Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM, I haven't reviewed the 64 pages and I can't remember, did you ever inform the OM's wife?

 

I did not.

[fellini]

It's just something you refuse to get.

 

Being broken is not synonymous with EATING A SH*T sandwhich.

And you know it. The metaphor, disgusting as it is, has the intention to say that if you continue to live with a woman who cheated on you you will spend the rest of your life eating SH*T. And kissing the cook as a thank you.

 

You do have not the capacity to see things any differently. It's that simple.

 

Not everyone sees the world through your lens. That is a good thing.

 

 

 

And yet here you sit with the title Very Broken Man.

 

How is that not a s@@t sandwich?

 

Not hating on you. But your title, your threads, your words paint a very different story.

[drifter777]

I did not.

Since it's dozen's of pages back, why don't you tell us why you didn't tell her.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Since it's dozen's of pages back, why don't you tell us why you didn't tell her.

 

The guy is a serial cheater on his third marriage do you think that telling his wife does anything to him? She has a right to know but I'm not responsible to his wife or her marriage. But the biggest issue is that this guy has been in and out of prison 4 times. He has a record of assaults and rapes and other criminal charges going back to his teens. He is clearly a person with no remorse or morals and threatened me during that last call several times. I've never been one to back down from a confrontation but clearly using some common sense in this situation was needed. I expect he would do anything to get "revenge" if his wife was told and I'd hate to see my wife hurt in the blow back.

[66Charger]

It's just something you refuse to get.

 

Being broken is not synonymous with EATING A SH*T sandwhich.

And you know it. The metaphor, disgusting as it is, has the intention to say that if you continue to live with a woman who cheated on you you will spend the rest of your life eating SH*T. And kissing the cook as a thank you.

 

You do have not the capacity to see things any differently. It's that simple.

 

Not everyone sees the world through your lens. That is a good thing.

 

Relax bro, I dont expect everyone to see the world the same as I.

Your interpertations of a Sh@t sandwich are your own. You appear to be offended and include a little insult in your post. Dont know why, your name isnt VBM and this is a open forum. Anyway, His recent post do indicate a general unhappiness and a tiredness of it all. If my reading that as a tihs sandwich offends VBM (not you), i withdraw the post and will take my leave. Good day sir.

[oldshirt]

I also can't remember, Did she submit results of STD testing prior to resuming sexual relations with you?

[velvette]

You're right about the emotions. And I'm not sure how well it's working, some days I think I'm fine and then other days it all comes crashing down around me due to the emotions involved. But then I pick myself up and move on and she is none the wiser most of the time. I'm just not going to let myself wallow in misery

 

 

It might help you and your marriage if she were the wiser.

 

 

Have you considered sharing with her more of what you are feeling?

[VeryBrokenMan]

I also can't remember, Did she submit results of STD testing prior to resuming sexual relations with you?

 

The frequency of sex during the affair was our normal of several times a week. And I never felt any distance, unwillingness or lack of enjoyment on her part during that period of time. In fact the only thing that changed was her protectiveness of her phone. She treated me well throughout the affair. And she has told me since that I'm a rock star compared to Mr. Rapist tiny d**k. And I believe her because her intense reactions just cannot be fake every single time and she would not ask for sex and for certain things if she was not enjoying them.

 

I discovered the affair after the second time they had sex and stopped initiating the day I confronted her the first time, 30 or so days days later I gave her the ultimatum. She told me months later that she was so far gone that she did not realize I had stopped initiating. Part of the ultimatum was she had to get a STD test and she had one 3 days later as I recall. I had already decided on divorce prior to that ultimatum in part because I was certain she had unprotected sex and in part because she denied the affair 30 days prior. Her reaction the day of that last ultimatum changed my mind. Had the STD test been positive for her or me (I never had a test and hers was clean) I think I might have still divorced. But she never tried to lie about un-protected sex and immediately scheduled an STD test without a fight. I think the reality that she could have gotten a STD and not known it shocked her right out of the fantasy. After she got a clean bill of health a few days later we went through a hysterical bonding phase where we both wanted sex all the time that lasted months. Sorry about the long answer to a simple question, but it helps me to think about all those ugly details and related it to others.

[VeryBrokenMan]

It might help you and your marriage if she were the wiser.

