Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[wasabi555]

I'm happy with my thinking and my choices and so is my IC. This is not a place I've come to without a lot of thought and self reflection.

 

Doesn't everyone that chooses to reconcile do it in spite of what their WW/WH does? It's not scraping the bottom, it's simply seeing the facts for what they are and not making an emotional decision.

 

Don't take it as an attack.... Take it as food for thought. or a different POV

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think you're willing to believe whatever she dishes out in order not to divorce.

 

Nope, not at all. I'm in a place now where divorce would be OK and would not really bother me much. And we calmly talk about divorce all the time and neither of us wants to do that. We have children that we both care about and don't want to tear apart the family and extended family. I love her brothers and sister like my own. We both care about the other regardless of what has happened.

 

She is changing for me so I don't have to divorce. But more than that she wants to change for herself. I understand that some men cannot see that or even conceive of the possibility. I think it comes from a position of strength, knowing that I'll be OK and that she will honor her new commitment to me. Her commitment includes being faithful and changing for the better. If she does not stay the course then that is the end and we divorce and I'm OK. I'm an extremely disciplined person and I plan to stick to the things I need from her going forward.

 

Be careful - swallowing that much BS and pride is toxic to your system.

 

I can't see the value you see. It's just too much conflicting evidence to stomach much less believe.

The definition of pride does not describe me: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority. I have had some success in life but I am a very humble person. I've achieved that success by allowing others to feel valued and important and empowered and that is what I'm doing in my personal life. I'm empowering her to be a better person and allowing her to make amends for a terrible choice.

 

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Steve Jobs

 

We will all be dead sooner than we would like so why would I let pride stand in my way? She is important and has great value to me and our family is important. She is a known quality and we all have flaws. Having survived an affair do you think for one second that I would be any less vigilant or suspicious of any new wife?

 

I attribute success in this and in life to my philosophical mindset: that is rationally or sensibly calm, patient, or composed. I'm actually glad you don't see the value in her becuase that is one less man I have to be concerned about going forward.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Don't take it as an attack.... Take it as food for thought. or a different POV

 

We both know it was an attack, your first post? Come on?

[81West]

I hope your reconciliation is successful and the right choice. The only thing I'd caution is that you have to know and accept that there is a serious risk to your future happiness in a real way. Given your wife's choices that risk is not remote and it's not just theoretical. You seem an obvious choice when the option was this particular affair partner, and your wife rightly panicked when faced with losing the entire infrastructure of her current life, but at some point things will normalize again. It's one thing to calculate the odds from here, but life can change on you in a moment - or a series of them - in a way that is almost completely out of your control. I know you've said you would be OK if that happened, but in recent months in a different romantic situation I've had life blow up on me - crumble apart is maybe a better characterization - and it was a risk I knew existed. I articulated that knowledge to myself much like you are now back when I was making my decisions. I know now that intellectual knowledge that I was taking a risk on an uncertain situation with some unpleasant history to guide me did almost nothing to prepare me for the emotional experience of having it all fail. It's a bottomless grief that I wouldn't have predicted when I my head was in control of the odds making. I thought about the risk and I accepted it but I realize now I didn't really believe it, at least not enough. It seemed then that the beautiful, reasoned love I was in was going to steer the ship forward for good this time and that the only result of my risk was going to be long due reward for both of us. Now, at what seems to be the end, I feel like I risked a lot and lost even more. I would feel better for you if I thought you had truly emotionally walked a possibility of living this again and having a different outcome with nothing for your gamble but more sand at the bottom of the hourglass and unknowable possibilities slipped away to time and the ether.

 

All that said, I do wish you the very best. Marriages do recover, and you're a great model of resiliency and a particular kind of courage for those that want to walk that path.

[wasabi555]

We both know it was an attack, your first post? Come on?

 

Kinda tells about your current frame of mind.

 

You are a guy that got betrayed and is trying hard to make hs family work. Why would I attack you ?

 

Even in the worst case, it was criticism that your current thought process is faulty.

 

Good luck..And I apologize if the post was offensive..I wasn't meant to be

[beach]

In her timeline of that call - she told the other man she loved him. She told him she wasn't sorry age did it she was sorry she got caught.

 

Go back and read it... It's all about her loving him...how she needs him/not you. And how she's never going to disclose things about them.

 

And then she tells him he can get her in the mornings.

