Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

And there's really no hard evidence that's she hasn't been in touch with her OM since that last phone call.

 

The PI I hired told me after a while (I think it was about 2 months after that last call) that he had found no traces of anything. He's not actively on the case but has put in place measures to identify any contact in the future. I'm not concerned in the least about future contact because I will know it. But more than that, unless she is a total psychopath (and I don't believe she is) she is not lying when she says she wants nothing to do to with him and has no good feelings for him at all anymore. You can hear the disgust in her voice both about what she did and about him. But that disgust has only been around a couple of weeks. If she was acting that would have been there from the start.

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM I think that people see you as a tough guy but I bet if I was to ask your wife she would call you a wimp and a pushover.

 

Actually at the MC the other day she told me that she thinks I'm an ******* a lot of the time even prior to the affair. I've been no angel in our marriage and I fully admit that.

 

To be frank your wife meant to say about your hands on your hips was her way of saying that you're not strong enough to open the jar. While OM is a muscleman... And if there was something in the house at night it would be the wife who had to go check to see if it was a prowler because you are too scared to check.

Also wrong, I'm an adrenaline junkie and I'm pretty much fearless of anything or anybody. Not a fan of AP's with guns however that have threatened my life.

 

While out on a date with your wife waiting in line at a restaurant if somebody sneaks in front of you and your wife you say nothing while most people would put up a fight.When most people aren't affraid to tip the Waitress for a cold meal you're afraid not to tip and instead of leaving a 15% tip you leave a 17%.you're the type of man who will only have one slice of pizza while everyone else had two slices. If I cashier shortchanged you instead of fighting you would say Karma will pay that cashier back. This is all the typical signs of a nice guy even if you think your bad guy.

None of that describes me but why do you continue to push these issues? Is there a point? I respect other people but I have my boundaries. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not a pushover if that is what your getting at.

[beach]

Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that she's actually sorry.

 

From her phone records - she's not sorry she did it. She's sorry she got caught. Big difference. She mainly wants no consequences now that she's been caught... And you're giving her exactly what she wants by being her doormat, still.

She makes your home life all cushy and you have closed your eyes to what she's done to you.

 

 

Did you bring these points up in counseling with her? Did you bring up that her tears are designed to manipulate you as well, and that it's working to her benefit?

[Seachan]

VBM,

 

Maybe your WW's affair fog is lifting - especially since the OM dumped her. That's gotta be a reality check of some sort. And now she's playing nice because she doesn't want to lose you, too.

 

I think the other posters are warning you to not become complacent. There's nothing sadder than hearing of other BS's who work fervently to R, 5 -10 years later show back up on forums with another D-day.

 

I don't know the full story of my own mother's A. But my BS dad stuck with her - raging and triggering for years, mostly at us kids - until at some point in my mid-teens something happened. Maybe another d-day? After that my mother became morose, depressed, and my father became indifferent.

 

Sounds like your work is just begun if you truly want R. My sense is that it is vitally important for your WW to look deep, and face the ugly truths of her life, to understand *why* she chose to cheat. She needs to re-wire her coping mechanisms so that cheating does not become her default mode in times of stress, loneliness, etc. so that she can be a *safe* partner for you. IC apparently helps facilitate this.

 

Question you need to find out: does she have the balls to go through that process?

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM,

 

Sounds like your work is just begun if you truly want R. My sense is that it is vitally important for your WW to look deep, and face the ugly truths of her life, to understand *why* she chose to cheat. She needs to re-wire her coping mechanisms so that cheating does not become her default mode in times of stress, loneliness, etc. so that she can be a *safe* partner for you. IC apparently helps facilitate this.

 

Question you need to find out: does she have the balls to go through that process?

 

I'm not sure she can make it through that process or not. (Or if I can) I'm willing today to take it day by day to see if we can R. Things are changing and she is doing some deep soul searching(as am I). I've pointed out all of bad ways she has treated me and she is not defending herself. She for the most part agrees with my assessments and is very apologetic and I honestly believe that she did not see her actions at the time.

 

As I've said before I'm no angel in this and I've also pointed out my flaws (and I've been willing to listen to her grievances) about how I've treated her. But the end result is we are talking like we never have before. It's clear that if we survive neither one of us is putting up with the others **** and that gives me hope that it can be better. I think to make R work I have to see my failures as much as hers and I'm taking a deep look at myself. And to be honest I've done some really bad things as well in the relationship. No I've never cheated but I have neglected her at times. My IC has really helped me see what has really been going on in the relationship.

 

Her grievances with me are relatively easy to change and I want to change those things. She however has some really deep issues that I just have never realized. Entitlement about her lifestyle and selfishness when it comes to me are at the top of the list. She is not a selfish person in general but in our relationship she has been very selfish culminating with the affair. She has also never been able to talk to me about any of her issues with me and has just let it simmer over a lot of years. The affair may have been the boiling point. Does not excuse it at all, I'm just pointing out what led up to it.

 

So I don't know if this R is going to work out in the end. Most of it depends on her personal growth. But she knows that none of the bad treatment of me is acceptable anymore and I think she truly wants to change. And it goes without saying but I'll say it anyway, she knows without a doubt that I have met with my attorney and he has the papers in hand ready to file if she even so much as smiles at another man. And that is not a threat of any kind it's just the reality that we now live together in.

[HereNorThere]

So now you're taking the blame for her disgusting actions? Man, she's good.

 

[Buckeye2]

She however has some really deep issues that I just have never realized. Entitlement about her lifestyle and selfishness when it comes to me are at the top of the list.

 

This explains all of your wife’s actions. The affair, the contents of her final phone call to the OM, her immediate rejection of your divorce offer in spite of the undying love for the OM and even the mess she has been recently.

 

IT’S ALL ABOUT HER. If you really want her to behave have her sign a post-nup. Given her motivation that more than love or understanding will keep her on the straight and narrow.

 

Think of her as your extremely spoiled teenage daughter and treat her accordingly.

 

Do your kids know what she did?

[VeryBrokenMan]

So now you're taking the blame for her disgusting actions? Man, she's good.

 

 

Not at all. Just taking responsibilty for having a happy marriage going forward. In no way does how I treated her excuse or explain the cheating and she gets that. No doubt the marriage going forward will be on my terms but I'm perfectly willing to meet her needs as well.

[VeryBrokenMan]

This explains all of your wife’s actions. The affair, the contents of her final phone call to the OM, her immediate rejection of your divorce offer in spite of the undying love for the OM and even the mess she has been recently.

 

IT’S ALL ABOUT HER. If you really want her to behave have her sign a post-nup. Given her motivation that more than love or understanding will keep her on the straight and narrow.

 

Think of her as your extremely spoiled teenage daughter and treat her accordingly.

 

Do your kids know what she did?

 

It has been all about her and yes I do think entitlement and selfishness is at the core of the cheating. Post-nup will be on the table and I don't think she will have a problem signing it.

 

The kids/extended family do not know. Not sure how I feel about that yet and it's totally my call. She will have no say in that.

[beach]

It has been all about her and yes I do think entitlement and selfishness is at the core of the cheating. Post-nup will be on the table and I don't think she will have a problem signing it.

 

The kids/extended family do not know. Not sure how I feel about that yet and it's totally my call. She will have no say in that.

 

So no family knows.

 

Why do you want to stay so badly with a woman that cheated on you, still loves this other man and wasn't sorry she did this to you?

 

I'm left wondering why, for you? What are you afraid of?

 

What does it mean when you say she's done soul searching? What has she learned about herself/ her deficiencies? How will she change herself?

Edited January 29, 2015 by beach

[VeryBrokenMan]

So no family knows.

 

Why do you want to stay so badly with a woman that cheated on you, still loves this other man and wasn't sorry she did this to you?

 

I can imagine that WW's say all kinds of things they don't really mean when they are in the fog. Most BS's don't get the level of detail that I have but I feel pretty sure that every WW says the same type of things. Again, the crime is cheating period. You can't really make the crime worse by the words you use or how it plays out. Frankly I'd be more surprised if a WW did not say all those things to her lover.

 

I'm left wondering why, for you? What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything really. Certainly not of being alone or any type of thinking that I could not replace her. I know that women after a certain age are much more interested in a man that can provide for them over looks or anything else. I'd have no problems attracting the women that had reached that point in their lives. And I've had attractive women be very attentive to me in the past(and no I never once cheated) and I know I'd have my pick if that is what I chose.

 

I think the "why" is I'm thinking more big picture as well as the fact I love her. We have three children, all adults and expect to have grand-kids at some point. I choose to try to forgive and keep that family intact. Holidays would be a nightmare. I'd potentially lose the friendship of her brothers, sister and extended family which is important regardless of who they saw as at fault. And I'm a realist and I know that with any women I'd choose, her or anyone else, I'd have to put in a effort to be what they needed and to make it successful. With her I have a known quality. And no her qualities are not the best right now but they are known. So I know what I'm getting so to speak. And as a bonus she is an amazing beautiful, sexy and fit girl who looks at least 10 years younger than I do. We have a ton of things in common and are totally compatible. The sex has always been great(even now) and I'm certain all of the things she's done in terms of using sex as a weapon/reward are over.

 

What does it mean when you say she's done soul searching? What has she learned about herself/ her deficiencies? How will she change herself?

She realizes she has the problem(I think). She has identified along with her IC reasons why she treats me as she does and accepts them and has apologized.

 

We were really in this whole marriage thing blind and neither one of us was putting any effort into the other. But she gets how good overall I've been to her and how devoted I was to her and our children. She often says that I did not deserve any of this and I'm a good man. And she tells me I have always been good to her.

 

And above all we are BOTH willing to change. Anyone calling for her head needs to realize marriage and reconciliation simply cannot be a one way street regardless of what she has done. As my IC has said, marriage is not for the weak, it's tough, it's ugly and sometimes you have to be selfless.

 

Even given extreme grievances against you sometimes you have to put away your pride, step up, be a man and an adult, be the better person and give your spouse a chance to make things right. The ball is clearly in her court, what she does with it is up to her. So I plan to be selfless but expect nothing less from her. Time will tell if she has that in her. If she reverts to selfishness... then it's over. And if that happens no one will fault me for giving it a second chance, or call me a cheating whore or anything other that a decent guy who made the wrong choice in a wife. She will have to live with all those labels and more. And I don't think she believes that any of our children or her family will condone her behavior in the least.

 

So my thinking today is that I'm going to let my character shine, I'm going to give her the second chance, I'm going to be selfless for a while and do my part. But I'm going to expect drastic changes and I'm not going to tolerate what we had. That marriage is dead.

Edited January 29, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan

[aliveagain]

Brutal post nuptial is a must. The wealthier I get the more handsome women find me, who would have ever thought that? You can have an amazing life with or without her, it really is your call just protect yourself. She has shown you who she is and if you decide to not believe her you deserve everything you get from this day forward.

[HereNorThere]

A slight correction:

 

You're going give her a 10th chance or so. The second chance would have been when she was already busted, but still telling OM how much she loved him and wanted to be with him over you.

 

I guess you can't fault her though. I'm sure your home is much more cozy than the box she almost went with.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Brutal post nuptial is a must. The wealthier I get the more handsome women find me, who would have ever thought that? You can have an amazing life with or without her, it really is your call just protect yourself. She has shown you who she is and if you decide to not believe her you deserve everything you get from this day forward.

 

I agree on all counts. Post nup will happen after things calm down.

 

The second time she cheats will not be painful again, at that point it will be a relief.

 

But I don't think it can ever get to the point where she would cheat ever again. Because the marriage will be over well before one of both of us is not happy to the point of cheating.

[Buckeye2]

I know that women after a certain age are much more interested in a man that can provide for them over looks or anything else.

 

From the TV show House:

 

Wilson: People change, House.

 

House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

[VeryBrokenMan]

A slight correction:

 

You're going give her a 10th chance or so. The second chance would have been when she was already busted, but still telling OM how much she loved him and wanted to be with him over you.

 

Again how does what she said make the crime worse?

 

At it's very core the crime is she let another man screw her. What she say's later to him does not really matter to me nor does it make the crime worse in my eyes. When she screwed him she said all those things and more.

[Josmatjes]

From the TV show House:

 

Wilson: People change, House.

 

House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

 

I don't think this goes for everyone. I can't imagine marrying someone for money, and I'm 45. I would only marry for love and companionship. But that's just me, because the truth is that a lot of women don't feel the way I do...

 

And no, I'm not rich....

[VeryBrokenMan]

From the TV show House:

 

Wilson: People change, House.

 

House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

 

Yep. I'm pretty sure after about age 30 to 35 for women it's all about what's in the bank far more than looks or personality by far. And it's may be even younger these days. There are tons of 20 something guys that no motivation or earing potential. That free's up a lot of women for the older successful guys in my opinion. Nothing wrong with why there attracted to you as long as they are.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I don't think this goes for everyone. I can't imagine marrying someone for money, and I'm 45. I would only marry for love and companionship. But that's just me, because the truth is that a lot of women don't feel the way I do...

 

And no, I'm not rich....

 

I agree, not everyone is all about money or comfort, but for many women the security from money is an aphrodisiac. You can love for money too and I'm not sure it matters in the end?

[BetrayedH]

I agree the last phone call was bad, but as my IC pointed out not everyone has inside information like that. The affair was bad, but nothing makes the crime worse in my view. It's just all bad.

 

And all cheating spouses do and say things that the BS would not want to hear. Problem is most BS (even the ones that reconcile) never have that level of information and they choose to forgive anyway. So as I said just knowing more details does not make the crime worse. It's still a crime and that is what I have to forgive to reconcile.

 

I just happen to have the dirt for both that last phone call and months of texts and it's up to me to decide if it's a deal breaker. And it's up to me to decide if the cheating as a whole is a deal breaker and I'm just not sure yet.

 

I'm willing to give it more time. I think we are headed in the right direction.

 

Coassic betrayed spouse fog. Hard to read.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Coassic betrayed spouse fog. Hard to read.

 

Please tell me how that is being in the "fog"? And I'm all ears.

Edited January 29, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan

[Buckeye2]

I don't think this goes for everyone. I can't imagine marrying someone for money, and I'm 45. I would only marry for love and companionship. But that's just me, because the truth is that a lot of women don't feel the way I do...And no, I'm not rich....

 

From the TV show House:

 

Wilson: People change, House.

 

House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

 

That's the point. Once the ovaries dry up it's better to grow old with a nice guy than the hot bad boy. If the nice guy is rich, even better.

[BetrayedH]

The PI I hired told me after a while (I think it was about 2 months after that last call) that he had found no traces of anything. He's not actively on the case but has put in place measures to identify any contact in the future. I'm not concerned in the least about future contact because I will know it.

 

Wrongo. Do you have any idea how easy it is to get a prepaid cell phone. Or to disable a keylogger? Or to setup an anonymous email account that doesn't "push" emails anywhere but just requires an internet connection to access (and how easy it is to delete any trace of visits to that site)? It's just plain easy to circumvent any measures that are put into place. WSs get discovered when they get lazy because they think you aren't looking. When they know you're looking, they can easy get around virtually any surveillance that isn't 24/7. Your PI isn't even on the case, bro.

[mikethemechanic]

VBM is it possible that you would like to see your wife in a swinger lifestyle where you can observe.I am being sincere and asking this due to your reluctance to divorcing ww there is insurmountable evidence that she is in love with the other man.yet you do nothing makes me question if a polyamorous lifestyle is what your best suited for. There are societies were women have more than one husband honestly maybe this would suit you better.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Wrongo. Do you have any idea how easy it is to get a prepaid cell phone. Or to disable a keylogger? Or to setup an anonymous email account that doesn't "push" emails anywhere but just requires an internet connection to access (and how easy it is to delete any trace of visits to that site)? It's just plain easy to circumvent any measures that are put into place. WSs get discovered when they get lazy because they think you aren't looking. When they know you're looking, they can easy get around virtually any surveillance that isn't 24/7. Your PI isn't even on the case, bro.

 

I'm comfortable with what we have in place.