Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM,

 

Yes you did, and I for one think you are doing a good job. I just wanted to state that Ann's part helped as well. I think, that sometime, the folks on LS lose sight of both sides of the question, and tend to assume things about the BS and WW. We also tend to objectify the WS, into something less that a real human being. We forget, that for many years, she was your wife, lover, and mother of your children. I think that when both really sides work for reconciliation, it can happen. Looks like it working for you.

 

Also, from your last post, I am all for knowing every detail of what happened, as how can you really forgive and reconcile if you do not know what you are forgiving? After that, and the minds made up, you can find happiness if you want to.

 

1384

 

Thanks.

 

She was a great mother and a great friend to a lot of people. But she took me and US for granted and she is working on that so I can see her as decent and someone I want to be with.

 

I'm certainly in the full disclosure camp. The sex part especially because reality was nothing like what I'd imagined. But I can see where details are a two edged sword, had the sex been passionate and something she really enjoyed I might have different thoughts and we might be divorced. There are so many things that went right for us in all this, anything could have derailed things but so far none have and we are moving forward a day at a time.

[drifter777]

I think it is completely possible to have both or at least for me it is. You have to accept the ugly truth AND choose to be happy regardless of knowing that truth. If you choose to be unhappy then you will more than likely be unhappy regardless of staying together or divorcing. I can also focus not just on her for my happiness but I can be grateful for my health and all that is good in my life. That is healthy as we move forward especially given the fact that many cheaters cheat again. I feel now it will be almost a non-event should she cheat again. Our life together will be over and I'll still have my health and all the other things that make life worth living.

Nobody makes this choice. Nobody. That doesn't mean that some people can't have both the truth and be happy - it's just not the case for many BS's. The damage done to BS by the betrayal of infidelity is not equal for all. We all have different life experiences that shape our thinking and our reactions to betrayal by our SO. I hope you can understand - or at least accept - that many BS's live with their WS by compartmentalizing the cheating and working to have a satisfying relationship in other areas of life. Those feelings pop up from that compartment when something triggers it and the BS goes through the range of horrible emotions all over again. They usually suffer in silence because they are able to stuff it into the back of their minds more quickly if they just work to swallow it again. For these BS's there are periods that they feel resentment - even hatred - toward their WS. This is not a choice, it's a typical reaction in people suffering from PTSD.

 

Just because you don't have this problem - at least so far - it doesn't mean you've somehow discovered the secret to getting over being cheated on. It means you've found something that works for you.

[66Charger]

I think I will share your story with my woman. She wants to get married, but I do not want to marry a Very Broken Woman. I want her to redeem herself to herself so that it isn't eating her everyday and therefore affecting us. She has been in the remorse stage for too long and I don't want this to be a daily part of my life. (The shot sandwich post)

 

Very few stories of redemption on the way wards side. Mostly more pining, broken NC, and doubt even after the bs stayed. Most appear to stay broken.

 

That's why I follow your story. Trying to see when, how and why you will no longer be a very broken man.

 

Thanks and regards to the wife

Edited June 9, 2015 by 66Charger

[Rainbowlove]

 

Very few stories of redemption on the way wards side. Mostly more pining, broken NC, and doubt even after the bs stayed. Most appear to stay broken.

 

 

It's very hard to be a WS on this forum - you get beaten up with every little thing you say by the bitter, angry and resentful BS.

 

In some shape or form, every WS who chooses to open their mouth here is viewed as everyone's WS and gets the brunt of whatever left over PTSD those BS's have...

 

It's not surprising to me that after a while, the WS (even those with successful reconciliations) voices eventually go silent.

 

I very rarely come here anymore...b/c the ugliness presented stunts growth on all levels...even for those BS who refuse to move forward...they remain STUCK.

 

Keep moving forward, VBM.

[drifter777]

It's very hard to be a WS on this forum - you get beaten up with every little thing you say by the bitter, angry and resentful BS.

 

In some shape or form, every WS who chooses to open their mouth here is viewed as everyone's WS and gets the brunt of whatever left over PTSD those BS's have...

 

It's not surprising to me that after a while, the WS (even those with successful reconciliations) voices eventually go silent.

 

I very rarely come here anymore...b/c the ugliness presented stunts growth on all levels...even for those BS who refuse to move forward...they remain STUCK.

 

Keep moving forward, VBM.

 

This is true - in general. In my experience on this forum the attacks on WW's - in particular - usually come when she posts something that triggers many BH's. Things that boil down to "when is he just going to get over it?" draw a very negative response. That kind of question is the root of failed/failing attempts at R. It reveals that she doesn't understand the depth of his hurt and, worse yet, isn't trying to see things from his point of view. So when you say that many BS's here "refuse to move forward" and choose to remain "stuck" I read "God - can't they just get over it already?" Instant trigger.

[understand50]

It's very hard to be a WS on this forum - you get beaten up with every little thing you say by the bitter, angry and resentful BS.

 

In some shape or form, every WS who chooses to open their mouth here is viewed as everyone's WS and gets the brunt of whatever left over PTSD those BS's have...

 

It's not surprising to me that after a while, the WS (even those with successful reconciliations) voices eventually go silent.

 

I very rarely come here anymore...b/c the ugliness presented stunts growth on all levels...even for those BS who refuse to move forward...they remain STUCK.

 

Keep moving forward, VBM.

 

 

Thing is, Love Shack, only works if many opinions and experiences are brought forward and shared. The divorce for anything, to the reconcile at all costs, and everyone in between crowds. Your viewpoint, is valid, and I hope you put your 2 cents in when you think it can be of use.

1969

[beatcuff]

Nobody makes this choice. Nobody.

 

that's just not true. YOU can decide to be positive, to move forward, to ---- accept failure.

 

maybe its because i am in sales (indirectly) and coach (ice hockey). failure is a constant. its always there. and it is the greatest teacher. just because i go on a winning streak does not mean 'i found the secret'. and a loss does not mean all is lost. instead it causes me to reflect on ALL ANGLES, adjust and move forward. those that ignore failure lose a huge opportunity to learn. in fact failure has taught me to reflect even on the wins, to be constantly improving.

 

its so sad reading BS saying A is the problem. it is not. it is the symptom. something was wrong before the A. by looking at all angles (and that means our role) only then can a true picture be rendered.

 

instead its all WS fault. no wonder R is bound to fail. it ignores that basic rule that nothing is 100%. so BS dumps their insecurities onto WS. initially WS accepts them (for various reasons including: guilt, fear of failure, hope things will change), then at some point WS realize M is even worse than before and move on (a/k/a 'get over it').

 

more importantly: seriously have you seen the alternative: no cheating, W leaves, next month has new BF. is that any better? now there is no potential for R and you are left not knowing what 'really' happened.

 

fine you move on --- but continue to carry the baggage of the past: "i will never trust again" or "trust but verify". that is a poor solution. a negative solution.

 

a team is a reflection of their coach. being angry/negative results in a team that easily becomes frustrated and quick to point blame elsewhere. being positive results in a team that looks for ways to overcome and even in a loss sees something to build on for the next game.

 

it seems so easy. but negatively appears to be ingrained in our being, so to be positive especially in the face of a difficult challenge requires enormous amounts of energy.

 

try this simple old sales trick: smile when talking. it is EXTREMELY difficult 'show' anger when smiling, try it.

 

it is obvious that VBM has done some serious internal reflection. it is great he found HIS secret. i think he hopes his story will inspire others to find THEIR secret.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Nobody makes this choice. Nobody. That doesn't mean that some people can't have both the truth and be happy - it's just not the case for many BS's. The damage done to BS by the betrayal of infidelity is not equal for all. We all have different life experiences that shape our thinking and our reactions to betrayal by our SO. I hope you can understand - or at least accept - that many BS's live with their WS by compartmentalizing the cheating and working to have a satisfying relationship in other areas of life. Those feelings pop up from that compartment when something triggers it and the BS goes through the range of horrible emotions all over again. They usually suffer in silence because they are able to stuff it into the back of their minds more quickly if they just work to swallow it again. For these BS's there are periods that they feel resentment - even hatred - toward their WS. This is not a choice, it's a typical reaction in people suffering from PTSD.

 

Just because you don't have this problem - at least so far - it doesn't mean you've somehow discovered the secret to getting over being cheated on. It means you've found something that works for you.

 

I'm never going to convince you that happiness is a choice, I get that. I think it's a much harder path than the alternative but it is possible to make that choice, change your thinking and move forward in a positive manner. The approach works for me and it can work for others as I'm nothing special, maybe I'm unique but I really don't think I am. I think I may just be too stubborn to live with this hanging over me for any length of time. So call it what you want but I'm choosing to move forward with the life I want free from all the hurt and pain of her actions.

[VeryBrokenMan]

that's just not true. YOU can decide to be positive, to move forward, to ---- accept failure.

 

maybe its because i am in sales (indirectly) and coach (ice hockey). failure is a constant. its always there. and it is the greatest teacher. just because i go on a winning streak does not mean 'i found the secret'. and a loss does not mean all is lost. instead it causes me to reflect on ALL ANGLES, adjust and move forward. those that ignore failure lose a huge opportunity to learn. in fact failure has taught me to reflect even on the wins, to be constantly improving.

 

its so sad reading BS saying A is the problem. it is not. it is the symptom. something was wrong before the A. by looking at all angles (and that means our role) only then can a true picture be rendered.

 

instead its all WS fault. no wonder R is bound to fail. it ignores that basic rule that nothing is 100%. so BS dumps their insecurities onto WS. initially WS accepts them (for various reasons including: guilt, fear of failure, hope things will change), then at some point WS realize M is even worse than before and move on (a/k/a 'get over it').

 

more importantly: seriously have you seen the alternative: no cheating, W leaves, next month has new BF. is that any better? now there is no potential for R and you are left not knowing what 'really' happened.

 

fine you move on --- but continue to carry the baggage of the past: "i will never trust again" or "trust but verify". that is a poor solution. a negative solution.

 

a team is a reflection of their coach. being angry/negative results in a team that easily becomes frustrated and quick to point blame elsewhere. being positive results in a team that looks for ways to overcome and even in a loss sees something to build on for the next game.

 

it seems so easy. but negatively appears to be ingrained in our being, so to be positive especially in the face of a difficult challenge requires enormous amounts of energy.

 

try this simple old sales trick: smile when talking. it is EXTREMELY difficult 'show' anger when smiling, try it.

 

it is obvious that VBM has done some serious internal reflection. it is great he found HIS secret. i think he hopes his story will inspire others to find THEIR secret.

 

I was a successful amateur athlete in my younger years and a lot of what you say is ingrained in me. I was fortunate to have a really great coach that was instrumental in that success. He was always talking about losing. He said that there is no such thing as a loss when you look at them as learning experiences. He always said great good can come from great loses. A loss teaches you how to win the next time if you dedicate yourself to finding the reason for the loss and using that loss to motivate you in preparing for the next win. He was also a great believer in positive thinking and attitude. That positive thinking really stuck with me as I grew older and maybe that is the key to allowing me to move forward.

 

I'm still here because it helps to write out my thoughts. If in helping myself that process helps someone else then that's a bonus. Maybe someday even Drifter might be able to take a sliver of something I say and use it to dig out of the hole and find peace. That would be a real bonus and I hope he and others here are able to do just that. No one deserves to cheated on and live with that horror for the rest of their time on this earth.

[RightThere]

Nobody makes this choice. Nobody.

 

Drifter, most here know your story and this is not a shot at you at all. But people definitely make the decision to be unhappy. And that is for any number of reasons, be it laziness, fear, self sacrifice, whatever.

 

I'm not pointing a finger anywhere, but people often (not always) make a choice to be unhappy.

[fellini]

Drifter, most here know your story and this is not a shot at you at all. But people definitely make the decision to be unhappy. And that is for any number of reasons, be it laziness, fear, self sacrifice, whatever.

 

I'm not pointing a finger anywhere, but people often (not always) make a choice to be unhappy.

 

I'd say what is more common is people choose not to avoid being unhappy. This is to say they don't necessarily pursue it, it is that that do not actively reject it, or they submit to it, or they can act in ways to not avoid it.

 

I think to that happiness is not a binary number. You can have happiness in your life at the same time you have unhappiness. You can live in contradiction with both states. Infidelity is a clear source of this complexity we call happiness.

Edited June 10, 2015 by fellini

[drifter777]

that's just not true. YOU can decide to be positive, to move forward, to ---- accept failure.

 

maybe its because i am in sales (indirectly) and coach (ice hockey). failure is a constant. its always there. and it is the greatest teacher. just because i go on a winning streak does not mean 'i found the secret'. and a loss does not mean all is lost. instead it causes me to reflect on ALL ANGLES, adjust and move forward. those that ignore failure lose a huge opportunity to learn. in fact failure has taught me to reflect even on the wins, to be constantly improving.

 

its so sad reading BS saying A is the problem. it is not. it is the symptom. something was wrong before the A. by looking at all angles (and that means our role) only then can a true picture be rendered.

 

instead its all WS fault. no wonder R is bound to fail. it ignores that basic rule that nothing is 100%. so BS dumps their insecurities onto WS. initially WS accepts them (for various reasons including: guilt, fear of failure, hope things will change), then at some point WS realize M is even worse than before and move on (a/k/a 'get over it').

 

more importantly: seriously have you seen the alternative: no cheating, W leaves, next month has new BF. is that any better? now there is no potential for R and you are left not knowing what 'really' happened.

 

fine you move on --- but continue to carry the baggage of the past: "i will never trust again" or "trust but verify". that is a poor solution. a negative solution.

 

a team is a reflection of their coach. being angry/negative results in a team that easily becomes frustrated and quick to point blame elsewhere. being positive results in a team that looks for ways to overcome and even in a loss sees something to build on for the next game.

 

it seems so easy. but negatively appears to be ingrained in our being, so to be positive especially in the face of a difficult challenge requires enormous amounts of energy.

 

try this simple old sales trick: smile when talking. it is EXTREMELY difficult 'show' anger when smiling, try it.

 

it is obvious that VBM has done some serious internal reflection. it is great he found HIS secret. i think he hopes his story will inspire others to find THEIR secret.

I resent you comparing coaching a youth team or drawing parallels with sales approaches to the PTSD that many BS's suffer after D-day. Hey, if you don't understand then fine - you never will. But don't throw out some bumper-sticker phrases and tell us to get over it like your talking to your kids after a loss. It's insulting.

[drifter777]

I'm never going to convince you that happiness is a choice, I get that. I think it's a much harder path than the alternative but it is possible to make that choice, change your thinking and move forward in a positive manner. The approach works for me and it can work for others as I'm nothing special, maybe I'm unique but I really don't think I am. I think I may just be too stubborn to live with this hanging over me for any length of time. So call it what you want but I'm choosing to move forward with the life I want free from all the hurt and pain of her actions.

Thank you acknowledging that maybe your philosophy doesn't work for everyone. I wish you nothing but the best and hope you don't relapse with all of this down the road like so many others do.

[Hope Shimmers]

So when you say that many BS's here "refuse to move forward" and choose to remain "stuck" I read "God - can't they just get over it already?" Instant trigger.

 

This is not even REMOTELY what rainbowlove said. It is insulting that you would put words in her mouth and infer that she meant something so negative when she clearly didn't.

 

You have a chip on your shoulder and a grudge against the world bigger than Texas. Everything you say and post is negative.

 

Yes, you can 'decide' not to be unhappy. It's in the actions you take. In my case, I refuse to wallow in unhappiness but to do that, I recognize that I cannot be vulnerable to men anymore - or at least not to any men that I have met or been involved with so far in my life. I'm hopeful that I will meet one someday that will allow me to be that, and won't fling it back in my face.

 

VBM made the decision not to wallow in unhappiness over something he can't change. Yes, it is up to her now to determine whether or not that was the right decision, but he seems to have a grip on reality and realizes that he can live without her if need be - if his decision doesn't pan out. At least HE made a decision to DO something about his unhappiness rather than just endlessly marinade in it.

[Spectre]

So wait, you let her betray you like this and then you stayed with her? Because she claimed the sex wasn't good? So many things that went right for you? You mean, so many things about her affair that went right for you?

 

So not only does she cheat and you forgive her, but here you sit uttering sentences like "so many things went right for us in all this" in reference to an affair. That is absolutely depressing, not only that she got away with it, but that THIS is what she reduced you to. She won, you lost..and you lost majorly. I need to go look at a picture of a puppy or something to counteract this.

Edited June 10, 2015 by Spectre

[the_artist_1970]

So wait, you let her betray you like this and then you stayed with her? Because she claimed the sex wasn't good? So many things that went right for you? You mean, so many things about her affair that went right for you?

 

So not only does she cheat and you forgive her, but here you sit uttering sentences like "so many things went right for us in all this" in reference to an affair. That is absolutely depressing, not only that she got away with it, but that THIS is what she reduced you to. She won, you lost..and you lost majorly. I need to go look at a picture of a puppy or something to counteract this.

 

There are no winners or losers in the A game. Everyone suffers. What he is saying is that he weighed the many years of having a good W and mother to his children against a really bad choice that his W made to have an A. The scales didn't balance for him. He, like me, knew his spouse for MANY years and had a great M and he decided to rebuild the crumble walls after his wife's A. The aftermath of an A is confusing, very painful and mind boggling, but those of us who have made it to the other side and our WS has proven to be someone we can forgive understand him.

[autumnnight]

So wait, you let her betray you like this and then you stayed with her? Because she claimed the sex wasn't good? So many things that went right for you? You mean, so many things about her affair that went right for you?

 

So not only does she cheat and you forgive her, but here you sit uttering sentences like "so many things went right for us in all this" in reference to an affair. That is absolutely depressing, not only that she got away with it, but that THIS is what she reduced you to. She won, you lost..and you lost majorly. I need to go look at a picture of a puppy or something to counteract this.

 

The poster has made his intent and choices clear. Is a drive by derision really about him or about you?

[drifter777]

Drifter, most here know your story and this is not a shot at you at all. But people definitely make the decision to be unhappy. And that is for any number of reasons, be it laziness, fear, self sacrifice, whatever.

 

I'm not pointing a finger anywhere, but people often (not always) make a choice to be unhappy.

How is it you know these things? It's a fact that most people will not knowing act against their own well being. That suggests that there are people who get something out of not getting over it. I accept that position - it is pretty much universally accepted by shrinks. What I fail to comprehend is how few posters understand that the betrayal of infidelity strikes some people much harder than others. Some BS's are able to move past the betrayal fairly easily and start to focus on the marriage and either fix it or end it. Some people are emotionally devastated and will, likely, never recover to the point that others seem to get to in a year or less.

 

Have you done any research on PTSD? Many advances in treatment have been made over the past few years, mostly because it is finally recognized as a true mental condition. One of the key elements to treating it is to stop using the traditional methods of treatment. For instance, exposure therapy can be effective for many trauma patients, but it is entirely inappropriate - even damaging - to expose a PTSD patient to the circumstances of his trauma. That's because the context of his/her emotional fragility when the event occurred cannot be duplicated. Remember, all soldiers do not suffer from PTSD although they were exposed to the same horrible trauma's as the ones that do. Positive attitude, fake it till you make it, and other pop-psychology is not the way to treat most BS's and certainly not the way to treat those suffering PTSD-like symptoms.

 

BS's who suffer from PTSD-like symptoms should divorce and seek therapy. They will never "heal" but can get to a place of peace. Staying in the "battlefield" is akin to suicide of the spirit. It's an emotional death sentence imposed by themselves.

[drifter777]

This is not even REMOTELY what rainbowlove said. It is insulting that you would put words in her mouth and infer that she meant something so negative when she clearly didn't.

 

You have a chip on your shoulder and a grudge against the world bigger than Texas. Everything you say and post is negative.

 

Yes, you can 'decide' not to be unhappy. It's in the actions you take. In my case, I refuse to wallow in unhappiness but to do that, I recognize that I cannot be vulnerable to men anymore - or at least not to any men that I have met or been involved with so far in my life. I'm hopeful that I will meet one someday that will allow me to be that, and won't fling it back in my face.

 

VBM made the decision not to wallow in unhappiness over something he can't change. Yes, it is up to her now to determine whether or not that was the right decision, but he seems to have a grip on reality and realizes that he can live without her if need be - if his decision doesn't pan out. At least HE made a decision to DO something about his unhappiness rather than just endlessly marinade in it.

I totally resent the baseless judgments you make about me. You know nothing about me, my life experiences, or the work I have done to heal. You don't have to get personal in order to state you advice & opinions.

 

 

I never said that rainbowlove actually said "get over it" - in fact I didn't even say that I thought that this is what she meant. I said that when a WW says what she said that what I hear (through my BH ears) is "get over it".

[understand50]

So wait, you let her betray you like this and then you stayed with her? Because she claimed the sex wasn't good? So many things that went right for you? You mean, so many things about her affair that went right for you?

 

So not only does she cheat and you forgive her, but here you sit uttering sentences like "so many things went right for us in all this" in reference to an affair. That is absolutely depressing, not only that she got away with it, but that THIS is what she reduced you to. She won, you lost..and you lost majorly. I need to go look at a picture of a puppy or something to counteract this.

 

Sooooo......

 

We should take all WS out and shoot them? Stone them? What would your best outcome be?

 

With your attitude, reconciliation is just not possible for anyone at anytime. It is up to VBM, and his wife, Ann, to decide what they are going to do with their life's and relationship. I know that in my marriage, there are no winners or losers, just us against the world, as always. Whatever my wife has done to me, or I to her, it is for each of us to decide, if their life is better, or worse then without other. I do not know who "won" or "lost" on my parents divorce, but I know we kids sure lost.

 

"so many things went right for us in all this" Yes, VBM did handle it well. Drew lines, enforced disclosure, enforced no contact, and then allowed himself the option to divorce, or reconciliation at HIS pleasure. His wife met his conditions. What else is there? Could she be full of BS? Sure, but only time will tell,and again that is for VBM to decide.

 

Reconciliation is harder then divorce. One must look at what may come in in the future, then what has gone on in the past.

 

 

1430

[VeryBrokenMan]

How is it you know these things? It's a fact that most people will not knowing act against their own well being. That suggests that there are people who get something out of not getting over it. I accept that position - it is pretty much universally accepted by shrinks. What I fail to comprehend is how few posters understand that the betrayal of infidelity strikes some people much harder than others. Some BS's are able to move past the betrayal fairly easily and start to focus on the marriage and either fix it or end it. Some people are emotionally devastated and will, likely, never recover to the point that others seem to get to in a year or less.

 

Have you done any research on PTSD? Many advances in treatment have been made over the past few years, mostly because it is finally recognized as a true mental condition. One of the key elements to treating it is to stop using the traditional methods of treatment. For instance, exposure therapy can be effective for many trauma patients, but it is entirely inappropriate - even damaging - to expose a PTSD patient to the circumstances of his trauma. That's because the context of his/her emotional fragility when the event occurred cannot be duplicated. Remember, all soldiers do not suffer from PTSD although they were exposed to the same horrible trauma's as the ones that do. Positive attitude, fake it till you make it, and other pop-psychology is not the way to treat most BS's and certainly not the way to treat those suffering PTSD-like symptoms.

 

BS's who suffer from PTSD-like symptoms should divorce and seek therapy. They will never "heal" but can get to a place of peace. Staying in the "battlefield" is akin to suicide of the spirit. It's an emotional death sentence imposed by themselves.

 

I posted a link to a book that I read late last year and the techniques in the book really helped me deal with the PTSD type symptoms. http://www.amazon.com/FAST-EASY-Emotional-TRAUMA-Treatment/dp/1484896173

 

I don't know if it will help you but do you have anything to lose? Or maybe you've already been down that road? I get that you're still suffering but do you really want to be whole again?

[VeryBrokenMan]

So wait, you let her betray you like this and then you stayed with her? Because she claimed the sex wasn't good? So many things that went right for you? You mean, so many things about her affair that went right for you?

 

So not only does she cheat and you forgive her, but here you sit uttering sentences like "so many things went right for us in all this" in reference to an affair. That is absolutely depressing, not only that she got away with it, but that THIS is what she reduced you to. She won, you lost..and you lost majorly. I need to go look at a picture of a puppy or something to counteract this.

 

So many things went right for us "to stay together" once the affair was discovered. Had any one of many issues been slightly different we would be divorced right now. The day I gave her the ultimatum was the first choice she had to make that decided the outcome. The choice given to her was to tell me everything, break it off that day and tell the OM it was over or I would file for divorce later that week. She could have stalled for time, she could have refused, she could have done any number of things that day. She chose to tell me everything and to end it with the OM and has been NC since. That was the first thing that went right to keep us together and since then there have been many forks in the road and she has chosen the right course to allow us to remain a couple each and every time. She has wanted the marriage to survive a lot more than I have most of the time and she has been fighting for it. And an example of that fight is accepting that I have certain conditions for moving forward and remain vigilant to those conditions. A huge condition that comes to mind is to remain NC and to tell me anytime he tries to contact her. And she has done that. There are so many stories here on LS where the WW slips up and things get off track. None of those things have happened in our case so "things have gone right" and we are able to move forward.

 

And for the record there has been no forgiveness as of yet. I'm getting closer every day but I'm not there yet.

[drifter777]

I posted a link to a book that I read late last year and the techniques in the book really helped me deal with the PTSD type symptoms. http://www.amazon.com/FAST-EASY-Emotional-TRAUMA-Treatment/dp/1484896173

 

I don't know if it will help you but do you have anything to lose? Or maybe you've already been down that road? I get that you're still suffering but do you really want to be whole again?

Any book titled "FAST & EASY Emotional TRAUMA & PTSD Treatment" should be avoided at all costs. It's kind of like "Neurosurgery for Dummies" or "lose weight without dieting".

 

I continue to receive professional help from a real, live Psychologist who has a PHD in the subject. I really don't mean to belittle you as I believe you are being sincere, but do you really think this kind of pop-psychology can address serious mental and emotional issues?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Any book titled "FAST & EASY Emotional TRAUMA & PTSD Treatment" should be avoided at all costs. It's kind of like "Neurosurgery for Dummies" or "lose weight without dieting".

 

I continue to receive professional help from a real, live Psychologist who has a PHD in the subject. I really don't mean to belittle you as I believe you are being sincere, but do you really think this kind of pop-psychology can address serious mental and emotional issues?

 

My IC is a psychologist as well with a Phd and recommended the techniques in the book. It's based on CBT which is a well known method of treatment for emotional issues that affairs bring.

[drifter777]

So many things went right for us "to stay together" once the affair was discovered. Had any one of many issues been slightly different we would be divorced right now.

No, I don't believe this. Your desperate desire was to get your life back to the way it used to be and you are still working on this. And that is a great goal and you seem to be succeeding. But barring anything such as catching them in bed together after D-day or something else just as earth shattering I think you interpreted everything as "the right thing" (i.e. the infamous phone call transcript) and kept moving toward your ultimate goal. There's nothing wrong with this. Doing things the way you did, interpreting things the way you did has worked for you. It is your choice and you know how you want to live your life.