no one should have to go through ever in their life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe in October I'll feel differently. Thanks for your wishes.

 

What is significant about October?

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

I know they skepticism that exists around polygraphs and I fully intend to have her take it. The fact that she takes it will tell me more that the results ever will.

 

Trust me, if they weren't that reliable, government intelligence agencies would use them as criteria for employment.

 

Are they perfect, no. Is there certain personality types that can beat them, you bet. Are their drugs you can take (beta blockers, barbiturates, perspiration inhibitors, etc) to help you beat them, sure.

 

It's not so much about the polygraph machine as it is the examiner. These people are trained to detect deception, to trip you up, etc.

 

There's a poster on here, can't remember her name at the moment, but she's a super awesome chick that ended up with a crummy husband. Long story short, he said he had no problem taking a polygraph, even set it up I think, and when they finally got to the exam, he started confessing to more stuff in the parking lot. I keep waiting for her to completely share her story, but I do remember this particular incident. She was one strong woman though!