Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[frogss29]

the main reasons for cheating....because i want to...because i am selfish and not thinking of anyone but me...because you are not giving me the attention i want..because i wanted to...because i wanted to...because i wanted to

 

 

 

Feel better?

 

of course not

 

you want to know WHY damn-it....

 

and even though the reasons are given...they don't make a bit of sense

 

Stop asking why...and start asking HOW

How do we move on from here

How do we get past this

How do we repair the damage YOU have caused

How do we HEAL

 

Those questions have answers that actually help

 

I ask myself WHY and I am sure John Asks why...and for 32 years....we have not had an answer that helps us

 

Just accept the fact that the cheater...WANTED to cheat...because at any time we could have said NO and we didn't.

 

Why did you cheat honey?

Because i wanted to

 

 

End of story

 

 

How can we move on?

Remorse...forgiveness...time...and LOVE

 

That is how we move on

 

I understand the WHY.....dont like it, but understand it.

I understand HOW .....the hard work from both sides.

I would love to understand WHAT the WS feels during the hard work.

[beach]

When is the polygraph?

 

 

You want answers... Why is this delayed at this point? You've stated you wished to delay until things settle down - but now it just isn't scheduled?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I understand the WHY.....dont like it, but understand it.

I understand HOW .....the hard work from both sides.

I would love to understand WHAT the WS feels during the hard work.

 

I can only speak for me of course

 

I have worked very hard...i have been totally transparent...not because he asked ...but because i wanted to...I have done everything i knew he needed...not because he expected...but because i wanted to

 

You ask What was i feeling? Gratitude, hope, love,...and that he was worth every minute. I have not regretted one minute of the hard work...I only wish i had understood sooner...I wish i had given him what he needed sooner....but it has been worth it.

 

I am the luckiest woman on earth.

 

I have tried to explain many times to VBM...that his short time since DDay...is too soon for him to declare remorse and forgiveness. It took us 30 years...you are not going to accomplish this in a few months...there is entirely too much to process...too many obstacles to overcome...too much hurt to get past.

 

But he argues and says he knows all the answers...well good luck with that dude...you got this....

 

I will sit back and watch.....

[Mazerati]

You can look at it the other way to... I believe she did not orgasm so how emotionally invested could she have been?

 

We talked about the sex at the motel in detail again Friday night. The story never changes, it was not a passion filled romp. It was him getting off and not really caring for her needs at all. She said she thought it might be better the second time in a real bed. I mean that is about as honest an answer I'm going to get. The thing that bothers me is that she was willing to give up sex for the emotional connection and attention.

 

We also talked about if she was happy or not. And from about 1 month post DDay she has been saying she was happy. But Friday night she said that "You can look at everything on paper and it looks good but in reality things are not really good". That is new information and I did not followup but I see now that did not sit well with me. I need to pursue that statement and see what she means.

 

This is why I mentioned the emotional investment aspect. It looks good on paper, but...

Her actual reality is conflicting with your perception of her reality. Essentially you believed that things were good, now the other shoe falls. Your reality is far different from hers. "Things are not really good". I agree you need to pursue this, but not to see what she means, instead, what is the transparent truth.

VBM, she has once again hid her feelings, and to be honest lied. You had no clue.

In previous posts you talked about not having the wool pulled over your eyes, and you qualified that by saying it never happened in business.

In your marriage, and adding the emotional part caused by her A, and you have been fooled more than once in a very short timeframe, by your partner, your wife. It's been how long and she is still keeping the entire truth private? Think about it.

Just now you posted she was emotionally attached to the OM more than she initially led on. This is why I think she is withholding the full truth regarding the physical as well as the emotional aspect of the A, and her feelings regarding the OM. She doesn't want you to know.

VBM, I don't think you are reading her body language, voice, and mannerisms as well as you believe. You are not sure if she still feels for OM, or how she felt about him. You say she is not good at hiding. I disagree, she is counting on your trust to hide in plain sight.

 

It makes me think she is lying but her description of what he did does not match at all with what she likes and I feel like she is telling the truth

 

I don't think trust but verify applies at the moment. You need to know the verified truth.

I do hope you can save your marriage, but until there is truth and transparency, how can that happen?

Again these are points to ponder in your quest my friend.

Take the blinders off!

 

Maz

Edited April 8, 2015 by Mazerati

[beach]

I really, really want to support your reconciliation, I do!

 

But...

 

I just can't quite put my finger on what is happening. Because you spend so many words defending all of her thoughts and actions trying to make it ok (when it's not ok) - I am conflicted by your constant defense of her bad behavior.

 

 

What she's done is not ok. But the way you keep trying to make it ok by justifying it and minimizing it actually makes me feel sick to my stomach for you.

 

Are you certain you are being honest with yourself?

[lgspot]

So give me the cliff notes from your experience... how do you see it progressing and ending?

 

I don't think anyone has the definitive Program notes.

Where do you see it going??

Where do you want it to go?

Where does SHE want it to go???

My wish----I hope there is a HAPPY ending to your story. Don't want to see you on Tinder or Adult Friend Finder.

 

I know it's not a good time for her on LS, but I would like to read some of her thoughts. Her own words.

I wish she could converse with Mrs Adams, Lion Heart, lovin, and some of the other ladies in R. An "R" group discussion so to speak.

I wish she could hear from a couple of guys where there was no attemp at R so she could see how fast it can all go away....

I wish she could see how big of an A$$ many of the OM are. How they play the WW. The criminal records, etc...

One thing I've seen though VBM---To this point, you've been happier with her than without her.

Blessings

[Marchhare]

When is the polygraph?

 

 

You want answers... Why is this delayed at this point? You've stated you wished to delay until things settle down - but now it just isn't scheduled?

 

The way I see it, the WW has said all the correct things. Yes, to taking the lie detector test. Very willing. Yes?

I believe if/when OP makes the appointment, WW will become nervous. So nervous the test will be postponed again for emotional reasons. WW will do her best to sooth OP, great sex, and supposed honesty in hopes that OP will call it off. OP will because he can read her like a book. He can't be fooled, he has admitted same. OP is far more clever than WW.

WW will be relieved.

But if OP does demand, wait for the hysterics the night before or day of. WW will either refuse, come clean, or make more excuses.

 

So whichever of those three things happen. The bottom line is do the LIE detector test anyway.

 

I hope for the best, but expect the worst

Edited April 8, 2015 by Marchhare

[bigman1]

I think that you are going to have to re evaluate how you are starting this whole process in the first place. I mean quite frankly you have received a lot of advice on how you were going about this in a way that was not necessarily advisable. I don't want to say the wrong way, but I will say in a way that has been strongly discouraged.

 

As far as asking for a map or plan of progress, I think that is also ill-advised. it would appear to me that if you are picking a certain end destination then you're going to overlook or even try to take shortcuts to get there and in this particular situation that is not advisable. I think its best if you let go of the outcome and really get to the root of everything and the truth of everything, both her feelings and thoughts and deeds coupled with your feelings and true ramifications of her act on you. reconciliation can be your preferred goal, but unless you embark on the scenic route, which involves looking at everything and assessing everything, what you will get is more rug sweeping and coping rather than true reconciliation. In short, commit to the process and then see where you end up. you might decide that reconciliation is not as you wanted it to be, or not where you really should be, or better than you had really hoped for it to be because you took the scenic route there by doing a thorough analysis of everything. logic want you to get to your chosen destination quickly, but reason gets you there properly. to get there you are going to have to deal with the real emotions that will cloud your judgement, make you uncomfortable, and all sorts of things that logic wants to avoid. reason says you have to go that way.

 

who knows where you will end up at the end, but if you're taking stuff off the table then you are doing yourself and your marriage a disservice.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I really, really want to support your reconciliation, I do!

 

But...

 

I just can't quite put my finger on what is happening. Because you spend so many words defending all of her thoughts and actions trying to make it ok (when it's not ok) - I am conflicted by your constant defense of her bad behavior.

 

 

What she's done is not ok. But the way you keep trying to make it ok by justifying it and minimizing it actually makes me feel sick to my stomach for you.

 

Are you certain you are being honest with yourself?

 

I'm not sure if I'm being honest with myself or with you guys. I tell myself I'm happy and I try to live that but I see my thoughts don't match my actions. I'm so under motivated right now it's ridiculous. Everything I do is just going through the motions. I make mistakes that I never made before. Little stuff like I ordered checks for our checking account and had the account number wrong. But I've done that over and over. I care so little about my work it's scary, I get in at 9 and leave by 4 every day and just do what's needed that day. No thoughts or plans for the future. Our income has taken a huge hit and I just don't care. I can't make myself care. I've really thought about just shutting down and letting everything crater. That's how little I care about anything right now.

 

I'm conflicted with my defense of her as well. I don't understand how I can defend someone who has done something so terrible. I should be on here telling you how much she sucks but I just don't feel that. If anyone can explain that I'd be glad to listen. Maybe I can't see where I'm justifying and minimizing things? Can anyone give me a list of areas where I'm justifying and minimizing?

 

I know how horrible the affair was. Who cheats on a partner of 31 years that has devoted his life to her needs and her children? And then says she was happy but the OM just made her feel good. Is it possible that I'm just still in shock and not feeling the rage? I feel like I should be angry more than I am. Much more angry. I have times when we are talking where I'm really ticked off for a few minutes but when I'm alone or not talking about the affair I'm not angry. I feel like I'm just dead inside, no hate, no anger, no love, just dead. Sex is the same way, it's just getting off now and I don't really feel anything. It's good physically but not emotionally I guess is the way to say it.

 

I also feel like she has not paid much of a price but what is that price? Really other than divorce there is not a price to pay is there? She can see my pain, she can change herself in positive ways but is that enough?

 

I guess what I'm feeling is that I'm lost right now. One side of me wants to leave and one side can't imagine leaving. She is really doing all I need and have asked. With the exception of my gut feel that I'm not getting the whole story when she tells me about the emotional side of the affair I think she has been honest and transparent for the past few months.

 

beach: When is the polygraph?

I promise it will happen but not now. I've talked to the polygraph operator quite a bit and he says to give it time. She needs to be calm and composed for the best results and to avoid false positives. The biggest question I have is "Was this your first affair" and that answer can wait a little while longer. She says it is, she told the OM it was and she is willing to take the poly so I think I already have the answer.

 

Mrs JA: You ask What was i feeling? Gratitude, hope, love,...and that he was worth every minute. I have not regretted one minute of the hard work...I only wish i had understood sooner...I wish i had given him what he needed sooner....but it has been worth it.

My wife is already saying things exactly like that. She says things like "I want to love you through this". And "I regret having the affair but I don't regret anything we have to do to recover". I ask why she wants this so bad and she says: "For YOU, you are worth the pain. I love you and always have and I will fight to keep you in my life". Is it possible that if you had you done that shortly after your affair 30 years ago your husband would have been healed sooner and would not be here now?

 

lgspot: I don't think anyone has the definitive Program notes.

Where do you see it going??

Where do you want it to go?

Where does SHE want it to go???

My wish----I hope there is a HAPPY ending to your story. Don't want to see you on Tinder or Adult Friend Finder.

 

I know it's not a good time for her on LS, but I would like to read some of her thoughts. Her own words.

I wish she could converse with Mrs Adams, Lion Heart, lovin, and some of the other ladies in R. An "R" group discussion so to speak.

I wish she could hear from a couple of guys where there was no attemp at R so she could see how fast it can all go away....

I wish she could see how big of an A$$ many of the OM are. How they play the WW. The criminal records, etc...

One thing I've seen though VBM---To this point, you've been happier with her than without her.

Blessings

I see us staying together, but in the last few days I'm concerned that I'm not going to be able to make that happen. The blowup last Friday really surprised me because I thought I was further along. She wants to save this and I know that for a fact. She could have walked from day 1 and she did not. She tells me she wants me and only me and it will never happen again and she tells me that over and over.

 

She does see how it could all be gone and she does see how she was played by the OM. She is disgusted by that and by her actions and I believe it when she tells me. The bottom line is that I am happy with her when we are not dealing with the affair.

bigman1: I think that you are going to have to re evaluate how you are starting this whole process in the first place. I mean quite frankly you have received a lot of advice on how you were going about this in a way that was not necessarily advisable. I don't want to say the wrong way, but I will say in a way that has been strongly discouraged.

 

As far as asking for a map or plan of progress, I think that is also ill-advised. it would appear to me that if you are picking a certain end destination then you're going to overlook or even try to take shortcuts to get there and in this particular situation that is not advisable. I think its best if you let go of the outcome and really get to the root of everything and the truth of everything, both her feelings and thoughts and deeds coupled with your feelings and true ramifications of her act on you. reconciliation can be your preferred goal, but unless you embark on the scenic route, which involves looking at everything and assessing everything, what you will get is more rug sweeping and coping rather than true reconciliation. In short, commit to the process and then see where you end up. you might decide that reconciliation is not as you wanted it to be, or not where you really should be, or better than you had really hoped for it to be because you took the scenic route there by doing a thorough analysis of everything. logic want you to get to your chosen destination quickly, but reason gets you there properly. to get there you are going to have to deal with the real emotions that will cloud your judgement, make you uncomfortable, and all sorts of things that logic wants to avoid. reason says you have to go that way.

 

who knows where you will end up at the end, but if you're taking stuff off the table then you are doing yourself and your marriage a disservice.

What am I taking off the table? You points make sense, just not sure what I'm taking off the table?

[VeryBrokenMan]

lgspot: I wish she could converse with Mrs Adams, Lion Heart, lovin, and some of the other ladies in R. An "R" group discussion so to speak.

I'm not going to tell her about this site because this is for me. But if anyone wants to ask tough questions of her I'll email her the questions and post her responses here.

 

What do you want to say to her?

 

What do you want to ask?

[Furious]

OP

 

You've been in extreme denial, rug sweeping, ignoring your gut and stubbornly refuse to face the facts about your wife.

 

She's an expert manipulator. The whole, I'll leave with nothing if I can't have you is similar to her telling the OM she'd live in cardboard box just so she get away from you...the controlling jealous husband she claimed you are.

 

I doubt she'd leave with nothing if you seriously filed for divorce. She knows you don't want to divorce her, she knows you've been bending over backwards to save your marriage. She's knows you better than you know yourself.

 

Geez, orgasm or not, she slept with this ex con. Geez, either way, she disrespected you and you bought the story how she lost her mother and sister moved away and the empty nest syndrome. Plenty of people lose a parent and siblings move away and kids grow up and start their own lives but don't cheat.

 

I support couples who reconcile, but in your circumstance, you've been quick to rush into it and that's what is worrying.

 

The "why" is horribly evident. She wanted to, she felt entitled.

 

At this point you've been focused on her and fail to focus on yourself. It's often easier to examine other's than it is to look in the mirror and face your own reflection.

[Marchhare]

I suspected something was up with my wife about 6 months ago and about two months ago I became very suspicious. Her phone and bathroom habits changed noticeably. I started snooping and found some texts that confirmed my suspicions.

 

I could not imagine doing this to her so can anyone give me any insight on cheaters? Do I believe her actions now or what she told him?

 

You asked the posters on LS for their opinion. Yet when virtually everyone warned you, and told you, what you didn't want to hear, you went into "her defense mode".

A brick wall went up, and every rebuttal you could think of you used to defend her vicious assault on your marriage. You refused to hear the word denial that the people here said you were in. Or it was too soon.

Now the sh*t hit the fan, and you started to defend again then caught yourself.

FINALLY.

 

Now answer your question from your first post HONESTLY.

[VeryBrokenMan]

OP

 

You've been in extreme denial, rug sweeping, ignoring your gut and stubbornly refuse to face the facts about your wife.

 

She's an expert manipulator. The whole, I'll leave with nothing if I can't have you is similar to her telling the OM she'd live in cardboard box just so she get away from you...the controlling jealous husband she claimed you are.

That is something we talked about at length. She does not think I'm controlling at all. That is something she told him to justify the affair to him. I've never been jealous and she has never called me that, in fact at one point she said "I never thought you would even notice" in talking about the affair.

 

She is a manipulator but I've known that from day one of our marriage and I've learned to ignore it. I can tell when she is trying to manipulate me and when she is not.

 

I doubt she'd leave with nothing if you seriously filed for divorce. She knows you don't want to divorce her, she knows you've been bending over backwards to save your marriage. She's knows you better than you know yourself.

I'm sure she knows me but I think I know her too. I believe her when she says she will take nothing and I'm certain she would sign a post-nup.

 

Geez, orgasm or not, she slept with this ex con.

Absolutely, there is no defense for that. That is the crime.

 

Geez, either way, she disrespected you and you bought the story how she lost her mother and sister moved away and the empty nest syndrome. Plenty of people lose a parent and siblings move away and kids grow up and start their own lives but don't cheat.

Absolutely right, many people have problems and they don't cheat. It's just an excuse and I see that. She fully accepts the affair was her choice and has not offered those as excuses. I see them as facts surrounding the affair but they do not excuse it.

 

The "why" is horribly evident. She wanted to, she felt entitled.

I've called her entitled for many months now and she very selfish in our relationship (or was) and that really is the only answer I need. I think it's hard for any women to grow up being very pretty, popular and being doted on without the world revolving around them. I just did not see it as a problem until the affair. But the thing is, the selfishness and entitlement is not something she was for many years, that came along well into our marriage and developed so slowly I did not even notice.

 

At this point you've been focused on her and fail to focus on yourself. It's often easier to examine other's than it is to look in the mirror and face your own reflection.

What is it that you want me to see? What price do you want me to ask for? What can she do that she is not doing?

[VeryBrokenMan]

You asked the posters on LS for their opinion. Yet when virtually everyone warned you, and told you, what you didn't want to hear, you went into "her defense mode".

A brick wall went up, and every rebuttal you could think of you used to defend her vicious assault on your marriage. You refused to hear the word denial that the people here said you were in. Or it was too soon.

Now the sh*t hit the fan, and you started to defend again then caught yourself.

FINALLY.

 

Now answer your question from your first post HONESTLY.

 

The sh*t has not hit the fan at all. It was one fight on a bumpy road. My reaction surprised me and the fact that I'm thinking about divorce again surprised me. That's all it is, if you seeing more than that you are reading things into it that are not there.

 

Yes, I'm trying not to defend her her because I don't need to and there is no good defense.

 

What question are you talking about?

[Marchhare]

The sh*t has not hit the fan at all. It was one fight on a bumpy road. My reaction surprised me and the fact that I'm thinking about divorce again surprised me. That's all it is, if you seeing more than that you are reading things into it that are not there.

 

Yes, I'm trying not to defend her her because I don't need to and there is no good defense.

 

What question are you talking about?

 

Do I believe her actions now or what she told him?

 

"That's all it is", Really? Really? Why are you denying the truth of the ahh-"disagreement" What was it she said, marriage "looks good on paper, but really it isn't" you also said that recently you've been uncharacteristically making judgement errors, are listless and sex is purely physical no real emotional connection. What is it I am reading into???

So, I wouldn't worry about what I'm reading into it, I would worry more what you aren't, or what you choose to believe based on WW's honesty and integrity.

Denial for you is a four letter word.

You are almost right: There is no GOOD defense. It should read There is NO defense.

Sorry for the harshness but someone's got to slap you upside the head for your own good.

[drifter777]

The sh*t has not hit the fan at all. It was one fight on a bumpy road. My reaction surprised me and the fact that I'm thinking about divorce again surprised me. That's all it is, if you seeing more than that you are reading things into it that are not there.

 

Yes, I'm trying not to defend her her because I don't need to and there is no good defense.

 

What question are you talking about?

Look, how many times and how many people have to tell you that you are in serious denial before you start to accept it?

 

You defend her for one reason: it rationalizes your decision to stay and try to reconcile. This is denial.

 

You minimize your own feelings such as saying "it was one fight on a bumpy road". This is denial.

 

I think you are afraid of your emotions and are determined to tie them up and toss them into the back of your mind where, hopefully, they will just go away - but even now your subconscious mind is screaming for you to get real. The emotion that spilled out of your post about last Friday was palpable. It was real and I thought it might be the beginning of the end for your denial. I still hope it is but I know how safe and inviting denial feels and the temptation to stay there is strong. It's kind of like sleeping through the whole traumatic thing and hoping it will all be ok when you wake up.

 

Forget about the Polygraph thing for now because it is only distracting you at this point. You know enough right now to start dealing with this. And stop listing - and bragging about - all the things your WW has done and is doing to reconcile because then you are making your recovery all about her. How can you begin to heal when your focus is on what she is doing?

 

You need help - are you getting any? You need IC and you need MC. The alternative is feeling dead inside with bursts of anger until you can take it no longer - I hope you are at this point now.

[81West]

I can only speak for me of course

 

I have worked very hard...i have been totally transparent...not because he asked ...but because i wanted to...I have done everything i knew he needed...not because he expected...but because i wanted to

 

You ask What was i feeling? Gratitude, hope, love,...and that he was worth every minute. I have not regretted one minute of the hard work...I only wish i had understood sooner...I wish i had given him what he needed sooner....but it has been worth it.

 

I am the luckiest woman on earth.

 

I have tried to explain many times to VBM...that his short time since DDay...is too soon for him to declare remorse and forgiveness. It took us 30 years...you are not going to accomplish this in a few months...there is entirely too much to process...too many obstacles to overcome...too much hurt to get past.

 

But he argues and says he knows all the answers...well good luck with that dude...you got this....

 

I will sit back and watch.....

 

I think you're right...time is huge. And I was trying to think about why that is. Because it's really in everybody's best interests to be ruthlessly practical and just move forward if that is the choice, but that soon falls apart when it is tried. I think it might be because the questions that are asked about the emotion and the sex and the why and the how are kind of helpless stand-ins for the knowledge that has really been lost: who are you? When we are shaken like this we no longer feel like we truly know the souls or the inner lives of the people we thought we knew better than anybody in the world. And that answer can only be fully answered over time. Sometimes a lot of it.

Edited April 8, 2015 by 81West
'No' is not spelled 'know'.

[Hope Shimmers]

VBM, honestly, none of us know her and you do so we don't have the answers. Unfortunately, you don't have the answers you need either.

 

I think you need to implement something as objective as possible. I was reading about polygraphs for infidelity online - some of the companies provide extensive information on their websites regarding how it works. I always had more of a "Law and Order" thought process about these, but these are nothing like that.

 

You said the polygraph person you talked to said that a lot of time needed to pass for there not to be a false positive. I didn't read that anywhere; in fact, over and over I read that it should be done as soon as possible for full disclosure so reconciliation can proceed (if that is the goal). You can't go weeks and months not knowing these answers. If you think about it, it seems more logical that time would allow for less emotion/better control of emotions (resulting in the physical response) and a better chance for the person to "beat" the test, or a false negative. But they also said that a well-trained person administering the test will not ask questions that they know have not been discussed ahead of time for her to have a chance to tell the truth - thus, the test isn't used for information reveal but verification of what already has been discussed.

 

Anyway, it seems that they are used by some therapists as part of the reconciliation process. It's not necessarily just a "one and done". There is what some call a "vomit" session scheduled before the test, where the WS has a chance to tell everything and the full and complete truth, and then this is worked through. THEN the test is administered, to verify that this is the truth and give the betrayed spouse peace of mind and allow for trust. The WS actually knows the questions they will be asked and has a chance to answer them in the therapy session beforehand.

 

Then, if they fail the test later, they have had the chance to disclose earlier and the betrayed knows they are lying. If they fail only one question of the series of infidelity questions, they technically fail the test but depending on the question, there is opportunity for another session for the WS to fully disclose, then re-test.