 

 

 

That sounds so much different than how you keep portraying it.

 

 

That's what I have issues with. You need to read what you posted again. I feel like time doesn't have you looking at this clearly.

 

 

FWIW I'm not a man.

Edited March 31, 2015 by beach

[aliveagain]

 

This was not an unhappy marriage and the news blindsided me. She denied everything. She knew I was suicidal and heart broken but did nothing to break the affair off. The pain of that is the worst.

 

I let it lie for another 3 weeks while I contacted a divorce attorneys and got things in order for the split. I confronted her with the proof and she confessed everything. I used her phone to text the AP that day and told him to never contact her again.

 

Said she still loved him, could not give him up, bitched about how unfair it was, basically showed no remorse. Said she did not regret it but regretted getting caught. Needed him now more than ever. Told him she was going to lie to me about the length of the call. And said they would talk another day. Basically could not have been worse.

 

She says the call was just letting him down easy but I call bull**** and think it was her true feelings.

 

I might add that she has a very comfortable life, has never had to work and was treated like a queen. Yes I lost focus on her at times but it was to build both of us a brighter future. But we never fought, always had sex and were always friends. I'm worried that she only wants to stay together for the financial aspects as her AP could never come close to the type life she has now.

 

All this in 84 days, start to finish. She went from a wonderful wife and stay at home mother of 31 years to a lying deceiving cheating adulterous wife that fell in love with a 300 lbs. beer belly lying little dick POS who is cheating on his wife(who by the sounds of a recent post is a friend of hers). You and your wife are in shape and attractive by what you wrote, so how is this possible? What does that say about the safety of your marriage if all it takes is a few complimentary words to make her available? What does that say about you if she is willing to toss you aside for this type of man? Please read the bold'ed items because I am having a really hard time understanding how a loving wife and mother of 31 years throws it all away for such a looser. How she in just 84 days progress's from texts to phone sex and than the ultimate show of disrespect, the exchange of bodily fluids with a guy that isn't fit to shine your shoes? It took you having to hire a private detective to break them up. Please read the part about you being suicidal again and she did nothing to stop it still. That part made me so angry for you. Maybe I am missing something but this is not my life, it is your life. Be careful.

[Mr. Lucky]

She is changing for me so I don't have to divorce. But more than that she wants to change for herself. I understand that some men cannot see that or even conceive of the possibility. I think it comes from a position of strength, knowing that I'll be OK and that she will honor her new commitment to me. Her commitment includes being faithful and changing for the better.

 

VBM, why not simply base your decision on a personal and understandable decision not to walk away from 30 years of emotional equity in hearth, home and family? You wouldn't be the first BS to do so and it's a much more understandable position than projecting unknowable future moral qualities on a spouse who hasn't recently displayed them. It makes it seem as though you're reaching.

 

If past performance helps predict future results, you're free to pick a sample size longer than 84 days...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

She went from a wonderful wife and stay at home mother of 31 years to a lying deceiving cheating adulterous wife that fell in love with a 300 lbs. beer belly lying little dick POS who is cheating on his wife(who by the sounds of a recent post is a friend of hers). You and your wife are in shape and attractive

 

How she in just 84 days progress's from texts to phone sex and than the ultimate show of disrespect, the exchange of bodily fluids with a guy that isn't fit to shine your shoes? It took you having to hire a private detective to break them up. Please read the part about you being suicidal again and she did nothing to stop it still. That part made me so angry for you. Maybe I am missing something but this is not my life, it is your life. Be careful.

Maybe the bolded part is why she is no longer in love with him. Seeing him naked.

[road]

Problem with people posting here is they make it seem that they have no knowledge about affairs, D days, recovery.

 

 

OP's WW as many WW's on D day still want their OM they are addicted to the OM. On D day they were caught which means they were not ready to end the affair. They were in fantasy land and did not want to leave there at that time.

 

 

So they are going to still have attachment feelings to the OM. They need to detox. They need to face reality.

 

 

Though just because the WW was in an affair does not mean they were going to leave their marriage.

 

 

So the WW is torn, normal.

 

 

So many WW's do not have a clean break with the OM.

 

 

Today is not about how D day went down.

 

 

Today is about how this WW is doing everything that she needs to do post D day. So stop attacking this BH from recovering his marriage.

