Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[BetrayedH]

I think it's important to keep in mind the conventional wisdom that says it takes 2-5 years to reconcile from infidelity. Primarily, I think that's because trust has to be rebuilt. And it's not rebuilt from any words that she says or simply because you make a decision to stay. To use your own term, right now you need to 'assume' that you're not going to suffer a repeat performance.

 

The reality is that that assumption isn't working too well for you. The empirical data is against you. You're taking a risk and being vulnerable with a woman who has demonstrated herself to be a liar and an adulteress. You can tell yourself that it's a wise decision as much as you like, but your brain is smarter than that. Worse yet, your heart is scared to death because it suffered a trauma thanks to the previous decision to trust this woman. Your rationalized assumption isn't working for you.

 

Again, the trust needs to be rebuilt. So what's going to accomplish that? The best operative phrase I've heard is: consistent actions over time. It's not her words or your mental gymnastics. It's her consistently demonstrating actions that rebuild trust over a long period of time.

 

You'll notice there's a lot of variance in that time estimate. I hypothesize that much of what determines the time has to do with her actions (and how big of a betrayal she's trying to overcome).

 

To get to your original question about 'talking about the affair,' I think it gets down to the purpose of those discussions. You've already said you have no more questions to be answered. Fair enough. But you still seem to have a compulsion to talk. Some would theorize that it's your subconscious still trying to verify that her words are true. And by asking, you have yet another opportunity to verify that the story hasn't changed. And if it doesn't change, you feel relief. In a sense, you both win. If the discussion helps to convince you, perhaps you embrace it.

 

On a different note, if she responds negatively to the conversations, that feels like a red flag. It doesn't exemplify true remorse, which is open, honest, transparent, and concerned about rectifying a wrong that she clearly committed. What I'm saying is that you may feel relief simply by virtue of her willingness to engage in the conversations. Perhaps that's another reason to embrace them.

 

I don't tend to think that forcing yourself to shut down the conversations is going to help you. Like it or not, you still need to be convinced that this whole reconciliation thing is a good idea. You may think that stopping the conversations will speed things up but I tend to think it slows things down. Just in general, I think talking these things thru together (even if it's just you sharing a painful trigger), demonstrates that it's a team effort. In essence, you are in it together. And just feeling that way may go a long way towards your healing and your sense of trust with her.

 

I think one exception may be valid to consider, however. I think in some cases, we bring up the conversation just to see our wayward suffer, to make them share in our pain, to punish them, and to feel some sense of justice. If that's the ONLY purpose they are serving (which is how many waywards "feel"), then I'd say to knock it off. But I suspect these conversations serve more of a purpose than you think. I hate to quote Dr Phil but he says it's not that time heals all wounds but that what you do with the time that matters most. You can either have your wife use the time or you can just try to stuff things down yourself. Which do you think will bring you closer to two years of recovery instead of five?

Edited April 30, 2015 by BetrayedH

[understand50]

It took almost 30 years for my Wife and I to really talk about her "ONS". We never would have brought it up, but for the financial infidelity. We found that a "talk" once a month, and with some rules was helpful. She was only able to talk openly, when she knew she was safe, and I was not trolling for things to "use" against her. Our rule, is that anything talked about is not to be used in fights, or brought up and thrown in the others face. We limit the discussions to the "talk" and expect the other to take time to answer the others questions. Yes, I have found her to be putting everything in the best light for her, and I do have to point out the results for her actions. This is a two way street, communication is the goal. Not that this always works, but it gives us a outlet to talk about hard things and expect a normal conversation that does not end in yelling or a fight. We also work to not bring up hard or heavy things when we are dating or having fun. She and I do not have to walk on egg shells because something may come out. We both know we have a safe place to talk about the hard things.

 

Now, if she was cheating or hiding spending,or I was doing the same this would not work, as that is a ongoing problem and there would be no trust between us. I think this works on past issues, that you both want to resolve. Maybe you can ask your wife for a time to work out all the things between you. The A, and also anything she may need to bring up. Unless your wife is one who is really evil, and is just trying to pull one over until the next A, she will need a safe place to talk and know that you are getting the information you need.

 

We did not have any money for MC or IC, after we both decided to stay and work on the marriage, we hit upon this and it has worked for the most part. At first, we looked back on our relationship and marriage, but now we tend to talk about what we want for the future. Our health is front and center right now, more then what was done in the past.

 

I am not saying this is a miracle path for all people to work on their marriage. It seems to be working for us. Also, I am dealing with her spending the retirement, and placing us in a position of debt. Why did she take everything we had worked for and destroy it? I really had a fear that others things were also going on, and I, and her needed a place to bring everything up. BTW, just because we talk about it, does not mean I accept all she says. We had to work on honesty, and candor.

 

If you and your wife find something that works for you, please share.

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[road]

Anyone go through a stage where they felt like they were done talking about it but then things blew up later? We are at 7 months post dday and I really don't want to talk about anything else regarding the affair. I'm certain she feels the same way of course.

 

But the last couple of days I'm wondering if we should be talking about the affair regardless if I want to or not. I don't want to get months or years down the road and be right back were we were 3 months ago because we did not deal with everything.

 

Anyone been here? Is this a normal stage?

 

 

 

 

Again, once all the BS's questions have been answered there is nothing to talk about.

 

 

So it is normal to eventually stop talking about the affair.

[fellini]

Anyone go through a stage where they felt like they were done talking about it but then things blew up later? We are at 7 months post dday and I really don't want to talk about anything else regarding the affair. I'm certain she feels the same way of course.

 

But the last couple of days I'm wondering if we should be talking about the affair regardless if I want to or not. I don't want to get months or years down the road and be right back were we were 3 months ago because we did not deal with everything.

 

Anyone been here? Is this a normal stage?

 

If your need to talk is a genuine need, then do it. Perhaps you have your answers to questions, but net necessarily what everything means.

 

Exploring the meaning and implications is not easy work.

 

If you wife is willing, and these talks are not opportunities to scream, then I say you are a lucky man in that she understands your continuous need to process. If it feels right, do it.

 

You will know when it doesn't feel right to "always have to talk about it".

 

One small issue is to have a look at what some of the literature says about "having an affair with the affair". If you feel you have become addicted to her affair, you will want to get out of this quickly. It sounds the opposite is happening. Congrats.

[VeryBrokenMan]

There have been a few very emotional conversations but many of our conversations the last three months have been candid and open without judgement on my part and I think that allows her to be even more open and honest. She does understand my need to talk and process (or my prior need to talk) and often prompted me to talk about it. These are not conversations she enjoyed but I think truly wanted to tell me everything I wanted to know.

 

I can see how one would get "addicted" to the pain and drama of talking about the affair. I think stopping that is is part of letting go of victum-hood and accepting the fact they actually did this to your marriage. Nothing she can do or say can change that so to move on I have to just accept it. I think I'm back in the mode of thinking that her bad choices are not going to define my happiness and I refuse to wallow in that muck. So on we go.

 

After thinking about why we are not talking about the affair the best reason I could come up with is that nothing is really triggering me the last few weeks. And I just don't feel like rehashing everything that we've been over so many times now. I'm just done with that. I know what happened, how it happened and what she was feeling. I'm still not certain what she is feeling was fully conveyed to me but someday maybe it will be. I have just assumed that she was at least deeply infatuated and I'm trying to come to terms with that. I don't understand how she could do that but I think as a non-cheater I'll never understand it.

[beach]

In order to get past my "feelings", pain and hurt by my exH - my therapist had me understand that would show evidence when I felt completely neutral or unaffected by anything he might say or do. Until then, I had deep feelings for him - enough to allow him to "affect me".

 

The phone call she received - and her reaction - shows evidence that she still has feelings for him - and that even a phone call can deeply affect her.

 

She has much work to do for herself and your marriage.

 

Completely unaffected = don't care and it doesn't matter.

 

 

He still holds a lot of power over her.

[turnera]

After thinking about why we are not talking about the affair the best reason I could come up with is that nothing is really triggering me the last few weeks. And I just don't feel like rehashing everything that we've been over so many times now. I'm just done with that. I know what happened, how it happened and what she was feeling. I'm still not certain what she is feeling was fully conveyed to me but someday maybe it will be. I have just assumed that she was at least deeply infatuated and I'm trying to come to terms with that. I don't understand how she could do that but I think as a non-cheater I'll never understand it.

The monthly talk that was brought up can be very beneficial to you two, as you try to improve and affair-proof your marriage. Knowing that you'll have a safe place once a month to talk about anything and everything will really help.

[beach]

Do you see yourself as a complete person without your wife?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Beach....that a very good question and it makes me wonder how many of us do see ourselves as a complete person without our spouse.

 

I cannot....nor do I want to.

[Hope Shimmers]

Beach....that a very good question and it makes me wonder how many of us do see ourselves as a complete person without our spouse.

 

I cannot....nor do I want to.

 

I don't need a man to make me complete. I already am.

 

Would I like to share it with a man? Yes.

[Hope Shimmers]

Beach....that a very good question and it makes me wonder how many of us do see ourselves as a complete person without our spouse.

 

I cannot....nor do I want to.

 

I'm sorry to disagree, but it is this type of thinking that stops people from being able to make healthy decisions when they need to be made.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well i have certainly made my share of unhealthy choices.....

 

I think it is great you are that confident about yourself.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well i have certainly made my share of unhealthy choices.....

 

I think it is great you are that confident about yourself.

 

Thanks Mrs Adams, I haven't had a choice but to be confident in me because that is all I have.

[fellini]

Personally I think the question of whether someone feels complete or not without their spouse is an unfair one with respect to infidelity.

 

There are a lot of people who feel incomplete without another person in their lives, or rather, believes what 99% of love songs say "I can't live, if living is without you" (Said in a zillion ways)

 

That a betrayed spouse should have to assess that in terms of marriage to a WS and not the 80% of those who live in fidelity free marriages seems a little unfair.

[Mrs. John Adams]

John and i talked about this last night....and for us....and maybe because we are in our 60's and have been married 43 years......we have certain expectations of how our spouse should feel about us.

 

and part of that is that we both feel we cannot and do not want to live without the other...so for the two of us....we do not feel complete without the other one.

 

this of course may only apply to us and may not be applicable to anyone else.

 

 

infidelity certainly can change that....but in our case it has not changed the expectation that we complete each other.

[beach]

Personally I think the question of whether someone feels complete or not without their spouse is an unfair one with respect to infidelity.

 

There are a lot of people who feel incomplete without another person in their lives, or rather, believes what 99% of love songs say "I can't live, if living is without you" (Said in a zillion ways)

 

That a betrayed spouse should have to assess that in terms of marriage to a WS and not the 80% of those who live in fidelity free marriages seems a little unfair.

 

It's interesting because I wasn't thinking of infidelity when I asked about that question.

 

But now that it's out there - I'm left wondering how much codependency plays a part in why any BS decides to leave the M or not - decides to impose consequences after DDay or not...?

 

 

For me, it certainly affected decisions I made within my M. At the 10 year mark I had few choices but to stay as I had small kids and was dependent on my then H.

 

At the 20 year mark when he cheated - I had become more savvy "just in case" and had 10 years of being sure I could survive on my own should it happen.

 

And I had done counseling for years to become stronger about my sense of self. It still didn't take away the massive amount of betrayal I felt - but it did help me to recognize and take action on that betrayal...since my boundary had been crossed again and trust was void within the M.

 

When I realized the M wasn't what I THOUGHT it was - and never would be - my decision became clear.

[fellini]

I'm wondering, now that you have elaborated, if you see "completes me" as synonymous with codependent / being dependent upon. I actually have always thought of them as 3 distinct relationship situations.

 

My response was envisioning the "completes me" in the sense that some people have a relationship - not a financial (dependency) or psychologically bound (codependent ) - in which they genuinely desire to have that person fill their world.

 

For some people this is considered unhealthy - like codependentcy - but I have come to believe that having someone who completes you is just a way of being with someone and needn't be scrutinised as though being completly "your own person" is somehow better for any reason. Sure we say we are born alone, and die alone, but living a life and having someone who completes us seems a great gift to have. Not better or worse. A gift Nonetheless.

 

The thing is when infidelity strikes, the BS is often, here in LS made to feel that having that gift is somehow a weakness. And I don't think it should be have that stigma. It might, as you point out, influence how we respond to infidelity in terms of the decision to reconcile or not, but i hope it's not taken to be something the BS has to shed - or worse deaden as though this feeling is somehow not only wrong, but might have something to do with being cheated on.

 

 

It's interesting because I wasn't thinking of infidelity when I asked about that question.

 

But now that it's out there - I'm left wondering how much codependency plays a part in why any BS decides to leave the M or not - decides to impose consequences after DDay or not...?

 

 

For me, it certainly affected decisions I made within my M. At the 10 year mark I had few choices but to stay as I had small kids and was dependent on my then H.

 

At the 20 year mark when he cheated - I had become more savvy "just in case" and had 10 years of being sure I could survive on my own should it happen.

 

And I had done counseling for years to become stronger about my sense of self. It still didn't take away the massive amount of betrayal I felt - but it did help me to recognize and take action on that betrayal...since my boundary had been crossed again and trust was void within the M.

 

When I realized the M wasn't what I THOUGHT it was - and never would be - my decision became clear.

[fellini]

But now that it's out there - I'm left wondering how much codependency plays a part in why any BS decides to leave the M or not - decides to impose consequences after DDay or not...

 

For me, it certainly affected decisions I made within my M. At the 10 year mark I had few choices but to stay as I had small kids and was dependent on my then H.

 

 

The issue of co and financial dependency surely affects the reasons why people stay, perhaps "feel trapped and unable to have the choice to stay or go" is the more accurate way of putting that. Even having kids can have that affect.

 

The kind of compassion and willingness that VBM has been showing in his post though, is the kind of "she completes me" thinking that I believe gives us strength to give it another chance. I suppose that what I was trying to say was that when someone writes something like "I don't need an X to complete me" that we don't know where the emphasis is: is the word "need" being used in its more objective form, or is being being used to suggest "needing" someone is a weakness in character. A "God forbid I should be like that" statement.

 

I don't think we stay because we feel trapped in this love, we stay because it is what we want to do. We are not blind, we are wide awake looking at something we cherish disappearing from our lives forever. We want to save it.

 

If we have someone we feel completes us, probably that goes a long way in the decision to stay, if only to have the resources to TRY to stay. It does not make someone a dormat, a rugsweeper, "pretending everything is back to normal", naive in trying to only see their partner in a positive light, far from it, it is what it is. If someone completes me, I am not going to toss a part of me without first recognising if it were me in that situation, I would want (not necessarily expect) the same.

 

On that last note, there are two incredibly deep films about the affects of infidelity on the marriage that I think challenge the idea that movies make light of, even promote cheating: George Clooney's "The Descendents" and Greg Kinnear's "Stuck in Love". In each we see the capacity for forgiveness comes from a sense that for both me, their wives "completed them".

Edited May 4, 2015 by fellini

[understand50]

"I don't think we stay because we feel trapped in this love, we stay because it is what we want to do. We are not blind, we are wide awake looking at something we cherish disappearing from our lives forever. We want to save it."

 

The rub is: Our first response is to try and forgive our WS, but do we know what we are forgiving? In my case, Her ONS, I did not really know all that had happened. Much later when I found out what really happened, I told I had no regrets, but ours is different from most here. For her financial Infidelity, I had a much better source, and could mostly figure out what went on. Not that she did not try and put her actions in the best light. We had to work trough that as well, and it has not been easy.

 

So, I think the BS's that point out the inconsistency's in WS & AP stories, and cast everything in the worst light, should be given some weight. Sometimes we want to believe, because we want to forgive, but we need to know WHAT we are forgiving. In VBM case, he has a lot of the details from other sources then his wife. There are parts of her story I would question, but in the end it is for VBM to make the decision to forgive, and to decide if he has the information to do so.

 

As for forgiving and reconcile , I do not think there is a stigma. On LS you have BS's who have divorced and who have reconciled, or are trying too. All we can share are our own life experiences. Each will be different, and unique. If VBM, or anybody else, can take something from my situation or others, great, but in the end he must do what is best for him. Our "job" is to be honest our comments, from what ever side we come from.

 

I think it is harder and takes more strength to reconcile and to forgive. I asked my wife, after 30 years, if she considered my forgiving her weakness, and she said that of all the things I have done for her, my forgiveness was what she treasured most, in that I was able to see past her actions and see the something that would lead to a loving life together. For me, her actions have meant that I always have the memory of her cheating, and I cannot forget the pain and betrayal. I just decided that I loved her enough to go on with her and not remind her about it. We both know and remember. It did, and still does, make me open to the fact that it could happen again. We have both been on guard for it. I wish that had extended to the secret spending. What has happened will also be there, when other things go wrong, and it is hard to separate past cheating from any issues going on in the present. We may have reconciled, but the past cheating will color our marriage going forward, and we can never have the innocence back.

 

I wish VBM and his wife good luck, as do I for everyone having to come to terms with the question "do I stay or do I leave"?

 

For those that have answered that question, we have to live with it.

137614601462146414661510

Edited May 4, 2015 by understand50

[VeryBrokenMan]

In order to get past my "feelings", pain and hurt by my exH - my therapist had me understand that would show evidence when I felt completely neutral or unaffected by anything he might say or do. Until then, I had deep feelings for him - enough to allow him to "affect me".

 

The phone call she received - and her reaction - shows evidence that she still has feelings for him - and that even a phone call can deeply affect her.

 

She has much work to do for herself and your marriage.

 

Completely unaffected = don't care and it doesn't matter.

 

 

He still holds a lot of power over her.

 

I think the feelings there are fright not love or romance. She had no idea of the rap sheet the POS had and any romantic feelings are gone from what I can tell. She aked me to get her mace and a handgun after she found out about his criminal past and she has wanted to talk on several occasions about how to protect herself if he tries to make contact in person.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Do you see yourself as a complete person without your wife?

 

Yes I do. I have always had a life outside of my wife. I have my career, my own hobbies and interests and formerly we spent a lot of time doing our own thing. In the past she has taken 10-14 day vacation twice a year without me and she does her thing and I do mine. That is something that we are working on going forward. She is committed to do some of the things I like and vice-versa. Since the affair she has taken just a one 6 or 7 day trip where we were separate and that is what we are going to try to limit "away" time to.

[VeryBrokenMan]

It's interesting because I wasn't thinking of infidelity when I asked about that question.

 

But now that it's out there - I'm left wondering how much codependency plays a part in why any BS decides to leave the M or not - decides to impose consequences after DDay or not...?

 

 

For me, it certainly affected decisions I made within my M. At the 10 year mark I had few choices but to stay as I had small kids and was dependent on my then H.

 

At the 20 year mark when he cheated - I had become more savvy "just in case" and had 10 years of being sure I could survive on my own should it happen.

 

And I had done counseling for years to become stronger about my sense of self. It still didn't take away the massive amount of betrayal I felt - but it did help me to recognize and take action on that betrayal...since my boundary had been crossed again and trust was void within the M.

 

When I realized the M wasn't what I THOUGHT it was - and never would be - my decision became clear.

 

I think that last sentence sums up my thinking on this. My marriage is not what I thought it was and my wife is not who I thought she was. But I feel I have clarity going forward that it will be what I want and she will be what I think she is and should either of those change I'll be OK to split. Then my decision will be made.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm wondering, now that you have elaborated, if you see "completes me" as synonymous with codependent / being dependent upon. I actually have always thought of them as 3 distinct relationship situations.

 

My response was envisioning the "completes me" in the sense that some people have a relationship - not a financial (dependency) or psychologically bound (codependent ) - in which they genuinely desire to have that person fill their world.

 

For some people this is considered unhealthy - like codependentcy - but I have come to believe that having someone who completes you is just a way of being with someone and needn't be scrutinised as though being completly "your own person" is somehow better for any reason. Sure we say we are born alone, and die alone, but living a life and having someone who completes us seems a great gift to have. Not better or worse. A gift Nonetheless.

 

The thing is when infidelity strikes, the BS is often, here in LS made to feel that having that gift is somehow a weakness. And I don't think it should be have that stigma. It might, as you point out, influence how we respond to infidelity in terms of the decision to reconcile or not, but i hope it's not taken to be something the BS has to shed - or worse deaden as though this feeling is somehow not only wrong, but might have something to do with being cheated on.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm not codependent. As I've said before I'm a pragmatist and I see my wife as the lesser of of many evils. I can jump ship to being alone or with someone else who might have more baggage or issues than she does. I'd rather have a companion I enjoy being with on a daily basis and to share and experience life with so being alone is not really an option. And to be honest I just don't want to put the type of effort into a new relationship that might not be any better than what I have now. I just really don't see that being a choice I'd ever make. I've already got a hot wife that looks 20 years younger than I do so there is no drive in me at all to replace her for physical reasons. And other than her cheating I can live with everything else without a problem.

 

There are no good choices when your wife cheats on you I'm just picking the least bad choice for me and how could that be a sign of weakness?

[VeryBrokenMan]

"I don't think we stay because we feel trapped in this love, we stay because it is what we want to do. We are not blind, we are wide awake looking at something we cherish disappearing from our lives forever. We want to save it."

 

The rub is: Our first response is to try and forgive our WS, but do we know what we are forgiving? In my case, Her ONS, I did not really know all that had happened. Much later when I found out what really happened, I told I had no regrets, but ours is different from most here. For her financial Infidelity, I had a much better source, and could mostly figure out what went on. Not that she did not try and put her actions in the best light. We had to work trough that as well, and it has not been easy.

 

So, I think the BS's that point out the inconsistency's in WS & AP stories, and cast everything in the worst light, should be given some weight. Sometimes we want to believe, because we want to forgive, but we need to know WHAT we are forgiving. In VBM case, he has a lot of the details from other sources then his wife. There are parts of her story I would question, but in the end it is for VBM to make the decision to forgive, and to decide if he has the information to do so.

 

As for forgiving and reconcile , I do not think there is a stigma. On LS you have BS's who have divorced and who have reconciled, or are trying too. All we can share are our own life experiences. Each will be different, and unique. If VBM, or anybody else, can take something from my situation or others, great, but in the end he must do what is best for him. Our "job" is to be honest our comments, from what ever side we come from.

 

I think it is harder and takes more strength to reconcile and to forgive. I asked my wife, after 30 years, if she considered my forgiving her weakness, and she said that of all the things I have done for her, my forgiveness was what she treasured most, in that I was able to see past her actions and see the something that would lead to a loving life together. For me, her actions have meant that I always have the memory of her cheating, and I cannot forget the pain and betrayal. I just decided that I loved her enough to go on with her and not remind her about it. We both know and remember. It did, and still does, make me open to the fact that it could happen again. We have both been on guard for it. I wish that had extended to the secret spending. What has happened will also be there, when other things go wrong, and it is hard to separate past cheating from any issues going on in the present. We may have reconciled, but the past cheating will color our marriage going forward, and we can never have the innocence back.

 

I wish VBM and his wife good luck, as do I for everyone having to come to terms with the question "do I stay or do I leave"?

 

For those that have answered that question, we have to live with it.

137614601462146414661510

 

Very well said!

 

Any WW (or WH) that does not treasure the forgiveness their spouse gives them probably does not deserve the forgiveness. My fWW has said my attempting to stay together and working toward forgiveness means the world to her and makes here see how much she took for granted and how much we have lost. I think she feels even more remorse because she see's the unconditional love I have for her that she did not reciprocate with. Especially given the statistic that 75% of marriages where the wife cheats are over as soon as it is discovered. The innocence is gone, the trust is fleeting, the feeling of security is probably gone for a long time. Everything changes. But we are closer today than 8 months ago, I can tell her anything and she can do the same. There is no more walking on eggshells or avoiding issues like before. Everything is on the table and that's a good thing.

[jbrent890]

I'm pretty sure I'm not codependent. As I've said before I'm a pragmatist and I see my wife as the lesser of of many evils. I can jump ship to being alone or with someone else who might have more baggage or issues than she does. I'd rather have a companion I enjoy being with on a daily basis and to share and experience life with so being alone is not really an option. And to be honest I just don't want to put the type of effort into a new relationship that might not be any better than what I have now. I just really don't see that being a choice I'd ever make. I've already got a hot wife that looks 20 years younger than I do so there is no drive in me at all to replace her for physical reasons. And other than her cheating I can live with everything else without a problem.

 

There are no good choices when your wife cheats on you I'm just picking the least bad choice for me and how could that be a sign of weakness?

 

I'm not trying to beat you up, but this just sounds like you are affraid to start over. For some, that does look like weakness. I'm not calling you weak, but that mindset is. Trust me, I work with plenty of single women age range 30 to 60 so I know there are plenty of women that keep in shape, don't have that much baggage, and are loyal. I don't know dude. I think you could apply your point of view if your wife was remourseful from start. I kind of read some of your earlier posts again and couldn't help cringe by how your wife chose to react to the situation. The most disturbing was her continuing the affair even though you called her out.