 

One of the common questions was, "Have you told WS the entire and full truth about your sexual experiences with others during your marriage?" And similar.

 

I just think you need to do SOMETHING rather than all of this wondering. You have this tool; why not use it?

[Hope Shimmers]

Orgasm is not NEARLY as important to women as it is to men.

 

Jeez... where did you get THAT idea?!?!?

 

I think (hope!) what you are trying to say is that women usually require a more emotional connection as part of sex. That (at least in my experience) greatly enhances sex and orgasms in my opinion.

 

I can't imagine a woman who would have sex with a guy a second time when the sex was bad the first time just for attention. Yes, perhaps in a longer-term or committed relationship that might be the case, but not in this kind of situation. Sex isn't good for women just because we want to be emotionally "close" to someone. Sex is good when it is physically AND emotionally good. Whereas with men, the physical is often enough.

[beach]

Since you state she will sign a post nup that gives her nothing... Have her sign one now.

 

 

And there isn't one single reason to delay a poly test now. She's had tons of time to "calm down" - you need answers.

 

Gather your questions and take her down to be tested immediately. This is where I think you mis step - I don't think you want to know her truth. Get info by getting her tested.

Edited April 9, 2015 by beach

[Marchhare]

Jeez... where did you get THAT idea?!?!?

 

I think (hope!) what you are trying to say is that women usually require a more emotional connection as part of sex. That (at least in my experience) greatly enhances sex and orgasms in my opinion.

 

I can't imagine a woman who would have sex with a guy a second time when the sex was bad the first time just for attention. Yes, perhaps in a longer-term or committed relationship that might be the case, but not in this kind of situation. Sex isn't good for women just because we want to be emotionally "close" to someone. Sex is good when it is physically AND emotionally good. Whereas with men, the physical is often enough.

 

Exactly, exactly.

[Marchhare]

Since you state she will sign a post nup that gives her nothing... Have her sign one now.

 

 

And there isn't one single reason to delay a poly test now. She's had tons of time to "calm down" - you need answers.

 

Gather your questions and take her down to be tested immediately. This is where I think you mis step - I don't think you want to know her truth. Get info by getting her tested.

 

I do not believe the polygraph will ever take place. It is posturing. WW will call OP's bluff, and sadly the cards he holds are that of denial for which he will claim are trump cards. He called her manipulative, and he can't be fooled. Yet she had an affair, and has been playing her cards very close. he will lay down his hand, and WW will laugh for she stacked or rather manipulated the deck in her favor, saying all the right things.

A manipulator manipulates, and knows the easiest one to manipulate is lying in bed next to you. It's a thing called trust. WW trusts him to believe, and as we all have read, yep. He senses it, but denial is strong with this one.

Polygraph? Ha.

[beach]

You have absolutely no firm and solid info to work with until she takes that polygraph.

 

 

Even if she wasn't "calm" TEST HER!

 

Calm is not a prerequisite for the test. Find a new person to administer it... That person seems to have unrealistic guidelines.

 

 

Or maybe you set that "calm" guideline for yourself

 

Come on - quit kidding yourself - have her take it today.

 

There's no reason to wait one more day. You should have had her tested the day she placed that call to her OM.

 

You want real info? Find out by asking the hard questions she has to answer

[drifter777]

 

I can't imagine a woman who would have sex with a guy a second time when the sex was bad the first time just for attention.

Yet the BH is told over and over by his WW that the sex was lousy - over and over.

[beach]

I think it's time he finds out what is her truth and what is actually fiction.

 

He's been swallowing her words a long time pretending like she's been honest.

 

She says she'll give up everything to stay - go ahead and strip her of every luxury she's used to - including her assets and expected sharing of funds. Let her work and see the value of earning her own money. Let her explain to everyone she knows that she cheated and has to earn her own way in the world now. Let her get a paycheck in order to buy a purse it a new blouse for herself. Let her save enough money to but a car that 15 or 20 years old.

 

Let's see how much SHE'S really willing to sacrifice for your love and affection.

 

She offered it - take her up on it.