Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 Ok then, can you work with your therapist to take down those walls that are blocking you from feeling? She has never said I have walls up, she just keeps telling me it will pass and it's just a stage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 She has never said I have walls up, she just keeps telling me it will pass and it's just a stage. This "stage" doesn't just pass - you have to be the person willing to talk honestly about how you feel - what that looks like for you - and how to change the way you feel about it all. It's possible you've stuffed your "feelings" down so deep that you've become emotionally numb now. What can you do to change that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 This "stage" doesn't just pass - you have to be the person willing to talk honestly about how you feel - what that looks like for you - and how to change the way you feel about it all. It's possible you've stuffed your "feelings" down so deep that you've become emotionally numb now. What can you do to change that? I do talk both to my IC and my fWW about how I feel honestly. The problem is that I just don't "feel" right now, there is no feeling to "stuff" down. My IC recommended early on that I "let it all out" and I did. I think I'm just to the point where I don't feel like there is anything else let to "let out" and my IC agrees. I don't feel like I need any more questions answered. I don't feel like I need to vent any anger. I don't feel sad. I still care for my fWW but I don't feel "love" right now. But I also don't feel the need to divorce. My IC seems to think that I will naturally start feeling all the emotions again and she thinks this it a totally normal response to the trauma we go through. Believe me when I say we've talked about this at length because it does concern me. Also prior to this mess I was (in both my personal life and my career) able to deal with emotional situations and emergency's with stone cold ease. I am the cool one when everyone else is running around with their butts on fire. So maybe I've just pulled a page from my personality and that is the way I'm dealing with this. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Your the second person that has told me that and I think you are on to something. Trying to come up with something is the hard part. Here's an easy one. Go to Google, type in the name of your city, and add "day trips from" in front of it, and see where you can go on a weekend day or full weekend, and just start going, at least once a month. It's all about creating NEW memories and experiences that are just for the two of you. Stuff you share. And this one is fairly easy to accomplish. btw, 'not feeling' is your body's way of protecting you from mental pain and anguish. Like a kid who witnesses his parents' murder might blank out for a couple months, so his subconscious can deal with the pain of it and 'place' it somewhere safe; when that's done, it's safe to come out again. That's what your subconscious is doing for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 Here's an easy one. Go to Google, type in the name of your city, and add "day trips from" in front of it, and see where you can go on a weekend day or full weekend, and just start going, at least once a month. It's all about creating NEW memories and experiences that are just for the two of you. Stuff you share. And this one is fairly easy to accomplish. btw, 'not feeling' is your body's way of protecting you from mental pain and anguish. Like a kid who witnesses his parents' murder might blank out for a couple months, so his subconscious can deal with the pain of it and 'place' it somewhere safe; when that's done, it's safe to come out again. That's what your subconscious is doing for you. Trips are a great idea and we have been trying to do just that. DDay was in October and we took a vacation together around thanksgiving. It was in the midst of some terrible times and it was not ALL pleasant but overall it was a success in keeping us together. We are headed out this weekend for a 4 day trip together. I think you're spot on you have to build new memories and learn to reconnect if the reconciliation is to succeed. A monthly trip is not a bad idea just to get away from reality for a while. I think you are right about the mind protecting us by shutting everything down. It's like it knows your emotions have been on overdrive and you need some relief from that. It's a terrible place to be but I think it's needed to allow someone to recover from the trauma. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 auctions are good ones too. you go ahead of time, look at all the stuff in the auction, get some coffee, sit down together, discuss what you want to bid on, get some white elephant to proudly display at home, go out for a nice lunch or supper on the way home. i.e. a nice day out TOGETHER, in a semi structured environment where you can interact politely. And if you chose the right auction, it can have items you BOTH are interested in (estate auctions have a bit of everything in them) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 auctions are good ones too. you go ahead of time, look at all the stuff in the auction, get some coffee, sit down together, discuss what you want to bid on, get some white elephant to proudly display at home, go out for a nice lunch or supper on the way home. i.e. a nice day out TOGETHER, in a semi structured environment where you can interact politely. And if you chose the right auction, it can have items you BOTH are interested in (estate auctions have a bit of everything in them) That is another great idea. We can both be pretty competitive so I might not be able to afford many auctions... lol. But it would create some good memories: "Remember that time we overpaid for that white elephant?" Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 That is another great idea. We can both be pretty competitive so I might not be able to afford many auctions... lol. But it would create some good memories: "Remember that time we overpaid for that white elephant?" It might also give you a way to feel excited about something together, and feel like a team again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 She has never said I have walls up, she just keeps telling me it will pass and it's just a stage. Saying "it will pass, it's just a stage" is pretty much the old "time heals all wounds" philosophy. Time may dull the sharpness of the pain but it won't heal the "dead" feeling inside you. You have to be dedicated to healing and willing to do what you have to do in order to feel alive again. I don't think you are tough enough (I'm not either) so maybe get used to feeling a little empty & hollow about your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sticky Fingers Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Maybe her intentions are to reassure you that you will not be forever haunted. In a way she's right, the emotional part will fade but you will never forget. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Maybe her intentions are to reassure you that you will not be forever haunted. In a way she's right, the emotional part will fade but you will never forget. Forever haunted means that he will never forget. Yeah, emotions may dull but it will sicken/hurt/shame him always. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I think it's more than "normal". I think it is in fact a necessary transitional state. There is a lot of literature on how to deal with infidelity, but there isn't much on the process through recovery and reconciliation other than pointers about what to do, what not to do. There is no guide book to the phases you have to pass to get to "the other side" of this. And so I can say only, that having passed through this phase, it will pass, and I too have no interest in substance solutions to internal struggles. If I have a headache, Ill take a tylenol. Hang in there VBM. Im extremely close to taking a permanent vacation from LS, so Ill leave you with my best wishes. I believe your passing through the stages very quickly, more quickly than most, so keep that in mind. My experience with the phase of wanting out and back in - aside from the infidelity - took a very long time to pass, and in fact I had a really hard 6 weeks until last weekend in which I was convinced I was just going to end things and let things settle that way. This dark melancholic desire to just say screw it, will pass too. It has nothing to do with the love and commitment with your spouse. It's completely internal issues with the broken self. Keep yourself busy with your happiness. All the best, Fellini. Somehow not this or anything else has made me even a little bit hopeful that life will ever be that good again, that completely giving up won't be a serious option every couple of months, that triggers won't just become a way of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Sticky Fingers Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Forever haunted means that he will never forget. Yeah, emotions may dull but it will sicken/hurt/shame him always. Each person is different and while some may never move on, others will without the sick/hurt/shame. It takes commitment though, the kind that people recovering from a tragic accident go through rehabilitation therapy. Just like an affair is a series of choices, so is the commitment by the betrayed spouse to process the affair and come out of it fully healed and possibly better and stronger than before. And sometimes that commitment to recover may include the end of the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 (edited) Each person is different and while some may never move on, others will without the sick/hurt/shame. It takes commitment though, the kind that people recovering from a tragic accident go through rehabilitation therapy. Just like an affair is a series of choices, so is the commitment by the betrayed spouse to process the affair and come out of it fully healed and possibly better and stronger than before. And sometimes that commitment to recover may include the end of the marriage. Yes. And being here reveals something else. It's not an either or decision. Deciding to end the marriage does not exactly solve the problem. It is possible to reconcile, and still feel the pain of the infidelity and be triggered and suffer intrusions. But also deeply love the WS. Just as it is possible to reconcile and still blame the WS, be bitter, and angry, and unable to let go of the feelings against him/her, and thus putting into question if reconciliation was really a good idea. Just as LS shows us that ending the marriage does not necessarily "cure" the bitterness and anger post divorce post infidelity. If someone told me today that divorcing my wife would end the intrusions, I would say, well that may well be true, but it would also end my feelings for my WS. If someone told me that ending my marriage would make me a happy man, I would question this having listened to a select group of BS's who no longer reside with their WS's and who seem not to have moved on very far, other than not sharing a life with a WS. Now this is not saying they shouldn't have divorced - there is no measure of that other than the person who makes that decision, but that is not the same thing as telling me the anger and bitterness will disolve, not immediately, and not, for some, years down the road. If infidelity is not going to be the story of a marriage post DDay, this does not mean that the BS is not going to feel anything, be haunted by memories. If the infidelity is going to be the story that guides the remainder of the marriage, then probably it's time to change the book. Edited May 23, 2015 by fellini 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sticky Fingers Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 You're right, simply committing to divorce or staying married won't automatically start the process of personal recovery for the BS. That is why I said it takes commitment on the part of the BS to get help through therapy in order to start the healing. A remorseful and committed WS can't do this for him/her but he/she can help by keeping him/her on track by motivating him/her just like a work out buddy motivates the other to push him/herself to do the hard exercises. Reconciliation and Recovery are two totally separate things. I believe that the recovery of the BS takes precedence over the marital reconciliation. Trying to do both at the same time can hinder the recovery process of many BS. I suspect that very few BS have this capability. What good is reconciliation if the BS never recovers? Yes. And being here reveals something else. It's not an either or decision. Deciding to end the marriage does not exactly solve the problem. It is possible to reconcile, and still feel the pain of the infidelity and be triggered and suffer intrusions. But also deeply love the WS. Just as it is possible to reconcile and still blame the WS, be bitter, and angry, and unable to let go of the feelings against him/her, and thus putting into question if reconciliation was really a good idea. Just as LS shows us that ending the marriage does not necessarily "cure" the bitterness and anger post divorce post infidelity. If someone told me today that divorcing my wife would end the intrusions, I would say, well that may well be true, but it would also end my feelings for my WS. If someone told me that ending my marriage would make me a happy man, I would question this having listened to a select group of BS's who no longer reside with their WS's and who seem not to have moved on very far, other than not sharing a life with a WS. Now this is not saying they shouldn't have divorced - there is no measure of that other than the person who makes that decision, but that is not the same thing as telling me the anger and bitterness will disolve, not immediately, and not, for some, years down the road. If infidelity is not going to be the story of a marriage post DDay, this does not mean that the BS is not going to feel anything, be haunted by memories. If the infidelity is going to be the story that guides the remainder of the marriage, then probably it's time to change the book. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 You can forgive, still love your spouse deeply, but you will never forget what they did. Your relationship and yourself have changed forever. You will never look at your spouse the same way again. The pain will go in time, but you will not forget it. What lets us who decide to stay and not divorce, is that we love our spouse that we are able to forgive the pain and hurt that they caused, that life with out them would be less. Does not mean that you forget the anger at them for doing this, or not wonder why they did it. I think you stay as long as the good loving time are more then the times you remember what happened to you. As other things happen in a marriage the memory of the betrayal will come back. It will color other marital crisis's, it will make you feel them deeper, and harder as you remember what they did. I think reconciliation is a personal mater. It takes great courage and guts to forgive and keep your marriage and family together. In is not for the faint of hart, and should only be entered into with your eyes wide open and full knowledge of what really happened. 745756 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Each person is different and while some may never move on, others will without the sick/hurt/shame. It takes commitment though, the kind that people recovering from a tragic accident go through rehabilitation therapy. Just like an affair is a series of choices, so is the commitment by the betrayed spouse to process the affair and come out of it fully healed and possibly better and stronger than before. And sometimes that commitment to recover may include the end of the marriage. Are you a BH? Link to post Share on other sites
Sticky Fingers Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Are you a BH? Yes. Technically speaking FBH. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Yes. Technically speaking FBH. Stay or go? Link to post Share on other sites
Sticky Fingers Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Stay or go? I am divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Forever haunted means that he will never forget. Yeah, emotions may dull but it will sicken/hurt/shame him always. Those thoughts will only "sicken/hurt/shame" me if I let them. That is my choice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 VBM, You will never forget, but you do not have to dwell on it. So you are right. I always try and look to what I have now, rather, then keep the anger and pain. 3390 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Those thoughts will only "sicken/hurt/shame" me if I let them. That is my choice. I agree with this. ^^^^ We all have the power to overcome and heal from what life throws our way. We can choose to stay stuck and revisit old wounds daily. Or we can choose to move through the pain and seek healing and forgiveness. Choose to move through or choose to stay in... Glass is half-empty...glass is half-full. Choose healing or choose stagnation. Work on moving to a better place? Don't work to move to a better place? It's up to us to decide where we want to be in life and how we get there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 We took a long road trip over the holiday weekend. Other than a short period on the drive up we avoided talking about the affair. Overall it was a good trip but I'm just not feeling any real joy in what we do right now (with her or anything). It's not that our relationship is strained or awkward, I just don't feel like anything we do is bringing me any happiness. We are both being kind and respectful of each other. She seems to be happy but I don't really know. I know it's still early in the process but the deep feelings are not coming back. I feel like I'm just existing and not looking forward to anything. Maybe I'm afraid to recommit or maybe getting depressed? Need to talk to my IC more about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Seachan Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Healing is very up and down. Hang in there, VBM. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts