When it rains it pours

[DivorcedDad123]

Just be nice. Nice is SO attractive. Playing mind games of contact or no contact isn't nice.

What caught my attention was how mannerly and nice my gf is. If she wanted to talk, she contacted me. It felt good from the start. I felt appreciated and wanted. Even if it was just to wish me a good day.

[venusishername]

Ok.. so I got my answer... I think. (about the other guy, R)

He said he did like me and enjoyed the time we spent together, and that he'd like to see what happens from here. When we met up, there was drinking involved and it probably wasn't the best 'gauge' to see if it would be a good fit. He mentioned that.

He understands where I'm coming from and I think he's got the right idea.

Again, I'm open to meeting him but certainly not for wine and a movie alone at his home. That just reeks of sex, and I'd like to take that off the table at the moment, just in general.

Edited January 16, 2015 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Ok, so now I'm presented with exactly the issue I was worried about and the reason why I don't like this whole multidating idea.

I REALLY like Maverick and he's proving to me that he's interested.

I also did agree to meet R and he keeps persisting. I am interested to an extent, but I feel he's the backup plan. That's not right. I like M so much more than R.

The only reason I'm conflicted and even entertaining this idea is because I don't know if it's going to work out with M yet.

 

It's Saturday night. Both of them have asked me out for a drink tonight. They both contacted me this morning. I told R no to the non-public date last night. He asked me on a public date tonight.

M contacted me this morning to inform me that his work trip has been postponed, so his weekend has freed up. He told me his plans for today and ended it with "then...?... Would be really nice to meet you for a drink!" I said yes, that would be great.. and I told him my plans for the day and that I'm freed up after that (which I was by mid-afternoon).

It's now about dinnertime... and I haven't heard. He said he had previous plans to meet friends for dinner but I took what he was saying as he'd like to see me after that. But.. I haven't heard back to confirm!

R is still waiting my response. I told him I had plans this afternoon not sure when I'd be freed up but could get in touch when I was.

 

So now I'm sitting here wondering wtf I should do.

The safe bet would be to go out with my own friends and just be ready to meet with M when he's done. If he's tied up, then we can get together another time... that's fine. I didn't expect to see him until he returned from the work trip anyway. I was surprised that he would suggest getting together tonight because it sounds like he's got a fully scheduled day. But of course I'm happy that he wants to see me for a second date so soon after the first

 

 

I feel ****ty for stringing it along with R- I mean, I would want someone to be honest with me if they weren't really sure, or were interested (a lot) in someone else. I'm only entertaining this idea because I don't want to pin all my hopes into something I'm not sure will take off.

 

Help.

What should I tell R?

Would you make other plans since it wasn't confirmed yet with M? I was expecting at least a timeframe...

Edited January 18, 2015 by venusishername

[venusishername]

And... again, as soon as I hit submit, he contacts me.

There's my answer!

 

 

Now I just need to tell R I can't see him tonight.

I don't know how to do this. I feel terrible for stalling on him.

I don't think I can be available to more than one man at a time... if there's sincere interest with one... I just can't.

[idoltree]

I don't think I can be available to more than one man at a time... if there's sincere interest with one... I just can't.

 

Here's the problem I see with what just happened: Maverick (lol - nice name) took forever to get back to you with a time but you made sure that you were still free to see him.

 

Now, simply by observing your actions, he knows that you are willing to be super-accommodating to to be able to see him, so he essentially knows how you feel about him. I don't think this was a conscious test or anything, but it happened. How different the power dynamic would be if you'd said "Well, I really wanted to see you but I didn't hear from you so I made other plans! Next time?"

 

I understand that you're crazy about this guy but you don't seem to realize the signals that you are sending (available to text all day every day, making your schedule open to him) are showing him that you're crazy about him. And in the beginning, when pursuit is important, you're making it pretty easy for him and he may lose interest if he knows you're a sure thing.

 

There's a way to be receptive to him and happy to see him without giving signals of being fully on board. It's a balance, and you have to think about not only what you say but what you do. Especially if you are attracted to the alpha male type - you have to make it a little bit of a challenge to win you over or they lose interest.

