When it rains it pours

[Eighty_nine]

It's just that a future with him would lean more towards a city hall wedding and cubic zirconium rather than dance halls and diamonds, and it doesn't sound like he could afford for you to stay home without an income for any length of time.

 

Honestly, dance halls and diamonds are overrated. Mutual funds too, probably. I have them, and I have the means for all that stuff if I really wanted it, but i choose experiences over things. Having money is something society values, not necessarily an organic value of most individuals. It seems a predetermined American standard to use income = quality of life, and it's really a myth. I'd worry a lot less about his money, Venus, if everything else feels right. It's smart to buy a modest house, so you might eventually have to consider relocating a bit to somewhere more affordable. I'm guessing you're in coastal Southern California.

 

It just sort of bums me out, all this talk of money as it relates to love and happiness. My salary is modest, but I have several side projects that significantly supplement my income. And still, I cant understand the appeal of a fancy wedding, diamonds, big house in the suburbs, huge credit limit, etc. Really be introspective about this, Venus. I think everyone at one point in their life realizes none of that kind of thing really matters.

Edited December 30, 2015 by lissvarna

[GildedLily]

All due respect; We are responding to Venus's stated concern over finances. Those things you listed that are important to you, are just that; important to YOU. Be careful not to assume what you value is what others value. Further, I am not hearing that Venus is wanting a lavish life; rather she wants a life were there is at least a bit of a cushion so that they are not living paycheck to paycheck. As you, yourself said, you could afford all these things, you choose not to. This is quite different than not having the means to have the luxury of this choice.

[venusishername]

I realize this isn't about you, but it might behoove you to see a financial adviser as soon as possible. Debit cards don't benefit anyone but the bank. You've said you're well-off and were raised privileged, but if you can't afford to buy a place and don't know any homeowners your own age "well-off" is probably not in line with how most people define the term. And that may influence how you understand this guy.

Ok, thanks for what you said. I am not personally 'well off', I just meant that I was raised in an upper middle class family in the top 5 most expensive cities to live in the US. But I don't make that much money. I'm comfortable, but I'm certainly not 'well off' the way you might describe it. I don't think I am anywhere near 'well off'.

 

 

Let's put it this way to put in perspective. I personally could not afford to come out across the country like he has twice in 6 weeks. No way. I do have some savings, but not a whole lot that I would want to dip into anyway. It would take me at least a month or two to have the spending money to take a 5 day vacation and have a little left over so I didn't come out broke. And I don't even have a credit card so that means it's coming directly out of my bank. I would guess that these two trips would cost less than $2000. That's about the same as my rent, and I couldn't afford to spend that much over the holidays. Yikes!

I knew he didn't make a whole lot of money, but I saw that he lived fairly comfortably and had a decent car and a decent house, and was employed and motivated. So maybe this is just because he's been overspending on these trips. Maybe he's not like this day in and day out and I should cut him some slack.

 

He's already told me that our room is taken care of tomorrow night and that he can't wait to see me. I already know we're not going to be going out much on his dime. If I want to go out to eat and he doesn't, or whatever, I can take care of that once or twice. That's fine with me.

 

Anyway, this has been on my mind all day. It made me less excited to see him, to be honest... to think we may have to change the plans. But- what I see is... that he's taking care of business, he was honest with me... we will be chatting tonight after I get off the computer.

On top of it, tonight I got home to find a card from him in my mailbox that he had mailed before Christmas that finally got here. It was a really sweet and sappy card and he enclosed a little vial of perfume. I mean... this guy's heart is in the right place all the way. It's almost hard to NOT keep falling for him. Whenever I have a little doubt, or concern, like this... he does something or says something that makes me feel completely at ease. But- I'm keeping my eyes open.

 

As you mentioned I do, how would you even suggest that I approach this topic while we are on our trip?!! What would you say to start that conversation?? Is it really any of my business so soon?? We just slept together a month ago and have only known each other for three. He's not asking me to marry him.

My cousin, who is about my age married a guy in his mid-thirties. He's a butcher and he doesn't make much money and her parents weren't thrilled. But they are the happiest couple I know and I'm sure they'll be married forever. My other cousin married an eccentric millionaire. They don't even live in the same house because he puts her up in her own.

Hmm. I guess I have to think about what qualities he DOES have compared to his shortcomings. I think he's a really good man so far.

 

Anyway, I know it will be a nice romantic time with him either way. He's not going to be wining and dining me this trip but he's taking care of our accommodations and would literally bend over backward to make sure I'm comfortable and happy.

 

I read some of the more recent posts too. I'm not after a lavish lifestyle, although that would be nice. I don't want to get further involved with a guy who's broke and can't afford the every day things, nights out sometimes, and a vacation or two a year, with some savings. I have those things for myself... I'm looking for the same in my partner.

[lana-banana]

Honestly, dance halls and diamonds are overrated. Mutual funds too, probably. I have them, and I have the means for all that stuff if I really wanted it, but i choose experiences over things. Having money is something society values, not necessarily an organic value of most individuals. It seems a predetermined American standard to use income = quality of life, and it's really a myth. I'd worry a lot less about his money, Venus, if everything else feels right. It's smart to buy a modest house, so you might eventually have to consider relocating a bit to somewhere more affordable. I'm guessing you're in coastal Southern California.

 

It just sort of bums me out, all this talk of money as it relates to love and happiness. My salary is modest, but I have several side projects that significantly supplement my income. And still, I cant understand the appeal of a fancy wedding, diamonds, big house in the suburbs, huge credit limit, etc. Really be introspective about this, Venus. I think everyone at one point in their life realizes none of that kind of thing really matters.

 

I could not agree more (except for the part about mutual funds). Money is not an indicator of happiness in a relationship, especially when you reach the point where both parties are comfortable and have disposable income. And one of the most rewarding aspects of this thread as of late has been watching Venus realize that so many of these things really don't matter, at all.

 

(I specifically used the example about weddings because my boyfriend and I are discussing it and, well, they're super expensive. We are both in good positions but have decided we don't even want a ceremony because that doesn't matter to us. But Venus has tended more towards romantic and dreamy ideals, and wedding planning is a goos test of anyone's ideals, not to mention sanity. But I digress.)

 

One overarching theme of this thread has been a Greek chorus urging Venus to be realistic---about her situation, her potential boyfriends, her goals, and so on. If one of Venus's goals is to be a stay-at-home mother, be wined and dined and have the disposable income her friends enjoy, that is not a realistic aspiration with a partner who regularly maxes out his credit card. And while money is no sign of happiness in relationships, it can contribute significantly to stress and frustration between partners. No, wealth isn't important, but routinely maxing out one's credit card and not having ample cash reserves is.

 

I think this current situation provides a great opportunity to talk about finances. You can simply say "hey, I'm sorry about the rental car. Is there anything I can do to help?" and use that as a springboard to discuss finances more generally. This guy has been so open with you already and I'm sure he would be willing to tell you everything. Be compassionate and understanding and don't be afraid to ask questions.

[venusishername]

I could not agree more (except for the part about mutual funds). Money is not an indicator of happiness in a relationship, especially when you reach the point where both parties are comfortable and have disposable income. And one of the most rewarding aspects of this thread as of late has been watching Venus realize that so many of these things really don't matter, at all.

 

(I specifically used the example about weddings because my boyfriend and I are discussing it and, well, they're super expensive. We are both in good positions but have decided we don't even want a ceremony because that doesn't matter to us. But Venus has tended more towards romantic and dreamy ideals, and wedding planning is a goos test of anyone's ideals, not to mention sanity. But I digress.)

 

One overarching theme of this thread has been a Greek chorus urging Venus to be realistic---about her situation, her potential boyfriends, her goals, and so on. If one of Venus's goals is to be a stay-at-home mother, be wined and dined and have the disposable income her friends enjoy, that is not a realistic aspiration with a partner who regularly maxes out his credit card. And while money is no sign of happiness in relationships, it can contribute significantly to stress and frustration between partners. No, wealth isn't important, but routinely maxing out one's credit card and not having ample cash reserves is.

 

I think this current situation provides a great opportunity to talk about finances. You can simply say "hey, I'm sorry about the rental car. Is there anything I can do to help?" and use that as a springboard to discuss finances more generally. This guy has been so open with you already and I'm sure he would be willing to tell you everything. Be compassionate and understanding and don't be afraid to ask questions.

 

Thanks, Lana. I don't think money equates happiness. What you said above really nails it on the head though. I want a nice wedding, and I know my parents would be contributing to that if that day ever comes. And yes, I want a diamond ring and a secure and stable income, whether it be joint or singular. I'm not going to budge on those things.

 

 

I can't seem to shake this though, maybe I'm letting me bother me too much unnecessarily. It seems as if he's broke now on this trip. I don't know all the details but I'll find out. I'm supposed to go drive to meet him later today, but I'm almost tempted to just postpone it to tomorrow because neither one of us can really afford to spend another night in a hotel, especially if I'm not getting up there until really late anyway. I hate to burst his bubble though. I also think it's not my place to be concerned with the state of his finances, unless it is directly affecting me.

 

On that note, here's my bottom line concern: if he's broke, who's going to be paying for his way on this trip? Is he hoping that I'm going to be footing the costs? Last time he was here, he stayed with me, I drove, and cooked at home. There were a couple occasions that we went out and he paid but that was the exception.

I think it's totally fair and reasonable for me to help contribute to the cost of a night in a hotel by picking up a couple meals and some gas.

 

My last relationship ended up with complete resentment on my part towards my ex. He had started asking me to borrow money. He paid me back, but I found myself consistently loaning him money. It didn't last long. I broke up with him quickly after that. We CONSTANTLY fought over money. But he was lazy and entitled and had a drinking problem. I think he felt he SHOULD be able to rely on me for 'help'. We also lived together, which I'll never do again with someone I'm just dating.

 

Maybe this guy, (let's call him R) is nothing like my ex, and I should keep an open mind about this money situation. Like I said, I would be broke too if I took two 5 day vacations in 6 weeks. He's not working during the time he is on vacation. There is no income coming in.

What bothers me is that if he's broke but relying on other people (like me) to take care of him. I don't know if that's the case.

 

I'm getting so worried about it I'm almost tempted to call it off for tonight and just go tomorrow. I'm also totally overwhelmed by being surrounded by his entire family the whole time and meeting his son too.

 

I don't mean to be a princess either, and I already knew that this trip would be a family affair and not about me. We're not going out for NYE. It will just be at his family's house. I think it's going to be up to me to initiate doing other things if I want to.

 

I'm getting thrown in to what it will be like with him if I continue. He's a package deal with his kids and his big family. That's great, but also overwhelming for me.

I see now that he's got some issues with money. I don't think he can continue to come out here and visit me, any time soon. Here's the thing: I know he hasn't been working on his big contracts for the past month. That's stable and good money when it's happening. Otherwise he has side projects and some income but it's not much, I'm sure.

 

Anyway. Those are my concerns. I will see how the time goes this time and will be open with him. I already know he's going to be honest with me.

Edited December 30, 2015 by venusishername

[losangelena]

Hey Venus,

 

Couple of things I wanted to reply to here:

 

On that note, here's my bottom line concern: if he's broke, who's going to be paying for his way on this trip? Is he hoping that I'm going to be footing the costs? ... My last relationship ended up with complete resentment on my part towards my ex ... Maybe this guy, (let's call him R) is nothing like my ex, and I should keep an open mind about this money situation ... What bothers me is that if he's broke but relying on other people (like me) to take care of him. I don't know if that's the case.

 

Then I think you need to talk to him about this as soon as possible; money is a huge sticking point in relationships.

 

In my opinion, you're too new of a couple for him to expect you to foot the cost of his trips (beyond contributing to gas/food/what have you). If he can't afford it, he shouldn't be trying to see you so often. I get that you want to make contact and be together and try to get your relationship off the ground, but there's nothing romantic about stressing over money.

 

If anything, his behavior hints at a lack of pragmatism that I'd find troubling. His visiting you when he can't really afford it puts a burden on you that isn't your responsibility, by making his financial problem yours—it's a boundary issue. It's great for you to contribute and show a level of investment, and you should, but bottom line, he should still be able to cover the entire cost of the trip on his own, regardless of how much you put in. For instance, I bought a ticket to Portland to see friends in February. Sure, I'm hoping to be able to stay with them, but I would not make the trip if I somehow couldn't afford a couple of nights in an AirBnB if I needed to do that—you know what I mean? For him to say, "I can't really afford it, but oh well I want to see you so, by golly, I'm gonna come visit you anyway," is a problem.

 

Furthermore, if you're afraid that you may get resentful, then you need to have a conversation about this. Resentment is a sure sign of a boundary violation.

 

I'm getting so worried about it I'm almost tempted to call it off for tonight and just go tomorrow. I'm also totally overwhelmed by being surrounded by his entire family the whole time and meeting his son too.

 

Again, to me this all seems to be too much too soon. I get the feeling that you're just going along with his ideas because you want to make things easier on him. Remind me—how many times have you seen him now? How much time have you actually spent together? It seems a bit early to be meeting all these people in his life. You're feeling overwhelmed because it is overwhelming. That's an internal cue you need to listen to. Do you really want to be moving at this speed, or are you going with the flow because it's easier?

 

I see now that he's got some issues with money. I don't think he can continue to come out here and visit me, any time soon.

 

If that's the case, are you going to be OK with a relationship that takes place largely over Skype/FaceTime/phone calls? That's the reality of a lot of LDRs.

[venusishername]

Hey Venus, Couple of things I wanted to reply to here:

 

I couldn't 'quote' your quote, but thank you, yes you are absolutely right in what you said about it being a 'boundary' issue.

In my opinion, you're too new of a couple for him to expect you to foot the cost of his trips (beyond contributing to gas/food/what have you). If he can't afford it, he shouldn't be trying to see you so often.

 

I think you are right, and he doesn't seem to be expecting me to do that.

 

For him to say, "I can't really afford it, but oh well I want to see you so, by golly, I'm gonna come visit you anyway," is a problem.

 

Yes, I think so too. I thought it was 'crazy' as my girlfriend put it too that he came out twice in less than 2 months. I'm guessing this might be the last time he comes here for awhile. I was planning to go visit him in February. On that note... for MY planned trip.. to touch on what you said about your trip...

I need to save up a bit for a month or two to be able to comfortably afford my plane ticket, going out, eating out, etc. I am intending to stay at his house, he'll be driving, etc. but I'm going out there with some spending money. If I didn't have that covered, I wouldn't go, of course.

The past two times he's been here, he's "broke" as he puts it, but this time he reassures that all accommodations are covered.

It doesn't worry me so much that he doesn't have a whole lot of money, it worries me that he's spending the money he can't afford to.

 

Furthermore, if you're afraid that you may get resentful, then you need to have a conversation about this. Resentment is a sure sign of a boundary violation.

 

Absolutely. Like I said, I am not sure it's my place yet to voice my opinion about his finances. I mean, it wouldn't be his place to say anything about mine. You know?

 

Again, to me this all seems to be too much too soon. I get the feeling that you're just going along with his ideas because you want to make things easier on him. Remind me—how many times have you seen him now? How much time have you actually spent together? It seems a bit early to be meeting all these people in his life. You're feeling overwhelmed because it is overwhelming. That's an internal cue you need to listen to. Do you really want to be moving at this speed, or are you going with the flow because it's easier?

 

I'm going with the flow because I'm trying to open up and be receptive and available. It is overwhelming, but I don't feel UNCOMFORTABLE OR PRESSURED. It seems a lot so soon to me too. But then again, he's such an open and giving person with solid family values, so I feel this is the 'norm' for him and it's maybe a good thing for me to open up.

 

We met three months ago, have communicated every single day since then, and have spent about a week total in person, excepting this upcoming visit, so it will be under 2 weeks total face to face. I figure talking for upwards of 45 minutes almost every day accounts for a lot of 'getting to know' and getting closer.

 

are you going to be OK with a relationship that takes place largely over Skype/FaceTime/phone calls? That's the reality of a lot of LDRs.

 

No, not in the long term. That's why I've only been able to take this relationship one month at a time. I don't have expectations of it lasting long term until I spend more time with him on these visits.

 

My understanding is that he hopes to find work out here and make a move, not immediately but 'slowly', meaning in the near future.

[Eighty_nine]

All due respect; We are responding to Venus's stated concern over finances. Those things you listed that are important to you, are just that; important to YOU. Be careful not to assume what you value is what others value. Further, I am not hearing that Venus is wanting a lavish life; rather she wants a life were there is at least a bit of a cushion so that they are not living paycheck to paycheck. As you, yourself said, you could afford all these things, you choose not to. This is quite different than not having the means to have the luxury of this choice.

 

What I was trying to convey is I believe many people care about things like expensive weddings, big houses, and nice diamonds because these are (unfortunately) American cultural values. I think if people were more introspective about it, many would realize these things aren't personally very important to them. But yes, my own opinions come through strongly about this because I think our society is misguided in this way. Especially because I have done a lot of traveling... these norms are very uncommon in much of the world.

 

Anyway........ after reading your last few posts, Venus, I think you are worrying much too much about this, being unfairly harsh on the guy.

LosAngelena mentioned that his actions do reflect a lack of forethought, and I agree with that. The only thing is that infatuation a lot of times can make people behave in a way that's not usual for them. Meaning, if he's really taken by you and really wants to get to know you more, maybe he made an unusual irresponsible financial decision because of it. It's OK to do that stuff occasionally. If it's a regular thing, then it's a problem. The only way you'll find this out is with time.

 

In terms of him not being able to wine and dine you, this is where I think you're being really unfair. He flew more than halfway across the country to see you. That's plenty of money. If you lived in New Orleans, plane ticket money would equate to several nice date nights. I don't know. I'd personally feel very grateful and happy that he made the effort to come see me, that I wouldn't mind that stuff. For myself, besides gifts for bdays etc and occasional nights out, I have never felt comfortable with a man I was dating spending money on me. So from my point of view, you're evaluating him unfairly.

 

I mean, you're either comfortable with a guy with a lower income (who is financially responsible with the money he does make-- i totally agree on that end) or you're not. Maybe instead of directing your stress toward him (likw by not seeing him tonight), you need to figure out how you feel about this issue. I get the feeling you are torn.

Edited December 30, 2015 by lissvarna

[venusishername]

Anyway........ after reading your last few posts, Venus, I think you are worrying much too much about this, being unfairly harsh on the guy.

LosAngelena mentioned that his actions do reflect a lack of forethought, and I agree with that. The only thing is that infatuation a lot of times can make people behave in a way that's not usual for them. Meaning, if he's really taken by you and really wants to get to know you more, maybe he made an unusual irresponsible financial decision because of it. It's OK to do that stuff occasionally. If it's a regular thing, then it's a problem. The only way you'll find this out is with time..

 

Thanks. I think I may be unfairly worrying about it too.

 

That's exactly what my dad said too about him being 'in love'. When you're in love, you do foolish things sometimes. Lord knows I have in my life. Things that I look back on and go 'wtf?'!

 

In terms of him not being able to wine and dine you, this is where I think you're being really unfair. He flew more than halfway across the country to see you. That's plenty of money. If you lived in New Orleans, plane ticket money would equate to several nice date nights. I don't know. I'd personally feel very grateful and happy that he made the effort to come see me, that I wouldn't mind that stuff. For myself, besides gifts for bdays etc and occasional nights out, I have never felt comfortable with a man I was dating spending money on me. So from my point of view, you're evaluating him unfairly.

 

I agree, it's several hundred dollars each trip... you are right. Of course if we lived in the same city we'd be going out on dates like that and plane fare and hotels wouldn't be an issue. Thanks for your point of view.

The men I've dated have always spent money on me, going out. I don't feel uncomfortable with it, I guess it's the 'norm' for me. If I'm in a long term relationship, I chip in to the cost and/or treat occasionally. I guess we differ in that respect.

 

I mean, you're either comfortable with a guy with a lower income (who is financially responsible with the money he does make-- i totally agree on that end) or you're not. Maybe instead of directing your stress toward him (likw by not seeing him tonight), you need to figure out how you feel about this issue. I get the feeling you are torn.

I am torn. I see that he has a lower end income, and that doesn't bother me too much. But he has shown me that he's not financially responsible by coming here twice without being able to afford it. I think that's why I am torn, because he's a great man who adores me, and he'd bend over backward to make me feel comfortable and secure.

My very first long term boyfriend didn't make much money. But he was pretty dang responsible with money and we went out often and did a lot of things together that required money. I can't remember ever once fighting with him about money, and I never felt I was holding his weight. The reason I am torn is because I don't want to be in the position where I feel I am carrying my man's weight, or his burden becomes mine. I can see that maybe with R that could be an issue, even with this upcoming visit.

[losangelena]

I am torn. I see that he has a lower end income, and that doesn't bother me too much. But he has shown me that he's not financially responsible by coming here twice without being able to afford it. I think that's why I am torn, because he's a great man who adores me, and he'd bend over backward to make me feel comfortable and secure.

My very first long term boyfriend didn't make much money. But he was pretty dang responsible with money and we went out often and did a lot of things together that required money. I can't remember ever once fighting with him about money, and I never felt I was holding his weight. The reason I am torn is because I don't want to be in the position where I feel I am carrying my man's weight, or his burden becomes mine. I can see that maybe with R that could be an issue, even with this upcoming visit

 

Yep. I think this is the central issue. It's not about, "can he take me out in the way I am accustom," and more about, "can this guy hold his own?" In my mind, it may be too early to have a big talk about it, but it is not too early to be wondering about it.

[Eighty_nine]

But he has shown me that he's not financially responsible by coming here twice without being able to afford it

 

See, I don't necessarily agree. I don't think making those trips so close to one another is a financially responsible move. But you agreed that people in love or infatuation generally act irrationally. I don't think this is enough to assume he's in general bad with money.

[venusishername]

I thought about this on my walk earlier.

Losangelena is right on, that is my main concern.

For example, if he's claiming he's 'broke' on this trip, to me that means he's not able to pay for anything else. Who's gonna pay for that? Honestly, I'm thinking of just giving him some cash to cover one night in the hotel and just worry about my own food if I have to. I'm covering the gas. It really bothers me (and I can't help it) if he would depend on me or other people to do that. I realize he's spent hundreds to come out here and book our rooms. I can certainly contribute where I can, like in gas, and bringing some snacks, etc., picking up dinner, etc. That's fine. It's just not good if he's mooching. That's my number one deal breaker. I hope this makes sense.

 

 

On the other hand, Lissvarna is also right; that it may be unfair to make any generalization based on these two trips.

 

 

I think I'm causing this unnecessary stress on myself because I really am overwhelmed with the thought of being completely absorbed in his entire big family and meeting his son. He and I won't have our alone time unless we steal away on this trip. It's just a lot.

[clia]

I thought about this on my walk earlier.

Losangelena is right on, that is my main concern.

For example, if he's claiming he's 'broke' on this trip, to me that means he's not able to pay for anything else. Who's gonna pay for that? Honestly, I'm thinking of just giving him some cash to cover one night in the hotel and just worry about my own food if I have to. I'm covering the gas. It really bothers me (and I can't help it) if he would depend on me or other people to do that. I realize he's spent hundreds to come out here and book our rooms. I can certainly contribute where I can, like in gas, and bringing some snacks, etc., picking up dinner, etc. That's fine. It's just not good if he's mooching. That's my number one deal breaker. I hope this makes sense.

 

I don't like that he stayed with you, let you drive him around and cook for him on the last visit, but couldn't take you out on a date. (?) it's fine to do that in a more established relationship, but your relationship is new. He should be taking you out on dates when he sees you. It doesn't have to be expensive...but something. Instead it almost sounds like he's treating the relationship as much more settled and comfortable than it is at this point.

 

On the other hand, Lissvarna is also right; that it may be unfair to make any generalization based on these two trips.

 

I agree with this, too. The distance and travel costs makes things more gray. But I think you are right to be noticing all of this.

 

I think I'm causing this unnecessary stress on myself because I really am overwhelmed with the thought of being completely absorbed in his entire big family and meeting his son. He and I won't have our alone time unless we steal away on this trip. It's just a lot.

 

I don't blame you for feeling that way. In my opinion, it doesn't sound like a fun way to spend New Year's and definitely not something for a brand new girlfriend. Hopefully he has some alone time planned for the two of you. How old is his son?

[venusishername]

I don't like that he stayed with you, let you drive him around and cook for him on the last visit, but couldn't take you out on a date. (?) it's fine to do that in a more established relationship, but your relationship is new. He should be taking you out on dates when he sees you. It doesn't have to be expensive...but something. Instead it almost sounds like he's treating the relationship as much more settled and comfortable than it is at this point.

 

I don't blame you for feeling that way. In my opinion, it doesn't sound like a fun way to spend New Year's and definitely not something for a brand new girlfriend. Hopefully he has some alone time planned for the two of you. How old is his son?

 

 

I don't know.. he did take me out on a date while he was here. I think brunch counts, coffee dates counts. He didn't take me on a fancy date like I'm used to, I guess. I think you may be too critical, but I see what you mean by he's treating it as more settled and comfortable than it is. That goes for me hanging out with the whole family this weekend too. That's treating it as more settled and comfortable than it is to me too.

But- is that really such a terrible thing?! I could think of far worse things.

 

Trust me. I'm not thrilled about not going out on NYE and being with a whole bunch of people I don't know. On the other hand, I have a lot more control over this situation than I realize and I don't have to do anything I don't want to, and if I want to do something, I can do it because I've got the wheels.

His son is under 21.

[venusishername]

Just wanted to update.

I dropped him off at the airport tonight after spending 4 nights together.

 

 

Despite all of my previous doubts, despite all my concerns or anxieties... I am now 100% sure on my end that I want to dedicate my heart and my time to this relationship.

Maybe I'm caught up in hormones or the rush of the recent time together, but to see him with his son and his family sealed the deal for me.

Maybe there are locational differences (for now). He may not make a lot of money. He may have been frivolous to spend all this money twice in 6 weeks to see me and bottomed out his bank account this time out of pure infatuation and rash decisions. But I know for certain, I have no doubt that the values I am looking for are aligned 100%, and as of this moment... that's all I need to know.

He is a very good father. I could see that first-hand while he was here with his son. He is caring, loving, and genuine. He made the time to meet my father and was so humble and appreciative of his time. He cares deeply about his family, work ethic, and responsibility. He's true to his word; I trust him. He never has made me wonder or want for anything. Never. It's never faltered. He's even stepped it up!

I know it's silly, but little things like holding the door open for me or putting on my coat, asking how I'm feeling and if I need anything, always so caring and loving, considerate, giving. Always affectionate, attentive, considerate, generous. He makes me feel safe, secure, and respected. These are all the things I want in a man.

 

 

Our sexual attraction is just off the charts, to make it even better. I thought the first time was great; this last time (weekend) was even better. I can't even begin to explain how amazing it is. He touches me in the ways I need and want to be touched. The affection is constant, his attention is undivided, he's strong and masculine and always has aroused me, since we met. His body is just amazing, he can pick me up and pin me against the wall and take control. He's so sexually attracted to me and vice versa, we haven't been able to keep our hands off each other since our first date. We didn't sleep together until 6 weeks after we met, after talking every day... but now that I've had a taste, I can't stop thinking about how much I need him. I need someone like him who isn't afraid to assume that role, to be strong and powerful and sexually aggressive. He understands and knows how to be masculine and he makes me feel like such a woman. It's a very primal instinct we have going on, and the sex is almost too good to be true. This may be too X rated for LoveShack, but he makes me come every time, and that's never been the case with any man I've ever been with in my life. Just from intercourse alone. That's more than I can say for any other experience I've had, even in my long term relationships. I don't know if it's because of the longing and building up, or it's just because his passion is matching mine in those moments, during, prior, and after. There is so much affection and passion between us.

 

 

I could go on and on about that part.. but I just wanted to update and say that all my doubts were washed away because of the past few days with him. Now I love him more than before. Now I feel much closer and willing to take this risk.

 

I'll update more later with details. Off to sleep now to think about how great it felt to wake up every morning and spend each day, and to go to bed with him. It was the best.

[BluEyeL]

Thanks for the update ! I was looking for it, found it on the second page So happy for you! I hope you guys can bridge the distance soon! It's so exciting to feel this way!

[venusishername]

I really worked myself up in the days prior to seeing him again. I was feeling just as anxious as I was the last time he came to see me. I think I was just feeling a lot of pressure and got into a tailspin. I let him know that I was feeling nervous about meeting his son and spending time with his big family. The best part is that he was considerate of that. I worked all day and had to drive for 2 hours that night to go meet him. He told me not to worry, we would be alone and would be staying in that night at the hotel, just us. I was so relieved, and my worries washed away. He's really good at taking initiative. It's so attractive.

 

Same butterflies for both of us at first sight. When he sees me he always gets this huge smile, his whole face lights up. It was such a great reunion. We went out for drinks and some dinner. I had offered to treat since he had booked the room, but he insisted on picking up the tab. I knew he didn't have much money to spend the rest of the time on eating out, but he wanted to do as much as he could; I could see that very clearly during this last trip.

His son is wonderful. We really hit it off, actually. He really took to me, and asked me a lot of questions about myself, he even bought me some fudge at the candy shop. We aren't too close in age, but we are the same age difference as his dad and I, so I found that son and I were kind of on the same page sometimes. One night we three were having dinner, and son asked me in the context of our conversation what was it about his father that made me want to be with him? (I thought that was so sweet)....

I told him it was because he did what he said he would do, he always followed through. He never made me wonder or wait, he was clear that he wanted to be with me. And that he's a gentleman, and respectful and honest. It was nice for me to hear myself say that, and I'm sure R and his son both were happy to hear it too. I gave him extra points that his son would be so sweet to ask me that.

We spent a lot of time with his family. Some people I had met before, some new. They are such wonderful, welcoming people. Their culture is a completely new experience for me, very family oriented and warm. I had a blast. They insisted that I get in the family photos, the uncles all danced with me, the cousins gave me the stamp of approval. One of them told him he better not mess up with me because I am such a special woman (!) He said he knows.

 

I had a wonderful time, the entire time. His son was with us every night at our Airbnb and I loved the feeling of togetherness that we had. We ate leisurely breakfasts every morning, son and I laughed and rolled our eyes at R's silliness and endearing quirks. Son says 'dad is goofy, but loveable'- and that's so true. R is so funny and goofy, he always makes me laugh. He makes me feel silly and not so serious. He reminds me to relax and not stress.

To see him with his family and the way he interacted with his son absolutely sealed the deal for me. He may not be rich, maybe he's not totally financially stable... but he has the most important values that align with what I am looking for. To see him like this made me fall in love with him even more.

On top of that, he is incredibly affectionate, attentive, caring, protective reassuring, disarming. He makes me laugh like nothing else. We have such a strong passion and connection, it's almost too good to be true. I never thought I could be satisfied just from intercourse, but he always makes it happen. At the family party, someone sang a song, and he pulled me into him and danced with me in the kitchen. That small gesture made me realize that this is what I'm looking for. Someone who is romantic and passionate, and who feels deeply just as I do.

He shows me incredible respect, always listens to my suggestions and opinions, but at the same time he likes to take initiative. I KNEW that I wouldn't have to settle for a passive and meek man. He's strong and assertive but still takes my feelings into consideration, always.

We had lots of incredible sex, all over the place, as often as possible. Did things in bed that we didn't do last time. It's the best. I can't believe how good it is. He's really hot. And everything he does and about him is 'just right'. I couldn't ask for more in that department. He can't seem to get enough of me either. I know it's early, but I think our spicy sex life is a very good indication of how it will continue to be. Heck, our first date, we were all over each other. I knew the sex would be the best.

 

He admitted he was really nervous about meeting my dad!! I thought that was so great it showed that he was invested in this and cared about his approval!! I knew the time with my dad would be great, of course they hit it off. My dad could see that I was "beaming" and that's all he needed to see, he said. Dad asked me in private if I was sure about this long distance thing, isn't it too hard for me? Am I willing to give up dating other people for this, seeing as if he doesn't live here (yet)? Is it worth it to me to fully commit to this? I was surprised that he would ask me that. I think he just wants to be sure that I am happy. I told him that we have been exclusive since about a month in, and I'm more than happy to be exclusive. I'm not missing out on anything, I'm not meeting anyone else that could even come close to comparing to what I have with R... it's not worth looking anymore. (R said the same thing a month in). If I happen to meet someone who lives here who knocks my socks off, sure I would take into account the opportunity, but that didn't happen for over 4 years that I was single, so I figure I already found what I'm looking for and I'm good with that.

He brought me breakfast and coffee in bed after our first night together. And even fed it to me. We would take showers together, he would wash my hair and body, then always make love to me... he would pull me into his body every waking moment in bed, we would wake up and he'd initiate sex, every night we did, multiple times a day, even in the backseat of my car! It was awesome. I need that high sexual appetite because I have a high one myself. It is a good match.. not to mention the sex itself is the best. Oh yeah, I already did say that !

 

I'm not sure how to put this into words...but I'll try. He said he would want more kids, with the right person. But this last trip, he was joking around... well, half joking, I'm sure... well, I think he likes the idea of me being pregnant. ! I can't say that he's TRYING to get me pregnant, because we are taking most precautions... but let's just say he's kind of into the idea. You know how some men are just biologically wired to want to have kids... many don't want kids, but he sure does. And after seeing him as a father, I would not be opposed at all. We talked about protection the past two visits, prior to seeing each other. There was one time this visit that I would say was risky. I don't think pulling out is effective, but used the rhythm method and pulling out. One time he didn't. I'm just a little worried about that because well, it's not safe.

 

Before he left, I started getting sad and teary. He held me into him and looked me dead in the eyes, and was reassuring. He said he is working on coming out here, but these things take time. Nothing happens so quickly, and he needs to get home to work, replenish the finances, work on the money, get all the ducks in a row. I told him I can't keep doing this, it's too hard, I don't want to only see him for holidays and vacations. I want something more now. I know he does too. And the best part is, I trust him! I don't need to ask, or demand, or wonder. I know as long as he wants this, he will do what is in his power to be with me.

I was teasingly asking him if he would build me a house, since he's so good at building and fixing things.. and he asked me where I would like to live. He said he would do anything for me and yes, if that's what I wanted, he would be happy to build me a house (where he would live with me of course).

 

 

We had some long car rides, and son was with us. We got on the conversation of family and children. More or less, I was explaining what it is I'm looking for, my goals. I know I have touched on this before with him, but after this weekend with family, I felt even more strongly about my intentions. I said I've spent time alone, independent, I have my education and career, but I don't want to be alone anymore. I want my own family, own traditions, to come home and be with my husband and my kids. I want that togetherness, and to have my own family unit. He said he was just wondering, just making sure of my intentions, and that he feels the same. I already knew that by the way he acts, but it was so good to hear, and to be so honest. I know that we are on the same page with our intentions. He wants to have that togetherness and family unit too. He's old fashioned like me, and that's a value that I'm not willing to budge on.

I miss him so much. I'm planning to go there next month, over Valentine's Day weekend. It seems so far away.

Edited January 6, 2016 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

Venus, I'm elated that things are going so well for you. Please bookmark your post and read it over and over again if you ever have doubts. That sense of certainty is so important.

 

At the family party, someone sang a song, and he pulled me into him and danced with me in the kitchen. That small gesture made me realize that this is what I'm looking for. Someone who is romantic and passionate, and who feels deeply just as I do.

 

I just had to say I love this My boyfriend likes grabbing me to slow dance, sometimes mid-conversation, and it always makes me so happy and relaxed. I would never have thought of such a thing, but now that I know men do this (and often!) I can't imagine being with a man who didn't.

 

We had lots of incredible sex, all over the place, as often as possible. Did things in bed that we didn't do last time. It's the best. I can't believe how good it is. He's really hot. And everything he does and about him is 'just right'. I couldn't ask for more in that department. He can't seem to get enough of me either. I know it's early, but I think our spicy sex life is a very good indication of how it will continue to be. Heck, our first date, we were all over each other. I knew the sex would be the best.

 

This may very well be true, but keep in mind you're both very sexually charged people in a long-distance relationship. It's too soon to take anything as an indicator. If you weren't all over each other at this point I would be worried!

 

I'm not sure how to put this into words...but I'll try. He said he would want more kids, with the right person. But this last trip, he was joking around... well, half joking, I'm sure... well, I think he likes the idea of me being pregnant. !

 

I have no data to back it up, but I think this may be a (relatively) common fetish for both men and women. Something about the idea of being able to completely transform someone's body, "own" them, and so forth seems to feed into general domination/submission fantasies.

 

I can't say that he's TRYING to get me pregnant, because we are taking most precautions... There was one time this visit that I would say was risky. I don't think pulling out is effective, but used the rhythm method and pulling out. One time he didn't. I'm just a little worried about that because well, it's not safe.

 

By "most precautions" you do mean some form of legitimate birth control you didn't mention, right? Because the rhythm method and pulling out are not actual means of protection any more than a windbreaker is adequate protection against hurricanes. I have a hard time believing a mature, sexually active adult woman wouldn't either be using birth control or condoms. If you don't have an IUD, I highly recommend one! I got mine a year ago and can't imagine going back. They're completely covered under your insurance/ACA, too.

[venusishername]

Venus, I'm elated that things are going so well for you. Please bookmark your post and read it over and over again if you ever have doubts. That sense of certainty is so important.

 

THANK YOU! I know, despite how certain I felt when he was here, this distance causes loneliness and uncertainty in me. The past few days that he's been gone I'm feeling some creeping insecurities and doubts... maybe that's just because I miss him so much. I seem to feel insecure and anxious only when we aren't together; once we are, all that washes away and I am very certain.

 

I have no data to back it up, but I think this may be a (relatively) common fetish for both men and women. Something about the idea of being able to completely transform someone's body, "own" them, and so forth seems to feed into general domination/submission fantasies.

I don't really follow the 'fetish' idea... but I just meant I got the impression he likes the idea of me being pregnant. ! Wouldn't be so far fetched for a red blooded man to want to have babies with a woman he's in love with, right?! On that note...

 

 

By "most precautions" you do mean some form of legitimate birth control you didn't mention, right? Because the rhythm method and pulling out are not actual means of protection any more than a windbreaker is adequate protection against hurricanes. I have a hard time believing a mature, sexually active adult woman wouldn't either be using birth control or condoms. If you don't have an IUD, I highly recommend one! I got mine a year ago and can't imagine going back. They're completely covered under your insurance/ACA, too.

 

The last time we were together I was using the pill, but I decided (and discussed with him) that I would rather not take it continuously if we weren't having regular sex. I am against IUDs... I've known a handful of women who have had bad side effects and tearing, scarring, etc. from IUDs. I prefer the pill if I'm going to use birth control at all.

Pulling out and the rhythm method are effective for most people that I know. It's not as safe as condoms or the pill, but it is a good alternative.

Let's just say I'm not going to get on the pill again until we are having sex on a regular basis (meaning more than every 4-6 weeks).

 

 

And.... speaking of a regular basis... I'm looking to go there next month. I can't wait any longer than that. Now that I'm looking at flights frantically, I can relate to his sense of urgency that he had by booking two flights out here in 6 weeks. Now I'm spending hundreds of dollars to be there over Valentine's Day long weekend. The prices skyrocketed due to Mardi Gras, but you know what? It's worth it. I can be thrifty until then. Now I understand- you do things you might not normally do when you're in love. I can't bear the thought of not seeing him as soon as possible. I even looked at earlier flights over the holiday weekend this month, but I decided I have to be with him on Valentine's Day. We're going to talk about it tonight. Frivolous of me, to be there for such a short time, and spend so much money, but it's worth it.

 

 

One of his family members said that he should get a lot of points because he came out here twice already, that says so much. And I guess it does. To be honest, I didn't think it could last this long. But for me, and it seems to be mutual... every time we spend together, the feeling is growing, we are becoming closer and more in love. I hope he feels the same way. I think he does.

He mentioned me coming with him to his family member's wedding in June, out of the country. It sounds so romantic, and I hope to go! The thought of this traveling, it is romantic... we don't have to just meet in our two cities, we have other places to experience too.

 

 

I know I shouldn't feel insecure or doubtful, but I just wanted to express the doubts anyway. Maybe you have input and maybe I'm being unreasonable.

I worry that he's going to find or be interested in another woman who lives there. What if he has a relationship with someone there; I'll never know. What if he meets someone else and doesn't want to be with me anymore?

My ex slept with another woman while we were separated by distance for 3 months. We talked daily and I was under the impression we were in love and still together. But he slept with someone else, I found out after we broke up. What if R does the same thing?? I'd never know about it.

 

 

He talks about bridging the distance, he wants to merge his life here, but it takes time, he has to get his ducks in a row. But what if it never happens? What if this distance is all it will ever be? He romanticizes the 'two cities' and the absence making the heart grow fonder... but I don't want that! I don't know if I have the patience to wait the rest of the year, or whatever it takes... I want the day in and day out. I want to get married, live with my husband, and have kids. I don't want to wait much longer. Would it be wiser for me to open myself up to someone who lives here, and could offer me those things NOW? I don't want to keep putting it off, not knowing if he will follow through.

 

I'm feeling happy, but so incredibly lonely, and uncertain now. Vulnerable is a good word to describe how I'm feeling. This last time together sealed the deal as far as my feelings for him. Now the separation is really hard; harder than before.

Edited January 7, 2016 by venusishername

[Redhead14]

I thought about this on my walk earlier.

Losangelena is right on, that is my main concern.

For example, if he's claiming he's 'broke' on this trip, to me that means he's not able to pay for anything else. Who's gonna pay for that? Honestly, I'm thinking of just giving him some cash to cover one night in the hotel and just worry about my own food if I have to. I'm covering the gas. It really bothers me (and I can't help it) if he would depend on me or other people to do that. I realize he's spent hundreds to come out here and book our rooms. I can certainly contribute where I can, like in gas, and bringing some snacks, etc., picking up dinner, etc. That's fine. It's just not good if he's mooching. That's my number one deal breaker. I hope this makes sense.

 

 

On the other hand, Lissvarna is also right; that it may be unfair to make any generalization based on these two trips.

 

 

I think I'm causing this unnecessary stress on myself because I really am overwhelmed with the thought of being completely absorbed in his entire big family and meeting his son. He and I won't have our alone time unless we steal away on this trip. It's just a lot.

 

I really am overwhelmed with the thought of being completely absorbed in his entire big family and meeting his son. -- This is one reason for not meeting/being involved with close family members before the relationship is firmly rooted/established and you have had sufficient quality time to focus on one another before taking on the possible pressure from family. If/when the relationship foundation has been firmly rooted, any negative input/influence from the families can be emotionally and mutually negated.

[BluEyeL]

Venus just force yourself to trust all will be ok and live in the present . Be patient I think everything will work out if you do. Long distance is tough I think especially due to the insecurity . One year is really not that long. You'll be fine, just don't freak out .

[Eighty_nine]

THANK YOU! I know, despite how certain I felt when he was here, this distance causes loneliness and uncertainty in me. The past few days that he's been gone I'm feeling some creeping insecurities and doubts... maybe that's just because I miss him so much. I seem to feel insecure and anxious only when we aren't together; once we are, all that washes away and I am very certain.

 

 

I don't really follow the 'fetish' idea... but I just meant I got the impression he likes the idea of me being pregnant. ! Wouldn't be so far fetched for a red blooded man to want to have babies with a woman he's in love with, right?! On that note...

 

 

 

 

The last time we were together I was using the pill, but I decided (and discussed with him) that I would rather not take it continuously if we weren't having regular sex. I am against IUDs... I've known a handful of women who have had bad side effects and tearing, scarring, etc. from IUDs. I prefer the pill if I'm going to use birth control at all.

Pulling out and the rhythm method are effective for most people that I know. It's not as safe as condoms or the pill, but it is a good alternative.

Let's just say I'm not going to get on the pill again until we are having sex on a regular basis (meaning more than every 4-6 weeks).

 

 

And.... speaking of a regular basis... I'm looking to go there next month. I can't wait any longer than that. Now that I'm looking at flights frantically, I can relate to his sense of urgency that he had by booking two flights out here in 6 weeks. Now I'm spending hundreds of dollars to be there over Valentine's Day long weekend. The prices skyrocketed due to Mardi Gras, but you know what? It's worth it. I can be thrifty until then. Now I understand- you do things you might not normally do when you're in love. I can't bear the thought of not seeing him as soon as possible. I even looked at earlier flights over the holiday weekend this month, but I decided I have to be with him on Valentine's Day. We're going to talk about it tonight. Frivolous of me, to be there for such a short time, and spend so much money, but it's worth it.

 

 

One of his family members said that he should get a lot of points because he came out here twice already, that says so much. And I guess it does. To be honest, I didn't think it could last this long. But for me, and it seems to be mutual... every time we spend together, the feeling is growing, we are becoming closer and more in love. I hope he feels the same way. I think he does.

He mentioned me coming with him to his family member's wedding in June, out of the country. It sounds so romantic, and I hope to go! The thought of this traveling, it is romantic... we don't have to just meet in our two cities, we have other places to experience too.

 

 

I know I shouldn't feel insecure or doubtful, but I just wanted to express the doubts anyway. Maybe you have input and maybe I'm being unreasonable.

I worry that he's going to find or be interested in another woman who lives there. What if he has a relationship with someone there; I'll never know. What if he meets someone else and doesn't want to be with me anymore?

My ex slept with another woman while we were separated by distance for 3 months. We talked daily and I was under the impression we were in love and still together. But he slept with someone else, I found out after we broke up. What if R does the same thing?? I'd never know about it.

 

 

He talks about bridging the distance, he wants to merge his life here, but it takes time, he has to get his ducks in a row. But what if it never happens? What if this distance is all it will ever be? He romanticizes the 'two cities' and the absence making the heart grow fonder... but I don't want that! I don't know if I have the patience to wait the rest of the year, or whatever it takes... I want the day in and day out. I want to get married, live with my husband, and have kids. I don't want to wait much longer. Would it be wiser for me to open myself up to someone who lives here, and could offer me those things NOW? I don't want to keep putting it off, not knowing if he will follow through.

 

I'm feeling happy, but so incredibly lonely, and uncertain now. Vulnerable is a good word to describe how I'm feeling. This last time together sealed the deal as far as my feelings for him. Now the separation is really hard; harder than before.

 

Pulling out worked flawlessly for me with my last two partners for two years. As long as they are able to pull out in time, it's effective. Even more so if you avoid the method for your fertile week. I just wouldn't tell teenagers this haha. (Just don't take any chances unless you're 100% sure- we decided not to pull out *once* and I am pregnant!). I also don't believe in the IUD, or BC pills-- all seem very unnatural to me.

 

Sounds great Venus except I think you should've avoided the most expensive time to fly there, but that's just me. Valentine's Day or not, it's always special when you see each other since you're LD. What kind of creeping doubts are you having? It would be more concerning if you had these while physically with him. Minds work overdrive when apart.

Edited January 7, 2016 by lissvarna

[introverted1]

If I happen to meet someone who lives here who knocks my socks off, sure I would take into account the opportunity, but that didn't happen for over 4 years that I was single, so I figure I already found what I'm looking for and I'm good with that.

 

 

This jumped out at me.

 

Is this at the root of why you're concerned whether he will find someone else?

[Eighty_nine]

This jumped out at me.

 

Is this at the root of why you're concerned whether he will find someone else?

 

I thought about this too-- you may be projecting. You care about him but if someone local swept you off your feet, you'd have second thoughts (which is reasonable) so you worry that could happen to him.

[venusishername]

(Just don't take any chances unless you're 100% sure- we decided not to pull out *once* and I am pregnant!). I also don't believe in the IUD, or BC pills-- all seem very unnatural to me.

 

Congratulations, Lissvarna!! That's great, so very happy for you. I remember when you first started dating this guy when you were posting on my thread... was it about a year ago now?!

 

Sounds great Venus except I think you should've avoided the most expensive time to fly there, but that's just me. Valentine's Day or not, it's always special when you see each other since you're LD. What kind of creeping doubts are you having? It would be more concerning if you had these while physically with him. Minds work overdrive when apart.

 

I would have liked to avoid that time to travel, but unfortunately that was my only long weekend for the next couple months, I couldn't pass up being with him on Valentine's Day, AND I wanted to experience Mardi Gras festivities in New Orleans for the first time! Just like he did, (twice) I did something for love that I would not normally do.

I do NOT have these concerns while physically with him, because I know that I have his 100% undivided attention. While I'm not, I can't help but wonder a few things. Here are my doubts; maybe it will just help if I say them out loud:

He's going to be tempted by someone else and won't want to wait for me. I can't stop comparing my ex who did this when we were once separated by distance. Granted, he was a jerk and dishonest, but I didn't know that at the time. We can't share what we want to physically... so maybe he's just going to say '**** it' and go find some easy affection/sex. I know that's callous and harsh, but hey, it happens. Right?

 

 

Maybe this is an unreasonable fear, but I fear that this long distance 'romance' is all he wants out of this. He mentioned how romantic it is now that we have 'two cities'... it makes me wonder if that is acceptable to him, and he just likes the idea of having a girlfriend who happens to live in a really cool place where his extended family also happens to be. Do you know what I mean...maybe he wants to keep this ideal and not actually have the reality of eventually closing the distance.

Although he has talked about merging his life and work here... but it won't be any time really soon, etc. Sometimes I wonder if he would really make the move here like he talks about, and how long that would take... and if we could make it until then.

 

The past few days have been very difficult for me, I think for both of us. We are talking often, maybe more often now. We do video chat sometimes and (sorry if TMI), have regular phone sex. But sometimes I wonder if I can keep him satisfied sometimes. What if he would rather be with a woman who's available there, in his own city? It would be easy to find. Right?

 

 

He mentioned the other night how he thinks about the things he wants to do with me, now he's excited about planning for my visit on Valentine's Day. He talked about if we were together, like now, we would be going to the movie, dinners, sushi, sake, etc. It made me sad... to think that he's wanting the same things I'm wanting to do together... these things we're missing out on sharing. And what if he doesn't want to miss out anymore and gives up on me to find someone who can give him what he wants?

 

Sometimes I wonder if we are strong enough to do this, to continue indefinitely at long distance, waiting for over a month or more in between visits; not knowing when or if we will ever close the distance.

I am very clear on what I am looking for. I believe he has the same values and goals. But- I am beginning to feel impatient and I don't have all the answers...

 

I thought about this too-- you may be projecting. You care about him but if someone local swept you off your feet, you'd have second thoughts (which is reasonable) so you worry that could happen to him.

Yes, exactly. Trust me, I'm not looking anymore, and I don't think I will meet anyone who will sweep me off my feet, I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't feel tempted by anyone else, etc.

I didn't meet anyone in over 4 years that could even compare to how I feel about him and vice versa, etc. so I don't think it's likely that I would meet someone local. If I did he'd really have to knock my socks off to tear my heart away from R. I guess I could flip that script too.. maybe R would feel the same way.

We both have said in frustration, 'why couldn't we meet someone like each other in our own city'- I've often thought it isn't fair.

And speaking of sweeping me off my feet... within the first month of meeting, he was contacting me daily, and I think it was on Halloween that I noticed he was starting to seem a little frantic and get frustrated being away from me, maybe even a little jealousy emerged..

He said something like- 'I have to come to you ASAP before anyone else can sweep you off your feet; I need to do everything in my power to make you know that I want you!' He didn't want anyone else to get to me. He was on a mission. He was so worried I'd slip away from him.

I'm sure he feels the same way now.

 

He seems to think I'm beating men off with a stick (ha!) But we won't tell him. He can think that, but I know it isn't true. I wouldn't give most men a second look anymore.

 

I have to say.. I really don't miss being single. I hated online dating, I knew it wasn't for me but I did it anyway because I felt I SHOULD be putting myself out there. The guys I dated the longest were ones that I met in person first. And I knew the man I'd fall in love with would come naturally. And he did!

The best thing about R is that he set a new bar for what it means to pursue and UNLIKE EVERY OTHER GUY I'VE LIKED in the past 4 years... he never ONCE made me doubt his interest, intentions, or agenda. He never played games, power plays, or made me feel disposable. I left him at my hotel door the last night in NOLA, and it kept him wanting more. He never stopped contacting me since; now it's three months later and he still contacts me every single day. Every day. He has always been consistent and so far, has followed through on his word every time.

 

I wonder why I have these doubts then, when tonight, for example, we were exchanging love emojis and the gifs with cartoon characters with hearts popping out of their chests. And he'd say things like... 'I love making you laugh' (which he does, unlike anyone else). He is very special to me. Now that I found him, I don't want to lose him. I know he feels the same way. I just don't want to lose my confidence or patience.