 

 

Have you considered sharing with her more of what you are feeling?

 

Early on there were many days (probably 4 months straight) that she got the full force of my feelings every day and there have been at least three times that I thought we were done and I had asked her to pack her bags and leave. She never did. My IC told me to let it all out and not hold anything back. If she was going to stay she would and what I said really did not matter. So I let fly and really processed all those emotions early on.

 

What I'm referring to in that post is more recent times where I felt we need to start healing and move on or the alternative was to divorce. So I reached a point where I had let everything out, I was emotionally spent. We had talked about every detail and I had asked every conceivable question. At that point my IC and I decided I needed to start keeping a lot of that emotion to myself and start letting the healing between us gather steam. That really changed the dynamic and did allow us to start moving forward.

[bigman1]

Dude, you need to get a new counselor. Seriously. They have recommended that you rugsweep your feelings. Pretty bad.

 

You have "spared" your wife the reality of your pain and damage due to her actions. So far, you've only talked about anger and letting her have it. Well, here is some shocking news, there are other emotions and triggers that come up. Its not all anger, cursing, and name calling. Sometimes is sadness, tension, fear, and a whole host of other stuff.

 

Let's put what your counselor told you in sentence: VBM, after you rage at your wife for a while, stop sharing your feelings to spare her feelings to help both of you heal. That is STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

 

If you trigger, then you are not healed. It takes years. I'm telling you, get another counselor who is experienced in infidelity.

 

If you don't here is what's gonna happen: First, you are going to feel like you are healing, but in truth, you are just being taught to ignore, bury, and rugsweep your issues caused by her infidelity. Then, its gonna fester. Then you are gonna wonder why you keep feeling the way that you do. Then resentment is gonna build or you are going to become a bitter, resentful man who secretly hates himself for staying. Then you are gonna stay because you have stayed.

 

Dealing with triggers and having her help you with them is part of the process. That is the healing. It does not matter that I may disagree with you reconciling, it is your life. I do think that if you want to succeed, and I truly hope that you do succeed, then you need to do what is likely to lead to success.

[velvette]

Early on there were many days (probably 4 months straight) that she got the full force of my feelings every day and there have been at least three times that I thought we were done and I had asked her to pack her bags and leave. She never did. My IC told me to let it all out and not hold anything back. If she was going to stay she would and what I said really did not matter. So I let fly and really processed all those emotions early on.

 

What I'm referring to in that post is more recent times where I felt we need to start healing and move on or the alternative was to divorce. So I reached a point where I had let everything out, I was emotionally spent. We had talked about every detail and I had asked every conceivable question. At that point my IC and I decided I needed to start keeping a lot of that emotion to myself and start letting the healing between us gather steam. That really changed the dynamic and did allow us to start moving forward.

 

But, now from what you say you are a bit stalled, at least on your side.

 

 

Perhaps, you are taking you counselor too literally and need to revisit this conversation with her. There is a whole wide world between letting it all hang out/dissecting every detail of the affair and letting your wife know you feel sad.

 

 

By not sharing what you are feeling with your wife, you are depriving yourself of comfort she might be able to provide, depriving her of the opportunity to help you heal and depriving your marriage from the intimacy those things create.

 

 

The other thing I notice in your posts is that you repeatedly say you are still 50/50 about divorcing. At some point in R, you need to be all in.

 

 

You always had the option to divorce even before the affair, so putting that option aside is not depriving yourself of any future option.

 

 

At some point, you have to take the same leap of faith you took when you married this woman.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Dude, you need to get a new counselor. Seriously. They have recommended that you rugsweep your feelings. Pretty bad.

 

You have "spared" your wife the reality of your pain and damage due to her actions. So far, you've only talked about anger and letting her have it. Well, here is some shocking news, there are other emotions and triggers that come up. Its not all anger, cursing, and name calling. Sometimes is sadness, tension, fear, and a whole host of other stuff.

 

Let's put what your counselor told you in sentence: VBM, after you rage at your wife for a while, stop sharing your feelings to spare her feelings to help both of you heal. That is STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

 

If you trigger, then you are not healed. It takes years. I'm telling you, get another counselor who is experienced in infidelity.