 

You should not be showing this guy that you're all in, even if you feel that way. Don't revolve your life around him. Don't be available for texting all day every day. Don't allow him to make plans at the last minute and still be able to see you, because then he knows your schedule revolves around him if that's what he wants. You've been on one date with the guy, making tentative plans but taking forever to give you a time is a little bit rude and entitled and you shouldn't be rewarding that behavior by still letting him see you.

 

This is why people have been urging you to multi-date, so you are not so accommodating to the guys you develop strong feelings for very early on. And your recent posts show that you bristle at the concept of multi-dating, because it doesn't allow you to be so accommodating to the guys you develop strong feelings for very early on. See the problem?

[sagamore]

Sorry to p*ss on your parade, Venus - but I really don't like that he asked you out for just a post-dinner drink on a Saturday night. Why not dinner? Reeks of booty call to me. And then he kept you waiting on the time? Eh...not loving it.

 

I fully expect you to rebut this post by defending him and giving me 45,000 reasons why he's still awesome. Hell, he may be. But I'm not convinced.

[Brooke02]

Sorry to p*ss on your parade, Venus - but I really don't like that he asked you out for just a post-dinner drink on a Saturday night. Why not dinner? Reeks of booty call to me. And then he kept you waiting on the time? Eh...not loving it.

 

I fully expect you to rebut this post by defending him and giving me 45,000 reasons why he's still awesome. Hell, he may be. But I'm not convinced.

 

^^I agree. You were feeling bad for stringing R around, yet Maverick was doing that to you. I think you should've went out with R... Your sitting around waiting for Maverick.

[Eighty_nine]

I don't think just wanting to meet for a drink (vs dinner) is a big deal at this point, but making you wait to hear back to make solid plans isn't cool. If he does that again you should say you're unavailable and to get back to you sooner next time.

[venusishername]

Here's the problem I see with what just happened: Maverick (lol - nice name) took forever to get back to you with a time but you made sure that you were still free to see him.

 

Now, simply by observing your actions, he knows that you are willing to be super-accommodating to to be able to see him, so he essentially knows how you feel about him. I don't think this was a conscious test or anything, but it happened. How different the power dynamic would be if you'd said "Well, I really wanted to see you but I didn't hear from you so I made other plans! Next time?"

 

I understand that you're crazy about this guy but you don't seem to realize the signals that you are sending (available to text all day every day, making your schedule open to him) are showing him that you're crazy about him. And in the beginning, when pursuit is important, you're making it pretty easy for him and he may lose interest if he knows you're a sure thing.

 

There's a way to be receptive to him and happy to see him without giving signals of being fully on board. It's a balance, and you have to think about not only what you say but what you do. Especially if you are attracted to the alpha male type - you have to make it a little bit of a challenge to win you over or they lose interest.

 

You should not be showing this guy that you're all in, even if you feel that way. Don't revolve your life around him. Don't be available for texting all day every day. Don't allow him to make plans at the last minute and still be able to see you, because then he knows your schedule revolves around him if that's what he wants. You've been on one date with the guy, making tentative plans but taking forever to give you a time is a little bit rude and entitled and you shouldn't be rewarding that behavior by still letting him see you.

 

This is why people have been urging you to multi-date, so you are not so accommodating to the guys you develop strong feelings for very early on. And your recent posts show that you bristle at the concept of multi-dating, because it doesn't allow you to be so accommodating to the guys you develop strong feelings for very early on. See the problem?

 

I get it, thank you. I think now I'll be backing off and not letting on I'm so interested. He did get back to me at around dinnertime, early enough.... to ask if I was free. He had contacted me early in the day and said he'd love to see me. So when he contacted me in the early evening, it seemed to me that was totally acceptable and not being 'totally available'. I feel like he made an effort to let me know in advance. It wasn't last minute. And guess what? When eventually I didn't hear from him I 'made other plans' anyway. (See below).

 

Sorry to p*ss on your parade, Venus - but I really don't like that he asked you out for just a post-dinner drink on a Saturday night. Why not dinner? Reeks of booty call to me. And then he kept you waiting on the time? Eh...not loving it.

 

I fully expect you to rebut this post by defending him and giving me 45,000 reasons why he's still awesome. Hell, he may be. But I'm not convinced.

 

Now I'm not convinced at all either. He had previous plans with friends is all for dinner. I think he may have just overcommitted by trying to plan something with me. I didn't expect to see him this weekend anyway. Booty call? There's no booty call involved in this situation.

 

I don't think just wanting to meet for a drink (vs dinner) is a big deal at this point, but making you wait to hear back to make solid plans isn't cool. If he does that again you should say you're unavailable and to get back to you sooner next time.

 

I'm with you, Lissvarna. I didn't feel upset about that because it sounded like he just had a full plate yesterday. He said how he'd really like to meet up with me once free for a drink and that he would love to see me before leaving the country for the week.

 

BUT... I never did see him last night. I'm pissed but I can't stay mad. It's just not worth it.

Here's what happened:

 

He had been contacting me since late morning yesterday, and telling me he had previous plans all day but would really like to see me for a drink. I said that would be great, I had a busy afternoon and hadn't made plans for the evening yet. (I was trying to be available since he was letting me know he'd like to schedule something.. call me wrong you'd like, it's just what happened.)

So, before 7:00 he contacted me and asked what I was up to and if I was free. I said I'd be free for a drink. He was downtown and said he'd like to get out of there, that he could come closer to my neighborhood to make it easier on me. I said that sounds great, how about such and such. He said great. He's a bit tied up with the group but "would love" to see me before he left on Monday. I told him I'd be ready to head out in about an hour's time, and that I had some friends at some other place I might stop by if it turned out he was still tied up. He responded and said great, I'll let you know. NEVER ****ING HEARD. I texted once I was heading out the door just to let him know I was heading out. Got all dressed up and met friends for an hour and came home, pissed.

 

I knew I'd at least be hearing from him today, and finally did around noon. He was very apologetic and said he got sick and had to go home last night. It sounds to me like he overcommitted and got ****faced drunk.

I responded and simply said: "Sorry to hear."

I'm sure there will be more to follow later once he's not so hung over ("sick"). I'm guessing he's pretty embarrassed and/or knows he blew it.

If I was hammered I wouldn't want to see someone I'm trying to impress. Hell, I've been there before. He seemed so anxious to see me, and once he said he had work buddies on their way that flipped a switch in my head... I know these military guys like to one-up each other with the booze. I think that's where it turned.

 

But guess what?? He just got bumped down to step one. I'm not going to STAY mad... but I'm certainly not happy. I know that he didn't intentionally try to stand me up or anything. But.. if he's been trying to impress me he just failed big time. I don't think he's a liar or a complete jerk or anything. I've gotten carried away with drinking before so I understand, it happens. I don't think he was consciously trying to 'play' or manipulate me.

 

I never contacted R after last night when I said I'd made other plans. Now he's looking much more appealing.

I hate to stereotype, but the kind of man M is has a bad rap for being a drunk playboy. I know they're not all like that and that goes for a lot of men no matter what they do for a living.

 

I also see how I made myself 'too available' and came across as eager to see him.. in a way. He just seemed very eager to see ME, so I wanted to reciprocate it!! What was I supposed to do, be like 'eh.. that would be nice.. but I'm kinda busy'.

Honestly, he seemed so anxious to see me I thought it was a sure thing.??

 

 

I know some of you might tell me to never speak to him again. Or is this forgivable and should I just keep a distance and see what follows now?

I'm also not worried about finding a man or a date or anything, actually. I'm just fine on my own. I don't need to fill up my schedule or anything; I'm busy enough. Kinda thinking maybe I should take a little 'me' time right now.

Edited January 18, 2015 by venusishername

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I don't think what he did is unforgivable but it's incredibly unattractive and a real red flag. Even if you don't mind his flaking on the invitation, do you really want to date a forty-year-old man who still gets blind drunk like a frat boy? Don't make excuses for him with his military background (you are really romanticizing that for reasons I don't understand; do you have a lot of experience with the military?). A grow man should be able to drink and take care of himself. Period.

