When it rains it pours

[Leigh 87]

I just didn't think the romance with A started quite right. But you never know, so I said that probably it had a 40% chance of working out. First, he came back to her after months. He texted and called but there was a lot of last minute stuff going on, that's too casual. Texting and calling don't necessarily mean much.

 

She also got physical waaay too fast. Oral is sex, you may as well go all the way, big difference.

 

 

Yeah, it is never a good sign when a guy has to come back after months.. It means he was lukewarm, probably thought she was attractive and nice but that is all - no major sparks from his part - if he met a woman that he was really keen on, he would not have left the picture for months.

 

It read to me like : "oh, I saw her profile again, she was attractive at the time and seemed like a nice person, may as well message her"

I prefer men who think: " wow. She is something special. I REALLY like what I have seen of her, I would love to keep seeing her".

A casual " well, she is online, I remember her, she was hot, I may as well message her" does NOT cut it for me.

 

He lined so close to her too from what VENUS said - surely during the initial stages - if there were any major fire works, they would be all over one another and he would long for her and he would definitely have to retrain himself from wanting to see her all the time. Instead, he was very lukewarm; his consistency of daily texts disguised his lukewarm feelings towards VENUS as more than they ever were, me thinks....

 

I don't believe early sex is always bad - if a guy is into you and feels you are special - he will absolutely pursue you irrespective of early sex.

[venusishername]

Yeah, I think it's a good idea what Leigh says about dating more 'casually' but I'm so used to being a one-man woman that I'm a little rusty on How to approach it.

As for A, I've nearly forgotten about it by now.. I was just kind of enjoying it for the time and hoping it would develop and when I started having theses feelings of wanting more from it, I felt I did the right thing by mentioning my concerns. Just in the hopes he would step up.. But I knew that if not, I'd be ok.

I don't regret the time we spent; I just think he was immature. I really do expect more from a relationship.

 

Which is why I'm not harping on it and moving forward.

 

The new guy is building it up himself, but I do appreciate his persistence.

Just to hear from him while he's away, before we meet is nice. So when we do see each other finally this weekend it will have some foundation and we will have plenty to talk about. I'm very nervous about it but I know it's not the end all be all. He seems very respectful and obviously interested. But I know that all means nothing until time goes by anyway. I'm not putting all my hopes into it. It's just nice to know I'm on his mind!

Seems very mature like I said before.

 

Anyway, this is all kind of fun and I'm not stressing about it. Makes for some good conversation with my girlfriends

[venusishername]

Question:

I know I'm supposed to chill out. But...

Is it acceptable that he is literally contacting me on a daily basis before we even meet?! All this messaging. Why doesn't he just pick up the phone? Are some people averse to that or something? I guess I'm kinda old school.

I am very flattered by his attention and it's not constant or anything, it's just that we don't know if we'll hit it off in person until he comes back and takes me out!

I mean, I don't see the harm, maybe he's lonely over there and also excited about seeing me. All this buildup I would hate for there to be no chemistry in person!

It's just a daily text or two... His initiative. But I almost want to say let's talk when you get back! Maybe he want to pin me down for that date.. Two months later. No flirting per se, but he's being thoughtful.

 

As for B's friend... He is also being persistent and is still asking me out. I ignored his last text and he asked me again. I said 'yes but this week is busy...'

Honestly, I wouldn't mind TERRIBLY if he wants to take me out for a drink. I can talk to the guy. He's alright.

I also appreciate persistence in a man so I'm open to it. No harm, right?

Edited January 8, 2015 by venusishername

[idoltree]

Question:

I know I'm supposed to chill out. But...

Is it acceptable that he is literally contacting me on a daily basis before we even meet?! All this messaging. Why doesn't he just pick up the phone? Are some people averse to that or something? I guess I'm kinda old school.

I am very flattered by his attention and it's not constant or anything, it's just that we don't know if we'll hit it off in person until he comes back and takes me out!

I mean, I don't see the harm, maybe he's lonely over there and also excited about seeing me. All this buildup I would hate for there to be no chemistry in person!

It's just a daily text or two... His initiative. But I almost want to say let's talk when you get back! Maybe he want to pin me down for that date.. Two months later. No flirting per se, but he's being thoughtful.

 

I believe these paragraphs translate into a question of "what is he thinking and why is he doing this?" No one can answer that but him.

 

The more important thing to be thinking about this is: how are YOU feeling about the texting? If you're okay with it, it's not a problem.

 

If you think it's too much, start stretching out your replies. Or don't reply if they don't need a reply. That may slow him down a bit.

 

If you want him to call you, text him with the words "give me a call." It really is that easy!

 

As for B's friend... He is also being persistent and is still asking me out. I ignored his last text and he asked me again. I said 'yes but this week is busy...'

Honestly, I wouldn't mind TERRIBLY if he wants to take me out for a drink. I can talk to the guy. He's alright.

I also appreciate persistence in a man so I'm open to it. No harm, right?

I get that people are pushing you to date more than one person so you don't get so focused on one. I have that same problem; if I like someone, I really like them.

 

I multi-date if the timing works out, like, if more than one guy has asked me out. My record was a trifecta weekend - three dates in three days. I met them having potential interest in all of them, but after three first dates, I was only romantically interested in one.

 

I won't date someone just to intentionally line up a spare. It sounds like you're doing that with this guy. I'm not saying it's wrong, but, if it were me, I'd know it would turn into an uncomfortable date because I'd already know I wasn't interested and feel strange/guilty because my motivations leaned toward using him as a distraction rather than wanting to get to know him as a possible love interest. So I'll multi-date, but I have to have at least a small degree of interest in the guys going into it or I will feel squicky about it.

 

So, give it a shot, and see how you feel. Go out with him. You should then be able to assess whether purposefully dating more than one person when your interest is already only with one of them will work out for you.

[venusishername]

I believe these paragraphs translate into a question of "what is he thinking and why is he doing this?" No one can answer that but him.

The more important thing to be thinking about this is: how are YOU feeling about the texting? If you're okay with it, it's not a problem.

 

At first I was feeling it was a bit too much, but now it's kind of exciting. In building up to meet... he's just keeping a connection and to be honest, now we will have plenty to talk about on our date... WHICH HE HAS NAILED DOWN FOR TOMORROW! At first it was a drink (which I felt was appropriate/safe with being the first time we meet), but then he suggested dinner too, which now I'm totally ok with! I think we will need that much time anyway. Waiting for his return tonight to firm up the details of when and where. I'm so nervous!

 

I was going to get my own way there; would it be not smart to accept a ride home from him? I plan to have a couple drinks... I know generally that is not safe, but I would trust him with that.

 

 

Am I supposed to kiss him at the end? (in the event that I decide I do want to)... Yikes, it's been a long time since I went on a date I was this excited/nervous about.

I know it sounds silly, but I'm already intimidated by him. He's older, very successful, seems so worldly and sophisticated, probably has a lot of money (I know, this is silly and I'm a catch myself).. compared to the other guys I've dated, he's WAY out of their league. Just adds to the nerves I'm feeling is all. I know what counts is that we hit it off tomorrow (to start). That's the downside of OLD... sometimes it all seems great.. until you meet! That's my fear. That would be unfortunate. Just based on our interaction up to this point, I really am interested.

 

And B's friend... let's call him R.... he is incredibly persistent with me. I am flattered. I wouldn't go out with him just for the sake of 'multidating' of course. I do like him alright, but I'm not sure. I'll go out with him but I had to deflect my availability for this weekend... he's really trying to see me again. I just would rather wait until after tomorrow (which will happen now). I don't see the harm in having a drink with him, but the night he came to see me last week it was clear that he was interested in sex.... (which is fine, I am also interested in sex!! among other things...) I don't know if that's all he's after with me. So, I can find out I guess.

Edited January 9, 2015 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

No, you're not supposed to kiss him. And I personally don't want to hear that "one thing led toaanother and we fooled around"

[venusishername]

No, you're not supposed to kiss him. And I personally don't want to hear that "one thing led toaanother and we fooled around"

 

I know I'm not REQUIRED to kiss him, BlueEye I need to take any pressure or expectations off of this date!!!

I don't plan on anything physical. I'm too nervous! But...I cannot make any promises that I won't at least kiss him. No fooling around though.

 

 

Also, off topic question: I don't know his last name but we did initially find each other on Tinder before exchanging numbers. I wanted to google him or find on FB. Isn't it a requirement for Tinder to have a FB account?? If so, I need to find him on there.

Edited January 9, 2015 by venusishername

[losangelena]

Well ... venus, you know I think this is where the wisdom of keeping pre-meeting communication to a minimum comes into play. Everything is so built up now—you have great "online" chemistry, and now you're worried whether it'll play out in real life or not.

 

I was like this too when I first did online dating. I was SO NERVOUS before every single first date. But I quickly learned that, more often than not, that excitement didn't pan out in real life, and also that being so nervous/excited made it difficult to consider the men in a real, objective way. Learning to keep my pre-date expectations at ZERO made it easier to look beyond the rush of chemistry to who they were and if we were compatible. Yes, that icky/nervous feeling is fun, but it gets tiresome after awhile, especially if time after time, the excitement subsides and there's nothing there.

 

I dunno. Everyone's different, and you've said before that you like that kind of excitement, but I for one grew tired of it.

 

I think the answers to your questions are pretty simple. If you WANT to accept a ride from him, do so. I never got picked up for a first date by a guy, but I got dropped off back at home by several of them. One of them later said it had surprised him that I'd so readily gotten into a car with someone who was a virtual stranger, but I digress. If you want to kiss him, kiss him. Don't worry about how much money he makes.

[venusishername]

Oh MAN!

I have to wait a couple more days now. I'm at the point where I just want to rip this off like a Band-Aid and get it over with! I can't stand all this building anticipation.

So, as I said, Ski Slopes has been texting me on a daily basis for nearly a week now, from another time zone for work, sending me pictures of his activities, checking in with me, asking about how was this and that, we've been bantering, I like his sense of humor and just can't wait to FINALLY meet him. I mean, we started talking about two months ago now! Granted about a month of no contact at all because I was otherwise engaged...

 

So, we had tomorrow night set for our drinks now turned into dinner date. But today he texts me that he's about to head back on the plane tonight, but that he has a bad cold and doesn't feel well for tomorrow, so maybe it's best that we reschedule for Monday or Tuesday. !!!!

I got my nails done and everything

 

He did this once before, back in November. I canceled on him the first time I agreed to meet him because I was sick. Then he canceled on me because HE was sick, telling me he didn't want me to get the wrong idea, that he was really excited to meet me but not feeling well. Then I declined his next invitation after Thanksgiving and recovery from all the sickness that was going around because I started seeing A. Now all this time later, I'm talking more than 6 weeks that have passed since all that... I reached out to him on NYE. Since then he has been in near daily contact for about a week. Now he cancels our date!!! I can't believe it happened again that we had to reschedule. Maybe it's just bad timing!!! I am disappointed.

 

I know that if he's not having second thoughts about meeting me. I also don't think he's decided he wants to see someone else besides me tomorrow. (The thought did cross my mind). I think he's also just as nervous as I am and wants to be 100% well, which I understand. I've been feeling under the weather too. Also, it's almost like we are in a way hesitant to meet each other because it's so exciting and all this anticipation we don't want to be disappointed or something. Like we feel have to be totally prepared going into that night. This is ridiculous.

 

By the time I actually see him, I might end up meeting R for the drink he keeps asking me for. I tell myself there's got to be a good reason that the timing with this guy just hasn't seemed to materialize yet.

Edited January 10, 2015 by venusishername

[sagamore]

Oh MAN!

I have to wait a couple more days now. I'm at the point where I just want to rip this off like a Band-Aid and get it over with! I can't stand all this building anticipation.

So, as I said, Ski Slopes has been texting me on a daily basis for nearly a week now, from another time zone for work, sending me pictures of his activities, checking in with me, asking about how was this and that, we've been bantering, I like his sense of humor and just can't wait to FINALLY meet him. I mean, we started talking about two months ago now! Granted about a month of no contact at all because I was otherwise engaged...

 

So, we had tomorrow night set for our drinks now turned into dinner date. But today he texts me that he's about to head back on the plane tonight, but that he has a bad cold and doesn't feel well for tomorrow, so maybe it's best that we reschedule for Monday or Tuesday. !!!!

I got my nails done and everything

 

He did this once before, back in November. I canceled on him the first time I agreed to meet him because I was sick. Then he canceled on me because HE was sick, telling me he didn't want me to get the wrong idea, that he was really excited to meet me but not feeling well. Then I declined his next invitation after Thanksgiving and recovery from all the sickness that was going around because I started seeing A. Now all this time later, I'm talking more than 6 weeks that have passed since all that... I reached out to him on NYE. Since then he has been in near daily contact for about a week. Now he cancels our date!!! I can't believe it happened again that we had to reschedule. Maybe it's just bad timing!!! I am disappointed.