 

If you don't here is what's gonna happen: First, you are going to feel like you are healing, but in truth, you are just being taught to ignore, bury, and rugsweep your issues caused by her infidelity. Then, its gonna fester. Then you are gonna wonder why you keep feeling the way that you do. Then resentment is gonna build or you are going to become a bitter, resentful man who secretly hates himself for staying. Then you are gonna stay because you have stayed.

 

Dealing with triggers and having her help you with them is part of the process. That is the healing. It does not matter that I may disagree with you reconciling, it is your life. I do think that if you want to succeed, and I truly hope that you do succeed, then you need to do what is likely to lead to success.

 

You have jumped to so many conclusions in that one post that it may not even be worth responding to. My IC is a firm believer in NOT rug sweeping and she never said to not share my feelings. I have no idea where you came up with all that stuff but your off target by a mile.

[VeryBrokenMan]

But, now from what you say you are a bit stalled, at least on your side.

 

 

Perhaps, you are taking you counselor too literally and need to revisit this conversation with her. There is a whole wide world between letting it all hang out/dissecting every detail of the affair and letting your wife know you feel sad.

 

 

By not sharing what you are feeling with your wife, you are depriving yourself of comfort she might be able to provide, depriving her of the opportunity to help you heal and depriving your marriage from the intimacy those things create.

 

 

The other thing I notice in your posts is that you repeatedly say you are still 50/50 about divorcing. At some point in R, you need to be all in.

 

 

You always had the option to divorce even before the affair, so putting that option aside is not depriving yourself of any future option.

 

 

At some point, you have to take the same leap of faith you took when you married this woman.

 

I am all in at the moment and have recommitted. I'm just stating what I think the odds are that we will stay married, not how much I want to stay married. I want to stay married 100% and I'm moving forward with that in mind.

[bigman1]

Maybe I am off by a mile. I can admit that. However, I did not jump to any conclusions. Here is what I read:

 

After talking about your raging, you said: " At that point my IC and I decided I needed to start keeping a lot of that emotion to myself and start letting the healing between us gather steam."

 

Prior to that, you said: "And I'm not sure how well it's working, some days I think I'm fine and then other days it all comes crashing down around me due to the emotions involved. But then I pick myself up and move on and she is none the wiser most of the time. I'm just not going to let myself wallow in misery"

 

regarding exposure, part of your reason was: " if his wife was told and I'd hate to see my wife hurt in the blow back." He never threatened your wife, only you. No need to go into the fact that he had that criminal history when she cheated and called it off.

 

And finally, from a post on another thread where you stated the following: "[...] in my opinion and my IC's (and everything I've read) there can be no moving forward with a marriage and reconciliation without certain things happening. The first demand is no contact with the OM/OW and the second is a zero tolerance policy for lying about anything going forward. A relationship built on lies or avoidance by either spouse is not really a relationship.

 

I am not sure how keeping feelings to yourself helps. It is avoidance or "rug sweeping". I get the fact that you can't let every conversation be about the affair and how hurt you were, BUT if you are feeling hurt or whatever, then keeping it to yourself is not healthy. Eventually, it gets better, so I hear.

 

So while you might not think my post was worth replying to and was off by a mile, I can only say that I reached those positions from your words. Is there more to the story, sure. I doubt that you have shared everything with the forum. Still, my point was not based on what you have not shared, but on what you have.

 

Good luck to you.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Maybe I am off by a mile. I can admit that. However, I did not jump to any conclusions. Here is what I read:

 

After talking about your raging, you said: " At that point my IC and I decided I needed to start keeping a lot of that emotion to myself and start letting the healing between us gather steam."

 

Prior to that, you said: "And I'm not sure how well it's working, some days I think I'm fine and then other days it all comes crashing down around me due to the emotions involved. But then I pick myself up and move on and she is none the wiser most of the time. I'm just not going to let myself wallow in misery"

 

regarding exposure, part of your reason was: " if his wife was told and I'd hate to see my wife hurt in the blow back." He never threatened your wife, only you. No need to go into the fact that he had that criminal history when she cheated and called it off.

 

And finally, from a post on another thread where you stated the following: "[...] in my opinion and my IC's (and everything I've read) there can be no moving forward with a marriage and reconciliation without certain things happening. The first demand is no contact with the OM/OW and the second is a zero tolerance policy for lying about anything going forward. A relationship built on lies or avoidance by either spouse is not really a relationship.

 

I am not sure how keeping feelings to yourself helps. It is avoidance or "rug sweeping". I get the fact that you can't let every conversation be about the affair and how hurt you were, BUT if you are feeling hurt or whatever, then keeping it to yourself is not healthy. Eventually, it gets better, so I hear.

 

So while you might not think my post was worth replying to and was off by a mile, I can only say that I reached those positions from your words. Is there more to the story, sure. I doubt that you have shared everything with the forum. Still, my point was not based on what you have not shared, but on what you have.

 

Good luck to you.

 

What I was trying to relay and probably did a poor job of saying is that the "intense blame/anger/sadness" that I was letting out before HAD to come to an end. That is not rug-sweeping, that is just getting control of ones emotions and dealing with it. We still talk, she knows I'm angry and sad but she is not getting the intense emotions nor should she at this point in reconciliation. At some point you have to decide to move forward and try to make a go of the marriage or you have to divorce. I chose to make a go of it and in that process is learning how to deal with the emotions you feel in constructive ways.

 

We still talk about the affair but far less frequently and we are certainly not avoiding it and I'm not lying about how I feel. I said she is none the wiser when I'm feeling intense emotions but after thinking about it she senses when I'm down or angry and I don't have to say anything. She just goes into comfort mode, sits on my lap, hugs me or just tells me she is sorry I'm in pain. She has also learned to distract me with something else. I know she is doing that and she knows I know she is doing it and it does work to let me move past those emotions. She is totally into what I need at any given moment and says that is not ever going to change.

 

Thanks for your input, sometimes emotions are raw here.

[eric1]

You're trying to be happy and doing a damn ok job at doing so. That's better than most people, infidelity or not. You're doing a great job man.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I've been doing really some deep thinking the past few months and I've had a lot of time lately just to reflect on life, affairs and everything that's been going on. The deep thinking is nothing new but the subject matter that I've been thinking about certainly is. I have come to the conclusion that I'm like most men who get comfortable with their wife and relationship and I just started coasting at some point. But those thoughts led me down another path about why I seem to be able to recover quickly from the tragedy that is an affair and why so many others seem to struggle so hard.

 

I think it comes down to the fact that I believe that my wife has value in my life and I never really doubted that. She is worthy of my love and not beneath consideration, or worthless, or deserving scorn. In other words I have no contempt for her. I see her as a kind and decent person that made some really horrible choices. I had to be able to see through all the hurt and pain and believe that in her heart she did not want to be that despicable person that she had become. In a way I've allowed her to leave that ugliness behind and to show me she is not that vile human being.

 

We had a really deep conversation this weekend without emotion and shared some deep feeling we have about the affair, our love and life. She stressed that she want's me to be really happy no matter what and if that means I have to leave her she is fully on board. She told me she really wants to remain married and to grow old as a couple. She also told me that she will always be in my life as my best friend regardless of what happens and she refuses to feel angry at me if I choose to separate. She said she understands if I need to and will fully support that. In my mind that type thinking is putting me and my happiness in front of her own and that tells me that she is that kind and decent human being that I married. But none of that would or could have happened had I not seen the value in her as a person. I allowed her to get to that place by letting her know she was not the worthless person she had become and she was better than a cheating whore. I "expected" more from her on dday and I got it.

 

Also I think that in all my anger I never once called her any derogatory names that she deserved. I left that to her to label herself and at times she did call herself a "cheating whore" and many other choice names. But she never heard any of those type comments from me and she asked me about that this weekend. I told her that I knew she was none of those things and she had to find as much value in herself as I did. I've come to beleive that when a woman cheats they are trying to run away from the person they have become not from their spouse. She hated what her life had become and wanted to find meaning. I'm certain she was looking in the wrong place and I think she knows that now more than anything.

 

So at this point just 8 months past dday the best advise I can give someone that is struggling with their spouses infidelity is to set expectations early on, find value in them, treat them fairly and as kindly as you can given the circumstances and see if they respond. If they don't then move on knowing you've done your part.

 

The last piece of advise I'd like to offer is that life is really way too short to get bogged down in years of misery over a personal relationship. You simply have to pick yourself up off the ground CHOOSE to move forward and CHOOSE to be happy. My IC told me many months ago that happiness is an action. That love is an action. That reconciliation is an action. It does not happen in a vacuum and you have to WANT it.

 

I don't have all the answers yet but I know what the wrong answer is. The wrong answer for me was to live in misery for even a minute longer than I had too. It's not happiness and smiles every day and all day but I plan to get back their as quickly as I can. I will deal with this and I will not be angry and sad for much longer. I woke up to a beautiful day lying next to a beautiful woman this morning and she smiled at me, snuggled in and told me good morning love. And she did not stop there and I ended up being an hour late. I'll accept her love going forward, trust in her, value her, rather than focus on the past and that is what you have to do to reconcile.

[RightThere]

Glad to hear.

 

You need to do what is right for you. Believe me that many people will have different opinions on what is good for you. But no one has the power to decide anything for you or make you happy. That needs to be driven by you.

 

Despite what happens, I'm glad to see you are working on reconciliation. Not a popular saying, but divorce is easier that it has ever been after infidelity. Trying to fix things and build a new relationship is hard eff'in work.

 

No one knows where this will end or where it will go. But at least it will be on your terms.

 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

[66Charger]

The main reason I started reading LS was to look for stories of redemption.

 

I need to believe that beyond the pain, remorse and reconcilliations, a person can actually redeem AND perhaps forgive themselves. I am not a cheater, but I am living with the aftermath of her selfinflicted injuries.

 

So VBM, Do you believe your wife has redeemed herself?

Do you believe that deep down she truly knows herself now?

 

You do not have to respond to me directly, but what are your thoughts on surpassing the remorse and acheiving redemption?

Edited June 9, 2015 by 66Charger

[drifter777]

The main reason I started reading LS was to look for stories of redemption.

 

I need to believe that beyond the pain, remorse and reconcilliations, a person can actually redeem AND perhaps forgive themselves. I am not a cheater, but I am living with the aftermath of her selfinflicted injuries.

 

So VBM, Do you believe your wife has redeemed herself?

Do you believe that deep down she truly knows herself now?

 

You do not have to respond to me directly, but what are your thoughts on surpassing the remorse and acheiving redemption?

It doesn't matter whether its true - it only matters that he believes. Same for you. Its like - do you want the truth or do you want to be happy? It might not always be possible to have both.

[understand50]

It doesn't matter whether its true - it only matters that he believes. Same for you. Its like - do you want the truth or do you want to be happy? It might not always be possible to have both.

 

Right, It is VBM decision. If he believes his wife is remorseful, and if he believes that it is the right move to reconcile, then he will. Good luck to them both.

 

 

In a life mistakes are made. We have an example of a spouse with a long term affair in " Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years " She has deceived for 15 years, had 2 children with the OM. I do not see how anyone man, can forgive that and reconcile. VBM's wife, slipped and fell into something ugly for a short time. I do think when we read about different stories, I think we at LS need to keep in mind the type and length of the "crime" so to speak. Not all infidelities are equal. Some infidelities can be forgiven, not forgotten, but a "new" relationship can be made. It is up to the BS to do what is best for them, we can only support, ask questions, give advise, and give examples.

 

Finally, I think we should give VBM's wife some credit. She did everything "right" after the affair to show she was remorseful, open to giving all the details VBM needed, or wanted, and did what everyone at LS said a WS should do. In all things in a marriage, it does take two to tango. Reconciliation is a two person job, looks like she holding up her part. So bravo to her.

 

VBM, and his lady, do not know the future for their marriage, but I hope they have a chance to stay together. The affair will be spoken less and less, but will always be there, ready to pop out when something else happens. Be ready. There will always be a flaw in your history together, but that does not have to define the marriage as a whole, unless you both let it. In the end it is up to you both to make the new relationship. You both will not know if it will be better, but I think it will be stronger.

 

Good Luck and god speed to you both.

 

PS: Can we have a "name" for your wife. Should not be her real one, but Jane? Jill? Mary? I would like to think of her more as a human being then just a "thing".

832834

[VeryBrokenMan]

Right, It is VBM decision. If he believes his wife is remorseful, and if he believes that it is the right move to reconcile, then he will. Good luck to them both.