 

Don't get me wrong, everyone makes mistakes. But letting you down like this after one date, and without any real effort on his part to apologize, is a bad sign.

[venusishername]

I don't think what he did is unforgivable but it's incredibly unattractive and a real red flag. Even if you don't mind his flaking on the invitation, do you really want to date a forty-year-old man who still gets blind drunk like a frat boy? Don't make excuses for him with his military background (you are really romanticizing that for reasons I don't understand; do you have a lot of experience with the military?). A grow man should be able to drink and take care of himself. Period.

 

Don't get me wrong, everyone makes mistakes. But letting you down like this after one date, and without any real effort on his part to apologize, is a bad sign.

 

Well, that's what it seems to me happened. He was very apologetic earlier and I'm sure I'll hear more later. I don't see how he could be so eager to see me and then just flip the switch so fast... Unless he got too drunk.

You're right, it's unattractive and I'd bet he probably feels like a dumbass.

 

I'm not making excuses I'm just not totally surprised.

Also, to answer your question, yes I do. Part of the area I've grown up and the men I've known/family/dated since high school,etc.

Edited January 19, 2015 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

Yeah, this is not good, Venus. At this point, I call this a fail. And I'm always right:p He's OK with disappointing you. He didn't keep his word. He didn't care. Not good. For me? Yeah, unforgivable.

 

You'll not stay mad, but I call it a bust. Only a matter for time...and not a very long time..another one bites the dust. Onwards and upwards, or whatever you Americans say!!! Cheers to better men in the future!

 

And could you please use something else other than tinder?

[Leigh 87]

If a man is into you he will make the time to see you; if he has to cancel plans he will call, and he will also re schedule.

 

He probably thought you were an attractive lady and a good catch and wants to keep you around as a dating prospect, but he is crazy about you or that into you as to make you a priority.

 

I recently had a guy interstate on the other side of the country make me apriority; called and texted daily without fail.. apologised if he couldn't. Despite the distance, if a guy is into you, he will make the time. There won't be broken promises or the breaking of plans without so much as a courtesy call to apologise and to make alternate arrangements.

 

I would usually urge you to date this guy and see how it turns out while you remain open to meeting a guy who is really into you from the get go. However, this guy seems to have you by the heart strings in terms of your level of interest - I doubt you could continue dating him whilst also being open to a man who likes you more.

 

I would suggest pulling the plug and waiting out for a man who is just really into you, who doesn't keep you wondering.

 

There is no sense of wondering when a man is truly into you. You just know.

 

You don't have to read into the cancellation of plans because it doesn't happen and they provide an timely apology.. they don't wait until the following day with a lame excuse!

 

Try to be strong and walk away. You deserve to hold out for mutual fire works where you are BOTH super excited about getting to know one another!

[Leigh 87]

I also want to highlight - there is a difference between being really into a girl, and merely "liking them well enough".

 

I am sure this guy was initially excited about meeting you. I am sure he really did enjoy your date and he does like you a lot as a person!

 

I don't think you knocked his socks off though. I hold out for that when I date... it is not common but not all that rare either.. if you are an attractive and pleasant woman it isn't hard to find that sort of connection where the guy is into you on a different level to merely "really liking your company and finding you to be attractive"

 

The times a guy has been really into me, they don't cancel plans, they text and call every day albeit not all guys are massive texters.

 

There was non of this crap that A or the current guy pulled.

 

Isn't it better to pull out of this now, before you get invested and even more anxious and excited about this new man?

 

I mean, I tried to give a guy a chance when he cancelled on me because he seemed genuinely remorseful... we both just stopped texting one another and it faded out eventually. It never ends well when a guy isn't really excited about meeting you...It is worth holding out for! This guy isn't it, he just liked you well enough I hope you can see that.

 

 

 

Good luck. I met the latest guy on a train, of all places! I enjoyed a short but very intense affair that may or may not continue but love happens unexpectedly if you hold out for the right type of guy, who is really into you.

[venusishername]

Yeah, this is not good, Venus. At this point, I call this a fail. And I'm always right:p He's OK with disappointing you. He didn't keep his word. He didn't care. Not good. For me? Yeah, unforgivable.

 

You'll not stay mad, but I call it a bust. Only a matter for time...and not a very long time..another one bites the dust. Onwards and upwards, or whatever you Americans say!!! Cheers to better men in the future!

 

And could you please use something else other than tinder?

 

Honestly, I feel like I need to take a break from dating right now.

I think he knows he pulled a ****ty move. He either feels like a complete ass and/or just doesn't give a damn.

 

If a man is into you he will make the time to see you; if he has to cancel plans he will call, and he will also re schedule.

 

He probably thought you were an attractive lady and a good catch and wants to keep you around as a dating prospect, but he is crazy about you or that into you as to make you a priority.

 

You don't have to read into the cancellation of plans because it doesn't happen and they provide an timely apology.. they don't wait until the following day with a lame excuse!

 

Try to be strong and walk away. You deserve to hold out for mutual fire works where you are BOTH super excited about getting to know one another!

 

Well, you know.. it REALLY seemed to me that after we met he was even MORE excited about me.. I didn't even make it home before he asked if I got there and how great of a time he had. Then he starts contacting me several times a day instead of just once or twice as before.

To ME that seems like a genuine interest. I see what you're getting at though... that maybe I didn't knock his socks off or something. I just knocked one sock off!

 

I am sure this guy was initially excited about meeting you. I am sure he really did enjoy your date and he does like you a lot as a person!

Well then what's the problem then? He seemed really anxious to see me all day yesterday.. all day up until the 11th hour. He even said something that conveyed this urgency like 'I want to get out of here; I'll come to you' or something to that tune.

 

I don't think you knocked his socks off though. I hold out for that when I date... it is not common but not all that rare either.. if you are an attractive and pleasant woman it isn't hard to find that sort of connection where the guy is into you on a different level to merely "really liking your company and finding you to be attractive"

There was non of this crap that A or the current guy pulled.

 

Are you telling me that a guy initiating contacting me on a daily basis multiple times a day for a stretch of two-three months time is not really excited about me?? And after we meet if he picks up the frequency and expresses urgency about seeing me a few days later that he ONLY 'just finds me to be attractive?' What kind of logic is this? I AM an attractive and pleasant woman. So why is this evading me so much?? With someone that really seemed to be showing his interest all along??

There was someone I talked to for about a month over the summer that I wrote about in another thread. In that case, I could see that HE felt that way.. that I'm attractive and he enjoys my company. But this one? I feel it's been leagues and leagues of difference.. even compared to A!!!

 

It never ends well when a guy isn't really excited about meeting you...It is worth holding out for! This guy isn't it, he just liked you well enough I hope you can see that.

 

No Leigh, I can't see that in this situation. He seemed VERY excited to meet me last night, and had brought it up hours and hours in advance. I don't understand. Why on earth would he tell me how amazing a night our first date was, talk about our second date plans, and then tell me how much he'd love to see me before he goes away?? Why even bother? Someone can't fake those things if they aren't true.

 

The more time passes today I'm actually in a state of shock. He did apologize earlier and I replied tersely and I haven't heard all day. I may or I may not ever hear from him again, actually. Hey, it happened last time with A.

It's really hard to trust people's intentions.... even when it seems that all along it was going very well. I had no reason to mistrust his interest. After our date it seemed to increase for both of us. Wtf?!

 

How am I going to know if someone's REALLY INTO me?? I can't even trust my own feelings

Edited January 19, 2015 by venusishername

[Leigh 87]

It is hard to trust Venus, I know. I also have had a guy text me daily and tell me how much he was falling for me... Only to disappear.

 

In this case I think I over reacted - I didn't read ALL your journal on the date and the aftermath I skimmed over it:o

 

Well yeah, plans fall through.

 

I have had a guy that was into me wanting to ditch his original new years eve plans in order to see me! Only he didn't and he didn't text that night either really; we too had only met once.

 

Alas, he called the next day and we have talked daily ever since and it was clear he WAS very much into me...

 

I guess he only just met you and he doesn't owe it to a knew woman to just... ALWAYS have to answer to her if he cannot make it into her part of town in order to see her. Sure, if he did this more than once and later into the fledging relationship - that is a no no, three strikes and you're out:lmao:

 

I guess he was just a little inconsiderate! He should have called you to cancel and arrange new plans. It IS strike one I am afraid - but given how he has acted aside from this one incident - he could very well have had BOTH his socks knocked off:lmao:

 

It is definitely strike one though. Considerate people call to cancel.

 

But sure he could have been really into you from the get go, time will tell!

 

I apologise for not reading your entire explanation of the date and the aftermath properly......

 

You were right to respond tersely but not in an overt angry sort of a tone!

 

I also give simple one word answers to that stuff! I say " ok fair enough" , because to ME, that is akin to saying " well that was rude and I expect to be treated well but hey we don't really know one another and I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt"

 

Some may say that a short response is over bearing and signalling that you're angry. Which is inappropriate so early into the dating game!

[Eighty_nine]

Have you assessed recently the type of people you choose to date?

It seems to me like you're an articulate, attractive, social person with a decent career, family relationships, interests etc.

You sound like a "catch" and it's odd that you keep having these dating experiences. I've been there- I think I'm "a catch" too with similar positive qualities. So I couldn't understand WHY I was experiencing so many dissapointments until I really started to recognize my poor choices in picking men.

Actually my boyfriend now, while I mostly liked him on our first date, was not my "type" and I could've gone either way. He pursued me and so I went with it (I did think about cutting it off about 3 dates in). I'm so glad I didn't because he makes me so happy. And he's markedly different than the string of jerks I picked. Any doubts I had in the beginning about my attraction to him are totally gone. Just saying, you might want to think about that.... If you follow a "type" that tend to behave poorly.

 

Old me would probably give M another chance, but wiser-older me wouldn't (I hope!) in any case I say he gets no more than one more chance to make and follow through with solid date plans. Any further flakiness and you have to cut him off completely.

 

The military thing I don't get. That's actually a turn off for me, but I know many people who are into that.

Edited January 19, 2015 by lissvarna

[Leigh 87]

Yeah I would give him one more chance.

 

Not two more chances.

 

I digress - I don't think you go for the wrong types - you just meet men who aren't blown away enough by you and let you go.

 

I personally am not a fan of dating men whom I am not super excited about from date one - I go for intense chemistry and connections that are instantaneous because, if you end up compatible, it makes for more intense relationships with more passion. I don't date people who are " less good" in bed than others that I have previously had more "sizzle" with.

 

It worked for Lisa though, maybe going for the guys who excite you isn't working, who knows. Only time will tell!

 

I do know there is LESS of a chance of finding a relationship if you wait out for "those men" who excite you from date one, but it still isn't slim pickings for women like us who are attractive enough and interesting enough.

 

Good luck with the second date, if he cancels again without calling and arranging an alternate time, drop him like a hot potato!

[venusishername]

Have you assessed recently the type of people you choose to date?

It seems to me like you're an articulate, attractive, social person with a decent career, family relationships, interests etc.

You sound like a "catch" and it's odd that you keep having these dating experiences.

Just saying, you might want to think about that.... If you follow a "type" that tend to behave poorly.

 

Thank you, I also think I'm a catch and all my family and friends are scratching their heads as to how I could possibly still be single.

I think I just won't settle. I have no shortage of men who approach me and who want to date me. That's not the issue. I just honestly think I haven't found the right fit... I tend to go for the immediate chemistry and passion over the 'friends first' though. Maybe that's the problem? I'm not sure.

 

Old me would probably give M another chance, but wiser-older me wouldn't (I hope!) in any case I say he gets no more than one more chance to make and follow through with solid date plans. Any further flakiness and you have to cut him off completely.

 

The military thing I don't get. That's actually a turn off for me, but I know many people who are into that.

 

I just think that last night was forgivable but also inconsiderate and poorly planned on his part.

Maybe I'm more sensitive to it now because he flaked....but I mentioned before that he postponed (made an alternate plan) the weekend before we met for the first date because he was sick.. I mean these things happen! I was actually under the weather too. We had been chatting all week while he was out of state and he had suggested meeting Saturday once he was home; then the day prior he told me he had a bad cold and can we make it for Tuesday instead? That sounded on the up and up to me, and I realize the man is busy.. but now I'm wondering if he's been making excuses all along.

 

And yes, to each her own.. I go for the man in uniform type. Cops, firemen, military, etc. It's just a thing

 

Yeah I would give him one more chance.

Not two more chances.

 

As you say, 'fair enough'

 

I digress - I don't think you go for the wrong types - you just meet men who aren't blown away enough by you and let you go.

 

:/ Well, it sounds like that's THEIR problem then! In any case, that's why I was trying the online dating and Tinder.. to expand my horizons...

 

Good luck with the second date, if he cancels again without calling and arranging an alternate time, drop him like a hot potato!

 

I think so too, Leigh.

Look, I know he's leaving for the work week. On our date he brought up the activities he'd like to do on our second date. He hasn't nailed down a that second date with a day and time once he returns; I assume(d) that we'd be talking in the meantime!

 

Like I said, today I responded to him in a manner that was very brief and neutral and didn't engage further conversation. It wasn't angry or emotional, and I didn't pester him to see if he was ok and ask what happened. (My gf who seems to have FAR worse luck with men than I do suggested I ask him if he was alright and what happened). I knew better. I could see how the night was going to end up the more time went on.

 

He knows he was inconsiderate; he even said how sorry he was for flaking. Even just a friend would apologize, no less a romantic interest. If I were in his shoes today, I probably wouldn't really know what more to say other than what he already did. Just that I was really sorry, this happened.. I feel terrible, whatever.

 

I wouldn't even assume there will be a second 'chance' to give until he comes around.

In my experience, and it sounds like it happens to a lot of us... sometimes people just literally drop off the face of the planet.

 

My birthday is this week.

So I'm taking some much needed 'me' time and doing a lot of the things I love. Today, all I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts. I walked for HOURS, took a bath, put on a mask, and ate my favorite junk food! I just feel like treating myself.

I'm taking a time out.

 

I'm not going to pursue or worry about any dating prospect. I need to hit my 're-set button.'

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm better off single anyway... and that's why it's been the case for these past couple years...

Edited January 19, 2015 by venusishername

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

He knows he was inconsiderate; he even said how sorry he was for flaking. Even just a friend would apologize, no less a romantic interest. If I were in his shoes today, I probably wouldn't really know what more to say other than what he already did.

 

What about "I'm so sorry; I still really want to see you so let's do dinner Wednesday"? That would have gone a long way. This is just supremely unimpressive.

[Eighty_nine]

Venus and Leigh, just to clarify, I'm not talking about "settling" or dating people you have no no attraction to/chemistry with. I'm saying that I feel women get caught up and MORE interested in unavailable guys. They're attractive to us for some reason. And while we may have guys around that we have decent chemistry and connection with, we veto exploring them further when there's a player-flake-unavailable type we want to win the approval of. I've done it, so many women I know do it, sometimes I don't think we even realize we're doing it.

Edited January 19, 2015 by lissvarna

[Eighty_nine]

Yeah I would give him one more chance.

 

Not two more chances.

 

I digress - I don't think you go for the wrong types - you just meet men who aren't blown away enough by you and let you go.

 

I personally am not a fan of dating men whom I am not super excited about from date one - I go for intense chemistry and connections that are instantaneous because, if you end up compatible, it makes for more intense relationships with more passion. I don't date people who are " less good" in bed than others that I have previously had more "sizzle" with.

 

 

This seems short sighted to me. I liked my boyfriend on our first date, but wasn't over the moon about it. A few weeks later I was, a few months later I'm totally in love. Best sex ever, tons of chemistry, strong emotional connection Etc. This "instant" thing is overrated! Relationships are all about developing a connection. I've had the instantaneous thing and it normally burns out.

[BluEyeL]

I think she goes for the wrong types. It's not so much as them being or not being blown away (I think that's unrealistic and I'm totally with lissvarna here), it's just the way these men behave and it's not a reflection on her, it's a reflection on the guys' character. He can have one more chance, but in my eyes, he's no good. You don't treat a woman like that no matter if you are or not blown away. When the honeymoon phase passes, if the man is inconsiderate, he'll be back to being inconsiderate if that's who he is. He is showing who he is.

[Eighty_nine]

I think she goes for the wrong types. It's not so much as them being or not being blown away (I think that's unrealistic and I'm totally with lissvarna here), it's just the way these men behave and it's not a reflection on her, it's a reflection on the guys' character. He can have one more chance, but in my eyes, he's no good. You don't treat a woman like that no matter if you are or not blown away. When the honeymoon phase passes, if the man is inconsiderate, he'll be back to being inconsiderate if that's who he is. He is showing who he is.

 

Not to hijack this thread, but so many times I took bad or inconsiderate behavior as a reflection of myself vs on the character of the people I was dating. Such a mistake!

[venusishername]

Don't let a bunch of cranky internet forum members stop you, even if they're advising otherwise.

Just went back and read this !! Thanks, losangelena!

 

What about "I'm so sorry; I still really want to see you so let's do dinner Wednesday"? That would have gone a long way. This is just supremely unimpressive.

 

Totally. I have a feeling that will be coming in a day or so. Remember, I said he's going out of the country for the work week? Granted, he COULD have said "I'm so sorry, how about we get together when I get back?" But he already did ask to see me when he got back on the first date. I dunno... we'll see if that happens over the next few days. Right now I feel about a 50/50 chance that I'll hear from him over the next few days... due to location and/or interest.

 

I think she goes for the wrong types. It's not so much as them being or not being blown away (I think that's unrealistic and I'm totally with lissvarna here), it's just the way these men behave and it's not a reflection on her, it's a reflection on the guys' character. He can have one more chance, but in my eyes, he's no good. You don't treat a woman like that no matter if you are or not blown away. When the honeymoon phase passes, if the man is inconsiderate, he'll be back to being inconsiderate if that's who he is. He is showing who he is.

 

I see what you mean. You are so old school, BlueEye!

I'm not making excuses, but I wonder if he thought since our plans weren't TOTALLY firmed up and it was kind of a 'loose' plan like 'I have previous plans, but I'm trying to ditch out of this to see you' and drinking was involved.... in another part of town at that.... and once he heard I had an alternative plan to see friends on the way...that he thought he wasn't making me sit at home waiting for him. I dunno. It just sounded like the plans fell through, and that he got carried away.

I wasn't going to go out anyway, so I got all dressed up for nothing- which of course made me upset! He doesn't know that.

Bottom line is: I also thought it was rude of him to not at least get back to me that night, just to let me know he couldn't make it after all and let's try for next time. It's forgivable, sure.. especially if there's a lot of drinking involved and getting carried away.

 

 

Let's see what he does next. Like I said, I have a sneaking feeling he might just drop the ball on this though... not sure why I feel that way... maybe because I'm feeling insecure, or thinking that his foil the other night was because he met someone else.. who knows.

 

 

The thing is, I know he's interested. Maybe a bit inconsiderate, which shocks me after how polite and considerate he's been all along...he made a goof.

 

 

One person (IdolTree?) mentioned how I shouldn't be so 'available' as far as the communicating. Let's just say over the next day or so I hear from him. How would you suggest I 'act' as far as my responding to the texts, etc?? You mentioned that I shouldn't be available to text 'all day every day'. Do you mean, ignoring for awhile? Not getting back right away? Please explain. I feel I only respond when it's convenient for me and I never initiate... so not sure what you meant by that.

Edited January 19, 2015 by venusishername