Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 Well the OM tried to call the house this morning and she did not pick up. She called and told me about it right away and was pretty shaken up again. I'm ticked off and outraged that he keeps trying but I'm not sure how to deal with this low life scum sucker. We found out through back channels a couple of weeks ago that his wife knows all about his "activities" and just looks the other way. I think he's probably trolling though his contact list looking for hookups. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Maybe you should get your PI on him to see what he is up to. The main goal for you now is to protect your wife and keep her safe. Let her know she is safe. As his BS knows all about it, I would now get a restraining order. You both seem to be a "better" place, don't let him mess things up. Your wife did what you had asked for. In another post you stated that your wife had asked for a firearm. I would consider it, but if you do, both of you should get training on how and when to use it. There are several groups that will do this. It may give your wife a sense of control over the situation. BTW, my wife owns a gun and knows how to shoot and hits what she aims at . Just a thought, you both may decide this is not for you, but it is taking a positive step to regain control from him. 18441869 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Well the OM tried to call the house this morning and she did not pick up. She called and told me about it right away and was pretty shaken up again. I'm ticked off and outraged that he keeps trying but I'm not sure how to deal with this low life scum sucker. We found out through back channels a couple of weeks ago that his wife knows all about his "activities" and just looks the other way. I think he's probably trolling though his contact list looking for hookups. Shaken up = she still has feelings for him. Completely neutral would indicate she just plain has no feelings whatsoever. She still has work to do for herself. Think about it - he IS doing what she TOLD HIM to do... So it's only her fault. She told him to call the house - in the mornings only. she can be mad at herself - her instructions are being followed by him. You keep thinking she's all innocent in this but I don't think you've taken your blinders off yet. Your wife has cheated at least two times... Whether you minimize it or not. She's capable of paying attention to other men - especially when you aren't likely to find out. How you could possibly trust her for one second is beyond me. I know you desperately want to trust her - but honestly there's not one thing you've typed in all these pages that makes me think she's worthy of ANY trust. Get the polygraph. And have her sign that post up. You keep holding it out there like you're going to do those things but you never seem to take action on actually finding truth and protecting yourself. Be smart and start doing things differently. Your wife created this mess - it's her consequences that might change things - so far, she's had VERY few consequences. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 It doesn't cost that much to have your lawyer send a cease and desist letter. And once you do that, the next time he calls, you can sue the hell out of him. Ruin his life. Make it worthwhile to stay away. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I agree with beach. And I am sorry if you are upset that I'm saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway. I think you should verify that this guy is actually spontaneously calling without her knowledge, that she is not answering, etc. I wonder if this could be a setup, a way to throw you off, as it makes her look very good for reacting to these calls by running to you in fear. I hope not, but I would not dismiss it as a possibility given the history. Sorry, I just don't see much there that warrants any level of trust. I hope I'm wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 VBM, I do get your feeling that you won't worry because if she cheats again, you'll be gone. The problem is that you don't seem to be concerned about periodically CHECKING to see if she's cheating again. Any true FORMER cheater will welcome you randomly verifying that everything's cool. It should be an understood between the two of you and every 3 to 6 months, you should hold out your hand and ask to look at her phone or computer. Or do it yourself. Incorporate that, and THEN go about your business not worrying about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 VBM, You wife did what she was supposed to do by letting you know when the POS tries to contact her. Give her a big hug. 469 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 VBM, You wife did what she was supposed to do by letting you know when the POS tries to contact her. Give her a big hug. 469 "Trust but verify" is the line I keep hearing over and over on this forum. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 File for a restraining order, send everything through your lawyer, make it official. Have it sent by courier, again through your lawyer, to his house and make him sign for it. Find out if you can even include his wife. You may have to notify his local Real Estate Board since your wife is getting her licence. I don't know if his broker needs to be notified since it could effect his bonding, talk to your lawyer. You may have to hurt him where it really hurts, his pocket book. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 File for a restraining order, send everything through your lawyer, make it official. Have it sent by courier, again through your lawyer, to his house and make him sign for it. Find out if you can even include his wife. You may have to notify his local Real Estate Board since your wife is getting her licence. I don't know if his broker needs to be notified since it could effect his bonding, talk to your lawyer. You may have to hurt him where it really hurts, his pocket book. How can you when he was told directly by her that this is the way to reach her? He's waited a fair amount of time - he probably wants to see if the coast is clear and the dust has settled. It's only typical of an AP... It's not like he's stalking her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 block the number don't give him a chance to get through 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 At worst it's taken about 4 or maybe 5 months out of my life. That's not 4 or 5 years. Here is the difference between what you believe and what I've been practicing: I don't worry at all about her cheating again. I can take trips without her and she can do the same and I won't think twice about her cheating again. That is because I know I'm going to have a great life with or without her and I can move forward in full safety. I'm not sure you guys that are bringing up the "what if she cheats again" line over and over really get the concept or mindset. What she does from this point forward determines if she is in my life for the long term. If she really wants to be with me then she will make every effort to do so. And if not, then it's over and we live separate lives. I refuse to let her actions control my happiness and more importantly I refuse to let her affair ruin the rest of my life. Holy crap man, life is way too short to spend another 3 or 4 years stewing over this BS. I think those that wallow in that pain probably want to wallow in that pain. I choose not to and I'm simply not going to do it. I'm done and I'm moving forward. And *this* is how you handle affairs. I think you could write the textbook on this. Though I've been fortunate enough not to have been a victim of an affair, the way you're handling it is close to the way I have thought I might handle it if it ever did happen. People go apesh*t when they find out they've been cheated on, which I totally understand, but the key is self-control. At the end of the day, what do you want? Do you want a divorce? Get one. But if you want a marriage, then try to stay married. The key at that point is to set boundaries. Keep your ego out of it, and whatever happens, happens. Nice work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Well the OM tried to call the house this morning and she did not pick up. She called and told me about it right away and was pretty shaken up again. I'm ticked off and outraged that he keeps trying but I'm not sure how to deal with this low life scum sucker. We found out through back channels a couple of weeks ago that his wife knows all about his "activities" and just looks the other way. I think he's probably trolling though his contact list looking for hookups. Your wife must file a restraining order against the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 OK guys (and gals) I just spoke with my attorney and unless the POS has made threats or been physically stalking us it would not be approved. I can't get any action based on two phone calls. Blocking the number might work, going to check on that. VBM, I do get your feeling that you won't worry because if she cheats again, you'll be gone. The problem is that you don't seem to be concerned about periodically CHECKING to see if she's cheating again. Any true FORMER cheater will welcome you randomly verifying that everything's cool. It should be an understood between the two of you and every 3 to 6 months, you should hold out your hand and ask to look at her phone or computer. Or do it yourself. Incorporate that, and THEN go about your business not worrying about it. I have asked for her phone several times over the last few months and she never hesitates to hand it to me. Every text she gets she mentions who it was so I'm not fearing the worst. Being a realtor she gets a lot of texts and phone calls but she always lets me know what's going on. I have access to email/facebook. The truth is I don't care today if she cheats again. Actually I'm just struggling with the "caring" part right now. I'm really not feeling passionate about life, her or really anything right now. I just feel like I don't feel anything. My IC tells me that this is a phase and I'll pass through it. It's a defense mechanism that our minds put up to allow us to cope with the horrors of betrayal and the emotional trauma. I'd like to feel again but it's just not there right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 I agree with beach. And I am sorry if you are upset that I'm saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway. I think you should verify that this guy is actually spontaneously calling without her knowledge, that she is not answering, etc. I wonder if this could be a setup, a way to throw you off, as it makes her look very good for reacting to these calls by running to you in fear. I hope not, but I would not dismiss it as a possibility given the history. Sorry, I just don't see much there that warrants any level of trust. I hope I'm wrong. I've considered that in depth but she would have to be a very good actress to fake her distress when she get those calls. Believe me when I say I do not have blinders on I mean it. Everything is suspect these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 And *this* is how you handle affairs. I think you could write the textbook on this. Though I've been fortunate enough not to have been a victim of an affair, the way you're handling it is close to the way I have thought I might handle it if it ever did happen. People go apesh*t when they find out they've been cheated on, which I totally understand, but the key is self-control. At the end of the day, what do you want? Do you want a divorce? Get one. But if you want a marriage, then try to stay married. The key at that point is to set boundaries. Keep your ego out of it, and whatever happens, happens. Nice work. Thanks for your positive comments. Your so right that it's very easy to go apes*it after an affair and it's very hard to maintain self control and self dignity. I think the best thing I did was on DDay when I gave her the choice of confessing everything that day or divorce. I think that set the tone for everything that followed. I was a mess that first couple of months and I probably did go apes*it a few times but after that my IC helped me in adopting my current thinking and it made a world of difference not only allowing us to reconcile but also to allow me to get control of my emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 "The truth is I don't care today if she cheats again. Actually I'm just struggling with the "caring" part right now. I'm really not feeling passionate about life, her or really anything right now. I just feel like I don't feel anything. My IC tells me that this is a phase and I'll pass through it. It's a defense mechanism that our minds put up to allow us to cope with the horrors of betrayal and the emotional trauma. I'd like to feel again but it's just not there right now." VBM, The saying "When going trough Hell - RUN" , may show a way. In my blackest time after I found out just how much the wife had put us in a financial hole, and I was so angry and mad at her, it was destructive to me in profound ways. We both made time to "date" and had a rule not to speak of anything that was making us angry at each other or would make us angry. It was hard at first, but helped us reconnect. We also spent a lot of time in bed, and that helped. I hope you continue to "run" trough Hell, there is light at the end. 15701572 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 The truth is I don't care today if she cheats again. Actually I'm just struggling with the "caring" part right now. I'm really not feeling passionate about life, her or really anything right now. I just feel like I don't feel anything. My IC tells me that this is a phase and I'll pass through it. It's a defense mechanism that our minds put up to allow us to cope with the horrors of betrayal and the emotional trauma. I'd like to feel again but it's just not there right now. Definately been there. It didn't last for very long, but I remember it well. Like I didn't give a f--k anymore. Maybe it's just infidelity overload as well. The brain can only take so much thinking about a singular subject that has no real answers. This phase was followed by a longer, more troubling phase of wondering about leaving more for personal reasons than the A itself - not happy with the "man" you have become post trauma. Feeling lost and without an anchor. You may get that soon as well. It too passes. Hang in there VBM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Do you take any antidepressants that may be blocking your ability to "feel" what is real? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 Do you take any antidepressants that may be blocking your ability to "feel" what is real? No, I don't believe in taking any type of prescription drugs. Definately been there. It didn't last for very long, but I remember it well. Like I didn't give a f--k anymore. Maybe it's just infidelity overload as well. The brain can only take so much thinking about a singular subject that has no real answers. This phase was followed by a longer, more troubling phase of wondering about leaving more for personal reasons than the A itself - not happy with the "man" you have become post trauma. Feeling lost and without an anchor. You may get that soon as well. It too passes. Hang in there VBM. I think I'm just "done" putting any more thought into the situation and I'm just trudging forward. I think I see reality I just can't seem to make myself care too much either way. Maybe that's a bad sign for the marriage, I don't know. My IC seems to think it's normal and it will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Ok then, can you work with your therapist to take down those walls that are blocking you from feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I don't know. My IC seems to think it's normal and it will pass. I think it's more than "normal". I think it is in fact a necessary transitional state. There is a lot of literature on how to deal with infidelity, but there isn't much on the process through recovery and reconciliation other than pointers about what to do, what not to do. There is no guide book to the phases you have to pass to get to "the other side" of this. And so I can say only, that having passed through this phase, it will pass, and I too have no interest in substance solutions to internal struggles. If I have a headache, Ill take a tylenol. Hang in there VBM. Im extremely close to taking a permanent vacation from LS, so Ill leave you with my best wishes. I believe your passing through the stages very quickly, more quickly than most, so keep that in mind. My experience with the phase of wanting out and back in - aside from the infidelity - took a very long time to pass, and in fact I had a really hard 6 weeks until last weekend in which I was convinced I was just going to end things and let things settle that way. This dark melancholic desire to just say screw it, will pass too. It has nothing to do with the love and commitment with your spouse. It's completely internal issues with the broken self. Keep yourself busy with your happiness. All the best, Fellini. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I'll suggest that you and your wife find a new hobby that you start up together. You'll be spending lots of time together, learning something new together, and it will give you those bonding emotions and chemicals that might help you overcome the hurdle you currently feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 I'll suggest that you and your wife find a new hobby that you start up together. You'll be spending lots of time together, learning something new together, and it will give you those bonding emotions and chemicals that might help you overcome the hurdle you currently feel. Your the second person that has told me that and I think you are on to something. Trying to come up with something is the hard part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 I think it's more than "normal". I think it is in fact a necessary transitional state. There is a lot of literature on how to deal with infidelity, but there isn't much on the process through recovery and reconciliation other than pointers about what to do, what not to do. There is no guide book to the phases you have to pass to get to "the other side" of this. And so I can say only, that having passed through this phase, it will pass, and I too have no interest in substance solutions to internal struggles. If I have a headache, Ill take a tylenol. Hang in there VBM. Im extremely close to taking a permanent vacation from LS, so Ill leave you with my best wishes. I believe your passing through the stages very quickly, more quickly than most, so keep that in mind. My experience with the phase of wanting out and back in - aside from the infidelity - took a very long time to pass, and in fact I had a really hard 6 weeks until last weekend in which I was convinced I was just going to end things and let things settle that way. This dark melancholic desire to just say screw it, will pass too. It has nothing to do with the love and commitment with your spouse. It's completely internal issues with the broken self. Keep yourself busy with your happiness. All the best, Fellini. Hope you're right about this. I'd hate to go through life feeling dead inside. Good luck to you, hope your life is great! Link to post Share on other sites
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