Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[oldshirt]

"when men rescue damsels in distress, all they have to show for it is a distressed damsel on their hands."

 

- Dr Laura Schlesinger

 

 

A few things for everyone to keep in mind-

 

- she may be an abuse survivor 40 years ago but her bad behavior was now.

 

- she may be sick and damaged, but she is still dangerous and has a high risk of recommitting inappropriate and destructive behavior.

 

- childhood abuse does excuse bad behavior as an adult.

 

- her childhood abuse does not obligate VBM to accept mistreatment or accept inappropriate or destructive behavior.

 

- it's not VBM's job to treat her. That is the job of her shrinks and therapists etc.

 

- comparing her to cancer or other medical patient is not valid. This was bad behavior. Cancer patients do not put on webcam shows for strange perverts, run off to Vegas to do strip shows, go home and carpet munch with strippers and screw other men.

 

- Even though VBM may wish to support and help her, he is still obligated to protect himself, his health, sanity and well being, his children and his assets from her. He is obligated to protect those things even if it means divorcing her even if he doesn't want to.

[velvette]

"when men rescue damsels in distress, all they have to show for it is a distressed damsel on their hands."

 

- Dr Laura Schlesinger

 

 

A few things for everyone to keep in mind-

 

- she may be an abuse survivor 40 years ago but her bad behavior was now.

 

- she may be sick and damaged, but she is still dangerous and has a high risk of recommitting inappropriate and destructive behavior.

 

- childhood abuse does excuse bad behavior as an adult.

 

- her childhood abuse does not obligate VBM to accept mistreatment or accept inappropriate or destructive behavior.

 

- it's not VBM's job to treat her. That is the job of her shrinks and therapists etc.

 

- comparing her to cancer or other medical patient is not valid. This was bad behavior. Cancer patients do not put on webcam shows for strange perverts, run off to Vegas to do strip shows, go home and carpet munch with strippers and screw other men.

 

- Even though VBM may wish to support and help her, he is still obligated to protect himself, his health, sanity and well being, his children and his assets from her. He is obligated to protect those things even if it means divorcing her even if he doesn't want to.

 

 

Everything you said is true, but you forgot one thing. Staying with her, supporting her, protecting himself, saving his marriage is all also possible.

 

 

Been there, done that, have the tshirt. Not easy. Possible.

[RightThere]

.

- childhood abuse does excuse bad behavior as an adult.

 

No excuses are being made. However to pretend that one event does not affect the other one is placing your head in the sand.

 

.

- comparing her to cancer or other medical patient is not valid. This was bad behavior. Cancer patients do not put on webcam shows for strange perverts, run off to Vegas to do strip shows, go home and carpet munch with strippers and screw other men.

 

To simply write it off as "bad behaviour" is just a total cop out. How come a BS can suffer from PTSD after D-Day, but a WW who suffers from childhood abuse cannot suffer from it years later.

 

The actions are not right or justified in any way, but to pretend that the WW's actions are just simply a "lapse in judgement" or "bad behaviour" like they are some kind of child is just nonsense.

[singer23]

When people are raped as children and don't get the help they need to process whats happened to them, they are stuck in childhood.

 

 

Their whole development process is stunted. There whole life is governed by keeping their secret because they see it as shameful. She was likely groomed to participate in her own abuse and/or threatened with death or harm to anyone she told.

 

 

Adult rape victims have similar feelings...i.e. shame regarding whatever choices they made to survive.

 

 

An adult can usually get help on their own and rationally understand that they were not to blame. A child does not have those resources unless they tell an adult who helps them.

 

 

The shame that goes with all that is overwhelming. Someone who has that much shame feels unlovable. They hate themselves. How could anyone else love them?

 

 

And then, she met OM who accepted her as she acted out all that shame(which is what many..not all...survivors of childhood rape...do...act out sexually...because it feels good......when they did it in childhood it stopped the abuse so temporarily it was over and they were rewarded somehow by the abuser)..........so because OM accepted how she acted out her shame and liked her for it, she felt cared about/loved for who she sees herself being.....nevermind its not who she really is or was meant to be.

 

 

She would have felt some loyalty to him for being the person who made her feel loved. Hence she didn't want to just dump him unceremoniously. She cared about him because she felt in some twisted way that he cared about her.

 

 

Its a dysfunctional reaction to trauma she has never healed from because she didn't tell anyone and get help.

 

 

But I think we should have some perspective. Maybe we can be a bit more sympathetic but it shouldn't be a excuse. It shouldn't be unquestionable. Now, VBM is a victim too. It shouldn't give him any right to abuse his wife.

 

 

If she is still involved in a hit and run, police would still arrest her. If she kills someone, he will still feel the pain and will die.

 

Child sexual abuse is not some ultimate card you bring out to shutup everyone when you have no where to go or no excuses.

 

A crime was commited upon her when she was a kid.

 

But that doesn't give her an excuse for what she did to VBM. VBM is her victim.

[singer23]

No excuses are being made. However to pretend that one event does not affect the other one is placing your head in the sand.

 

 

 

To simply write it off as "bad behaviour" is just a total cop out. How come a BS can suffer from PTSD after D-Day, but a WW who suffers from childhood abuse cannot suffer from it years later.

 

The actions are not right or justified in any way, but to pretend that the WW's actions are just simply a "lapse in judgement" or "bad behaviour" like they are some kind of child is just nonsense.

 

If a child sex abuse victim was drunk driving(destructive actions) and ran over your loved ones killing them, would it be any better than a normal drunk driver doing the same thing ?

[velvette]

But I think we should have some perspective. Maybe we can be a bit more sympathetic but it shouldn't be a excuse. It shouldn't be unquestionable. Now, VBM is a victim too. It shouldn't give him any right to abuse his wife.

 

 

If she is still involved in a hit and run, police would still arrest her. If she kills someone, he will still feel the pain and will die.

 

Child sexual abuse is not some ultimate card you bring out to shutup everyone when you have no where to go or no excuses.

 

A crime was commited upon her when she was a kid.

 

But that doesn't give her an excuse for what she did to VBM. VBM is her victim.

 

 

I didn't say any of the things you are saying.

 

 

As an adult you have to face the consequences of your choices even if those choices stem from dysfunctional behavior as a result of crimes perpetuated against you as a child.

 

 

Is up to VBM if she faces consequences regarding their marriage.

 

 

I see VBM more as a secondary victim of his wifes rapist.

[singer23]

I didn't say any of the things you are saying.

 

 

As an adult you have to face the consequences of your choices even if those choices stem from dysfunctional behavior as a result of crimes perpetuated against you as a child.

 

 

Is up to VBM if she faces consequences regarding their marriage.

 

 

I see VBM more as a secondary victim of his wifes rapist.

I wasn't really arguing with you or saying you were wrong. Just adding to your post

 

 

I see VBM more as a secondary victim of his wifes rapist.

 

Doesn't matter. Maybe her rapist was abused as a child too.

 

If her parents or family found out, I would agree that they were the secondary victims.

 

VBM is his wife's victim.

[66Charger]

Now that we know you are still alive and kicking VBM, the battle for your soul continues from your "family" at LS.

 

Good to hear back from you. Get some sleep. The battle will rage here while you rest.

[beach]

But I think we should have some perspective. Maybe we can be a bit more sympathetic but it shouldn't be a excuse. It shouldn't be unquestionable. Now, VBM is a victim too. It shouldn't give him any right to abuse his wife.

 

 

If she is still involved in a hit and run, police would still arrest her. If she kills someone, he will still feel the pain and will die.

 

Child sexual abuse is not some ultimate card you bring out to shutup everyone when you have no where to go or no excuses.

 

A crime was commited upon her when she was a kid.

 

But that doesn't give her an excuse for what she did to VBM. VBM is her victim.

 

Excuse or not she's done what she's done. I wonder if she feels she has some power over VBM in him continuing to stay despite all her history since this started.

 

Does it mean if he stays she holds all the power while she's broken? I don't know.

 

I hope she can learn to have a voice and speak her truth. Maybe even consider pressing charges against her perpetrator so she can feel that some justice comes from all this crap she's lived with her entire life.

 

While sifting through it all to become well - many victims lash out at those closest to them - I hope VBM doesn't allow her to treat him unkindly...whether he stays or not - he's a good guy and deserves to be treated with respect. These are her demons to get past - I hope she will do the hard work to get to the other side and become healthy, empowered.

[aliveagain]

VBM, she had so many other options. Posting everyone of her orifices on a cam site for a few years would not have been one my first choice's broken or not. Fwak, broken just doesn't cover it. I would have to divorce her if I was in your position, sorry but that is my truth, maybe after she spends a few years fixing what is broken decide together if marring each other is in the cards(just to much deception). I'm sorry man, your marriage is a total lie. I never knew a site like that even existed, at least 40% of North American can now recognize your wife, damn, you just don't deserve something this fu*ked up as your reality. I think this requires a do over.

[bigman1]

I have dealt with numerous sex abuse survivors. I totally get those issues. I also know from my experience as a prosecutor and defense lawyer that just because someone says that it happened does not make it true. Sorry, but I have personally and professionally been convinced of a so called victim's story only to find IRREFUTABLE proof that it was not true. I don't want this to fall into a debate about true or false allegations, I just was pointing that out.

 

Now follow me on this snipe hunt for a second as it relates to this whole matter (note that I am not encouraging anyone to actually go on the site):

 

1. To go on that website as a provider, one has to register and become one of hundreds, if not thousands of other women.

2. To view providers one just has to register.

3. On the site you can filter providers by CONTINENT.

4. Look up cam sites and you will find out how many of them exist.

5. VBM asserts that his wife was somehow blocking local ip addresses.

6. Despite this, OM uses some sort of cloaking software to hide himself and manages to penetrate her impenetrable defense.

7. Now, look at the statistical improbabilities. Two cloaked people in the same town manage to meet each other on a the same website at the same time despite one of them deliberately trying not to be found and despite the sheer volume of other available cam models on the site; thereafter, they start a relationship.

 

That is literally 2 needles that were purposefully hiding in 2 haystacks finding each other.

 

AS for this whole polygraph stuff, well that is simply laughable. I have actually litigated, in court, polygraph issues in cases where the parties stipulated that the results would be admissible. VBM says that he fooled the examiner. Any real examiner would have exposed this. Seriously. I don't know how many polygraph guys are where VBM is located, but they are probably not accredited or they are just pitiful. To assert that his wife passed, just leaves more questions. Was it the same poly guy? Was it someone trained by him? Polygraphs don't flash lights for true or false. There is a whole lot more to it.

 

All VBM needs to make this story seem remotely plausible is to get her to provide him with the log in info for the site and the data. That information is READILY available. Again, from litigation experience, I know that it is there and they maintain backup, so it is not going to be deleted. You'd be surprised how many people want to charge services and then later dispute them in an effort to get refunds. The cam site company will not delete that stuff for a long time. Just log in and show him.

 

I am so dubious of so much.

Edited July 27, 2015 by bigman1

[velvette]

VBM, she had so many other options. Posting everyone of her orifices on a cam site for a few years would not have been one my first choice's broken or not. Fwak, broken just doesn't cover it. I would have to divorce her if I was in your position, sorry but that is my truth, maybe after she spends a few years fixing what is broken decide together if marring each other is in the cards(just to much deception). I'm sorry man, your marriage is a total lie. I never knew a site like that even existed, at least 40% of North American can now recognize your wife, damn, you just don't deserve something this fu*ked up as your reality. I think this requires a do over.

 

 

 

I'm just curious how you could possibly know this? How do you know what you would do if you had been raped as a child? Please explain.

[aliveagain]

I have dealt with numerous sex abuse survivors. I totally get those issues. I also know from my experience as a prosecutor and defense lawyer that just because someone says that it happened does not make it true. Sorry, but I have personally and professionally been convinced of a so called victim's story only to find IRREFUTABLE proof that it was not true. I don't want this to fall into a debate about true or false allegations, I just was pointing that out.

 

Now follow me on this snipe hunt for a second as it relates to this whole matter (note that I am not encouraging anyone to actually go on the site):

 

1. To go on that website as a provider, one has to register and become one of hundreds, if not thousands of other women.

2. To view providers one just has to register.

3. On the site you can filter providers by CONTINENT.

4. Look up cam sites and you will find out how many of them exist.

5. VBM asserts that his wife was somehow blocking local ip addresses.

6. Despite this, OM uses some sort of cloaking software to hide himself and manages to penetrate her impenetrable defense.

7. Now, look at the statistical improbabilities. Two cloaked people in the same town manage to meet each other on a the same website at the same time despite one of them deliberately trying not to be found and despite the sheer volume of other available cam models on the site; thereafter, they start a relationship.

 

That is literally 2 needles that were purposefully hiding in 2 haystacks finding each other.

 

AS for this whole polygraph stuff, well that is simply laughable. I have actually litigated, in court, polygraph issues in cases where the parties stipulated that the results would be admissible. VBM says that he fooled the examiner. Any real examiner would have exposed this. Seriously. I don't know how many polygraph guys are where VBM is located, but they are probably not accredited or they are just pitiful. To assert that his wife passed, just leaves more questions. Was it the same poly guy? Was it someone trained by him? Polygraphs don't flash lights for true or false. There is a whole lot more to it.

 

All VBM needs to make this story seem remotely plausible is to get her to provide him with the log in info for the site and the data. That information is READILY available. Again, from litigation experience, I know that it is there and they maintain backup, so it is not going to be deleted. You'd be surprised how many people want to charge services and then later dispute them in an effort to get refunds. The cam site company will not delete that stuff for a long time. Just log in and show him.

 

I am so dubious of so much.

 

Let us not forget that these two needles in a haystack have one very common person at their core, O/M's(the rapist and bad boy extreme, over 300lbs with a small what you may call it, just another coincidence) wife is her friend.

[CarrieT]

VBM, I am heartbroken for you as well. And commend you for being able to transcribe all that has happened.

 

I am also a child abuse (started at 9) and rape victim (3 times, actually).

 

Inasmuch, I also have rape fantasies and a lot of rape victims do, so that is not a surprise. However, how any victim deals with their issues is different for every person and I am shocked that after SO MANY YEARS, this is how her affliction manifested itself. I started therapy at a very young age because of it and the fact that she is just now dealing with these issues raises questions in my mind as well.

 

Like others, I am curious your PI didn't uncover any of this previously.

 

More than anything else, I wanted to reach out and question/suggest that you seek out counseling as well. No one here can tell you if you should stay in the marriage or not.

 

Yes, she is damaged. And now you are damaged. Both have healing to do and whether or not the marriage should continue is a something that I don't believe either of you have to address just yet. The first step is to survive until tomorrow. And the day after that. And then the day after that.

 

And who knows? Perhaps a year from now - or six months - or two years - one or the other of you will decide that you want to be on your own: You to pursue a healthier relationship with someone who can be more honest with you or Her, to pursue those desires she feels so compelled towards.

 

But you don't have to make the decision today. All you have to do is start taking care of VBM.

 

I wish I could hug you now and tell you it will get better.

 

I really, really do....

[oldshirt]

No excuses are being made. However to pretend that one event does not affect the other one is placing your head in the sand.

 

 

 

To simply write it off as "bad behaviour" is just a total cop out. How come a BS can suffer from PTSD after D-Day, but a WW who suffers from childhood abuse cannot suffer from it years later.

 

The actions are not right or justified in any way, but to pretend that the WW's actions are just simply a "lapse in judgement" or "bad behaviour" like they are some kind of child is just nonsense.

 

Nope, the cop out is somehow thinking that childhood abuse somehow gives licence for a 50 year old wife and mother to become an internet porn star, stripper, lesbian and adulteress behind her husbands back.

 

My heart bleeds for the 11 year old that was so profoundly mistreated. The lingering scars and damage must be unimaginable. The need for appropriate, intensive therapy is paramount.

 

But the fact remains an adult is accountable for their actions. Her actions were unacceptable.

 

I have no doubt VBM will choose to stand by her and support her, that is his choice.

 

My hope for him however is that he will draw a bold line in the sand to protect himself and his children and assets and if she so much as steps a pinky tow over the line, he does whatever is necessary to keep from being harmed by her again.

 

People are obligated to protect themselves and their children from those that will harm them even if they have love and compassion for the one doing the harm.

 

I love my cousin Rodger, but if he gets tanked up on meth and breaks into my house and comes at my family, I am obligated to put the crosshairs between his eyes and blow his head off.

 

That is an extreme example to make a point. But the point here is VBM must realize the risk of her devastating him again and be prepared to protect himself from that risk.

 

It's fine to hope that she gets treated and everyone lives happily ever after. But while he hopes, he needs to be preparing for the worst and he still needs to hold her accountable for her actions and not allow her to harm him any more.

[aliveagain]

I'm just curious how you could possibly know this? How do you know what you would do if you had been raped as a child? Please explain.

 

I just went and checked it out like most people on this site, I'm in shock, honestly. Anyone on that site is about one thing, show as many of your orifices and collect tokens. If she was on that site for three years, she's pro, sorry VBM, your married to a porn star.

[understand50]

The fact the Ann was abused when a very young girl, does not excuse her from her bad behavior, but........

 

If you read what VBM wrote, she has taken FULL responsibility for it, and for everything else she did. Not playing the victim card. She is showing WHY. Why this happened, why she made the bad decisions. Is this not what everyone says a WS is supposed to do?

 

She, after D-Day did everything VBM wanted, and worked to change. This second D-day gave more information on things she had been doing, before the last D-DAY and a really good time line on how she jumped the line to cheating. This took guts. She then asked VBM for his help after baring ALL. She then did a Poly. At what point, are we going to accept, that she is showing remorse, working hard to change herself and her marriage.

 

If all we can say as a group is divorce, no matter what, no matter the circumstances, no matter what a BS may feel is right for them, why bother to offer support and advise to other WS's. Just tell to leave and save he BS from filing divorce, do it yourself. You are unworthy of ever having a relationship for the rest of your life. There are WS, who deserve to lose everything, who have not worked at reconciliation, who are just broken, and bad people, but from what VBM has given us, I do not think this is so here.

 

This ongoing debate, divorce as the only option, vs reconciliation, does not hold here. VBM decided to try reconciliation. It is now up to VBM if he can move forward and continue to try and reconcile or move on. I will bet, that what ever he does, he will make sure of Ann's well being. He has the stamp of a strong compassionate man, who will treat the mother of his children with respect and kindness, whether he is married to her or not.

 

When someone hurts you, causes you great pain, your first reaction is to lash out, hurt them as well. Seek revenge. This does not work well between married couples. As there are children involved, grown they be, you have to weight the impact on them. On your family as a whole. Then there is the time invested, the marriage as a whole, and lastly the love you may still feel for a Wayward Spouse. All these can lead to a divorce, or a attempt to reconcile. We all read of BS, who have stated that if the WS, had just made the effort, just told them everything, maybe things would be different. In the end, even if you do divorce, trying to be compassionate, kind, not just hating is best for you, and also for your kids and family. Divorce in long marriages effects more then the couples involved. You do not have to a doormat, but nether do you have to go out of your way to be cruel.

 

Effort, on both sides is being made here. I can only hope that in the end they are successful. If they divorce, I will be sad for both of them.

 

I wish them well.

[aliveagain]

VBM, this is about you and your well being. My ex was abused by her brother and her fathers best friend but that doesn't mean she got a hall pass to bang some stucco applicator for two years and then have his baby and pass him off as mine. Had I known she was that broken I would have helped her to get professional help but I would never have married her.

 

How does someone pretend to be a loving stay at home wife but yet spend her afternoons on a webcam site somewhere between Carla Squirts and Maddie Springs and think all is good? Get help, tell your husband the truth before you marry him. It was all a lie, VBM wanted a loving wife yet got sold a porn star, he has rights.

[velvette]

VBM

 

 

Eat, sleep, breathe.

 

 

From experience, ( my husband was raped at the same age as your wife, resulting in serial cheating for much of our M and finally coming clean like your W when it was the only thing left to save our M), I offer the following:

 

 

Take your time. No need for rash decisions.

 

 

First priority, continue your IC and make sure your wife is in IC with someone competent to deal with childhood sexual abuse. She has a walk through hell to take and it needs to be with someone who can keep her safe. If you know you want to save your M seek to be included in her therapy.

 

 

Know that until she is done with therapy there will be times the wounded child is in charge. No doubt, if you look back you will see there were times you were dealing with the child and not your adult wife.

 

 

Recovery is not a straight line. She may slip.

 

 

Determine your own boundaries. They will need reviewing in light of this info. They don't need to satisfy anyone other than you.

 

 

Conventional advice re infidelity still applies, but there are nuances to your situation. Most will not understand them. Trust yourself.

 

 

Your wife has chosen you to help her heal. Its up to you if you do that and you don't have to stay married to do so.

 

 

Make your goal love. Stay for love or let your wife go with love. That will get you where you need to go.

 

 

Your emotions in the future will be all over the place anger/rage even over what happened to your W and how she has treated you. Sadness, even grief over what happened to your wife. Wondering why your W didn't feel safe telling you etc. Just wade through it all. The bottom line is that you W was on her own journey and has done what she could when she could. If she could have done better she would have.

 

 

As for your wifes sexual kinks, therapy may make them go away or diminish them to the realm of fantasy that does not need to be acted out. If not, there are ways to incorporate that kink into a M that do not impact the health of the M.

 

 

For now, eat sleep keep up your therapy and make your own boundaries clear to your W. Its up to her to do the work she needs to do. All you can do is support her or not.

 

 

Health and a happy M are possible. Much depends on how hard she is willing to work in therapy. Only time will tell that.

[aliveagain]

VBM, my point is your wife knew about her kink before she married you but chose to hide it from you. She allowed herself to cheat on you with men and women but never spoke to you about her issues. She chose deception over truth. She would still be deceiving you had you not found out. She needs serious help, years of it but that doesn't mean you have to be married to her. How do you right so many wrongs without starting new? Marry her with the knowledge that she is broken, help her, she deserves to be healed but it should be your choice and without the cloak of deception. The imbalance can never be corrected in this marriage, this requires a new marriage with everyone being aware of all circumstances, the love is already there. A marriage built on lies that require more lies to sustain it can never last. Build a new one that has love and honesty as it's foundation. They last a lifetime.

[Horton]

I see VBM more as a secondary victim of his wifes rapist.

 

Compassion is a good thing, but it is not the only thing. To say VBM is more a victim of his wife's rapist as opposed to being a victim of his wife actually strips VBM's wife of her moral agency essentially leaving her in the position of a helpless child. But VBM's wife is not a child anymore, shes a grown woman and she is responsible for what she has done to her husband. Not her rapist, not her parents, nor VBM or 'society' as a whole, just her and her alone. There is no end in sight when we start down the road of blame shifting one person's behavior due to abuse suffered in the past onto another.

 

Her rapist was likely abused at some point in his childhood and possibly the person who abused him was also mistreated and the person before him as well and so on, all the way back to the beginning of recorded history. It's like two mirrors facing each other, repeating the same image endlessly. I think VBM should face this from a position of logic and not allow his emotional response to this new revelation to outweigh what his mind already knows to be true.

 

1. That his wife can lie to his face for years without giving away her true motives.

2. That his wife is an admitted narcissist who has a proven track record of putting her own selfish desires over the good of her husband/family.

3. That she has cheated on him with at least three people. The OM, her EA partner from years ago and the Vegas stripper.

4. That she professed her undying love and devotion to the OM in their final goodbye call post D-Day in which she sounded like an obsessed teenager and painted VBM as an over bearing father figure keeping her from the 'bad boy' lover she desired.

 

His wife and therapist appear to be hinting to VBM that she may have some kind of reverse Madonna/wh**e complex where she craves being 'used and degraded' sexually by others(ex cons/strippers) but can't bare to be seen that way by the father of her children. If so I really don't see that as any less awful than if she had just had a 'regular' affair. People fall in and out of love/lust but somebody who has spent the past thirty years keeping a secret life hidden from their spouse is a whole nother ballgame. How could he ever be sure if it's the ex-con loving/amateur stripper or the house wife/loving mother that is the 'real' her?

[eric1]

Being on MyFreeCams for three years is more of a manifestation of a kink. I know MFC okay enough (I'm on another forum where the guys discuss it frequently). MFC means she's done a significant amount of Internet porn. MyFreeCams also does not allow couples sex, which is a good sign I guess if you're looking for a positive takeaway.

[m.snow]

I think we can find some solace in this truth even though it is a very sad truth.

 

She was psychologically scared because of rape at a tender age of 11.

She may even have a split personality a different consciousness lurking inside her head.

 

Since then we have talked for 4 days straight and have gotten little sleep and little food. I'm sure that is playing into my shaking right at the moment.

 

VBM get some sleep/rest & eat well.

 

get a prescription for some stress relief or sleeping pills.

get some anti depressants while your at it.

(take care in using meds don't drink with alcohol)

 

baby steps VBM, take of yourselves first. before dealing with this revelation.

 

Yes take of you and your wife's health get some rest & get something to eat.

 

I keep telling myself she has a mental illness and you don't leave a spouse because they are ill, you stand behind them and help them get better. It would be no different than if she had cancer or any other serious illness. Am I wrong in this thinking?

 

No you are definitely not wrong. I firmly believe that as a good husband it is our duty to support our Wives in there time of need. Yes, she has a sickness and needs unwavering support!

[minimariah]

VBM, my point is your wife knew about her kink before she married you but chose to hide it from you.

 

eeehhhhhhh... can we really call it a kink with her background...?

 

it's tricky with abuse. takes time for a victim to admit that abuse to herself/himself... let alone others. maybe she didn't recognize the "kink" being the consequence of her abuse.

 

victims deal with their pain the only way they know how. it takes time to recognize and "correct" that.

 

VBM, you can always ask for a 2nd opinion with a counselor/therapist of your choice if it comes to that.

[Seachan]

VBM, my point is your wife knew about her kink before she married you but chose to hide it from you. She allowed herself to cheat on you with men and women but never spoke to you about her issues. She chose deception over truth. She would still be deceiving you had you not found out. She needs serious help, years of it but that doesn't mean you have to be married to her. How do you right so many wrongs without starting new? Marry her with the knowledge that she is broken, help her, she deserves to be healed but it should be your choice and without the cloak of deception. The imbalance can never be corrected in this marriage, this requires a new marriage with everyone being aware of all circumstances, the love is already there. A marriage built on lies that require more lies to sustain it can never last. Build a new one that has love and honesty as it's foundation. They last a lifetime.

 

Not so sure VBM's wife *knew* about her kink. It's possible she repressed memory of the abuse and the kink was triggered later years into the marriage. If you read about trauma based mind control, you find that the victim can create a split self to compartmentalize and *forget* about the abuse. The separation is so complete that one persona often is totally unaware of the actions of the other persona.

 

I did bring up CSA earlier in your thread, VBM, because this seems to come up all too often with WS's who love their BS's and wish to R. I have a suspicion that my own WS mother had been abused.

 

If she was aware of the CSA, the shame mixed with the *pleasure* of the CSA probably makes her feel like she had been complicit to her own abuse as an 11 year old. That would bring feelings of self-disgust. No wonder she would block out the experience and never speak of it.

 

I'm so sorry that you and she are facing this pain. At least you know without any doubt that you were *NOT* to blame for her A. CSA victims frequently *act out* the abuse as a way to reconcile their split selves. And although it is true not all CSA victims commit infidelity to cope, others may turn to drugs, or may avoid sex with their spouses altogether because doing so triggers memories and horrors of the abuse.