Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM, I wish you the best and certainly hope that you have found true reconciliation, and all that matters is that you have found it in your mind. Not what anyone on a forum may think.

 

 

But, I do wonder, certainly when your wife said her wedding vows in front of you, God, your families certainly she promised to be true to you. So, she was not. In such a short time, after breaking her vows, I certainly hope she can now honor them now.

 

 

It is hard to once again trust someone who broke their promise. You seem to have done that and that is all that counts.

 

Thank you.

 

I think we are in the process but we are not out of the woods. You know I'm not even thinking about trust at this point and she is not checking in like she was at my request because I don't want to be a jail warden.

 

I think my IC was able to get me to a point in my thinking that I'm going to be OK if she stays true and OK if she strays again. I think it's pretty healthy way to think about the relationship because it eliminates any trust issues going forward. She can choose to stay in my life by her actions and fidelity and it allows me to love her and to open my heart to her again.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I admire your strength, your courage, and your ability to leap forward into the unknown with hope and love in your heart.

 

Your wife is blessed to walk beside you.

 

May each day bring you both closer to healing and peace.

 

RL

 

I've thought a lot about your post and I think I see that starting over in a marriage after infidelity is similar to the process that you go through at the start of any new relationship. You have to take a leap of faith and assume the other person is going to catch you when you jump. I've jumped, she's jumped and we are in the process of seeing where the relationship lands. But unless both of us jump then we could never be intimate or close ever again.

 

Thank you, hope you find peace as well.

[Buckeye2]

Thank you.

 

I think my IC was able to get me to a point in my thinking that I'm going to be OK if she stays true and OK if she strays again. I think it's pretty healthy way to think about the relationship because it eliminates any trust issues going forward. She can choose to stay in my life by her actions and fidelity and it allows me to love her and to open my heart to her again.

 

How do you truly open your heart if you’re fully prepared for her to stray again?

 

As I told you before just consider her your attractive high paid mistress that you have known for a long time. Have fun.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Buckeye2

[aliveagain]

Are you Italian?

 

HurtOfGlass I am Italian and I can tell you my policy is absolute zero tolerance for infidelity. That may not be the same for other Italian men. The problems is not one of heritage but more about compromising your principles. When my spouse chose to have her a$$ pounded into another man's mattress for a couple of years I was put into a position upon discovery of standing up for my principles or trashing them. I showed her the same honor and respect she showed me. It was a simple decision, I fired her and kept my integrity because my integrity took me a lifetime to create, she on the other hand was outside of my control. If someone can lay under another man for two years of our just over four years together, well let's just say it didn't take me long to decide once I knew about her secret life. If you don't stand up for yourself who will? People that are too eager to "save" a marriage end up eating a lot of sh*t sandwiches.

 

Everyone should do what they think is best for them. You have one life, use it wisely. Do not act out of fear, fear freezes you, do what is best for you and no one else(including children) because by doing so you give them control over your life and that life is yours to live. So both are right, staying is right, divorcing is right, as long as it is you making that decision free of outside influences.

[VeryBrokenMan]

How do you truly open your heart if you’re fully prepared for her to stray again?

 

As I told you before just consider her your attractive high paid mistress that you have known for a long time. Have fun.

 

It's a healthy position of strength in a relationship according to my IC. It's not healthy to allow your whole life to be controlled and dictated by the decisions one person makes.

 

She is not a mistress at all, she is a wife that dedicated her life to me and our family for 31 years that made a horrible choice and she is greatly remorseful for making that choice.

[DKT3]

Thank you.

 

I think we are in the process but we are not out of the woods. You know I'm not even thinking about trust at this point and she is not checking in like she was at my request because I don't want to be a jail warden.

 

I think my IC was able to get me to a point in my thinking that I'm going to be OK if she stays true and OK if she strays again. I think it's pretty healthy way to think about the relationship because it eliminates any trust issues going forward. She can choose to stay in my life by her actions and fidelity and it allows me to love her and to open my heart to her again.

Two things that strike me here. First, it is healthy to understand you can't prevent her from cheating again. However, I don't think the foundation is strong enough for you to be at that point NOW. At this point it may cause you to detach and keep her at an emotionally safe distances, which leads into the second part. She is already backing off or things that you've communicated to her that you needed to feel safe moving forward. She isn't doing them and its moving your boundaries instead of enforcing them.

 

I personally think your trying to move thru this process too fast. I really hope it works out for you, but I just see a lot of denial here on your part.

[Buckeye2]

It's a healthy position of strength in a relationship according to my IC. It's not healthy to allow your whole life to be controlled and dictated by the decisions one person makes.

 

She is not a mistress at all, she is a wife that dedicated her life to me and our family for 31 years that made a horrible choice and she is greatly remorseful for making that choice.

 

And you are fully prepared for her to make that choice again. My advice is to keep at least some of your heart in reserve.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Buckeye2

[VeryBrokenMan]

Two things that strike me here. First, it is healthy to understand you can't prevent her from cheating again. However, I don't think the foundation is strong enough for you to be at that point NOW. At this point it may cause you to detach and keep her at an emotionally safe distances, which leads into the second part. She is already backing off or things that you've communicated to her that you needed to feel safe moving forward. She isn't doing them and its moving your boundaries instead of enforcing them.

 

I personally think your trying to move thru this process too fast. I really hope it works out for you, but I just see a lot of denial here on your part.

 

I get that many here think that I'm moving too fast and that I should not even be trying to reconcile. I appreciate the concern but I feel this is right for me and for US.

 

She has not backed off on anything regarding boundaries. I asked her to stop checking in, she is 110% willing to call me 100 times a day to let me know the smallest of things. I don't need that anymore and when she stopped it was a relief. That comes from the thinking that I'm going to be happy no mater what happens and I really do trust her 100% at this point. Her cheating again never even crosses my mind and has not for a good while.

 

I've talked a lot about denial with my IC and we've talked a lot about the approach I'm taking and she fully supports it and has been instrumental in how it has developed. She believes that it's very healthy to consider this new relationship we have like a new relationship with someone that I have just met. To forget our history and to behave in a way that I would in any new relationship. And that is to trust but with some level of detachment until you see how the relationship evolves. You don't place your heart on the table in any new relationship until the other person proves themselves.

 

Just a little more background on whats been going on lately. She was out of town for a week but we've talked a lot this week and she has told me it was a self absorbed choice to have an affair. She knows she took me for granted and tells me that really hurts her a lot because she says she loves me so much that she feels my pain. I believe these things because she says them with sincerity. She is honest when she tells me that the attention and flattery from someone new felt really good to her at a time when she felt neglected. She knows now that she was being selfish of my time and I was not really neglecting her.

 

In a very emotional moment last night she told me she will never cheat on me again because she never wants to feel this badly about herself ever again. She said her walls are going to be up and she could never cheat again period on me or anyone else. And she also feels terrible about how she treated me prior to the affair. I believe all this because she has been so open and candid about everything we talk about for several months.

 

We got off on the first time they had sex last night and these talks are totally calm and without judgement on my part. I think that has allowed her to open up and tell me details and what she was feeling at the time and that helps tremendously. We have discussed all the details before and the story is consistent but I get different nuances of her feelings as she tells it. It was never the the hot passion filled romp that I imagined on DDay. The sex part does not even hurt me any more and I never even think about it unless we talk about it. My IC helped me let go of the pain and eliminate the mind movies by changing my thinking to see that being in pain over the sex act was giving the OM power and control over my life. I get to choose that, he does not.

 

We talked for several hours last night about some of the things that she felt (while she was in the affair) were a problem in our relationship and that she used to justify the affair to herself. And she said she never realized how many problems were hers and not me at all until after the affair and until she talked to her IC. She said until she got into IC she assumed that I was the problem in the relationship. I think her IC may have taken my side in many cases because the change in her attitude has been like night and day. She has been like the women I fell in love with a long time ago. She has said many times for a few months now that she was the problem and the affair had nothing to do with me and our relationship and she stressed that again last night.

 

It's not hard to recommit to a woman who adores you and is making every effort to stay in your life and to allow you to heal. She desperately want's me to be healed and that is her top priority.

[thummper]

God bless you, VBM! I personally would be unable to forgive this gross an indiscretion, but that's just me. I know myself, and I KNOW I couldn't do it, regardless of how remorseful my wayward wife was acting. That being said, I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who sincerely can reconcile. I really wish you both all the best for your future.

 

 

Thummper

[DKT3]

I get that many here think that I'm moving too fast and that I should not even be trying to reconcile. I appreciate the concern but I feel this is right for me and for US.

 

She has not backed off on anything regarding boundaries. I asked her to stop checking in, she is 110% willing to call me 100 times a day to let me know the smallest of things. I don't need that anymore and when she stopped it was a relief. That comes from the thinking that I'm going to be happy no mater what happens and I really do trust her 100% at this point. Her cheating again never even crosses my mind and has not for a good while.

 

I've talked a lot about denial with my IC and we've talked a lot about the approach I'm taking and she fully supports it and has been instrumental in how it has developed. She believes that it's very healthy to consider this new relationship we have like a new relationship with someone that I have just met. To forget our history and to behave in a way that I would in any new relationship. And that is to trust but with some level of detachment until you see how the relationship evolves. You don't place your heart on the table in any new relationship until the other person proves themselves.

 

Just a little more background on whats been going on lately. She was out of town for a week but we've talked a lot this week and she has told me it was a self absorbed choice to have an affair. She knows she took me for granted and tells me that really hurts her a lot because she says she loves me so much that she feels my pain. I believe these things because she says them with sincerity. She is honest when she tells me that the attention and flattery from someone new felt really good to her at a time when she felt neglected. She knows now that she was being selfish of my time and I was not really neglecting her.

 

In a very emotional moment last night she told me she will never cheat on me again because she never wants to feel this badly about herself ever again. She said her walls are going to be up and she could never cheat again period on me or anyone else. And she also feels terrible about how she treated me prior to the affair. I believe all this because she has been so open and candid about everything we talk about for several months.

 

We got off on the first time they had sex last night and these talks are totally calm and without judgement on my part. I think that has allowed her to open up and tell me details and what she was feeling at the time and that helps tremendously. We have discussed all the details before and the story is consistent but I get different nuances of her feelings as she tells it. It was never the the hot passion filled romp that I imagined on DDay. The sex part does not even hurt me any more and I never even think about it unless we talk about it. My IC helped me let go of the pain and eliminate the mind movies by changing my thinking to see that being in pain over the sex act was giving the OM power and control over my life. I get to choose that, he does not.

 

We talked for several hours last night about some of the things that she felt (while she was in the affair) were a problem in our relationship and that she used to justify the affair to herself. And she said she never realized how many problems were hers and not me at all until after the affair and until she talked to her IC. She said until she got into IC she assumed that I was the problem in the relationship. I think her IC may have taken my side in many cases because the change in her attitude has been like night and day. She has been like the women I fell in love with a long time ago. She has said many times for a few months now that she was the problem and the affair had nothing to do with me and our relationship and she stressed that again last night.

 

It's not hard to recommit to a woman who adores you and is making every effort to stay in your life and to allow you to heal. She desperately want's me to be healed and that is her top priority.

 

VBM, you don't have to convince me your doing the right thing. When I first came here I was in a similar position and defending my decision. It was a little different because she was posting here also, and she got blasted. It was hard to read, I found myself defending her a lot until she told me to stop.

 

Your doing what's right for you its no ones place here to judge that, what I'm saying is be careful how you move forward. You are so strong in you convictions that your doing everything right that a small setback (and there will be some) could send you way off track. This thing don't seem to follows the best laid plans and are far from a lineal path forward. In my opinion, you're putting your head down and pushing froward so confident that your on the right path and that she is with you every step. Its honorable in a sense, its blind in another.

 

Your wife's emotions for this other man didn't just go away, as much as you would like to believe they did. I only warn you to slow down, time will bring more question and more fears. By pushing thru so fast it becomes harder to address those in the future, once you start thinking "I should be past this".

[VeryBrokenMan]

God bless you, VBM! I personally would be unable to forgive this gross an indiscretion, but that's just me. I know myself, and I KNOW I couldn't do it, regardless of how remorseful my wayward wife was acting. That being said, I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who sincerely can reconcile. I really wish you both all the best for your future.

 

 

Thummper

 

Thanks Thummper. To be honest there were times during the first few months that I thought there would be no way to get past it. I was solidly in the "divorce a cheater" camp pre-affair, but until you're facing the barrel of the gun you have no idea of what you will do in any situation.

 

And over time and the longer we talked and the more she opened up and told me how she was feeling the more I was able to get to where I am now. It's not been easy by any means and it's not settled either but I think we are on track. Hopefully I won't be the guy that comes back in a year or two saying you guys were right.

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM, you don't have to convince me your doing the right thing. When I first came here I was in a similar position and defending my decision. It was a little different because she was posting here also, and she got blasted. It was hard to read, I found myself defending her a lot until she told me to stop.

 

Your doing what's right for you its no ones place here to judge that, what I'm saying is be careful how you move forward. You are so strong in you convictions that your doing everything right that a small setback (and there will be some) could send you way off track. This thing don't seem to follows the best laid plans and are far from a lineal path forward. In my opinion, you're putting your head down and pushing froward so confident that your on the right path and that she is with you every step. Its honorable in a sense, its blind in another.

 

Your wife's emotions for this other man didn't just go away, as much as you would like to believe they did. I only warn you to slow down, time will bring more question and more fears. By pushing thru so fast it becomes harder to address those in the future, once you start thinking "I should be past this".

 

You have always given good advise here and I hear exactly what your saying and I will be careful.

 

We are moving quickly but I think we both understand that we cannot rug sweep, she can't do it and neither can I. Everything has to be on the table and we both know that and we both see what needs to happen and how we need to work together to get there. I also think we both realize that we still may not survive this and we are both getting stronger so that we will both be OK if that is the result. We've talked at length about making the divorce amicable should we get to that point. Neither one of us hates the other or really has any resentment at this point.

 

We do have one huge obstacle in our path that we've not talked about very much and that is that last phone call that I posted here back in October where she said she could not live without him and a lot of other really damaging things. I've asked some questions here and there but that is not going to cut it long term. We have to face the pain in that call. My IC tells me we need to discuss the call and dissect it until it no longer hurts and there are no more questions.

 

That call was part of the discussion last night and she tells me she feel physically ill when she remembers things she said and see's how far into the fog she really was. She told me last night she thought she might be mentally ill because of how she acted during that call. She was not really serious when she said that and she was not making an excuse. She just feels like she was so unlike herself and totally out of character. And I have to agree, up until the affair she was a devoted wife and mother and I never got the "cheater" vibe from her in 31 years. She was a flirt but that is just her personality and she understands the boundaries that have to be in place from now on.

 

But the call is an example of not being blind to what we face. Neither one of us wanted to talk about it until we were stronger but she has taken the lead and knows that this is not over until we get through that. I've not read the transcript in several months and she has never read it but I know the conversion about that call is going to be intensely emotional. So she has said she will take the lead and wants us talk about the call line by line if we have to.

 

Her contention about that call has always been that she was letting the OM down easy. I can actually see that explanation, she is a very attractive woman, both her looks and her body and has a fun personality and the OM was not really in her league at all and he certainly has not had a lot of success in life. She has always had a soft spot for dis-advantaged people(underdogs) so her explanation fits her past thinking. But it's still hard to hear those statements true or not.

 

I may post her explanations of statements she made in that call and I suspect that conversation will take place in the next few weeks.

[sidney2718]

Thanks Thummper. To be honest there were times during the first few months that I thought there would be no way to get past it. I was solidly in the "divorce a cheater" camp pre-affair, but until you're facing the barrel of the gun you have no idea of what you will do in any situation.

 

And over time and the longer we talked and the more she opened up and told me how she was feeling the more I was able to get to where I am now. It's not been easy by any means and it's not settled either but I think we are on track. Hopefully I won't be the guy that comes back in a year or two saying you guys were right.

 

If the two of you stay true and keep communication as you have been, I think you will be all right.

 

I think that the lesson that I take from your story is that for some reconciliations to work (yours in particular) not only did she have to be remorseful but you had to be willing to listen to what she said to you in explanation. That seemed to be a major key. She felt that she could come clean without running the risk of you going off like a volcano.

 

I'm rooting for you two, and I think that most everyone here is doing that as well. Keep it up and keep on communicating.

[aliveagain]

Let me guess at what she told you about the sexual details:

 

- they didn't have sex very often

- no orgasms for her, in fact very little enjoyment

- only became sexual because he wanted to

- he was aggressor / pursuer

- whatever your favorite act/position, didn't do it

- sex continued to keep him interested

- it was only sex, no real feelings involved

Am I close ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You agreed with this statement and that it is very close to what she told you. Is this still her position, has she changed her statement now that you are finally getting into the sex between them? This statement seems to be in conflict with the last conversation she had with her affair partner that your PI recorded. What I read in that conversation was her looking to other man for his approval for her to leave you and go be with him. I think that if other man had said the right things that she would have left you for him. You need the truth about these items.

 

Many, many years ago I worked with a man that was a true predator. We called him sl*tty Jim because he always went after married women. Something he once told me in the lunch room stayed with me because it sounded logical but I can't confirm it's truth. Perhaps someone that has been a wayward can give their opinion on this statement. He told me that the married women he cheated with were one of two types. Those that used sex to keep his attention and those that really liked the sneaky illicit nature of the sex. He said the way he could tell which they were was by the sexual positions they preferred. Those that used sex to keep his attention liked positions that didn't require having to see him during the act. Those that really like the sex always wanted to look at him when orgasm occurred, more face to face and would often place their tongues in his mouth to enhance the experience. He also told me that some of the women would think of him when they were being intimate with their husbands.

 

My point is if her statement about the sex not being important is true, how do you know if that is a the truth? If sl*tty Jim was correct in his observations why not ask her about the positions they used. Again I don't know if there is any fact to his observations but who knows if actual studies have been done on this. I don't know if any of this will help you when you discuss the sex with her but I wanted to tell you what a master who cheated with many married women once told me.

[lgspot]

You have always given good advise here and I hear exactly what your saying and I will be careful.

 

We are moving quickly but I think we both understand that we cannot rug sweep, she can't do it and neither can I. Everything has to be on the table and we both know that and we both see what needs to happen and how we need to work together to get there. I also think we both realize that we still may not survive this and we are both getting stronger so that we will both be OK if that is the result. We've talked at length about making the divorce amicable should we get to that point. Neither one of us hates the other or really has any resentment at this point.

 

We do have one huge obstacle in our path that we've not talked about very much and that is that last phone call that I posted here back in October where she said she could not live without him and a lot of other really damaging things. I've asked some questions here and there but that is not going to cut it long term. We have to face the pain in that call. My IC tells me we need to discuss the call and dissect it until it no longer hurts and there are no more questions.

 

That call was part of the discussion last night and she tells me she feel physically ill when she remembers things she said and see's how far into the fog she really was. She told me last night she thought she might be mentally ill because of how she acted during that call. She was not really serious when she said that and she was not making an excuse. She just feels like she was so unlike herself and totally out of character. And I have to agree, up until the affair she was a devoted wife and mother and I never got the "cheater" vibe from her in 31 years. She was a flirt but that is just her personality and she understands the boundaries that have to be in place from now on.

 

But the call is an example of not being blind to what we face. Neither one of us wanted to talk about it until we were stronger but she has taken the lead and knows that this is not over until we get through that. I've not read the transcript in several months and she has never read it but I know the conversion about that call is going to be intensely emotional. So she has said she will take the lead and wants us talk about the call line by line if we have to.

 

Her contention about that call has always been that she was letting the OM down easy. I can actually see that explanation, she is a very attractive woman, both her looks and her body and has a fun personality and the OM was not really in her league at all and he certainly has not had a lot of success in life. She has always had a soft spot for dis-advantaged people(underdogs) so her explanation fits her past thinking. But it's still hard to hear those statements true or not.

 

I may post her explanations of statements she made in that call and I suspect that conversation will take place in the next few weeks.

VBM,

Honestly, that phone call was what had bothered me the most.

I think your discussions around this will be most telling.

Reconciliation stories are my favorite on the Board. I hope yours lasts a lifetime.

Best wishes.

[VeryBrokenMan]

If the two of you stay true and keep communication as you have been, I think you will be all right.

 

I think that the lesson that I take from your story is that for some reconciliations to work (yours in particular) not only did she have to be remorseful but you had to be willing to listen to what she said to you in explanation. That seemed to be a major key. She felt that she could come clean without running the risk of you going off like a volcano.

 

I'm rooting for you two, and I think that most everyone here is doing that as well. Keep it up and keep on communicating.

 

I think you are right in this assessment. Looking back things really started changing for the better when I was able to control my emotions as I was asking questions. It took the defensiveness away from her and she really started being candid and open.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate them.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You agreed with this statement and that it is very close to what she told you. Is this still her position, has she changed her statement now that you are finally getting into the sex between them? This statement seems to be in conflict with the last conversation she had with her affair partner that your PI recorded. What I read in that conversation was her looking to other man for his approval for her to leave you and go be with him. I think that if other man had said the right things that she would have left you for him. You need the truth about these items.

 

Many, many years ago I worked with a man that was a true predator. We called him sl*tty Jim because he always went after married women. Something he once told me in the lunch room stayed with me because it sounded logical but I can't confirm it's truth. Perhaps someone that has been a wayward can give their opinion on this statement. He told me that the married women he cheated with were one of two types. Those that used sex to keep his attention and those that really liked the sneaky illicit nature of the sex. He said the way he could tell which they were was by the sexual positions they preferred. Those that used sex to keep his attention liked positions that didn't require having to see him during the act. Those that really like the sex always wanted to look at him when orgasm occurred, more face to face and would often place their tongues in his mouth to enhance the experience. He also told me that some of the women would think of him when they were being intimate with their husbands.

 

My point is if her statement about the sex not being important is true, how do you know if that is a the truth? If sl*tty Jim was correct in his observations why not ask her about the positions they used. Again I don't know if there is any fact to his observations but who knows if actual studies have been done on this. I don't know if any of this will help you when you discuss the sex with her but I wanted to tell you what a master who cheated with many married women once told me.

 

 

I don't think that much has changed from early on but here is the current story.

 

- they didn't have sex very often

 

I asked about the sex details on DDay and the details have never changed. I gave her the ultimatum on DDay to give me the full story or she could leave. When I confronted her I let her know I had hired a PI and she did not know what I knew and did not know. I told her if her story matched then I would consider holding off on the divorce. So I feel like I got most of the truth that day. The things I did not get were feelings, lack of love for me, true feelings about him and stuff like that. She admitted on DDay that they had sex twice and did not use protection. She told me she was relieved it was over that day.

 

The first time they has sex she agreed to meet him at an empty house that was for sale. Prior to that they has talked a total of 4.5 hours over 7 phone calls. They met at the house exactly 30 days after the first contact. She had phone sex one time prior to this meeting and exchanged pictures but in her mind she felt like she could control the situation the day she met him. She says she really just wanted to meet in person and talk and get to know him and did not think it would happen in an empty house. She admits he told her prior to this meeting that he wanted to have sex.

 

She says she was not to the point of wanting him sexually that day but he was aggressive from the minute he walked in. She did try to minimally resist but gave in without much resistance. She fully admits it would have happened another day had it not happened that day more than likely because he was so aggressive. The OM was convicted of rape in his twenties (my PI gave me his rap sheet). She did not know his history at the time and she has never brought this up but had she resisted I think we would be dealing with a rape instead of an affair. I'm not making an excuse for her, she readily agreed to sex that day and we both know that.

 

The second time was 22 days and 6 phone calls later and they agreed to meet at a motel and his routine did not vary. She said he was very rough and did not really care about her needs but she just wanted to be with him.

- no orgasms for her, in fact very little enjoyment

- only became sexual because he wanted to

- he was aggressor / pursuer

- whatever your favorite act/position, didn't do it

 

I believe that all these are true statements. She says she had an orgasm once during phone sex but not actually during sex with him. She is very orgasmic normally and normally does not last very long with me before the first one. She does not need clitoral stimulation but she needs to feel emotionally close. There have been many times in the past after normal marital fights that sex a day or two later she does not orgasm. I attribute this to her emotional connection and her feelings being more important than anything physical.

 

She was caught off guard the first time they had sex and she says she did not orgasm. She has described in detail what they did and both times he had a routine that he went through. Knowing her and what she likes I'd be really surprised that she orgasm-ed based on the details. They only used one position(that we have never used) and he did not last very long. It was him on his knees with her legs straight up holding them by her ankles or over his shoulders. Not a lot of intimacy and she said they never kissed during sex. It was more "porn" style sex rather than intimate. She gave him a BJ about 30 minutes later when he forced her head down and he orgasm-ed a second time. She freely admits they did not use protection and feels completely stupid about that decision and still does not understand her thinking. Other than to say she was so completely ****ed up during this time.

 

- sex continued to keep him interested

 

This is exactly what she said. Having all the texts makes me think this is true, he was always asking to meet for sex and she was always wanting to talk/text. After sex the first time she wanted to text/talk even more and he was a lot less attentive and kept pushing for in person meetings. (imagine that)

 

She tried to break it off after the first time they had sex and he responded by telling her he loved her and could not live without her. She bought it and was not able to end things. She also goggled "how to delete you facebook page" two days after the first sexual encounter.

 

- it was only sex, no real feelings involved

 

This is not true. She admits that she was deeply infatuated with him and at the time she felt like she was in love and she craved the attention she was getting. She says he knew all the right things to say and she did fall hard for him emotionally. It was not a physical attraction at all and the OM is not financially successful(lives in a small mobile home) and is a manual laborer so there was no power thing going on. He also has a small penis and yes I saw the pictures.

 

What I read in that conversation was her looking to other man for his approval for her to leave you and go be with him. I think that if other man had said the right things that she would have left you for him. You need the truth about these items.

Keep in mind when the call took place she was deeply infatuated with him (she thought it was love at the time) but more importantly she thought he loved her deeply. He told her from the onset he felt a deep connection with her and chemistry(just a pickup line). We all know it was just sex for him and really did not have an emotional attachment being a serial cheater. But she felt like she needed to break it off and let him down easy and she apologized over twenty times. Also keep in mind her world had just exploded two days earlier on DDay and she was very emotional.

 

When I shared portions of the transcript here last October I was devastated and looking back I was not really able to see the good things in that call until rereading it again a couple of weeks ago now that my emotions have died down. It's telling what was totally missing from the call. There was never any discussion of a future without me at all by either party. She never said "I'd rather be with you" or anything close.

 

One big thing that I see now is that the call was 75 minutes long but a large portion was him talking about his wife not finding out, how to prevent that and talking about what he was going to do to me if she did. And her trying to talk him out of that violence. Other large portions were them talking about how I was able to catch them, starting marriage counseling and him starting a new job. Interspersed in all that garbage were the random damaging comments that I posted here.

 

I had not read the transcript since I posted here since last October on the advise of my IC. A couple of weeks ago I pulled it out and read it. I believe I was blinded by pain before and did not want to see the some of the good things from that call that I can see now. I did not share statements she made throughout the call such as these:

 

I told you I loved him

You know I'm going to be committed to work this out

It's absolutely awful I don't know if I'm going to survive this

I've never given him any reason not to trust me until now but I've proved that he can't trust me

We just have to not have any communication

I'll probably never see you again unless this completely falls apart

I haven't been on facebook, I may not ever get back on

like I said, I've lost everything

we just have to not have any communication so I can move forward

But I do have to take the blame for it

I've just never done anything wrong, when I told you you’re my only lie that's the truth, you're my only lie

I don't need "I'm sorry" to be the last thing we say to each other

It's going to be alright were just going to go back to life the way it was before 3 months ago (time frame corroborates her story of the start)

but I'm not promiscuous (crying)

I said OK, I don't have any contact with him anymore I told you I wouldn’t, then he said I could call you and tell you goodbye.

I was just about to call you back and tell you I need our goodbye to be a solid one (after the call dropped)

I've got to give it a chance to work

well I'm not going to use your email unless I just can’t handle it

Ive got to move on, get past this and give it a chance to work

 

A lot of these comments help me to see that she was serious about ending it. I really could not believe those good comments were there because all I remember when I read it in October were the bad comments. They help me see that she was doing what she promised and that was to end it and go no contact.

 

So that's the story, it helps to share it.

[LifeWasted]

I'll probably never see you again unless this completely falls apart

 

So she basically told him "you are plan B in case I can't work it out with VBM".

 

 

Your wife is a piece of work.

[Rainbowlove]

Your wife is a piece of work.

 

This is an unnecessary comment. This is still his wife and he is choosing to reconcile with her. Disrespecting her is not kind nor helpful.

[VeryBrokenMan]

So she basically told him "you are plan B in case I can't work it out with VBM".

 

 

Your wife is a piece of work.

 

He was plan B why should i care?

Edited March 26, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan

[Rainbowlove]

He was plan B why should i care?

 

I have to wonder who gets slammed more on LS.

 

The WS or the BS that is trying to reconcile?

 

VBM...never let them see you sweat.

[LifeWasted]

This is an unnecessary comment. This is still his wife and he is choosing to reconcile with her. Disrespecting her is not kind nor helpful.

 

Okay then.

 

How about this? She seems to be the kind of person who keeps her options open.

[LifesontheUp]

For me - to reconcile or not is a decision to be made by the BS.

 

What I would caution is given the waywards disrespect not that long ago that VBM treads carefully.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Okay then.

 

How about this? She seems to be the kind of person who keeps her options open.

 

I guess I don't see the point. If I divorce her why do I care where she ends up? The loser OM lives in a mobile home and has no assets, I'm not jealous or threatened by him at all. If we are done and she chooses him why would I care at all? Or for that matter if she chooses a millionaire I still don't care. At that point I'd be done with her.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I have to wonder who gets slammed more on LS.

 

The WS or the BS that is trying to reconcile?

 

VBM...never let them see you sweat.

 

It's brutal for either

 

I like provocative posts from the other viewpoint, it helps me see all sides. But sometimes they just have so little merit and I think are often based in resentment that the poster holds from their poor experience with reconciliation.