Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm glad. Are you going to to MC together?

 

Not yet, we went to a couple of sessions right after the ultimatum but it

was not fruitful. So we are just seeing IC separately.

 

I still can't explain what compelled me to engage in an EA after so many years of being a totally faithful spouse. It was uncharacteristic of me.

Those are her thoughts, she can't explain it. She was totally opposed to affairs and raked people through the coals for having them.

 

I can also tell you that when I was in the fog, it was almost like I was under a spell. I still felt love for my husband and I knew that rationally he was much better for me and that I should not jeopardize our marriage. Yet I became obsessed with the OM and all rational thought flew out the window.

I have had the opportunity to cheat before with some very willing women and I chose not to. And I think it was a choice. Not bashing you at all, just saying even though I was physically attracted I chose not to act on it.

 

Once I finally had the courage to go NC, my fog rapidly lifted. I realized how crazy the whole thing was. I realized how fortunate I was to have the love of my husband.

I think that is where my wife is now.

 

In short, all those cliches that you read about that are supposed to rejuvenate your marriage, were true for us, and really did help.

All those things are good for the marriage yes, but it does not change the

fact she fell in love with and had sex with someone else after three weeks of talking to him. And until this, neither of us had ever had sex with anyone else (as far as I know). So that purity is shattered.

 

It is possible to recover, and I wish you and your wife the best. I can't recall if you said you read Not Just Friends? Highly rec!

Yes, that was the first book we read.

 

Thanks for your wishes and comments. I appreciate you sharing the other side.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Based n her phone conversation with her OM - I don't think she's sorry she cheated - she's sorry you caught her.

 

Is she working? Does she pay her own way? Can she support herself?

 

She may be wanting to stay because she enjoys not working - and you paying her way.

 

 

No she has never had to work and could not easily support herself.

[VeryBrokenMan]

This is a tough situation!

It wouldn't be for me but from what I've gleaned from OP's post he is gonna have a hard time letting go.

 

Yep.

 

 

I believe that this is a huge problem in relationships. I feel often times a husband will work hard and try to make his wife happy because he loves and adores her but eventually the wife comes to resent the effort and devalue him as a sexual partner because he has stopped behaving like a man(no desire to spread seed).

Many could interpret my position as saying to cheat or that a woman will automatically cheat because her husband doesn't want sex from other women. I'm trying to point out, As people, we can't override our animal instincts indefinitely and while some people can do it for far longer periods than others and although some relationships endure situations where the male has lost his predatory sex drive, I believe it can be hard for some women who have more animal/chemical sexual reactions to continue to be sexually attracted to their partner and will eventually lead her to not see him as a viable sex partner in response to his lack of sexual credibility. I feel it's in a married man'a best interest to keep his tools sharp(being able, knowing you are able, having your partner know you are able to find another suitable partner if you should so choose) and having standards for your partner that are non-negotiables could quell some of the animal instinct to find a MORE viable and worthy partner when the husband has lost Kingship over his castle.

OP seems capable but not confident and that might have been the crack in the window that allowed his wife to believe he was "obsessed with her" to the point where she believes as long as she shows you what you want to see, you would be too weak to leave her... I'm inclined to believe that this is truly the case and that she is right.

I wish OP good luck, I hope he can get peace and move forward without feeling like he compromised his self-respect to do so. Staying or going is a hard decision when you are in love and on the inside of the after affair prison.

That all seems plausible to me, but I have no background to say either way.

[Spectre]

She cheated on you man. It doesn't matter if it was after 31 years or 31 days, she still cheated. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too, and by forgiving her..you pretty much allow her to do that.

[VeryBrokenMan]

@verybrokenman I gonna say this with courage in the hope that you rebuke me calling for an apology and if you do ask for an apology I will issue a public apology. Now after spending much time going over your story I think your WW is an ex dancer. I call you out tell me I'm wrong and I'll apologize. This is the main trait amongst men who date hot women whose creed is that a man is a financial plan.

 

No, she did some fashion modeling but was never a dancer. No apology needed, fair question and I took no offense.

[Pinklotus]

Just for the record... No PA here, nor any plan for it or any type of sexting, etc.

 

Back to you....are your ICs recommending MC at some point? It seems like it would be essential to healing your marriage. I felt closer to my husband after every session.

 

 

Not yet, we went to a couple of sessions right after the ultimatum but it

was not fruitful. So we are just seeing IC separately.

 

Those are her thoughts, she can't explain it. She was totally opposed to affairs and raked people through the coals for having them.

 

I have had the opportunity to cheat before with some very willing women and I chose not to. And I think it was a choice. Not bashing you at all, just saying even though I was physically attracted I chose not to act on it.

 

I think that is where my wife is now.

 

All those things are good for the marriage yes, but it does not change the

fact she fell in love with and had sex with someone else after three weeks of talking to him. And until this, neither of us had ever had sex with anyone else (as far as I know). So that purity is shattered.

 

Yes, that was the first book we read.

 

Thanks for your wishes and comments. I appreciate you sharing the other side.

[Spectre]

I think if the woman truly loved the OP she would of solved whatever problems they had in a way that did not involve sex with other dudes.

[VeryBrokenMan]

It appears from her comments that she just assumed that you would be there regardless of what she did and felt entitled to indulge her selfish desires. Best of luck to you and your family.

 

I'm starting to think this is the case. Thanks for the comments and wishes.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Just for the record... No PA here, nor any plan for it or any type of sexting, etc.

 

Back to you....are your ICs recommending MC at some point? It seems like it would be essential to healing your marriage. I felt closer to my husband after every session.

 

Yes we plan to start MC at some point. Not sure we are ready yet.

[HereNorThere]

Yes we plan to start MC at some point. Not sure we are ready yet.

 

Whatever you had in the past is over now. In fact, the person you knew no longer exists. She just keeps screaming "I don't love you" over and over again and you refuse to listen.

 

Look, you aren't going to handle this right. It's going to take a few more times of catching her before you finally decide a) I'm going to accept my wife having multiple boyfriends b) I'm leaving. Does it feel good to know you have another man's sperm swimming around in your sheets? Does it feel good to know you've probably had another man's sperm inside your body? Because she is exposing you to some random guys sexual fluids without your consent. The worst part is that she's actually in love with this random guy.

 

She's a bad person who doesn't love you. I do not understand what part you don't get about this. Every minute you stay, you are enabling her. You're lucky because most people on here never get the answers you did. You already know she's in love with him and doesn't regret it. You already know she will continue to screw him while she reaps the benefits of the life you provide for her.

 

Ready to raise someone else's kid?

[BeatsByDirk]

It's never too soon to start MC even if it's over. Try a few, make sure they understand your perspective and what you find culturally appropriate. What's important going forward is just knowing if real communication exists. If you go and get the feeling she's just protecting her lifestyle and has no intention fostering true closeness then your questions are answered.

Any avenue that foster more communication is a good thing, communication will give you answers.

[HereNorThere]

Nah, don't waste your time with marriage counseling. Your wife has PERSONALITY issues which are way, way beyond your control. Even after years of intensive psychiatric care, you aren't going to change her core personality.

 

Something tells me you already knew this about her. You've probably watched her lie and treat others poorly, but thought you were special and would never be on the receiving end. Sadly, this is just who she is. It isn't ever going to go away.

 

GET OUT NOW AND NEVER LOOK BACK. The life you once had is now over.

Edited January 20, 2015 by HereNorThere

[BeatsByDirk]

I agree, I just don't think OP will leave without exhausting every possibility. She obviously has some value to him in his eyes, perhaps more value than himself or else he wouldn't be mulling it over for 3 months.

MC is a chance to listen to let her dig her own grave and when you really understand the person you've been living with the decision to leave or not could be clearer.

Edited January 20, 2015 by BeatsByDirk
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[mikethemechanic]

Well as promised I apologize for calling your wife a stripper! Might I ask how the two of you met?you seem to emphasize that you are equally in lust with her as much as you are in love with her it just gives me the impression that she's a very beautiful and attractive woman and possibly out of your league I draw this inductively by your experience with her. Just how did you happen to meet her did you not know of her past before you married her was there any doubts or questions that plagued your conscience or was it just the skirt you were chasing?

Edited January 21, 2015 by mikethemechanic

[Mr. Lucky]

That is what she said almost exactly and has stuck by all those items. Are you saying they all say that?

 

Wish I could tell you I'm psychic but yes, that's what they all say. It's certainly what my ex-wife told me. And it's based not on any commonality in their experience but on the BSs almost universal desire to believe the best version of the worst facts. So sure, she had sex but it was no good. And yes, they had an affair but it was all his doing. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

The obvious fact is that just as they lie to conduct the affair, they lie to effect reconciliation. You seem like a bright guy but, were I able to convince you of only one thing, it would be to believe what she says at your own risk. You're standing on shifting sands...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Radu]

I agree, she is not the same girl I married and that's getting more clear day by day. And I'm starting to feel like she is manipulating me but she is an amazing actress if that is the case.

 

You can be a fantastic actor when you believe what you say, when you get into that mindset.

 

So trust (because it's not time yet) but verify.

And she should be pulling the reconcilliation wagon.

Not to mention that you should talk to a lawyer to protect you as much as possible in the case of a Divorce.

 

The reason their affair ended was because the OM was not willing to finance her.

You won because of that.

That is what brought her out of the affair fog.

Don't try to see some noble reason in this, she had 31 yrs in which you put most of the effort in the marriage, 31 yrs of selfishness paired to your selflessness.

If this R is to work, she needs to be willing to do the work, destroy the OM [if asked to], and shatter part of that selfishness.

If you ever see selfishness creep again in your relationship ... that's the in for a potential affair.

[aliveagain]

These are some excepts from the call to her lover, she said it was two or three minutes but it was actually 75 minutes.

 

Does this sound like someone that I should forgive and try to reconcile with? (Serious question, my judgement is not great right now)

 

Excerpts:

 

01:15:33

He texted me Monday morning and asked me all these questions, and I was just lying to him, you know.

 

01:18:00

This has been to terrible (crying) this has been terrible.

 

 

01:20:00

And you know this is (pause) it started out like a game to me but it didn’t end up being a game for me.

 

 

01:20:00 There is nothing for you to be sorry about. This is awful (crying)

 

 

01:22:00

I can’t express how terrible this is. Gaaad it’s awful.

 

01:23:00

And I need you now more than ever

 

 

01:23:17 And no matter what I’m always going to miss you

 

01:25:00

I mean I have to be tested for STD’s (incredulous)

There are so many things in this ****ed up situation and of course I have to do everything. You know. I have no say unless I just walk away.

 

01:30:00

He said he understood I was grieving too and I needed to be able to call you and have closure but I don’t know how that can ever be (crying)

 

01:31:00

I’m going to miss you too (crying)

(crying)

01:34:00

You know that and the fact that you were filling a void I have with him and now I don’t have you either.

 

01:35:00

He barely speaks to me and now I can’t be with the man that actually appreciates me.

 

01:36:00

 

He has always been obsessed with me. Always.

 

01:38:00

 

He does not know the kind of man you are. And I’m not sharing all my deepest darkest things about you.

 

01:38:00

 

I miss the man that tells me I’m beautiful. That knows my heart and appreciates it.

 

01:39:00

 

I’m not sorry about (pause) which speaks to part of the problem is.

That I’m not really sorry I did this because you came to mean so much to me.

 

And I'm not sorry we had this relationship, I'm sorry that I got caught

 

 

01:41:00

I’d live in a cardboard box if I could escape all this right now

 

01:45

I want you to know I think you are a really good guy. (crying)

Me too (crying)

 

01:50

Oh yeah, he will. I’ll tell him we just talked for 2 or 3 minutes and I told you bye.

 

 

01:52:00

We need to hang up, I hate to, I don’t want to be without you (crying)

 

 

01:53:00

If you need to get me I’ll be here mornings

 

01:54:00

And I need you to know that I really do love you and it’s really hard for me to let you go.

 

So maybe some other day we can talk.

 

 

You need to look at these items, these say it all. She was pretty much begging other man to step up, she was giving him one last chance to take it all, he didn't. My guess is O/M doesn't have your resources and her statement about willing to live in a cardboard box if he asks her to is her way of telling him that she would choose him over money. That is the only closure I see here, when that failed she still left an opening that she is available mornings for him. She can't take care of herself financially and she knows your obsessed with her, a very bad combination. I think that she is the aggressor in their affair and you may not want to believe that but her phone call to him bears it out. You need to protect yourself with one very aggressive post nuptial agreement, they are defendable but overall are more of a deterrent because she will have to spend a small fortune to find out just how defendable they are.

 

Friend I have to tell you, stay for the right reasons, being her meal ticket is not one of them. Her beauty is another very bad reason for staying. You need to deal with your obsession of her, perhaps your IC can help you with this. Perhaps the post nuptial agreement will put you on a more level playing field.

[Nawlins]

OP, I have a few questions that might help you look at what has happened and make a good decision in your best interest.

1) Has she ever thanked you for all that you have done to build and sustain your family and lifestyle?

2) What is she doing on a daily basis that shows you she regrets her affair and is remorseful? Do these things make you believe that she’s doing it for you because you are Plan A or because she doesn’t want to lose what she has since the AP is not in the picture?

3) What ultimatum did you offer her and what was her response that shocked you? Do you feel like her response is a genuine desire to be with you, or not give up her lifestyle?

[SycamoreCircle]

Forget all these specific details. Here's all you need to know:

 

This woman is not capable of love. Right now, anyway. Maybe someday she'll mature and be ready. But not now. Love never grows out of deceit and meanness. That's like growing a healthy plant in a pot of tar.

 

Get this woman out of your life. Read up on NC. Heal. Move on.

[mikethemechanic]

You need to look at these items, these say it all. She was pretty much begging other man to step up, she was giving him one last chance to take it all, he didn't. My guess is O/M doesn't have your resources and her statement about willing to live in a cardboard box if he asks her to is her way of telling him that she would choose him over money. That is the only closure I see here, when that failed she still left an opening that she is available mornings for him. She can't take care of herself financially and she knows your obsessed with her, a very bad combination. I think that she is the aggressor in their affair and you may not want to believe that but her phone call to him bears it out. You need to protect yourself with one very aggressive post nuptial agreement, they are defendable but overall are more of a deterrent because she will have to spend a small fortune to find out just how defendable they are.

 

Friend I have to tell you, stay for the right reasons, being her meal ticket is not one of them. Her beauty is another very bad reason for staying. You need to deal with your obsession of her, perhaps your IC can help you with this. Perhaps the post nuptial agreement will put you on a more level playing field.

I agree with you I think she was the aggressor and it would be also interesting to find out how they met and under what circumstances?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Well as promised I apologize for calling your wife a stripper! Might I ask how the two of you met?you seem to emphasize that you are equally in lust with her as much as you are in love with her it just gives me the impression that she's a very beautiful and attractive woman and possibly out of your league I draw this inductively by your experience with her. Just how did you happen to meet her did you not know of her past before you married her was there any doubts or questions that plagued your conscience or was it just the skirt you were chasing?

 

No worries man. We met young, both virgins. She blossomed after we were married and is definitely out of my league since. We started with nothing but I've done alright financially but the stress and hard work has taken it's toll on me. We are both in great shape but she has lived a very easy life and she looks 15 or more years younger than I do even though we are the same age. I don't think she gets how hard you have to work in this world to have what we have or the amount of daily BS and stress there is. All she see's is the money roll in.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Wish I could tell you I'm psychic but yes, that's what they all say. It's certainly what my ex-wife told me. And it's based not on any commonality in their experience but on the BSs almost universal desire to believe the best version of the worst facts. So sure, she had sex but it was no good. And yes, they had an affair but it was all his doing. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

The obvious fact is that just as they lie to conduct the affair, they lie to effect reconciliation. You seem like a bright guy but, were I able to convince you of only one thing, it would be to believe what she says at your own risk. You're standing on shifting sands...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks, at this point everything she says is suspect.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You can be a fantastic actor when you believe what you say, when you get into that mindset.

 

So trust (because it's not time yet) but verify.

And she should be pulling the reconcilliation wagon.

Not to mention that you should talk to a lawyer to protect you as much as possible in the case of a Divorce.

 

The reason their affair ended was because the OM was not willing to finance her.

You won because of that.

That is what brought her out of the affair fog.

Don't try to see some noble reason in this, she had 31 yrs in which you put most of the effort in the marriage, 31 yrs of selfishness paired to your selflessness.

If this R is to work, she needs to be willing to do the work, destroy the OM [if asked to], and shatter part of that selfishness.

If you ever see selfishness creep again in your relationship ... that's the in for a potential affair.

 

The OM is married and not anywhere near our financial position. She would almost have to live in a cardboard box to be with him. Nothing about him makes me jealous and I'm the jealous type.

 

I'm really starting to see the selfishness and entitlement over our entire marriage and I see how I've just let it go on.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You need to look at these items, these say it all. She was pretty much begging other man to step up, she was giving him one last chance to take it all, he didn't. My guess is O/M doesn't have your resources and her statement about willing to live in a cardboard box if he asks her to is her way of telling him that she would choose him over money. That is the only closure I see here, when that failed she still left an opening that she is available mornings for him. She can't take care of herself financially and she knows your obsessed with her, a very bad combination. I think that she is the aggressor in their affair and you may not want to believe that but her phone call to him bears it out. You need to protect yourself with one very aggressive post nuptial agreement, they are defendable but overall are more of a deterrent because she will have to spend a small fortune to find out just how defendable they are.

 

Friend I have to tell you, stay for the right reasons, being her meal ticket is not one of them. Her beauty is another very bad reason for staying. You need to deal with your obsession of her, perhaps your IC can help you with this. Perhaps the post nuptial agreement will put you on a more level playing field.

 

Thought a lot about the post-nup, Attorney tells me it's not much protection given the 31 years. I severely screwed financially if we split now or in the future. I don't want to stay to be her meal ticket or for any wrong reasons. I am in lust and in love with her and the sex used to be great and hope it can be again. But obviously things have to change.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thought a lot about the post-nup, Attorney tells me it's not much protection given the 31 years. I severely screwed financially if we split now or in the future.

 

You're going to have to think about your priorities.

 

How screwed are you when she's sleeping with someone else ???

 

Mr. Lucky