 

 

In a life mistakes are made. We have an example of a spouse with a long term affair in " Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years " She has deceived for 15 years, had 2 children with the OM. I do not see how anyone man, can forgive that and reconcile. VBM's wife, slipped and fell into something ugly for a short time. I do think when we read about different stories, I think we at LS need to keep in mind the type and length of the "crime" so to speak. Not all infidelities are equal. Some infidelities can be forgiven, not forgotten, but a "new" relationship can be made. It is up to the BS to do what is best for them, we can only support, ask questions, give advise, and give examples.

 

Finally, I think we should give VBM's wife some credit. She did everything "right" after the affair to show she was remorseful, open to giving all the details VBM needed, or wanted, and did what everyone at LS said a WS should do. In all things in a marriage, it does take two to tango. Reconciliation is a two person job, looks like she holding up her part. So bravo to her.

 

VBM, and his lady, do not know the future for their marriage, but I hope they have a chance to stay together. The affair will be spoken less and less, but will always be there, ready to pop out when something else happens. Be ready. There will always be a flaw in your history together, but that does not have to define the marriage as a whole, unless you both let it. In the end it is up to you both to make the new relationship. You both will not know if it will be better, but I think it will be stronger.

 

Good Luck and god speed to you both.

 

PS: Can we have a "name" for your wife. Should not be her real one, but Jane? Jill? Mary? I would like to think of her more as a human being then just a "thing".

832834

 

You're right to a point about the length of the crime but as others have pointed out to me in the past few months when does cheating become unforgivable? Had it been 6 months or a year would I still be able to forgive her and move on? My feeling is that I might not be able to but until any of us are looking down the barral of a gun we are all talk. I know I always said I'd be gone if she ever cheated on me so clearly it's all talk until it's real and in your face. There are a lot of stories here on LS where there have been multiple affairs and the BS is still with their cheater. I just wonder if the ability to cheat multiple times is just like the ability to forgive multiple times. Regardless the first time seems to me to be the hardest and after that I don't see how one would be surprised by such terrible behavior and maybe even as hurt. I don't know and I hope I never experience it.

 

I do have to give my WW credit for a lot of things since the affair. But as I said in my post yesterday I believe that I did a lot of things right as well to allow her to get to that place. I think many men go in guns blazing with a scorched earth policy and probably most of those marriages don't survive. I remember early on my IC asked me to describe my wife prior to the affair and I described her in glowing terms. After my description she told me that while my wife did a horrible thing she was still the sensitive and tender women that needed to be treated as a woman and I needed to keep that in mind as we muddled through this. I could voice me anger but it had to be with the goal of not damaging the relationship even further. She said if I treated my WW with disdain and hate she would mirror that to protect herself. She stressed that I needed to let all the emotions out but to focus on what we had before not what she had done as I moved forward.

 

My wife's name is Ann. Thanks for your input.

[VeryBrokenMan]

It doesn't matter whether its true - it only matters that he believes. Same for you. Its like - do you want the truth or do you want to be happy? It might not always be possible to have both.

 

I think it is completely possible to have both or at least for me it is. You have to accept the ugly truth AND choose to be happy regardless of knowing that truth. If you choose to be unhappy then you will more than likely be unhappy regardless of staying together or divorcing. I can also focus not just on her for my happiness but I can be grateful for my health and all that is good in my life. That is healthy as we move forward especially given the fact that many cheaters cheat again. I feel now it will be almost a non-event should she cheat again. Our life together will be over and I'll still have my health and all the other things that make life worth living.

[understand50]

You're right to a point about the length of the crime but as others have pointed out to me in the past few months when does cheating become unforgivable? Had it been 6 months or a year would I still be able to forgive her and move on? My feeling is that I might not be able to but until any of us are looking down the barral of a gun we are all talk. I know I always said I'd be gone if she ever cheated on me so clearly it's all talk until it's real and in your face. There are a lot of stories here on LS where there have been multiple affairs and the BS is still with their cheater. I just wonder if the ability to cheat multiple times is just like the ability to forgive multiple times. Regardless the first time seems to me to be the hardest and after that I don't see how one would be surprised by such terrible behavior and maybe even as hurt. I don't know and I hope I never experience it.

 

I do have to give my WW credit for a lot of things since the affair. But as I said in my post yesterday I believe that I did a lot of things right as well to allow her to get to that place. I think many men go in guns blazing with a scorched earth policy and probably most of those marriages don't survive. I remember early on my IC asked me to describe my wife prior to the affair and I described her in glowing terms. After my description she told me that while my wife did a horrible thing she was still the sensitive and tender women that needed to be treated as a woman and I needed to keep that in mind as we muddled through this. I could voice me anger but it had to be with the goal of not damaging the relationship even further. She said if I treated my WW with disdain and hate she would mirror that to protect herself. She stressed that I needed to let all the emotions out but to focus on what we had before not what she had done as I moved forward.

 

My wife's name is Ann. Thanks for your input.

 

VBM,

 

Yes you did, and I for one think you are doing a good job. I just wanted to state that Ann's part helped as well. I think, that sometime, the folks on LS lose sight of both sides of the question, and tend to assume things about the BS and WW. We also tend to objectify the WS, into something less that a real human being. We forget, that for many years, she was your wife, lover, and mother of your children. I think that when both really sides work for reconciliation, it can happen. Looks like it working for you.

 

Also, from your last post, I am all for knowing every detail of what happened, as how can you really forgive and reconcile if you do not know what you are forgiving? After that, and the minds made up, you can find happiness if you want to.

 

1384

[VeryBrokenMan]

The main reason I started reading LS was to look for stories of redemption.

 

I need to believe that beyond the pain, remorse and reconcilliations, a person can actually redeem AND perhaps forgive themselves. I am not a cheater, but I am living with the aftermath of her selfinflicted injuries.

 

So VBM, Do you believe your wife has redeemed herself?

Do you believe that deep down she truly knows herself now?

 

You do not have to respond to me directly, but what are your thoughts on surpassing the remorse and acheiving redemption?

 

I believe that she is redeeming herself but I think it's going to be a life-long process. The thinking that led to the affair was not something new, that selfishness where I was concerned has been there for most of our marriage. I just never saw it as more than her personality and I accepted it. But now that we both know differently going forward she has to put me first (and I have to put her first) in everything from this point on. That was something I decided early on after talking at length with my IC about how she treated me. Clearly all the selfish thinking she has done in the past had to end for us to move forward and that is part of redemption. Her recognizing the affair was not about US at all but how broken she was was a huge step in the right direction and without it the relationship was DOA.

 

Had she dug in her heels like a lot of stories here and continued to blame me and our relationship for her cheating I think we would be divorced. But she was able to look at herself in a harsh light and she did not like what she saw one bit. And she is working hard to change herself one day at a time. She feels so stupid that she never saw how badly she behaved where I was concerned and blamed me for everything. She told me just the other day that she sees now that I "got the worst of her" for our entire marriage and she is thankful I stuck around. She has also said that she has a new found respect for just how good and decent a human being I am. That is not something you just admit to anyone unless you really feel like you f&*ked up and have been wrong for a long time. None of us likes to eat crow.

 

Since she has been able to look at her actions and see the reality of what she was (and is) and I do think she knows herself much better now.Many women cannot get there and stay stuck in the mode of blaming their husbands and refusing to take any responsibility for their own behavior. I think I know her now better than ever as well. And I know myself better now and realize that I'm a really good guy and always have been. I was down on myself for a lot of years thinking I was not doing enough in the relationship because that was what she always told me but as it turns out I was not only more committed and trying much harder but for most of our marriage I was doing things right and she was the bad guy. That makes me feel pretty good about myself.

 

Change happened once I pointed out all those selfish and self centered things. We talked about them and she talked to her IC about it at length and her IC confirmed them. She really has been a changed woman since. She hates herself now for acting like that, she hates that she layed all our relationship issues at my doorstep never taking a single morsel of responsibility for them. She acknowledges that she has been a horrible person our entire marriage and has asked me to forgive her for many things that she has done. The reason that those things are so easy for me to forgive is that many times neither one of us recognized them as problems or really issues in our marriage. I just thought that all women were like that and just dealt with it. How many husbands just put up with s&*t because they think they married bitches but all the other benefits made it worth it? I guess that was me before but that ended 8 months ago.