When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

Even my boyfriend wants to know how it went. Can't wait to hear, Venus! And happy Thanksgiving!

 

Even your boyfriend wants to know?! Oh my

Well... I don't even know where to begin. I'm not up for writing much tonight because today has been pretty emotionally draining. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I heard from him tonight once he got home- so that's a good sign that he still wants to talk to me after spending time with me this weekend!

 

When I first saw him, I almost cried. He had brought me a rose he picked off some bush. I like how he always leaves me with little trinkets like that. Simple and romantic.

 

I met his family on Thanksgiving evening. What an experience. He introduced me as his girlfriend, and I got along well with everyone. They were probably just as surprised that we met in New Orleans less than two months ago while I was on vacation and I live here and he lives there, and now I'm meeting his family on Thanksgiving. Shocker to me too! But they were wonderful and very welcoming and kind.

We found a room close by to his family's place- didn't get in there until close to midnight. I was nervous to be alone with him, I never thought I'd feel that way being a grown woman! But I was. He made me feel more comfortable of course, and I knew the sex would be incredible and very intimate, with a lot of feeling behind it obviously... and it was! I knew it would be too. It was so good to finally be alone with him and make love like we've been wanting to since... well, October.!

 

I won't go into great detail about what we did over the last couple days... but we spent more time with his family the day after Thanksgiving, drove down to where I live the following day, we had a lot of romantic meals, did some cooking at home, even just sitting down at the table he set with wine and candles and eating the food that I made...just holding hands and talking one on one, we never got a chance to have dinner together before like that. It was so nice. We took lots of long walks on the beach, along the ocean, we did some outdoor yoga and walked through one of my favorite gardens. I took him to some of my favorite spots in my city. He loved it. It was nice just to simply go home together at the end of the day after walking to watch the sunset together, and making a meal together and enjoying those every day things. And at the end of the day, to be together and sleep together and touch and be intimate. There's really nothing more calming and centering. He makes me feel that way.

 

My time on LS is getting interrupted- he's been waiting to talk to me tonight so I can't be on much longer.

There are some 'sticking points' that I noticed and that are maybe 'yellow flags', or 'differences' that I picked up on now that he was here out of his element and on my turf, compared to when I was there on vacation and in a different 'zone'. We are on opposite regions of the States and I could really tell the cultural difference when he was here. Its not a bad or good thing, just different.

 

I will write more, but I can say for sure that our feelings grew mutually after this time together. For me, now that we have been intimate, I feel so much stronger of a connection to him and I do wish I could run to him now that I'm feeling so emotional. I trust him. But- I feel no need to cling to him either or demand anything. The long distance is very difficult. But I know that it probably won't be long until we do see each other. He said the sooner he gets back there, the sooner he can get back here. I've mentioned to him maybe going there in February, but told him I'd hold off on booking my ticket for the time being. I really do need a couple days to process all that just happened before I make any decisions.

The thing with him is that he doesn't really wait for me to make any decisions, he makes them. He knows what he wants, and to me that is probably the most attractive quality about him. I feel like I don't have to do much, I just have to 'be'. No pretenses, no games, no wondering. I just have to show up and be myself and he can appreciate me, no frills.

I'm in love but I need to sleep on those 'yellow flags' or the 'differences' I mentioned earlier. Its too soon to tell if those things are just trivial and can be overcome, or if its something that I don't want in the long run. I am very overwhelmed today. Now that he's gone I feel a loss, and so much to process.

Edited December 2, 2015 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

Even your boyfriend wants to know?! Oh my

 

Early on my boyfriend saw me on my phone posting in the "Breaks and Breaking Up" forum and nervously confronted me about it. I explained I read these forums the same way he reads Reddit. Every now and then he'll ask me "what's up on your relationship forums?" You are one of the very few people I follow regularly, so he gets updates too.

 

I am glad you had a fantastic time. Forget yellow; everyone has red flags. The question is how they deal with them. I don't know what the "differences" you're describing are, but if he's aware of his problem (if he has one) and is dealing with it in a mature, reasonable way, you shouldn't worry.

[Eighty_nine]

That all sounds so romantic and great; that's awesome, Venus

 

Everyone has 'yellow flags'... i think we'd need to know more specifically on what the differences are between you before we could weigh in. There are some things you won't love about every partner, just some are deal breakers and others aren't, as you know.

[BluEyeL]

I'm very glad it went well and it was such a great time together! So far so good. Now, what I would look for is how well does he keep this consistency he demonstrated before being intimate, AFTER the weekend together and sex. Does he behave with the same level of enthusiasm, or lowers it? Does he plan to see you consistently (once a month/6 weeks), and in the end, after enough time has passes, does he make plans for you two to come together in one location.

 

First step that can be observed now is consistency and planning the next get together.

 

I'm not concerned with differences in backgrounds, as long as there is a set of common values. Of course I have no idea what flags you're referring to. If he drinks too much, that's a red for me, any drugs, any addictions past or present, criminal record, violence history, other stuff like that. The fact that he doesn't like green beans and he prefers the chicken friend and it's not that healthy are not a problem.

[EricaH329]

Thanks for the update!! I'm glad you had a good time There is something I thought i'd mention though. You had fun, yet I can sense hesitation throughout your post. I'm glad to see you are giving these mysterious yellow flags some thought - but I can't help but wonder if you are perhaps putting too much emphasis on them due to some insecurities and vulnerability?

 

Of course, you know best what's going through your mind - and maybe these differences really are something to be concerned about. Just trying to (hopefully) help shed some light.

 

I can totally understand the emotional overload! You've been building up to this moment for quite some time! I can see how it would be draining once it's all done.

 

I'm looking forward to another update soon!!

[venusishername]

Thanks, everyone

I think my hesitation comes from the fact that this all seems fast to me. Its been two months, but I guess the 'intensity' of it in such a short time is a little scary to me. He doesn't pressure me or make me feel uncomfortable. Its my own thing... I'm not used to a guy being SO SURE that he wants me. I guess that this is my own issue and there's nothing he's doing. Its a lot of emotion that I haven't experienced in so long... it just makes me a little gun-shy to pour my whole heart and soul and expectations into this, being so new.

Also, the fact that he lives many states away, and that this is long distance... makes me feel unsure sometimes if we can ever connect and be together as normal couples are, the day in and day out. I know that he's interested in work here, in fact he is and was actively making efforts to inquire into work opportunities while he was here. So, its on his mind. I guess I feel like I need to have some sense of detachment until time proves that he really is serious, and this isn't just a passing thing. I don't know that it is. People get caught up in hormones and honeymoon period. We don't really know each other on the day to day basis that I think is necessary to determine compatibility.

BUT- the amount of time (daily) that we have spent talking and getting to know each other... should amount to the same level of 'knowing' someone just as if you were in the same city.

 

 

As for the yellow flags:

I worry that he may still be hung up on his ex wife. They divorced 2 years ago, but he has expressed several times his sadness and regret, that he loved her and he didn't want to get divorced. He still is in contact with her as friends, not often, but they do talk and she lives there. He seemed to express some sadness when he told me he recently heard that she had moved on and found another relationship. That makes me worry he's not really 'in' it with me; just looking to fill the void. That he's still in love with her. If that's true he can't be ready or sincere about this with me. (Maybe that's an unreasonable fear of mine). I've never had to deal with dating a man with an ex wife before, particularly one that he still talks to.

 

 

Another yellow flag: the background differences. Without coming across as a snob, I will try to explain. I grew up privileged, educated, well traveled, comfortable life, nice things. He didn't. He's not sophisticated, he's not polished and his table manners are less than great. He's a terrible speller, and he's not stupid but he never had advanced education. He's a blue collar guy from the South. He works with his hands and drives a Jeep with all his tools in it. But.. he can fix anything and really is a gentleman, I must say. I never have to lift a finger around him. I can't say the same for all the other guys I've dated who have a similar background to me.

I always thought I'd end up with someone closer to my background. I guess I had this preconceived idea of 'my type'- when my type really is, or should be.. someone who loves and adores me.

I guess the brass tacks of it is... my worry is that he is financially secure. I know what he does for work, and it is a good career, he has his own home, a car, isn't lazy by any means, has two grown kids that he's had to care about financially all of his adult life.. I just want to be sure he's not irresponsible with his money. I overlooked that fact about my ex when we first met, and that was one of the main reasons I left him in the end. I don't want to be in that position again. I want to be able to rely on my man if I have to. I work and have my own career, but what if I was ready to have kids? Lots of my girlfriends don't have to work because their husbands support them while they care for their kids. I would like to have that option.. so I look for someone financially secure. He was super tight with money when he was here. When I was in New Orleans he was really showering me with little gifts and drinks, etc. Here- not so much at all. He paid for our hotel and when we went out to breakfast, bought my coffee, small things. He didn't want to go out and spend money. It just made me think- is he secure with money, or is it just a 'sometimes' thing?? In that case, that is a yellow flag for me! BUT- he said when I come back to New Orleans, he can't wait to spoil me. So, I have to give a little slack seeing that he spent hundreds of dollars to fly out here on the busiest time of the year and hasn't worked on contract for a couple weeks so that he could take this vacation. It was just something I noticed. I paid for a meal, I bought a couple groceries, nothing extravagant... I cooked, but he helped and set up my table for a perfect romantic setting, I never had to wash a dish, or do anything to clean up or care for my house, he even did a load of laundry for me. Didn't think twice to take out my trash and make my bed every day. He even fixed a small issue with my car.

My ex was lazy and a mooch. He wasn't always like that, but that's who he became. I guess I'm oversensitive to paying attention to any 'sign' that someone is taking advantage of me. I think that's my biggest fear, and something I pay attention to because it caused so much resentment in my last relationship.

 

Those are my yellow flags. No red flags that I am aware of. Although I don't know EVERYTHING.

 

I guess I feel uncertain- or am trying to remain detached because.... he lives across the country. It's really far away. He has a whole life there. How could I expect him to give it all up to come to me- I'm not asking him to be here. I'm not asking anything of him as far as the future. How could I complain that he's TAKING INITIATIVE when that is really all I've ever wanted?? I think I just feel like its all happening really fast and I'm nervous about that. I want to be sure we are really compatible.

[RedRobin]

I've just been reading...

 

I really hope you don't discard him if you find out he can't afford to support you while you stay at home with kids. Few things annoy me more than women who toss aside a good man... A self sufficient, hard working responsible man, mind you... because she can't or won't make her own money, save her own money, and be a full partner... Not just a SAHM, lady who lunches with her entitled girlfriends and shopping all day.

 

I haven't read your whole thread. Does he even want kids? You say 'if you are ready'. Isn't that something you guys discussed already?

 

Dunno... Some of your concerns seem shallow. It's all about him putting you on a pedestal and giving you the goddess treatment. What about him?

 

As for not being over his ex wife. Have you ever been divorced? You don't ever really get over the fact that the life you planned isn't going to happen... And starting over isn't a lot of fun. If all he wanted to do was fill a void, he could do that closer to home... Not entertain a relationship with someone x miles away...

 

Anyway... I do hope it works out for you, but I am starting to feel a little sorry for him actually...

[GildedLily]

I've just been reading...

 

I really hope you don't discard him if you find out he can't afford to support you while you stay at home with kids. Few things annoy me more than women who toss aside a good man... A self sufficient, hard working responsible man, mind you... because she can't or won't make her own money, save her own money, and be a full partner... Not just a SAHM, lady who lunches with her entitled girlfriends and shopping all day.

 

I haven't read your whole thread. Does he even want kids? You say 'if you are ready'. Isn't that something you guys discussed already?

 

Dunno... Some of your concerns seem shallow. It's all about him putting you on a pedestal and giving you the goddess treatment. What about him?

 

As for not being over his ex wife. Have you ever been divorced? You don't ever really get over the fact that the life you planned isn't going to happen... And starting over isn't a lot of fun. If all he wanted to do was fill a void, he could do that closer to home... Not entertain a relationship with someone x miles away...

 

Anyway... I do hope it works out for you, but I am starting to feel a little sorry for him actually...

 

Wow are you serious? How is a stay at home mom, a woman who lunches with her entitled girlfriends? Lol, being a mom and a full time one at that is equal to a man working a full time job. It's the most important job she'll ever have and yet in your eyes she should dump her kids in a day care and help bring home the bacon to be equal to her husband? Question for you, if you were a baby who could speak your own mind, would you chose to be raised by a Nannie, a day care or by your own loving mother?

Venus, I applaud you for looking for a man that can support you, while you do the most demanding and important job there is, raising your children.

[lana-banana]

As much as I hate to say it, I think RedRobin may have the right idea. Your yellow flag doesn't sound as snobby as much as just plain selfish. It doesn't appear that he's struggling with money; after working very hard to save up for your vacation he paid for your hotel, paid for your meals and so forth, and your chief complaint is he didn't want to go out and spend more money? Why on earth didn't you at least pay for half of the hotel? Just because someone is financially secure doesn't mean they can spend money whenever they feel like it. Using discretion and not wasting money is what makes them financially secure in the first place! It really bothers me that you're reassured at the thought of him "spoiling" you the next time you go to visit, as if you need to be spoiled to survive in a relationship.

 

I don't know what the cost of living is in your area. I live in a major city on the East Coast and have a six-figure income with no debt, but the cost of living here is so high that raising a child on my salary alone is not that simple. I have talked about it with my boyfriend, who makes far more money than I do and who also encourages me to be a stay-at-home mother when we get married and adopt. Is that feasible in the long run? I can see staying home for the first few years, maybe, but at some point I'd want to get back into the workforce to make things easier for braces, college savings, ballet recitals, etc. I would frankly like to keep at least a part-time job even during those first few years so I could keep contributing to my mutual funds and 401k.

 

Never having been divorced, I can't really speak to the ex-wife thing, but you cannot reasonably expect him to stop talking to the mother of his children. They will always be in each other's lives if only for that reason, but they may also be friends (of a sort) too. When you spend about twenty years and have multiple children with someone, you form a bond, even if things eventually go south. It would probably be much worse if they weren't talking.

 

One of the disadvantages to a long-distance relationship is that differences like this take much longer to notice. You will have to decide for yourself if these are insurmountable or not. Personally, I don't think you know enough about him and his lifestyle yet to determine whether you're truly incompatible or not. But if the worst thing you have to say about him is that he doesn't spoil you and you might have to be a working mother, you're in pretty good shape.

 

(Also: not to derail this thread or anything, but could we please stop saying that motherhood is "the most demanding and important job there is"? Motherhood is important, I get it, but let's not demean the accomplishments of everyone who isn't or chooses not to be a mother, and I certainly have nothing against the women who provided for their children by working three jobs. Motherhood is not a one-size-fits-all arrangement.)

Edited December 4, 2015 by lana-banana

[BluEyeL]

Yeah I also have a problem with SAHMs. Brainwashed my son to make sure he never marries someone who aspires to be one. Not really fair for a man to carry the financial burden alone in this day and time, when women have opportunities. To me, it is lazy and selfish. I live on one income and it is not easy although I make low six figures. Two incomes these days are necessary. I don't buy the story of how hard it is to do housework. The stress level is not nearly as high as building a career. It's just entitled in my book. You have opportunities just keep working .

 

I also do not see any flags there. When talking about the ex wife I thought you were dating my ex husband who also lives in Louisiana. Lol He is still sending me Christmas gifts. But the rest doesn't match.

 

People who are rich are tight with money. People who throw money around have empty bank accounts. I think it's actually smart of him to be that way and I don't see it as a sign that he doesn't do well with money. My boyfriend is effectively a millionaire and you would not guess if you met him. Doesn't take me to fancy restaurants and do a lot of lavish things all the time . Doesn't dress up and drives a. Ford. It matters how much you keep not how much you make .

 

Good luck and be flexible with these things. He sounds like a good man so far.

Edited December 4, 2015 by BluEyeL

[Eighty_nine]

Yeah I also have a problem with SAHMs. Brainwashed my son to make sure he never marries someone who aspires to be one. Not really fair for a man to carry the financial burden alone in this day and time, when women have opportunities. To me, it is lazy and selfish. I live on one income and it is not easy although I make low six figures. Two incomes these days are necessary. I don't buy the story of how hard it is to do housework. The stress level is not nearly as high as building a career. It's just entitled in my book. You have opportunities just keep working .

 

I also do not see any flags there. When talking about the ex wife I thought you were dating my ex husband who also lives in Louisiana. Lol He is still sending me Christmas gifts. But the rest doesn't match.

 

People who are rich are tight with money. People who throw money around have empty bank accounts. I think it's actually smart of him to be that way and I don't see it as a sign that he doesn't do well with money. My boyfriend is effectively a millionaire and you would not guess if you met him. Doesn't take me to fancy restaurants and do a lot of lavish things all the time . Doesn't dress up and drives a. Ford. It matters how much you keep not how much you make .

 

Good luck and be flexible with these things. He sounds like a good man so far.

 

woah. You have a "problem" with it? But no problem with working women paying a small fortune, quite literally to put their child in day care? Now, something's wrong there. This is hitting a nerve with me because while I'm gainfully employed, thinking about a decent portion of my salary going to daycare while I work my a** off at work, just to come home and keep working very hard to raise my child, is something I'm considering NOT doing that til my kid is in school (I have a small business as a side job, so I may try to expand my earnings with that) anyway, really surprised to hear anyone would have a "problem" with moms who stay home.

 

However Venus, one thing really stuck out to me: you "want to be able to rely on your man if you have to." You should set yourself up to rely on yourself only. Having two incomes is great, but looking for a significant other who can support you if needed... Well, that's great if it happens, but it's NOT what really matters. Being responsible financially is important... The actual amount of money he makes is NOT. Hopefully you come to decide that is not an issue for you.

[EricaH329]

Before I say anything else, I have to disagree with the above posters. I believe you aren't out looking to be spoiled. What I got from your post is that you are more worried about him being financially responsible. Not throwing his money at everything he can. Not 'mooching' off of you, and being able to be financially secure enough to possibly support a stay at home mother (if that's the option you choose). Honestly, I don't think that's too much to ask at all!

 

If you decide you want to be a STAHM, that's your choice. And in doing so, you would need a man that is financially responsible (as you've clearly stated). IMO, there is nothing wrong with choosing that path. I don't find it 'lazy' or any other negative term you could apply to it. That's a personal choice, regardless of what others may feel about it.

 

Also - I believe the other posters were reading into your post the wrong way when they came to the conclusion that you want to be spoiled. I did not read it that way at all! And, honestly, who doesn't want to be spoiled once in awhile??

 

Now that i've gotten that off my chest, I wanted to comment on a couple of things you've said.

 

Your hesitation towards this relationship - to me - is understandable. Like you've said, it's still new and these feelings are happening at a rapid rate. Not to mention, it's long distance - which brings a whole new set of worries on top of the normal ones.

 

Being afraid to 'pour your heart and soul' into this, IMO, is totally normal. Not only for a LDR, but for a normal one as well. Everyone is vulnerable to a degree, and everyone has a wall up (again, to a degree). Some people let their vulnerability show early on, while others keep it guarded. It all happens naturally, and in your own time.

 

To be honest, if you went into this heart first and didn't have any reservations - i'd be a bit more worried. I think you are doing what's right for you by understanding yourself enough to know what you're feeling.

 

As far as your yellow flags go - I don't have much to say about them. I, also, haven't dated a man that has been divorced, so I honestly can't say how it'd make me feel to go through what you are. The best advice I can give you on that front, is if it gets to a point where you become bothered by it - communicate it with him. Talk to him about your worries and fears. It'll either confirm your feelings, or he will show you they are nothing to worry about.

Edited December 4, 2015 by EricaH329

[losangelena]

woah. You have a "problem" with it? But no problem with working women paying a small fortune, quite literally to put their child in day care? Now, something's wrong there. This is hitting a nerve with me because while I'm gainfully employed, thinking about a decent portion of my salary going to daycare while I work my a** off at work, just to come home and keep working very hard to raise my child, is something I'm considering NOT doing that til my kid is in school (I have a small business as a side job, so I may try to expand my earnings with that) anyway, really surprised to hear anyone would have a "problem" with moms who stay home.

 

Not to turn this into some superfluous debate or anything, but I get kind of when I hear women rag on other women who choose to stay home with their kids.

 

My mom did it until my brother and I were school aged; I have a couple of friends who do it now (in Los Angeles, not exactly a cheap place to live). They are FAAAAAARRRRRRR from selfish. In each of these situations, it's been a joint decision between the wife and husband to determine what's best for their families.

 

It's true that working from home is not the same as having a career, but just because there's not a hefty dollar sign attached to it, that doesn't mean it doesn't have merit. I don't believe the caricature that all SAHMs are entitled women who shop and have expensive lunches and get their nails done all day. That's just ... HA, wow, no. The ones I know are heavily involved with their kids' social groups and early education and are helping their families get by frugally.

 

Every family is different, and a couple who decides to have the mother (or father!) stay home for a time to raise the kids is no worse or less deserving of respect than one where both parents work. Just because y'all don't agree with it doesn't mean there needs to be this harsh judgement attached, jesus. Oh wait, I forgot, that's par for the course around here.

Edited December 4, 2015 by losangelena

[BluEyeL]

woah. You have a "problem" with it? But no problem with working women paying a small fortune, quite literally to put their child in day care? Now, something's wrong there. This is hitting a nerve with me because while I'm gainfully employed, thinking about a decent portion of my salary going to daycare while I work my a** off at work, just to come home and keep working very hard to raise my child, is something I'm considering NOT doing that til my kid is in school (I have a small business as a side job, so I may try to expand my earnings with that) anyway, really surprised to hear anyone would have a "problem" with moms who stay home.

 

However Venus, one thing really stuck out to me: you "want to be able to rely on your man if you have to." You should set yourself up to rely on yourself only. Having two incomes is great, but looking for a significant other who can support you if needed... Well, that's great if it happens, but it's NOT what really matters. Being responsible financially is important... The actual amount of money he makes is NOT. Hopefully you come to decide that is not an issue for you.

Right, I have a problem with that and I don't advise my son to get involved with a woman who views staying home to raise the children as her right/goal.

 

It's your choice what you want to do though, I'm not marrying you or care about everyone's choices.

 

I do not have a problem with women who put their kids in daycare, no.That's how I view the world in this day and age and not two people view the world the same. I am OK with staying home for a while but not as a long term goal and permanent situation. I would not advise my daughter to do that either.

 

A man marrying a woman who doesn't work outside the home risks much more, more stress to provide for everyone and more risk to be wiped out in a divorce. If the woman didn't work, he would need to pay her more child support, possibly alimony (depending on the state) and overall, not a good situation. I hope my son listens and marries a productive woman who can contribute to the burdens of living and raising a family, and not just by doing housework and taking care of the kids.

 

Look, it's everyone's choice what they want to do. But having a man support you is not a right you should expect in 2015-2016. IMO, it's entitled.

[BluEyeL]

Usually the "ragging" goes both ways. I'm on the one side, the others are on the other side. The truth is, 70 years ago, you didn't have the option to do anything else and life was easier, a man could easier support a family from one income. Now, not so much and you have opportunities to contribute. If you make a joint decision with the husband not to work, that's fine. But to expect it as a right, not fine.

[introverted1]

I really hope you don't discard him if you find out he can't afford to support you while you stay at home with kids. Few things annoy me more than women who toss aside a good man... A self sufficient, hard working responsible man, mind you... because she can't or won't make her own money, save her own money, and be a full partner... Not just a SAHM, lady who lunches with her entitled girlfriends and shopping all day. .

 

I cannot possibly disagree with this more.

 

As someone who had a high-paying professional career that she left to become a SAHM, I can only say that being a SAHM was the most rewarding job I ever had (and my kids benefitted tremendously), it is way more work than going to the office ever was. To equate being a SAHM with an entitled woman who lunches tells me that the person making this statement has no clue about what's involved, including the sacrifices that are made.

 

Ultimately, the decision of whether to put kids in day care or to have a parent at home is one to be made by the parents. There is no absolute right or wrong here and just as it would be wrong to shame the OP for wanting a career and relegating her kids to daycare, so is it wrong to shame her for wanting to be at home.

[clia]

Thanks, everyone

I think my hesitation comes from the fact that this all seems fast to me. Its been two months, but I guess the 'intensity' of it in such a short time is a little scary to me.

 

I think this would be scary for most people! If it's moving to fast for you, it's up to you to start pacing it. It may be difficult given the distance.

 

I am glad things seem to be going well for you and that his visit went well, though!

 

He doesn't pressure me or make me feel uncomfortable. Its my own thing... I'm not used to a guy being SO SURE that he wants me. I guess that this is my own issue and there's nothing he's doing. Its a lot of emotion that I haven't experienced in so long... it just makes me a little gun-shy to pour my whole heart and soul and expectations into this, being so new.

 

To be honest, I don't think you should rush to pour your whole heart, soul, and expectations into this. Again, pace yourself. He really is still a stranger and lives far away. You have to protect your heart, first and foremost. It seems like you realize this, though, based on what you've posted.

 

BUT- the amount of time (daily) that we have spent talking and getting to know each other... should amount to the same level of 'knowing' someone just as if you were in the same city.

 

Some may feel otherwise, but I disagree. I don't think you can truly get to know someone until you are around them in person and are interacting with them in normal "life" context. It's very easy to put on a façade when you are only communicating on the phone, via text, or via video chat. You only have to be "on" for minute portions of the day. It's just not real life. You don't get to see him interacting with third parties, how he handles stress, etc.

 

Another yellow flag: the background differences. Without coming across as a snob, I will try to explain. I grew up privileged, educated, well traveled, comfortable life, nice things. He didn't. He's not sophisticated, he's not polished and his table manners are less than great. He's a terrible speller, and he's not stupid but he never had advanced education. He's a blue collar guy from the South. He works with his hands and drives a Jeep with all his tools in it. But.. he can fix anything and really is a gentleman, I must say. I never have to lift a finger around him. I can't say the same for all the other guys I've dated who have a similar background to me.

I always thought I'd end up with someone closer to my background. I guess I had this preconceived idea of 'my type'- when my type really is, or should be.. someone who loves and adores me.

 

Well, I don't think this sounds snobby at all. In my opinion, these types of background and cultural differences can be dealbreakers. That said, there are many successful white collar/blue collar (so to speak) relationships. You have to decide whether or not it's for you. You have to think about how he would integrate with your life, your friends, your coworkers, etc. if and when you are able to live in the same city and start a life together. Are these things that are going to bother you down the road? Will you feel a sense that you settled because you didn't wait for a man with a lifestyle/background more similar to your own? How much does this weigh against how he treats you? (Which again...hard to really determine how this is going to be in the long haul, given that you are long distance. It could be honeymoon phase stuff.) All questions only you can answer...

 

I guess the brass tacks of it is... my worry is that he is financially secure.

 

I think you need to define for yourself what you mean by "financially secure." Many people would consider a man who has a good job, a home, a car, etc. to be financially secure. (I mean, assuming he doesn't have a mountain of debt hidden away!) Do you really mean a man who has a lot of disposable income after he's met his day to day financial obligations (i.e. mortgage, car payment, child support, retirement, bills, etc.)?

 

I just want to be sure he's not irresponsible with his money.

 

How do you think you can find this out in a long distance relationship?

 

I want to be able to rely on my man if I have to. I work and have my own career, but what if I was ready to have kids? Lots of my girlfriends don't have to work because their husbands support them while they care for their kids. I would like to have that option.. so I look for someone financially secure.

 

Did you have the discussion with him about whether he wants more kids?

 

He was super tight with money when he was here.

 

This could be a good sign -- he's not frivolous with money. Or it could be a bad sign -- he doesn't have much and can't afford it.

 

When I was in New Orleans he was really showering me with little gifts and drinks, etc. Here- not so much at all. He paid for our hotel and when we went out to breakfast, bought my coffee, small things.

 

New Orleans...you had just met. He was "courting" you. Since then, he's paid for a plane ticket, hotel, etc.

 

He didn't want to go out and spend money.

 

What do you mean by this? What did you want to do that he didn't want to do because it involved spending money?

 

It just made me think- is he secure with money, or is it just a 'sometimes' thing??

 

I'll be honest -- my guess is that he doesn't have a lot of disposable income. He may be financially solid, but after all the bills doesn't have much leftover to spend on trips, gifts, and frivolous things.

 

In that case, that is a yellow flag for me! BUT- he said when I come back to New Orleans, he can't wait to spoil me.

 

That's months away...he has time to save up.

 

So, I have to give a little slack seeing that he spent hundreds of dollars to fly out here on the busiest time of the year and hasn't worked on contract for a couple weeks so that he could take this vacation. It was just something I noticed. I paid for a meal, I bought a couple groceries, nothing extravagant... I cooked, but he helped and set up my table for a perfect romantic setting, I never had to wash a dish, or do anything to clean up or care for my house, he even did a load of laundry for me. Didn't think twice to take out my trash and make my bed every day. He even fixed a small issue with my car.

 

He sounds like a sweet guy! I don't think you having to pay for a meal or buy groceries is out of line at all, considering he paid for the plane ticket and hotel. Since you have a job, you should be contributing financially as well.

 

I think the biggest problem you are going to have with these "yellow flags" is that they are going to be difficult to investigate in a long distance relationship. The financial stuff starts to show itself as you spend more time with a man and you see what kinds of dates he takes you on, how he spends his money, etc. The background stuff could (I think) start to become a bigger issue as you spend more time with him and try to integrate him in your life. All of that is really hard to see long distance.

 

What are you going to get him for Christmas?

 

I guess I feel uncertain- or am trying to remain detached because.... he lives across the country. It's really far away. He has a whole life there. How could I expect him to give it all up to come to me- I'm not asking him to be here. I'm not asking anything of him as far as the future. How could I complain that he's TAKING INITIATIVE when that is really all I've ever wanted?? I think I just feel like its all happening really fast and I'm nervous about that. I want to be sure we are really compatible.

 

I think you would want to make it clear that he isn't moving FOR you. That's way too much pressure on you and the relationship.

[lana-banana]

I have nothing against stay-at-home mothers; I was raised by an amazing one. I do believe it may not always be a realistic choice, but it's not entitled at all. What is entitled, in my opinion, is expecting a guy who bought a plane ticket during holiday season ($$$) and a hotel room ($$$) to spend even more money on you. I still don't understand why you didn't pay for at least half the hotel costs. This guy isn't poor but is unlikely to be rich. Why not help?

 

Of course we all like to be spoiled sometimes. I'm privileged to be with a guy who buys me flowers, fancy dinners and pretty things on the regular. But I couldn't imagine him dropping about two grand to see me over the holidays, plus buying breakfasts and helping out around the house, and still wishing he would do more.

[venusishername]

Wow!

I don't have time now to rebut or give more info- but firstly I just wanted to respond to lana's comment above. 'Two grand' is a far far stretch. Clia's post resonates most with how I'm feeling, Erica's too. Not going to get into discussion about stay at home moms.

I'll write more and reply to some of the posts later today. Clia hit it on the nose.

[BluEyeL]

I have nothing against stay-at-home mothers; I was raised by an amazing one. I do believe it may not always be a realistic choice, but it's not entitled at all. What is entitled, in my opinion, is expecting a guy who bought a plane ticket during holiday season ($$$) and a hotel room ($$$) to spend even more money on you. I still don't understand why you didn't pay for at least half the hotel costs. This guy isn't poor but is unlikely to be rich. Why not help?

 

Of course we all like to be spoiled sometimes. I'm privileged to be with a guy who buys me flowers, fancy dinners and pretty things on the regular. But I couldn't imagine him dropping about two grand to see me over the holidays, plus buying breakfasts and helping out around the house, and still wishing he would do more.

 

Yeah, I do not think she should have contributed to his hotel costs at this time. Maybe later on in the relationship, once they discussed money. Now he's still courting her, he's paying to visit.

 

I also don't really have a problem with stay at home moms per say, just with the attitude that it's a right. IMO is a luxury these days and the attitude should be 'whatever it takes' not "I want my husband to support me". It's one thing if everyone , husband and wife, are totally prepared to do whatever it takes in life and at some point they sit down and take everything into account and come to the conclusion that it's best to have her stay home for a while. I would have a problem with my son bringing home a girl who announced that she expects that to be the case and she plans to quit her job once she has kids, before even marriage or children were discussed, because that's what's "right". That's having an attitude problem.

 

I also think clia hit it right on, I agree with everything. My concern re kids is since this guy is older and has grown up kids, would he be willing to have more? I am not a guy but judging by how I feel now when my son is a teenager, if I were a man and I could theoretically have more kids, I would not feel prepared to start over with 18+ years of raising one or more children all over again!! This should be discussed. That is a very important issue! If you want kids and he doesn't, it's not going to work out.

Edited December 4, 2015 by BluEyeL

[Oregon_Dude]

I don't think you should rush to pour your whole heart, soul, and expectations into this. Again, pace yourself. He really is still a stranger and lives far away. You have to protect your heart, first and foremost. It seems like you realize this, though, based on what you've posted.

 

...

 

I don't think you can truly get to know someone until you are around them in person and are interacting with them in normal "life" context. It's very easy to put on a façade when you are only communicating on the phone, via text, or via video chat. You only have to be "on" for minute portions of the day. It's just not real life. You don't get to see him interacting with third parties, how he handles stress, etc.

I 100% agree with this. OP, I'm so happy for you that you had a magical weekend and are at the beginning of something great. Those butterfly feelings are unparalleled in the ranks of the most pleasurable things Life can provide.

 

This year I had a very similar experience to yours - got involved with a woman via online dating, who lived several hundred miles away. Our correspondences quickly became increasingly intimate and revealing (messages), and then we transitioned to phone calls and Skype. When we met up for a long weekend in a hotel room, everything was absolutely hot, crazy and amazing. We continued this LDR type thing over the course of 3 months, getting to see each other only about once every three weeks.

 

Over the course of the r/s, she was only able to "hide" her true nature for so long, which was immature, poor communicator, jealous, petty. It was easy for her to hide these things when our communication was primarily based over phone and text, but when we spent almost an entire week together, I came to know her tactics, which included the silent treatment, pushing me away, and other emotionally abusive things.

 

Point is, as clia said, it is so easy to fall in love with someone when your r/s is malleable via distance. In other words, perfection is achievable when you don't see each other very often. Unfortunately, none of us is perfect, this man of yours included. This isn't to rain on your parade; only to say that what you are experiencing is in large part DUE to the distance, which has made this illusion of perfection a possibility.

 

So, please be careful. It is quite possible that this is the guy for you, but also realize that you are, in some ways, indulging a fantasy. People are very imperfect. You haven't gotten to see this side of him yet, and may not for some time, but what you are seeing during your short visits together is his attempt to maintain the illusion, as I am sure you are also attempting.

 

tl;dr... LDRs are tough are often unrealistic for a number of reasons, including the aforementioned.

[Redhead14]

I 100% agree with this. OP, I'm so happy for you that you had a magical weekend and are at the beginning of something great. Those butterfly feelings are unparalleled in the ranks of the most pleasurable things Life can provide.

 

This year I had a very similar experience to yours - got involved with a woman via online dating, who lived several hundred miles away. Our correspondences quickly became increasingly intimate and revealing (messages), and then we transitioned to phone calls and Skype. When we met up for a long weekend in a hotel room, everything was absolutely hot, crazy and amazing. We continued this LDR type thing over the course of 3 months, getting to see each other only about once every three weeks.

 

Over the course of the r/s, she was only able to "hide" her true nature for so long, which was immature, poor communicator, jealous, petty. It was easy for her to hide these things when our communication was primarily based over phone and text, but when we spent almost an entire week together, I came to know her tactics, which included the silent treatment, pushing me away, and other emotionally abusive things.

 

Point is, as clia said, it is so easy to fall in love with someone when your r/s is malleable via distance. In other words, perfection is achievable when you don't see each other very often. Unfortunately, none of us is perfect, this man of yours included. This isn't to rain on your parade; only to say that what you are experiencing is in large part DUE to the distance, which has made this illusion of perfection a possibility.

 

So, please be careful. It is quite possible that this is the guy for you, but also realize that you are, in some ways, indulging a fantasy. People are very imperfect. You haven't gotten to see this side of him yet, and may not for some time, but what you are seeing during your short visits together is his attempt to maintain the illusion, as I am sure you are also attempting.

 

tl;dr... LDRs are tough are often unrealistic for a number of reasons, including the aforementioned.

 

The distance is what is going to inhibit the development of a relationship. If the relationship was firmly rooted and established prior to the distance, it would have a better chance for "success".

 

They will not be able to develop the bond and foundation necessary when they don't/can't see each other very often. What will likely happen, is that they will each be idealizing each other and imagining what it would be like to be with each other all the time and when/if it gets to the point where one or the other moves to be closer and/or moves in, they will be disappointed because the other person doesn't live up to their idealized version of them. Which is basically what you've said above.

 

This kinda happens anyway even if a relationship builds under usual circumstances, but it would be even more "obvious" in these cases.

[RedRobin]

Wow are you serious? How is a stay at home mom, a woman who lunches with her entitled girlfriends? Lol, being a mom and a full time one at that is equal to a man working a full time job. It's the most important job she'll ever have and yet in your eyes she should dump her kids in a day care and help bring home the bacon to be equal to her husband? Question for you, if you were a baby who could speak your own mind, would you chose to be raised by a Nannie, a day care or by your own loving mother?

Venus, I applaud you for looking for a man that can support you, while you do the most demanding and important job there is, raising your children.

 

 

If I were a baby who could speak my own mind, I'd want to parents who were fully capable of caring for me. That doesn't include people who completely divorce themselves from the work world. That's what I call a hypocrite.

 

 

These days, it is a very bad decision for any person to completely remove themselves from some kind of paid work, even if it is just part time. Anything could happen to the other spouse. Anything. Death, illness, a layoff. Being a full-time SAHM or SAHD for that matter... That's a fantasy entertained, yes, mostly by the entitled... who, not surprisingly, often have a nanny or housekeeper even when the other parent (usually the woman) doesn't have a paying job.

 

 

so yea, if you are the woman? you need to PLAN for that time. Save up the money... arrange for part time work. You know who are the ones who are most likely to end up in poverty later in life or a divorce? It's women.

 

 

You can't depend on men to make your way in the world, honey. But hey, if that's your plan, just ditch this one now. Since you are looking at the world through what he can give you...

 

 

Edited: I just read the other responses. I don't have a good feeling about this at all.... mostly for him. It sounds like he got enamored with a younger woman... (how much younger, not sure?) and you are pumping him for whatever because that's the lifestyle you are used to.

 

 

Meh, not seeing it.

Edited December 6, 2015 by RedRobin

[GildedLily]

If I were a baby who could speak my own mind, I'd want to parents who were fully capable of caring for me. That doesn't include people who completely divorce themselves from the work world. That's what I call a hypocrite.

 

 

These days, it is a very bad decision for any person to completely remove themselves from some kind of paid work, even if it is just part time. Anything could happen to the other spouse. Anything. Death, illness, a layoff. Being a full-time SAHM or SAHD for that matter... That's a fantasy entertained, yes, mostly by the entitled... who, not surprisingly, often have a nanny or housekeeper even when the other parent (usually the woman) doesn't have a paying job.

 

 

so yea, if you are the woman? you need to PLAN for that time. Save up the money... arrange for part time work. You know who are the ones who are most likely to end up in poverty later in life or a divorce? It's women.

 

 

You can't depend on men to make your way in the world, honey. But hey, if that's your plan, just ditch this one now. Since you are looking at the world through what he can give you...

 

 

I'm not sure exactly what you mean? Why is it entertaining a fantasy if your husband has for example his own business and makes enough for the wife to stay home ? I am quite a bit older than your usual mom ( late 30's) so I have a career that I can go back to at any time, if I chose. In addition, I'm a licensed Realtor. So I am staying home until our child is school age (kindergarten, no preschool) my husband and I have more than enough life insurance should something happen to him. In the event of a divorce, I get child support and alimony, in addition to a divorce settlement. Of course, I'm also covered carrier wise if I decided to go back to work. Why would I work part-time, only to pay a Nannie or a Day-care? I'm not understanding where you think SAHMs are taking this big risk? I don't think it's selfish or entitled to want to see your child take his first steps or hear him say his first words, I don't think it's selfish to want your face to be the first face he sees when he wakes up from his nap.

[EricaH329]

This thread has been completely derailed from the main purpose. I think if we put the same energy that has been spent debating over whether being a STAHM is a good choice (all personal opinions that aren't relevant to the main issue), into trying to support and help her with her current feelings towards this relationship - we would get a lot more accomplished.

 

Venus - now that it's been a couple of days, how are you feeling about everything? I'm really interested to hear about how things are after the initial emotional rollercoaster has subsided.