Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Bryanp]

How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? She is playing you for a complete fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

1. Get tested for STD's

2. Get a top notch lawyer

 

If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you?

[Timmos]

Give her exactly what she wants, and what she deserves. Pack her bags and drop her off on his doorstep.

 

Go 180. If there's any chance of real reconciliation, you'll soon find out.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

I might add that she has a very comfortable life, has never had to work and was treated like a queen. Yes I lost focus on her at times but it was to build both of us a brighter future. But we never fought, always had sex and were always friends. I'm worried that she only wants to stay together for the financial aspects as her AP could never come close to the type life she has now.

 

I read this post from start to finish. See what is quoted above? There's your answer and the thing is no one had to tell you. You wrote the above quote so you know the answer to the question.

 

Now the biggest hurdle your going to have to face isn't hiring a lawyer and pitching her ass out but coming to grips with this, getting some steel in your back bone and re attach your stones and open your eyes to the reality of the situation.

 

What she's offering you is more empty promises just so long as she can keep her life style, nothing more. That's is her number one priority and she's going to go to the max to preserve it not to make you feel better but for her own interest and if you let this happen, then you will spend the rest of your life living in a mental hell.

 

Get a lawyer, get your finances in order and have her served and do it quick. She started this mess and you need to end it and don't worry about playing hard ball with her because I promise you she will play it with you when push comes to shove.

[sidney2718]

Every answer you seek in in that conversation.

 

You are at best plan B. A poor substitute for her OM. She loves him and would rather be with him than you.

 

None of what she said was a lie.

 

And it's more than likely - more than probable - it's a near certainty she will take up with him again once she has done damage control and you are back in line.

 

I didn't read it that way. I agree that none of it was a lie and I agree that she still has strong feelings for the OM, but the answers sounded like those of a person who had made the decision to go back to her husband. It also sounded like the dying of an affair, not a secret plan to continue later. There would have been hints of that if there were such plans.

 

My opinion, worth what you pay for it.

[oldshirt]

. I'm worried that she only wants to stay together for the financial aspects as her AP could never come close to the type life she has now.

 

Do I believe her actions now or what she told him?

 

seeing how she was seeing him and having sex with him, I think her actions there and what she told him are congruent. you have to believe that what she was telling him was truthful. this was a very serious and entrenched relationship.

 

 

your concerns that she is putting on a "model citizen" front to preserve her lifestyle and financial perks of marriage are well founded. This is a very serious situation.

 

 

You are going to have to play some serious hardball to keep from getting taken to the cleaners and to keep from getting strung along and cuckholded here.

[Ruby Slippers]

That I’m not really sorry I did this because you came to mean so much to me.

 

And I'm not sorry we had this relationship, I'm sorry that I got caught

 

Oh yeah, he will. I’ll tell him we just talked for 2 or 3 minutes and I told you bye.

 

And I need you to know that I really do love you and it’s really hard for me to let you go.

Wow. That is ice cold-hearted.

 

I can't imagine staying with a person like that. She's essentially telling him that he means more to her than you do. Ouch!

[aliveagain]

As long as they have secrets between them you can consider yourself plan "B." She expected him to step up and take her away to fantasy land, but he didn't which suggests to me he's not as invested in being with her as she is with him, she may just be a married piece on the side. Is he married, if so have you informed his wife or girlfriend about the affair? She told him she is available in the mornings, she intends to continue the affair. You may want to hide a VAR(voice activated recorder) near where she usually has her telephone conversations at home as well as one velcro'ed under her car seat.

 

The truth is you have all the information you need to divorce, you need to decide what it is you really want. Staying with someone who considers you as her fallback position will be additional humiliation, do what is best for you and don't act out of fear. She lost her say regarding the marriage when she chose other man, you set the terms of reconciliation if that is what you want, make sure that is what you want. Make her do the work to fix this mess, if she only does the minimal ask her to leave. Make sure you consult a lawyer.

[Trimmer]

I didn't read it that way. I agree that none of it was a lie and I agree that she still has strong feelings for the OM, but the answers sounded like those of a person who had made the decision to go back to her husband. It also sounded like the dying of an affair, not a secret plan to continue later. There would have been hints of that if there were such plans.

I agree, but it's also pretty clear that she's very reluctantly made the decision to go back to her husband - sounding like she's being dragged under duress (probably to avoid losing her standard of living?) - not that she is returning because she realizes that what she did was wrong, and that she was headed down the wrong path.

 

Also, realize that since she knows you have access to virtually any of her communications, you will probably not get any more useful intelligence from the PI, as your wife will be cautious in proportion to her understanding of the depth of your data collection. You have openly demonstrated that you have very deep access; she will therefore be VERY careful as a result. Anything you are able to intercept from here on, you have to assume she is speaking/writing with full knowledge that you are listening in.

 

Wow. What are the transcripts for what the OM was saying? Is this even legal to get a transcript of a phone call?

Let me just say that I'm not necessarily taking the OP to task here, but I would suggest you be VERY VERY careful. Many states have a requirement that you must have the permission of one of the parties being recorded, and some states require that you have the permission of ALL parties being recorded. There is also an overarching Federal Wiretap Act - some Federal circuit courts have ruled that this law prohibits surveillance within a marriage, a few others have ruled that it does not.

 

Bottom line: it is a serious area, and the revelation of the intercepted communications to other parties adds to the severity. You may have a vulnerability here, and you should educate yourself about that so you are not surprised by it later.

 

Again, I'm not making a moral judgment, or taking you to task (hell, I looked at my wife's phone to figure out whether she might be banging the OM), and I'm not a lawyer - I'm just warning you that you are possibly on thin ice here, especially since you have clearly revealed to your wife that you have been intercepting her conversations. If it comes to a divorce, and she happens to mention to her lawyer, "well, he had a PI wiretap my phone conversations, and he confronted me with a transcript...," that lawyer would be an idiot if he/she didn't try to hold that over your head, possibly as a criminal issue.

 

Educate yourself and understand whether you have revealed a vulnerability to your wife. If so, you just have to hope that (a) she doesn't realize it, or (b) if she does realize it, she chooses not to use it against you.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I could not imagine doing this to her so can anyone give me any insight on cheaters? Do I believe her actions now or what she told him?

I would have not insisted on the call for 'closure,' in the first place and just cut my losses there.

 

But I believe she was truthful to her boyfriend and lying to you.

 

I feel for you, bro. Good luck.

[Man Mountain Makino]

These are some excepts from the call to her lover, she said it was two or three minutes but it was actually 75 minutes.

 

Does this sound like someone that I should forgive and try to reconcile with? (Serious question, my judgement is not great right now)

 

Excerpts:

 

01:41:00

I’d live in a cardboard box if I could escape all this right now

 

That's the most laugh out loud funniest thing I have read all week. Not laughing at your situation, but the fact that she would say that when she clearly doesn't mean it. She can walk out your door anytime she wants, yet she isn't. Something is keeping her at home, for now.

 

Sorry you must endure this, bro. Praying for you.

[DivorcedDad123]

Sorry for what you're going through OP. Just giving you a realistic reality check in case you decide to file for divorce. Things you need to plan for.

The affair sucks,but in most states it won't matter one little bit to the judge.

Her and her attorney will paint you as a controlling,mean,terrible person and she was just yearning for compassion and appreciation.

 

1)She's never had to work and the marriage was 31 years.You're likely looking at lifetime alimony.

2) The home you share will either go to her, or you'll get to sell it and split the equity,or you buy her half of the equity out.

3) She'll get half of your life savings,401K,etc.,,

4)You'll likely get saddled with all of the marital debt. She has no work experience,so she can't be expected to pay it.

5) You'll need a life insurance policy in case you pass on,so that she can continue to be cared for, with the amount the court deems fit for her lifestyle.

 

All this said, it's worth it. Whatever you decide,keep these things in mind and make sure you know the judges in your county. Learn about how they rule in the majority of cases. Go sit in during a divorce hearing so you can see it firsthand.

Also, if you take her back,and have sex with her, you can never bring the affair up in court, because you will have forgiven her in the eyes of the law.

[Be_Strong]

Just a few clarifications about the above post regarding divorces. First, no-fault divorces are now available in all 50 states. You can get divorced for any or no reason. The fact of an affair taking place has zero relevance to the property distribution between the spouses or to child custody determinations. The only way that an affair may factor into the equation is that it could allow you to avoid required reconciliation efforts that a lot of states require before permitting a no-fault divorce to take place.

 

You will definitely pay alimony and your marital assets and /or debt will largely be split 50-50. Divorce will lower the financial standard of living for both of you, but your wife will be hit harder. Alimony varies widely in the States, with some states allowing lifetime alimony and others only allowing a brief period of alimony with caps on the maximum amount. Please go see a local attorney and at least get an idea of what to exper from a divorce and what you need to do to protect yourself in the event you go down that route.

[Realist3]

Wow. What are the transcripts for what the OM was saying? Is this even legal to get a transcript of a phone call?

 

No, it is not legal and she could sue the crap out of him. There are two standards in the US depending on the state in which you reside; one party consent, and two party consent. That refers to the participants. Third party recording not involved in the communication is considered a criminal wiretapping offense.

 

There was a case in Michigan a few years ago where this took place and the BS who was recorded wiped her BH out in court.

[jm2013]

Sorry for what you're going through OP. Just giving you a realistic reality check in case you decide to file for divorce. Things you need to plan for.

The affair sucks,but in most states it won't matter one little bit to the judge.

Her and her attorney will paint you as a controlling,mean,terrible person and she was just yearning for compassion and appreciation.

 

1)She's never had to work and the marriage was 31 years.You're likely looking at lifetime alimony.

2) The home you share will either go to her, or you'll get to sell it and split the equity,or you buy her half of the equity out.

3) She'll get half of your life savings,401K,etc.,,

4)You'll likely get saddled with all of the marital debt. She has no work experience,so she can't be expected to pay it.

5) You'll need a life insurance policy in case you pass on,so that she can continue to be cared for, with the amount the court deems fit for her lifestyle.

 

All this said, it's worth it. Whatever you decide,keep these things in mind and make sure you know the judges in your county. Learn about how they rule in the majority of cases. Go sit in during a divorce hearing so you can see it firsthand.

Also, if you take her back,and have sex with her, you can never bring the affair up in court, because you will have forgiven her in the eyes of the law.

 

I'm not sure where you or him live but lifetime alimony is a little far fetched if he resides in the US. I'm in Ohio and my lawyer said it is 12 months for every five years of marriage. With that being said, alimony here can be negotiated. In fact, most things can be negotiated unless it heads to court for a divorce. That's why working within a dissolution is best for all parties and most cost effective. Most states in the USA are no fault divorce. Meaning they could care less why you're divorcing and only care about the financial aspects of the divorce, custody and visitation if there are kids involved. If he feels his finances would be extremely threatened by divorce he can slowly start extracting the cash and keeping it in a safe place. When the court date happens he could just say he blew on the money on gambling, hookers or whatever.

[Realist3]

 

Let me just say that I'm not necessarily taking the OP to task here, but I would suggest you be VERY VERY careful. Many states have a requirement that you must have the permission of one of the parties being recorded, and some states require that you have the permission of ALL parties being recorded. There is also an overarching Federal Wiretap Act - some Federal circuit courts have ruled that this law prohibits surveillance within a marriage, a few others have ruled that it does not.

 

Bottom line: it is a serious area, and the revelation of the intercepted communications to other parties adds to the severity. You may have a vulnerability here, and you should educate yourself about that so you are not surprised by it later.

 

Again, I'm not making a moral judgment, or taking you to task (hell, I looked at my wife's phone to figure out whether she might be banging the OM), and I'm not a lawyer - I'm just warning you that you are possibly on thin ice here, especially since you have clearly revealed to your wife that you have been intercepting her conversations. If it comes to a divorce, and she happens to mention to her lawyer, "well, he had a PI wiretap my phone conversations, and he confronted me with a transcript...," that lawyer would be an idiot if he/she didn't try to hold that over your head, possibly as a criminal issue.

 

Educate yourself and understand whether you have revealed a vulnerability to your wife. If so, you just have to hope that (a) she doesn't realize it, or (b) if she does realize it, she chooses not to use it against you.

 

THIS. When or if this comes to court her attorney is going to burn him civilly and perhaps criminally.

 

I don't fault the OP for doing it, I fault the PI. He knew what he was doing was illegal. In any event the OP should never have disclosed this information he gathered to the WW.

[Be_Strong]

I am not the biggest advocate here of the 180. I think it should be used in only certain situations, whereas others will advise to go 180 in every situation. Having said that, I think your situation is the most perfect scenario I could come up with for using the 180. If ever the 180 should be used, it is now.

 

I can tell that you really love your wife. I see so much of myself in you. I'm sure that what you want most here is for your wife to come back to you, for you guys to reconcile, and to live happily ever after. First, let me just say it is possible to accomplish that goal. Like you, I obtained a ton of information and intercepted communications between my spouse and AP that most BS's don't ever have access to. Having that information both makes things a lot harder at first, because you see the true details and aspects of the affair that are so painful to learn, but also makes the reconciliation/healing process easier in the end I think because all of the ugly details have been laid bare and get dealt with.

 

If there is one truth that you need to realize more than anything else in the entire world right now, it is that if you want your wife back you need to do everything in your power to separate from her. I know it is so counterintuitive and difficult to do when everything in you wants to cling to her. The saying around here that you can't nice your spouse out of an affair is 100% true. As you go down the path of the 180 and separation/divorce from your wife, things will look hopeless. She will do everything in her power to call your bluff and see if you actually have the balls to follow through with it. Probably at the moment you feel all hope is lost and resign yourself to the fact that you and your wife have no chance of staying together, she will pop out of her affair bubble and you will see a glimmer of your pre-affair wife for the first time in a long time.

 

I thought the final nail was in the coffin of my marriage on multiple occasions, but here I am now still married and actively reconciling. Looking back, all of the progress I made with my wife took place not when I was being nice and trying to cling to her, but when I was being strong and taking real actions to leave her.

[BeholdtheMan]

But I'm very torn because since confronting her with the transcript from the call she has been a model citizen.

 

Do you have the strength to face the ugly truth or are you going to stick your head in the sand? Your choice OP

[Realist3]

Do you have the strength to face the ugly truth or are you going to stick your head in the sand? Your choice OP

 

He should tread very lightly. If he decides to divorce the illegal wiretapping WILL most certainly come up.

 

This is how it will go. "Your wife would like 80% of the marital assets including all of the house. This will satisfy her desire not to file a civil case and or file criminal charges."

 

The guy is screwed. She doesn't know it yet, but when her attorney gets wind of this he will take him to the cleaners. And you know what? He will give it all up because he wan't want to go to jail.

[DivorcedDad123]

"I'm not sure where you or him live but lifetime alimony is a little far fetched if he resides in the US."

 

It's up to the individual judge,the mood he/she's in,what they had for breakfast, or how they slept the night before and testimony. She's had no working history during a long(by todays standards) marriage. Her and her atty will play that up with the "she sacrificed her career to take care of his home" routine.Rehabilitative alimony would be excrutiatingly long. She'd need to go to college,get a degree,graduate,not change majors,and then find a job that offers some sort of lifestyle that she's accustomed to,all the while never having worked during the marriage.

Status quo wins the day.

 

"He should tread very lightly. If he decides to divorce the illegal wiretapping WILL most certainly come up"

 

He's not liable for a 3rd parties illegal wiretapping. If she brings up charges,it would need to be against the PI.All his attorney would need to say is "My client had no knowledge that wiretapping was taking place".

[Be_Strong]

He should tread very lightly. If he decides to divorce the illegal wiretapping WILL most certainly come up.

 

This is how it will go. "Your wife would like 80% of the marital assets including all of the house. This will satisfy her desire not to file a civil case and or file criminal charges."

 

The guy is screwed. She doesn't know it yet, but when her attorney gets wind of this he will take him to the cleaners. And you know what? He will give it all up because he wan't want to go to jail.

Wiretap laws vary widely from state to state. His action could be perfectly legal in one state or a felony in another. The repercussions vary widely as well. In some states, the result will simply be that he is prevented from using the recorded call as evidence against his wife. Yet another reason why he should consult an attorney right away.

 

The one thing I can guarantee though is that if any lawyer said what you've typed in quotes, they could get disbarred, because it's a big no-no for a lawyer to threaten criminal charges to obtain an advantage in a civil matter.

[Be_Strong]

"I'm not sure where you or him live but lifetime alimony is a little far fetched if he resides in the US."

 

It's up to the individual judge,the mood he/she's in,what they had for breakfast, or how they slept the night before and testimony.

That's just not true in all circumstances. Many states have statutes that expressly limit the length and/or amount of alimony.

[Realist3]

VeryBrokenMan,

 

I believe she was speaking the truth in that call as she saw it at the time.

 

When two people bond emotionally it is very real. He filled a void that she longed for, or she would not have risked losing you. WS will always try and minimize the true bond, and BS like to pretend it is just fantasy. Those are protection mechanisms on both sides. You were given the truth of the depth of their feelings. It is going to take her a good amount of time to get over her loss. Feelings like that don't just vanish into thin air because of a d-day.

 

 

In my opinion, this statement right here is going to be the ultimate issue in whether reconciliation is possible.

 

You know that and the fact that you were filling a void I have with him and now I don’t have you either.

 

You may or may not be capable of filling that void, and that isn't your fault. She obviously placed a big importance on it, so going forward how much importance does she place on that void?

[jm2013]

VeryBrokenMan,

 

I believe she was speaking the truth in that call as she saw it at the time.

 

When two people bond emotionally it is very real. He filled a void that she longed for, or she would not have risked losing you. WS will always try and minimize the true bond, and BS like to pretend it is just fantasy. Those are protection mechanisms on both sides. You were given the truth of the depth of their feelings. It is going to take her a good amount of time to get over her loss. Feelings like that don't just vanish into thin air because of a d-day.

 

 

In my opinion, this statement right here is going to be the ultimate issue in whether reconciliation is possible.

 

 

 

You may or may not be capable of filling that void, and that isn't your fault. She obviously placed a big importance on it, so going forward how much importance does she place on that void?

 

You know what's ironic? Even if she left for the OM I would bet that void empties again. It is what happens in marriage. Things get routine and each party loses focus on things. I agree with you though. I think his wife was being sincere in the call. Especially if she was crying. Right there is a clear emotional signal of honesty.

[Realist3]

"I'm not sure where you or him live but lifetime alimony is a little far fetched if he resides in the US."

 

 

 

"He should tread very lightly. If he decides to divorce the illegal wiretapping WILL most certainly come up"

 

He's not liable for a 3rd parties illegal wiretapping. If she brings up charges,it would need to be against the PI.All his attorney would need to say is "My client had no knowledge that wiretapping was taking place".

 

The PI was under his employ. It would be pretty difficult to argue that the OP did not know what was taking place when he allowed the 'closure call' to take place. That was the sole intent.

[cif]

VeryBrokenMan?

 

Could everybody stop talking divorce.. maybe he wants to reconcile.