Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'll answer based on my own situation. We are 5+ years out from d-day and together. We dedicated specific times to talk about the A, and as time went on, other serious things. Having a specific time gave us focus and a chance to plan questions and topics. When one person talked, the other listened, etc. It was kind of like our own MC. We did talk about A things outside talk time, but we both tried to refrain from this, as we were working on reconciling, and relating in non-d-day ways were important too...if that makes sense.

 

First six-nine months: Talk time once a week, at least...sometimes two.

 

Nine - eighteen months after d-day: Every other week.

 

1.5 years after d-day: Once a month. By now we weren't talking specific A things, but more about personal issues, the issues in our relationship, looking at our future, etc.

 

2.5 years after d-day: We had a baby. Sleep took priority over any kind of talking.

 

The main thing we learned is to talk to each other about anything, even the bad stuff. Actually the bad stuff is the most important stuff...because if not addressed it just sits there and poisons the people and relationship.

 

Hope this helps.

 

PS. We were both in individual IC for the first year, no MC.

 

Thanks for these thoughts and I actually started trying not to talk about the affair every day since reading this post last week. I think you and road(and my IC) have pointed this out. We are talking too much on a daily basis and there needs to be time for healing on both sides. There is no new information coming out and we are just rehashing old issues.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Its rugsweeping when you know you are rugsweeping. You are still in the wake of d-day and it's just not rational to expect to be at peace with all of this. One exception to this would be if you just don't care that she cheated. Like you are willing to look the other way as long as she doesn't embarrass you and your family. It doesn't seem like this describes you.

 

It is a great question. I don't believe there is a magic timeframe, and I don't believe there is any kind of one-size-fits-all approach to this. What does you IC say? That is by far the best place to discuss all of this.

 

I would not call myself at peace with it but I'm able to see it for what it is and that is a horrible and selfish choice that she made that that had nothing to do with me or our relationship at all. The bottom line is she just wanted to have a relationship and sex with this other man. She used a lot of justifications about us to allow herself make that choice. One of the biggest was that she thought I would not even notice. (ie meaning she was not getting attention from me). She does not believe any of those now, she knows it was her complete responsibility. She was also lost in a fantasy land of romance novels and completely addicted to FB. None of those are excuses just the facts.

 

I think you may have touched on the reason that I can move on. I think for the past couple of months I'm just feeling indifferent about everything, her, life, work. I just don't care about anything right now. My IC tells me I'm numb emotionally from the trauma and things will change. Maybe at some point I will care that it happened and will need to divorce.

[drifter777]

I would not call myself at peace with it but I'm able to see it for what it is and that is a horrible and selfish choice that she made that that had nothing to do with me or our relationship at all. The bottom line is she just wanted to have a relationship and sex with this other man. She used a lot of justifications about us to allow herself make that choice. One of the biggest was that she thought I would not even notice. (ie meaning she was not getting attention from me). She does not believe any of those now, she knows it was her complete responsibility. She was also lost in a fantasy land of romance novels and completely addicted to FB. None of those are excuses just the facts.

I always love this one - funny stuff

 

I think you may have touched on the reason that I can move on. I think for the past couple of months I'm just feeling indifferent about everything, her, life, work. I just don't care about anything right now. My IC tells me I'm numb emotionally from the trauma and things will change. Maybe at some point I will care that it happened and will need to divorce.

 

This sounds like a great assessment of where you are right now. Stay with the counseling as it will help you as you move forward through the strong emotions that are in your future.

[81West]

I always love this one - funny stuff

 

I think it's very, very probable that this is bang on true for an awful lot of these situations. People really are driven by their own internal loops and motivations and in many cases it is only superficially if at all related to people who are caught the worst by the blast and fallout. I think it is nothing but good that VBM doesn't accept undue responsibility for decisions he had no control over. I see it as both pragmatic and reflective of a healthy, or at least recovering, sense of self. He'll need both pragmatism and a solid sense of self worth to navigate forward so it's difficult to see the downside of this part of his perceptions.

Edited April 13, 2015 by 81West

[drifter777]

I think it's very, very probable that this is bang on true for an awful lot of these situations. People really are driven by their own internal loops and motivations and in many cases it is only superficially if at all related to people who are caught the worst by the blast and fallout. I think it is nothing but good that VBM doesn't accept undue responsibility for decisions he had no control over. I see it as both pragmatic and reflective of a healthy, or at least recovering, sense of self. He'll need both pragmatism and a solid sense of self worth to navigate forward so it's difficult to see the downside of this part of his perceptions.

It has nothing to do with responsibility for their WS's cheating. Can you understand that a betrayal of this magnitude shows that the WS had no respect or caring about their marriage, their spouse or their feelings? That just because they didn't say "I'll show him/her" and then hit the sheets with AP doesn't mean it wasn't about their BS. They lie and hide it from BS because they know they are doing a "bad" thing. They know their "horrible and selfish choice" is cheating, that their spouse will be destroyed if they are discovered, and then they don't care enough about BS to say no. This is the part that IS about the BS. A big part of the cheating is deciding that they will cheat. They weigh the pro's and con's of screwing OM/OW and decide that their pleasure is more important than their marriage and their BS's feelings.

 

When WS intentionally inflicts this horrible psychological trauma on their BS it is a moral crime. Looking at your spouses affair as "it had nothing to do with me" and finding solace is, to me, crazy.

[81West]

It has nothing to do with responsibility for their WS's cheating. Can you understand that a betrayal of this magnitude shows that the WS had no respect or caring about their marriage, their spouse or their feelings? That just because they didn't say "I'll show him/her" and then hit the sheets with AP doesn't mean it wasn't about their BS. They lie and hide it from BS because they know they are doing a "bad" thing. They know their "horrible and selfish choice" is cheating, that their spouse will be destroyed if they are discovered, and then they don't care enough about BS to say no. This is the part that IS about the BS. A big part of the cheating is deciding that they will cheat. They weigh the pro's and con's of screwing OM/OW and decide that their pleasure is more important than their marriage and their BS's feelings.

 

When WS intentionally inflicts this horrible psychological trauma on their BS it is a moral crime. Looking at your spouses affair as "it had nothing to do with me" and finding solace is, to me, crazy.

 

I understand the logic and accept that the process you describe is surely relevant to some cases. But I also think you vastly overrate how mindfully many people take courses of action in life. If you look at the endless array of destructive paths humans are capable of - gambling to the point of destroying family finances, drug and alcohol use, overeating to the point that it harms your health and your potential, choosing the wrong guy/girl over and over, harmful overuse of pornography etc. etc. etc. I can guarantee you these things are not chosen carefully or mindfully. Consequences are barely perceived or examined, let alone weighed. Harm to others is only truly considered post hoc when they themselves are forced or elect to face the full reality of their actions. And people do hide their actions to facilitate them, but again that is a functional choice and doesn't imply any sort of deep thought. People are very often just pulled along on the strings of their own inner urgencies and in those times it has almost everything to do with their needs and wounds and very little to do with anybody else. Again, I think VBM is wise to not take on burdens that are not his to carry.

Edited April 14, 2015 by 81West

[VeryBrokenMan]

I understand the logic and accept that the process you describe is surely relevant to some cases. But I also think you vastly overrate how mindfully many people take courses of action in life. If you look at the endless array of destructive paths humans are capable of - gambling to the point of destroying family finances, drug and alcohol use, overeating to the point that it harms your health and your potential, choosing the wrong guy/girl over and over, harmful overuse of pornography etc. etc. etc. I can guarantee you these things are not chosen carefully or mindfully. Consequences are barely perceived or examined, let alone weighed. Harm to others is only truly considered post hoc when they themselves are forced or elect to face the full reality of their actions. And people do hide their actions to facilitate them, but again that is a functional choice and doesn't imply any sort of deep thought. People are very often just pulled along on the strings of their own inner urgencies and in those times it has almost everything to do with their needs and wounds and very little to do with anybody else. Again, I think VBM is wise to not take on burdens that are not his to carry.

 

Something close to this has been said by my IC many times. My fWW chose to have an affair solely on what her needs were at the time with no thought or regard to what it meant to us or the potential damage it would inflict on me. When you start to see it from that point of view you realize that cheating is not really any different than any self destructive behavior that causes pain to your spouse. Do people who get addicted to porn, drugs or alcohol mean to cause harm to their spouse or their relationship? Cheating is just one more self destructive behavior that people engage in because it feels good at the time. It feels so good they are willing to risk everything and truly don't consider the consequences. In that feel good instant gratification mindset they do not consider anything but what they want. After they start feeling guilty they may offer up to themselves all the justifications of why they are allowed to make that horrible choice. But those justifications are just to make themselves feel better about breaking their commitment.

Edited April 14, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan

[LifeWasted]

Time is on your side. Right now what you need to give yourself is time. You are too close to the pain right now to be making any decision about your future.

 

Tell your WW that as it stands, the marriage is on hold until you get your head together. Tell her you do not know how long it will take you to come to a decision. Tell her not to expect you to do anything beyond working and supporting the family and household. If she expects you to move forward as her usual doting husband...forget it. She needs to back off, work on herself and put back in place the boundaries and safeguards that will make her a safe mate again. That will take a long time, especially if she is still foggy.

 

Go to IC, go to MC, do what you need to do, but do not let your WW or counselors or anyone else rush you into making a decision. Spend more time alone or with friends. Get out in nature, go for walks, go camping, lift weights, resurrect old hobbies you let fall to the wayside because you were married.

 

Your WW is going to do what she is going to do. She will either take charge of her own rehabilitation, or sit on her ass and let you do the work. You have no control over what she does, just as she has no control over you.

[aliveagain]

We all learned that you can't control other people just ourselves. We all believed lies from people we trusted because we loved them and wanted to believe their lies because the truth was going to forever change our relationship with them. We gave them the benefit of our doubts over and over until the truth gave us no other way out.

 

If you had a car that gave you engine or transmission trouble even once, would you risk your family in it by taking it on a cross country trip? No, because you would have doubts about it's ability to perform in mountains and deserts that require crossing along the way. You wouldn't trust that car again until you had the proper repairs made by professionals in that field, you would require their professional certification before you risked your family in it.

 

Why should your relationship be any different? Risking the rest of your life with someone still broken is no different than the car scenario. Make sure the work gets done by the best professionals before you get back into it. Polygraphs, post nuptial, independent counselling, transparency, new boundaries with severe consequences, whatever it takes to make you feel safe because the truth is she did this and she is broken.

[VeryBrokenMan]

They lie and hide it from BS because they know they are doing a "bad" thing. They know their "horrible and selfish choice" is cheating, that their spouse will be destroyed if they are discovered, and then they don't care enough about BS to say no. This is the part that IS about the BS. A big part of the cheating is deciding that they will cheat. They weigh the pro's and con's of screwing OM/OW and decide that their pleasure is more important than their marriage and their BS's feelings.

 

They do know it's a horrible thing to do but I think that's as far as the thinking goes. Someone that has never had an affair or has been cheated on does not realize the pain that it causes. I know I had no clue about any of this prior to her affair. I heard about affairs but never considered the pain and devastation they cause. Even talking with friends that have been cheated on I never really understood the damage or pain they were experiencing. Prior to her affair she has never had a close friend that had an affair or that has been cheated on so I don't doubt her when she tells me she had no clue of the damage she could cause me or our relationship. They know it's wrong, they just don't understand the pain or devastation it causes if caught and since they don't think they will ever get caught they don't give it much thought.

 

I've asked her many times what she was feeling and was she thinking about me during the affair. And she has said over and over she did not think about me or our marriage at all, she compartmentalized the affair and never even considered the consequences had she gotten caught. She truly thought she was hiding it so well she would never be caught and it would just be this selfish thing she did for herself. She had no intention of leaving me at any point and they never discussed a future together.

 

She tells me she loved the attention and how good he made her feel because it was new and exciting and someone besides me appreciated her. Keep in mind this guy was/is a player and was aggressively feeding her line after line about how much chemistry he felt, how much he loved her, how sweet and beautiful she was. She had no clue he was a player, insincere or that his only motive was sex at the time. She clearly sees now how stupid and naive she was and how every call/text he made was intended to turn up the heat little by little and move things toward sex.

[LifeWasted]

Sexual boredom, sexual greediness, opportunity, MLC, desire for pa-shi-own....

 

LUST....

 

These are all reasons why people cheat. But in the end they cheat because they want to.

 

VBM, your WW cheated because she wanted to. End of story. Quit dwelling on it.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Time is on your side. Right now what you need to give yourself is time. You are too close to the pain right now to be making any decision about your future.

 

Tell your WW that as it stands, the marriage is on hold until you get your head together. Tell her you do not know how long it will take you to come to a decision. Tell her not to expect you to do anything beyond working and supporting the family and household. If she expects you to move forward as her usual doting husband...forget it. She needs to back off, work on herself and put back in place the boundaries and safeguards that will make her a safe mate again. That will take a long time, especially if she is still foggy.

 

Go to IC, go to MC, do what you need to do, but do not let your WW or counselors or anyone else rush you into making a decision. Spend more time alone or with friends. Get out in nature, go for walks, go camping, lift weights, resurrect old hobbies you let fall to the wayside because you were married.

 

Your WW is going to do what she is going to do. She will either take charge of her own rehabilitation, or sit on her ass and let you do the work. You have no control over what she does, just as she has no control over you.

 

That pretty much sums up everything I'm doing.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Sexual boredom, sexual greediness, opportunity, MLC, desire for pa-shi-own....

 

LUST....

 

These are all reasons why people cheat. But in the end they cheat because they want to.

 

VBM, your WW cheated because she wanted to. End of story. Quit dwelling on it.

 

I agree with that completely and I've said that here many times.

[VeryBrokenMan]

We all learned that you can't control other people just ourselves. We all believed lies from people we trusted because we loved them and wanted to believe their lies because the truth was going to forever change our relationship with them. We gave them the benefit of our doubts over and over until the truth gave us no other way out.

 

If you had a car that gave you engine or transmission trouble even once, would you risk your family in it by taking it on a cross country trip? No, because you would have doubts about it's ability to perform in mountains and deserts that require crossing along the way. You wouldn't trust that car again until you had the proper repairs made by professionals in that field, you would require their professional certification before you risked your family in it.

 

Why should your relationship be any different? Risking the rest of your life with someone still broken is no different than the car scenario. Make sure the work gets done by the best professionals before you get back into it. Polygraphs, post nuptial, independent counselling, transparency, new boundaries with severe consequences, whatever it takes to make you feel safe because the truth is she did this and she is broken.

 

That is a great analogy and of course I would not be risking my heart if she had not been taking concrete steps to change herself. She is broken, I know that and she knows that. At one point she said "I don't think you realize just how f&*ked up I am". She is working on herself and does not like the person she had become.

[LifeWasted]

I agree with that completely and I've said that here many times.

 

So with that knowledge tucked firmly under your brain arm, move forward in living for yourself.

 

I'm sorry, and please don't take offense, but... to hell with her and her needs and what she wants. She got to have her fun, now she can clean up her mess and repair the damage she has done to the family. Yeah, go to MC and IC...they will do their jobs, tell you what they think you want to hear, have you and your WW do homework and all that jazz...

 

Your WW will either come around, move mountains to show you that you are her Plan A and the man she wants and desires, or she will flounder and show you how weak, clueless and helpless she is. Its up to her to figure out her motivations, and if she doesn't have an IC who is holding her feet to the fire and really making her work to fix herself, then you are both wasting your time. .

[LifeWasted]

That is a great analogy and of course I would not be risking my heart if she had not been taking concrete steps to change herself. She is broken, I know that and she knows that. At one point she said "I don't think you realize just how f&*ked up I am". She is working on herself and does not like the person she had become.

 

That one statement, in and of itself, is incredibly manipulative. She is saying you are an idiot for not seeing the real her, so in a way you share the blame for her actions.

[VeryBrokenMan]

That one statement, in and of itself, is incredibly manipulative. She is saying you are an idiot for not seeing the real her, so in a way you share the blame for her actions.

 

In the context of the conversation she was admitting that she needs to change so much and was talking about how overwhelmed she was by all the things she needs to do to be a better person. Believe me she is not blame shifting at all and has not been for several months.

[VeryBrokenMan]

So with that knowledge tucked firmly under your brain arm, move forward in living for yourself.

 

I'm sorry, and please don't take offense, but... to hell with her and her needs and what she wants. She got to have her fun, now she can clean up her mess and repair the damage she has done to the family. Yeah, go to MC and IC...they will do their jobs, tell you what they think you want to hear, have you and your WW do homework and all that jazz...

 

Your WW will either come around, move mountains to show you that you are her Plan A and the man she wants and desires, or she will flounder and show you how weak, clueless and helpless she is. Its up to her to figure out her motivations, and if she doesn't have an IC who is holding her feet to the fire and really making her work to fix herself, then you are both wasting your time. .

 

She is moving mountains right now and has been seeing an IC 3x week since the affair. A lot of what is happening right now is on ME and my struggles of accepting it not what she is or is not doing for me. At this point I cannot really say she is not giving me what I need because she has done everything I've asked. The problem is that I just don't know what I need or if there is really anything she can do. Maybe I just need time?

[aliveagain]

That is a great analogy and of course I would not be risking my heart if she had not been taking concrete steps to change herself. She is broken, I know that and she knows that. At one point she said "I don't think you realize just how f&*ked up I am". She is working on herself and does not like the person she had become.[/QUOTE]

 

Going from being an amazing wife, mother and confidant to another man's mistress is fu*ked up, what's really fu*ked up is she held the door open for him and all it took was 5 phone calls, that is really, really fu*ked up.

 

VBM, your dilemma is the same dilemma I had to face, my ex throwing an affair child into the mix made my decision easy, you, not so easy. You could have just as easily been in my situation, they both had unprotected sex, your wife didn't get pregnant. They both betrayed us in the exact same way, there is only one way to get sperm into the right place if no turkey baster is available. That is what most men have the biggest problem understanding, the risk they were willing to take to reach the high. They put your life at risk for a POS who is half the man that you are. What would your world look like if your wife had become pregnant?

 

VBM, this is about you now and not about your wife, your children, your things. This is not about preserving your marriage because that marriage no longer exists, she stomped it out of your world. Your wedding rings mean sh*t because what they represent no longer exists. I would refuse to wear mine and would ask for hers back. If she does the work and you feel safe with her again than have her buy you new ones with new vows. Everything is new, your thinking should be new because at one time you would never have believe her capable of such deception now you know better.

 

Just too much of a coincidence that she is going into OM's career choice, he had to have influenced her choice.

Edited April 14, 2015 by aliveagain

[LifeWasted]

She is moving mountains right now and has been seeing an IC 3x week since the affair. A lot of what is happening right now is on ME and my struggles of accepting it not what she is or is not doing for me. At this point I cannot really say she is not giving me what I need because she has done everything I've asked. The problem is that I just don't know what I need or if there is really anything she can do. Maybe I just need time?

 

I think you need to file for divorce. Bag up that dead marriage and bury it. You and her can continue to live together (if you can stomach it) and she can be your girlfriend and mother of your children. If she really wants to stay with you for the rest of her life she will work every day to prove it to you, but she won't have the legal fortification of the marriage behind her to fall back on.

 

By divorcing her, you can start fresh building a new relationship, and then if you want, a couple years down the road, if she has proven herself a safe bet, you could reconsider getting remarried. By divorcing now, you free yourself up from the marital cloud hanging over your head and you can concentrate on healing and rebuilding.

 

That is the way I would couch it to her.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Going from being an amazing wife, mother and confidant to another man's mistress is fu*ked up, what's really fu*ked up is she held the door open for him and all it took was 5 phone calls, that is really, really fu*ked up.

You're absolutely right. She is f&*ked up and that was f&*ked up. There is no whitewashing that. I still can't believe it only took 5 phone calls and 21 days. That is so f&*ked up and it makes me furious.

