Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm not trying to beat you up, but this just sounds like you are affraid to start over. For some, that does look like weakness. I'm not calling you weak, but that mindset is. Trust me, I work with plenty of single women age range 30 to 60 so I know there are plenty of women that keep in shape, don't have that much baggage, and are loyal. I don't know dude. I think you could apply your point of view if your wife was remourseful from start. I kind of read some of your earlier posts again and couldn't help cringe by how your wife chose to react to the situation. The most disturbing was her continuing the affair even though you called her out.

 

I'm not really afraid to start over at all but I can see how you might think that. I think I'm just unwilling to put any effort into a new relationship. I could not start a new relationship without putting my heart and soul into it and I just don't see ANY women being worth that time commitment at this point in my life. Call me jaded or whatever but my days of putting up with s&*t are over with my WW and certainly with any new relationship. I was happy with my life before her affair and I'm happy with my life now.

 

BTW, after I confronted her the first time there were only 4 or 5 more calls, no sex and no phone sex. But you're right she did not break it off cleanly, just enough to hide it (or so she thought).

[fellini]

Very interesting post. I agree with you. When I said "we stay because it is what we want", I'm not referring to DDAY, or even necessarily within a week of DDay. Im talking about after the initial atomic blast, the numbness and some initial work beyond impact. Im saying, when we have a pretty clear idea of what happened, not operating out of a blind spot.

 

I guess what I am saying is that perhaps blind panic is the initial response, in much the same way as fake remorse occurs in the WS. I don't put much creedance on what happens during the fallout of dday. And in that blind panic we might agree to try but I think the reasons for doing so originally give way to more profound ones later on. Like we did the right thing for the wrong reason.

 

My WW went through the same process. Her original mode of response to my finding out was panic, and so she threw the AP under the bus. She faked her remorse, which was clearly just damage control, but eventually, I think maybe within 3 weeks, her reasons for wanting to stay changed to pretty much the same description that VBM has given us.

 

 

"I don't think we stay because we feel trapped in this love, we stay because it is what we want to do. We are not blind, we are wide awake looking at something we cherish disappearing from our lives forever. We want to save it."

 

The rub is: Our first response is to try and forgive our WS, but do we know what we are forgiving? In my case, Her ONS, I did not really know all that had happened. Much later when I found out what really happened, I told I had no regrets, but ours is different from most here. For her financial Infidelity, I had a much better source, and could mostly figure out what went on. Not that she did not try and put her actions in the best light. We had to work trough that as well, and it has not been easy.

Edited May 4, 2015 by fellini

[drifter777]

I guess what I am saying is that perhaps blind panic is the initial response, in much the same way as fake remorse occurs in the WS. I don't put much creedance on what happens during the fallout of dday. And in that blind panic we might agree to try but I think the reasons for doing so originally give way to more profound ones later on. Like we did the right thing for the wrong reason.

Bingo! Well put.

[GirlStillStrong]

FWIW, my opinion is that you are absolutely doing the right think, OP. This is your life and your marriage, YOUR journey, no one else's. And if you feel this is something you have to do, then more power to you. No one can predict the future; no one can predict what your WW will do, and to try would just be crazy-making. It sounds, too, like the work you are doing in IC is helping you grow as a person. No matter what happens in the future, some day you will look back on this time with greater wisdom and understanding, and probably a bit of gratitude for what you found to carry you through. God bless.

[HereNorThere]

I'm pretty sure I'm not codependent. As I've said before I'm a pragmatist and I see my wife as the lesser of of many evils. I can jump ship to being alone or with someone else who might have more baggage or issues than she does. I'd rather have a companion I enjoy being with on a daily basis and to share and experience life with so being alone is not really an option. And to be honest I just don't want to put the type of effort into a new relationship that might not be any better than what I have now. I just really don't see that being a choice I'd ever make. I've already got a hot wife that looks 20 years younger than I do so there is no drive in me at all to replace her for physical reasons. And other than her cheating I can live with everything yelse without a problem.

 

There are no good choices when your wife cheats on you I'm just picking the least bad choice for me and how could that be a sign of weakness?

 

This is what codependency is. In fact, this may be one of the best examples I've ever seen on the forum. You wouldn't tell a battered wife "Stay with the guy who only beats you a few times a year because the next guy could beat you daily." I applaud your honesty, but you've really just admitted that you're staying around because of your fear of the unknown. That and well, laziness.

