Brooke02 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I would just text him, tell him you might have saw him the other day etc... That will start a convo. Let it lead to meeting, I wouldnt bring it up right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Venus, contact the other guy, absolutely! You have nothing to lose. Whoever posted about the statistical probability thing is right. You have to go through so many duds to find a gem, sadly. I started online dating last January, and went on a total of 11 dates from that point until early October. Of those 11, I only was interested in 3, and only 2 of those 3 people were also interested in me, and with only ONE (my current boyfriend) did we have any real lasting chemistry and romantic connection. I'm still friends with the one other guy I dated for a bit from an OLD site, but even with our mutual interest in one another, there just wasn't enough there. It's really hard! I say move along and if this guy does a 180 and starts initiating etc again, then great, continue to explore it. And if not you'll be distracted by other dates. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Guys, Despite my hesitation about this guy, I'm really shocked he hasn't come around lately. I still have heard nothing. I'm considering reaching out very soon. Honestly, we spent quality time and many weeks talking often and seeing each other regularly and of all the men I've dated in a very long time he seemed absolutely genuinely interested. I wonder what happened?? We talked Friday and seemed fine. Spent the night together a week ago. Obviously I like him a lot and enjoy being with him. He gave me no indication that he was dropping interest (with the exception of this last week now). Truly, the way he looked at me and talked to me, and was pursuing me seemed real and he was into me. I wonder if my conversations of last week made him reconsider. That night I called and said these are the things I want, he came through the next day and delivered. Granted, not everything has been what I want, but he seemed to be willing to meet me halfway. I'm sad something that I felt was very promising and was very exited about seems to have fizzled. Do you think it's worth waiting a little while longer, and reaching out to him? I can't imagine after the quality of time a spent that it could just be brushed aside like this. I wanted it to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) I just reactivated my account and was just hoping the guy I turned down for a date would still be on there and we'd re-match. Yet... he is not in my 'radar'. So... I could wait until we do or contact him via text. He may have deleted my number after I said I couldn't go out with him. After seeing him in person, and that he was attractive, and seems very mature and well, less like a boy, I still would like to meet him. However, there is someone else that I had talked to several times in the past on there too that just keeps contacting me asking to meet. He is persistent, and I like that As for A, I'm still pretty miffed that I haven't at least heard from him by now. I really think after our conversations last week, he may have realized I need more than he's capable of. At least that's what I think. He certainly liked me a lot. Edited December 30, 2014 by venusishername Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Listen to me, it's over with A. If you have to have a talk so early, most often than not it's the end. It can't be fixed. Don't waste your time reaching out or wondering "what happened". He liked you but wasn't interested enough to build a relationship with you. Your best bet with A is for you to drop off the face of the Earth. Then he'll contact you again. But chances are it'll not rekindle. Best course of action: meet other men! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Agreed. I would NOT reach out. What's the point? He's basically told you with silence that he doesn't want what you want. You have spelled it out for him in every way possible and he has failed to deliver. Talking to him again or asking for "closure" will only put further dents in your pride. Not only that, but he's proven that he won't give you any real answers. It will just be more BS - blah blah blah schedules blah blah blah so hard blah blah blah gotta go!!1! See? I just saved you the trouble of calling him Go text the other guy and get back on that dating app! Wear a hot dress on NYE and kiss someone new. Life is too short! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Listen to me, it's over with A. If you have to have a talk so early, most often than not it's the end. It can't be fixed. Don't waste your time reaching out or wondering "what happened". He liked you but wasn't interested enough to build a relationship with you. Your best bet with A is for you to drop off the face of the Earth. Then he'll contact you again. But chances are it'll not rekindle. Best course of action: meet other men! This is good advice although I think for me, I'd have to reach out to confirm it's over. If you do, his response will tell you everything you need to know. If it's "yes I've been busy but we'll get together sometime..." or anything similar, then yeah, it's over. If he makes plans with you then and there then it might not be. I always feel like I "need to know" before I can move on but if you can move on without that, do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) He liked you but wasn't interested enough to build a relationship with you. Your best bet with A is for you to drop off the face of the Earth. Then he'll contact you again. But chances are it'll not rekindle. Yes, obviously I'm not shedding any tears over this.... but my concern is not getting stuck in the same pattern again in the future. I mean, I thought everything was looking good. I TRULY was cautious and KNEW for a fact that he wanted MORE than just something casual, and that I was only continuing to see him because I was under the impression that we wanted the same thing and had similar mindsets about what we were looking for. If he was interested as he seemed to be, and with that same mindset, what gives? Is it just after time progressed, etc. that it just became evident to him too that it wasn't a good fit for xyz reasons? Or maybe he realized that his definition of 'relationship' was something other than what I was used to. Everything else about our connection was really great... Go text the other guy and get back on that dating app! Wear a hot dress on NYE and kiss someone new. Life is too short! I love being reminded about 'life's too short'. I'm planning on doing all those things you mentioned... ASAP! This is good advice although I think for me, I'd have to reach out to confirm it's over. If you do, his response will tell you everything you need to know. If it's "yes I've been busy but we'll get together sometime..." or anything similar, then yeah, it's over. If he makes plans with you then and there then it might not be. I always feel like I "need to know" before I can move on but if you can move on without that, do it. Hmmm.. well, considering the quality of the time we've spent together, I feel it's not very nice to just drop off the face of the planet. I mean, it wasn't just some meaningless fling, and I know he doesn't feel that it was either. I thought maybe if I didn't hear by NYE, I'd just reach out and say hello and wish him a Happy new Year. Why not? Edited December 30, 2014 by venusishername Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) Ahhh... I made a mistake by not going out with this guy last month. Now I'm thinking about it obsessively. Is it weird that I search my phone and find his number and text him? Should I wait til I see him on Tinder again so I know he's around/available?? Won't he think I'm coming off as a creeper by doing this? I need a script of what to say. Help! If I don't do this, I'm going to regret it. Seeing him last week seemed to be a sign Edited December 30, 2014 by venusishername Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 First things first. End things with A, firmly but politely. I doubt he'll even notice. As for the other guy, you can send him a text message, but I would be as friendly as possible. See how he responds and go from there. Keep your expectations low. Didn't you cancel on him twice? He might still be smarting over that. More importantly, if he's not on Tinder any more there's a good chance he's in a relationship. That would be a very awkward exchange. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) First things first. End things with A, firmly but politely. I doubt he'll even notice. As for the other guy, you can send him a text message, but I would be as friendly as possible. See how he responds and go from there. Keep your expectations low. Didn't you cancel on him twice? He might still be smarting over that. More importantly, if he's not on Tinder any more there's a good chance he's in a relationship. That would be a very awkward exchange. Thank you, but I don't think I need to 'end' things with A. It seems without saying. I may be wrong and he thinks otherwise, but in any case, I still want to be available to other prospects. So, if he resurfaces, it's a win-win for me because I'm not putting my stocks into this anymore. If he resurfaces, I'll simply have more options this time, and more importantly, be OPEN to other options. No, I didn't cancel on him twice, just once. Then HE canceled because he got really sick and then around Thanksgiving asked me AGAIN, when I declined because of A. Maybe I'm overthinking this (as usual), but I guess what I'm asking is WHAT to say, not HOW to say it. As far as not being on the app or site anymore, I personally have done that (going off and on) because most of the time I found it to be a big waste of time. Like A, he's not on there. He's not in a relationship. Edited December 30, 2014 by venusishername Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I would just keep it light and breezy. Text him and ask if he remembers you, and would he be interested in going out sometime. No need to allude to the past or your cancelled dates. If he responds favorably, great. If not, then fine—nothing ventured, nothing gained. Besides, there are so many other men out there; don't overthink this one. In the grand scheme of things, it matters very little if you get a date of it or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) I would just keep it light and breezy. Text him and ask if he remembers you, and would he be interested in going out sometime. No need to allude to the past or your cancelled dates. If he responds favorably, great. If not, then fine—nothing ventured, nothing gained. Besides, there are so many other men out there; don't overthink this one. In the grand scheme of things, it matters very little if you get a date of it or not. Thanks. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not that significant. But this might be the man of my dreams and I can't let him get away! I just think life's too short to live with regret! So I can at least say I tried. Same with the past month or so with A. I put in my best effort! I wouldn't want to say 'remember me??' of course he remembers me. We talked for weeks. I was thinking: 'I wasn't sure if it was you, but I think I may have seen you at ________last week. I still had your number and thought I'd say hello -insert my name.' I suppose I can add in 'I'd still like to meet you if you're available'. My gf says there's no need to ask him out, she said if he has a brain, he'll get it that I'm letting him know that I'm available now. Good?? Edited December 31, 2014 by venusishername Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Thanks. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not that significant. But this might be the man of my dreams and I can't let him get away! I just think life's too short to live with regret! So I can at least say I tried. Same with the past month or so with A. I put in my best effort! I wouldn't want to say 'remember me??' of course he remembers me. We talked for weeks. I was thinking: 'I wasn't sure if it was you, but I think I may have seen you at ________last week. I still had your number and thought I'd say hello -insert my name.' I suppose I can add in 'I'd still like to meet you if you're available'. My gf says there's no need to ask him out, she said if he has a brain, he'll get it that I'm letting him know that I'm available now. Good?? Don't worry about it Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I was thinking: 'I wasn't sure if it was you, but I think I may have seen you at ________last week. I still had your number and thought I'd say hello -insert my name.' I suppose I can add in 'I'd still like to meet you if you're available'. My gf says there's no need to ask him out, she said if he has a brain, he'll get it that I'm letting him know that I'm available now. Good?? lol, I don't think so necessarily. Sure, you don't have to say "remember me," but is the thing about seeing him true? It sounds a little cheesy if you didn't really see him somewhere. Say something like, "hope you had a good holiday, let's grab drinks!" Ask him out! There's nothing wrong with that. Link to post Share on other sites
callingyouuu Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 My gf says there's no need to ask him out, she said if he has a brain, he'll get it that I'm letting him know that I'm available now. Maybe I just don't have a brain, but as a guy I wouldn't assume you were interested in seeing me, especially since it sounds like your last interaction was to talk with him for a few weeks and then turn him down Let us know how it goes! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) I usually don't recommend asking men out. But in this case, I think you should. He asked you out before and you canceled on him, so he did make the first step. Because you dropped him, I think it would be good to ask directly to meet so he is clear that you're not just fishing for attention. Don't put too much hope into this though. You have to be on the mindset that there is an infinite supply of men, and you're attractive, men love you, and your love is on it's way. It's gonna happen. Keep detached in the beginning of any dating relationship. God, I hate early stages of dating with burning passion LOL My skin is crawling thinking of it. Hated it! Edited December 31, 2014 by BluEyeL 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 Now that it's getting late, I've decided to sleep on it and go for it tomorrow! Thanks, everyone I have nothing to lose... Now that it's clear it's going nowhere with A, I am reminded there are many fish in the sea. My dad told me the other day very adamantly that NO man should ever keep me waiting, and that he hoped then that A would come through. But if he didn't, "just keep shopping!" Now that I'm back on Tinder too... Someone from the past I've chatted with before contacted me AGAIN, he's always been very persistent and today I finally gave him my number. He wants to meet this weekend! Also an acquaintance of the guy I dated briefly over the summer (from my last thread) found me there too and sent me a message! Not sure if he remembers that I was his co-workers' date over Labor Day. Is that weird?? I'll post more tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 You asked how can you improve your chances while dating. In my experience, best course of action is to stay emotionally detached until the man absolutely proves that he is serious about building a relationship with you. Do not find excuses if the man doesn't ask you out every week, officially. No "hang outs", no "come here where I'm at". That's too casual. Men should court you properly, which will show their intentions. If they are inconsistent, dump them promptly. Don't worry "but he liked me" or "he didn't like me". You are awesome, men love you, who cares about that particular one? Also, and I know all the women I told this to, fight me to death. Do not have sex with men before exclusivity! And before he showed consistency, like clockwork!! Sex means anything that renders you naked and being together alone. Keep the dates public! To find love, you need discipline, otherwise it's gonna take longer and you're going to suffer more heartbreak until you find the one. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 Well, I did it! I sent him that text just now! I kind of typed it and closed my eyes and hit send Waiting for a response... may not get one but I hope I do! I may not. UGH! I just said: "Hey there, maybe a bit out of the blue but I think I may have seen you last week at ________ (which is totally true). Not completely sure it was you but looked so by your pics. Anyway, hope you're having a great holiday, and if you're still interested maybe we can still make that drink happy sometime. Happy New Year!" Harmless. It says it's 'delivered'. He probably is in a small state of shock. Or he's offended, or he's happy. Well, yet to be seen. Highly doubt A is coming back around, and if he does, he's not going to look so great in my eyes anymore. I'm already talking to several people on Tinder (a few that I've chatted with before)... and I know there's no shortage of men out there. I'm bummed that I'm spending yet another holiday single, and it's very lonely. But it won't be forever. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Good luck with that guy, but don't be upset if he doesn't reply. Don't worry, you'll find love, keep at it. To work though the anxiety, use meditation techniques. It worked wonders for me! I used this one, but there are many out there: https://mobile.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/Manifesting-Love-Audiobook/B00FPPF9ZQ?s=s 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 OMG, he replied! I'm afraid to read the text haha ohmmmm..... Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 OMG, he replied! I'm afraid to read the text haha ohmmmm..... What did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) Well wow. It wasn't him I saw last week. Oops, now I feel like a creeper. He must just look like a lot of people Anyway, he said: "Wasn't me! I must have a twin! I'm in (out of town) doing (fun activity). How have you been?" He didn't respond to my drink suggestion. I did say 'maybe we can still make that drink happen sometime'. But his response seemed like he's still interested. AHHH. I haven't responded. I guess I could just simply answer his question and go from there. When and if we do finally meet, how much pressure is going to be on that date !?! After all this.. . Edited December 31, 2014 by venusishername Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusishername Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 I am so glad I contacted him! He sent a pic of himself on his trip skiing. Said he was looking forward to the new year too and that he'd take me out for that drink when he got home! I'm a bit embarrassed that it wasn't him that I saw, I told him oops, it must've just been wishful thinking In any case it was a good opening and he still is interested! I love the pic he sent, it made me smile! Never heard from A, but just as well, isn't it?! I'd rather go out with this guy anyway. I have no idea if we'll hit it off in person, but to be honest this whole thing seems fateful and I'm feeling hopeful. Hey, maybe I'll start a new thread about it! Tonight I'm bummed no NYE date after all but one of my friends told me 'you don't need a date, you're YOU.' Life is good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts