Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Hope Shimmers]

Its Pschology 101 Hope, not rocket science. BTW lots of abusers are very smart people and don't show their true colors right away. Ditto lots of very smart women don't see the red flags that were present from day one. As well, lots of smart women prefer to be blindsided rather than make the connection they will then need to deal with.

 

I actually took psychology 101, or rather the equivalent of it, (and then completed a minor in the subject), so I get it, and no, it's not rocket science by any means.

 

The point is that we can't use our childhood (or past) issues as a free pass to get us out of insane stuff like this. Because if that was the case, the generations before us would all have been a complete mess. The fact is, most of them were stronger than this generation. They had to be.

 

Lots of smart people on all ends of the stick have to re-evaluate and think about their lives at times. There is no one reason why people make the choices they do in life. It is infinitely complicated - for all of us. Now enough of a thread jack. Thanks!

[merrmeade]

Hi VBM,

 

I'm sorry it's so big and so hard now for both you and your wife, but then I'm sure there's a LOT of relief from just the freedom of being - finally - completely transparent. And a lot of genuine deep bonding as a result.

 

There are lots of opinions on what to do with this new information about your wife's past. I'm just going to skip over that because it's kind of weird to me - even people who revealed similar experiences. Some said they understood and were approving of giving her support and understanding or they judged it from their ability to survive. It's good to learn about this and realize such a range of outcomes are possible, but everybody's background and individual makeup is different. There's no comparing.

 

I'm just glad you started out hearing about this in a psychologist's office. Your wife's illness is what it is.

 

Either way, it's there, and will be overwhelming for a long time to come. I just want to say to you, VBM, that, even though it's very clear that you are committed to doing everything you can to support her right now, I just want to say that - if LATER you realize you can't do it, if it's more than your own constitution and needs can handle - there's no shame in taking a break. None. I know you'll try right now. So would I. But no one will fault you if you can't keep up with it later. Just tuck that little idea of self-permission away somewhere to reconsider later.

Edited July 28, 2015 by merrmeade

[eric1]

VBM said she got tokens. Are the tokens actually worth money or is it just a "like" button type thing?

 

Yes, you purchase tokens for money. There are other variables but generally if a token costs $1 then they keep half and the site gets half.

 

The more popular girls can make appx $40k/month.

[eric1]

VBM,

 

When she first went to meet her boyfriend, the dynamic was that she was doing this for tokens. Was any money exchanged? Even if she was doing it for 'fun' (dubious at best) after two or three years it would have been kind of expected that certain things occur for certain prices.

 

I do think that you are toeing an ethical line that I personally would not be comfortable with by not letting her ex-boyfriend's wife know what is going on. There are some prostitution elements here, and I doubt this is his first time at the rodeo so to say. What I'm getting at is this poor woman could be exposed to all sorts of STDs, etc without knowing about it, and literally the only person in the world who can help her is you.

[Dutchman1]

Is having sex, giving live sexshows for money( tokens) prostitution?, and is the motivation of seeking a thrill out out off it not a completely different matter?

 

Dutchman 1

[eric1]

Is having sex, giving live sexshows for money( tokens) prostitution?, and is the motivation of seeking a thrill out out off it not a completely different matter?

 

Dutchman 1

 

Not necessary, but when those two worlds collide then there is a possibility of a prostitutey-like relationship.

 

So this guy has a been paying her to masterbate, talk dirty to him, etc for some time. He and she then decide to meet up in real life. The grey area that was just created between those two things is what I'm referring to.

 

The guy wasn't reaching out to someone he met on match.com. He was reaching out to someone who performed sexual acts for money.

[merrmeade]

Hey VBM, have you been to IC yet? And do you think it will give you what you ned to undertake this bizarre, new journey with your spouse? I hope this and other pertinent questions are raised about how it will affect you, what you will need and how you should proceed.

 

One other thing I wanted to mention: That post by drifter (drifter?) about his wife's gambling addiction, well, about addiction — that was really just about the most helpful post you've gotten since the IC d-day imho. I just wanted to point out that, with your wife's narcissism you've got kind of a different genus of homo sapiens here and, no matter what she says or you think she understands, everything goes through a wildly different filter. You MUST read that post again and discuss at IC how to prevent relapses and stop enabling.

 

Good luck, dear man.

[Furious]

VBM

 

I'm reminded of being on an airplane and the safety instructions before take off.

 

Always put your oxygen mask on first before attempting to help the person next to you.

 

As difficult and selfish as it sounds to it makes sense to save yourself first. For co-dependants, often the instinct to be the rescuer, the strong one, is a hard habit to break.

 

As much as I feel empathy for your wife and the abuse she suffered, she has demonstrated that she won't gift you the freedom and oxygen you deserve. Sometimes the greatest act of love is setting the one you're hurt free but your wife will never do this for you. I'm sorry, I just think she has once again manipulated you into saving her in exchange for not saving you.

[autumnnight]

Thinking of you today VBM, and hoping you are taking some time off the crazy train to collect yourself and find a professional who is objective and has both yours and your wife's best interests at heart.

[bigman1]

I am making a point that there is a distinction between truthfulness of claims of CSA and truthfulness of what VBM's wife said about how she hooked up with OM.

 

Do victims of CSA act out in sexually inappropriate ways? Yes. Do All? No. Do some turn to exhibitionism and rape fantasies? Yes. Do All? No. The list goes on.

 

Now the big issue. Does the truthfulness of VBM's wife's claim about CSA make her story of how she hooked up with OM true? No. She could have been abused and still lied about the Om story.

 

1. She reports CSA and suddenly she goes from habitual liar and cheat to saint who clearly was suffering from her abuse. Her CSA claims instantly became credible. Her story of how she met OM instantly became credible. her tales of other affairs instantly became credible.

 

2. Her story of how she met OM still is one of the most fantastic stories ever told. The whole location blocking yet she met someone from nearby anyway doesn't sound suspect? Abused or not, that part of the story is the most unbelievable.

 

To the doubters out there, when she allegedly was blocking "locations", well, that involves IP addresses. Look it up. That is a side issue. As far as statute of limitations on CSA, it is State Law dependent. Many States have expanded it for CSA due to how victim's can be so traumatized that they may not disclose until years later Most likely it has run on her abuse.

 

This whole issue can be resolved by her showing VBM her login info and her entire cam history. For those that use other web based business applications, she can give him access to her "dashboard". That will clear it up.

[eric1]

Why would someone use a VPN to block his location? It really does not make sense. Even if you do, it's not like myfreecams gives out people's address. It gives stuff like "North America". That feature is 100000% there to protect the performers, more for peace of mind.

 

There is no reason for a viewer to do it unless he's literally hunting for a needly in a millions of persons haystack. And the service that her boyfriend would have used isn't even usually free. It's $20ish a month, which seems like a pretty steep cost to use to view girls who you couldn't even meet anyways.

 

It's not like it's ashley madison or adult friend finder. The regional block options are literally "north east" or, as specific as possible, by state.

 

I am very well versed with myfreecams and chaturbate. I literally have never heard of someone using a VPN to mask their location with the hopes of meeting a girl. Moreso, even if I did, the odds that that single person would then find one of the girls would have odds approaching impossible.

[eric1]

Sorry for the barrage of questions this morning. I'm waiting for an install and stuck here doing nothing

 

Did you bring up the nude picture that you found on her phone?

[minimariah]

1. She reports CSA and suddenly she goes from habitual liar and cheat to saint who clearly was suffering from her abuse.

 

just because she came clean & faced her abuse -- doesn't mean that she suddenly became a saint. as soon as VBM wrote the abuse story, you immediately took it in the "awww, poor she!" direction. being abused does not make you any kind of saint -- it makes you a victim of abuse. abuse is not an excuse & it's simply something that EXPLAINS a lot of patterns, behavior -- it is the root of problems.

 

also, not every victim deals with abuse the same way. it depends a lot on your character and life circumstances. some act out, some go on to live a very normal lives.

 

2. Her story of how she met OM still is one of the most fantastic stories ever told.

 

i honestly cannot figure out what is unbelievable in that story to you. if you're a proescutor -- i'm sure this story isn't even in the top 50 most unbeliavable stories you have heard.

 

To the doubters out there, when she allegedly was blocking "locations", well, that involves IP addresses.

 

again -- you can go around that.

 

This whole issue can be resolved by her showing VBM her login info and her entire cam history.

 

this actually isn't a bad idea -- that is, if her account isn't deleted already. & i'm sure VBM already though of it.

 

VBM, you can decide to divorce your W & still be by her side as a friend. helping her doesn't mean that you have to stay married to her -- you take care of you first.

[salparadise]

The way I see it is that slicing and dicing the particulars isn't going to help VBM, although it does make for tantalizing discussion. He knows what the situation is now and his decisions about the future do not hinge on tiny nuances of how, why, this or that detail.

 

VBM, you absolutely do need to get a good highly qualified therapist because you have a lot to work through. As bad as the child sexual abuse was for your wife, you now have fresh wounds of a different nature to deal with yourself.

 

You need to figure out what you can accept and what you cannot, whether you can have a healthy, loving, respectful marital relationship with her under the best or worst scenario, and perhaps whether you are willing and able to subjugate your own needs (for the rest of your life) to try and stand by her.

 

If your values and beliefs do not align with the circumstances it may not be possible. It's complicated. It may take some time to figure out. But I believe that you should assess all of this as objectively as possible and not assume that saving it at any cost is automatically the right answer. You are not obliged to dedicate your life to her issue.

 

This is not the same as if she had come down with some awful illness after many years of successful marriage. You were deceived from the beginning as to her fitness to be the spouse she pretended to be. She was leading a double life and it only came to light because you discovered the evidence.

 

Your life and happiness are valuable too. A piece of you was taken unfairly, just as what happened to her was unfair and not of her choosing. But the deception was of her choosing, regardless of being wounded and needy. Nobody here can tell you what's right for you, and figuring that out for yourself is likely to be a painful process. The first priority is you, because you can't take care of anybody else unless you take care of you first. I hope you'll find exactly the right therapist to help you recover your life and be as fulfilled as possible in the future.

 

All the best to you-

[bigman1]

Wow. Minimariah, please refrain from quoting me out of context and omitting the selected parts of my posts so as to change the meaning. Still, that is collateral to the issue.

 

Now, as to her deleting her account. Nope. These are web based financial transactions on a porn site. That data is not getting deleted for a long time, if at all, many reasons. One serious reason is that they need to maintain the records in case they find out that minors were being forced into cam shows for profit. They would track down the folks paying for it and look to see where the money went to catch the perps. It is readily available. Either she can log in or they can ask the site operators. Additionally, that she may have been about to post the photo VBM found suggests that it she was still active. More investigation is needed.

 

To end the collateral debate about CSA, let me re-state my ultimate issue: Let's assume that she was abused and still suffering from it and needs help. Now, is her story about how she (1) met and (2) hooked up with OM true? It does not matter if it is plausible, my question is whether it is true?

 

Secondly, does the fact that she has lied about so much call her credibility into question on all of her claims, both the abuse and the affairs?

 

The best way for these questions to be answered is found on the sites and account history. Did she only communicate with him via the site? Thast would make no sense. As a result, comparing her email history to him, phone records to him with the site chat history and payment records with him would be prudent. Even if he was hiding or cloaking his true IP location, it would still show that she was speaking to someone at the same time, etc.

 

Paper trails or in this case, computer trails are easy to follow when you know who the parties are and where they are. She is point A and OM is point B.

[aliveagain]

No worries man. We met young, both virgins. She blossomed after we were married and is definitely out of my league since. We started with nothing but I've done alright financially but the stress and hard work has taken it's toll on me. We are both in great shape but she has lived a very easy life and she looks 15 or more years younger than I do even though we are the same age. I don't think she gets how hard you have to work in this world to have what we have or the amount of daily BS and stress there is. All she see's is the money roll in.

 

VBM, you have known her most of your life, how can she have hidden so much from you, a complete second life? She has never been honest with you, everything is a lie right from the beginning. What about your children, are you going to include them in this because this is huge.

 

VBM, I am not down playing the fact she has been raped and abused, this goes further than that. Most of your lives together she has run the show, she was very self centered and controlling, as you posted, she manipulated you and still is in my opinion.

[fellini]

It seems to me to be pretty much moot to be discussing the OM and the particulars at this point. WS lied, was caught lying. OP set into play what he wanted to do about that, and has been doing this (in spite of people continuing to tell him to divorce).

 

The nude pictures have started off a new course of action. I think it is rather unfair of people to re open the OM can of worms because the information that OP gained from the nude pictures puts his entire marriage in a different light, and is not about all the pages and pages and pages of presumption and intuition and assertions and blind predictions that ensued: Basically you pretty much all got it wrong.

 

What VBM needs is guidance, not more plying apart the past. He needs information on how to move forward with all of this. And I think he is doing the right thing by going to experts (i.e. not continuing to put much credence on the LS spinning his brief update. Listen to what he said about his past week. Respect what he has said about their time together and the quality of their relationship EVEN after all that has been said and done.

 

You have your rights to continue to goad him and trigger him and push him into your agenda, but shame on you for doing so. And stop saying things like "I am helping him by telling him things he doesn't want to hear". Maybe that helps some of you sleep at night, but I think there are too many people overly invested in their obviously incomplete knowledge about all the subjects that are now on the table. And a little humility might be better served at this point.

[beach]

Wow. Minimariah, please refrain from quoting me out of context and omitting the selected parts of my posts so as to change the meaning. Still, that is collateral to the issue.

 

Now, as to her deleting her account. Nope. These are web based financial transactions on a porn site. That data is not getting deleted for a long time, if at all, many reasons. One serious reason is that they need to maintain the records in case they find out that minors were being forced into cam shows for profit. They would track down the folks paying for it and look to see where the money went to catch the perps. It is readily available. Either she can log in or they can ask the site operators. Additionally, that she may have been about to post the photo VBM found suggests that it she was still active. More investigation is needed.

 

To end the collateral debate about CSA, let me re-state my ultimate issue: Let's assume that she was abused and still suffering from it and needs help. Now, is her story about how she (1) met and (2) hooked up with OM true? It does not matter if it is plausible, my question is whether it is true?

 

Secondly, does the fact that she has lied about so much call her credibility into question on all of her claims, both the abuse and the affairs?

 

The best way for these questions to be answered is found on the sites and account history. Did she only communicate with him via the site? Thast would make no sense. As a result, comparing her email history to him, phone records to him with the site chat history and payment records with him would be prudent. Even if he was hiding or cloaking his true IP location, it would still show that she was speaking to someone at the same time, etc.

 

Paper trails or in this case, computer trails are easy to follow when you know who the parties are and where they are. She is point A and OM is point B.

 

If there's an easy trail then why wasn't it discovered by the private investigator? How could something this big be overlooked by someone - VBM had said if she sneezed the PI would know. And if she is A and Other man is B ... Is it possible there were other B's she communicated with directly from that site? It's probable...especially if she loves the attention.

 

How many points of B are there? When did she use the site last?

 

It bring up a whole new host of questions.

[minimariah]

Wow. Minimariah, please refrain from quoting me out of context and omitting the selected parts of my posts so as to change the meaning.

 

i didn't quote you out of context & i didn't change the meaning of your words. i understood your points correctly - when i quote different parts of someone's post... it is to make the discussion more simple + reading easier instead of writing sheets of pure text without addressing one point at a time.

 

and again -- why do you find the story about the way VBM's W met her OM so hard to believe...? as a prosecutor, aren't you used to unbelievable stories in your career....?

 

Secondly, does the fact that she has lied about so much call her credibility into question on all of her claims, both the abuse and the affairs?

 

of course -- but it doesn't mean that she had lied about the abuse, too. abuse victims who develop disorders lie about... well, everything. it doesn't make their abuse any less real.

 

The best way for these questions to be answered is found on the sites and account history. Did she only communicate with him via the site?

 

VBM already said she had others viewing her on the site & that includes communication.

[eric1]

It seems to me to be pretty much moot to be discussing the OM and the particulars at this point. WS lied, was caught lying. OP set into play what he wanted to do about that, and has been doing this (in spite of people continuing to tell him to divorce).

 

The nude pictures have started off a new course of action. I think it is rather unfair of people to re open the OM can of worms because the information that OP gained from the nude pictures puts his entire marriage in a different light, and is not about all the pages and pages and pages of presumption and intuition and assertions and blind predictions that ensued: Basically you pretty much all got it wrong.

 

What VBM needs is guidance, not more plying apart the past. He needs information on how to move forward with all of this. And I think he is doing the right thing by going to experts (i.e. not continuing to put much credence on the LS spinning his brief update. Listen to what he said about his past week. Respect what he has said about their time together and the quality of their relationship EVEN after all that has been said and done.

 

You have your rights to continue to goad him and trigger him and push him into your agenda, but shame on you for doing so. And stop saying things like "I am helping him by telling him things he doesn't want to hear". Maybe that helps some of you sleep at night, but I think there are too many people overly invested in their obviously incomplete knowledge about all the subjects that are now on the table. And a little humility might be better served at this point.

 

While I wouldn't be happy with people trying to goad him, I respectfully disagree. His head is likely a big jumble of "what should I do?". What he's doing by posting here is effectively crowdsourcing the brainstorming portion of this process. Some of it may be difficult for him to hear, but hopefully he'll get some takeaways and perhaps other aha! moments, good or bad.

[minimariah]

VBM already said she had others viewing her on the site & that includes communication.

 

just to address it, i understood wrongly -- i think VBM already knows about the ways she had communicated with the OM.

[autumnnight]

I'm trying to figure out exactly how a PI is supposed to have "discovered" that a woman was raped for 4 years beginning at age 11 OR discover something that was done online in the past.

 

PI's follow people around.

 

Her past does not excuse cheating, but to ignore her past or worse, act like she is "hiding behind" child rape, is, quite frankly logically and therapeutically ridiculous. I don't care what PhD'ed psychologist said so, 4 years of child RAPE is not irrelevant. Period.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I've read some of your posts but I'm not in a state of mind today that I can respond. Maybe tomorrow I will be better and I can answer all your questions.

 

Thanks for all the thoughts and support.

[beach]

I'm trying to figure out exactly how a PI is supposed to have "discovered" that a woman was raped for 4 years beginning at age 11 OR discover something that was done online in the past.

 

PI's follow people around.

 

Her past does not excuse cheating, but to ignore her past or worse, act like she is "hiding behind" child rape, is, quite frankly logically and therapeutically ridiculous. I don't care what PhD'ed psychologist said so, 4 years of child RAPE is not irrelevant. Period.

 

I didn't say the PI should have uncovered her childhood trauma - I asked why he didn't find her massive activity on the free cam site?

[autumnnight]

I didn't say the PI should have uncovered her childhood trauma - I asked why he didn't find her massive activity on the free cam site?

 

Did he know to look? How would he have found it? Did he know her username?