When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

But she did bring it up with him. She asked if he really wanted her, saying she didn't feel desired, and his answer boiled down to "well, I guess we're different". He basically had an invitation to give in to his wildest passions and he didn't. That speaks volumes.

 

Yes, exactly. Maybe he didn't take me seriously though, I may have to give it one more shot. It makes me feel completely undesirable, which I know isn't true.

 

Venus, it ultimately doesn't matter whether this is a biological and/or psychological issue. What matters is that he's content with the way things are. If this is who he is, you can't change him. Communicate your needs again, and be clear that it's non-negotiable, but don't hold out hope that he'll become a different person. I also think it's a little rude that he didn't respond to your text. How long does it take to craft a quick reply, or even just a kissy-face emoji? If someone ignored my overtures I would feel vulnerable and rejected.

 

I DO feel vulnerable and rejected. He had nowhere absolutely pressing to be yesterday morning, I felt like he'd rather do anything else than stay in bed with me. That makes me want to shy away from him at all costs and not initiate ever again. I can't help but wonder if my silence will make him wonder and rise to the occasion. He seems like he would do a lot to make me happy...and he wouldn't let me go so easily. He seems invested and I don't think he'd just walk away from this and say 'well, I guess we're just different. See ya'. On the same token, I can't do that either.

 

And I completely agree with PogoStick that sex once per week at the beginning is unusual. Since my boyfriend and I started having sex five months ago we've had sex every single time we met up, often three or four times at a stretch. We're planning a party after the first time we go without. I think that's normal for most new couples, really.

 

I think everyone's 'normal' is different. I just know that this is not 'normal' for me in the beginning stages of a relationship, or even at ANY stage of the relationship. I don't see it progressing because of this issue.

 

I will bring it up again if I have to.. and I hope I don't have to.

Edited December 16, 2014 by venusishername

[cif]

Perhaps snooping was the wrong term, i meant research.. As in social media, dating sites, etc.

 

To the poster that suggested his seeing other people was a drastic assumption, i ask why? Theyre not exclusive yet.

 

All we could do really is make assumptions, maybe he's married, maybe medication lowers his libido. You did ask and he brushed it off. Bring it up again. Your concern is justified. This would drive me crazy and honestly a deal breaker.

[PogoStick]

Venus having a mature relationship means open communication. You should tell him straight forward what you want/need in the relationship. Ask if he feels he can realistically provide that for you. If not then you're not compatible. Better to be forward and find out sooner than later.

[venusishername]

Venus having a mature relationship means open communication. You should tell him straight forward what you want/need in the relationship. Ask if he feels he can realistically provide that for you. If not then you're not compatible. Better to be forward and find out sooner than later.

 

I agree, I need to be straightforward. I've never had an issue doing that in my life. But in this case, what on earth am I supposed to say?

I want you to look at me and touch me with lust more often? I want you to initiate sex more often than not and I'm not always satisfied with just once? If we spend the night together, I want you to touch me in the morning and make me feel like I'm desirable. I want you to look and me and touch me with urgency, and can't wait to see me again. I want you to touch and kiss me in public.

How can this behavior be learned?

 

On another note, I haven't heard a peep since yesterday morning, and I can't help but wonder if he feels a drop in interest.

[Leigh 87]

A man cannot" learn " to be lustful towards you; he either feels it or not.

 

My ex of over two years had the same issue...He just didn't feel passion or true lust towards me.

 

He may find you to be attractive yet lack the passion and lust.

 

Or perhaps he genuinely has a low libido

 

Either way he isn't going to magically snap out of this. Accept the way he is and don't expect him to suddenly want to jump you once a day...

[venusishername]

A man cannot" learn " to be lustful towards you; he either feels it or not.

 

My ex of over two years had the same issue...He just didn't feel passion or true lust towards me.

 

He may find you to be attractive yet lack the passion and lust.

 

Or perhaps he genuinely has a low libido

 

Either way he isn't going to magically snap out of this. Accept the way he is and don't expect him to suddenly want to jump you once a day...

 

I know that he finds me attractive and there have been times that he has made it clear he wants me. I know not to take this personally. But I also want to feel desired and even ogled, and thought of in a sexual way and to have that verbalized and shown to me.

I'm just used to the men I've been with having a lot of passion and lust towards me. I don't know if I could sacrifice that in a relationship.

The next time we see each other I will bring it up. I'll mention I was upset yesterday when he left and I had made it clear I was frustrated at his lack of initiative. On top of that his lack of response to my text. I do feel rejected.

So that makes me withdraw and reconsider continuing this.

 

Cif mentioned investigating into whether he's on dating sites actively. That really wouldn't solve my problem, so I'm not going to do it. We aren't exclusive, but I personally don't date more than one man at a time; he said he wasn't weeks ago, I believe he would tell me or I would get some indication that he was, so I'm going to have to rule that out anyway.

Regardless, I doubt that would be a factor in the level of his lust for me.

[PogoStick]

I agree, I need to be straightforward. I've never had an issue doing that in my life. But in this case, what on earth am I supposed to say?

I want you to look at me and touch me with lust more often? I want you to initiate sex more often than not and I'm not always satisfied with just once? If we spend the night together, I want you to touch me in the morning and make me feel like I'm desirable. I want you to look and me and touch me with urgency, and can't wait to see me again. I want you to touch and kiss me in public.

 

Yep that sounds pretty good

 

I want you to ravage me. I want you to be the tiger and I'm your prey. Throw me down on the bed and take me. Pull my hair, run your fingernails down my back. In the morning as I start to get out of bed, grab my hand and pull me back down and take me again. Slap my ass as I walk by. Give me dirty looks in the restaurant. Send me inappropriate texts at work that I hope nobody else will see. Let your hand wander up my skirt at the movie theater. Play with my breasts and kiss my neck when we cuddle in front of the TV.

 

Well, at least, that's what I'd do to you.

 

How's that? Maybe he's inexperienced or lacks confidence and you can train him.

[venusishername]

Yep that sounds pretty good

I want you to ravage me. I want you to be the tiger and I'm your prey. Throw me down on the bed and take me. Pull my hair, run your fingernails down my back. In the morning as I start to get out of bed, grab my hand and pull me back down and take me again. Slap my ass as I walk by. Give me dirty looks in the restaurant. Send me inappropriate texts at work that I hope nobody else will see. Let your hand wander up my skirt at the movie theater. Play with my breasts and kiss my neck when we cuddle in front of the TV.

Well, at least, that's what I'd do to you.

How's that? Maybe he's inexperienced or lacks confidence and you can train him.

 

Ha, thank you Pogo Yes, you nailed it. That's EXACTLY what I want! And I think you have a good point and are probably right that he's just inexperienced.

I'm not sure I can say those things out loud... but I will try.

I've never had to tell a guy these things before. It's just throwing me off.

On another note, I still haven't heard from him since he left my bed on Monday morning. I would like to see him tonight, and was considering asking him over for dinner but I can't help but wonder (based on the stuff I'm mentioning too) that he's dropping interest :/

 

I really like this guy. I was really hoping it would pick up, but I'm wondering if the 'square peg' just isn't going to fit. It was starting to feel like it was progressing but since this happened I feel like things have stalled. Maybe I'm imagining it.

Edited December 17, 2014 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

I don't think he can learn to do those things if he doesn't have it in him. You're probably incompatible on that so even if he dropped interest, it wasn't meant to be anyway.

[venusishername]

I don't think he can learn to do those things if he doesn't have it in him. You're probably incompatible on that so even if he dropped interest, it wasn't meant to be anyway.

 

Well, the thing is I have seen that side of him, BlueEye, so I don't think it's the case that he just doesn't have it in him. (At least that's what I think so far).

Last weekend, for example, he came and sought me out where I was with friends.. basically told me all he wanted was to get me home into bed and took me out of there! He'll say things like 'your t*ts look great...' I mean, it's THERE. It's just not as urgent/frequent/consistent as I would like.

However, I know that if it's meant to be, it will be.

If not, my guy must still be out there somewhere

Edited December 17, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Is the 6th week of dating supposed to feel like this??

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Feeling vulnerable and rejected? Being ignored? Uncertain if you're sexually compatible? In a word: no.

 

He'll say things like 'your t*ts look great...'

 

Please tell me this only happens when you're in bed.

[Leigh 87]

Is the 6th week of dating supposed to feel like this??

 

Not for me.

 

When I'm with a guy who's really into me, they make it known that they want to me badly. You weeks in we are still rooting like rabbits!

 

I don't allow myself to be in your predicament simply because I know what I want and I know it doesn't get better when a guy doesn't show enough raw passion from the start.

 

It's hard. I also want to fall in love. You're playing this well..you're not needy, you wait unto he texts you... I understand that you'd like this to turn into a passion filled romance.

 

Things just won't work though in my honest opinion.

 

He sounds like he likes you but you either don't light his fire ( even though he IS clearly attracted to you) OR...This is just what your guy is like.

 

In either case. ..things don't change. It's highly unlikely that he will suddenly want to ravage you nightly.

[venusishername]

Feeling vulnerable and rejected? Being ignored? Uncertain if you're sexually compatible? In a word: no.

 

Please tell me this only happens when you're in bed.

 

 

Great. Not looking so good, is it?? I'd really like this to work out. Now I'm feeling totally insecure.

I texted him today and asked how he was doing and that I thought I'd hear back the other day, how was xyz? Haven't heard back but as far as I know he keeps his phone off for work.

And as far as the t*ts comment... it was whispered in my ear in public. I don't think that's so bad

[venusishername]

Sorry no. Ladies do not want to train guys. Ladies avoid inexperienced guys.

 

It's true. But there are the inexperienced and 'innocent' guys who sometimes are the best men who are worth giving a chance!

I think some men are just more shy than others when it comes to sex, and it's ok to let them know you are open to them unleashing the tiger!

 

 

In response to Leigh, I have no doubt that he's very attracted to me. That's not it. I'm feeling insecure because he's rejected me twice for sex, the morning after. I don't see how in a matter of a few days he could go from asking me out on a dinner date, then spending the evening/night and telling me he misses me to totally cold. I'm just needing some reassurance. I think I'll feel much better once we do talk.

I guess I'm anxious for a relationship and maybe not being patient enough for this to develop with time and getting to know each other. I don't want to dismiss it so soon. Maybe I'm looking for an 'out' out of self-protection or something, when I need to just let it grow and take it easy. What I mean is: I think I might be searching for a reason to sabotage it before it grows, because of my own intimacy issues :/

I haven't had real intimacy with a man in many years. I've been afraid to. I think I've used sex and have been comfortable with being treated as a sex object because it's safer and.. well, it fulfills the physical need. The emotional part is hard.

But they go hand in hand...

Edited December 17, 2014 by venusishername

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I don't buy the inexperienced argument because it suggests he just doesn't know any better. Shy or not, wouldn't someone whose only flaw is inexperience want to go over the moon to please their partner? You told him what you wanted, he made no attempt to give it to you, and finally ignored your come-on. Even someone with NO sexual experience could tell you that's rude.

 

You mention he's stepped up in the past, but there's a huge gulf between "he calls me now" and "he's become a completely different person in bed". You don't "step up" to alter sexual chemistry. I do think you should communicate your needs---great sex requires great communication---but this guy's total lack of communication over the past two days says a lot to me. How are you guys supposed to have a real relationship if he just ignores you when he feels like it?

 

(That is better to know he whispered it in a sexy way. Dirty talk, particularly discreet dirty talk, is so much fun!)

[venusishername]

You mention he's stepped up in the past, but there's a huge gulf between "he calls me now" and "he's become a completely different person in bed". You don't "step up" to alter sexual chemistry.

 

I'm sorry I don't follow what you're saying. I never said he's become a completely different person in bed. Not at all!

[venusishername]

I remember my last real relationship took several months to get off the ground. (This was 7 years ago now). After about halfway through (about 6-8 weeks time) I threw in the towel out of frustration and told him that I didn't think we should do this anymore. (It was more or less not moving at the pace I wanted it to). I backed off, and he came running quick. I don't know, once I laid it on the table with him and told him what I wanted, if he could give that to me great, if not, goodbye... he came on stronger than ever before. And in the end I got what I wanted.

 

I think I just need to be honest and not settle for less. This guy seems genuinely interested in me. I see no problem in laying it on the line if I'm unhappy about something. He told me if that's the case, he wants to know. Perfect opportunity. If it doesn't improve after that, I think I will know for certain that he's just flat out unable to give me what I need.

[venusishername]

Inexperienced guys miss what's obvious and sometimes may know what to do in theory but can't perform in practice. A lot of 12 year olds are way ahead of where I am at 45 and any lady would be crazy to try dating me at 45. Same with the guy here. He either doesn't know what he's doing or he's unable to pull it off.

 

Ok.. (and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself btw)!

What do you mean, unable to pull it off?

[Eighty_nine]

I still don't see what the huge deal is about him not wanting to do it in the morning. Maybe he worried he smelled or something.

[venusishername]

I still don't see what the huge deal is about him not wanting to do it in the morning. Maybe he worried he smelled or something.

 

OMG, you are funny Lissvarna! No, the issue is he seemed completely disinterested the past two times we were in bed (the morning after). I guess I'm just used to (and want) a man to be more aggressive sexually. I'm turned on and want to amp this up!

 

Maybe I'm just expecting him to act like my boyfriend and move at a faster and a more intense pace. He's not my boyfriend, although I THOUGHT that was the direction we both were intending to go. Today, I'm not feeling very hopeful about this anymore. It seems to be stalling, even regressing?

 

I've been totally freed up the past three days, and he left Monday morning and I didn't hear a peep. I texted last night, he responded after work, I invited him for dinner, he declined and said he had already started cooking, and that I needed to 'book him early'. I know he didn't mean that to be rude, just playful. I responded back playfully. But that stung and I'm tired of initiating and being rejected. He told me he would like me to initiate more, and hey, when I have, (and in bed) he has rejected me. (Not every time of course). It's hard to 'open up' when your advances are shot down.

 

Even if he couldn't make dinner, at this point, even a 'hey, I'd love to come by after' or 'let's do tomorrow instead' is what I wanted. Either he's clueless or losing interest. I expect the guy I'm seeing to start wanting to spend more time with me. He mentioned that he wanted that weeks ago, and said the other day that he missed me.. he cares and he listens, he's kind and I can tell he's into me. I know he's interested. But he's not picking up the pace.

 

I TRULY don't think he's DATING anyone else. He told me he wasn't weeks ago. But.. I wonder if he's got someone else on the radar that he might be interested in. Trying to choose which way to go. He DID pursue me. He DID find me after months and was excited to see me again. I don't doubt the man is interested and intrigued by me.

 

But I'm pissed. When he calls and asks to see me over the next few days, I'm going to make up some lame excuse about how I really need to stay home and 'wash my hair'. I'm going to tell him I'm busy (I'm not tonight). I want to see him of course, but he can't just come on his terms. If he'd like to 'book me early' he can do that. Otherwise our twice a week is looking like it's dwindling to once a week.

 

Am I just being unreasonable and impatient?? I remind myself he isn't my boyfriend, so I can't expect him to act like he is.

Edited December 18, 2014 by venusishername

[Redhead14]

OMG, you are funny Lissvarna! No, the issue is he seemed completely disinterested the past two times we were in bed (the morning after). I guess I'm just used to (and want) a man to be more aggressive sexually. I'm turned on and want to amp this up!

 

Maybe I'm just expecting him to act like my boyfriend and move at a faster and a more intense pace. He's not my boyfriend, although I THOUGHT that was the direction we both were intending to go. Today, I'm not feeling very hopeful about this anymore. It seems to be stalling, even regressing?

 

I've been totally freed up the past three days, and he left Monday morning and I didn't hear a peep. I texted last night, he responded after work, I invited him for dinner, he declined and said he had already started cooking, and that I needed to 'book him early'. I know he didn't mean that to be rude, just playful. I responded back playfully. But that stung and I'm tired of initiating and being rejected. He told me he would like me to initiate more, and hey, when I have, (and in bed) he has rejected me. (Not every time of course). It's hard to 'open up' when your advances are shot down.

