How much can you forgive flaky communication skills?

[Standard-Fare]

I give everyone a free pass with being flaky every once in a while with returning emails, texts, voicemails. But I have a friend who is very consistently flaky and I'm wondering the best way to handle it.

 

She often drops out of contact, doesn't respond to specific questions that require an answer, etc, to the point where you assume it's deliberate and wonder what game she's playing. This isn't just with me - it's known as a part of her personality. But I'll give one recent example that typifies her behavior:

 

We had plans for a Friday night. I texted her on my way to meet her and she told me her schedule had changed, and she couldn't hang out anymore. Fine. I texted, "Let's try again same time next week," and she said, "Sounds good!"

 

The next Thursday night, I checked in "We're still on for tomorrow, right? Same time same place?" No response. Midday Friday, I tried to call -- no answer, so I texted again: "Hey - what's going on for tonight? Let me know because I'll make other plans if you're busy." No response.

 

In the meantime, I could see that she was actively posting on Facebook and Pinterest, so obviously she a) was using her phone and b) wasn't too busy to respond. By 5 pm I concluded I wasn't going to hear from her so I made other plans.

 

We've had experiences like this before where I've called her out on it later, and/or asked if something's wrong, and she always says something like "Don't be silly! I just didn't have my phone on me!" or whatever. Accuses me of overreacting.

 

Other people accept this behavior as "Just who she is." But I'm sick of that. It's rude and disrespectful and I don't see any other choice but to stop trying to be friends with her. Am I wrong to arrive at this conclusion?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I give everyone a free pass with being flaky every once in a while with returning emails, texts, voicemails. But I have a friend who is very consistently flaky and I'm wondering the best way to handle it.

 

She often drops out of contact, doesn't respond to specific questions that require an answer, etc, to the point where you assume it's deliberate and wonder what game she's playing. This isn't just with me - it's known as a part of her personality. But I'll give one recent example that typifies her behavior:

 

We had plans for a Friday night. I texted her on my way to meet her and she told me her schedule had changed, and she couldn't hang out anymore. Fine. I texted, "Let's try again same time next week," and she said, "Sounds good!"

 

The next Thursday night, I checked in "We're still on for tomorrow, right? Same time same place?" No response. Midday Friday, I tried to call -- no answer, so I texted again: "Hey - what's going on for tonight? Let me know because I'll make other plans if you're busy." No response.

 

In the meantime, I could see that she was actively posting on Facebook and Pinterest, so obviously she a) was using her phone and b) wasn't too busy to respond. By 5 pm I concluded I wasn't going to hear from her so I made other plans.

 

We've had experiences like this before where I've called her out on it later, and/or asked if something's wrong, and she always says something like "Don't be silly! I just didn't have my phone on me!" or whatever. Accuses me of overreacting.

 

Other people accept this behavior as "Just who she is." But I'm sick of that. It's rude and disrespectful and I don't see any other choice but to stop trying to be friends with her. Am I wrong to arrive at this conclusion?

 

There's another thread I came across the other day,

Something to do with the reasons why modern dating is in disarray,

Most of these girls claim their phone was dead or they didn't read it in time,

but they grab their phone instantly when they hear that text chime!

 

EDIT:

So my advice to you is take it how it is,

Seems she's a flake, can you understand and deal with this?

If she's anything than a friend to you,

I suggest you cut ties, and find someone new.

[preraph]

There are flaky people. What I look for is whether they are miraculously able to be dependable and on time for some people and not others. If so, I'm not going to be pursuing them if they've deprioritized me to the point of rudeness but are capable of being responsive.

 

Meanwhile, when she changes plans on you like that example, don't reward her by offering to make new plans. Only reward her when she's being considerate or you are just encouraging her to be bad. I mean, from her perspective, it doesn't bother you a bit - you are still eager to see her despite the shoddy treatment.

[whichwayisup]

Other people accept this behavior as "Just who she is." But I'm sick of that. It's rude and disrespectful and I don't see any other choice but to stop trying to be friends with her. Am I wrong to arrive at this conclusion?

Just stop making plans to hang out with her. Stop calling her or texting her. Focus on your other friends who are more reliable. If she asks to get together, say no, thanks, maybe another time. Do that a few times then maybe she'll ask what is up and then you can tell her what's bothering you. If she doesn't notice, then you know she's a casual friend, not someone you can count on or rely on.

[Standard-Fare]

Our friendship is decidedly "casual" already. At most I can expect to see her twice a month. Although we've had periods of being closer in the past during our 8 or so years of friendship, this dynamic is reasonable now because she's a mom and she's busy. I also can accept that she has a naturally flighty personality.

 

I know we both really enjoy each other's company when we do spend time together. But I don't know if she realizes that our relationship these days consists of only me putting in the effort, and her often being flaky, noncommittal, or flat-out ABSENT in response. Obviously this situation is not satisfying for me, and it can't continue, but I don't know if it's worth having some serious sit-down conversation about. I'm not sure she'd take well to it.

 

I might just do as one of you suggested and stop trying altogether. I'm sure at some point she'd notice/care, but she is not the type who would confront me and get "into it." We'd both just let the friendship go. It saddens me but that might be the only answer here.

[Sugarkane]

I'm surprised other people put up with her behavior. I've cut off a co worker and re connecting with old friends for the same reason.

[Standard-Fare]

My friend ended up getting back to me about the incident I described above where she dropped out of contact. She claimed she wasn't receiving calls or texts for a few days due to some glitches with a new phone, and asked me for a "rain check."

 

I don't even know if I believe her excuse. As I said, I've seen her actively posting on social media at times when I know she doesn't have access to a computer. That suggests her phone has been working just fine, but who knows.

 

She didn't come back at me with a specific suggestion for another hangout, so I'm not going to be the one pushing it. It's her turn to put the effort in. But I already know she won't, so I imagine this is the start of a long period of no contact for us.

[freestyle]

I normally avoid cliches---but this one works in this case...

 

"Never make someone a priority, who treats you like an option."

 

The quote is usually applied to romantic relationships, but it can apply to friendships as well.

 

 

I've been down that exact same roads with a handful of friends over the years, so I can relate to the frustration.

 

The best advice I can give, is to save your emotional energy, & time for friendships that are more reciprocal.

 

If you don't want to completely cut her out, you can reframe your expectations of her---Accept that she'll be a flake, & only invite her outing that involve other friends, that way, you're not relying on her to follow through. (and an evening won't be wasted, waiting around on her...)

[writergal]

I give everyone a free pass with being flaky every once in a while with returning emails, texts, voicemails. But I have a friend who is very consistently flaky and I'm wondering the best way to handle it.

 

She often drops out of contact, doesn't respond to specific questions that require an answer, etc, to the point where you assume it's deliberate and wonder what game she's playing. This isn't just with me - it's known as a part of her personality. But I'll give one recent example that typifies her behavior:

 

We had plans for a Friday night. I texted her on my way to meet her and she told me her schedule had changed, and she couldn't hang out anymore. Fine. I texted, "Let's try again same time next week," and she said, "Sounds good!"

 

The next Thursday night, I checked in "We're still on for tomorrow, right? Same time same place?" No response. Midday Friday, I tried to call -- no answer, so I texted again: "Hey - what's going on for tonight? Let me know because I'll make other plans if you're busy." No response.

 

In the meantime, I could see that she was actively posting on Facebook and Pinterest, so obviously she a) was using her phone and b) wasn't too busy to respond. By 5 pm I concluded I wasn't going to hear from her so I made other plans.

 

We've had experiences like this before where I've called her out on it later, and/or asked if something's wrong, and she always says something like "Don't be silly! I just didn't have my phone on me!" or whatever. Accuses me of overreacting.

 

Other people accept this behavior as "Just who she is." But I'm sick of that. It's rude and disrespectful and I don't see any other choice but to stop trying to be friends with her. Am I wrong to arrive at this conclusion?

 

No, you are not wrong to arrive at this conclusion: it IS disrespectful and it IS rude. She doesn't value your time or who you are as a person. She is extremely dismissive of your feelings and that would be enough evidence for me to to drop her friendship for your own peace of mind.

 

I've had "friends" like this who would do exactly what your friend does and I refused to be treated that way. Those types of people tend to be very shallow and put people into two categories: the priority friends and the option friends. The option friends are people in their life they use for back-up or void-filler placements. They have no problem back-tracking or cancelling at the last minute on their option friends because they aren't that invested in the option friendship to begin with.

 

If a friend doesn't serve a positive purpose in your life, they are NOT your friend. She doesn't serve a positive purpose in your life. She undermines your self-confidence with her dismissive nature. Instead of taking ownership of her actions, she places her guilt back on to you, by accusing you of over-reacting. You are not over-reacting. You have boundaries and common sense and when someone crosses those boundaries with sh*tty behavior, it's appropriate to call them out on that sh*tty behavior. If they act like a brat and defensively accuse you of over-reacting that's your validation that you were right to call them out. If she truly cared about your feelings she would apologize and not repeat her flake-out, dismissive behavior. She wouldn't dismiss your feelings and continue to treat you like a doormat.

 

Do yourself a favor: drop this friend from your life. I guarantee she won't notice when you stop communication with her. And if you are all out with a mutual circle of friends, just ignore her. She doesn't prioritize your friendship, so really, you've lost nothing by dropping her friendship from your life. It's un-acceptable, her behavior!

[Standard-Fare]

I normally avoid cliches---but this one works in this case...

 

"Never make someone a priority, who treats you like an option."

 

The quote is usually applied to romantic relationships, but it can apply to friendships as well.

 

 

I've been down that exact same roads with a handful of friends over the years, so I can relate to the frustration.

 

The best advice I can give, is to save your emotional energy, & time for friendships that are more reciprocal.

 

If you don't want to completely cut her out, you can reframe your expectations of her---Accept that she'll be a flake, & only invite her outing that involve other friends, that way, you're not relying on her to follow through. (and an evening won't be wasted, waiting around on her...)

 

Excellent advice, thanks.

 

It does make me really sad to give up on a friend, but the incident I've described here is one of MANY similar ones throughout the past couple of years, and who needs that BS?

 

I also feel bad that I'll be dropping out on her without explaining, but again, I don't think a confrontation would go over well here. It almost seems too "heavy" for our style of friendship. Too emotional, too demanding. Just gotta let it go and hope we'll still run into each other from time to time.

[writergal]

My friend ended up getting back to me about the incident I described above where she dropped out of contact. She claimed she wasn't receiving calls or texts for a few days due to some glitches with a new phone, and asked me for a "rain check."

 

I don't even know if I believe her excuse. As I said, I've seen her actively posting on social media at times when I know she doesn't have access to a computer. That suggests her phone has been working just fine, but who knows.

 

She didn't come back at me with a specific suggestion for another hangout, so I'm not going to be the one pushing it. It's her turn to put the effort in. But I already know she won't, so I imagine this is the start of a long period of no contact for us.

 

I call bullpucky on your friend's lame excuses about not receiving calls or texts! That's a lot of poo my friend! Rain check my butt! If she's active on social media when she doesn't have access to a computer, she's using her cellphone.

 

What more evidence do you need that she doesn't value your friendship in her life? You're an option. Not a priority. She's a jerk. I think you should just drop her from your circle of friends and invest in other people who value your time and your friendship in their life. Who value you as a priority.

[freestyle]

Excellent advice, thanks.

 

It does make me really sad to give up on a friend, but the incident I've described here is one of MANY similar ones throughout the past couple of years, and who needs that BS?

 

I also feel bad that I'll be dropping out on her without explaining, but again, I don't think a confrontation would go over well here. It almost seems too "heavy" for our style of friendship. Too emotional, too demanding. Just gotta let it go and hope we'll still run into each other from time to time.

 

You're quite welcome---

 

And I agree, if it's only a casual friendship, a confrontation would only create pointless drama, & sour feelings. A slow fade might be the wisest choice.

 

I can also relate to the guilt feelings, (and it's a sign that you're a conscientious , caring person) but considering the dynamics , & established behavioral patterns, there's no need to feel bad about walking away from someone who has repeatedly let you down.

 

If you can still enjoy each other's company, without expectations, in the long run, that will be a beautiful thing....

[Standard-Fare]

I call bullpucky on your friend's lame excuses about not receiving calls or texts! That's a lot of poo my friend! Rain check my butt! If she's active on social media when she doesn't have access to a computer, she's using her cellphone.

 

What more evidence do you need that she doesn't value your friendship in her life? You're an option. Not a priority. She's a jerk. I think you should just drop her from your circle of friends and invest in other people who value your time and your friendship in their life. Who value you as a priority.

 

I really don't think she's like an awful person, or that she thinks of me as dogsh*t.

 

I just think she has no real awareness of how her flakiness affects other people, including those who go above and beyond in their efforts to be her friend. Which means she's self-absorbed to the point of being inconsiderate. Which means... I give up.

[writergal]

I really don't think she's like an awful person, or that she thinks of me as dogsh*t.

 

I just think she has no real awareness of how her flakiness affects other people, including those who go above and beyond in their efforts to be her friend. Which means she's self-absorbed to the point of being inconsiderate. Which means... I give up.

 

People who flake are well aware of their behavior, especially because they are self-absorbed to the point of being inconsiderate. She knows what she's doing. Those type of people are master manipulators. They move people around like chess pieces, within their social circle, to serve a purpose. These people tend to be sought after for their charm, their wit, and their outgoing nature. People revolve around these types because they emit a false sense of comraderie. It's how they draw you in. Once you are "in," they give you some attention and then suddenly out of the blue pull back and that's when you find you've been "optioned." It's how people maintain popularity in social circles. People's roles in the optionizer's life shift more often than the San Andreas fault line in Califonia. You never know quite where you stand with these folk because their attention fluctuates between hot and cold. She may not think of you as dogsh*t, but she certainly treats you that way.

[Standard-Fare]

People who flake are well aware of their behavior, especially because they are self-absorbed to the point of being inconsiderate. She knows what she's doing. Those type of people are master manipulators. They move people around like chess pieces, within their social circle, to serve a purpose. These people tend to be sought after for their charm, their wit, and their outgoing nature. People revolve around these types because they emit a false sense of comraderie. It's how they draw you in. Once you are "in," they give you some attention and then suddenly out of the blue pull back and that's when you find you've been "optioned." It's how people maintain popularity in social circles. People's roles in the optionizer's life shift more often than the San Andreas fault line in Califonia. You never know quite where you stand with these folk because their attention fluctuates between hot and cold. She may not think of you as dogsh*t, but she certainly treats you that way.

 

I agree with this to some degree. But with my friend I don't think it's this big master-minded game of manipulation and control. I really think she's just oblivious and doesn't give any thought/care to the way she affects others. That's not forgivable, either, but I don't think she's being "cunning" with this.

Just selfish.

[Tayla]

reminds me of a line from a movie- the greatest trick the devil

performed was making people believe he didn't exist. your friends' antics are being justified by you, which basically tells alot about you. do not fall prey to a person who really is unreliable. I , like others, need not consider that act forgiveable. the person is though. Let her put action into her remorse, thats the key to forgiveness. so far her flakiness lets her get away with being irresponsible to social friends. you are doing no good in coddling her actions. place her in the social civil circle and leave it at that. she needs to earn your trust and friendship.

[Sugarkane]

I'd cut her off. There are myself and others on this forum who really want to make new friends.

[katielee]

it's so very PA.... I can't stand that. If the answer is no, if you dont' wanna communicate, if you're pissed - just say it? Why is that so hard?

[Standard-Fare]

I honestly think this chick is just so wrapped up in the bubble of her own head and her own internal dramas that she can't see three feet in front of her.

 

I've probed my mind trying to think if there's any reason for her to be mad at me or anything like that, and I've come up with nothing. I don't think it's that.

 

The bottom line seems to be that I'm just not an important feature on her radar, and she gives no thought to how she treats me. Since that doesn't work for me, I have no choice but to give up.

 

I haven't contacted her since the incident I described and have no plans to in the future. I don't think I'll be seeing her for a long time.

[couchcushion]

What will you do if she contacts you? Will you be honest with her?

[Standard-Fare]

What will you do if she contacts you? Will you be honest with her?

 

Sadly, there is very low risk of that happening. Looking back, I realize I've been the only one to initiate get-togethers over the past year or so. And I truly don't believe that's because she dislikes me or doesn't enjoy my company. I wouldn't be dense enough to not pick up on that. I think she just completely takes for granted the fact that I'm always the one doing the lifting.

 

However, in about a week we'll both be attending an event hosted by mutual friends. I'm not going to ignore her or be cold, but I don't plan to engage with her too deeply. At this point I'm focusing on other friendships.

[Standard-Fare]

Unbelievably, this friend, who I will call "The Flake" here, managed to diss me INDIRECTLY this weekend.

 

A mutual friend of ours, "Tara" and I were hanging out Saturday. Tara had heard from The Flake in the morning and she asked me what I thought about doing something in the afternoon with The Flake and her kids. Reluctantly I agreed (seemed better than stirring drama). We brainstormed some kid-friendly activities.

 

Well, afternoon rolled around, and Tara called The Flake to confirm plans. We were about to drive over to The Flake. But The Flake suddenly told her "I'm going to [town an hour away] to visit my brother," adding, "You all could come if you want." This was not a conducive situation for Tara and me to join in any way, so we declined.

 

In one sense it was a relief to see that The Flake's behavior isn't just a unique problem she has with me. In another sense, I can't believe this chick managed to f*ck around with my schedule/expectations yet again, even when I'm not trying to be involved!

[freestyle]

In one sense it was a relief to see that The Flake's behavior isn't just a unique problem she has with me. In another sense, I can't believe this chick managed to f*ck around with my schedule/expectations yet again, even when I'm not trying to be involved!

 

 

While I'm sorry you had to have your plans messed up by her , yet again.I"m inclined to agree that it's not directed at you personally.... Hopefully that takes a little bit of the sting out of it for you..

 

I had a friend who exhibited similar behaviors--I also got upset at first, & felt rejected, until I saw her doing the same with other friends as well...It's really more about being completely self-engrossed, and oblivious to the effect her flakiness has on others...

[Standard-Fare]

Update here:

 

I did proceed with dropping out on The Flake. We hadn't seen/talked to each other for over two months until a party a friend hosted a few weeks ago. The Flake and I had a short conversation there. She hugged me when leaving and noted that we "never see each other" and "should hang out."

 

Seeing her did make me realize that I missed her. Soon after I broke down and tried to make plans. She responded immediately, seemed genuinely interested... but then, as usual, the idea ended up fizzling out. A couple of weeks later, I called her (no answer) and left a voicemail (no response).

 

The weird twist is that, just a couple of days after that, a mutual friend sent out an Evite to a birthday party in my honor. I hadn't even realized The Flake was invited. She responded immediately and enthusiastically to the Evite.

 

I'm confused. She's can't lift a finger to call back, or follow through with any plan, yet she jumps all over an Evite? And why would she give a sh*t about my birthday when she clearly doesn't give a sh*t about our friendship?

 

I've realized that I'm actually pretty angry about everything and do need to address it directly with her. I see nothing to lose since our friendship is so non-existent anyway. Since phone calls and texts are generally unsuccessful, I guess I have to go with an email....

[preraph]

Our friendship is decidedly "casual" already. At most I can expect to see her twice a month. Although we've had periods of being closer in the past during our 8 or so years of friendship, this dynamic is reasonable now because she's a mom and she's busy. I also can accept that she has a naturally flighty personality.

 

I know we both really enjoy each other's company when we do spend time together. But I don't know if she realizes that our relationship these days consists of only me putting in the effort, and her often being flaky, noncommittal, or flat-out ABSENT in response. Obviously this situation is not satisfying for me, and it can't continue, but I don't know if it's worth having some serious sit-down conversation about. I'm not sure she'd take well to it.

 

I might just do as one of you suggested and stop trying altogether. I'm sure at some point she'd notice/care, but she is not the type who would confront me and get "into it." We'd both just let the friendship go. It saddens me but that might be the only answer here.

 

You're assuming she'd be pissed off if she noticed you weren't contacting her. You're assuming she'd even notice right away too. It's the best way to handle it, just stop and see how long it takes her to want to do something. Then when she does contact you, no matter whether she's mad or oblivious, you are just bubbling with joy that she called and if she asks anything, you tell her happily, "Oh, no; like you, just been busy."