 

VBM, your dilemma is the same dilemma I had to face, my ex throwing an affair child into the mix made my decision easy, you, not so easy. You could have just as easily been in my situation, they both had unprotected sex, your wife didn't get pregnant. They both betrayed us in the exact same way, there is only one way to get sperm into the right place if no turkey baster is available. That is what most men have the biggest problem understanding, the risk they were willing to take to reach the high. They put your life at risk for a POS who is half the man that you are. What would your world look like if your wife had become pregnant?

It would look pretty bleak and I cannot imagine the pain that creates. But for me those are not the facts.

 

VBM, this is about you now and not about your wife, your children, your things. This is not about preserving your marriage because that marriage no longer exists, she stomped it out of your world. Your wedding rings mean sh*t because what they represent no longer exists. I would refuse to wear mine and would ask for hers back. If she does the work and you feel safe with her again than have her buy you new ones with new vows. Everything is new, your thinking should be new because at one time you would never have believe her capable of such deception now you know better.

I've gone back and forth on her rings. At times when I see hers it's a trigger. I've never worn one so that is not a problem. And I guess since I've never worn one I don't see them as the symbol as many do. Her rings are there to say she is taken and that did me little good but I hesitate to have her in public now without them. I've told her I'm not recognizing our anniversary any longer and later if we survive we can renew our vows. But I have been adamant that the marriage we had is over.

 

Just too much of a coincidence that she is going into OM's career choice, he had to have influenced her choice.

Actually it's not, she has talked about being a realtor for years so that is not something that is new. She has always been really interested in real estate and homes. We have often toured open houses in the past even if we were not looking to move.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think you need to file for divorce. Bag up that dead marriage and bury it. You and her can continue to live together (if you can stomach it) and she can be your girlfriend and mother of your children. If she really wants to stay with you for the rest of her life she will work every day to prove it to you, but she won't have the legal fortification of the marriage behind her to fall back on.

 

By divorcing her, you can start fresh building a new relationship, and then if you want, a couple years down the road, if she has proven herself a safe bet, you could reconsider getting remarried. By divorcing now, you free yourself up from the marital cloud hanging over your head and you can concentrate on healing and rebuilding.

 

That is the way I would couch it to her.

 

I've seriously considered this but I have some huge issues with the divorce and splitting of assets. I'm fine with losing half of everything but what does that accomplish in the long run if we stay together? The big thing I see is that my attorney gets richer and I lose control of half of assets that I've worked really hard to earn. Why not keep the possibility of divorce as a future deterrent instead?

[LifeWasted]

I've seriously considered this but I have some huge issues with the divorce and splitting of assets. I'm fine with losing half of everything but what does that accomplish in the long run if we stay together? The big thing I see is that my attorney gets richer and I lose control of half of assets that I've worked really hard to earn. Why not keep the possibility of divorce as a future deterrent instead?

 

Well then...what do you want?

[I_Give_Up67]

I've seriously considered this but I have some huge issues with the divorce and splitting of assets. I'm fine with losing half of everything but what does that accomplish in the long run if we stay together? The big thing I see is that my attorney gets richer and I lose control of half of assets that I've worked really hard to earn. Why not keep the possibility of divorce as a future deterrent instead?

 

VBM, I've read through your posts and it is commendable the effort you are putting into saving your M.

 

But you are not the one that brought your M to this point, it was your WW that did this. As hard as you are working to save the M, your WW should be the one shouldering 90% of the effort.

 

As for keeping D as a future deterrent? The threat of D did not keep her from cheating in the first place. It is not fair that you have to spend the rest of your M checking to see if the WW is remaining faithful.

 

I agree with LW, why not wipe the slate clean and start over? Only you can decide whether or not the financial aspects would be worth it. But why suffer needlessly when your gut is telling you that something is still wrong with her.

[understand50]

VBM

 

Looks like your wife is trying, maybe later you may find she is not sincere, but she looks to be doing all you have asked for. You are lucky in that regard. Remember, you need to do what is best for you. Saving your marriage, is not a bad thing, and in some ways takes more strength then just starting over, and I respect your decision. The pain will get better, but you will never forget, and it will color any other issues that come up in the marriage, Money, trust so fourth. Keep that in mind. You will never feel the same towards your wife as before the A, but that does not mean you will not love her. I think you are looking at everything with open eyes, so hang in there if this is what you want.

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator