Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[beach]

I look at it much more simply

 

1. WW had something horrible happen to her as a kid. She is a victim

2. WW did something horrible to VBM completely independent of #1. VBM is a victim

3. It's important to keep the two seperate. VBM can help her heal but also decide that her completely conscious betrayal of him (and continued trickle truth) is probably more than the marriage can bear. Or he can decide to stay together. Her betrayal is one of the worst that I've heard, and he's still with her.

 

Just want to clarify... VBM can not help her heal. It's up to HER to do that work.

 

Can he be supportive of the process she intends to go through = yes. Is he capable of doing it or helping her do it? Nope.

 

The healing process is only up to her. She may get through it quickly or it may take her years and years to get to the other side of the trauma.

Edited August 3, 2015 by beach

[VeryBrokenMan]

If there is anyone out there happens to read this before they cheat I would tell you it's not worth it. It just hit me today how much devastation and turmoil that her affair has caused both of us. I simply cannot believe that it's worth it in any way for either spouse. We are at the first year anniversary of a lot of the things she did and as we pass through each day it brings up terrible memories. It makes me really angry that she brought all that into our life. I can't even look at a calander the next couple of months because I know I will be triggered because all the dates are floating around in my head.

 

Someone please tell me it gets better after the one year anniversary!

[Horton]

Unless there's something I'm not aware of it seems the only 'evidence' of her new found sincerity that you have are.

 

1. Her lie detector test results.

 

When you took a lie detector test you posted that you had passed the test while lying on the questions and you basically dismissed the entire process as a bunch of unscientific nonsense. Now that your wife has taken one and it lines up with what you wish to be true (that she's told you about all of her affairs/that she loves you and not the OM/that she's no longer lying to you) you've seemingly accepted HER lie detector test results at face value.

 

2. Her word.

 

Would you advise a friend of yours in the same position to place blind faith in the word of somebody who has consistently shown them that they'll lie to them in order to get what they want?

 

3. Her counselor's word.

 

Her counselor is not beholden to you at all. Only to her own client would she feel any sense of obligation to. If you dropped dead tomorrow her counselor's only concerns would be. How will this affect my client? Will her next check bounce?

 

 

 

I'm not saying I think you should get a divorce VBM. All I'm saying is don't kid yourself about what this is. It's possible your wife really has had a change of heart, but you have absolutely nothing of substance to verify that position. So if you've decided that you're in this for the long haul you need to accept the very real possibility that you're being played again. If you decide to stay with this woman you're gonna have to become a 'glass is half empty' type of person solely out of self preservation.

Edited August 4, 2015 by Horton

[66Charger]

If there is anyone out there happens to read this before they cheat I would tell you it's not worth it. It just hit me today how much devastation and turmoil that her affair has caused both of us. I simply cannot believe that it's worth it in any way for either spouse. We are at the first year anniversary of a lot of the things she did and as we pass through each day it brings up terrible memories. It makes me really angry that she brought all that into our life. I can't even look at a calander the next couple of months because I know I will be triggered because all the dates are floating around in my head.

 

Someone please tell me it gets better after the one year anniversary![/QUOT

 

It will get better now, because you have changed your course and therefore your future.

There is no fog left. None of the constant defending. You are where you should have been last November.

 

BTW, your post on other threads are COMPLETELY different then before. You are becoming unbroken. Perhaps you should just accept it. Accept that this marriage is over. Rebuild another later if you wish, but enough with the mind movies. Enough with the triggers. Enough with the defending.

 

Enough.

Edited August 4, 2015 by 66Charger

[understand50]

If there is anyone out there happens to read this before they cheat I would tell you it's not worth it. It just hit me today how much devastation and turmoil that her affair has caused both of us. I simply cannot believe that it's worth it in any way for either spouse. We are at the first year anniversary of a lot of the things she did and as we pass through each day it brings up terrible memories. It makes me really angry that she brought all that into our life. I can't even look at a calendar the next couple of months because I know I will be triggered because all the dates are floating around in my head.

 

Someone please tell me it gets better after the one year anniversary!

 

VBM,

 

It does. Takes time. On the date of her ONS, I still, after 40 plus years think about it, but I do not dwell on it. Some years, I do not think about it all. That is my point. You are a strong man, just decide, that I will not let this get me down and move on. It is up to you. I think after the second year I did not really let it bother me. Still remember it happened. I just decided not to make it a special day and dwell on it. This last year, I thought about it more then most, and I put it down to me writing about it on LS. Writing on LS can be helpful, but it does keep the wound alive or reopen them. I tend to go shooting on the day, or hiking, or sometimes, wife and I go on a trip together. Depends on the cash situation.

 

BTW, I would also talk to Ann, if you are able. I am sure the calendar is not going to be her friend as well. You both have come trough so much, letting a "day" control you seems silly in the end. It is just a day, just a date. This is not to make light of your pain, or say that this is all easy. I just wanted to remind you what you are fighting for, and to put this in context. Or in the context of "my" reality.

 

If you had divorced, I do not think the pain for what she did would be lessened, just added to the anger, loneliness, and pain of separation, and having to deal with the fall out with your children, family and friends. Keep that in mind, may help.

 

I wish you peace of mind.

[autumnnight]

VBM, I will continue to pray for you and for your family. My heart just breaks in so many directions.

 

It breaks for you. You were betrayed in such a terrible way, and it has gone on for so long and in so many directions. And when you want to keep your marriage, everyone has an opinion. And when you want to divorce, everyone has an opinion. And yet YOU are the one who has to live it. It breaks for your wife. These choices will be part of her forever. And now she has shared something from her past that DOES matter and that I know all too well the pain of....and all I can say is thank God she doesn't read LS. There's just so much hurt in so many directions.

 

But one thing I do know...YOU are one of the few BS's I have ever read about for lots of pages who I think actually has a chance of making it (no matter your choice) and NOT being defined by it or being compelled to become a crusader whose life revolves around it.

 

Good for you

[RightThere]

Someone please tell me it gets better after the one year anniversary!

 

You get more numb to it as time passes. That is for sure.

 

It only gets "better" as you rebuild your life and replace a lot of the bad memories with good ones.

 

I have to say the destruction your wife has caused is massive. I'm sure she is very broken inside. I know my STBXW was similar in that way. Probably one of the hardest quotes I read and had to come to grips with was this:

 

"There is a story behind every person. There's a reason they are the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them."

 

As a guy, that last line is still the hardest for me to process. I want to try and fix everything. But sometimes it truly is impossible.

[aliveagain]

If there is anyone out there happens to read this before they cheat I would tell you it's not worth it. It just hit me today how much devastation and turmoil that her affair has caused both of us. I simply cannot believe that it's worth it in any way for either spouse. We are at the first year anniversary of a lot of the things she did and as we pass through each day it brings up terrible memories. It makes me really angry that she brought all that into our life. I can't even look at a calander the next couple of months because I know I will be triggered because all the dates are floating around in my head.

 

Someone please tell me it gets better after the one year anniversary!

 

VBM, even in year 4, it still hurt deep. This is even after I kicked her cheating a$$ out. It takes a long time just to get to indifference, it took me three betrayed relationships(one live together girlfriend, one engagement and one marriage) to get to zero tolerance. Everyone looses when it comes to infidelity, specially the children. You've got to be one fu*ked up individual to believe that infidelity is good for your marriage, you've really got to be really fu*ked up to actually do it.

[drifter777]

If there is anyone out there happens to read this before they cheat I would tell you it's not worth it. It just hit me today how much devastation and turmoil that her affair has caused both of us. I simply cannot believe that it's worth it in any way for either spouse. We are at the first year anniversary of a lot of the things she did and as we pass through each day it brings up terrible memories. It makes me really angry that she brought all that into our life. I can't even look at a calander the next couple of months because I know I will be triggered because all the dates are floating around in my head.

 

Someone please tell me it gets better after the one year anniversary!

In and of itself, time heals nothing. The hard fact is that you have to do the work to heal yourself whether that is with a counselor or simply following your head and heart. Life is hard and things like infidelity happen to lots of people. I think it's one of those horrible life experiences that you never "get over". It's difficult, but I think if you're true to yourself and follow your path that you can find some peace and learn to live with it.

[merrmeade]

There is no fog left. None of the constant defending. You are where you should have been last November.

That's the way it seemed to me, too, VBM. Getting the truth cannot be underestimated. This milestone frees us to act. The stasis of incomplete information, yet sensing there is more, is far worse.

[DIFM]

Someone please tell me it gets better after the one year anniversary!

 

My experience on getting better is guided by the 70/30 formula. Meaning, the time it takes to reach a contented and comforting state of reconciliation is determined by:

 

70% - The BS actions of sincere and genuine remorse and contrition

30% - Passage of time

 

Time passage is much less critical to getting to a happier place than are the actions and state of mind of the cheating spouse. A year gets some couples to that better place, due to the efforts and mindset of the BS. Some, after 20 years, still suffer because of the lack of remorse by the BS.

 

It need not be a life sentence if the BS is 100% invested in owning 100% of their actions and has the strength and will to be selfless and contrite without limits of time.

 

I think most want to forgive and move on. Once we decide to try to reconcile, we want to move on. The ability to do the moving on is significantly tied to the ability and desire of the BS to demonstrate a limitless amount of remorse, contrition, selflessness, and love.

 

If the BS is in the "right" place, time is less of an issue. If the BS has issues that keep them from doing and being all those things I mentioned above that they need to be, time is a poison.

[drifter777]

My experience on getting better is guided by the 70/30 formula. Meaning, the time it takes to reach a contented and comforting state of reconciliation is determined by:

 

70% - The BS actions of sincere and genuine remorse and contrition

30% - Passage of time

 

Time passage is much less critical to getting to a happier place than are the actions and state of mind of the cheating spouse. A year gets some couples to that better place, due to the efforts and mindset of the BS. Some, after 20 years, still suffer because of the lack of remorse by the BS.

 

It need not be a life sentence if the BS is 100% invested in owning 100% of their actions and has the strength and will to be selfless and contrite without limits of time.

 

I think most want to forgive and move on. Once we decide to try to reconcile, we want to move on. The ability to do the moving on is significantly tied to the ability and desire of the BS to demonstrate a limitless amount of remorse, contrition, selflessness, and love.

 

If the BS is in the "right" place, time is less of an issue. If the BS has issues that keep them from doing and being all those things I mentioned above that they need to be, time is a poison.

And so when you say BS (betrayed spouse) you mean WS (wandering spouse) right?

[DIFM]

And so when you say BS (betrayed spouse) you mean WS (wandering spouse) right?

 

Oops, big error on my part. If I could edit it I would. WS should be in place of the BS in every place it is referenced. Much apologies as I would never want it to be construed that the Betrayed Spouse (BS) is responsible for those things.

[road]

Oops, big error on my part. If I could edit it I would. WS should be in place of the BS in every place it is referenced. Much apologies as I would never want it to be construed that the Betrayed Spouse (BS) is responsible for those things.

 

You can ask the mods to fix it.

[66Charger]

A small bit Better today?

[66Charger]

The question must be asked.

 

Is Anns 31 years with VBM, which includes 1 om, 1 OW and porn, worth forgiveness?.

[DIFM]

The question must be asked.

 

Is Anns 31 years with VBM, which includes 1 om, 1 OW and porn, worth forgiveness?.

 

Forgiveness is really a gift you give yourself to unburden you from the toxic effects of insisting on undoing a thing that cannot be undone. When you forgive, you let go of attachment to changing a thing that can never be changed. Forgiveness is more for the BS than the WS benefit because forgiveness has nothing to do with not insisting on a set of requirements that the WS must live by if they want to move forward with R. You can forgive and divorce.

 

The confusion with forgiveness is that to forgive does not mean you then have have to stay with the WS or that the WS does not have obligation to abide by any new agreements. If he wants to stay with her if she proves a new ability to hold steadfast to the acts of remorse and contrition that she promised to show, then it may work. Forgiveness frees both parties to make the best decision for themselves as to whether is it best to stay in an R or not.

 

Anything can be forgiven, but it does not remove the WS from accountability and obligation to do what the BS needs them to do if they want to R.

[autumnnight]

Is Anns 31 years with VBM, which includes 1 om, 1 OW and porn, worth forgiveness?.

 

This is a question only VBM can answer, and a respectful person will respect HIS answer.

 

Or are you really asking if Ann is worth anything?

[bigman1]

At the risk of starting a debate wherein the OP does not participate, I want to respond to the question of forgiveness. While it is VBM's choice, I strongly believe that the answer is "yes".

 

Forgiveness is separate from remaining married. If he remains married, he is going to have to forgive to avoid bitterness. If he divorces, he's going to have to forgive to avoid bitterness. The timing of forgiveness depends on the person. It is generally easier the less one feels the pain of the act that is subject to forgiveness.

 

Actually, of all of the things that are at issue in any relationship plagued by infidelity, I think that forgiveness is the one thing that must happen. Ending the marriage is something that I think ought to happen in about 90% (unscientific) of the cases.

[autumnnight]

At the risk of starting a debate wherein the OP does not participate, I want to respond to the question of forgiveness. While it is VBM's choice, I strongly believe that the answer is "yes".

 

Forgiveness is separate from remaining married. If he remains married, he is going to have to forgive to avoid bitterness. If he divorces, he's going to have to forgive to avoid bitterness. The timing of forgiveness depends on the person. It is generally easier the less one feels the pain of the act that is subject to forgiveness.

 

Actually, of all of the things that are at issue in any relationship plagued by infidelity, I think that forgiveness is the one thing that must happen. Ending the marriage is something that I think ought to happen in about 90% (unscientific) of the cases.

 

This is a very very wise perspective, and I agree with everything you just wrote.

[understand50]

The question must be asked.

 

Is Anns 31 years with VBM, which includes 1 om, 1 OW and porn, worth forgiveness?.

 

This is a question only VBM can answer, and a respectful person will respect HIS answer.

 

Or are you really asking if Ann is worth anything?

 

 

Autumnight,

 

This is so spot on. It is up to VBM, not us a "Group" what Ann is worth to VBM. Myself, or 66Charger, could put the same question forward to other BS's, or WS's. Ann's whole life does not have to be defined by this one part of her.

 

Here is a thought experiment. Assuming VBM and Ann break up, is she worth any man dating and marring her, assuming she gets the help she needs to overcome her issues? Is she to go into a convent, and leave the world for her sins?

 

If you follow the argument, of course the answer would be "yes" she would be worth another man perusing her and having a relationship. She would bring a lot to the table. Her sin would not be with the "new" man, so they can start fresh. AS VBM has stated, she cannot go back and undo what she has done, all she can do is work to show that she knows the pain and hurt she caused, and work on a loving, honest, and truthful new marriage.

 

So it follows, that VBM may find that the 31 years of marriage, the children they had together, the family they have, and the life time of good and bad memories out weight pain and hurt from her infidelity, as they are backed up with remorse, honesty, and her own actions going forward. They can start fresh, and have a new marriage.

 

As for VBM forgiving Ann, that is his, and his alone, decision. We should respect it, for the loving, strong and manly action that it is. I think he has forgiven her, his struggle right now is living with the memory of what she did to him, their marriage, and to herself. That is something that he will have to come to terms with, but for myself, I just remind myself what I gained by being with my wife, and what the future holds. If there is a future together, it is worth staying together. The question that should be asked of VBM and Ann is:

 

Does VBM and Ann have a strong expectation of a good, loving marriage with each other going forward?

 

We have examples on Love Shack, of couples that have reconciled. They seem to be happy and OK with their decision, for the most part. This can end well, and we should be rooting for it.

 

The best, to both of them.

[aliveagain]

All we can do is point out our observations, things that VBM may not have seen because he is so close to it. We have been where he is, many of us have gone through trickle truth, many of us have experienced our wayward spouse's taking their affair underground after being discovered. When VBM was writing about the fact that his WW was doing all the right things, being no contact, getting independent counselling. Many questioned her last call to O/M and her ability to drop him so fast. We brought up the many points that didn't make sense, how they met, O/M's bad boy police record, she was going into the same business as O/M and was these her only two affairs, was she telling VBM all the truth? We got into huge debates about polygraph testing.

 

What VBM didn't know, because his wife continued to keep secrets from him was she and other man shared a life VBM had no knowledge of. This secret was hers and other man's, how do you go through reconciliation with someone who shares a secret life with her lover after telling you that you now have all the truth? VBM was so anxious to get his life back to normal, he believed everything his wife was telling him, something many cautioned him against because she is after all a master at lying.

 

That was our role, point out things that he should guard himself against, things that don't make sense, things that just don't add up based on our own experiences, the decision is always his to make in the end. VBM has a very hard decision to make and he doesn't deserve to be in this situation but he is. This is not about what is the right or wrong decision, this is about what VBM has to do to make his life whole again because he doesn't have much fun in it at this time. How do you trust someone that did this to you and your children. What does he have to do to bring balance to his life?

Edited August 7, 2015 by aliveagain

[autumnnight]

He explained that the final call was his idea.

 

Where did VBM write that the OM knew about the child rape and trauma?

 

I'm not saying whether this couple should reconcile because it is not my place.

 

I am saying that the lines drawn on this thread are exactly the same and with the same players as on every other infidelity thread (WW BH thread, that is, the WH BW threads are typically less populated), which means most of the time what we post has - at its core - very little to do with an OP and more to do with OUR life experiences.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'll be honest and say I'm really struggling with the stay or go decision. And I really don't think any of the new information has anything to do with those struggles. I'm having a really hard time because of the anniversaries that are passing each day and the reality of what happened.

 

We had a long talk a couple of nights ago and it was one of the first where neither of us got emotional about the subject matter. She started off by telling me how disgusted she was with herself and how big a failure she thinks she is at what she allowed to happen. That is a synopsis of what actually took her several minutes to describe to me. It was heartfelt and sincere to the core. And that set the tone for the remainder of the talking.

 

I'm not sure I've shared some of this or not in the past but my wife was an avid reader of romance novels and "fifty shades of gray" type material. She had read tons of that type fiction leading up to the affair and she admitted that BDSM was/is a huge fantasy for her.

 

One of the things she said that really struck me is that as the affair progressed she just "went along" with what the OM wanted to "please" him. That prompted me to ask if it was much like a submissive BDSM relationship. When she agreed to meet to dance, on one hand she was terrified but on the other excited. We talked about BDSM and her being submissive and she says that is not what she was thinking but subconsciously she might have been thinking that. But each step of the way she gave into what the OM wanted. She is devastated that she made those choices.

 

We talked about her feelings for the OM and there are none. She said she was relieved on dday because the affair was over, regardless of whether we stayed together she did not want to have anything more to do with him. She said physically he was disgusting and not even in the same league with me in any category. Her attraction was based on how dominant he came across. I assume this is the "bad boy" attraction that so many women gravitate toward. We talked about how that "bad boy" in me was lost when I became a father and she became the mother of my children. She fully gets how that affected us both and does not want to be married to a "bad boy". That is just what fueled the affair and allowed her to be submissive. She said she would not trade me for anyone she has ever met.

 

So the talk that evening was a really good one but the next morning we both woke up really early and started talking when we were not fully awake. She said something that triggered me(I can't even remember what) and things went downhill from there in a huge way. We agreed later in the day to never talk after going to bed or early morning.

 

So we are still moving ahead and I'm taking it one day at a time and I'm committed to stay until after all the anniversary are past in October. We both promised each other to try to stay together a year and I honor my commitments. She is 100% committed to saving our marriage and is doing everything possible to get me there. I'm doing everything I can do to deal with my anger and resentment and join her. It's by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

 

P.S. I've read all your posts, I just don't really have anything to add to the discussions.

[drifter777]

I'm wondering if she is pursuing treatment for her urge to show her naked body to strangers. I understand your desire to compartmentalize that part of this thing as not associated with the infidelity issues but not many people would agree with you.

 

Getting through the anniversaries before making further decisions makes sense to me for a man as devoted to WW and marriage as you are. I don't remember if you are in MC but it seems to me that you could work though your triggers and feelings more constructively in that setting. By that I mean it could help you avoid just white-knuckling it through this time period but not actually processing your feelings.