When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

This thread has been completely derailed from the main purpose. I think if we put the same energy that has been spent debating over whether being a STAHM is a good choice (all personal opinions that aren't relevant to the main issue), into trying to support and help her with her current feelings towards this relationship - we would get a lot more accomplished.

 

Venus - now that it's been a couple of days, how are you feeling about everything? I'm really interested to hear about how things are after the initial emotional rollercoaster has subsided.

 

Thanks, Erica. I'll have to sit down and write later tonight. I have some updates.

[venusishername]

Ok, now that I've had a few days to process, and he and I have still been in daily contact just as before, maybe even a little more now, since he's left... I am very satisfied about where this is going. Now I'm even more sure about my feelings. As time goes on, I have less and less doubt or insecurity, or fear.

 

Firstly, I want to just touch on the whole 'stay at home mom' issue and then I'm dropping it. I did not mean that I intend or want to be a stay at home mom. I am not against it either... but I have my own education and good career, I can work anywhere and I am good at what I do. I'm a very independent woman and I like having my own income, as I have since I was 18 years old. If I were to have children, I would like the OPTION to stay home for a short time with the baby. I doubt I would last too long and would be anxious to get back to work, aside from the comfortable income it provides, I would want to get out of the house! At least that's how I see it going... if that happens.

I simply meant- I need to know that he is financially RESPONSIBLE, it doesn't matter to me how much money he makes. I need a man with a stable job and a steady income if I'm going to think about marrying him. Period. The man I marry or am seriously dating.. I would not want someone who has exorbitant debt, or has trouble staying out of the red. I totally understand that sometimes money gets tight, you spend a lot during the holidays, you spend a lot on plane tickets or vacations and can't be so freewheeling sometimes with money. That's perfectly fine. Clia asked what was it that I would've liked to be doing with him that involved spending money; I think I would have liked it if we got dressed up and went out to a nice dinner or out for drinks or something like that. That's all. I'm sure there will be time for that though. Spending time with him just doing simple things like cooking and having a romantic dinner at home, and walking on the beach and watching the sunset really is priceless though.. and that is so important. He spent several hundred to come out here and did pay for our hotel one night. I wouldn't have pitched in on the hotel because I was hosting him at my place for 4 days.

He said tonight that he wanted to take me out and treat me next time for doing that. I mentioned today that I would like to go out there soon, and he says come this month, next month, the month after that, etc.

I know he'll take care of me next time. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to looking out for a guy with financial 'issues', seeing as my ex was totally irresponsible with money and at the end of our relationship was borrowing money from me. He always paid it back, but once that started happening often, that was my cue. I just need to spend more time with him to see how he is with money, and his income stability. As a woman, I do have to think about those things.. since I do want to have kids, and once again- I would LIKE the OPTION to take time off to do so. Not forever, just to be comfortable enough with money to choose to do that for a period of time.

 

And- to clear it up (again)- I asked him if he would want to have more kids some time ago. He says he does... with the right person.

 

On that note, the next point: his ex wife. She is not the mother of his kids. He had his kids when he was very young, and did not get married until his thirties. This 'ex' does not have ties to the kids... I do know that they are 'friendly', but I don't know why the need to talk. I guess that's for a different conversation in the future. My concern is that he isn't still in love with her and would want to get back together. Seeing that he is with me and is in love with me, I don't see why. It's just in the back of my mind... new situation for me, that's all.

 

I realize the cultural differences are not deal breakers, balanced with the way he treats me, also they are not as important as the common values we have. It was just different to see him out of his Southern element; probably just like me being in New Orleans.

 

Since he left- we have been in daily contact, several times a day via text, almost always a nightly phone call. He doesn't initiate any more or less than before, but the conversations are getting 'deeper', and plans are being made. We video chat sometimes; we usually have made a regular thing of talking before or in bed. Its so nice to look forward to that time together. Being apart is hard, today was hard for me because I wanted him physically and also to spend a nice Sunday with, like we did before.

I like how if we can't talk, he will still send me a text good night, etc. I've never had radio silence from him or wondered why I didn't hear back, etc. There's no difficulty in this relationship. I haven't really ever worried about things like I used to with other guys. In fact, this is really incomparable to my past 'relationships'.

The long distance... is actually a good thing in many ways. It has drawbacks, but its good for me too in the beginning to keep a clear head and not get thrown in to something too fast. I told him that sometimes I feel its moving fast. He said yes it has been intense, but he feels it not too fast or too slow, we're still getting to know and spending this time, whether it be phone conversations or planning the next visit. Its exciting and we have a lot to see and learn. I like his attitude, and it makes me feel more comfortable about taking part in this adventure.

 

On that note- I have exciting news... not yet solidified but in the works:

he told me a couple days ago that he's planning to come back with his kids to visit the family out here. He asked me if I would be willing to meet him up where I did before (about 1.5 hours away) so I could spend time with them and he and I would get a hotel for a night, then we could make it back down to my town and he'd leave from my airport. He asked me if I would be his date on New Year's Eve. :love:

He's looking to be here a few days after Christmas and leave after New Year's Day. It's been so long since I had someone I loved to be with on NYE. I'm so happy to think it won't be long until I see him, and for that holiday too! I still plan to go back to NO, I want to stay at his place and go back to that city. But as it stands I think I'm going to hold off until Mardi Gras I can't wait!!

 

 

Apparently he can't either! I sent him a picture of me wearing a black bra the other day and he was just going gaga, 'I'm coming back for you.'

Every other guy I dated was a boy. He's a man and he knows what he wants. There is nothing more attractive to me than that. He is also the only man I've dated who seems to truly care for and adore me. I'm sure my ex boyfriends did truly care for me, but this guy seems to worships the ground I walk on. He even sent me a picture last night of him out in town and stopped in front of the place where we met. Took a picture with his friend standing in front of the sign, so thoughtful to send that to me! I was sick this past week with a small medical issue, (everything's fine) but he was so concerned about my health it was very sweet. I felt cared for even though he wasn't here. I had an issue with my car when he was here that he fixed and he's been following up with me about that too. The night before he left, I started getting sad, and we were in bed about to fall asleep. He brought my head into his chest and was reassuring me it won't be long, just held my head into his chest and I was able to fall asleep happy like that, knowing he did care for me and I could feel how much he wants to make me feel protected and secure. Now that I'm getting to know him more, I can tell he's becoming protective and more caring; that feeling is growing on his part.

 

And now that I'm getting to know him more, I see his character, and my feelings are growing too.

 

Good night, LoveShack.

Edited December 7, 2015 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

Venus, it all sounds very good so far! I'm very happy for you. I hope it continues to go well. If God Forbid, it doesn't work out, remember that this feeling of things being easy is how it should always be and never let others push you around like they did in the past. I feel the same about my relationship, if things fall apart and I have to date again, I would now know exactly how it should be!

 

I understand why you want to make sure he's financially stable. Your position is very reasonable. Since his kids are grown, he probably doesn't have to pay a lot for them and probably at his age he should be stable enough with money. I think you do have this worry from your previous relationship. This guy is older, there are chances he'll be alright with that and if he's a bit cheap that's actually a good sign for what you want. Until you spend more time, a lot more time with him, you won't find out about his money situation though. You'll find out at some point if things continue to progress.

 

It is also good that he is open to having more kids.

 

Good luck and hope the next get together is just as good or better than this last one!

[EricaH329]

Oh Venus, i'm SO glad to hear things are going well!! I'm also glad you are getting what you need from a partner, with him. You clearly deserve the best, and he seems to be giving it his all! What a wonderful feeling

 

Out of pure curiosity, has he told you why his ex-wife and him broke up? Personally, I think it says a lot about a person who can still be friendly with an ex. There is a line that does need to be drawn though - in the sense that being overly friendly can cause harm to current relationships (not that I sense that's what he's doing, just making a comment).

 

Anyway, i'm looking forward to more updates!! I admit, i'm slightly living vicariously through you

[venusishername]

Oh Venus, i'm SO glad to hear things are going well!! I'm also glad you are getting what you need from a partner, with him. You clearly deserve the best, and he seems to be giving it his all! What a wonderful feeling

 

Out of pure curiosity, has he told you why his ex-wife and him broke up? Personally, I think it says a lot about a person who can still be friendly with an ex. There is a line that does need to be drawn though - in the sense that being overly friendly can cause harm to current relationships (not that I sense that's what he's doing, just making a comment).

 

Anyway, i'm looking forward to more updates!! I admit, i'm slightly living vicariously through you

 

Thank you! Me too. Gosh- I was beginning to feel resigned (no, I did feel resigned) to think I'd find a relationship again. I kind of threw in the towel so to speak- then I went to New Orleans. I guess it really is true what they say, it happens when you stop looking. Being single for 4 years was lonely and very disappointing. But I sure did learn what something real looks like, and what it doesn't. I don't think I was mature enough for a serious relationship until I went through all this. So, now I'm in a good place.

 

Yes, he has talked about why they broke up. Sounds to me as if it was just growing apart, she didn't want to be married anymore. From what I have gathered, their lifestyle differences or goals changed. He's never said a bad thing about her... which is a very good sign. It is good that they can be friendly, but if they talk often, that's my only concern. I don't mind if a person is friendly with their ex wife (that he doesn't have his kids with)... I'm more concerned that he still has ties to her, emotionally, etc. I guess that is on the back burner for now. Not something to worry about at this point.

 

We've still been in daily contact since he left. I wouldn't say that the contact has increased, but the 'depth' of communication has increased and I feel very comfortable with it. He's taking all the initiative here as far as progressing this relationship. I still plan to go out there to visit in February, but he's told me as of a few days ago that he's coming out here WITH HIS KIDS after Christmas. That's in a few weeks!!!

 

I'm nervous about meeting his kids. Actually, that's an understatement. I've never dated a guy with kids before- well once, but I never met them because he wasn't into me like that. Ha- this trip he's planning really is about his family, but he wants me to meet when my New Year's weekend starts and I can meet his kids and see the family I met on Thanksgiving while he was here. I don't have all the details yet, but he will be here again in a few weeks! Crazy. I told him- I didn't expect that you would be back so soon! And he said now he has reason to be here more. His family and me of course. It seems to be 'calling' him or something. And that's great- he seems to be taking care of what he needs to do to relocate to my state... in the long run. Not yet, but its on his mind. I think that I had a part in that of course. But if it were JUST me, I don't know if he'd be so motivated. Well, either way... he's got my state in his heart now, just as I do his. So I understand. I feel a very strong pull towards New Orleans because I loved the city- but mostly because he's there.

 

I mentioned to him- since I'll be meeting his kids.. maybe if we can make the time for him to meet my dad too. He lives between the cities where I live and my guy will be with his family. And once I told him that he was very agreeable and said we would for sure do that and why don't I ask my dad where he will be on x date and where he'd like to meet all of us. Crazy. My dad's going to be meeting my boyfriend who's also a dad, with his kids. All this is just incredible. I never thought I'd be in this situation... but its happening!

 

I realize I don't really know him that well. Its been two months. But- so far... we've seen each other monthly (now with this upcoming visit), and we've been in communication every single day for two months... I've already met his extended family, now he's introducing me to his kids.. I want to introduce him to my dad, he's met some of my friends while he was here... all of this seems soon... but I guess when I think about it... is it really too soon? If you feel strongly and are in love and have a strong affection and potentially real love for someone... isn't it a natural progression to do these things... to want to do these things that we are planning? I think it is. Like I said, I don't know him all that well yet, not on a daily interactive basis. In the course of two months that we've met, we've spent a total of about a week's time face to face.

 

 

However- I must say... each day that goes by, I'm getting to see his character. And he's made me fall in love with him because of that character. From the small things to the big stuff. He even said something today about a song I sent to him that showed me he could appreciate it in the same way I did. (Small thing that made me like him more)- to the way he talks about his kids and the things he wants to share with them (big stuff that makes me see what a good father he is).

As far as the way he treats me: I have seen consistency since day one. He truly does care for me, I can tell. He is concerned about my health and happiness and well being. He continues to inquire about who I am as a person, has spent a lot of time getting to know me on a personal level where sex was off the table (only because we were separated by a large chunk of the U.S.- but regardless). I've never had to wonder his intentions with me, or wonder how he feels about me. Not one sliver of doubt about that. I think he's made it very easy for me to open my heart, although I still have my moments of fear that resurface. He's even told me that I make it easy for HIM to open his heart. Go figure. Maybe we were just both in the same place at the right time. TIMING. It matters.

 

This is scary, and unfamiliar territory for me... a man in his early 40's.. that's new... grown kids, he's so serious about pursuing and nurturing this relationship... all new. I think the distance creates a safety buffer for me, although of course I wish we could close the distance. I think it makes me feel more comfortable with the pace; the fact that I still have so much of my independence and that we are still in the early phase of getting to know. To live so far away and to have my own 'life' separate from his at this point makes me feel a bit more 'secure' about this adventure.

 

Either way, he'll be here (again) in three weeks!! This next trip will be a bit different from our romantic and sex driven visit of last time. I asked him what was his favorite part about his trip out here? And he said without hesitation- 'making love to you' ! Ahh...

Edited December 9, 2015 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Just wanted to post another short update.

I'm a goner.

Wondered if I'd ever fall in love again and now I have. We are over the moon enamored by each other. The absence is making our hearts grow fonder. He sent me something very special tonight. A poem written by a street artist in New Orleans. He showed a picture of me and told a little about us and this artist typed it up with a typewriter this short poem about our longing and long distance. It was so beautiful.

I wasn't sure if it could last or continue like this. But it has been. I think about it and one of my closest friends said that I don't have to do the long distance thing if I wasn't fulfilled by it. If I really wanted to be with someone, I could get that at home. But she's wrong! I haven't found anything close to this- ever! Even when I was in relationships before. He treats me differently and makes me feel differently than anyone else I've loved, and there hasn't been many.

He continues to impress me and I grow more in love with who he is and what makes him tick. I'm still learning, and like I mentioned there are some 'differences' that I think can be overcome.

 

How romantic to feel this way during this time of year.

[EricaH329]

I am SO over-the-top happy for you!!! It's a wonderful feeling to be in love

 

My first thought when you wrote about what your friend said - that you didn't have to do the long distance thing, that you could find someone closer to you - is that it's a bit absurd (no offense to your friend). It's not easy to find someone that you can fall in love with. In fact, it rarely happens throughout your life. So when you do find it - hold onto it!

 

If it's ok, i'd like to share an experience that i've had. I was in a LDR for about 2 - 2 1/2 years with my ex fiance and it was one of the absolute hardest things i've had to in my entire life. At first, it was great. Getting to know someone who lives quite a distance away is thrilling. It's hard, because you don't get to see them as often as you'd like, but in a way you get to know them better than you would if they were right in front of you. The sexual tension that can distract you while in person, isn't there in the sense that you can really get to know the person without staring into their eyes and wanting to jump their bones.

 

I was going to share my whole story - but decided against it and deleted it. The point I was going to try and make is that LDRs are hard work. Very hard work. It's not easy in the beginning, but it's easier than after you've been with them for awhile. After a certain time period has passed, you'll want to physically be together. Whether that means moving in with one another, or moving in the same area as that person, it'll come to that point. There are a LOT of sacrifices that need to be made.

 

That being said (circling back to my main point), is that love really doesn't happen often. If it's worth it, fight for it. And be prepared to make sacrifices and endure hardships. Which i'm sure you're well aware of.

 

I'm excited to see how this all unfolds!

[venusishername]

Just about two more weeks until we see each other. The longing is getting worse for me. I knew it would.

Sometimes I feel insecure that he won't be satisfied enough by me, because the distance creates a void and its so clear we want to be close. The sexual attraction and tension is through the roof, especially now that we have been together and know how great it is.

 

I wonder sometimes if this is good enough for him, if I can keep his attention so he won't have a weak moment and be physical with someone else.

That happened with my ex when we had a short period of long distance. I found out after we broke up that he slept with someone else during those few months. I don't want that to happen now. I know that was totally different but I was sure my ex was in love with me then, and he still did what he did.

Having an insecure day. I haven't heard from him all day, although we did talk last night, and I have no reason to be unsure of how he feels about me. I'm not sure why I feel this way.

Maybe I wonder if its possible for us to sustain it this way. I need more than this distance. I know its still early and we are still getting to know. Maybe I shouldn't think past our next visit. Just one thing at a time. I never thought I'd be involved in a long distance relationship and there are some hurdles.

Edited December 15, 2015 by venusishername

[Leigh 87]

So happy for you!

 

Just a word of warning. ... I too recently got into a new relationship around the same time you did. Much like you, we had rhe *right* chemistry and the desire was through the roof. We felt so compatible and we fell head over heels.......

When I went to South America for a month, we were declaring long walls of text of vomit worthy declarations of love.

 

Absence makes things sweeter and seemingly "perfect "

 

I know you know that the initial rush of euphoria masks faults in each others personalities; you would also know that in the early throws of passion, you don't actually SEE each others personalities for all that they are.

 

When you see each other more you MIGHT argue and you may very well discover unpleasant elements to each others personalities.

 

This has happened to my relationship. We both have substantial mental issues. They were masked during the first 2, 2.5 months. ...where everything WAS bliss and we never argued. Now, over 3 months later, we ave argued a little most days and it's because we BOTH have discovered unpleasant traits about one another that the rose tinted glasses covered........We will be alright as we have sat abd observed where the source of the arguments stem from and we are fundamentally compatible as far we we know.......

 

BUT just know that once the first month or two or three passes and you spend a lot of time together, you will likely see new sides to your personalities and arguing could ensu.........

 

And trust me, the begging of these relationships where both people fall HARD and fast nearly ALWAYS crash and burn just as fast. Mine has, but fingers crossed it's just our own personal issues and rather not US.........

[clia]

I'm happy for you, but cautious!

 

Have you been able to find out anything about your yellow flag caution signs, like his ex wife, his financial situation, etc.? Are you trying to find that out?

 

Don't get too caught up in the rush of infatuation!

[venusishername]

I'm happy for you, but cautious!

 

Have you been able to find out anything about your yellow flag caution signs, like his ex wife, his financial situation, etc.? Are you trying to find that out?

 

Don't get too caught up in the rush of infatuation!

 

Thank you, me too. I am still cautious. I don't know him on the day to day as I would if there was no distance, although we talk daily, I'm not sure how much different it would be if we were in the same city. It's been 2 months now. This is the longest 'relationship' I've had since my ex. Looking back, everything else seems so fake and meaningless. There seems to be much more promise to this than both of my long term relationships before. This is much closer to what I am looking for, and how I want to be treated and respected. As I've said before, he really does seem to adore me. I never had that before, come to think of it.

 

I hate to feel I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. As for my yellow flag caution signs... no I haven't found out anything per se. No more than what I knew before. She's still in his life (reminder, no kids with her)...he told me she's with someone else. I don't feel its a major issue at this moment. However, if we were together day in and day out, I would be able to see HOW much he still communicates with her. Maybe its to tie up loose end divorce stuff? I really don't know. I guess if its on civil terms, there's no reason why you wouldn't be friendly and civil with your ex. Right? Sometimes it takes awhile and moving on into a new serious relationship to fade away. I understand that.

 

As for the financial situation...I've realized that his money situation is none of my business. As long as he's not completely frivolous or irresponsible with money and has regular income, its not a deal breaker at this time.

He has a career, he's motivated, he raised two kids and does a lot for them, he's generous and from what I can tell is responsible with his obligations. He was tight when he came to visit last time, but this upcoming trip he's planning, he seems willing to spend the money. We are serious, but his money is not my concern. We don't share a home or expenses or any other obligation. I just want to know that in the LONG TERM my man can pull his weight. I have no reason to think that he wouldn't. I'm not that great with money sometimes. Sometimes I'm frivolous and overspend. I was broke after my trip to New Orleans. Who am I to judge? But I always pay the bills and I pay my debts, and I have a nice place to live and a car and a good job. He seems to do just the same, so who am I to judge?

 

He's sent me a Christmas present already in the mail... its on the way...... he's booking this trip out here but is making frugal choices. I even offered to help look for a place, and I did, and he just booked it tonight! I'm so happy about that because its somewhere that I have been eyeing. It's a vacation rental and we'll be there for a few days beginning NYE! I am offering and intend to help with the cost of that, whether or not he accepts.

 

I think when in a relationship, there is give and take. So, he's paying to come out here, paying for accommodations, I can drive my car, put in gas, buy us some coffee, pick up groceries and cook meals for us. He makes it very easy for me to want to give. I think that's what it took.. I needed someone who I could trust to be open, and therefore giving. That's why I was single for over 4 years.

 

 

Nobody I met made me feel as though I could be totally open and just myself. Nobody really ever adored me or spent so much time getting to know me on the inside... at least nobody that I felt attracted to and excited by.. until now. He's put in the time since day one... not a day has passed that I don't feel his love and affection even though we are apart.

[venusishername]

Hi everyone,

 

 

Just wanted to check in. He will be here in a little over a week! He's planned this very romantic 'vacation' for us. It will be mainly a family affair, I will be meeting one of his grown children, (who is an adult)! I'm looking forward to it. I'm ok with not having his 100% attention the whole time; it will still be a good time.

 

The distance is getting to me. We still talk daily and the communication is very good, in fact its never ever dropped since we met, so I can't complain at all about that. We are committing to making the effort to nurturing the communication, and its working out very well on that end.

But- what bothers me is that we can't share the day to day things that come along with being in a relationship. Especially during the holidays, its hard when all my friends are busy with their own family and significant others. I'd like to just go to a movie with my honey, or cook at home with him.. and I can't. However, he does a great job in staying positive and very reassuring that we can still 'share' these times together, we will be together soon, he doesn't want me to be sad and lonely, that he's there for me. The more I get to know him, I can see he's just a very good man. He's honest and kind, and he really does cherish me.

 

 

The long distance is a source of 'romance' for him that he seems to be very inspired by; I get it, I feel the same. It adds longing which is important. I just don't know if this CAN progress if the distance doesn't close. I know he has it in mind to get out here, and to get his ducks in a row and work, etc. But until that happens, its long distance. To me, it doesn't seem as 'serious' or 'long term' ONLY BECAUSE of the distance.

 

For me, its still too soon to even think about relocation. I'm very firm on not living together while dating (wish I had been so resolute when I was 19-27!!) So- I don't think there will be any relocation any time in the near future on my part at least.

 

I'm not sure why the financial stuff is so much in the back of my mind.

I guess to get very simple about it; he's spending lots of money on this vacation out here, but considering he was 'broke' when he came out last time other than what he did pay for, I'm guessing he won't be spending much on going out while here. I'm contributing to this trip in the ways that I can. I guess I just would rather go out to eat and do more activities than not. It seems like all his money is going to the plane tickets, hotels, etc and very little extra. I guess that is a concern. Why spend all the money if you don't have it? Geez, who am I to talk? I've done the same.

 

I guess my point is... I don't want to get totally involved with someone who is irresponsible with money, spending what he doesn't have, etc. That's all. I've been there before and its a very sore subject for me.

[lana-banana]

Merry Christmas, Venus! It sounds like you've been doing some serious thinking. I hope that thinking leads you towards insight and happiness.

 

But- what bothers me is that we can't share the day to day things that come along with being in a relationship...I'd like to just go to a movie with my honey, or cook at home with him.. and I can't.

 

This is why I'm not cut out for a long-distance relationship. Dating and going on dates is nice, but so much of a relationship involves little things like waiting in line together at the DMV, eating popcorn and watching Netflix in sweatpants, discovering the love of your life has some kind of ingrained allergy to putting socks in the hamper (it's RIGHT THERE for the love of God!). Perhaps when he comes to visit you can schedule a day of "down time" like that---staying in or just running little errands around town. That may also dovetail nicely into his need to save money.

 

I'm not sure why the financial stuff is so much in the back of my mind.

I guess to get very simple about it; he's spending lots of money on this vacation out here, but considering he was 'broke' when he came out last time other than what he did pay for, I'm guessing he won't be spending much on going out while here. I'm contributing to this trip in the ways that I can. I guess I just would rather go out to eat and do more activities than not. It seems like all his money is going to the plane tickets, hotels, etc and very little extra. I guess that is a concern. Why spend all the money if you don't have it?

 

I completely understand, but this seems to be a Catch-22: if he doesn't visit, you can't be together; if he visits, he can't afford to do the things you want to do together. What is he supposed to do? Without a clearer understanding of his finances I can't tell if he's struggling or stingy, and can't give advice. But you'll need to discuss it down the road as your relationship progresses. But you may be worried over nothing. Didn't he say he was going to "spoil" you this time after all?

 

Have a wonderful holiday. I'm up at the man's place in New England, cooking and baking and drinking with his family. It's my first Christmas away from my parents but that's how it goes in the long term.

[venusishername]

Merry Christmas, Venus! It sounds like you've been doing some serious thinking. I hope that thinking leads you towards insight and happiness.

This is why I'm not cut out for a long-distance relationship. Dating and going on dates is nice, but so much of a relationship involves little things like waiting in line together at the DMV, eating popcorn and watching Netflix in sweatpants, discovering the love of your life has some kind of ingrained allergy to putting socks in the hamper (it's RIGHT THERE for the love of God!). Perhaps when he comes to visit you can schedule a day of "down time" like that---staying in or just running little errands around town. That may also dovetail nicely into his need to save money.

I completely understand, but this seems to be a Catch-22: if he doesn't visit, you can't be together; if he visits, he can't afford to do the things you want to do together. What is he supposed to do? Without a clearer understanding of his finances I can't tell if he's struggling or stingy, and can't give advice. But you'll need to discuss it down the road as your relationship progresses. But you may be worried over nothing. Didn't he say he was going to "spoil" you this time after all?

 

Have a wonderful holiday. I'm up at the man's place in New England, cooking and baking and drinking with his family. It's my first Christmas away from my parents but that's how it goes in the long term.

 

Thank you, Merry Christmas to you too, yours sounds wonderful.

You are right, the long distance makes it difficult, especially now that we are SURE that we have deeper feelings... and I believe it is growing.

It's the day to day things that I am missing very much. Feeling real lonely this weekend. Next weekend will be much better because we will be together again.

 

After our last visit on Thanksgiving weekend, sometimes I find myself thinking that I'm not sure if it can sustain... because of the distance. It's not as if I have someone else in the wings or that I WANT to date other people, only that I don't want this, like this, forever. And I don't think it will be. I just wonder sometimes if I can keep my heart in it long enough to see that happen. Maybe I'm just experiencing fear and doubt. I hate to vocalize this, but sometimes I think I should just throw in the towel because.... well, I don't want to get hurt or disappointed. Some thoughts that go through my head are: 'what if I find out things about him that are deal breakers... maybe he's not what he seems, maybe he has been dishonest, maybe we aren't really compatible.'

Sometimes I feel because of the distance that my feelings rise and fall. Sometimes I doubt that my own feelings for him could be true. BUT - at the end of the day I find that I bring myself out of that spinning drain and think that I'm going to go with this and allow this to happen the way it will. I have nothing to lose; this relationship is enriching me and is a positive factor in my life. I find myself looking for something wrong, and so far nothing is coming up.. except for those 'yellow flags' I mentioned before.

The bottom line is, he really is a good man. He really does cherish me and respect me. He's made a lot of effort to pursue and nurture this relationship. I can't doubt him, even if I want to (I know that sounds so messed up). Sometimes I've thought that he can't POSSIBLY be sincere, but hey.. he is. And I only know that because he puts in time and effort into every day to make sure we communicate, and plan for the future, and to tell me and show me that he cares. He's become very protective and caring towards me. I know this sounds cliché, but he makes me feel really safe and secure, emotionally and physically. Gosh, what I've been wanting for so long!

He disarms me. This weekend, I'm sick, cranky and just feeling sorry for myself. PMS, bad cold, stuck at home contagious, when I'd rather be out socializing or hosting a dinner party or going to a movie with my boyfriend instead of feeling lonely. I didn't want him to see that dark side and I tried to conceal it as best I could by staying tight lipped, but my cold front surely came through. He sent me a joke meme and goofy pictures of himself throughout the day. He reassured me I had him there, and to not feel lonely. He called me FaceTime and I'm so sick I had no energy or voice to talk, but to see his face and to hear his voice instantly made all my bad feelings and doubts go away. I don't feel like I am a needy woman, but today I felt that I needed him the most. And- he is there. And that makes me feel fulfilled.

 

He doesn't have a lot of money, he may be rough around the edges, he doesn't come from the same background. He may not be able to financially support me if I wanted to be a stay home mom any time in the near future. (My dad asked me that question about his ability to financially support). If I'm real honest with myself... not that having children is any time soon, but I think if that were to happen, I'm SURE that he would do what he felt he should do as far as taking responsibility. He does have the same values that I do, sometimes I think maybe even more so. He's selfless, kind, generous, takes responsibility, is open, positive, and places a high value on work and family. From what I can tell he's also honest, which is the most important thing.

 

 

When we talked tonight, I could see how much he cares just in the way he looks at me and his consoling words. I can see that I bring out the protecting quality in him; he's demonstrated that he's a real big softie for me. Very loving. He makes me want to be a better version of myself, and he has said the same about me. I think that's a key of a real, substantial relationship. I can't say I've ever felt that way about any person I've been with before. You know how certain people make you feel more like a woman, or man? I guess its a matter of someone 'fulfilling' your conscious and subconscious needs, maybe a kind of innate connection. Something that can't be forced, something you can't search for in what you think your 'type' is. Something you can't create. It's there or its not.

 

I didn't share something a few weeks ago that I overheard that forever altered my mindset about love and relationships. I feel closer than ever to marriage and having my own family now; it didn't used to be something I thought of much... so this really hit me. The gist of what this man said, who has been married for 40 years was... 'I've loved many women, but my wife was the only one who ever loved me back.'

 

So that makes me realize, I have someone right now in front of me, who loves me, who wants me and who has been hell bent on pursuing a relationship with me from the very first night, without doubt, reservation, or fear. Maybe he did feel doubtful or fearful inside sometimes, but he didn't let that stop him. Since then, he's done everything in his power to tell me and show me that he is sincere and that he wants to be with me. He is making all the moves here to lead this forward. I am the one who is reserved and wants to hold back most times. But then I give in because I figure- why not? Even if I have doubts and fears, like what I mentioned earlier in the post.. I doubt my own feelings, I doubt my own worth, I don't TRUST my own feelings. I don't trust that this could be any different or more than it is now, which is long distance. But- I do trust him. I'm pretty damn certain he's going to make sure that distance is closed soon enough. He's not going to let me go easily. He doesn't WANT a long distance relationship. No one does. He isn't looking for a girl across the country to come sleep with when he's out here. He doesn't want someone in town that he could hook up with when he's visiting. He wants to be with me day in and day out, as often as possible, to do those every day things like watching the sunset, eating breakfast, watching a movie, talking about each others' days, preparing dinner together and eating at the table, exchanging Christmas gifts.

 

The fact that I have what I've been looking for in front of me, willing and available, interested, committed... I can't possibly run away from this. I don't know him completely, I don't know him day in and day out, face to face. It's been less than three months. We live far away from each other. But I can't give up on this. I can't pinpoint what exactly I am afraid of. Maybe that I will discover things about him that I don't like, or that I won't tolerate, or deal breakers. Maybe I fear by being with him I won't have all I think I deserve or should expect; maybe another man could offer me more 'things' or material comfort. Maybe he's not so responsible, or maybe he's in lots of debt, these are all things I don't know. That's what makes this hard. I can't see him day in and day out to really KNOW him. I mean, we likely talk more than a normal couple would who lives in the same town.

 

 

I think my last relationship made me feel this cautious because I was with him for so many years and he betrayed me completely, becoming a person I didn't even know. I just don't want to feel that way again. I want to trust this man and I think I can. He hasn't given me reason not to. What if I get more and more invested in this and he turns out to be just awful.

 

That's where my thoughts have been. Fun stuff. I'm getting nervous and excited to see him again. I know all of these doubts will go away when we are together. I already know he makes me feel better and more secure. I'll be just fine and I can handle it.

Edited December 27, 2015 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

You seem very torn. On the one hand...

 

You are right, the long distance makes it difficult, especially now that we are SURE that we have deeper feelings... and I believe it is growing.

 

and on the other...

 

I doubt my own feelings, I doubt my own worth, I don't TRUST my own feelings.

 

Which is it? I suppose it can be both from time to time; I'm just asking. A lot of your doubts and uncertainties sound normal (like if you discover certain things that are dealbreakers). There's no way to tell without spending more time together. If after a year things are still going strong I think you could start to consider moving closer together. I wouldn't recommend going any sooner unless you were both significantly more certain that you wanted a future together, and you aren't anywhere near that certain yet.

 

You will have to think seriously about your goals and what you want from your future. If marriage is your absolute number one priority above all else, this guy may be the way to go. If being a stay-at-home mother is number one, then he probably isn't.

 

The fact that I have what I've been looking for in front of me, willing and available, interested, committed... I can't possibly run away from this.

 

Based on the reasons you provided in your post, I agree you shouldn't run away either. But "willing and available, interested, committed..." is not enough for a happy, satisfying relationship. My last boyfriend was all of those things plus gorgeous and wealthy to boot. He was Mr. Right to all of my female friends. He just wasn't right for me. Don't discount your own feelings in the matter. Like the quote you shared suggested, it's not just about being loved, it's about being loved and loving in turn. If after a while you continue to have doubts about your own ability to have a happily ever after with this guy, you should reconsider. Until then you should see where it goes.

[venusishername]

You seem very torn. On the one hand...and on the other...

 

Which is it? I suppose it can be both from time to time; I'm just asking. A lot of your doubts and uncertainties sound normal (like if you discover certain things that are dealbreakers). There's no way to tell without spending more time together. If after a year things are still going strong I think you could start to consider moving closer together. I wouldn't recommend going any sooner unless you were both significantly more certain that you wanted a future together, and you aren't anywhere near that certain yet.

 

You will have to think seriously about your goals and what you want from your future. If marriage is your absolute number one priority above all else, this guy may be the way to go. If being a stay-at-home mother is number one, then he probably isn't.

 

Based on the reasons you provided in your post, I agree you shouldn't run away either. But "willing and available, interested, committed..." is not enough for a happy, satisfying relationship. My last boyfriend was all of those things plus gorgeous and wealthy to boot. He was Mr. Right to all of my female friends. He just wasn't right for me. Don't discount your own feelings in the matter. Like the quote you shared suggested, it's not just about being loved, it's about being loved and loving in turn. If after a while you continue to have doubts about your own ability to have a happily ever after with this guy, you should reconsider. Until then you should see where it goes.

 

Thanks, Lana.

I guess I am torn. I want to see where it goes, but I think the financial situation could be a sticking point. Maybe. It seems to have come up twice now, related to his visits to come see me! I'll explain later. I really have to give him an A+ for effort. I think it is too soon to make any decisions or make any long term plans. I am the one who is pacing this relationship, as it turns out. He's really on a mission, and I give him credit for his pursuit and efforts.

 

As to your question about thinking long and hard about my future: marriage is my number one priority. Being a stay at home mom is not, although I would like to have the OPTION to stay home with my new baby for 6 months, maybe 12 months. It's not a requirement. It would just be nice.

I'm not there yet. But marriage is the utmost important thing to me.

Hell, I don't know if he's even considering marriage again, seeing as he just got divorced not long ago and sounds like he's still got some ties with his ex wife. Maybe he's not interested in getting married again. I don't know because I never asked. I guess I should.

 

We were talking about preventing pregnancy during this upcoming visit the other day, and I point blank asked him again if he wanted more kids and he said yes, under the right circumstances (same as he said before).

He asked me again and I said yes, but it is not the most important thing to me right now; I wouldn't be opposed to it. But what he said next made it very clear how he feels: if I became pregnant, "we're having that baby". ! So- there we go. I really don't want to get knocked up without getting married. Anyway, we have that under control for now. It's good to know how strongly he feels about it.

 

I think you are right, there's no way to tell without spending more time together. I don't want to rule him out because he happened to maybe break his bank account in effort to spend quality time with me.

[venusishername]

Alright, after sleeping on it...I still need to spend more time with him to evaluate this issue.

 

 

Bottom line is: he can't afford to be coming out here to see me twice in 6 weeks. Since he can't afford it and he's maxxed out his credit card with all the bookings and reservations, he really shouldn't be spending the money. His money is not my business, and I certainly have been spendy with my money too in my life, living above my means occasionally. But its something I can't help but notice.

Now he isn't sure about the room he booked for us tomorrow night. I wouldn't be able to get there to meet him until very late anyway, this was his idea originally. We were originally going to just meet on NYE in the afternoon. I told him it's not necessary anyway to meet tomorrow and spend the extra money...I felt it was frivolous that he came out again so soon.

 

 

Here's my dilemma:

I'm grateful and happy that he's going to so much effort to see me and to be here. I guess you do crazy things sometimes when you're in love.

On the other hand... he overextended his finances and had to cancel the rental car, and now I'm not sure if we will be meeting tomorrow or the next day (hotel issue). He won't accept my help with the cost of the room. He said I can help with the cost of gas and maybe some food, otherwise don't worry.

This happened last time. He was broke after spending the money to get out here. Same thing again now. This is forgivable, of course... I can't be upset. But it's just something I can't help but notice.

 

 

I don't know if this is 'the norm' for him, being maxxed out and broke, or if its only because the holidays break everyone's bank and he's been out here on vacation two times in less than 2 months.

Should I cut him some slack and just enjoy it, or is this something I should really be paying attention to?

 

I'm evaluating whether or not he's husband material, guys.

I'll be honest, the fact that this is happening again is raising a red flag and I don't want to ignore my gut because it's always right on. And to be honest, it makes me not so dreamy about him as I used to be

NOT because he's not rich, but because he's been frivolous with money and now has to renege on the plans.

Edited December 29, 2015 by venusishername

[clia]

I'll be honest...I would be very turned off by a 42 (?) year old man who didn't have his financial ducks in a row enough for what you are describing.

 

I don't know all the details, but the trip in November was what, a flight, rental car, four or five nights in a hotel? (Or did he stay with you?). So, max on all that maybe $2,500, and even that's a high estimate, I think.

 

And now, same thing, I assume? So another $2,500 trip, max.

 

He doesn't have $5,000 in credit? (NOT that I'm saying he should just charge it...but that just seems really scary to me that his cards are that maxed out.) And he has no savings to pay for any of this? I find that alarming, but I am a huge saver.

 

I think you are right to be concerned, and I think it is irresponsible of him to make the trip if he can't afford it.

[venusishername]

I'll be honest...I would be very turned off by a 42 (?) year old man who didn't have his financial ducks in a row enough for what you are describing.

 

I don't know all the details, but the trip in November was what, a flight, rental car, four or five nights in a hotel? (Or did he stay with you?). So, max on all that maybe $2,500, and even that's a high estimate, I think.

And now, same thing, I assume? So another $2,500 trip, max.

He doesn't have $5,000 in credit? (NOT that I'm saying he should just charge it...but that just seems really scary to me that his cards are that maxed out.) And he has no savings to pay for any of this? I find that alarming, but I am a huge saver.

 

I think you are right to be concerned, and I think it is irresponsible of him to make the trip if he can't afford it.

 

I think your numbers are a really steep estimate. He paid for one night in a hotel last time and stayed with me the rest of the time. I know the flight is a couple hundred total. Did not rent a car this time or last.

 

This time all the nights in a hotel and flight for himself and son.

 

Ok, I'm going to just be straight to get your opinion: he said he had to use his card to book all these rooms and reservations, etc. When it came time to check in to one of the reservations he made, it was declined, but he was able to use it for another reservation instead. Now he's worried that this will happen when we try to check into our hotel.

I don't know squat about credit cards, but there's been times my debit card gets declined because I have too many pending purchases, or even if I go out of town.

 

I don't own a credit card and I'm over 30, so I'm not one to talk about credit limits or judge anyone else's use of credit cards. I'm guessing he uses his savings and is charging some of this trip. It seems to me that he IS being smart as he can about it to use cash whenever possible. That's what I try to do for my vacations. My trip broke my bank too, but I did it anyway ! I just was tight for the month after. So I can relate.

 

What bothers me is that he clearly can't comfortably afford these trips but he made them anyway. Double-edged sword. He's trying to be with me and wants to see me; this is the only way he really can, until I go there.

Also- just thinking out loud here... but I know he is a hard worker and isn't lazy. He's not rich but he can hold his own. Maybe he is just frivolous with money sometimes. I'm guilty of that myself.

I just need to be with someone reliable, financially too. That's all.

Edited December 29, 2015 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

I'm with Clia on all of the above. A 42-year-old who doesn't have 5k in credit is either A) a prepper awaiting the imminent collapse of our credit-based society and hoarding gold in the basement or B) not financially secure. No, he shouldn't be using money he doesn't have, but if he doesn't even have 5k in credit or the cash reserves to back it up then he's not in a sound place financially.

 

Ok, I'm going to just be straight to get your opinion: he said he had to use his card to book all these rooms and reservations, etc. When it came time to check in to one of the reservations he made, it was declined, but he was able to use it for another reservation instead. Now he's worried that this will happen when we try to check into our hotel.

I don't know squat about credit cards, but there's been times my debit card gets declined because I have too many pending purchases, or even if I go out of town.

 

Like you said, this happens sometimes. It's hard to tell. But combined with the other things you've said it does not look good. I have no doubt this is a reliable, hard-working, loving and dependable guy, but he doesn't seem to be in a stable position.

 

I don't own a credit card and I'm over 30

 

Can I ask why? A credit history is crucial in this economy. Having good credit and using it responsibly is an essential part of being an adult in the financial sector. I've had credit cards since I was 21 (I'm 29 now) and never once carried a balance or missed a payment. I've never paid interest. Do you plan to pay for a house with cash?

[Teknoe]

Can I ask why? A credit history is crucial in this economy. Having good credit and using it responsibly is an essential part of being an adult in the financial sector. I've had credit cards since I was 21 (I'm 29 now) and never once carried a balance or missed a payment. I've never paid interest. Do you plan to pay for a house with cash?

 

I am also curious to know why. Everyone I know got a credit card in their early 20s. I also got mine at 21. In fact it wasn't until 2013 that I got a second credit card because my brother told me in order to buy a condo or a house you need good credit on at least two separate credit cards. I believe he said something to the effect of it proves to the bank or whoever that you can be financially responsible and thus be an eligible candidate.

 

I would advise you to open two credit card accounts ASAP.

[venusishername]

I'm with Clia on all of the above. A 42-year-old who doesn't have 5k in credit is either A) a prepper awaiting the imminent collapse of our credit-based society and hoarding gold in the basement or B) not financially secure. No, he shouldn't be using money he doesn't have, but if he doesn't even have 5k in credit or the cash reserves to back it up then he's not in a sound place financially.

 

 

Like you said, this happens sometimes. It's hard to tell. But combined with the other things you've said it does not look good. I have no doubt this is a reliable, hard-working, loving and dependable guy, but he doesn't seem to be in a stable position.

 

 

Can I ask why? A credit history is crucial in this economy. Having good credit and using it responsibly is an essential part of being an adult in the financial sector. I've had credit cards since I was 21 (I'm 29 now) and never once carried a balance or missed a payment. I've never paid interest. Do you plan to pay for a house with cash?

 

 

I'll answer your question, Lana, but this is not about me and I'm not asking for advice about my own credit line (see Teknoe's comment below).

 

 

 

I have an established credit with my student loan that I pay off monthly. I have a good credit history because of that.

I know it's not the 'norm', but I don't plan to buy property, at least not on my own. I figure I'm going to rent until I'm married and combine my income.

The cost of living is so outrageously exorbitant where I live; the thought of buying is WAY out of my league right now. All of my friends (except one couple), who have much higher incomes than I do, all still rent. The rent is outrageous too.

 

 

As for my guy... I agree, he doesn't appear to be totally financially secure. I knew he wasn't well off, not like what I am used to in my background. I was privileged, maybe I expect more than others.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for this trip; I talked to my dad about it because he will be meeting him this weekend... and my dad's advice was to give him a little slack for this time, people do crazy things when they're in love, like spend money they can't afford to.

 

 

I have no trouble talking to him about my concerns, about what I'm looking for in a long term partner. While he may be kind, respectful, loving, honest, and a stand up guy, which are all very important qualities... the financial responsibility is something very important too. Maybe I can't have it all.

[lana-banana]

I realize this isn't about you, but it might behoove you to see a financial adviser as soon as possible. Debit cards don't benefit anyone but the bank. You've said you're well-off and were raised privileged, but if you can't afford to buy a place and don't know any homeowners your own age "well-off" is probably not in line with how most people define the term. And that may influence how you understand this guy.

 

A credit limit of 5k is essentially nothing. That is a number for a first-time credit user (as a matter of fact, my first credit card had a 5k limit), someone with terrible payment history or an extremely limited income. If he is maxing that out without living beyond his means then his paycheck is even smaller than you realize. It worries me that a man his age doesn't have a larger checking account, not to mention emergency savings, mutual funds, etc.

 

Mind you, I don't question this guy's compassion, love, decency and dedication. He really does seem great, albeit moving a bit quickly. He sounds like an amazing guy. I especially like how he's gone so far to move you out of your shell and love more openly. I'm rooting for you both. It's just that a future with him would lean more towards a city hall wedding and cubic zirconium rather than dance halls and diamonds, and it doesn't sound like he could afford for you to stay home without an income for any length of time.

[clia]

I think your numbers are a really steep estimate. He paid for one night in a hotel last time and stayed with me the rest of the time. I know the flight is a couple hundred total. Did not rent a car this time or last.

 

Wow, that's a really cheap trip. Under $500. And you mentioned you two didn't go out much.

 

This time all the nights in a hotel and flight for himself and son.

 

So under $2,000? ( Depending on number of nights and how nice of a hotel.)

 

That's almost even worse because we aren't talking super expensive trips.

 

Ok, I'm going to just be straight to get your opinion: he said he had to use his card to book all these rooms and reservations, etc. When it came time to check in to one of the reservations he made, it was declined, but he was able to use it for another reservation instead. Now he's worried that this will happen when we try to check into our hotel.

I don't know squat about credit cards, but there's been times my debit card gets declined because I have too many pending purchases, or even if I go out of town.

 

As far as I know, you only get declined if you have maxed it out, behind on payments, or if fraud is suspected. That suspected fraud decline has happened to me before when I've traveled. But I've always known that was the likely issue (because I wasn't maxed out) and all it takes is a quick phone call to resolve. It's nothing to worry about. You can even call them in advance to let them know you will be traveling to eliminate the hassle.

 

I don't own a credit card and I'm over 30, so I'm not one to talk about credit limits or judge anyone else's use of credit cards. I'm guessing he uses his savings and is charging some of this trip. It seems to me that he IS being smart as he can about it to use cash whenever possible. That's what I try to do for my vacations. My trip broke my bank too, but I did it anyway ! I just was tight for the month after. So I can relate.

 

But you don't know for sure that he's doing this, do you?

 

What bothers me is that he clearly can't comfortably afford these trips but he made them anyway. Double-edged sword. He's trying to be with me and wants to see me; this is the only way he really can, until I go there.

Also- just thinking out loud here... but I know he is a hard worker and isn't lazy. He's not rich but he can hold his own. Maybe he is just frivolous with money sometimes. I'm guilty of that myself.

I just need to be with someone reliable, financially too. That's all.

 

I get it. I think it's worth discussing during his visit.

[GildedLily]

I'll answer your question, Lana, but this is not about me and I'm not asking for advice about my own credit line (see Teknoe's comment below).

 

 

 

I have an established credit with my student loan that I pay off monthly. I have a good credit history because of that.

I know it's not the 'norm', but I don't plan to buy property, at least not on my own. I figure I'm going to rent until I'm married and combine my income.

The cost of living is so outrageously exorbitant where I live; the thought of buying is WAY out of my league right now. All of my friends (except one couple), who have much higher incomes than I do, all still rent. The rent is outrageous too.

 

 

As for my guy... I agree, he doesn't appear to be totally financially secure. I knew he wasn't well off, not like what I am used to in my background. I was privileged, maybe I expect more than others.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for this trip; I talked to my dad about it because he will be meeting him this weekend... and my dad's advice was to give him a little slack for this time, people do crazy things when they're in love, like spend money they can't afford to.

 

 

I have no trouble talking to him about my concerns, about what I'm looking for in a long term partner. While he may be kind, respectful, loving, honest, and a stand up guy, which are all very important qualities... the financial responsibility is something very important too. Maybe I can't have it all.

 

This is not meant to be a snarky question at all, I'm just wanting to get a clearer picture of the disparity of financial/ social class between you. From what you are describing; you had student loans and aren't really in a space where you can purchase a home on your own, that is very similar to where I was prior to marriage. I have a degree and a profession, I considered myself lower middle class, but not privileged. So by your description; this guy is what? I'm asking this because I believe this financial issue is a bigger deal than you might be ready to recognize, which I wholeheartedly understand and don't judge you for.

 

One thing to keep in mind, although he may want more children, the lion's share of his income and savings will go to his existing children and you may have little to no say in the matter. Given this, it could mean lean times for you and he should you have a child. Although if you are in a profession where you can be the bread winner ( perhaps one that earns you over 100 k a year) his finances may not matter as much. Below is a link to the income classes;

 

Here is a link to a guide;Where Do You Fall in the American Economic Class System? - US News

Edited December 30, 2015 by GildedLily