Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[66Charger]

I dont want to "postjack" VBM last words, but would like to clarify that the question was about the 31 YEARS and only the 31 Years. . It was not what "Ann" is worth.

And forgiveness does not have to include staying married.

 

31 years is a long long time.

[beach]

So your wife is spending time and energy feeling she is ______ or ______.

 

 

Why isn't she spending that time and energy think how YOU must be feeling?

 

Since she's still thinking of herself - she's not helping the marriage to heal.

 

 

She is one selfish woman.

 

 

 

How about you? How about a break from her selfishness? How about you support her emotionally from your own apartment?

 

It's time for YOU VBM...it's overdue that you look after yourself and getting happy on your own.

 

 

She has a year or two of solid work to do on herself. Maybe a break for you is needed - while she sifts through the wreckage of her past.

[DIFM]

So your wife is spending time and energy feeling she is ______ or ______.

 

 

Why isn't she spending that time and energy think how YOU must be feeling?

 

Since she's still thinking of herself - she's not helping the marriage to heal.

 

 

VBM said this of his wife:

 

She is 100% committed to saving our marriage and is doing everything possible to get me there.

 

The "doing everything possible to get me there" implies she is spending energy on him and his pain.

[velvette]

[quote=VeryBrokenMan;6480859

I'm not sure I've shared some of this or not in the past but my wife was an avid reader of romance novels and "fifty shades of gray" type material. She had read tons of that type fiction leading up to the affair and she admitted that BDSM was/is a huge fantasy for her.

 

One of the things she said that really struck me is that as the affair progressed she just "went along" with what the OM wanted to "please" him. That prompted me to ask if it was much like a submissive BDSM relationship. When she agreed to meet to dance, on one hand she was terrified but on the other excited. We talked about BDSM and her being submissive and she says that is not what she was thinking but subconsciously she might have been thinking that. But each step of the way she gave into what the OM wanted. She is devastated that she made those choices.

 

We talked about her feelings for the OM and there are none. She said she was relieved on dday because the affair was over, regardless of whether we stayed together she did not want to have anything more to do with him. She said physically he was disgusting and not even in the same league with me in any category. Her attraction was based on how dominant he came across. I assume this is the "bad boy" attraction that so many women gravitate toward. We talked about how that "bad boy" in me was lost when I became a father and she became the mother of my children. She fully gets how that affected us both and does not want to be married to a "bad boy". That is just what fueled the affair and allowed her to be submissive. She said she would not trade me for anyone she has ever met.

 

.

 

 

Interesting and even more interesting would be to find out whether or not she had these submissive feelings before she was raped or as a result of that experience.

 

 

Most women who are naturally submissive will say they had those feelings for as long as they can remember.

 

 

The reason it is interesting is that in a rape situation, there is only one decision to be made......submit or fight.

 

 

If you survive, you made the right decision. But, if you are submissive and you submit either because your assessment of the situation tells you that presents the best odds for survival or because that is your natural tendency, then the sense that you have betrayed yourself(which will be present in almost all women who survive a rape however they survive) will be magnified.

 

 

The result can be punishing or suppressing that submissive side of yourself.

 

 

But, just like the hurt/rage over the rape cant be pushed down forever, neither can you push down who you really are forever.

 

 

Everything that's gone on may be about reclaiming that part of herself. And, her submissiveness if existed prior to the rape may have played a part in her being targeted which if she realizes that subconsciously just adds to it. Obviously there are better ways to go about that but she had to much shame over it to address it straightforwardly with you.

 

 

She's confusing "bad boy" with dominant. Not the same thing although can seem similar.

[66Charger]

It is unlikely that a child of 11 would have or understand submissive feelings. If she did it would have been taught, therefore, unnatural.

[beach]

VBM said this of his wife:

 

 

The "doing everything possible to get me there" implies she is spending energy on him and his pain.

 

 

But she isn't. That's for sure - since she is still throwing herself a pity party about 'how SHE feels'.

 

Not yet, it's not about how VBM feels!

 

That's why I suggest he put distance between them while she works through HER issues. He can be supportive but have his own personal space to retreat to.

 

While she does intensive trauma therapy she is likely to dig up all sorts of ill feelings about her past - and it's only up to her to process through it to the other side. He can't do that for her - and it's likely to get very ugly for her.

 

Hold her hand through it all? Sure! Be subjected to the madness and mood swings she will endure? No way!

 

Has she started her therapy yet to address all of it VBM?

[autumnnight]

It is unlikely that a child of 11 would have or understand submissive feelings. If she did it would have been taught, therefore, unnatural.

 

With respect, you don't know what you're talking about.

 

Good luck, VBM

[66Charger]

With respect, you don't know what you're talking about.

 

Good luck, VBM

 

With no respect, yes I do

[harrybrown]

I hope you can figure out what you want. Less painful with or without her and would she do this again? (good chance she would) she is not the woman you thought you married.

 

I have been married now for 41 years.

 

The decisions she made you will never forget.

 

I could not do it and stay. I could not let her treat me like that again.

 

I do hope you find some peace. Good luck. i have been reading some from no more friends and also some statements from Affair recovery.

 

How would she feel if you had the A? Has she thought hard about that?

[autumnnight]

With no respect, yes I do

 

I apologize. I thought you were male. I didn't realize you were a woman who had been raped as a preadolescent.

 

I am, and I know EXACTLY what Velvette is talking about.

 

Look, I get it. Ann cheated, which makes nothing else about her matter.

 

But it's nice to see what a gentleman YOU are.

[66Charger]

I apologize. I thought you were male. I didn't realize you were a woman who had been raped as a preadolescent.

 

I am, and I know EXACTLY what Velvette is talking about.

 

Look, I get it. Ann cheated, which makes nothing else about her matter.

 

But it's nice to see what a gentleman YOU are.

 

I am male and I could threadjack and explain to you why I DO know what a child who is raped as a adolescent is like, but I will just say, " you are right Lady only girls are raped or see repeated rape as a adolescent. Good day.

[Hope Shimmers]

I apologize. I thought you were male. I didn't realize you were a woman who had been raped as a preadolescent.

 

I am, and I know EXACTLY what Velvette is talking about.

 

Look, I get it. Ann cheated, which makes nothing else about her matter.

 

But it's nice to see what a gentleman YOU are.

 

Just wow.....

[autumnnight]

I am male and I could threadjack and explain to you why I DO know what a child who is raped as a adolescent is like, but I will just say, " you are right Lady only girls are raped or see repeated rape as a adolescent. Good day.

 

Okay, that is something I did not mean to imply, and I am tremendously sorry for that. Yes, boys can be assaulted too, and sometimes theirvtrauma is even harder.

 

As far as submitting goes, I should have just been specific. I have no idea how boys are, but girls seem to have a "submit to survive" instinct, especially if the perpetrator is a close person. So they aren't necessarily taught to "be submissive." it's more about checking out to get it over with. Which is why sometimes CSA survivors just check out and lie rigid during sex. Or, sadly, sometimes they go the other way into promiscuity or exhibitionism.

 

But yes, boys can absolutely suffer too.

 

Child molesters deserve a special kind of ppunishment

[autumnnight]

I apologize, VBM and charger.

 

I knew I needed to how out and didn't.

 

That 12 year old Autumn reads some of this and says, "see, you ARE a freak, damaged goods, that's why no one wants you. You're tainted and to much trouble."

 

It just hits too close to home.

[Hope Shimmers]

I apologize, VBM and charger.

 

I knew I needed to how out and didn't.

 

That 12 year old Autumn reads some of this and says, "see, you ARE a freak, damaged goods, that's why no one wants you. You're tainted and to much trouble."

 

It just hits too close to home.

 

Autumn, I experienced the same thing you did at that age. Too many of us have. None of it is easy. But if you still are thinking along the 'damaged goods' line, then you need to find help to get out of that mindset because it was NOT your fault.

 

Sorry VBM for the t/j.

[autumnnight]

Autumn, I experienced the same thing you did at that age. Too many of us have. None of it is easy. But if you still are thinking along the 'damaged goods' line, then you need to find help to get out of that mindset because it was NOT your fault.

 

Sorry VBM for the t/j.

 

95% of the time I'm fine, but my secret fan club has rattled my cage lately, and that brings back every bit of shame I've ever felt (which,is the goal). Still, my visceral responses do not help VBM

[turnera]

VBM, so you know, there is a 'form' of submission for some women that has nothing to do with having sex. Many women feel GOOD about having a man take charge, make decisions, appear strong, and just let them...go along for the ride. Think of the little girl's pretend daydream about the knight riding in on the horse and sweeping her up on the back of his horse and riding away to blissfulness. So what she may be describing is that.

[lgspot]

95% of the time I'm fine, but my secret fan club has rattled my cage lately, and that brings back every bit of shame I've ever felt (which,is the goal). Still, my visceral responses do not help VBM

Perhaps it does help VBM see that this is not an easy subject or quick fix.

Sorry this happened to each of you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Perhaps it does help VBM see that this is not an easy subject or quick fix.

 

I absolutely agree that others' experiences may help him.

[lgspot]

I absolutely agree that others' experiences may help him.

 

No child, male or female should endure sexual abuse.

Sadly, no one knows when or how the affects will manifest.

Perhaps you that have been there can indeed help VBM and Ann.

 

Sorry for your experience as well Hope.

[Hope Shimmers]

I hesitate to say this, because everyone seems to want to give her a pardon because of the abuse, but I just have had a huge problem with this because I don't understand how she was married to VBM for 31 years and didn't tell him what she went through. My H knew what I went through before we even became exclusive. What kind of marriage did they have that she didn't share that? Isn't that something you share with the person you are closest to?

 

And I know that about three-fourths of the way through this thread, VBM specifically ASKED her if she had experienced any abuse as a child, and she said No. Wouldn't that have been the perfect opening to discuss it, if she was going to bring it out? Instead NOW she is discussing it, and only because he saw a photo he shouldn't have seen and suddenly she has to come up with a reason for that. And thus all this stuff about being a cam girl and the affairs, and on and on. And who knows what else.

 

VBM said in his most recent post that his wife still says that she was "repulsed" by OM on D-day. How does that explain that last phone call detailed on page 1 of this thread? I just don't get it. There is SO much here that isn't yet out of the bag, and that makes zero sense.

 

My ex-H would NEVER have put up with one shred of this to explain one-tenth of the crap that she has done to this marriage. And I would support him on that 100%. I'm sorry. It's how I feel.

 

If she needs help for her past abuse then she should get it. VBM can't help her with that. He also shouldn't sit around and decide that it justifies any of the mess that she created in this marriage. It doesn't.

[velvette]

It is unlikely that a child of 11 would have or understand submissive feelings. If she did it would have been taught, therefore, unnatural.

 

Sorry, I don't agree.

 

 

She might not understand them fully, but she certainly could have them and they wouldn't necessarily have been taught.

 

 

I know lots of women who identify as submissives and participate in some form of BDSM who have never been taught, abused or raped. They will tell you they had sexually submissive thoughts/feelings from the time they can remember. In other words, their earliest sexual fantasies involved submissive scenarios.

 

 

The problem would be if she was submissively inclined prior to being raped/abused then yes that submissiveness could be exploited and shaped into something that might be unnatural for that person and combined with the personal assault result in a mess for her to unravel in order for her to reclaim her authentic self....including her healthy normal for her submissiveness.

[beach]

I hesitate to say this, because everyone seems to want to give her a pardon because of the abuse, but I just have had a huge problem with this because I don't understand how she was married to VBM for 31 years and didn't tell him what she went through. My H knew what I went through before we even became exclusive. What kind of marriage did they have that she didn't share that? Isn't that something you share with the person you are closest to?

 

And I know that about three-fourths of the way through this thread, VBM specifically ASKED her if she had experienced any abuse as a child, and she said No. Wouldn't that have been the perfect opening to discuss it, if she was going to bring it out? Instead NOW she is discussing it, and only because he saw a photo he shouldn't have seen and suddenly she has to come up with a reason for that. And thus all this stuff about being a cam girl and the affairs, and on and on. And who knows what else.

 

VBM said in his most recent post that his wife still says that she was "repulsed" by OM on D-day. How does that explain that last phone call detailed on page 1 of this thread? I just don't get it. There is SO much here that isn't yet out of the bag, and that makes zero sense.

 

My ex-H would NEVER have put up with one shred of this to explain one-tenth of the crap that she has done to this marriage. And I would support him on that 100%. I'm sorry. It's how I feel.

 

If she needs help for her past abuse then she should get it. VBM can't help her with that. He also shouldn't sit around and decide that it justifies any of the mess that she created in this marriage. It doesn't.

 

 

Thank you for expressing perfectly what I haven't been able to write.

 

Sure, she's had a bad history. But she failed to be honest with her husband d at every turn.

 

He really doesn't know her at all. He may have spent 31-32 years with her - but she's never been honest with him.

 

The old marriage needs to go to the garbage. The future remains to be seen. He still doesn't know what the real her may look like after she deals with all the crap she's been hanging onto.

 

When she sifts through it and let's it all go and faces her fears - THEN and only then will he have a chance to know who she really is.

 

In the meantime it's all up to her.

[velvette]

I hesitate to say this, because everyone seems to want to give her a pardon because of the abuse, but I just have had a huge problem with this because I don't understand how she was married to VBM for 31 years and didn't tell him what she went through. My H knew what I went through before we even became exclusive. What kind of marriage did they have that she didn't share that? Isn't that something you share with the person you are closest to?

 

And I know that about three-fourths of the way through this thread, VBM specifically ASKED her if she had experienced any abuse as a child, and she said No. Wouldn't that have been the perfect opening to discuss it, if she was going to bring it out? Instead NOW she is discussing it, and only because he saw a photo he shouldn't have seen and suddenly she has to come up with a reason for that. And thus all this stuff about being a cam girl and the affairs, and on and on. And who knows what else.

 

VBM said in his most recent post that his wife still says that she was "repulsed" by OM on D-day. How does that explain that last phone call detailed on page 1 of this thread? I just don't get it. There is SO much here that isn't yet out of the bag, and that makes zero sense.

 

My ex-H would NEVER have put up with one shred of this to explain one-tenth of the crap that she has done to this marriage. And I would support him on that 100%. I'm sorry. It's how I feel.

 

If she needs help for her past abuse then she should get it. VBM can't help her with that. He also shouldn't sit around and decide that it justifies any of the mess that she created in this marriage. It doesn't.

 

 

You simply cant apply your own experience to every other victim of child sexual abuse/rape.

 

 

My sister never told her husband she was sexually abused. She never told anyone. I don't think she even remembered it until having her own children triggered her memory.

 

 

Some people push experiences like this down so far that they simply don't tell anyone until something makes it relevant.

 

 

For example, with my sister it was only the prospect of leaving her daughter with my parents while she and her H went on vacation that triggered her memory because she was abused by a grandfather....and not the one in my fathers bloodline.

 

 

This stuff can manifest in so many ways. Children are so inventive in protecting themselves. You simply cant predict or say they should do something or that they are wrong because you would do it differently.

 

 

My H thinks his brother was abused by the same male babysitter that abused him. He actually approached his brother when all this came up. His brother denied it and didn't want to talk about it. I have to say I think my H is right based on lots of things I know about my BIL, but apparently he is taking that secret to his grave.

 

 

You just cant say how other people should handle something so traumatic. You have no idea what informs each persons decision to tell or not tell.

[Hope Shimmers]

You simply cant apply your own experience to every other victim of child sexual abuse/rape.

 

 

My sister never told her husband she was sexually abused. She never told anyone. I don't think she even remembered it until having her own children triggered her memory.

 

 

Some people push experiences like this down so far that they simply don't tell anyone until something makes it relevant.

 

 

For example, with my sister it was only the prospect of leaving her daughter with my parents while she and her H went on vacation that triggered her memory because she was abused by a grandfather....and not the one in my fathers bloodline.

 

 

This stuff can manifest in so many ways. Children are so inventive in protecting themselves. You simply cant predict or say they should do something or that they are wrong because you would do it differently.

 

 

My H thinks his brother was abused by the same male babysitter that abused him. He actually approached his brother when all this came up. His brother denied it and didn't want to talk about it. I have to say I think my H is right based on lots of things I know about my BIL, but apparently he is taking that secret to his grave.

 

 

You just cant say how other people should handle something so traumatic. You have no idea what informs each persons decision to tell or not tell.

 

Velvette, I would never dream to tell other people how to handle a traumatic experience. This is exactly why I hesitated to post, because I knew someone would accuse me of this when it wasn't my intent.

 

What I'm having a real problem with is the fact that now, conveniently, after this photo revealed itself, she can suddenly "pull" that experience out. Do you not see that? If it has been so horrific that she could not deal with it or share it with her husband for the past 31+ years, then it's a bit odd for me to think that all of a sudden, now that she needs to come up with a reason for the photo, that she can suddenly "deal" with it enough for it to come out. I am willing to lay a bet that if that photo never would have shown itself, that VBM would not know about any of this now.

 

I'm just going to shut up, because everyone else wants for this all to work out and I am raining on the parade. Onward, everyone.