When it rains it pours

[BluEyeL]

Yeah, maybe I'm "old school" because I'm 43 yo. But in my view, being respectful carries into the new times as well as back in the olden days.

 

When I was dating, more than 20 years ago, I let my ex-husband get away with being 1-2 h late for our dates, made excuses for his behavior in different situations etc. Just like you're doing with these men. It turns out, it all spoke of his character and I should have dumped him. What happened is that I got divorced anyway. You have to find you a good man to start with and be as "old school" as possible, if you want to eventually get married and have a loving, lasting marriage.

[venusishername]

I just don't think we should have this unrealistic ideal of the 'perfect' man who never makes mistakes and does everything right.. because it will never be that way. I've known a lot of 'good guys' who still goof sometimes! If you want to get really nitpicky..

I GET it though, it's about boundaries and respect.

Anyway.. feeling very blah today. Checked Tinder and he's still in the area and was recently active.

That means nothing because so was I.... mainly to snoop around. !

That's why I think he wanted to re-match to begin with after he had already asked for my number.

Just a side note with Tinder.. it's most of the time for me just something I look at out of boredom. Maybe I need to delete it again.

But still. Eh...

Edited January 19, 2015 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

It'll be that way. Not "perfect", nobody is perfect, but have reasonable standards. I expect to be treated the way I treat people around me. That means, I don't flake like that. Being late, not giving a firm time, not showing up and not letting me know what's going on, not immediately rescheduling for a firm time...all that is way substandard.

 

If you want to accept that, it is sad. Because there are men who will treat you with respect, they'll set up a date in advance, they'll never flake, be late with no serious reason, they'll ask you out at the end of each date, drive out of their way to pick you up, rearrange THEIR schedule for you, they'll eventually ask to see you more often etc.

 

Between 2013-2014 I dated approximately 30 men. I made excuses for those who did stuff like that but it always turned out they weren't "it". Eventually, after all that crap, I found someone who did "everything right" and I am happy I let the other ones go, or I would still be tied up and strung along by some other loser who might be hot and charming but is treating me like an option. If you want to find someone who will make you happy, be patient and have the courage to let go of substandard prospects.

 

And use something else other than tinder. And different standards for picking them too. Try meeting different types of men, not just one type. Look for behaviors and character traits.

[venusishername]

I'm feeling really depressed about this.

I just can't trust my own feelings- I feel like I was being SO careful about dating recently.. with this guy, etc.

He seemed to be doing (not just saying) everything right!!

The fact that I haven't heard since yesterday is just making me feel really ****ty. I feel like after what just happened that I can't trust it anymore. Maybe I'm totally overreacting.

 

On another note, I just heard from R right now! His ears must have been ringing.

Now I'm just going to go out with him. He keeps persisting.

I wasn't going to reach out... but he did. I'm going to go for it!

To be honest, I was hesitating partly because my friends thought he was arrogant and came off as jerky. Which is generally my type. I can give it a chance. He just suggested some fun activity for us to do... in public this time

And it sounds so much better than sitting here moping over not being able to trust my own feelings...

 

I'll just leave it at this: I know, from my experience with men over the past 15 years... the ones who are really interested in you won't let you slip away. If there's some misunderstanding or delay or distance, for whatever reason.. they don't let it drop. Even if a little time goes by, or whatever. They come back.

 

 

Let's see what happens. But now I'm going to go on that date with R.

Edited January 19, 2015 by venusishername

[idoltree]

I'm not making excuses, but I wonder if he thought since our plans weren't TOTALLY firmed up and it was kind of a 'loose' plan like 'I have previous plans, but I'm trying to ditch out of this to see you' and drinking was involved.... in another part of town at that.... and once he heard I had an alternative plan to see friends on the way...that he thought he wasn't making me sit at home waiting for him. I dunno. It just sounded like the plans fell through, and that he got carried away.

"I'm not making excuses, but let me go ahead and make excuses and say that I'm not to throw you guys off the trail."

 

Venus, I've only been following this thread since around the holidays, and I can already see that this is part of your pattern. A guy treats you in a less than stellar fashion and you write paragraphs about what could be going on with him and maybe that's why it's not so bad. Please stop that. Every time you start analyzing him, think "He was inconsiderate to me. The 'why' doesn't matter. I'm not a mind reader, and it doesn't change the fact that he was inconsiderate to me."

 

Personally, it doesn't take long to send a text to update you that the plans weren't going to happen.

 

If I were going to wager a guess, I'd say there was a woman wherever he was that seemed like a better bet for the evening, in terms of the potential to score with the least amount of effort on his part. He was keeping you as a backup option in case things fell through with her.

 

Now I'm just going to go out with him. He keeps persisting.

I wasn't going to reach out... but he did. I'm going to go for it!

I thought you were going to take some time off from dating. No offense Venus, but you seem to bounce from guy to guy, putting your hopes and dreams into one, and when it doesn't work, you bounce to another, where you put your hopes and dreams onto the other. (A --> M, M --> R)

 

To be honest, I was hesitating partly because my friends thought he was arrogant and came off as jerky. Which is generally my type.

Uhhh... did you really just type that? And are you really okay with having just typed that?

 

And it sounds so much better than sitting here moping over not being able to trust my own feelings...

Of course it does. It hurts to be alone and be introspective, but that's exactly what you need right now to break out of this pattern of yours and take a good hard look at the guys you're choosing for yourself and where you are missing red flags. Let yourself feel sad about how M treated you, so that you accept it. Don't do your usual running away from your feelings.

 

I wish you would spend some time alone, shed a few tears over hurt feelings, and remind yourself that his behavior had little to do with you, and everything to do with him. This isn't a fluke, this is who he is. This is how you will be treated by M.

 

If R's a serious contender, he'll still be there in a week or two.

[lil_missy]

Not sure you should go for a drink with R, this man asked you to come over his house for the first date! He is not looking for anything serious and chances are you wont change his mind.

His only persistent bcuz he has nothing to lose and everything to gain

Don't want you to be moaning about how his fading out on you in a weeks time

[Leigh 87]

This seems short sighted to me. I liked my boyfriend on our first date, but wasn't over the moon about it. A few weeks later I was, a few months later I'm totally in love. Best sex ever, tons of chemistry, strong emotional connection Etc. This "instant" thing is overrated! Relationships are all about developing a connection. I've had the instantaneous thing and it normally burns out.

 

Whatever floats your boat.

 

I find the guessing games that venusishername is documenting stem from the uncertainty she gets from the men who are not blown away by her initially, but who still think she is really attractive and a great catch on paper? Early dating is most enjoyable for me when the chemistry is intense and instant, the man is always more obvious with his interest and I don't usually have to be guessing whether or not he is keen on me or not... That is one way to look at my approach of the effortless and instant excitement factor I aim for.

 

It isn't unrealistic, I have mutually experienced it with enough men to know it is not that uncommon if you are open to experiencing all different types of men... even though it didn't work out due to not being compatible. It was great to not be left guessing their level of interest. I just knew. With the " had to grow into me" men it was not fun dating them in those early stages since they didn't know whether they were into me or not.

 

Whatever Venusishername opts to do, I feel she could benefit from holding out for something special, opposed to just dating men who think: meh, she is very attractive and is great on paper and a lovely lady to hang out with, but I don't feel a big spark and I am not excited about her" They then never really give her enough interest to ....hold HER interest in them, much less assure her that the early dating process is one to be enjoyed:sick: poor venusishername has been left thinking " well I felt good chemistry and I felt excited by him, why did he fade out and why did he cancel and not bring up another time?"

 

When I waited out for the men who were MUTUALLY excited about me from the get go, I simply never had to experience early dating woes. Even though it hasn't worked out with the my last guy, boy did I enjoy the early dating phase! It was exhilarating and I NEVER had to guess "is he into me" after the initial day or two that after I met him and he repeatedly showed that he was really into me!

 

There was just a world of difference between the men who I shared the instant connection and spark with, and a direct correlation between the instant chemistry and their early level of interest in the early dating stages. I ENJOYED early dating with the men who were into me from the get go. I didn't enjoy early dating with the men who weren't that into me but thought I was "hot" it just felt off and I never knew where I stood. There were cancelled dates and fade outs at a much higher rate with the men who weren't into me from the start, when compared to the into me men.

 

Maybe you can hold out for something more special, Venus?

 

...If a man is knocked over by you then well, maybe he wont cancel and be more inclined to make early dating a fun and joyous experience; even if it doesn't work out, you will have felt very desirable and at least ENJOYED the early dating phase without feeling depressed or anxious about whether or not they crave you in the bedroom, or if they are going to suggest meeting you again. You wont have to worry about them being online scouting for better options....

[BluEyeL]

I think going out with as many men as possible is best, I disagree with the time off. It's not necessary, she's not just coming out of a relationship, she had some dating disappointments that are completely normal. What you need to do is not sleep with any of these men. But going out to dinner/drinks and keeping an open mind, yes, that's fine and you get better at dating through practice. You can take small breaks if you burn out but continue dating as many men as possible and go for different types. That's the recipe for succes. Expect to take a couple of YEARS!! Nobody finds love right away!!

 

I also disagree with the instant blowing away connection. That's a fantasy. The guy cannot be honest with you or himself. He doesn't know you, so if he's head over heels right away, he's like that with a fantasy and usually these things end quickly because after 2-3 months he finds out who you are and you might not correspond to his fantasy. The sure bets are men who are CONSISTENT and move at a realistic pace. Not too slow (not seeing you twice a month), not too fast (not seeing you 4x/week from the get go). Someone who initially asks you out for every weekend, does that a couple of days in advance, contacts you at least a couple of times in between dates, NEVER cancels unless he's in the hospital or something really major happened, if he cancels he reschedules right away and in general keeps a steady pattern for the first 1-3 months. After that, he should step it up to seeing you more than 1 or 2x/week, should ask you to be his girlfriend and everything that comes with that.

[losangelena]

I think going out with as many men as possible is best, I disagree with the time off. It's not necessary, she's not just coming out of a relationship, she had some dating disappointments that are completely normal. What you need to do is not sleep with any of these men. But going out to dinner/drinks and keeping an open mind, yes, that's fine and you get better at dating through practice. You can take small breaks if you burn out but continue dating as many men as possible and go for different types. That's the recipe for succes. Expect to take a couple of YEARS!! Nobody finds love right away!!

 

I also disagree with the instant blowing away connection. That's a fantasy. The guy cannot be honest with you or himself. He doesn't know you, so if he's head over heels right away, he's like that with a fantasy and usually these things end quickly because after 2-3 months he finds out who you are and you might not correspond to his fantasy. The sure bets are men who are CONSISTENT and move at a realistic pace. Not too slow (not seeing you twice a month), not too fast (not seeing you 4x/week from the get go). Someone who initially asks you out for every weekend, does that a couple of days in advance, contacts you at least a couple of times in between dates, NEVER cancels unless he's in the hospital or something really major happened, if he cancels he reschedules right away and in general keeps a steady pattern for the first 1-3 months. After that, he should step it up to seeing you more than 1 or 2x/week, should ask you to be his girlfriend and everything that comes with that.

 

I agree with this completely, 100%.

 

I'd also say keep dating, and multi-date. Venus, I think the disappointments you're experiencing are because you get so excited for each one of these guys. Yes, it's fun and it feels good to be pursued, but I think you're letting the pursuing sort of cloud your judgement a bit. Perhaps a more experienced dater would have gone out with Maverick once and taken his recent snafu a bit more in stride. A blasé attitude is one of the most important things you can bring with you into dating. I don't mean being aloof or disinterested, but again, I implore you, remain a bit detached at first. The next time a Maverick type comes around, in your mind say, yes you're charming, and are showing interest and doing all these things "right," with planning dates and messaging and/or calling, but what does it all add up to? Showing interest is not enough. Having chemistry is not enough. Going out on long dates is not enough. Messaging and calling is not enough. You've got to wait until they've shown their character a bit, and then you can get excited.

 

The more men you agree to meet casually, the quicker you'll learn to remain detached. I used to feel the way you do, but then I started casual dating on a very regular basis, and one of the best things that did was it demystified romance and relationships, which was so very helpful.

[Eighty_nine]

 

 

 

When I waited out for the men who were MUTUALLY excited about me from the get go, I simply never had to experience early dating woes. Even though it hasn't worked out with the my last guy, boy did I enjoy the early dating phase! It was exhilarating and I NEVER had to guess "is he into me" after the initial day or two that after I met him and he repeatedly showed that he was really into me!

 

 

 

I didn't mean she should be dating men who unsure about their interest for her. Other way around really. I meant she should perhaps try a DIFFERENT kind of man, an emotionally available one who is interested and excited about her right away. My boyfriend was in the beginning- it was me who was sort of unsure about him, but instead of blowing him off for the player-types I had around, I gave my feelings time to develop and I'm so glad I did. I still think you're putting it on HER (venus), saying these men just aren't "blown away" by her, but I'm thinking it's more that they're not emotionally available for a relationship and any woman they became involved with would experience something very similar. That's why I feel like she should look at the "type" she's attracted to and consider something different.

[venusishername]

Venus, I've only been following this thread since around the holidays, and I can already see that this is part of your pattern. A guy treats you in a less than stellar fashion and you write paragraphs about what could be going on with him and maybe that's why it's not so bad. Please stop that. Every time you start analyzing him, think "He was inconsiderate to me. The 'why' doesn't matter. I'm not a mind reader, and it doesn't change the fact that he was inconsiderate to me."

Personally, it doesn't take long to send a text to update you that the plans weren't going to happen.

If I were going to wager a guess, I'd say there was a woman wherever he was that seemed like a better bet for the evening, in terms of the potential to score with the least amount of effort on his part. He was keeping you as a backup option in case things fell through with her.

 

Well, of course this is what happened. A combo of alcohol and a pretty woman he got distracted by.. forgot all about me. He knows he acted like an ass by leaving me hanging like that. Which is why I haven't heard from him since Sunday, and hell, I'd be surprised if I heard again. Kinda thinking that all this building up.... just crashed and burned. Awesome.

 

I thought you were going to take some time off from dating. No offense Venus, but you seem to bounce from guy to guy, putting your hopes and dreams into one, and when it doesn't work, you bounce to another, where you put your hopes and dreams onto the other. (A --> M, M --> R)

I changed my mind. R asked me out, I'm attracted to him. Screw it. I have nothing to lose. I have no luck anyway, why not just enjoy myself?

 

Uhhh... did you really just type that? And are you really okay with having just typed that?

He just came across at first impression as a little cocky and macho. I like that, sue me. After spending the day with him yesterday, I think he's a sweet guy and that attitude is a front.

 

Of course it does. It hurts to be alone and be introspective, but that's exactly what you need right now to break out of this pattern of yours and take a good hard look at the guys you're choosing for yourself and where you are missing red flags. Let yourself feel sad about how M treated you, so that you accept it. Don't do your usual running away from your feelings. I wish you would spend some time alone, shed a few tears over hurt feelings, and remind yourself that his behavior had little to do with you, and everything to do with him. This isn't a fluke, this is who he is. This is how you will be treated by M.

If R's a serious contender, he'll still be there in a week or two.

Well, now I think I'll give R a chance. We had a good time together on our date yesterday.

 

I'd also say keep dating, and multi-date. Venus, I think the disappointments you're experiencing are because you get so excited for each one of these guys. Yes, it's fun and it feels good to be pursued, but I think you're letting the pursuing sort of cloud your judgement a bit. Perhaps a more experienced dater would have gone out with Maverick once and taken his recent snafu a bit more in stride. A blasé attitude is one of the most important things you can bring with you into dating. I don't mean being aloof or disinterested, but again, I implore you, remain a bit detached at first. The next time a Maverick type comes around, in your mind say, yes you're charming, and are showing interest and doing all these things "right," with planning dates and messaging and/or calling, but what does it all add up to? Showing interest is not enough. Having chemistry is not enough. Going out on long dates is not enough. Messaging and calling is not enough. You've got to wait until they've shown their character a bit, and then you can get excited.

 

Well, he SURE did build it up quite a bit so it was really hard to be blasé about it. The texting daily, multiple times a day, before meeting, a great date, kissing, upped the contact after our date, initiated every time... talked about our next date... seemed urgent to see me...

But, you are right.

What's hard is trusting the intentions when it appears on it's face totally 'right'.

 

I didn't mean she should be dating men who unsure about their interest for her. Other way around really. I meant she should perhaps try a DIFFERENT kind of man, an emotionally available one who is interested and excited about her right away. My boyfriend was in the beginning- it was me who was sort of unsure about him, but instead of blowing him off for the player-types I had around, I gave my feelings time to develop and I'm so glad I did. I still think you're putting it on HER (venus), saying these men just aren't "blown away" by her, but I'm thinking it's more that they're not emotionally available for a relationship and any woman they became involved with would experience something very similar. That's why I feel like she should look at the "type" she's attracted to and consider something different.

I'm sorry, Lissvarna, I don't buy it. I've dated guys who are ready and available for a relationship. It just didn't work out.

Edited January 20, 2015 by venusishername

[venusishername]

The sure bets are men who are CONSISTENT and move at a realistic pace. Not too slow (not seeing you twice a month), not too fast (not seeing you 4x/week from the get go). Someone who initially asks you out for every weekend, does that a couple of days in advance, contacts you at least a couple of times in between dates, NEVER cancels unless he's in the hospital or something really major happened, if he cancels he reschedules right away and in general keeps a steady pattern for the first 1-3 months. After that, he should step it up to seeing you more than 1 or 2x/week, should ask you to be his girlfriend and everything that comes with that.

 

 

I also don't buy this. I've had recent experiences with men who did all these things and they dropped off the face of the planet. (i.e. "A")

Of course, I've never made it past 2 months with any of them.. but what you are saying I have experienced... and I just don't think there are these hard and fast 'rules' about what dating "SHOULD" look like.

I'm feeling extremely cynical about everything.

[Eighty_nine]

 

I'm sorry, Lissvarna, I don't buy it. I've dated guys who are ready and available for a relationship. It just didn't work out.

 

...? I didn't say you've never had a relationship or never dated guys who were ready. But I think it's pretty clear the last few have NOT been emotionally available. It seems like a pretty clear pattern. And no judgement, I've been there! I think everyone has. Most of your recent experiences sound like emotionally unavailable guys.... not scenarios where it just didn't work out.

[idoltree]

Venus, I reply to you because you seem super awesome, and I want things to work out for you. You've struck a defensive tone, and I know you must feel a little bit down right now. You have zero to be ashamed of. You're really courageous to be here posting about your trials and tribulations.

 

I'm here writing to you because I see similarities between you and I. I am currently trying to figure out why I seem to always get the *ssclowns and not the good guys. It's hard work. Please don't think I'm talking down to you, it's just that its easier for me to see someone else's missteps easier than it is to see my own. So I'm here analyzing in the hopes that I can help you find an awesome guy, as well as figure out how I can do the same. And I don't even have the courage to post my issues publicly.

 

Well, of course this is what happened. A combo of alcohol and a pretty woman he got distracted by.. forgot all about me. He knows he acted like an ass by leaving me hanging like that. Which is why I haven't heard from him since Sunday, and hell, I'd be surprised if I heard again. Kinda thinking that all this building up.... just crashed and burned. Awesome.

 

And if this is what happened, you realize it is not a reflection on you, right? It is his true character showing. Character you didn't want to believe could exist, since all the texting and instant togetherness did not allow you to meet a blank slate. You built him up into who you wanted him to be before you even met him.

 

Early on in dating people want to present the best versions of themselves. That's why it's important to stay open-minded, but tempered with some skepticism. Allow evidence of their good character to build via their actions.

 

I changed my mind. R asked me out, I'm attracted to him. Screw it. I have nothing to lose. I have no luck anyway, why not just enjoy myself?

Okay, just realize you're being a little bit destructive. If that's what you need right now, own it. Sometimes it can be an okay thing.

 

He just came across at first impression as a little cocky and macho. I like that, sue me. After spending the day with him yesterday, I think he's a sweet guy and that attitude is a front.

Why would someone need a front? Think about that. The very existence of a front is a red flag in itself.

 

Also, he knows you're skeptical of him due to the "wine at my place" thing, so of course he's on his best behavior. You have no idea whether that's the real him, or if that's what he thinks he needs to do to finally get to the "wine at my place" date. It could be either and you have to stay detached and cautious.

 

I think your best bet from now on is to take people at face value, and stop making excuses for them, and stop "seeing through" them to their really nice core character. Nope, you don't even think that you've begun to know them until you've been on several dates over a month or two and they've shown consistency.

 

Well, now I think I'll give R a chance. We had a good time together on our date yesterday.

Glad to hear it. Recognize that you're not going into it from an emotionally healthy baseline, so best to slooooooow it down.

 

Well, he SURE did build it up quite a bit so it was really hard to be blasé about it. The texting daily, multiple times a day, before meeting, a great date, kissing, upped the contact after our date, initiated every time... talked about our next date... seemed urgent to see me...

You say this as if you had no choice in the matter. No matter how someone acts, you always always always get to choose how to respond. Just because some guy wants to rush and give a false sense of instantaneous emotional intimacy does not mean you need to go along with that plan.

 

We give others clues and signals with our behavior and we always get to choose how we behave.

 

What's hard is trusting the intentions when it appears on it's face totally 'right'.

A few pages back people were trying to tell you that the speed and consuming nature of the communication was a red flag. You got too emotionally invested too quickly to be able to see that they might be on to something.

 

So, it's time to question that "feeling right" thing. Is it serving you well? Is prioritizing "feeling right" mandatory, or can you approach dating in a different way and prioritize logic and holding back until you get evidence that the guy you're dating an okay guy to invest in?

 

I've dated guys who are ready and available for a relationship. It just didn't work out.

So they say. It doesn't mean in reality that they are ready and available for a relationship. It means they want one. Their own emotional health and ability to commit may be a blind spot to themselves.

 

Overall, you seem to really want to rely only on your feelings and that feeling of strong connection, but have you stopped to think about whether your feelings and that feeling of connection are rising from an emotionally healthy place? Are they really things that you should be relying on, based on the recent evidence you've experienced?

[Eighty_nine]

I also don't buy this. I've had recent experiences with men who did all these things and they dropped off the face of the planet. (i.e. "A")

Of course, I've never made it past 2 months with any of them.. but what you are saying I have experienced... and I just don't think there are these hard and fast 'rules' about what dating "SHOULD" look like.

I'm feeling extremely cynical about everything.

 

It sounded like "A" was a bit more respectful than the others, moved at a better pace, etc... I still think his intentions were iffy from the start but I feel like the pace of things was definitely better with him. "M" was too much, too fast.

 

I agree with whoever said taking a break from dating isn't necessary. Venus has just been casually dating and just numbers-wise, in order to find a match, she should keep at it. Not to sound silly but for myself and several of my friends it was right after that exasperated and super cynical phase that we met really great people. I wouldn't give up yet.

[losangelena]

Not to sound silly but for myself and several of my friends it was right after that exasperated and super cynical phase that we met really great people. I wouldn't give up yet.

 

Same here. I had just ended a FWB sitch with a drug user when I met my current boyfriend. It took a lot of misses to even get to a place where getting involved with a guy like that seemed like a good idea. I was down and cynical as hell.

 

Keep on trucking, Venus.

[venusishername]

...? I didn't say you've never had a relationship or never dated guys who were ready. But I think it's pretty clear the last few have NOT been emotionally available. It seems like a pretty clear pattern. And no judgement, I've been there! I think everyone has. Most of your recent experiences sound like emotionally unavailable guys.... not scenarios where it just didn't work out.

 

Ok. Not sure what to say or think about this, but ok.

 

And if this is what happened, you realize it is not a reflection on you, right? It is his true character showing. Character you didn't want to believe could exist, since all the texting and instant togetherness did not allow you to meet a blank slate. You built him up into who you wanted him to be before you even met him.

I sure did. I mistook his 'interest' as sincere I guess too.

 

Okay, just realize you're being a little bit destructive. If that's what you need right now, own it. Sometimes it can be an okay thing.

I fully realize that and am owning it. Going to enjoy it. No rules, no expectations, no pressure. If all it turns out to be is a fling, so be it. I don't really care about appearing or being 'detached' right now.

I don't mind having fun with an attractive guy. May be just what the doctor ordered.

 

You say this as if you had no choice in the matter. No matter how someone acts, you always always always get to choose how to respond. Just because some guy wants to rush and give a false sense of instantaneous emotional intimacy does not mean you need to go along with that plan.

 

Of course. BUT He seemed consistent and sincere, before we met, while we met, and the days after we met. Why would I doubt this?? I don't feel it was rushed... but I did feel that it was a bit too much for not even meeting yet. He probably wanted to keep the connection to nail down that first date. It worked.

Do you all think I'll be hearing from him?? I know people drop off the face of the planet. If/when I do... what should I say?? What if he wants to meet again, or comes up with some reason/apologizes further, etc.

I just can't imagine that all his interest is lost in a matter of two days.

 

 

Overall, you seem to really want to rely only on your feelings and that feeling of strong connection, but have you stopped to think about whether your feelings and that feeling of connection are rising from an emotionally healthy place? Are they really things that you should be relying on, based on the recent evidence you've experienced?

 

This is something to really reflect upon. I know that I'm not seeking validation like I used to. I do know that my 'clock' is ticking and I feel sometimes that there must be something WRONG with me and/or what I'm DOING because I can't sustain a relationship. I feel pressure (mostly from myself) to find someone. I'm the only single person of my friends and women in my family. I feel like the black sheep.

Maybe that's why I haven't been able to depend or 'rely' as you put it.. on my own perceptions, etc. Maybe something is clouding it. I also think I've put too much focus on how dating 'should' look.. when I really believe there are no rules.

 

 

And thank you, IdolTree for what you said about me sharing my experience and that you can relate. I appreciate that.

Edited January 20, 2015 by venusishername

[idoltree]

I'm rushing off, so just a quick comment.

 

I do know that my 'clock' is ticking and I feel sometimes that there must be something WRONG with me and/or what I'm DOING because I can't sustain a relationship. I feel pressure (mostly from myself) to find someone. I'm the only single person of my friends and women in my family. I feel like the black sheep

 

You've got a good heart, you're smart, you're loyal, you're fun to be around. You're clearly attractive to men. The problem is that you're attracted to and meeting the wrong guys.

 

Once you figure out why you're meeting the wrong ones and how you can meet the right ones, you're golden. You've also got to question that rush of attraction - you want a slow simmer rather than a hot boil. You'll find it.

 

Life is showing you that you need to adjust your path. Don't fight it. Go with it. Question everything about your patterns with guys because the answer is in there.

[venusishername]

I'm rushing off, so just a quick comment.

 

You've got a good heart, you're smart, you're loyal, you're fun to be around. You're clearly attractive to men. The problem is that you're attracted to and meeting the wrong guys.

 

Once you figure out why you're meeting the wrong ones and how you can meet the right ones, you're golden. You've also got to question that rush of attraction - you want a slow simmer rather than a hot boil. You'll find it.

 

Life is showing you that you need to adjust your path. Don't fight it. Go with it. Question everything about your patterns with guys because the answer is in there.

 

 

Thanks so much. I hope I figure this out soon.

[venusishername]

On another note, today I've been snooping around R's social media platforms and found a fairly recent pic of him and the guy I was 'seeing' over the summer.

The co-worker. Ugh.

I don't care if they talk. So what if we slept together on the third date? That fling was so short and meaningless and 5 months ago....it really wouldn't matter if I'm now seeing his buddy. Right?

 

I'm going forward with the 'no rules' mindset.

I know many of you keep telling me that I need to do this, don't do that, make him initiate, don't have sex, don't be too available... But **** it. It's pretty clear following the rules hasn't been successful. I still get disappointed and hurt. I think the only truth I can really follow is not settling and that I need to be more conscious and logical about remaining detached. I know it's about the actions that follow... And it's certainly not ME.

I know I said I'd be taking a break from dating- but what I think I need to do is to take a break from these 'rules'. In the end, at least with the guys I end up involved with, the rules seem a wasted effort.

Edited January 21, 2015 by venusishername

[idoltree]

On another note, today I've been snooping around R's social media platforms and found a fairly recent pic of him and the guy I was 'seeing' over the summer.

The co-worker. Ugh.

I don't care if they talk. So what if we slept together on the third date? That fling was so short and meaningless and 5 months ago....it really wouldn't matter if I'm now seeing his buddy. Right?

 

I'm going forward with the 'no rules' mindset.

I know many of you keep telling me that I need to do this, don't do that, make him initiate, don't have sex, don't be too available... But **** it. It's pretty clear following the rules hasn't been successful. I still get disappointed and hurt. I think the only truth I can really follow is not settling and that I need to be more conscious and logical about remaining detached. I know it's about the actions that follow... And it's certainly not ME.

I know I said I'd be taking a break from dating- but what I think I need to do is to take a break from these 'rules'. In the end, at least with the guys I end up involved with, the rules seem a wasted effort.

 

There are no hard and fast rules. There are signals that one gives off and choices of how to react that can allow someone space to get closer to you, or cause them to feel suffocated and choose to distance. There are relationships that were never going to get off the ground due to circumstance, intimacy avoiders, or just a lack of chemistry. But for those relationships that have a shot, early choices can allow a connection to flourish or it can extinguish it.

 

What I've been communicating to you is to act in ways that will allow men the space to grow closer to you and not to invest your heart too early. You need to see consistency over time before you should risk your heart. Those relationships that could never get off the ground will fall apart during this time, and no harm no foul. And the relationships that have potential will get stronger, and you'll have a man who wants to make the effort to have you happily in his life.

 

You have been told in every way possible that you are attracted to the wrong guys - something about early signals of their unavailability reels you in - and that you then get way too invested way too quickly.

 

So your solution to all of this is to put more faith in your instincts and attraction and do what "feels" right, when it is exactly those things that are most likely leading you astray?

 

I'd prefer you put less energy into what "feels" right and go about this in a more logical and emotionally detached fashion.

 

I sure did. I mistook his 'interest' as sincere I guess too.

He was interested. But interest isn't a sure thing and you shouldn't invest your time and your heart based on signals of interest.

 

I don't mind having fun with an attractive guy. May be just what the doctor ordered.

Okay, have fun. Just don't invest. If things go well with this guy over the next couple of months, then you can consider investing.

 

Of course. BUT He seemed consistent and sincere, before we met, while we met, and the days after we met. Why would I doubt this?? I don't feel it was rushed... but I did feel that it was a bit too much for not even meeting yet. He probably wanted to keep the connection to nail down that first date. It worked.

Nobody is telling you he wasn't interested - he was. But interest isn't something that you should count on. It can wax and wane, sometimes due to the people involved or the dynamic between them, sometimes because of totally uncontrollable factors present in the other person's life.

 

M was full on. You went into having no idea who he was underneath that charm offensive, other than that he was cute and successful and wanted to take you out. You had no idea if he's on the rebound, you had no idea if he's cheating on someone, you had no idea how he treats women in his life when sh*t gets real. You are counting on ephemeral qualities as indicators of someone's true character and investing your heart.

 

If a guy is a good guy for you, holding back isn't going to hurt a darn thing. In fact, it will give him the space to draw closer to you. If a guy is a good guy for you, and you over-invest, you can suffocate the connection before he has a chance to get closer to you. And if a guy is of poor character, holding back is a good thing, because he can disappear or blow you off, and you'll be fine! You won't have invested your heart.

 

As for your question about "why should you doubt this?", I have to ask you why none of the posts about it moving too quickly to be sustainable registered with you. Please put some thought into that. Several posters told you to be cautious, because connections that are so intense early on can burn out just as quickly. You rejected this idea. You are still rejecting it, and I don't understand why you aren't stopping to think about that, because it did end up burning out pretty darn quickly. The posters aren't psychic - they gave you that advice based on their own life experiences and in observing others. You sort of turned your nose up at that, emphasizing that M was showing you he was interested. None of the posters thought he wasn't, just that interest, especially intense interest, isn't necessarily sustainable.

 

Venus, I hate to ask you this because it's pretty armchair psychoanalytic of me, but do you think you're worthy of a guy having interest and sustaining it? The reason I ask is because of your (seemingly willful) blind spots and what appears to be an insecurity about whether M was truly interested in you. You don't have to answer. Just think it over. If there is some low self-esteem lurking beneath the surface, you may want to heal that before trying to find someone for yourself.

 

Do you all think I'll be hearing from him?? I know people drop off the face of the planet. If/when I do... what should I say?? What if he wants to meet again, or comes up with some reason/apologizes further, etc.

I just can't imagine that all his interest is lost in a matter of two days.

I don't know if you'll be hearing from him. The fact that you're asking this shows that you're still invested, so I would be extremely wary of this guy. Early on, he should be trying to impress you, not via flashiness and charm, but by giving indicators that you can count on him. He did anything but. This is your stereotypical bad boy behavior, and it shouldn't be something that makes you want him more. M is just a guy and his approval of you means nothing. It seems you may be looking to him to validate your worth, and I have to ask why. He's a grown man that gets too drunk to follow through on his word; why would you choose someone like that to judge your worth?

 

How about you post if you hear from him and you and your ladies-in-waiting here can discuss what to do? I can tell you will want to give him a second chance, but you should never make it easy for him, or he will lose respect for you.

[BluEyeL]

I also don't buy this. I've had recent experiences with men who did all these things and they dropped off the face of the planet. (i.e. "A")

Of course, I've never made it past 2 months with any of them.. but what you are saying I have experienced... and I just don't think there are these hard and fast 'rules' about what dating "SHOULD" look like.

I'm feeling extremely cynical about everything.

It's Ok if you don't "buy it", it's still the truth. A didn't do those things. I didn't give a high chance to the romance with A.

 

There are no "rules". I am telling you from my own experience of dating 30 men in 18 months that the men who are interested in you and have good character behave exactly like that. And even that is not enough or a surefire way that things will go well. They still could change their minds. The only way to tell is to wait it out. The only way to speed up the process of finding a good relationship is to throw small fish back in the lake.

[venusishername]

What I've been communicating to you is to act in ways that will allow men the space to grow closer to you and not to invest your heart too early. Those relationships that could never get off the ground will fall apart during this time, and no harm no foul. And the relationships that have potential will get stronger, and you'll have a man who wants to make the effort to have you happily in his life.

You have been told in every way possible that you are attracted to the wrong guys - something about early signals of their unavailability reels you in - and that you then get way too invested way too quickly.

I'd prefer you put less energy into what "feels" right and go about this in a more logical and emotionally detached fashion.

First of all, I'm not sure if I am picking up on any signals of emotionally unavailable men. Lissvarna mentioned that but obviously it's not a conscious thing.

I'd like to try going forward more logically and less emotionally from now on. It's hard to do that!! In matters of the heart, it's easy to give the brain over to hormones and heartstrings. It's been easy to get kind of swept away in hopes and fantasy... but I agree, emotionally detached..

It's still so hard.. even if you are emotionally detached, things could still not work out. But I like what you said about the space to grow in your paragraph above ^^

Okay, have fun. Just don't invest. If things go well with this guy over the next couple of months, then you can consider investing.

I plan to enjoy it. I'm not investing in it nor do I expect it to go anywhere. I'd like to enjoy the man's attention and have a good time. I don't take it seriously. I think I've been lacking all this passion and excitement from my relationship with A... that now I have it in front of me... I'd like to take it.

Let's just say I'm not going to be heartbroken when it fizzles out. It's a stepping stone. Maybe I'm wrong and it could be something. But probably not.

He didn't ask me for a second date. He hasn't contacted me since Monday when we went out. I've come to realize another 'rule' that's a load of crap: the presence or absence of a man asking you for a next date at the end of your current date has no correlation to whether you will go out again. If you're going to see each other again, it doesn't matter if he asks during your date.

Nobody is telling you he wasn't interested - he was. But interest isn't something that you should count on. It can wax and wane, sometimes due to the people involved or the dynamic between them, sometimes because of totally uncontrollable factors present in the other person's life.

I know. I'm trying to rationalize his rude and selfish behavior.

 

M was full on. You went into having no idea who he was underneath that charm offensive, other than that he was cute and successful and wanted to take you out. You had no idea if he's on the rebound, you had no idea if he's cheating on someone, you had no idea how he treats women in his life when sh*t gets real. You are counting on ephemeral qualities as indicators of someone's true character and investing your heart.

That's right. He might be married for all I know. Well, the only harm done here is that he's out about a hundred bucks. I got a free meal and some wine out of it.

If a guy is a good guy for you, holding back isn't going to hurt a darn thing. In fact, it will give him the space to draw closer to you. If a guy is a good guy for you, and you over-invest, you can suffocate the connection before he has a chance to get closer to you. And if a guy is of poor character, holding back is a good thing, because he can disappear or blow you off, and you'll be fine! You won't have invested your heart.

I love this!

As for your question about "why should you doubt this?", I have to ask you why none of the posts about it moving too quickly to be sustainable registered with you. Please put some thought into that. Several posters told you to be cautious, because connections that are so intense early on can burn out just as quickly. You rejected this idea. You are still rejecting it, and I don't understand why you aren't stopping to think about that, because it did end up burning out pretty darn quickly. The posters aren't psychic - they gave you that advice based on their own life experiences and in observing others. You sort of turned your nose up at that, emphasizing that M was showing you he was interested. None of the posters thought he wasn't, just that interest, especially intense interest, isn't necessarily sustainable.

Well, to be honest I found it hard to believe that it was 'moving fast' because we hadn't even met yet. I equated moving fast with seeing each other, sex, etc. Not texting.

I guess I wanted to believe he was interested so I could trust that he wouldn't disappear and that it wouldn't burn out.

 

Venus, I hate to ask you this because it's pretty armchair psychoanalytic of me, but do you think you're worthy of a guy having interest and sustaining it? The reason I ask is because of your (seemingly willful) blind spots and what appears to be an insecurity about whether M was truly interested in you. You don't have to answer. Just think it over. If there is some low self-esteem lurking beneath the surface, you may want to heal that before trying to find someone for yourself.

I think this is the issue most worth reflecting on. The more days that go by, the more I am convinced and still convinced he is/was interested.. he just was inconsiderate. I'd like to believe that someone would want me. Like I said, I'm the only single woman in my family and of my friends. I want a husband and a family. I want a lot for myself and won't settle. I'm just lonely. So when a successful and smart guy takes an interest in me, I really want to TRUST that it's sincere.. because I want what I do.

 

I don't know if you'll be hearing from him. The fact that you're asking this shows that you're still invested, so I would be extremely wary of this guy. Early on, he should be trying to impress you, not via flashiness and charm, but by giving indicators that you can count on him. He did anything but. This is your stereotypical bad boy behavior, and it shouldn't be something that makes you want him more. M is just a guy and his approval of you means nothing.

Absolutely. The flashiness and charm got me out on a date with him. Like I said, he's out a hundred bucks.. I got a nice dinner and some wine out of it. No harm, no foul.

It seems you may be looking to him to validate your worth, and I have to ask why. He's a grown man that gets too drunk to follow through on his word; why would you choose someone like that to judge your worth?

I think that's something that crossed my mind at one point: needing that validation. But I could care less what he thinks of me, actually.

How about you post if you hear from him and you and your ladies-in-waiting here can discuss what to do? I can tell you will want to give him a second chance, but you should never make it easy for him, or he will lose respect for you.

Thank you, ladies-in-waiting! Makes me feel better to hear that. I would like to give him a second chance. However, the likelihood of him trying seems to be waning as the days go by. He's out of the country so I don't expect contact. I told myself last night that I'm waiting until this Sunday, which will be a week since he last contacted me, then he's deleted from my phone and memory.

Let's just say if he does... I'm going to be FAR less available and excited about him. If he'd like to make it up to me (which I'm already doubting) he can bend over backwards.

I personally think that my response to his 'excuse' about getting sick was as cold as ice. I didn't engage or act like I gave a damn. I could've been a doormat. At least now he knows that won't fly with me; that will either keep him away or he'll respect that. Either way, it will show his true colors. If he drops off the face of the planet, then I'll know I've dodged a bullet.

 

The only way to speed up the process of finding a good relationship is to throw small fish back in the lake.

I understand. I have no problem tossing back fish who disrespect me and who keep me waiting. At least I've got that figured out.

Edited January 21, 2015 by venusishername

[idoltree]

First of all, I'm not sure if I am picking up on any signals of emotionally unavailable men. Lissvarna mentioned that but obviously it's not a conscious thing.

 

Venus, you kill me. Even if it's not a conscious thing, it is something that you can change!

 

You have blind spots, and you also prefer to think of yourself as totally passive when it comes to self-examination.

 

If you find yourself going for unavailable men, perhaps it's time for a visit to a counselor to find out why you keep feeling attraction to those men.

 

Early dating is comprised of a lot of subconscious exchanges. That chemistry thing is so complicated. It's not only how someone looks, smells, sounds, and what they do, but it's little signals they give off. When we're approaching dating from an unhealthy place (looking for validation or completion), we're giving off little signals about that, and we're picking up similar signals from the other person.

 

People give off indications of their levels of security or insecurity. It is my belief that people choose others who match their levels of insecurity, they just do it in a different way. If you keep finding yourself choosing sub-par guys, it's time for a checkup to dig deep inside yourself and get rid of those insecurities that you have so you stop signalling them, and stop attracting me with deep insecurities.

 

I'd like to try going forward more logically and less emotionally from now on. It's hard to do that!! In matters of the heart, it's easy to give the brain over to hormones and heartstrings. It's been easy to get kind of swept away in hopes and fantasy...

Not everyone is like that, though! That's why it's especially important for you to not do that.

 

It's still so hard.. even if you are emotionally detached, things could still not work out.

Yes, none of this is a guarantee, because we're dealing with two human beings with free will. Things could not work out, people could get hit by buses... like life, there's no control.

 

What you can do is make changes when you notice that you have a pattern, and guard your heart. So if things don't work out, it's not a big deal.

 

I plan to enjoy it. I'm not investing in it nor do I expect it to go anywhere. I'd like to enjoy the man's attention and have a good time. I don't take it seriously. I think I've been lacking all this passion and excitement from my relationship with A... that now I have it in front of me... I'd like to take it.

 

Let's just say I'm not going to be heartbroken when it fizzles out. It's a stepping stone. Maybe I'm wrong and it could be something. But probably not.

Treat it like it is not, and then you'll be pleasantly surprised if it does. I'm still wary of this guy because of "wine and movies."

 

I've come to realize another 'rule' that's a load of crap: the presence or absence of a man asking you for a next date at the end of your current date has no correlation to whether you will go out again. If you're going to see each other again, it doesn't matter if he asks during your date.

People who want rules are trying to grasp onto some semblance of control. Interacting with another human being doesn't work that way.

 

Someone could ask you out again and never follow up. They could not ask you out again and call you in a couple of days. You never know. You just put your best foot forward and take lack of interest in stride.

 

I'm trying to rationalize his rude and selfish behavior.

Yes, you have to stop that. It seems like you do it because if you can explain why it happened then it doesn't have anything to do with you. It's like you try to protect yourself from feeling rejection, when you can still not feel rejection (by remaining detached and remembering the whole human being/free will thing) and not make excuses for someone.

 

Well, the only harm done here is that he's out about a hundred bucks. I got a free meal and some wine out of it.

Good for you. It's nice to be wined and dined. But I find it kind of odd that he went for such an expensive first date. He didn't even know you. Why not meet for coffee or a drink and then take it from there?

 

This is something else you seem to have skimmed right over, because being wined and dined = interest in you, and you find that interest very validating.

 

Well, to be honest I found it hard to believe that it was 'moving fast' because we hadn't even met yet. I equated moving fast with seeing each other, sex, etc. Not texting.

Texting all day and building a false relationship before you've even met in person IS moving fast. All it does is set one or both of you up for disappointment, because the person you've built up in your heads can't stay on that pedestal that your mind built for them.

 

If this ever happens again, remember that becoming so available to someone before you've even met is something that you shouldn't participate in. It's okay to respond once in awhile, and be friendly when you do, but don't go all-in just because someone else goes all-in. Frankly, that behavior should have you questioning their judgement, not twirling around in a dress singing "my prince has come".

 

I guess I wanted to believe he was interested so I could trust that he wouldn't disappear and that it wouldn't burn out.

Interest =/= commitment and stability.

Interest =/= commitment and stability.

Interest =/= commitment and stability.

 

Sheesh, between you and Leigh87, it's like you think chemistry and interest are the most important factors, but they're actually the most ephemeral.

 

In the future, someone who comes on strong very quickly is also likely to disappear very quickly. They don't even know you so how could they actually be so interested? It's a sign that you should step back and guard your heart.

 

The more days that go by, the more I am convinced and still convinced he is/was interested..

He was interested.

He was interested.

He was interested.

 

His interest was not enough to make up for poor character.

 

(I'm trying repetition with you in the hopes that things will sink in. I do this with love.)

 

he just was inconsiderate. I'd like to believe that someone would want me. Like I said, I'm the only single woman in my family and of my friends. I want a husband and a family. I want a lot for myself and won't settle. I'm just lonely. So when a successful and smart guy takes an interest in me, I really want to TRUST that it's sincere.. because I want what I do.

You didn't answer the question. I asked if you thought that you were worthy. I find it very telling that you immediately looked to external factors to answer the question.

 

Absolutely. The flashiness and charm got me out on a date with him. Like I said, he's out a hundred bucks.. I got a nice dinner and some wine out of it. No harm, no foul.

You keep mentioning the dinner and wine and how much it cost.

 

I think that's something that crossed my mind at one point: needing that validation. But I could care less what he thinks of me, actually.

Says your conscious. Your subconscious begs to differ. You would not be mentioning the man if you didn't care what he thinks.

 

Thank you, ladies-in-waiting! Makes me feel better to hear that.

People are going to do what they're going to do. Personally, I'd prefer you don't give him another chance, but it's not my life, and I think all of us will support your choices.

 

Though, in the future, if you get similar feedback about a guy from multiple people, it's a sign to pay attention to what they are telling you.

 

I personally think that my response to his 'excuse' about getting sick was as cold as ice. I didn't engage or act like I gave a damn. I could've been a doormat. At least now he knows that won't fly with me; that will either keep him away or he'll respect that. Either way, it will show his true colors. If he drops off the face of the planet, then I'll know I've dodged a bullet.

If he's a coward, or if he met someone else that night, then you won't hear from him. He knows that you'd hold him responsible and aren't his #1 fan anymore, and some guys will just avoid someone. That is a sign of his shortcomings, not yours.

[venusishername]

I'm trying to figure out how to just post replies to your sentences like you have above; not including your username with each... let's see how it goes...

 

Venus, you kill me. Even if it's not a conscious thing, it is something that you can change!

I understand. It's very clear that I'm attracted to the 'wrong type'. That's why I'm still single and have not had a serious relationship in over three years.

 

Yes, none of this is a guarantee, because we're dealing with two human beings with free will. Things could not work out, people could get hit by buses... like life, there's no control.

 

Well then, I'm having a hard time grasping what's the point of being detached, creating space, etc. if there is no guarantee?? Why not just go for it blindly and hope it works out?? You say go in logically. But all's fair in love and war. That's why I keep saying screw the rules. I know what you said in your post above... this is rhetorical statement.

 

Treat it like it is not, and then you'll be pleasantly surprised if it does. I'm still wary of this guy because of "wine and movies."

You know what? I find the idea of 'wine and movies' extremely appealing right now. If I go down that path with him... so what?? I'm a grown woman with 'free will'.

 

You just put your best foot forward and take lack of interest in stride.

Lack of interest in stride... don't need the validation...

 

Yes, you have to stop that. It seems like you do it because if you can explain why it happened then it doesn't have anything to do with you. It's like you try to protect yourself from feeling rejection, when you can still not feel rejection (by remaining detached and remembering the whole human being/free will thing) and not make excuses for someone.

I'm a people pleaser and have always had an underlying need to be liked and respected by people around me; especially those who I like. This is a personal issue I am working on.

 

But I find it kind of odd that he went for such an expensive first date. He didn't even know you. Why not meet for coffee or a drink and then take it from there?

I have no idea. It seemed he was very excited to spend time with me and I suppose we'd been talking for so many weeks and weeks that he was pretty certain he was interested. Originally, he had suggested just a drink. I think though that the more time passed that we talked it became more clear that just a drink wouldn't be enough time? That's why dinner was tacked on. As far as it being expensive? I don't know. I guess that's been normal for me. When a man takes me out, it's usually never a cheap date. So I didn't find it odd.

 

This is something else you seem to have skimmed right over, because being wined and dined = interest in you, and you find that interest very validating.

Well yes.. I like to be pampered and 'wined and dined'. Makes me feel good.

 

Texting all day and building a false relationship before you've even met in person IS moving fast.

If this ever happens again, remember that becoming so available to someone before you've even met is something that you shouldn't participate in. It's okay to respond once in awhile, and be friendly when you do, but don't go all-in just because someone else goes all-in. Frankly, that behavior should have you questioning their judgement, not twirling around in a dress singing "my prince has come".

Guilty as charged about the 'my prince has come' part. He seemed to appeal to my weaknesses.. the attention, the promise of wining and dining, the frequent contact, etc. It made me feel like 'wow, he really likes me!' I can trust this because he really seems to like me! Screw the rules! This is exciting!

 

 

He was interested.

He was interested.

He was interested.

His interest was not enough to make up for poor character.

 

And.. the bolded part is all that really matters. Character trumps interest level. I get it.

 

You didn't answer the question. I asked if you thought that you were worthy. I find it very telling that you immediately looked to external factors to answer the question.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not cut out to be in a healthy relationship. Sometimes I think I'm just one of those people destined to be alone, never married and childless.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough.

So yes, sometimes I feel that I am not worthy. Sometimes.

 

You keep mentioning the dinner and wine and how much it cost.

The cost doesn't matter. I mentioned it only because it makes me feel better knowing that he's the one who lost out on anything.. I didn't lose anything by going on the date.

 

You would not be mentioning the man if you didn't care what he thinks.

Well, I know the flaking had absolutely nothing to do with ME. So really, I don't care what he thinks. I didn't do anything wrong.

 

If he's a coward, or if he met someone else that night, then you won't hear from him. He knows that you'd hold him responsible and aren't his #1 fan anymore, and some guys will just avoid someone. That is a sign of his shortcomings, not yours.

Absolutely. In that case, not all was in vain. I'd rather have the respect of someone, even a stranger.. than be known as a dumb doormat.