 

I know that if he's not having second thoughts about meeting me. I also don't think he's decided he wants to see someone else besides me tomorrow. (The thought did cross my mind). I think he's also just as nervous as I am and wants to be 100% well, which I understand. I've been feeling under the weather too. Also, it's almost like we are in a way hesitant to meet each other because it's so exciting and all this anticipation we don't want to be disappointed or something. Like we feel have to be totally prepared going into that night. This is ridiculous.

By the time I actually see him, I might end up meeting R for the drink he keeps asking me for. I tell myself there's got to be a good reason that the timing with this guy just hasn't seemed to materialize yet.

 

Venus, I adore you and am rooting for you - but you have got to stop projecting all of YOUR feelings onto these guys! You have no idea whether he's nervous, or wants to be 100% prepared...or just wants to do something else with his Saturday night. Also, I already see you working extra hard to justify his disappointing behavior (cancelling). Yes, he may well be sick. And you did cancel once before...but that's when you were less into it. It's ok to be disappointed that he did this - you don't need to do somersaults in your head to make it ok. Anyway, I'm on the fence about this guy now. Who knows, maybe he will follow through later - but I would start taking calls from other guys. Don't put too much into it until he starts following through.

[BluEyeL]

Well, that's dissapointing. Like sagamore and others said, please please keep emotional distance early on. It could be a while and many dates until you find a fulfilling relationship. You will wear yourself out emotionally if you put your hopes high every time.

 

Let's wait and see what happens. Talk to others. But not with that guy, your ex's coworker, I don't trust him.

[venusishername]

Venus, I adore you and am rooting for you - but you have got to stop projecting all of YOUR feelings onto these guys! You have no idea whether he's nervous, or wants to be 100% prepared...or just wants to do something else with his Saturday night. Also, I already see you working extra hard to justify his disappointing behavior (cancelling). Yes, he may well be sick. And you did cancel once before...but that's when you were less into it. It's ok to be disappointed that he did this - you don't need to do somersaults in your head to make it ok. Anyway, I'm on the fence about this guy now. Who knows, maybe he will follow through later - but I would start taking calls from other guys. Don't put too much into it until he starts following through.

 

You're right. It's ok to be disappointed.. I don't need to justify my disappointment. I believe he's sick but that's not the point. And I know he will follow through. I am just really excited to meet him. What I have appreciated is that he's maintained a regular and consistent line of communication. Probably to hold my interest... and you know, it's working!! However, I'm not putting anything into this until later. UGH, this is frustrating though.

 

Obviously in this particular case, life has been getting in the way of us connecting in person... and I feel particularly with the online dating that the meeting needs to happen sooner than later and not get dragged out, mainly due to the possibility of fizzled interest. Strangely enough though... despite the fact that we've never met, for me anyway the interest is growing the more we talk. (That's a good sign, right??!)

I have no idea if he feels the same way but judging by his contact, he's definitely still interested. So, I'm going to chill.

 

Well, that's dissapointing. Like sagamore and others said, please please keep emotional distance early on. It could be a while and many dates until you find a fulfilling relationship. You will wear yourself out emotionally if you put your hopes high every time.

Let's wait and see what happens. Talk to others. But not with that guy, your ex's coworker, I don't trust him.

 

It's hard for me to talk to others and arrange/agree to dates or whatnot BECAUSE I'm interested in this one in particular. I don't have time or energy to go on more than one date with more than one man in a week's time. If I really wanted to, I could. But I kind of don't. I get what you're saying though.

 

Never did hear back from the "co-worker" anyway.. I still might.... but he mentioned going out of town anyway. Ha, I looked on Tinder just now and he's definitely still out of town. He's sexy, I'll give him that. If I wanted that 'attention' and the sexual aggression I haven't had for some time, he'd be my guy. Very tempting.

 

You know, as a side note... I'm not going to make any effort with men anymore as far as initiating or asking, or pursuing, etc. At least recently... it's been kind of cool that I just have to sit back and do nothing and these guys seem to come to me. Even if I ignore or don't respond... they keep trying, and keep trying to pin me down to see me. I could get used to this.

 

 

After my last 'experience' with A, I realized that although it's really tough to sit back and let a man pursue you if you are also very interested, it's kind of what needs to happen. I remember my last boyfriend (a VERY long time ago now).. in the beginning, I never had to initiate or wonder how he felt. He brought the flowers, he wrote me long emails, he called, he was urgent about seeing me, it kept building and becoming more urgent, he never let it slip. I think I initiated seeing each other ONCE. Every other time he made it happen. All I had to do was sit back and let him work his ass off trying to get to me

Anyway, I know now that's what it's supposed to look like, and I'm holding out for that.

Edited January 11, 2015 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Tomorrow's supposed to be the big day (night). Over the past week, I got so used to him contacting me daily, yesterday was the first time I didn't hear from him. I was going to wait until this evening and if I hadn't heard by then, I'd text and ask if we're still on for tomorrow. I think he should be the one to do that, though. I'm sure he won't forget. I hope it happens. FINALLY!

My cousin told me that she and her now fiancé met online and talked (texting and messaging) also for months before they actually met for their first date. She said they never called each other on the phone before meeting. Her story made me feel more comfortable about this situation. I'm new to online dating and honestly not the biggest fan of it, but to hear her success made me feel hopeful and not so cynical.

 

I did hear from the "co-worker" (he's not really a co-worker)... and I don't see the harm in responding to his messages. I prefer to go out with Ski Slopes first and see how that transpires. But I think it's ok that I still talk to other men in the meantime. That doesn't require too much effort and mental energy.

 

I know the 'rule' for first date meeting someone you met online is to keep it brief, like just drinks. But I think in this case, since he suggested dinner that means he'd rather spend more time. So would I! This is my first online first date that I'm super excited about! I've been on less than five online dates over the past year or so. But none that I was genuinely excited about like this one. Any suggestions are appreciated!

Edited January 12, 2015 by venusishername

[losangelena]

This is my first online first date that I'm super excited about! I've been on less than five online dates over the past year or so. But none that I was genuinely excited about like this one. Any suggestions are appreciated!

 

Having gone on online dates with 30 men before meeting my current boyfriend, I'd say go in with a healthy dose of skepticism. Try not getting caught up in your connection or chemistry, but really listen to what he's saying. Don't ignore red flags just because he's handsome or makes you feel good. God, that stuff goes so far out the window when it comes to real compatibility. My guy and I had pretty stunted chemistry at first—it really took time to develop, but I'm glad I stuck around because he's a truly great boyfriend.

 

If you're nervous, go for a walk beforehand. I tend to park far away from the date location and get my nervous energy out before walking in.

[venusishername]

Crap, you guys!

I'm on pins and needles. I haven't heard from him. What if after ALL this waiting, and me reaching out to him after a month's time... nothing happens?! I admit, I let my mind play out a little fantasy about him and the way the date would go, and the dates following... No harm in having a little fantasy. I'm not going to be crushed if it doesn't happen that way.

 

I was sure I would've heard by now, or at least by the end of today :/

I don't want to be the one to ask him 'so, are we still meeting tomorrow?' (although that would be totally acceptable and normal for me to do that.)

However, I'm really enjoying the pursuit.. even though I was the one who let him know I was still interested, that's all I had to do! I've basically just had to sit back and let him do all the work planning our date(s) each time.

I should give it the benefit of the doubt. He has yet to 'forget' or drop off about following through on a plan with me. If he suggests a day, he remembers. In the event he couldn't make it, he suggested another specific day. I assume he asked me for Tuesday because that's when HE was free.

Wtf is wrong with me?! I'm acting like no man has ever asked me out for dinner before.

The worst possible outcome of this is that he doesn't follow through. The next worst thing would be our date tomorrow happens and there was no chemistry in person, despite what has been all along through the messaging/texting.

I don't know why I'm putting so much pressure on this. Maybe because I REALLY want this to take flight....

Edited January 13, 2015 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

Just ask him if you're on and get it over with.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Do you really expect him to check in the night before your date? There are a million reasons he hasn't contacted you yet---he's busy, he doesn't want to come on too strong, he's on an airplane, he has tuberculosis---and "trying to passive-aggressively hint that he's going to stand you up" is probably at the very bottom, several places below "he's dead". He won't do that, especially not on a first date. If he does he's such a scumbag he doesn't deserve another word in your posts.

 

The first few dates make everyone a little nutty. You seem to be handling it pretty well, honestly; you're so excited and desperate for this to work that maybe you're building it up a bit too much, but that's like a .5 on the 10-point Irrational Scale, so you're fine. My advice is to unwind, take a walk and/or a bubble bath, and plan something fun for this weekend. That way you'll feel more calm and you'll have something to look forward to no matter how this date turns out.

[Eighty_nine]

I think you should confirm the date asap. He's been pursuing and its normal for you to be confused that he's been quiet today. Hold him to his word and causally ask about the plans for tomorrow.

[venusishername]

Well no sooner did I hit 'submit'!

I DID expect him to contact me the night before our planned date, and he did!

I don't have the details yet... But YES! Tomorrow is still on! To be continued...

Either way, I'm going to hit the gym tonight and get some beauty sleep. ! Lately I've been very conscious of my health and resting when I feel anxious and restless. It's important to unwind.

Lined up other activities this week with friends.

I don't want to jinx this by desperately wanting it to work though. I will keep that in mind. So far, obviously I'm excited and he seems to be too...

I can't imagine we'll have a boring date. He doesn't seem like the boring type at all. Whenever I've met someone online for a date (I can count on one hand), only one has been a total snooze. The others were cool and I had a good time but no chemistry. Let's hope this one will be better! I've never talked with someone this long and at this length so that's got to be a good sign I think. He seems like a great guy and a total catch!

I still can't help but feel intimidated a little.. Like I said, (10 years) older, successful, very impressive and admirable career, all those material things. But what's also very attractive is that he's adventurous and hardworking and I like his sense of humor and well...the manners are winning me over!!

I'd like to be wined and dined! I hope to have that again soon, whether this works out past date one or not! Now I'm not messing around with anything less than what I want! I'll have to sift through all the frogs if I have to! No more 'boys'!!

I want someone who knows what they want as much as I do and goes after it. Took me so long to stand my ground on that one.

I think my experience dating A was a good lesson for me to realize that.

Edited January 13, 2015 by venusishername

[venusishername]

We have a time and (general) location!

All I had to do was tell him what time I am off work and I can just picture him googling restaurants near my workplace.

Already a good sign that he's taken the initiative from the START. It may seem trivial, but it goes a long way with me. I don't think all men do that. At least not all of the men I've been out with.

He made a suggestion and I said I was open to that but since I'd be walking from work, I'd prefer somewhere just a little closer. (It's about a city street one mile distance).. not too safe at night anyway, but could be worse.

I thought it was very sweet that he said he would see what he could find closer to me- that he didn't want me to worry about walking.

Ha! All the treks I've done down there when I lived there.... if he only knew.

I appreciate the chivalry nonetheless.

I think I'm going to have to take something to help me sleep...

[venusishername]

As it turns out, he suggested somewhere that was closer to where I live (not too close), and I'm glad he suggested it because it's a GREAT first date place!

We're on for tonight!

I woke up nearly every hour last night, so I'm not as 'alert' as I'd like to be.

I have a little time to go home and freshen up and change after work too.

I'm SOOO nervous... but the good thing is I already know there will be no struggle in the conversation, I already like his personality, I am intrigued by him and there is very clearly an excitement pulsing through the unspoken wavelengths! That's a promising start! I must say, I have yet to be this excited about a date in a very long time.

We were texting until long after 10 last night about the exact details too. I could tell he was also excited because we ended every sentence with an exclamation point!

 

My girlfriend asked me to tell her where and when I was going, so she could be my 'emergency' exit or phone call, or for safety reasons. I know that's important but in this case, I don't need an escape route!

 

In the worst case scenario, I won't feel the chemistry and will thank him for the date and drive home.

In the best case scenario, I will feel the chemistry in person and thank him for the date and drive home, then see him again.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Those posts break my heart, if only because planning ahead and being considerate of someone's commute ought to be basic human niceties. I don't know if all men take the initiative, but everyone who's ever bothered to ask me out has at least been decent enough to plan. When I ask men out I do the planning. Are there really that many people who aren't clear on the issue?

 

Have a lovely night tonight and relax. I think you'll be absolutely fine. My only concern is that your fantasy meter is sort of in overdrive---I mean, you're envisioning him looking up restaurants like it's the most romantic thing in the world, and "excitement pulsing through the unspoken wavelengths" really sounds like projecting---so just try to keep your expectations in check and have a good time. Your girlfriend is awesome, by the way. I once needed an escape route in a date (not because he was boring, but because he was dangerous) and really wished I had a friend to help.

 

PS: eat exactly what you want and however much of it you want. Calories don't count on first dates.

[venusishername]

Those posts break my heart, if only because planning ahead and being considerate of someone's commute ought to be basic human niceties. I don't know if all men take the initiative, but everyone who's ever bothered to ask me out has at least been decent enough to plan. When I ask men out I do the planning. Are there really that many people who aren't clear on the issue?

 

Have a lovely night tonight and relax. I think you'll be absolutely fine. My only concern is that your fantasy meter is sort of in overdrive---I mean, you're envisioning him looking up restaurants like it's the most romantic thing in the world, and "excitement pulsing through the unspoken wavelengths" really sounds like projecting---so just try to keep your expectations in check and have a good time. Your girlfriend is awesome, by the way. I once needed an escape route in a date (not because he was boring, but because he was dangerous) and really wished I had a friend to help.

 

PS: eat exactly what you want and however much of it you want. Calories don't count on first dates.

 

Thanks. Of course, but I suppose I'm kind of used to 'where do you want to go? What do you want to do?' from the men I've dated. Maybe with the exception of a few.. but a first date planned and extra effort is really refreshing. Of course considerations of commute is basic manners. I'm just saying he seems very polite, that's all! And I can sense the excitement- I don't think I'm projecting that!

However, I admit I am guilty of over-romanticizing this. I'm just excited. I just wish I had more sleep last night :/

Salad for lunch

Edited January 13, 2015 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

Hope you're having a good time. Please, don't get too excited!! Can't stress this enough. Wait wait wait to see where it's going before being over the moon about him.

[losangelena]

Hope you're having a good time. Please, don't get too excited!! Can't stress this enough. Wait wait wait to see where it's going before being over the moon about him.

 

I totally agree with BluEyeL, and, at the risk of sounding like I'm lecturing, I just want to caution you about the attitude of sitting back and letting the men do all the work, or having an expectation that "the right guy" is going to be the one to "do everything right."

 

In my (granted) limited experience, the men who "did everything right," the ones who knew the right things to say, who tried hard to keep my interest, who planned all the right kinds of dates, were often the ones who'd just had a lot of dating experience, and that's it. Sure, they may have known all the right buttons to push, but that didn't mean they were sincere in their interest. They were just more smooth about it. It didn't mean they were players, they just knew more how to be around women.

 

Now of course, there's something very seductive about that—what woman does not want to be charmed, does not want to be wined and dined? But I've also noticed that there isn't necessarily a corollary between a guy knowing all the right things to say and actual relational readiness or compatibility. That's the hitch, and that's where I think you need to keep your eyes open to reality. A man who's good at dates will not necessarily be good at relationships.

 

A guy I dated about a year ago was like this. He'd been previously married, and made plenty of money and was sophisticated enough to treat me to fancy meals, to invite me to box seats at a Lakers game, to get me coffee and make me breakfast in the mornings at his place. He said and did ALL the right things to make me feel like he was truly invested. But when he broke up with me a mere six weeks in (two days, in fact, after he brought up exclusivity), he contradicted himself by saying he'd never seen a future with me, and that he thought our lifestyles were incompatible (when he'd said the exact opposite weeks earlier). Anyway, all the charm and "right doing" were great, but they added up to absolutely zero in the end.

 

In contrast, my current BF has NOT had a lot of relationship experience, and it shows. He often does not say the right thing (or anything at all), at the beginning I had to reach out and plan dates, he didn't keep very good contact, etc. But the difference between he and this other fellow is that he's genuine. Awkward, yes, but genuine. I can trust what he does tell me, and see his care for me in other ways. I don't have to measure his depth of feeling by what some dating guidelines tell me I should look out for. If that were the case, I'd have left long ago. Four months in, I'm so glad I didn't. He's one of the sweetest, most gentle, most generous people I know.

 

ANYWAY. I don't mean to hijack your thread at all, I just want to speak to what you've been writing about in regards to this new man. I DO hope the best for you, I DO hope he's everything he seems and then some. I'm excited to hear an update. But I wanted to share my own experience in the hopes that you or whoever else reads this will realize that JUST BECAUSE a man seems to do all the dating things right, that doesn't always equate to him being THE ONE.