[VeryBrokenMan]

In her timeline of that call - she told the other man she loved him. She told him she wasn't sorry age did it she was sorry she got caught.

 

Go back and read it... It's all about her loving him...how she needs him/not you. And how she's never going to disclose things about them.

 

And then she tells him he can get her in the mornings.

 

 

 

That sounds so much different than how you keep portraying it.

 

 

That's what I have issues with. You need to read what you posted again. I feel like time doesn't have you looking at this clearly.

 

 

FWIW I'm not a man.

 

She did say all those things you mention but is it fair of me to look at only the negative things she said and not the positive things?

I told you I loved him (meaning me)

You know I'm going to be committed to work this out

We just have to not have any communication

I'll probably never see you again unless this completely falls apart

like I said, I've lost everything

we just have to not have any communication so I can move forward

But I do have to take the blame for it

you're my only lie

but I'm not promiscuous (crying)

 

What that says to me is 1. this has been her only affair. 2. She loves me and told him that. 3. She is committed to us. 4. She is taking the blame for it. 5. It's over in her mind, she does not want him to contact her.

 

Why would she lie about those things to him?

 

Keep in mind that at the time of that last call she truly believed:

 

1. the other man really loved her and she did not see him as a player.

 

2. She saw herself as not trying to break his heart by ending it. The last time she tried to end it he told her he loved her. She says she was taken aback but at the time thought he was totally sincere.

 

3. She is very attractive and other than his "game" and what he said to her he was not attractive and she did not want to hurt him. I think he tended to play on her sympathies during a lot of this. She is a kind and caring person (ignore the affair) and she says she was letting him down easy and she never really loved him.

 

She offers the defense that if she really loved him as much as she said, how could have she gone NC so easily? She admits to deep infatuation but not love. I mean really, can someone fall "in love" in the span of 77 days with a dozen phone calls and sex twice? It's clearly infatuation and not love. Love does not start for years in my opinion, until then its just brain chemicals making you feel in love.

[LifeWasted]

Is she going to submit to a polygraph? Have you asked her to do this?

 

I would, because I would want to know if this really was the first time she cheated.

[VeryBrokenMan]

 

This was not an unhappy marriage and the news blindsided me. She denied everything. She knew I was suicidal and heart broken but did nothing to break the affair off. The pain of that is the worst.

 

I let it lie for another 3 weeks while I contacted a divorce attorneys and got things in order for the split. I confronted her with the proof and she confessed everything. I used her phone to text the AP that day and told him to never contact her again.

 

Said she still loved him, could not give him up, bitched about how unfair it was, basically showed no remorse. Said she did not regret it but regretted getting caught. Needed him now more than ever. Told him she was going to lie to me about the length of the call. And said they would talk another day. Basically could not have been worse.

 

She says the call was just letting him down easy but I call bull**** and think it was her true feelings.

 

I might add that she has a very comfortable life, has never had to work and was treated like a queen. Yes I lost focus on her at times but it was to build both of us a brighter future. But we never fought, always had sex and were always friends. I'm worried that she only wants to stay together for the financial aspects as her AP could never come close to the type life she has now.

 

All this in 84 days, start to finish. She went from a wonderful wife and stay at home mother of 31 years to a lying deceiving cheating adulterous wife that fell in love with a 300 lbs. beer belly lying little dick POS who is cheating on his wife(who by the sounds of a recent post is a friend of hers). You and your wife are in shape and attractive by what you wrote, so how is this possible? What does that say about the safety of your marriage if all it takes is a few complimentary words to make her available? What does that say about you if she is willing to toss you aside for this type of man? Please read the bold'ed items because I am having a really hard time understanding how a loving wife and mother of 31 years throws it all away for such a looser. How she in just 84 days progress's from texts to phone sex and than the ultimate show of disrespect, the exchange of bodily fluids with a guy that isn't fit to shine your shoes? It took you having to hire a private detective to break them up. Please read the part about you being suicidal again and she did nothing to stop it still. That part made me so angry for you. Maybe I am missing something but this is not my life, it is your life. Be careful.

 

Thanks for reminding me of those dark days.

 

Yes I wrote ALL that and yes it makes me angry and hurts even now. I'm at a loss as how to explain her actions especially given all the things she has said and done since and 31 years of devotion prior. I'm also at a loss as to how I can defend that behavior because it's clearly not defensible. What I've learned is that someone that is in the midst of an affair is not thinking about anyone but themselves and what they want. She did not know I knew the first time I confronted her so maybe in her mind things were not serious. She did think she was hiding the affair well. It been months since we talked about that situation and I guess I need to see what her response is now and I'll update you.

 

She knows what she would get in a divorce, if she did not know then she knows now because we have discussed it at length. After a divorce her lifestyle would not have to change much if at all and she would not have to work for the rest of her life. So my fears about her staying for financial reasons were unfounded, I was thinking about her lack of earning ability and ongoing income not the sale and division of assets that if she properly managed it would allow her life to remain much the same as it is now. So with that knowledge that she could be free of me and still live how she lives now yet she still chooses to try to make this work. That tells me she loves me and wants to be with me.

 

I'm not sure if I ever shared this here, but the morning after that first confrontation I left the house very early, maybe around 4am, and she knew I was devastated as I could not even talk to her. I got to my office and pulled out a loaded 9mm Glock I keep in my top drawer. And I sat with that 9mm in my hand until bout 8am thinking about everything that had happened. I decided that morning that she was not worth my life. That was the longest 4 hours of my life but it made things crystal clear to me. I don't think anyone really knows what their true beliefs are until they are under that type of pressure with a loaded gun in their hand. I put the gun away and I contacted my attorney later that morning and got the ball rolling on the divorce and that was my plan until I gave her the ultimatum about a month later.

 

When I asked her for the truth on ultimatum day she gave it all to me even details I asked about sex. She looked at me and told me how sorry she was and how relieved she was that it was over. She has always been a strong confident women but that day I saw how broken and weak she was. I told her she could move out and I would support her until the divorce was final. We talked about a lot of things. She asked me for a second chance several times and said she would spend the rest of her life devoted to me. I told her the story about sitting at my desk with the loaded gun and how I almost ended my life. And as I was telling her that I think the true scope of what she had done and what she could have lost hit her like a ton of bricks and she became distraught. I don't think someone that did not care deeply for me could fake the response she had. She was shaking and inconsolable for over an hour. And other than that last call to the OM that happened two days later she has kept everyone of her promises. I think she saw what was important and my story shocked her backed to reality.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Is she going to submit to a polygraph? Have you asked her to do this?

 

I would, because I would want to know if this really was the first time she cheated.

 

She has agreed to take a poly and wants to. I need to know that as well.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Problem with people posting here is they make it seem that they have no knowledge about affairs, D days, recovery.

 

 

OP's WW as many WW's on D day still want their OM they are addicted to the OM. On D day they were caught which means they were not ready to end the affair. They were in fantasy land and did not want to leave there at that time.

 

 

So they are going to still have attachment feelings to the OM. They need to detox. They need to face reality.

 

 

Though just because the WW was in an affair does not mean they were going to leave their marriage.

 

 

So the WW is torn, normal.

 

 

So many WW's do not have a clean break with the OM.

 

 

Today is not about how D day went down.

 

 

Today is about how this WW is doing everything that she needs to do post D day. So stop attacking this BH from recovering his marriage.

 

Thanks Road for your support!

 

I've said this several times now. The crime was her having sex with another man and falling in love. The details are just that but do not really change the crime in my view. Affairs are an ugly business and from what I've seen the past 5 months my WW did much better than many WW's in ending it. She ended it when I asked and has kept NC. She has been open and honest since. Yeah the details hurt but really no more than the betrayal. It's all bad.

 

Really guys, you can question my decision all you want but I'm trying to reconcile and that is my focus for the foreseeable future. I'm happy to respond to your posts and defend my decision but you're not going to change my mind or make me feel bad or second guess my decision. I'm committed to this but I also have my eyes open.

[wasabi555]

 

Thanks for reminding me of those dark days.

 

Yes I wrote ALL that and yes it makes me angry and hurts even now. I'm at a loss as how to explain her actions especially given all the things she has said and done since and 31 years of devotion prior. I'm also at a loss as to how I can defend that behavior because it's clearly not defensible. What I've learned is that someone that is in the midst of an affair is not thinking about anyone but themselves and what they want. She did not know I knew the first time I confronted her so maybe in her mind things were not serious. She did think she was hiding the affair well. It been months since we talked about that situation and I guess I need to see what her response is now and I'll update you.

 

She knows what she would get in a divorce, if she did not know then she knows now because we have discussed it at length. After a divorce her lifestyle would not have to change much if at all and she would not have to work for the rest of her life. So my fears about her staying for financial reasons were unfounded, I was thinking about her lack of earning ability and ongoing income not the sale and division of assets that if she properly managed it would allow her life to remain much the same as it is now. So with that knowledge that she could be free of me and still live how she lives now yet she still chooses to try to make this work. That tells me she loves me and wants to be with me.

 

I'm not sure if I ever shared this here, but the morning after that first confrontation I left the house very early, maybe around 4am, and she knew I was devastated as I could not even talk to her. I got to my office and pulled out a loaded 9mm Glock I keep in my top drawer. And I sat with that 9mm in my hand until bout 8am thinking about everything that had happened. I decided that morning that she was not worth my life. That was the longest 4 hours of my life but it made things crystal clear to me. I don't think anyone really knows what their true beliefs are until they are under that type of pressure with a loaded gun in their hand. I put the gun away and I contacted my attorney later that morning and got the ball rolling on the divorce and that was my plan until I gave her the ultimatum about a month later.

 

When I asked her for the truth on ultimatum day she gave it all to me even details I asked about sex. She looked at me and told me how sorry she was and how relieved she was that it was over. She has always been a strong confident women but that day I saw how broken and weak she was. I told her she could move out and I would support her until the divorce was final. We talked about a lot of things. She asked me for a second chance several times and said she would spend the rest of her life devoted to me. I told her the story about sitting at my desk with the loaded gun and how I almost ended my life. And as I was telling her that I think the true scope of what she had done and what she could have lost hit her like a ton of bricks and she became distraught. I don't think someone that did not care deeply for me could fake the response she had. She was shaking and inconsolable for over an hour. And other than that last call to the OM that happened two days later she has kept everyone of her promises. I think she saw what was important and my story shocked her backed to reality.

 

There are different kinds of love. The kind of love a mother feels for the child, the kind of love you feel for your childhood best friend that you grew up with etc. You guys were together for 31 years. So, even at her worst, she never stopped loving(not the regular definition of love) you as she did not hate you. But I think the love she felt for you and the love she felt for him are different.

 

Was she concerned that you would commit suicide if she left you(the glock story) ? Realizing that, did she jump back into the marriage ? Did she sacrifice her "love" for the life long relationship with you ? Do I make sense ?

[Mazerati]

Thanks Road for your support!

 

I've said this several times now. The crime was her having sex with another man and falling in love. The details are just that but do not really change the crime in my view. Affairs are an ugly business and from what I've seen the past 5 months my WW did much better than many WW's in ending it. She ended it when I asked and has kept NC. She has been open and honest since. Yeah the details hurt but really no more than the betrayal. It's all bad.

 

Really guys, you can question my decision all you want but I'm trying to reconcile and that is my focus for the foreseeable future. I'm happy to respond to your posts and defend my decision but you're not going to change my mind or make me feel bad or second guess my decision. I'm committed to this but I also have my eyes open.

 

Well said. I hope that all continues in the positive direction. Road smacked it on the head.

 

I do not, nor ever wanted you to break up. I simply wanted to ensure your eyes remain steadfastly open and you are ever vigilant. Emotions sometimes trumps logic when making decisions. VBM you have been both pragmatic and emotional. You listened, and learned. You've admitted flaws on both sides, and seem to be working together. May it continue.

 

Don't have to say it, but will anyway.

 

TRUST, BUT VERIFY

[VeryBrokenMan]

 

There are different kinds of love. The kind of love a mother feels for the child, the kind of love you feel for your childhood best friend that you grew up with etc. You guys were together for 31 years. So, even at her worst, she never stopped loving(not the regular definition of love) you as she did not hate you. But I think the love she felt for you and the love she felt for him are different.

 

Was she concerned that you would commit suicide if she left you(the glock story) ? Realizing that, did she jump back into the marriage ? Did she sacrifice her "love" for the life long relationship with you ? Do I make sense ?

 

She felt infatuation for him. Does anyone fall in love in 77 days?

 

I'm sure the suicide is in the back of her mind even though I told her she was not worth it. Are you are asking if she is staying out of a sense of duty to me and does not want to see me hurt myself so she is sacrificing her love?It's possible . But I don't see a less than 3 month fling as being true love do you? She has also said many times she did not think about any type of future with him nor were there any discussions in the texts about that.

[wasabi555]

 

She felt infatuation for him. Does anyone fall in love in 77 days?

 

I'm sure the suicide is in the back of her mind even though I told her she was not worth it. Are you are asking if she is staying out of a sense of duty to me and does not want to see me hurt myself so she is sacrificing her love?It's possible . But I don't see a less than 3 month fling as being true love do you? She has also said many times she did not think about any type of future with him nor were there any discussions in the texts about that.

 

No, I am not talking about her love for him(or whatever it was). That is a different topic.

 

Pretty much what you said. But she is not sacrificing her love for OM.

 

I am asking about the nature of her current love for you. I mean to ask if she could have enough love(shared life experiences,kids) to stay with you for the rest of your life(and hers) and have sex with you even though the kind of love is not love one should have for your partner.

[VeryBrokenMan]

 

No, I am not talking about her love for him(or whatever it was). That is a different topic.

 

Pretty much what you said. But she is not sacrificing her love for OM.

 

I am asking about the nature of her current love for you. I mean to ask if she could have enough love(shared life experiences,kids) to stay with you for the rest of your life(and hers) and have sex with you even though the kind of love is not love one should have for your partner.

 

We have talked at length about what love is and what it is not. She contends she has always loved me even during the affair. I believe that she did not love me like she should have and there is a thread here at LS that we discussed that very topic a few weeks ago.

 

I don't see how you can love someone and hurt them by having an affair and I don't think anyone that has never had an affair can understand the thinking that leads to an affair. I've also come to believe that some people will never cheat no matter what and others will and we don't really understand the other type or what their thought process is.

 

My wife contends the given the right woman and right circumstances that I would cheat on her and I disagree. And I have tested this and passed. About 8 years ago I had a very attractive woman who was very interested in me contact me. She was a former client and lived out of town. One day she called me out of the blue having not spoken for a few years and we talked for about an hour. I spoke with her a couple of times after that until I realized that she was very interested in having an affair. She was married but said she was willing to travel to me and "give me what my wife would not". She was in the same league as my wife, had a great body and all the attributes you would want in a FWB. She had always been very flirty in the past but I never saw it as more than that. I really enjoyed the conversations we had, she was funny and witty and someone that I would have had good time with just hanging out. But I immediately broke it off and asked her not to contact me again even though I could have easily kept the secret and had an affair with her. Some might say the 3 phone calls were an emotional affair, I disagree because I was not even aware that she was interested and I had zero interest in her. I just enjoyed talking to her but it was a totally platonic intention on my part. I feel like I'm one of the "never cheat" types.

 

My fWW have discussed why I was able to end that relationship and she was not and we have not come to a conclusion. But I think somewhere deep in our brains some of us are more able to be monogamous than others. I can't explain the abhorrent behavior of cheaters any other way. Affairs happen in about 50% of marriages so our story is not unique and there are so many other spouses out there that are willing to risk their happy marriages for that infatuation fix. Some do it over and over. The woman that called me was one of those. I'm just glad I'm not one of those men.

 

So how are they able to hurt their spouse when still in love with them? The best explanation that I've found is that when the WS is in an affair they are operating completely from the assumption that they will never be caught and all their decisions are made based on that assumption. So when they say they never intended to hurt their partner what they are really saying is "I never intended to get caught". As we know most do and with tragic consequences for most marriages.

[turnera]

VBM, what your wife has described is VERY common for women who end up in affairs. VERY. Typically, women cheat to have an emotional connection; men cheat to get sex. And women very often GIVE the man sex so he'll keep coming back with the conversation, attention, "respect," and "feelings." Even if deep down they know it's all fake and he's just another horny dog.

 

As long as you keep verifying, I'm pretty sure she's learned her lesson. I'm also pretty sure that you two now will no longer take each other for granted and you'll go on to have a much more fulfilling marriage.

[bigman1]

I think that you may be focusing on the wrong thing. the issue of whether she loves him or loves you is more of a comparison and a competition between you and him and that doesn't lead to any thing productive. because he should not have been in the running anyway. Whether she loved you or not is likewise not really the question. to ask that gien your facts really is more so you seeking affirmation from her. after all if you can wrap yourself in the idea that she loved you then maybe you can work through this, but that will still leave other questions unanswered

 

you have touched upon the real issue which is her degree of commitment to you. because quite honestly that is really going to be the issue moving forward. if she not committed to you then she's going to cheat on you with him or someone else again.

 

that you have chosen to reconcile is perfectly understandable given 31 years together. you need to get to the real meat and potatoes of why she cheated, why she lied, and whether she is someone worth finishing the rest of your life out with. what I mean by that is is she safe? I don't care about the love you so much because I've seen men love their wives beat them and kill them and I've seen mothers love their children beat them and kill them. they just weren't safe for them. I'm not calling your wife a murderer, what I am saying is that love and commitment and relationship safety are all different issues.

 

I wish you luck as you go down this path. just because I would not have chosen it does not mean that you should not have chosen it. I will point out that the tough questions that you get here are valid. once you can answer these voices on the web you will be able to answer the voices that will be in your head and in your heart later on.

 

sorry for typos and punctuation but I'm using a phone

[beach]

She has agreed to take a poly and wants to. I need to know that as well.

 

Why do you keep waiting? It's been months and months.

[sidney2718]

Thanks Road for your support!

 

I've said this several times now. The crime was her having sex with another man and falling in love. The details are just that but do not really change the crime in my view. Affairs are an ugly business and from what I've seen the past 5 months my WW did much better than many WW's in ending it. She ended it when I asked and has kept NC. She has been open and honest since. Yeah the details hurt but really no more than the betrayal. It's all bad.

 

Really guys, you can question my decision all you want but I'm trying to reconcile and that is my focus for the foreseeable future. I'm happy to respond to your posts and defend my decision but you're not going to change my mind or make me feel bad or second guess my decision. I'm committed to this but I also have my eyes open.

 

I think you've made your wishes known. I support you. Try to work things out. If you and your wife fail, you can still divorce.

 

Just be aware that a reconciliation is a long term process. It doesn't happen overnight. There will be bad days. But don't make the basic mistake of constantly making your wife feel terrible. That's an easy thing to slip into, but in the end it is a disastrous policy.

 

But you two can rediscover the fun and joy of being together. And trust can grow because you know that for a reconciliation to work you will at some point have to trust again. You can (and probably have) made it clear to her that this is her last chance. And you have to mean it. But you don't have to hit her with it every day. Remember, you want a wife who can hold her head up with a sense of self-worth. I doubt she has that now. You have to let it grow.

 

Good luck VBM!

[sidney2718]

that you have chosen to reconcile is perfectly understandable given 31 years together. you need to get to the real meat and potatoes of why she cheated, why she lied, and whether she is someone worth finishing the rest of your life out with. what I mean by that is is she safe? I don't care about the love you so much because I've seen men love their wives beat them and kill them and I've seen mothers love their children beat them and kill them. they just weren't safe for them. I'm not calling your wife a murderer, what I am saying is that love and commitment and relationship safety are all different issues.

 

I think that men often don't get the reasons why their wives have affairs. Worse, they ask their wives and don't believe the stories they get. Why? Because the story isn't dramatic enough.

 

Folks in affairs compartmentalize. In many cases the affair partners don't give a thought to getting caught. They don't expect to be caught. And they don't give much thought to the long term future of the affair because they are not thinking of it as a long term thing. It is a hear and now thing.

 

There is a thrill involved. One feels that one still "has it!" and is attractive to the other sex. The attention is wonderful. The sex is very good in a strange way. Some women restrain themselves in bed with their husbands. Why? Because they are good women and not sluts. They won't do what they think is slutty.

 

But with the affair partner that never comes up. They can be much more free because he wants it and it feels good and he loves you for it.

 

Does that mean that she has stopped loving her husband? Generally not. She loves her husband in a very different way. They have lived their lives together. They've seen each other under the worst conditions, not the best. Their lives are predictable and mostly good but after all those years there's not much sense of adventure. But there is a deep connection.

 

Which is why folks post here. If they have a cheating spouse, why not just divorce them? In fact after DDay why doesn't the cheater file for divorce? The answer is that they do NOT want a divorce, even though in many cases that's the only logical end to things.

 

So in my view this is a very complex business. The OP has probably asked his wife why? And she's probably told him the truth. My guess her answer had to do with her NOT being out of love with her husband, but instead it had to do with rediscovering youth and romance and something new.