 

The fact that you mentioned how "hot" your wife is only solidifies the "I can't do any better" mantra of this post. I'd rather have an average looking woman that I could trust than a super hot woman that I have to share. Besides, she may be "hot" to you, but c'mon, I mean, you have grown children. Most people pass the shallow, looks matter type thinking long before their kids are grown. There aren't a lot of grandmothers winning beauty pageants these days. Being married to the hottest woman at bingo isn't anything that should be effecting your decision to stay.

[understand50]

So.....

 

What is so wrong with being codependent? I married so I could have, a lover, co parent, companion, best friend, you get it. We are dependent on each other, emotionally and financially, so any marriage or relationship by definition is a codependency, no mater how you argue it.

 

OK, The following is what BAD Codependent relationship is,

 

"From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.[1] Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.[1]"

 

VBM, has laid down the law with his wife. He has given her a chose. Stop the A, change your behavior, answer all my questions, or leave. She seems to have made her chose, and change. Maybe not as well as some, but better than most. From what VBM has told us, he has gone in to reconciliation eyes wide open with all options still on the table. As far as he knows, this is the first sexual A his WS has had. He maybe wrong, but I think if he is it will come out. So I do not see him putting up with his wife's bad behavior, or meekly letting her go on with seeing other men, or treating him bad. Will she always be the best wife possible? No, she is human. No woman is at her best and unselfish at all times, just as all men are not the best husbands 24/7 they could be. I do not see VBM staying in his marriage as self distinctive. I do not believe that, once you have all the information you need, that reconciling is a self distinctive act. Yes, if she had with held information from him, or if she continued with the AP in any way, reconciliation would be VBM deluding himself. I do not see that. I could be wrong I have just VBM's word for it.

 

If we do not admit that people can change, then why even try and reconcile? Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, or stops the anger about what happened. All it means that we are willing to try and give our spouse the chance to make amends, and change their behavior.

 

I also think that people today look at all things being disposable. Marriage and relationships, along with your car, ETC. If it is not working out, just find another one. Well there comes a time it is not that simple. Our pop culture is filled with stories about good looking 30-40 something women who can not find a someone to commit, marry and have kids with. It is not easy finding another person you can love and commit to. Sex is readily available, but what is it, but mutual masturbation, with out love, companionship and a future together? At our age, everyone has baggage, a past, regrets, you name it. My wife and I share our past, our regrets, our baggage. we grew up together. When the end comes to each of us, we hope to be buried together. I will not toss this away, until I made sure I had to.

 

 

661686688691707709711713715717719

[HereNorThere]

So.....

 

What is so wrong with being codependent? I married so I could have, a lover, co parent, companion, best friend, you get it. We are dependent on each other, emotionally and financially, so any marriage or relationship by definition is a codependency, no mater how you argue it.

 

OK, The following is what BAD Codependent relationship is,

 

"From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.[1] Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.[1]"

 

VBM, has laid down the law with his wife. He has given her a chose. Stop the A, change your behavior, answer all my questions, or leave. She seems to have made her chose, and change. Maybe not as well as some, but better than most. From what VBM has told us, he has gone in to reconciliation eyes wide open with all options still on the table. As far as he knows, this is the first sexual A his WS has had. He maybe wrong, but I think if he is it will come out. So I do not see him putting up with his wife's bad behavior, or meekly letting her go on with seeing other men, or treating him bad. Will she always be the best wife possible? No, she is human. No woman is at her best and unselfish at all times, just as all men are not the best husbands 24/7 they could be. I do not see VBM staying in his marriage as self distinctive. I do not believe that, once you have all the information you need, that reconciling is a self distinctive act. Yes, if she had with held information from him, or if she continued with the AP in any way, reconciliation would be VBM deluding himself. I do not see that. I could be wrong I have just VBM's word for it.

 

If we do not admit that people can change, then why even try and reconcile? Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, or stops the anger about what happened. All it means that we are willing to try and give our spouse the chance to make amends, and change their behavior.

 

I also think that people today look at all things being disposable. Marriage and relationships, along with your car, ETC. If it is not working out, just find another one. Well there comes a time it is not that simple. Our pop culture is filled with stories about good looking 30-40 something women who can not find a someone to commit, marry and have kids with. It is not easy finding another person you can love and commit to. Sex is readily available, but what is it, but mutual masturbation, with out love, companionship and a future together? At our age, everyone has baggage, a past, regrets, you name it. My wife and I share our past, our regrets, our baggage. we grew up together. When the end comes to each of us, we hope to be buried together. I will not toss this away, until I made sure I had to.

 

 

661686688691707709711713715717719

 

 

No..... You said "the following is what bad codependent relationship is" but that's actually just the definition of a codependent relationship. I was going to google the definition, but you did my work for me. As you can see by your own research, codependent relationships are dysfunctional by their very own nature.

 

That may be the first time someone ever rebutted their own post here, so that's kinda cool. You researched and answered your own question.

[fellini]

Come on HereNorThere, your reading only from the definition of codependent relationships WHAT you want, and you are reading INTO VBM's stories a ton of things that simply are not there, nor do we have sufficient details to make such an assumption.

 

Nothing about VBM's case could be construed as being definitively:

"dysfunction helping relationship"

There is nothing in his posts that suggests his relationship is dysfunctional and that both spouses participate in this willingly. And please, no wise cracks about having a cheating wife is dysfunctional. That is not what the definition alludes to.

 

"supports or enables another's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility or underachievment"

Unless you call loving someone an addiction, which makes all those who love addicts. And there is a slippery slope in going from "the high from infidelity is like an addiction to the high one gets from infidelity is an addiction" - but nothing VBM has said makes me think he ENABLES his wife's addiction or she him. IN fact, VBM has stated VERY CLEARLY the opposite: his decision to stay is for his own personal reasons, not based in support from his WW. In fact, he has made claim that she is shocked she is getting a second chance. This is not enabling. My WW was the same. That I didn't kick her out of my life and ruin her has shocked her.

 

Nothing about VBM's posts suggest he is married to a basket case, a child, or an underachiever. She seems like a normal typical woman who cheated on a normal typical husband.

 

"Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity"

This is the clincher for me. VBM has never said he has no identity without his WW. He has been very clear about his assessment of whether it makes sense TO HIM (not his wife's version of him) to try to fix what he has, or go through the trouble of starting over. VBM has clearly demonstrated through all of his posts that he is thinking for himself and in his self interests. That he says his wife is attractive is not a signal of codependent, at worst it is a sign of someone who puts physical appearance high on their list of attributes they seek in a partner. Im the same. I don't think I have ever dated or had a relationship with someone I didn't find enormously attractive. It's no big deal.

 

I find it extremely unfair for anyone to tell another person who has invested their life in another to say they are being lazy NOT wanting to find another partner. This is just so unacceptable and deliberate misreading of what love and commitment means to some people I'm not going to bother unraveling the pure nonsense in it.

 

 

No..... You said "the following is what bad codependent relationship is" but that's actually just the definition of a codependent relationship. I was going to google the definition, but you did my work for me. As you can see by your own research, codependent relationships are dysfunctional by their very own nature.

 

That may be the first time someone ever rebutted their own post here, so that's kinda cool. You researched and answered your own question.

Edited May 5, 2015 by fellini

[VeryBrokenMan]

This is what codependency is. In fact, this may be one of the best examples I've ever seen on the forum. You wouldn't tell a battered wife "Stay with the guy who only beats you a few times a year because the next guy could beat you daily." I applaud your honesty, but you've really just admitted that you're staying around because of your fear of the unknown. That and well, laziness.

 

The fact that you mentioned how "hot" your wife is only solidifies the "I can't do any better" mantra of this post. I'd rather have an average looking woman that I could trust than a super hot woman that I have to share. Besides, she may be "hot" to you, but c'mon, I mean, you have grown children. Most people pass the shallow, looks matter type thinking long before their kids are grown. There aren't a lot of grandmothers winning beauty pageants these days. Being married to the hottest woman at bingo isn't anything that should be effecting your decision to stay.

 

It's not codependency when you don't care anymore what she does so I'm not sure you understand codependency. I asked my IC about codependency and she said not too long ago that I'm the least co-dependant person she had ever treated. And it's not laziness at all if I choose not to waste part of my life chasing a fictional woman who may or may not be better for me just because the one I'm with made a horrible choice.

 

I'm not going to defend how hot I think she is because my opinion is all that matters really. But it's not just my opinion about how hot she is, I see how guys react when she walks into a room. She just turned 50 but everyone thinks she looks about 35. She has had a very easy life and all the beauty treatments(botox/fillers/laser) that she wanted.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I agree with all of what you said and it was well thought out. But just want to point out that I've said several times that I enjoy her as a companion. She is fun and a great time and we have a lot of fun together. Her physical attractiveness does not play a role in that at all that is just a bonus. The bottom line is I truly enjoy being with her as a person.

 

Come on HereNorThere, your reading only from the definition of codependent relationships WHAT you want, and you are reading INTO VBM's stories a ton of things that simply are not there, nor do we have sufficient details to make such an assumption.

 

Nothing about VBM's case could be construed as being definitively:

"dysfunction helping relationship"

There is nothing in his posts that suggests his relationship is dysfunctional and that both spouses participate in this willingly. And please, no wise cracks about having a cheating wife is dysfunctional. That is not what the definition alludes to.

 

"supports or enables another's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility or underachievment"

Unless you call loving someone an addiction, which makes all those who love addicts. And there is a slippery slope in going from "the high from infidelity is like an addiction to the high one gets from infidelity is an addiction" - but nothing VBM has said makes me think he ENABLES his wife's addiction or she him. IN fact, VBM has stated VERY CLEARLY the opposite: his decision to stay is for his own personal reasons, not based in support from his WW. In fact, he has made claim that she is shocked she is getting a second chance. This is not enabling. My WW was the same. That I didn't kick her out of my life and ruin her has shocked her.

 

Nothing about VBM's posts suggest he is married to a basket case, a child, or an underachiever. She seems like a normal typical woman who cheated on a normal typical husband.

 

"Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity"

This is the clincher for me. VBM has never said he has no identity without his WW. He has been very clear about his assessment of whether it makes sense TO HIM (not his wife's version of him) to try to fix what he has, or go through the trouble of starting over. VBM has clearly demonstrated through all of his posts that he is thinking for himself and in his self interests. That he says his wife is attractive is not a signal of codependent, at worst it is a sign of someone who puts physical appearance high on their list of attributes they seek in a partner. Im the same. I don't think I have ever dated or had a relationship with someone I didn't find enormously attractive. It's no big deal.

 

I find it extremely unfair for anyone to tell another person who has invested their life in another to say they are being lazy NOT wanting to find another partner. This is just so unacceptable and deliberate misreading of what love and commitment means to some people I'm not going to bother unraveling the pure nonsense in it.

[fellini]

I agree with all of what you said and it was well thought out. But just want to point out that I've said several times that I enjoy her as a companion. She is fun and a great time and we have a lot of fun together. Her physical attractiveness does not play a role in that at all that is just a bonus. The bottom line is I truly enjoy being with her as a person.

 

I hear you. If ever I leave my wife, I won't think, my god I'm leaving a hot woman. It will be that I have left the woman I once loved like no other.

[LifesontheUp]

It's not codependency when you don't care anymore what she does so I'm not sure you understand codependency.

 

VBM - doesn't this bother you that you don't care? If you are going to make it work, then shouldn't you care?

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM - doesn't this bother you that you don't care? If you are going to make it work, then shouldn't you care?

 

It seems counter intuitive but my IC has told me many times that I cannot be wrapped up in what she chooses to do. My happiness cannot revolve around what she wants from life or if she chooses to remain with me. I have to be OK with her leaving or staying to be truly happy. And my IC tells me that indifference is a position of strength as we wade through these post-affair waters. So I've come to terms with the fact we may not be together in the future and I'm OK with that. That does not mean I don't care for her, hate her or anything like that. Just that I'll be alright and have a great life with or without her.

[drifter777]

It seems counter intuitive but my IC has told me many times that I cannot be wrapped up in what she chooses to do. My happiness cannot revolve around what she wants from life or if she chooses to remain with me. I have to be OK with her leaving or staying to be truly happy. And my IC tells me that indifference is a position of strength as we wade through these post-affair waters. So I've come to terms with the fact we may not be together in the future and I'm OK with that. That does not mean I don't care for her, hate her or anything like that. Just that I'll be alright and have a great life with or without her.

I'm not going to try and diagnose you because this is just an anonymous forum and, besides, I'm not qualified. What I bolded, above, seems like your IC is working with you to avoid falling in to or continuing with codependent behavior. He/she doesn't want to see you sacrifice your self-esteem and sense of worth just to avoid being alone. It's important for a healthy recovery that you face all of the realities of her cheating and it's affect on you and your relationship. That if you choose to stay that your choice is not due to an unhealthy assumption about how your life would be if you divorce. If you are motivated by codependent/dependent behavior you will not find peace of mind. His/her job is to guide you to make healthy choices.

[fellini]

Your IC is right VBM. You cannot put your happiness in her, it has to be from you.

but I disagree with the assessment by drifter.

 

Codependency is what it is because of the CO just as much as the dependency. there are huge numbers of people living their lives knowing that if their significant other left, it would devastate them. It is healthier, almost always, to know you are not afraid to end a relationship. But being happier in a relationship doesn't make you codependent.

 

You cant have one person in a codependent relationship. The definition of codependency is very clear about that.

 

I dont know why people are harping on you being codependent. Maybe it's something that isn't about you, just the usual LS thing going on. It just makes no sense to harp on this otherwise.

Edited May 5, 2015 by fellini

[drifter777]

Your IC is right VBM. You cannot put your happiness in her, it has to be from you.

but I disagree with the assessment by drifter.

What a shock...

[fellini]

What a shock...

 

What can one expect from a poster who continuously mocks me, tells me I'm a delusional rug sweeping, living in denial BS, and pretends to know my WW and her situation better than I, who continues to harp on the fact that she works in the same university as her AP as though that means anything other than to you I'm a complete dupe...

 

yeah, it doesn't surprise me that you came in on VBM being codependent merely because I disagree with the prognosis that he is.

Edited May 7, 2015 by fellini

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm not sure if it's guilt on her part or just that she feels like she has to go above and beyond where I'm concerned but the last few days I've been struck by how compassionate and in tune to me my fWW has been. I was a little sore from a workout yesterday and you would have thought my leg had been cut off by how she babied me. It's like our orbits have shifted and her orbit now revolves around me rather than vice-versa. It's probably not emotionally healthy long term but I kinda like being the center of her universe for a change. I don't expect it will last forever (and it should not) but equal orbits sounds pretty nice.

 

Has anyone else experienced this?

[Rainbowlove]

I'm not sure if it's guilt on her part or just that she feels like she has to go above and beyond where I'm concerned but the last few days I've been struck by how compassionate and in tune to me my fWW has been. I was a little sore from a workout yesterday and you would have thought my leg had been cut off by how she babied me. It's like our orbits have shifted and her orbit now revolves around me rather than vice-versa. It's probably not emotionally healthy long term but I kinda like being the center of her universe for a change. I don't expect it will last forever (and it should not) but equal orbits sounds pretty nice.

 

Has anyone else experienced this?

 

Yes. I think what happens is when you realize you are about to lose a love you value, you realize you are losing a love you value and you do anything to hold on to it.

 

In my M, prior to my A, I was the one always giving and giving and giving with little in return. My wife took and took and took without giving back.

 

Now, after my A, we are equally giving and taking. My wife realized she needed to give more than take and I realized I needed to take more than give.

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

Don't let her be the giver and you the taker either. It won't work that way...

 

Balance each other out more. Take it now, but keep giving too.

[drifter777]

What can one expect from a poster who continuously mocks me, tells me I'm a delusional rug sweeping, living in denial BS, and pretends to know my WW and her situation better than I, who continues to harp on the fact that she works in the same university as her AP as though that means anything other than to you I'm a complete dupe...

 

yeah, it doesn't surprise me that you came in on VBM being codependent merely because I disagree with the prognosis that he is.

What a shock.

[fellini]

Absolutely. I too liked it at first, but it felt too much after a while.

So what I did was to propose we find a long term "family project" - to plan and build something together, and to put our energies into that. And this has worked really well. We have something all three can be part of, enjoy, and it takes the pressure off having to dote on me like a wounded child.

 

Our project involved a lot of hours working together, making designs, plans, decisions, and interacting with a large community of people. It has given us a new identity as a family. Just what we needed.

 

I'm not sure if it's guilt on her part or just that she feels like she has to go above and beyond where I'm concerned but the last few days I've been struck by how compassionate and in tune to me my fWW has been. I was a little sore from a workout yesterday and you would have thought my leg had been cut off by how she babied me. It's like our orbits have shifted and her orbit now revolves around me rather than vice-versa. It's probably not emotionally healthy long term but I kinda like being the center of her universe for a change. I don't expect it will last forever (and it should not) but equal orbits sounds pretty nice.

 

Has anyone else experienced this?

Edited May 7, 2015 by fellini

[VeryBrokenMan]

So what I did was to propose we find a long term "family project" - to plan and build something together, and to put our energies into that. And this has worked really well. We have something all three can be part of, enjoy, and it takes the pressure off having to dote on me like a wounded child.

That's a great idea actually. I need to come up with something that we can both be happy with.

 

We had a short talk about the affair Friday night. One issue that came up was trust and how she can rebuild it. She told me she wants me to find some app for her phone that will let me know were she is and basically "spy" on her. I told her I'd look into it but really think it's worthless because if she wants to cheat she will find a way. The fact that she wants that tells me I really don't have anything to worry about. She also said "I don't think you realize how much distress I was in over losing my mother and sister". She is probably right since she never bothered to talk with me in depth. And the times we did talk since her mothers passing our relationship never came up and she never told me how depressed or unhappy she was with life. I still don't know how all that plays into cheating but I guess I'll never understand that.

[beach]

That's a great idea actually. I need to come up with something that we can both be happy with.

 

We had a short talk about the affair Friday night. One issue that came up was trust and how she can rebuild it. She told me she wants me to find some app for her phone that will let me know were she is and basically "spy" on her. I told her I'd look into it but really think it's worthless because if she wants to cheat she will find a way. The fact that she wants that tells me I really don't have anything to worry about. She also said "I don't think you realize how much distress I was in over losing my mother and sister". She is probably right since she never bothered to talk with me in depth. And the times we did talk since her mothers passing our relationship never came up and she never told me how depressed or unhappy she was with life. I still don't know how all that plays into cheating but I guess I'll never understand that.

 

 

You see, she is putting that accountability back onto you to do something.

 

Instead, SHE should be PROVIDING that FOR YOU.

 

And that's why the whole thing is backwards. She isn't doing enough - for HER part in it.

 

Earning trust back is not up to you to chase her evidence... It is up to her to lay it at your feet.

 

Heck, any gal could say "I'm meeting my sister for lunch". The gps shows the correct location. Pictures show evidence that lunch is happening where stated... BUT, it IS still absolutely possible to head to a bathroom for 2-3 minutes for a quickie, no? YES - that's absolutely possible in the world of a cheater.

 

 

Cheaters cheat. They rarely change... And your W has cheated twice.

 

I think the best you can hope for is that history will repeat itself - it's just that you need to be ready when it does repeat... Because she really hasn't suffered many consequences - and when you get comfortable enough not to check anymore - it's bound to happen.

 

She knows her Om is waiting - she asked him to wait. She also asked him to only contact her at the house in the mornings = and when he did just that she acted all shocked! Oh my, goodness me - HE CALLED ME! How dare he? SHE told him to...remember?

 

She's got a game she plays... It's working for her.

 

It's just a big pile of crap that she would tell YOU to make effort to follow her around. Talk about some big ego? She takes the cake!

 

And an ego that big will always cheat again - you just wait.

[aliveagain]

That's a great idea actually. I need to come up with something that we can both be happy with.

 

We had a short talk about the affair Friday night. One issue that came up was trust and how she can rebuild it. She told me she wants me to find some app for her phone that will let me know were she is and basically "spy" on her. I told her I'd look into it but really think it's worthless because if she wants to cheat she will find a way. The fact that she wants that tells me I really don't have anything to worry about. She also said "I don't think you realize how much distress I was in over losing my mother and sister". She is probably right since she never bothered to talk with me in depth. And the times we did talk since her mothers passing our relationship never came up and she never told me how depressed or unhappy she was with life. I still don't know how all that plays into cheating but I guess I'll never understand that.

 

I guess just enough distress to start banging a friends felon husband. Sorry but that's a piss poor excuse to cheat. She did it because she wanted to. Everything else is just a bullsh*t excuse she used to justify the disrespect she showed you.

[Furious]

After reading this entire thread, I see it as an exercise for VBM to vent and retreat. VBM, wants to reconcile. It's that simple.

 

I don't think you're here to get advice but to just gets things off your chest.

 

I think there's been a misunderstanding that you've not been clear about. If you were to just say I don't want advice but just need somewhere to vent and somewhere to exercise my vulnerabilities and hurt.

 

It seems you've moved past the betrayal and this has become an exercise in defending your choice to reconcile.

 

Correct if I'm wrong, if so, can you explain what it is you're looking for in sharing your story.