 

Even if he couldn't make dinner, at this point, even a 'hey, I'd love to come by after' or 'let's do tomorrow instead' is what I wanted. Either he's clueless or losing interest. I expect the guy I'm seeing to start wanting to spend more time with me. He mentioned that he wanted that weeks ago, and said the other day that he missed me.. he cares and he listens, he's kind and I can tell he's into me. I know he's interested. But he's not picking up the pace.

 

I TRULY don't think he's DATING anyone else. He told me he wasn't weeks ago. But.. I wonder if he's got someone else on the radar that he might be interested in. Trying to choose which way to go. He DID pursue me. He DID find me after months and was excited to see me again. I don't doubt the man is interested and intrigued by me.

 

But I'm pissed. When he calls and asks to see me over the next few days, I'm going to make up some lame excuse about how I really need to stay home and 'wash my hair'. I'm going to tell him I'm busy (I'm not tonight). I want to see him of course, but he can't just come on his terms. If he'd like to 'book me early' he can do that. Otherwise our twice a week is looking like it's dwindling to once a week.

 

Am I just being unreasonable and impatient?? I remind myself he isn't my boyfriend, so I can't expect him to act like he is.

 

He is not your boyfriend yet and he isn't acting that way either. Yes, you need to set/show him the pattern you want. I would, as you say, not be available so much on his schedule. In addition, I'd take sex off the table for a while. Don't tell him that, just make is so that the opportunity for it isn't there. Say you need to go home early if you're at his place for a bit. He may simply be feeling comfortable enough now and knowing you'll be available and doesn't feel the need to "do it" all the time now.

 

And don't be pissy about anything. Don't question him when he says he's not available. Don't ask why or push the issue. Say, OK, I'll call a couple of friends and see if we can get together. And, stop initiating for a while as well. Even though he's said he wants you to do that, he's not being receptive.

 

I'd hit the reset button, here. Kinda take it back to the beginning. Let him contact you first, you respond in kind and in a balanced way. Let him ask you to go out first again for a while. IN the meantime, keep yourself busy and let him know how busy you are and what you've been doing, etc. By calling him a couple of days apart if he hasn't called you. He'll either step it up on his part or he will fade away. In this guy's case, from what you've said here, I might predict he'd do that rather than be upfront about it.

[venusishername]

I'd hit the reset button, here. Kinda take it back to the beginning. Let him contact you first, you respond in kind and in a balanced way. Let him ask you to go out first again for a while. IN the meantime, keep yourself busy and let him know how busy you are and what you've been doing, etc. By calling him a couple of days apart if he hasn't called you. He'll either step it up on his part or he will fade away. In this guy's case, from what you've said here, I might predict he'd do that rather than be upfront about it.

 

I really like this idea, thank you. I think that is my best bet here.

Not sure I'm clear on the bolded part of your post, though. You might predict he'd do what?

[Redhead14]

I really like this idea, thank you. I think that is my best bet here.

Not sure I'm clear on the bolded part of your post, though. You might predict he'd do what?

 

Fade away. In other words, if he goes sometime without calling you to iniatiate dates or becomes sporadic and more spread apart, it likely means he's dropping out slowly and/or reluctantly because he doesn't want to address it directly. I'm only saying he might do this because of the history you've posted.

 

I'm not saying he is going to do that. Only time will tell with hitting the reset button. Just be patient and don't succumb to worry or neediness. It'll be hard, but in the long run, you'll get some questions answered.

[venusishername]

Fade away. In other words, if he goes sometime without calling you to iniatiate dates or becomes sporadic and more spread apart, it likely means he's dropping out slowly and/or reluctantly because he doesn't want to address it directly. I'm only saying he might do this because of the history you've posted.

 

I'm not saying he is going to do that. Only time will tell with hitting the reset button. Just be patient and don't succumb to worry or neediness. It'll be hard, but in the long run, you'll get some questions answered.

 

 

I see. I agree with you, thank you. We've been spending every night we have been together overnight. I want sex but I guess I can take it off the table for a bit. This isn't working for me and something needs to change.

I've been really good about not being needy with him or demanding to know why he's not available.

 

 

How do you suggest then I 'start' hitting the reset button? For example, when he calls next or asks me out, does that mean I should decline/not accept if it's a spontaneous invitation? I want to be sure he knows I'm still interested even though I'm taking a step back.