Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[understand50]

and how do we know what is the truth? The truth as told by VBM? The truth as relayed by VBM according to his wife? The truth as our perception of the truth?

 

I think this entire thread is completely full of contradictions...so how do we know what the truth is?

 

We can only know what is the "truth", by what VBM has written. Any attempt to "add" by trying to extrapolating to what was written is worthless. One can spin anything into the worst possible story, or they can accept what was written by VBM. Ann told her account to VBM at D day, this was investigated by the PI. The PI is still investigating, and has reported - Nothing.

 

For the striping, the first time was in Vegas, with VBM, who thought is was a hoot. The IC believes that this was here trigger and led her to want to expose herself to strangers. She went back and striped again, and made out with her female friend. For the EA, she has accounted for it, and along with the web cam. She told this with a IC present, and passed (for what it is worth) a polygraph. The rape in her childhood is verified, and backed up by her sister. Does it make perfect sense? No, but I would state nothing in life does. She had deep dark secrets, she has revealed them to VBM. I am sure that was hard. Has she done this thing perfectly? No, but then who does.

 

We do know, from VBM, that she is working on changing and has done everything he has asked for since D-Day. Look, this may not be popular, but it is my opinion that she is doing everything that is possible on her side to overcome her cheating. If we are to say that after cheating there is nothing you can do to try and atone, then all marriages with infidelity should end in divorce regardless of the situation or circumstances. Divorce, will be the only option, so why have this board? There is a defendant animosity against anyone who tries, tried, or succeeded in reconciling.

 

Here is a question to all BS's that divorced their spouse after trying to reconcile. If your spouse, had done all that Ann has done, as reported by VBM, to reconcile, would you be reconciled with your spouse? Assuming that you could accept that they had changed and would be faithful going forward.

 

Here is a question to WS's that reconciled as well. What did you do to repair your marriage? Did your BS accept what you did?

 

The reality of the thread is what VBM reports, no more no less. For the contradictions, people are not logical, people do dum and bad things. If all of life was a text book, it would be dull. Too many here, are trying to impose their experiences on VBM and Ann's story. Not all WS are the "spawn from hell"

 

I wish them both luck going forward, and a good outcome.

[understand50]

and how do we know what is the truth? The truth as told by VBM? The truth as relayed by VBM according to his wife? The truth as our perception of the truth?

 

I think this entire thread is completely full of contradictions...so how do we know what the truth is?

 

BTW, Welcome back missed your take on things. Are we to expect a visit from Mr Adams as well?

[Mrs. John Adams]

We can only know what is the "truth", by what VBM has written. Any attempt to "add" by trying to extrapolating to what was written is worthless. One can spin anything into the worst possible story, or they can accept what was written by VBM. Ann told her account to VBM at D day, this was investigated by the PI. The PI is still investigating, and has reported - Nothing.

 

For the striping, the first time was in Vegas, with VBM, who thought is was a hoot. The IC believes that this was here trigger and led her to want to expose herself to strangers. She went back and striped again, and made out with her female friend. For the EA, she has accounted for it, and along with the web cam. She told this with a IC present, and passed (for what it is worth) a polygraph. The rape in her childhood is verified, and backed up by her sister. Does it make perfect sense? No, but I would state nothing in life does. She had deep dark secrets, she has revealed them to VBM. I am sure that was hard. Has she done this thing perfectly? No, but then who does.

 

We do know, from VBM, that she is working on changing and has done everything he has asked for since D-Day. Look, this may not be popular, but it is my opinion that she is doing everything that is possible on her side to overcome her cheating. If we are to say that after cheating there is nothing you can do to try and atone, then all marriages with infidelity should end in divorce regardless of the situation or circumstances. Divorce, will be the only option, so why have this board? There is a defendant animosity against anyone who tries, tried, or succeeded in reconciling.

 

Here is a question to all BS's that divorced their spouse after trying to reconcile. If your spouse, had done all that Ann has done, as reported by VBM, to reconcile, would you be reconciled with your spouse? Assuming that you could accept that they had changed and would be faithful going forward.

 

Here is a question to WS's that reconciled as well. What did you do to repair your marriage? Did your BS accept what you did?

 

The reality of the thread is what VBM reports, no more no less. For the contradictions, people are not logical, people do dum and bad things. If all of life was a text book, it would be dull. Too many here, are trying to impose their experiences on VBM and Ann's story. Not all WS are the "spawn from hell"

 

I wish them both luck going forward, and a good outcome.

 

Or are the truths merely perceptions as written by VBM ....you see....We have no Mrs VBM to validate or dispute the facts as presented by VBM...

 

We all accept these "Truths" to be facts because we

"trust" that he is being honest and forthright...

 

But does he really KNOW what goes on in his beloveds mind? and is he interpreting what he believes to be truth....and revealing to us those truths?

[understand50]

Or are the truths merely perceptions as written by VBM ....you see....We have no Mrs VBM to validate or dispute the facts as presented by VBM...

 

We all accept these "Truths" to be facts because we

"trust" that he is being honest and forthright...

 

But does he really KNOW what goes on in his beloveds mind? and is he interpreting what he believes to be truth....and revealing to us those truths?

 

Can another really know what went on in a another's mind? I say not, all we can build upon is actions, that can be verified. Your mind is the one place that is always your and yours alone. We also have to take into account that all people will rewrite history, and their memories as well to suit the reality they need.

 

VBM probably knows more about what went on then most BS. You are right, we do not, and will not have Ann to wright about "her" side. We can only go with the filter from VBM.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree....i think VBM knows ANN's mind and story VERY well.....

[JohnAdams]

Can another really know what went on in a another's mind? I say not, all we can build upon is actions, that can be verified. Your mind is the one place that is always your and yours alone. We also have to take into account that all people will rewrite history, and their memories as well to suit the reality they need.

 

VBM probably knows more about what went on then most BS. You are right, we do not, and will not have Ann to wright about "her" side. We can only go with the filter from VBM.

 

Well, VBM has been married to Ann for 31 years, so, he probably has a pretty good idea of what she thinks. This makes it even more difficult to comprehend how he did not know about her secret life.

 

We all have a perception of what happened, be it this case or our own case. Perception is truth to us. Regardless of what really happened, to us perception will always be the truth until something can prove otherwise.

 

In my case, my wife was transparent, she told me all the details. I still had a perception of how things happened that in some cases were not true and only came to light in discussions years later.

 

In our situation, our tragedy happened years ago, and it took years to work through it. From what I understand, your situation was years ago, and though you have moved past it, it still bothers you or you would probably not be on this site. In the case of VBM, most of his life is in his rear view mirror and not in front of him. Does he have enough time to get over it? Though he is doing better, he himself admits to being numb and not feeling love for Ann. So, what is there to save? I certainly wish him well and hope for a full reconciliation, but, sometimes, it is too much too late to ever recover.

Edited August 23, 2015 by JohnAdams

[autumnnight]

Honestly, if I was Ann, no way in hell would I share my story or vulnerabilities online.

[understand50]

Honestly, if I was Ann, no way in hell would I share my story or vulnerabilities online.

 

Yup, I agree with that. So we are left with VBM take.

[JohnAdams]

Honestly, if I was Ann, no way in hell would I share my story or vulnerabilities online.

 

Autumn, I certainly see your point.

 

A couple of years ago, I was posting my story on another forum without Mrs. JA's knowledge. I think I needed to vent, much like VBM. I could be anonymous and pour out my heart without fear. Sure there was a lot of advice and perceptions that were not applicable.

 

After awhile, I did tell Mrs. JA who came on and told her side of the story. Yes, she endured ridicule and unwarranted projections. But, by her doing this, she also made herself more vulnerable to me. It let us more honestly talk about the situation and helped us get it behind us. Also, with her being on, she could see what I posted. So, we were both transparent. So, sometimes it can help each other if you can weed out the noise and bad advice coming from the forum. While it may make you vulnerable, it may also heal.

Edited August 23, 2015 by JohnAdams

[velvette]

It's definitely a f&*ked up kind of love and it is totally selfish, immature, self centered and all those things. People who have never cheated and never will cannot understand the mindset and the complete lack of loyalty.

 

My wife swears that she loves me and like many cheaters feels like anyone would cheat given the right opportunity. She cannot grasp that I would never cheat on her. That is a character flaw at the very least. I've always put a huge priority on being forthright and of solid character when dealing with everyone in my life whether business or personal. I cannot understand the thinking that goes into cheating but what I've learned is that for many cheaters(not all) their love for their spouse is true but because they are so selfish and self centered they don't even consider their spouse when they enter into an affair. The affair is completely about them and living in the moment. So yes they do love you but they love themselves more. In my case my wife is making me the focus and has lost much of the self centered behavior that prevailed in our marriage. The turn around has been nothing short of stunning and that is in large part why I'm sticking around.

 

The other side of the coin is that for whatever reason (I think it's self protection and my IC agrees) I'm not feeling love for her. I'm not angry or even feeling hurt much anymore. I'm just numb and don't really feel any emotions about her. She could tell me was leaving tomorrow and I don't think I'd bat an eye. My IC has explained that basically my emotions for her are on hold subconsciously as we see how the next months and years unfold. Self preservation at it's finest.

 

Not saying your therapist is wrong, but there is another way this plays out.

 

 

We all have a certain amount of currency in our relationships. When two people fall in love, usually they are both mostly increasing that currency with everything they do for each other or together. As time wears on, we deplete that account....a hurtful action here, a negative word there, etc, etc. We add back in with a heartfelt apology or a loving word that makes the other feel good, etc.

 

 

Your wife has broken the bank with her actions. She added back with all shes done the past year, then broke it again. You are running on empty and there is a very real danger of falling out of love with your W if you just sit and wait to see what happens.

 

 

The smarter way to address that imo, is not to wait and see what happens, but to simultaneously rebuild your love as long as you feel she is doing what needs to be done.

 

 

Do what you did when you first fell in love. Spend time together doing things that make you both feel good. It doesn't count that you spend lots of time alone together now that the kids are gone. It has to be time where you are intentionally doing things that rebuild your connection and love. Have fun/good times together and the feelings will likely return.

[Trimmer]

Well, VBM has been married to Ann for 31 years, so, he probably has a pretty good idea of what she thinks. This makes it even more difficult to comprehend how he did not know about her secret life.

Something about this logic seems really circular.

 

You are basing your comments on the premise that since he was married to her for a long period, he must know how she thinks. From this, the rest of your assumptions flow.

 

I question that initial premise, by suggesting (without judgment upon her) that if she kept hidden such a fundamental part of herself with which she clearly struggled for so long, that he definitely does not know "what she thinks." With that as a (seemingly reasonable) premise, speculation about why he didn't know about her secret life becomes irrelevant (because that is, essentially, the basis of the premise.)

[Mrs. John Adams]

If two people have been married 31 years...one would surmise that they should "know" each other pretty well. It is difficult to imagine living in the same home with another person for that length of time and not being attuned to changes or strange behavior....especially when it involves prostitution and infidelity.

 

But having said that....None of us can possibly "know" the inner workings of another person completely...sometimes i don't think we even know ourselves all that well...and things do change...circumstances, situations...life in general...can cause different reactions...unusual behaviors. We grow fat dumb and happy in the comfort of our everyday lives...and we don't notice those things which should be very obvious to us...or if we notice we simply deny that something is awry....so i guess i am not TOTALLY surprised that a husband would not notice that his wife of 31 years is running a pornography business under his nose in the home they share.

 

In this story....we are led to believe that ANN has been quite an actress for all these years...she has portrayed the loving, adoring, doting wife and mother while running a pornography business and performing sex acts with others (because she was molested as a child).

 

and NOW many years later her devoted and loving husband finds out about her secret life..one he had absolutely no clue existed.....this secret life is revealed in layers...like peeling an onion...one petal at a time...each layer bringing tears.

 

It is a captivating story....and the reader gets emotionally involved...hoping...praying for a happy ending...

 

but real life has very few happy endings...

[CarrieT]

The other side of the coin is that for whatever reason (I think it's self protection and my IC agrees) I'm not feeling love for her. I'm not angry or even feeling hurt much anymore. I'm just numb and don't really feel any emotions about her. She could tell me was leaving tomorrow and I don't think I'd bat an eye. My IC has explained that basically my emotions for her are on hold subconsciously as we see how the next months and years unfold. Self preservation at it's finest.

 

VBM, does your counselor suggest that you should wait YEARS to see if your feelings for your wife change?

 

I am honestly curious about that issue. I understand how much you have gone through and have been willing to work through with you wife, but is there the suggestion that you should continue in a marriage where there is no feelings whatsoever?

[oldshirt]

The other side of the coin is that for whatever reason (I think it's self protection and my IC agrees) I'm not feeling love for her. I'm not angry or even feeling hurt much anymore. I'm just numb and don't really feel any emotions about her. She could tell me was leaving tomorrow and I don't think I'd bat an eye. My IC has explained that basically my emotions for her are on hold subconsciously as we see how the next months and years unfold. Self preservation at it's finest.

 

 

 

Does your wife know you feel that way????

 

 

If I heard my wife say that about me, I wouldn't wait months or years to see how things turn out. I'd see no point.

 

 

I suppose if we had little kids, it may be worth seeing if there was a future or things could be turned around, but if I heard her say that and mean it, that would be all I needed to hear.

 

 

Does your wife know you feel that way about her? I know she has the complexities of feelings of guilt that she may be trying to overcome and compensate for, but I wonder what she would do if she knew that was the way you really felt?

[Babs22]

I'm not blind to anything. When an aiplane crashes the cause is always traced back to a series of events that led to the crash. The cause of the crash is always determined to be that initial action. In this case the "crash" never happens if the OM did not call her and start the process of "courting" her. She totally made the choice to cheat AFTER the initial cause due to the intense pursuit of the OM.

 

If the OM never came along she never would have cheated. How else do you explain the 30 years of faithfulness? The process started with the OM's aggression period and I'm not blind to anything.

 

VBM, I commend you for hanging in there with your marriage especially in light of all that you are now aware of your wife doing. I am a MOW in a relationship with a MOM. I noticed what you said about the fact that you blame the OM for your wife's A. I too have been in a relationship with my H for 30 years, married for 21 years so I found your comment above interesting. I had been totally faithful up until 2.5 years ago. I had never thought of cheating. I met my MM at work and I do think he noticed me first and started flirting first. Perhaps, I would not be in an A if he had not. I do remember specifically making the choice to proceed with the relationship. I do not blame the MM for this relationship because I was the one who made a conscious decision to take it to each next level. I was not manipulated to do that. I was capable at any point in time of stopping that from happening. I could have easily shut down his initial flirting, but I liked him and decided to flirt right back. I actually was the one to suggest taking it from flirting to a date. I also was the first to suggest to meet at a hotel. I know you know your wife has responsibility in all this, but I truly think your feelings towards her AP are not warranted. My example alone proves that someone could be faithful for 30 years and still play a major role in starting an A. While her MM played a role in her cheating, it truly is totally on her that she did. Just like it is totally my responsibility that I am in an A. I think in your wife's case, if it hadn't been that OM that she met on line, it would have been another. I do wish you luck in repairing your marriage and hope it all works out for you.

[autumnnight]

Autumn, I certainly see your point.

 

A couple of years ago, I was posting my story on another forum without Mrs. JA's knowledge. I think I needed to vent, much like VBM. I could be anonymous and pour out my heart without fear. Sure there was a lot of advice and perceptions that were not applicable.

 

After awhile, I did tell Mrs. JA who came on and told her side of the story. Yes, she endured ridicule and unwarranted projections. But, by her doing this, she also made herself more vulnerable to me. It let us more honestly talk about the situation and helped us get it behind us. Also, with her being on, she could see what I posted. So, we were both transparent. So, sometimes it can help each other if you can weed out the noise and bad advice coming from the forum. While it may make you vulnerable, it may also heal.

 

This only works if it stays between you and Mrs. Adams. Some people assume your posting on a forum entitles them to insert themselves into your off-forum life.

Edited August 23, 2015 by autumnnight

[JPMC]

didn't work so well with ms and mr compulsive as they are divorcing

[Horton]

I don't think it's a good idea to invite the misses here. I don't see that going well at all.

[Confused48]

VBM, I commend you for hanging in there with your marriage especially in light of all that you are now aware of your wife doing. I am a MOW in a relationship with a MOM. I noticed what you said about the fact that you blame the OM for your wife's A. I too have been in a relationship with my H for 30 years, married for 21 years so I found your comment above interesting. I had been totally faithful up until 2.5 years ago. I had never thought of cheating. I met my MM at work and I do think he noticed me first and started flirting first. Perhaps, I would not be in an A if he had not. I do remember specifically making the choice to proceed with the relationship. I do not blame the MM for this relationship because I was the one who made a conscious decision to take it to each next level. I was not manipulated to do that. I was capable at any point in time of stopping that from happening. I could have easily shut down his initial flirting, but I liked him and decided to flirt right back. I actually was the one to suggest taking it from flirting to a date. I also was the first to suggest to meet at a hotel. I know you know your wife has responsibility in all this, but I truly think your feelings towards her AP are not warranted. My example alone proves that someone could be faithful for 30 years and still play a major role in starting an A. While her MM played a role in her cheating, it truly is totally on her that she did. Just like it is totally my responsibility that I am in an A. I think in your wife's case, if it hadn't been that OM that she met on line, it would have been another. I do wish you luck in repairing your marriage and hope it all works out for you.

 

So what does that say about you Babs? It sounds like you are volunteering to take on the role of a very bad actor. I'm not trying to dissuade you. If that is what happened, if you were that person, are that person, let us know.

 

I'm just not sure VBM's wife is in that same category. I could be wrong.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Confused48

[JohnAdams]

So what does that say about you Babs? Are you a total degenerate? It sounds like you are volunteering to take on the role of a very bad actor. I'm not trying to dissuade you. If that is what happened, if you were that person, are that person, let us know.

 

I'm just not sure VBM's wife is in that same category. I could be wrong.

 

I have to give Babs credit for answering as a WS. While I do not agree with her actions, she is pointing out that often it is not completely the fault of the OM. She played an active role in her affair. Her point is that a WS takes an active role in starting an affair. Ann probably had a more active role in initiating her affair than she is given credit. There is no affair partner so powerful that they can whoo a person without their will.

[Babs22]

So what does that say about you Babs? It sounds like you are volunteering to take on the role of a very bad actor. I'm not trying to dissuade you. If that is what happened, if you were that person, are that person, let us know.

 

I'm just not sure VBM's wife is in that same category. I could be wrong.

 

Confused48, I suppose it says I am a person with broken morals. I was just being honest about the fact that the OW is as much responsible as the OM in the starting of an A. What I described is how it happened, not easy to admit, especially on this forum; however, I wanted VBM to have the perspective of a MOW especially when he seemed to be saying that his wife's A would have never happened if it weren't for the actions of the OM. Obviously, his wife and I are pretty different about a lot of things. I would never go on a website to meet someone or pose naked in pictures or video on a website. That baffles my mind especially when she says she loves VBM. In my case, I never wanted a relationship with another man. It never entered my mind. But then I fell in love with someone I met. Yes, I should have gotten divorced first, I had always said the exact same thing. Regardless, I am fully responsible for allowing myself to get into this A. I don't know how VBM's wife got into her A, but blaming the OM won't help him figure any of this out. She became involved just like I did, through her own free will.

[Confused48]

Confused48, I suppose it says I am a person with broken morals. I was just being honest about the fact that the OW is as much responsible as the OM in the starting of an A. What I described is how it happened, not easy to admit, especially on this forum; however, I wanted VBM to have the perspective of a MOW especially when he seemed to be saying that his wife's A would have never happened if it weren't for the actions of the OM.

..................I don't know how VBM's wife got into her A, but blaming the OM won't help him figure any of this out. She became involved just like I did, through her own free will.

 

This assumes to much. It assumes that all affairs are the same. I think perhaps in you case, correct me if I'm wrong, but perhaps you and your AP were equally draw to the affair. There are, however, affairs that start with one person pursuing the other hotly. One person who has done it before, maybe many times and is skilled in the ways to break down the resistance of the other.

 

It might, or might not be, that a truly moral person with good character could resist even the most skilled predator. That does not negate the fact that there are predatory OM and OW out there. Being pursued by a sexual predator does not excuse the failing of the one that is the pursued. You are right that ultimately there is a choice made by the WS to give in to the predator. To me though, those people that are pursued by a sexual predator are a bit less immoral than those that just fell into an affair without being tricked and seduced. It at least started out against their will. It was in some cases consummated with complete deceit.

 

Is it that you don't want to be considered the worst kind of WS? One with not even a poor excuse for the A? I don't say that to insult you. I understand it is a minor difference. I do see a difference though.

 

I do thank you for your candor. Your perspective is very interesting and valuable.

[merrmeade]

This assumes to much. It assumes that all affairs are the same. I think perhaps in you case, correct me if I'm wrong, but perhaps you and your AP were equally draw to the affair. There are, however, affairs that start with one person pursuing the other hotly. One person who has done it before, maybe many times and is skilled in the ways to break down the resistance of the other.

 

It might, or might not be, that a truly moral person with good character could resist even the most skilled predator. That does not negate the fact that there are predatory OM and OW out there. Being pursued by a sexual predator does not excuse the failing of the one that is the pursued. You are right that ultimately there is a choice made by the WS to give in to the predator. To me though, those people that are pursued by a sexual predator are a bit less immoral than those that just fell into an affair without being tricked and seduced. It at least started out against their will. It was in some cases consummated with complete deceit.

 

Is it that you don't want to be considered the worst kind of WS? One with not even a poor excuse for the A? I don't say that to insult you. I understand it is a minor difference. I do see a difference though.

 

I do thank you for your candor. Your perspective is very interesting and valuable.

And furthermore the subjective perception of the victim or predator can add to or subtract from the roles. For example, without using these words, my H (still broken and counting) doesn't see it as incongruous to consistently characterize himself - a strong, virile (looking) man - as powerless and the aggressive women as predatory without using those words.

[autumnnight]

I could be totally off her, but I think we all characterize a situation in the way we can best get through the crisis initially. Then, later, we can take a look at it more as it really was. Maybe that is why, at least at first, it is sometimes easier for the BS to think of the AP is a predator and the WS as almost a victim of their wiles.

 

If that is the case, then I understand more why some of the posters on this thread have been so tough with VBM. Because they know that the "OM as predator" mindset won't last forever, and it is better to deal with Ann's culpability NOW instead of years from now.

 

I can understand that. It isn't the same thing, but I know there were some things with regard to my very unhappy marriage that I just chose to think of as X, Y or Z because it was the path of least resistance at that time. Then, later, when I realized it actually WASN'T that simple....I had all sorts of latent anger and hurt to deal with, PLUS the fact that I hoodwinked myself into some really wrong thinking.

 

Was Ann's OM a douchebag who saw she was vulnerable? Probably; that is how manipulative people work. But Ann made choices too. And seeing the whole picture is important.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The story told here reveals that Ann had a past EA.... she progressed to participating in video chat and pornography online with other men....She had a lesbian affair....all of this transpired without her husbands knowledge....and All of this happened BEFORE she had an affair with the OM.

 

Why are we discussing whether or not the OM was a predator? This woman was involved in infidelity LONG before she ever became involved with the OM.

 

The woman in this story is not an innocent helpless victim of the OM....she had already willingly participated in several inappropriate relationships long before he came on the scene...

Edited August 24, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams