When it rains it pours

[lana-banana]

You asked, so I'll say it: I think you're being (at least) a little unreasonable. You two haven't even been dating six months! It's not rational to expect someone to commit to upending their entire life for you at this point. It also seems unreasonable to put so much of it on him, especially when he's struggling financially. If you really want to be with him you may have to be the one to move. But that doesn't have to happen right now. You should give yourself at least a year of long-distance dating before you talk seriously about dating in the same city.

[idoltree]

Hi Venus. Just checking up on you.

 

I became concerned a few pages back where you were going on and on about his finances. I get it, you want someone stable. But to look down on him for coming out twice to see you on holidays? He wanted to be with you, to hold your hand and spend time together on those special days. The man's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Either he's not trying hard enough, or it's too much and you think he's being foolish.

 

I think, yet again, all that speculation over his finances was you searching for reasons to create emotional distance and have doubts.

 

(But, side note, you DON'T have a credit card? For Pete's sake - get one. You don't have to use it. If you use it for a monthly bill, then pay it off every month, it will be great for your credit score. If your credit is great with a student loan, why not make it even better by having available credit?)

 

Sexual chemistry: isn't it great when you find it like that? My guy and I are still off the charts 3 and 1/2 years in. I expected it to die down in frequency or quality, but it never has. We're like teenagers, and it's so so good. I'm in my 30s, he's in his 40s, and we did it four times one night last week. Sorry for the TMI, but I think that sometimes you come across someone you are highly compatible with in the boudoir and the frequency and quality never die down.

 

He also likes to dance around with me at random times. It's so nice feeling feminine and desired like that, right?

 

I also think that you are starting to fall back into some old habits that are going to be challenging for you. You're a tough nut for relationships, Venus, because you want both this enveloping constant love, but you also crave distance when you're feeling anxious. You were creating reasons for some emotional distance from him with all the worry about his finances and what it all ~means~. Now you feel better after you've seen him, but now you're getting frustrated at the distance and wanting the constant enveloping love.

 

I still think you've got some childhood issues that you're projecting onto the relationship because of your expectations of what a relationship can be. You want it to be both stable and enveloping. You want it to be intense. But when you have actual stability, and you're with someone who cares and makes you feel safe, it's not intense. It can't be. So if you're someone who craves intensity, and you do, you're going to struggle with something (and someone) stable. But luckily that's something that you can control through counseling.

 

I worry for you, both in managing your anxiety with the distance (when you get anxious you become very critical), and whenever you come down. LDRs are good for you in that they force you to take it much slower than you're used to, but they also increase longing and passion in ways that wouldn't be the same for two people living in the same place. You have these long periods of missing and wishing, and then a few days together where it's all very romantic and passionate, and you psychologically condition yourself to crave that person.

 

So I really worry for the two of you, because you are both romantics who can be impulsive. I am not sure how thrown off you're each going to be when you can start to see one another's flaws. How will you handle it when he says something flippant that happens to hurt your feelings? Are you going to crash down into "What does it all mean? Are we not right for one another? Someone who ~really~ loved me wouldn't do that!" And what happens when you get anxious and start nagging him about something? Is he going to crash into "I thought she was different! Are all women the same?"

 

Basically, I think the two of you really need to work on managing your expectations about what the two of you can be for one another. Right now it's all saviors and enveloping love, but that can't last. You're either going to shift into more companionate love (with hot sex - I've got proof it can happen!) or you're going to crash and burn. Start managing expectations and talk about how right now everything's wonderful and life changing, but that you are two real people with flaws.

 

I'd like the two of you to be established enough to experience one another's flaws and still stay together before you start talking long term. And getting to that point is going to take longer in an LDR than if you were together every day. I am still concerned that one, or both of you, are going to freak out when you come out of the honeymoon period. I know that you're at risk of that (he can't be enveloping without being perfect, his imperfection will make you anxious, and you will crave emotional distance from him) and I suspect his is too, based on how fast the two of you were "in love."

 

I think this can work and the two of you can be very happy together if you resist your usual patterns from the past and manage your expectations. And I think you should stop concentrating so much on what you thought the person for you would be; sometimes it's not that at all. It's clear this guy cares for you, he seems to be a good man, you've got hot chemistry, and you share the same values and vision for the future. Don't sabotage yourself. Find the courage to stay all in, but also managing destructive emotions and expectations.

 

This relationship can be good for you, if you let it. It will challenge you in areas where you need to grow. Don't fight that. Become okay with vulnerability, and don't expect him to be able to be everything for you - no man can do that. If you expect that, you're going to be disappointed, and you may project that onto him rather than understanding that you set the bar way too high from the start.

[venusishername]

You asked, so I'll say it: I think you're being (at least) a little unreasonable. You two haven't even been dating six months! It's not rational to expect someone to commit to upending their entire life for you at this point. It also seems unreasonable to put so much of it on him, especially when he's struggling financially. If you really want to be with him you may have to be the one to move. But that doesn't have to happen right now. You should give yourself at least a year of long-distance dating before you talk seriously about dating in the same city.

I think what you said is completely reasonable. Thank you for putting me in check ! I've thought about the possibility of moving there. But tbh, he seems more interested in coming here. It's not only me that is a draw to him, it's his huge family he happens to have here too.

You're right.. we're only a couple months in... no reason for me to feel in a hurry. I just would like to be in the same city, that's all. There's so many things I want to be sharing with him now and it's so hard to not have it, knowing what it could be like.

 

Hi Venus. Just checking up on you.

I became concerned a few pages back where you were going on and on about his finances. I get it, you want someone stable. But to look down on him for coming out twice to see you on holidays? He wanted to be with you, to hold your hand and spend time together on those special days. The man's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Either he's not trying hard enough, or it's too much and you think he's being foolish.

I think, yet again, all that speculation over his finances was you searching for reasons to create emotional distance and have doubts.

 

I think you're right. I wonder why I did that.. the searching for reasons to create emotional distance and have doubts. I remember there was a couple days right before I would be seeing him again that I had this feeling of 'maybe I should call this off' (because I was afraid or something).

Funny how quickly that went away as soon as I was with him. Now I don't want any emotional distance and am feeling a little obsessive about being close to him again.

All those worries went away as soon as he told me that he was waiting for me at the hotel, where we could have the whole night to ourselves, and just be alone together. Then, and since, all I've cared about is getting to him and being with him.

 

Sexual chemistry: isn't it great when you find it like that? My guy and I are still off the charts 3 and 1/2 years in. I expected it to die down in frequency or quality, but it never has. We're like teenagers, and it's so so good. I'm in my 30s, he's in his 40s, and we did it four times one night last week. Sorry for the TMI, but I think that sometimes you come across someone you are highly compatible with in the boudoir and the frequency and quality never die down.

 

YES! I had a very high sexual chemistry with my last boyfriend, it never died after 4 years, our sex life was always off the charts. I thought it would die down, but it never did, like what you describe with your guy.

Same so far with R, but even better! Wow, it's so great. He told me he's never felt this kind of passion he feels with me in his life! I knew from the first time we touched that it would be this way. There's a lot of electricity and sexuality between us.... and that's so important to me. I wasn't willing to sacrifice that. There was a time that I thought I may have to.

I dated a guy last year who was sweet but we didn't have the sexual connection. I really need a guy who is going to be aggressive and take control, and make me feel like such a woman and feel so desirable.

Over the last weekend, we were getting dressed to go to a party, and I put on my dress, asked him to zip me up. He stood behind me and was liking the way I looked in it so much, he took it right off me and just bent me over the bed ! Didn't even say a word.... that's how much he wants me. And you said 4 times in one night? Amateurs We even did it in the backseat of my car! I'm still thinking about how great it is with him. We've been talking about it a lot since too.. *sigh*

 

He also likes to dance around with me at random times. It's so nice feeling feminine and desired like that, right?

Absolutely. It's what I never knew I always wanted. He's the most romantic man I've ever been with. I need that.

 

You were creating reasons for some emotional distance from him with all the worry about his finances and what it all ~means~. Now you feel better after you've seen him, but now you're getting frustrated at the distance and wanting the constant enveloping love.

I'm not sure how to respond to this, other than I see that... but what can I do about it? If it balances out, I think it's ok in the end. I don't believe I'm doing anything to push him away, etc. I think what I DO need to work on is not questioning or asking, or expecting him to merge his life into mine here right away. Sometimes I hear myself getting sad and longing to him... not that I am being needy or clingy... but maybe just sad.

 

So if you're someone who craves intensity, and you do, you're going to struggle with something (and someone) stable. But luckily that's something that you can control through counseling.

I think the fact that this is long distance and there's so much longing and romance involved creates that 'intensity' that I crave... WHILE at the same time, there is stability and security, 'enveloping' as you call it. There is a feeling of excitement and uncertainty and well, unpleasant feelings.. that is combined with steadiness, consistency, and security. So for me, it is a good balance. BUT... I think at this point I would be happy with stability with him, because the romance and passion we have would give that little spark of excitement and intensity that I think we both need.

 

So I really worry for the two of you, because you are both romantics who can be impulsive. I am not sure how thrown off you're each going to be when you can start to see one another's flaws.

I don't think it should be too much of a worry! This would go for anyone who just started dating. And guess what? We've happened to see each others' flaws already. We got a little heated and I got a little frustrated at his driving when he was here. I wouldn't say we got in an argument, but we were both a little testy with each other, and I was getting a little feisty. We were both laughing at the same time, but it was kind of a little 'play' argument. We were bantering for a little bit, but his sense of humor just made me lose it. This happened the first time he came to visit too. He did something that made me feel a little upset, (nothing notable).. and we kinda did the same 'play' argument and banter, but in the end we were both laughing so hard we were almost in tears. I love the way he disarms me with his humor.

So- the flaws... sure, I've seen some pop up already, and I'm sure vice versa. I get easily frustrated and am impatient. He's a slowpoke and a terrible driver. We both know we're not perfect. And so far, we've been able to laugh about it.

 

I am still concerned that one, or both of you, are going to freak out when you come out of the honeymoon period.

Well- I don't think I'm going to freak out. This ain't my first rodeo, so I already know it's not all hearts and flowers. He already tried using the bathroom while I was in there, and I got all flustered and ran out. He said 'you're gonna have to get used to this!'

The thing with him is he's very realistic and straightforward. With him, what you see is what you get...

 

I think this can work and the two of you can be very happy together if you resist your usual patterns from the past and manage your expectations. And I think you should stop concentrating so much on what you thought the person for you would be; sometimes it's not that at all. It's clear this guy cares for you, he seems to be a good man, you've got hot chemistry, and you share the same values and vision for the future. Don't sabotage yourself. Find the courage to stay all in, but also managing destructive emotions and expectations.

 

Thank you. I think so too.

This relationship can be good for you, if you let it. It will challenge you in areas where you need to grow. Don't fight that. Become okay with vulnerability, and don't expect him to be able to be everything for you - no man can do that. If you expect that, you're going to be disappointed, and you may project that onto him rather than understanding that you set the bar way too high from the start.

 

I think it already has been good for me. He told me when he met me after our first date that he was sure I was 'good for' him too. I know that I can't expect him to be everything for me. I don't. I just don't want to be alone anymore. My life is so much richer with him in it... it makes my life without him just pale in comparison... so much it makes me want to run away from the past and start my future right this minute.

This relationship has made me see how fake and superficial my relationships have been before, even with some friends. In the end, I found myself alone.

 

What do you mean by 'become ok with vulnerability'? Sometimes I struggle with whether I should let him know that I'm feeling that way? Most of the time I try to keep it in. I don't want him to know if/when I'm having any doubts.

Edited January 10, 2016 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Just wanted to write some thoughts. It gets easier the longer we are apart, after the initial week after his last visit.. I admit it was very difficult and I was pretty blue.

 

 

The good news is that now we are getting excited and planning a romantic weekend for my upcoming visit to see him for Valentine's Day. The cost of these trips are quite an expense. The good news is that I know I will just have to worry about the plane ticket this time.

We are already talking about a trip out of the country over the summer! That's good... it makes me feel more secure that there is longevity and long term planning involved. I used to only be able to take it one week at a time. Now the 'time' is stretching out. That's a good sign! Even tonight he mentioned us taking a trip together with his kids.. at the end of the year! Now it's many months in advance, not just the next month or two. I think that means things are progressing....

 

Sometimes I feel as though there is a 'lull' or maybe I fear that things aren't progressing. I guess it's hard to progress necessarily in the way I'm used to with living in the same city as someone I'm dating. We keep in daily communication, and always say good night. He still calls and contacts me every day. I like having that reassurance that at the end of the day, we are the last people we want to talk to. The other night we even did a video chat of just him doing an activity he wanted to show me. It was kind of like being able to have a 'date'. Obviously we can't go on dates, but the time we spend together on the phone sometimes turns into a 'date'. That's the good thing about video chat... we can share what we are doing like we are in the flesh.

 

As far as closing the distance, today was the first time he mentioned me moving THERE. He was talking about it hypothetically, like 'if you were to come to New Orleans and were working here, etc.' He had expressed a great interest in moving here, working here... I don't know if that's still a goal, or he's realizing that maybe that's not such an easy move and to start his career from scratch here.

There's no way I would leave here and move to New Orleans unless we were engaged with a wedding date. He knows I'm very firm about not living with someone I'm just dating. I will never ever do that again. I will never move away from my life for someone who does not give me a full commitment. Learned the hard way on that one years ago.

 

I think that gives me an advantage for sure.

I am very clear and firm in what I want. I gave myself a time frame. If this relationship does not progress in the way I am hoping by October, which will be a year from the month we met... I will tell him that it's not what I want and that I am looking for xyz. He already knows that I want to get married and have my own family. He feels the same, this is what I understood from him when we've talked about it. I don't see how that can change. I know that men (and women) know very soon whether they want to marry someone and all that goes along with it. At this point in my life, I'm not willing to wait around for more than a year to progress the relationship to the next level. This is where I think the distance is a good thing. It maintains the boundaries, I think.

 

 

Speaking of boundaries, there have been a few times that were a good exercise for me to feel him out and how he interacts in a relationship. I come from a past of abusive relationships, emotional abuse, so I'm very conscious of any red flags. He said something the other day about watching my diet and watch the drinking. I had said I was going to go out with friends for dinner and drinks that night. I got kinda huffy and upset, like he was telling me what to do and criticizing me. I told him that I felt that came across as critical, and that I am going to eat and drink what I want. He and I both are very health conscious and he's very fit. I think I'm pretty fit myself but hey, no one is perfect. Sometimes I like to splurge on a little fattening food and a couple drinks to have fun. Anyway, I told him that what he said rubbed me the wrong way, and he was quick to explain that he didn't mean it to come off that way, that is my choice, and he was sorry if that upset me what he said. That he has good intentions with telling me to stay health conscious. Also- such a relief and breath of fresh air that he doesn't drink much, and really frowns on alcohol in excess. Both my exes were heavy drinkers, alcoholics really. Many of my friends are heavy drinkers and not health conscious. I think it's great that he's a good influence and not a partier. That's good for me. He's a very positive influence. He's just a very positive, warm, caring person.

 

 

Another 'boundary' issue- I don't think it's anything to worry about, but always something I notice with men. Sometimes if he can't reach me, or if he knows I'm going out with friends...he asks me to let him know when I get home, or checks in on me at the end of the night. It's like he wants to be reassured that I'm still thinking of him at the end of the night, which I am of course. Actually, come to think of it, it's not so much a show of any jealousy or neediness on his part (although maybe me going out and being around other men makes him a little jealous sometimes), it comes across more as caring and concerned too. He never has said anything negative about it, or demanded to know who I was with, or make me feel like I have to explain myself. I pay attention to those kinds of things now. I didn't before.

 

 

This relationship has been the easiest and most effortless that I've been in. The distance is hard, but I feel very secure. I think because I became secure in myself. I needed to do that first before finding a healthy relationship. I've never felt as though I had to try, or wonder. He makes it very simple and I need that. I find it also very easy to be honest and hold my ground. I'm not afraid to show my emotions or my true self with him. He's even said things like 'let's talk about it', and is all about keeping the lines of communication open. I find it very easy to trust in this relationship. I think that makes all the difference.

 

To keep the 'romance'- we have been exchanging cards or letters, old fashioned mail. We exchange little gifts... he has sent me a couple Christmas gifts and now my birthday is coming up too. I can't help but wish for some flowers... but I know whatever his gift is will be very sweet and romantic. I know that Valentine's Day is going to be very special with him too. He's a romantic like me. I couldn't miss spending that time with him. It's been too long since I shared V day with someone I was in love with. I'm really happy to have him in my life.

 

I wanted to touch on the idea of having kids. He has mentioned several times the idea of me being pregnant. He talks about it more freely than any other man I've ever been with. We are taking precautions, but not 'foolproof' precautions. No condoms or hormones will be involved from here on out... I would only consider taking the pill if we were together more than once every 6 weeks or so, and he knows that. But- I think that if it WERE to happen, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I know how he feels about it. I think the idea of it is appealing to us both. I've wanted kids since I was in my 20s... Unfortunately I was never with men that I thought would be a good father and who were true and reliable. But he is. I could see that in the way he interacted with his son and the rest of his family. I know he would step up and take responsibility too. Not saying I'm trying to get pregnant... but almost another year older into my 30s... I need to be real selective now with choosing my man. I already know he has the family values I'm looking for!

 

 

We have about three more weeks. It seems like a long time, but in the interim, I've found some good outlets and am taking good care of myself.

[venusishername]

I think it helps for me to write it out. Don't talk about my fears too often at all in real life. All I wanted to do today was get home and cuddle up and wind down and get my thoughts out.

 

First of all, some good things:

Only three weeks until I go see him and we can spend Valentine's Day weekend together. Unfortunately this will be a short visit but I know it will be special. I can't wait to go back there! I'm in love with him and also his hometown

We still have been talking daily, throughout the day, always consistent. If we can't talk on the phone, he'll still text or at least leave a message. The communication has never dropped off, I wouldn't say it's increased, but maybe deeper, more real conversations, more planning for the future. I look back on the past 3+ months and not one single day has gone by that we have not been in contact. If I don't contact him first, I know before too long I will always hear from him.

 

It's kinda cool now we are working together on a project/business venture; it's something that we spend time talking about and working on together, giving our opinions, and he's taken my advice and values it! (No money is being exchanged, not to worry!) I'm kind of working on a website listing for him for a little side project he decided to embark on. I'm happy to do it and he's more or less deferred to my opinion on a lot of it. I think it's great that we can have something to bond us and to discuss at a long distance. We get to work together as a team and that's really cool.

 

He really broke down my walls when it comes to trusting again. I always held men at an arm's length after my traumatic breakup. I do go to a therapist periodically and I've been seeing her for a couple years now. She brought up a good point. I've felt recently as though I've made leaps and bounds as far as my attitude and trusting someone. I gave myself all the credit. I thought I just grew up and put the past behind me. But she pointed out that maybe he had a big part in it too- well of course he did! His consistency translates to trustworthiness! I see how sincere and open he is, which makes me feel more trusting of myself too, because he allows me to be open and sincere as well. He doesn't judge or belittle my insecurities like other men I've dated have.

If he says something that raises up a red flag in my mind (old fears), I have no problem voicing my feelings and standing my ground to establish the boundaries. Then he is accepting, understanding, and respectful of my feelings. Geez. I was really treated badly before. I never knew what I was missing until I met him. It's good to talk to my therapist because I am very aware now of my old fears. Old fears have entered this new relationship... BUT- I'm able to talk them down now. I think I have a good handle on it.

 

Still some issues that I think about, but nothing new and not. When he was here last, three weeks ago now... he was talking about the idea of moving here, looking for work here, etc. He can't pick up his life and just pack it up and move out here. He knows he can't stay with me, so it's not a matter of just leaving it all behind and getting here. I realize it's impractical at this point for anyone to move across the country. But he hasn't mentioned it since. He DID mention or allude to ME coming there, like 'if you started working here, etc.' I just wonder if he had that idea and dropped it. He doesn't seem to be making any moves (that I'm aware of) to get in my direction.

 

However, he has started talking about longer term future plans with me. Now it's plans for the END of the year, not just month(s) ahead. How he wants me to learn how to cook xyz, maybe I can make it for his kids (he brags to everyone about my cooking!). So that's very good. I guess I felt a twinge of hurt that I haven't heard any more about him coming out here. For a little while it was all he could talk about. This is something I need to talk to him about when I see him... just get an idea if that's still on his radar. I WOULD consider moving there, but ONLY if I had a ring and a wedding date. Right now, I don't see that in the near future. His family has very warmly welcomed me, and his friends too. I feel in this relationship there is nothing to hide. It's very real.

 

The money issue. Ok. It's none of my business what his financial situation is. However, irresponsibility and instability financially carries over to everything else. He has already said that he's doing all he can to save money and work as much as possible now to replenish the money spent on his last two trips here, and that he is not sure about the next time he can get out of town yet. I get it; it's friggin expensive. I'm spending hundreds of dollars of my savings to fly to New Orleans for only three days. We do things in love that we normally would not do. So- I've seen his habits and character in this regard on a daily basis, only because I talk to him about everything that's going on. He does not appear to have (currently) a steady, consistent pay from one single job. He's an independent contractor and also works for government contracts. He's recently been picking up some extra cash by a side project (the one that I'm helping him out with).

I have nothing against people who work independently and on a contract basis. How that works is- you don't get paid unless there is work.

Often, I've noticed that he didn't say he worked that day, or he was home doing xyz, etc. But then on other days, he's going to work on this job, has a contract to do xyz for so long, etc. He's highly motivated and ambitious, entrepreneurial. He's not lazy by any means, and that's the main thing I notice. When he does get these big contracts, he works long hours and makes a good living. I remember him saying over there the holidays are really a lull, that's why he could take time off to take these vacations. When I met him he was working a long contract job and had a consistent schedule.

So- maybe I think too much about it; just the fact that he hasn't had that consistency lately just raised a flag for me. I suppose it isn't always like that. But- I'm from a family that is super strict and hard working, all very responsible and regular jobs that bring in a regular paycheck. Your typical 9-5 with full benefits and retirement, life insurance. I do know he has good solid benefits. I think he is definitely motivated and responsible... it just appears that he doesn't always know where his pay is coming from. That's not to say he won't work and find a way, or get the job, because I see that he does that!

I just notice that his work schedule isn't typical and routine. It's just a little cause for concern as a woman trying to determine if this man is husband material. Maybe I equate being the traditional 'breadwinner' like my older generation father figures are- as husband material, when it isn't necessarily true.

I make ok money, nothing great, but I'm also motivated and entrepreneurial so I'm never worried I won't have an income. I guess he could say the same thing. He doesn't have the higher education that I do; his line of work is blue collar. I have no problem with that by any means. I just want to be with a guy who is stable and carries his own weight, and is as responsible with money as possible.

 

On another note, in the past I felt a little uneasy about his ex wife's presence in his life. Now I don't see that she HAS a presence in his life. I haven't thought about it or had any reason to worry about it since I brought it up here months ago. I don't see it as a problem, so no need to even bring it up to him. He has talked about her generally, rarely, never said a bad word about her either, and it seems they are friendly and civil. I'm secure enough about it to not let it bother me anymore. If there was something that bothered me, I would talk to him about it.

 

He sent me a really sweet text not long ago- that he's thinking of me and missing me tonight, that I'm so amazingly beautiful

 

It's common to feel jealousy or insecurity in a LDR. But I don't with him. Maybe I'm being naïve- or maybe I can really trust him, therefore I feel very secure. I can't say that I've ever felt that way in any romantic relationship I've ever had until now. He's strikingly handsome, funny, charming, and a big personality.. so I assumed when we first met that he was a player. But he's not. I'm certain he talks to women and is open and friendly, but he's not pursuing anyone. He's been too absorbed in me. Plus I think he's just as worried about me all the way out here, so he feels he needs to consistently be that 'presence' in my life. I feel that he doesn't let me 'out of his sight', so to speak.

Someone asked me if any guys had approached me recently. I haven't even noticed other men! The answer is NO! The first couple weeks after we met, before he came to visit (way back in October), I was still kinda open and I did flirt back with a guy that I met at a bar. I was attracted to him. He asked for my number, and I gave it to him. He contacted me and I ignored his invitation to more or less 'hang out'. I hate dating. I'm so friggin glad I am not looking anymore. I don't miss it at all. I used to spend a lot of time and money going out and/or trying to meet men. I got off the market and I am so much happier and healthier now.

I just turned a year older and being at home and relaxing, cooking a good meal and being with the one you love at the end of the day is a whole hell of a lot more appealing than my old party and online dating/dating/wondering days. It was so tiring.

[venusishername]

Ok, I need some input guys. We had a tough conversation yesterday. I'm not sure if the distance is getting to me or it's just the time apart... or I'm premenstrual and just got emotional. He said something nonchalantly yesterday: 'You should come to New Orleans next year for your birthday'. Now- that is a basic statement with no hidden meaning behind it. He was simply saying that I should be in NO for my birthday next time. I got real quiet and had a huge lump starting in my throat. I told him that I wasn't sure about that. I said I don't want to be doing this a year from now. I don't want to be dating him living in another city a year from now. I said I wanted more than that, as he was well aware. If he's not in the same mindset, then I understand, but I'm very clear about it. (I'm glad I told him that).

 

He got really sad and serious real quick. He said he knows it's hard being apart, and that we are trying and communicating so he feels good about that. He said that these things take time, neither one of us can pick up and move across the country and it takes time to get settled and prepared too. We haven't been dating even 6 months either, and we're still learning about each other and whether we are compatible. (Insert thought: don't you decide if you're compatible by continuing the relationship, which we have?) Anyway, he said he is happy with the way things are FOR NOW, and I agreed. He doesn't want a long distance relationship either (he didn't actually say that, but I know). But it is what it is. We can make plans like we are to visit. He said something about a 'year', kind of like a timeframe. That's funny he said that, that was my own timeframe too and what Lana suggested also. I guess we are on the same page. I hope.

 

 

My (irrational?) fear is that he wants to keep the distance. Like he wants to have these two cities, the romantic thought of having a girl on the West Coast that he can visit. Do you know what I mean?

 

He then said he wondered if by me saying this that there wasn't any hidden meaning, like was I saying I wanted to date other people, that he didn't want me to be unhappy. I said NO, that's not what I feel at all. I don't want to be with anyone else. I just needed to be sure he knew how I felt about this. I know that he takes the relationship very seriously, and so do I. He said he's staying busy waiting for me until I come in a few weeks. We don't go out anymore and look to meet someone like when we were single. We're both spending a lot more time working on ourselves, delving into hobbies, positive things. I used to go out to bars a lot, most of the time hoping to meet someone. I don't do that anymore since I met him. I'm glad I don't. He said he feels the same. It's been a huge weight off me not looking to meet someone anymore.

So- do you think what I said to him was right, not too soon? What about his response? Should I be worried? How long should I wait? What if he never intends to take things to the next level with me and is just riding this out? Like my last boyfriend did....

 

We talked again after that conversation, texting. I went out last night to celebrate my birthday and was out late. He sent me this longing text, late, saw that I missed his call too. I can tell he really missed me. Maybe because he knew I was out I guess he got a little squirmy too. I feel the same way when I know he's out. Not jealousy, well maybe a little. I drunk dialed him back and left a slurry message. I didn't really want to talk to him drunk like that anyway.

 

I wouldn't consider moving there unless I was marrying him. He doesn't know that, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell him. He already knows that he can't live with me if he moves out here because I don't live with men I'm just dating (anymore). But it IS too soon to be planning to move across the country. He's right. But a YEAR from now? I'm not going to be doing this next year. I guess he knows that now, loud and clear.

So- I hope that sets the boundary and my intention. After that conversation yesterday, he seems to be even more emotional and says how hard it is not being here with me

I wondered sometimes if he felt as I did about it being hard. He seemed to play it off better than I did, until now.

 

Anyway, I'll be there in less than three weeks. I think we will have a lot to talk about, or not. Maybe this next visit will cause things to move forward, or not. After that visit, I told him I can't make any more trips anytime soon. I can't afford it. Once again, the ball is back in his court. Let's see what he does. I can't see him letting me go easily. He wouldn't let the connection drop. He's a romantic and he's in love with me. He'd make things happen. We've already made things happen.

I do know that each time we see each other makes me fall in love with him more, and the time after is devastating for a little while, then I cross off the days on my calendar until I will see him again. We write letters too. He even sent me a poem last month. I'm not normally a card person, but I enjoyed picking out his Valentine's Day card yesterday. I'm so happy to share the holidays with him. This is what I missed.

[Oregon_Dude]

Yikes, what an absolute headache and a nightmare.

 

My advice to you? Don't do LDRs. Find someone you can see every day if you want to. You think the LDR thing is romantic - it's not. It's a way of creating mutual fantasy.

 

This is all way, way, way too much work.

[lana-banana]

I don't know how realistic it is to expect an engagement by the end of the year, and I definitely don't know if it's wise to go from a long-distance relationship to immediately living together. That is a huge change many LDRs don't survive (just look at the LDR forum!). You need time to know each other on a day-to-day basis and establish your own boundaries first. If your relationship progresses and you move to be with him, you should rent your own place for at least six months before moving in together.

 

I do think your fear is irrational, but moreover, I think you're rushing things a bit. The guy is right. It hasn't even been six months! You'd still be learning about each other and your compatibility if you were a normal couple, much less a long-distance one. You still only really know each other's best sides. It's way too soon to be making long-term plans together.

[Leigh 87]

Yikes, what an absolute headache and a nightmare.

 

My advice to you? Don't do LDRs. Find someone you can see every day if you want to. You think the LDR thing is romantic - it's not. It's a way of creating mutual fantasy.

 

This is all way, way, way too much work.

 

Except guys you feel mutual 10/10 chemistry with AND who fall hard for you and your them, is EXCEEDINGLY rare.

 

She probably won't find it for years if she quits this. Just look at her dating journey on here.... she had been searching for YEARS and only EVER came upon: men qho she had the chemistry with that were not that into her OR nice safe guys who adored her yet didn't get her panties wet.

 

It is just way too rare to find electric chemistry with a guy that is actually into you and wanting a relationship.

 

She would 100% have to settle and ditch the fireworks in favour of a guy whom she loves less intensively but adores her, if she ditches this New Orleans guy and waits for someone local for which she can start a family with.

 

It took me 10 years to meet a guy who I had the capacity to fall hard for and who actually wanted to date me seriously. TEN years. AndI am considered attractive and had loads of guys wanting to date me. Many hot. But yeah, high chemistry and compatability are really that rare that is really IS a once in 10 year occurance for many of us.........

[venusishername]

Yikes, what an absolute headache and a nightmare.

My advice to you? Don't do LDRs. Find someone you can see every day if you want to. You think the LDR thing is romantic - it's not. It's a way of creating mutual fantasy.

This is all way, way, way too much work.

 

Who are you to say that about my situation? Trust me, I never wanted or expected to be in a LDR. This relationship feels like a cake walk compared to my past (fake) relationships, even the long term ones. I'd be an idiot to give up on this so easily. Find someone who I can see every day if I want to? Dude- you have no idea how I did try. You make it sound like it's as easy as walking outside and finding someone. Ha!

Despite the distance, this is the easiest relationship I've ever had. There is no drama, uncertainty about interest, or pretenses. There's no wishy-washiness or jealousy. I would say it's a way to create mutual fantasy if you didn't see that person regularly or talk every single day. We've seen each others' quirks and weak spots already. Maybe it would be 'way' too much work for YOU, but walk a mile in my shoes and come back and tell me that.

 

I don't know how realistic it is to expect an engagement by the end of the year, and I definitely don't know if it's wise to go from a long-distance relationship to immediately living together. That is a huge change many LDRs don't survive (just look at the LDR forum!). You need time to know each other on a day-to-day basis and establish your own boundaries first. If your relationship progresses and you move to be with him, you should rent your own place for at least six months before moving in together.

 

I do think your fear is irrational, but moreover, I think you're rushing things a bit. The guy is right. It hasn't even been six months! You'd still be learning about each other and your compatibility if you were a normal couple, much less a long-distance one. You still only really know each other's best sides. It's way too soon to be making long-term plans together.

 

Thanks, Lana. I think so too that it IS too soon; I would feel it would be too soon even if we did live in the same city, to 'take it to the next level' so to speak. It just struck a chord with me when he said what he did about me coming there next year, as though we would still be long distance. I think my biological clock is just getting really loud lately. All my girlfriends except one or two is married, having their kids, or engaged. I really want that too. At 23, the last time I started a long term relationship, I didn't even think about this stuff. Now is a different story. I had time to kill back then. I really don't want to now.

I think you have the right idea about if I were to move there, to get my own place first. But I'm really, really firm in that I'm not going ANYWHERE, not even to get my own place... unless I have a ring on it and wedding invitations are out. I won't budge on that. He doesn't know that, and I think too soon to talk about it. I just can't stand the thought of dating someone for a year or more and it not getting to the next level.

My last boyfriend strung me along for 4 years; I don't think he ever intended to marry me either. I won't let that happen to me again. I know that living together was the biggest mistake I made in that. Had I not lived with him after a year of dating, I bet I wouldn't have been with him so long, waiting for things to improve. I also think that if I had not lived with him, he would have been much more likely to propose. If I ever have a daughter... I'd do everything I could to discourage her from moving in with someone before marriage. It's a huge no-no for me. I've seen it work for a couple people, but that's rare. I refuse to do it.

Ha- speaking of marriage... my first boyfriend proposed, ring and all, after we had been broken up for a month in an effort to win me back. I said no.

My long time best guy friend said he wanted me to be happy, but that he was ready to marry me and he'd take care of me for the rest of my life. I didn't take him seriously, and I wouldn't marry him because I didn't feel romantically towards him. Now he's totally happy and engaged. I'm thrilled for him because he deserves it. Marriage has been close for me. It does take time and a lot of getting to know. I'm still getting to know my guy, and there's some things I've mentioned already that are kind of some yellow flags, boundaries need to be established, etc. I may want to get married and have my family, but I need to be real sure I found the right partner. His potential irresponsibility with money is a red flag for me. Also that he had two kids and didn't marry the mother...another red flag. I mean, I'm not judging, because I know a lot of people who didn't marry the mother or father of their kid(s). I mean my own family members have three or four kids with two different fathers. That's not a deal breaker.. it just makes me think that maybe he doesn't take marriage seriously as I do? But then again he was married before. Ugh. I think I'm just hypersensitive and very selective now. And rushing things. I need to slow down.

 

 

Except guys you feel mutual 10/10 chemistry with AND who fall hard for you and your them, is EXCEEDINGLY rare.

 

She probably won't find it for years if she quits this. Just look at her dating journey on here.... she had been searching for YEARS and only EVER came upon: men qho she had the chemistry with that were not that into her OR nice safe guys who adored her yet didn't get her panties wet.

 

It is just way too rare to find electric chemistry with a guy that is actually into you and wanting a relationship.

 

She would 100% have to settle and ditch the fireworks in favour of a guy whom she loves less intensively but adores her, if she ditches this New Orleans guy and waits for someone local for which she can start a family with.

 

It took me 10 years to meet a guy who I had the capacity to fall hard for and who actually wanted to date me seriously. TEN years. AndI am considered attractive and had loads of guys wanting to date me. Many hot. But yeah, high chemistry and compatability are really that rare that is really IS a once in 10 year occurance for many of us.........

Exactly, Leigh. It took me hmmm... 8 years to find it again. As you say, I think being attractive has absolutely NOTHING to do with finding someone you are compatible with. I'm considered attractive and I've dated hot guys too. That's irrelevant, isn't it?

And the thing is, this guy DOES adore me. I KNOW and knew I wouldn't have to settle. I didn't believe people on here when they told me that I needed to wait for the 'slow burn' and to go for the nice, safe guy. That doesn't matter. What matters if someone respects and treats you the way you deserve to be treated, who doesn't leave you wondering or insecure of how he feels about you. You can also have that with hot passion. Case in point with this relationship.

My guy has NEVER yet dropped the ball on pursuing me, contacting me, and actually PROVING that he wants to be together. I wouldn't trade that for any nice, safe guy who didn't give me butterflies. One guy I dated over the summertime this past year was that nice, safe guy you mention. He was a doll. He did all the right things. He was respectful, he was in awe of me, he was a gentleman and cute, he was a catch. I just didn't feel that spark. I didn't get excited by him. He didn't have the passion that I require. On the other hand, my guy does all the same things as that guy, but above and beyond, plus my guy has loads of passion. Our first date was on fire. We were like magnets, unable to keep our hands off each other. That night when we were saying goodbye, we were groping and making out for three hours. The way he touched me was just how I wanted to be touched. And when we finally slept together, I already knew how hot it would be. And granted, we haven't had much sex compared to if we were in the same city, but it is friggin off the charts. There is a lot of passion and excitement between us, and romance. I haven't found that in... well, over 8 years. I'm gonna hang on to it. That's not something I'm willing to walk away from so easily because he's fulfilling so many of my emotional needs as well as physical. I mean, sorry for TMI... but I've never had such amazing sex. It's really f-ing amazing. Even the way he talks to me, touches me, everything. We had sex in the backseat of my car in a parking lot when he was here last time. Come on. That's pretty hot. You can't find that sexual chemistry every day. It is very hard to find. I've had great sex before but this is above and beyond anything I've experienced. He just has to look at me and he gets hungry for me and has no problem just going for it. I need a man like that. It's awesome I hope this is not too X-rated for LoveShack, (apologies in advance) but never before have I felt so turned on by the though of him coming inside me. And he has said the same. It's such a primal thing, of course we would want that. I've never felt so strongly about it before though. It's like I WANT it. And he wants it too. He talks about it a lot.! I realize this is completely normal and biological. It's just cool to feel that way mutually and to be able to talk about it.

 

 

There is something to be said about that slight feeling of angst and torment in love. It can't be all so easy and predictable. It's often the challenge that makes these things so appealing. The longing and the emotion that is so nonexistent in most every day relationships is what fuels the fire. I remember the times apart in my past relationships... there were very high emotions, so much longing, sadness, excitement to be together again, a little pain that came along with the uncertainty. I feel it again now. It can't last forever of course... but I think the times apart makes the relationship that much deeper, if it's real. I hope that is the case here. I felt after our phone call yesterday morning, as the day went on his emotions were running higher than usual towards me. He seemed to be having a harder time than he's shown me yet, to be away from me.

Edited January 25, 2016 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

I think you have the right idea about if I were to move there, to get my own place first. But I'm really, really firm in that I'm not going ANYWHERE, not even to get my own place... unless I have a ring on it and wedding invitations are out. I won't budge on that. He doesn't know that, and I think too soon to talk about it. I just can't stand the thought of dating someone for a year or more and it not getting to the next level.

My last boyfriend strung me along for 4 years; I don't think he ever intended to marry me either. I won't let that happen to me again. I know that living together was the biggest mistake I made in that. Had I not lived with him after a year of dating, I bet I wouldn't have been with him so long, waiting for things to improve. I also think that if I had not lived with him, he would have been much more likely to propose. If I ever have a daughter... I'd do everything I could to discourage her from moving in with someone before marriage. It's a huge no-no for me. I've seen it work for a couple people, but that's rare. I refuse to do it.

 

So here's the thing. In an "ordinary" relationship I would complete agree with your stance above. Statistics suggest moving in before marriage works best when the couple already has concrete plans to marry (e.g. "we'll move in and get engaged X months from now"). I agree that a conventional couple should avoid moving in together unless they're both quite serious about marriage, and even then only for the short term.

 

However, you're not in a conventional relationship. You guys still don't really know each other on a day-to-day basis. Your no-moving-before-marriage policy effectively means that 1) he has to move to be with you and/or 2) he has to commit to marrying you before he knows how you handle everyday stresses in a relationship. I salute you for having boundaries, but those are some pretty harsh sticking points. What if he can't find steady work where you are? What if it makes more financial sense for you to be with him? And what if you get engaged, move out there to be with him, and discover you absolutely, positively cannot live with this man?

 

Like he said, it takes months to make plans and move, particularly when there are children involved (grown or not, kids have a huge influence). I also think your timeline is made more unreasonable by the simple financial realities of your relationship. You say his work schedule is unpredictable and you can't always afford to spend a couple hundred bucks to see each other every few months. Just getting out there to propose, and assuming he spends $200 for a CZ ring, may take many months of saving---and this is AFTER he's already decided he definitely wants to marry you, which is most likely months down the line.

 

Your relationship appears to be going quite well and at a pretty accelerated rate already. Try to minimize your worrying if you can and just let things be. He'll be ready at his own pace.

[venusishername]

So here's the thing. In an "ordinary" relationship I would complete agree with your stance above. Statistics suggest moving in before marriage works best when the couple already has concrete plans to marry (e.g. "we'll move in and get engaged X months from now"). I agree that a conventional couple should avoid moving in together unless they're both quite serious about marriage, and even then only for the short term.

 

However, you're not in a conventional relationship. You guys still don't really know each other on a day-to-day basis. Your no-moving-before-marriage policy effectively means that 1) he has to move to be with you and/or 2) he has to commit to marrying you before he knows how you handle everyday stresses in a relationship. I salute you for having boundaries, but those are some pretty harsh sticking points. What if he can't find steady work where you are? What if it makes more financial sense for you to be with him? And what if you get engaged, move out there to be with him, and discover you absolutely, positively cannot live with this man?

 

Like he said, it takes months to make plans and move, particularly when there are children involved (grown or not, kids have a huge influence). I also think your timeline is made more unreasonable by the simple financial realities of your relationship. You say his work schedule is unpredictable and you can't always afford to spend a couple hundred bucks to see each other every few months. Just getting out there to propose, and assuming he spends $200 for a CZ ring, may take many months of saving---and this is AFTER he's already decided he definitely wants to marry you, which is most likely months down the line.

 

Your relationship appears to be going quite well and at a pretty accelerated rate already. Try to minimize your worrying if you can and just let things be. He'll be ready at his own pace.

 

Ok, I can see your point. It would take a lot for either one of us to move in this situation. It isn't a conventional relationship. Your comment about $200 on a CZ ring make me laugh a little though. Not sure it would come to that, but that's neither here nor there.

Yeah, neither one of us can comfortably afford to take vacations every 2 months. I really don't know many people who can do this, actually. The flight alone is hundreds of dollars. We are basically on opposite sides of the country. After my upcoming trip there in a few weeks...we haven't yet talked about any concrete plans after that. He's mentioned a couple ideas, but nothing for sure. I'm certain that after my next visit, something will be planned again soon, on his end. I'm curious to see what happens next.

On the other hand, this time together every 6 weeks has been our getting to know the 'days in and days out' that we would have if we did live in the same city. Every day that we talk, we are getting to know more and it's "growing" like he said. We've seen each others' weak spots, sticking points, frustrations, disappointments already. It hasn't all been a fantasy.

 

I think that the first time he came to visit.. I was much more uncertain about how it would be outside of that whirlwind romantic 24 hours in New Orleans. How could that carry over to real life? (I thought at the time). But it did!! I used to think- New Orleans is such a romantic place.. probably the most romantic place I've been to in the States... that would be hard to top. But even something as simple as staying in a bed and breakfast with his son was incredibly romantic. He makes me feel like a queen in the castle. He really knows how to treat a woman, I give him an A+.

Ha- when he was here at my place the first time, I made dinner at home and he was trying to help in the kitchen but I shooed him out. I turned around and he had set up my table with all the candles he could find, poured wine, and was sitting there waiting for me to join him. He was so amazed by my cooking that he said 'Mmmm... I really love your cooking... this is the best.... I think now I'm going to have to keep you in my castle!" Adorable. I didn't take it as a sexist remark because he isn't sexist. He just meant that he wanted me in his home. Since we never had a real, sit down date before that... that was a very special night, to be home, cooking dinner for someone I was in love with, and holding hands across the table and talking.

When I saw him the first night of our last visit, we were sitting at a bar table with our legs and hands intertwined, as close as we possibly could be sitting. It was clear we are totally in love.

 

He was talking tonight about when he met my dad; that my dad said that he could see that I am happy, and therefore he liked my guy. I didn't remember him saying that but R did, and he really took that to heart. Maybe he respects that more because he's a father too, but it really showed me how deeply he cares for me to take note of that. He does truly care about my happiness. He really does respect and values me. And I know that makes me want to be more open and trusting of him, of course!

 

I know it's corny, but he makes me want to be a better version of myself. He said the same about me, even very early on. He's been very motivated to be a better man because of me, he said. No one has ever said that to me before; that's how I know this has staying power and is much more than your every day LDR, or even your every day dating relationship.

 

I'm not sure how we can bridge the distance, considering I'm not willing to move there unless I am engaged to him. All I can do is tell him how I feel about it when the time is right.

 

I just have to comment- despite the shortcomings of this long distance relationship, and my concerns about the financial strains, somehow every time I start feeling antsy or uncertain, like the other day, he says or does something to completely ease my mind. This morning we were texting, and he said something about the work he was doing on his house, that he was 'getting my castle ready for you.' ! I thought that was so sweet. How could I ever feel doubts when he says things like that?! He still wants me to be in his home. He wants me to be with him.

 

I had a hard day and called to talk. He didn't pick up so I left a message. I was venting and felt cranky and in a bad mood. I was all fired up about some stuff that happened today with a friend/work/life. He told me that he liked hearing my message, to please call him any time I felt upset or wanted to vent. How he liked seeing me take charge and showing my emotions. Geez. I've never been with a guy who said that. They were all too immature. He makes me feel empowered and as though I can be totally free and open. He's encouraging to me to voice my opinions and stand up for myself. I know that sounds like a basic thing that all people should do for one another. But I've been with men who put me down and/or get all intimidated by my strength and emotions. I'm used to men getting bruised egos or whatever by me being strong. He makes me feel totally validated emotionally. That is very special, and I recognize that. Not too many people I can say that about in my life, men or women.

 

And Lana- do you really think that this is all moving along at an 'accelerated pace'? I used to think so in the beginning, but now I don't feel that way. I would say that our relationship really has grown deeper, that's for sure. After the past couple days... it feels to me as if we really have a firm foundation, and as good friends too. That's so great. We are friends. I feel so comfortable just being open with him....that's what I've been missing for so long! I told him that tonight.. how I'm so glad that I have him in my life, that it takes a lot of trust to be able to be so open. He said the same . And at this point, he has earned my trust.

 

I just had to gush a little. I love him, guys!

Edited January 26, 2016 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

I do think your relationship is moving quite fast. Saying "I love you" before you've even been dating three months is lightning fast by anyone's pacing, and especially in a long-distance relationship. I think it's not a good idea to say that too early because it creates pressure for the other person to reciprocate and effectively forces a sense of intimacy that may not be there naturally.

 

This guy sounds great, Venus, but I'm struck by how exceptional this is for you. He treats you with the sweetness and decency I'd expect from any partner in a healthy relationship, but you gush over how no one has ever treated you that way before. If no one has ever said you make him a better man or that he wants to hear your emotions and opinions, you really have been dating the wrong kinds of guys! Cherish this one and love him to pieces, and remember all the good things he does, because you don't deserve anything less.

 

Ok, I can see your point. It would take a lot for either one of us to move in this situation. It isn't a conventional relationship. Your comment about $200 on a CZ ring make me laugh a little though. Not sure it would come to that, but that's neither here nor there.

 

I hate to say this because it might make you worry about something that shouldn't even be on your mind right now, but it's part of why I said your timeline may not be entirely realistic. If you are completely literal about needing a ring on it before you move out there, he will probably need six to twelve months more once you've decided you want to get married before he's ready to propose, if only so he can save up the money. Diamonds (which you said you wanted) are not cheap*, and this guy's financial situation will not allow him to buy a ring with credit. Put all that on top of determining where to live and what to do for work and you're looking at probably another six months to a year. Unless the couple has ample cash resources and is in fortuitous places in their careers, everyone experiences some delay between "I'm ready to get engaged" and "we're engaged"---and you two are still far from even being ready to get engaged! So just sit back and relax. The future is a long way off.

 

 

* = Take it from someone looking at rings right now! Yikes!

Edited January 26, 2016 by lana-banana

[venusishername]

I do think your relationship is moving quite fast. Saying "I love you" before you've even been dating three months is lightning fast by anyone's pacing, and especially in a long-distance relationship. I think it's not a good idea to say that too early because it creates pressure for the other person to reciprocate and effectively forces a sense of intimacy that may not be there naturally.

 

This guy sounds great, Venus, but I'm struck by how exceptional this is for you. He treats you with the sweetness and decency I'd expect from any partner in a healthy relationship, but you gush over how no one has ever treated you that way before. If no one has ever said you make him a better man or that he wants to hear your emotions and opinions, you really have been dating the wrong kinds of guys! Cherish this one and love him to pieces, and remember all the good things he does, because you don't deserve anything less.

 

I hate to say this because it might make you worry about something that shouldn't even be on your mind right now, but it's part of why I said your timeline may not be entirely realistic. If you are completely literal about needing a ring on it before you move out there, he will probably need six to twelve months more once you've decided you want to get married before he's ready to propose, if only so he can save up the money. Diamonds (which you said you wanted) are not cheap*, and this guy's financial situation will not allow him to buy a ring with credit. Put all that on top of determining where to live and what to do for work and you're looking at probably another six months to a year. Unless the couple has ample cash resources and is in fortuitous places in their careers, everyone experiences some delay between "I'm ready to get engaged" and "we're engaged"---and you two are still far from even being ready to get engaged! So just sit back and relax. The future is a long way off.

 

* = Take it from someone looking at rings right now! Yikes!

 

Congrats on the ring shopping! Lucky you! And I have some experience and background in jewelry, actually, so I know the cost of diamonds and precious metals! Coincidentally, my family is connected to jewelers so we have an 'in' I've had my ring design picked out for some time. Maybe someday I'll get it.

 

 

I dunno... I don't feel three months is too soon to say I love you. My other relationships that actually got off the ground were about the same. I guess when I get involved with someone, it's all in, or nothing. That has seemed to be the norm for me in my past with boyfriends. This guy has been quick from the start... I attributed that to the fact that he's just a very open and honest person, very genuine. I figured he must mean what he says and he does really want to be with me because he's so transparent about his feelings towards me.

 

And yes, as sad as it is, this is the first HEALTHY long term relationship I have been in, where the man (not boy) is showing me respect, understanding, and encouragement. In fact, I feel as if he truly cherishes me. The past relationships I was involved in would never be today. As I said, I was in abusive relationships before, so respect was not a factor in those, obviously. So- it is 'exceptional' to me in that no one that I opened my heart to before has been so good to me as he has. It's almost as if he's opened my eyes as to what I really deserve. And that is wonderful, and I won't ever settle for anything less.

 

We have two weeks from today until I get there. He's planning and getting ready for my visit. It's such a short time. It's going to be hard but I'm going to enjoy every second. This was an impulsive decision on my part to go there. All in the name of being with my Valentine.

 

Sometimes there is a lull where we don't communicate as often. Over the past few days, I noticed he hasn't been initiating as much as before. Maybe it's just an off week, he's been preoccupied with a project he's working on. He still calls me every night though. If I text at the end of the night, he'll call just to hear my voice. It's getting late tonight but I'm not too worried. I'll hear from him. I've never been insecure about the times that I don't hear from him. It's never long until I do.

See, this is where I flip flop. Sometimes I feel great uncertainty about this relationship and if it can last; if he is someone that I want to dedicate more time, money, feelings, etc. to. The distance will break the relationship if it's not strong enough. And I've already talked about the timeline for closing the distance. Even though we have up days, and when we're together I have no doubt... it's times like this when we are apart and no communication, no interaction face to face that I feel the doubts.

 

 

Here are my doubts/fears/concerns:

1. That time apart will break the connection; one of us will meet someone else and find it easier or more to our liking to just get involved with someone in our own city, whom we can actually go on dates with and sleep with regularly, rather than waiting 4-6 weeks or more, having a long distance relationship. A LDR is only romantic in the beginning. After that, it takes a toll and you end up wanting more. At least I do.

2. That he has no intention of ever making this a non-long distance relationship and just likes the idea of having a girl in *my state* that he can come visit when he decides to come here. (I don't know why I'm so cynical).

3. His financial security worries me. He is certainly not lazy *whew! that would be a dealbreaker for sure* but from what I've seen, he doesn't make much money to begin with, and he maxxed out a credit card when he was here for the trip, he claimed a couple times to be 'broke', and recently he's been out of regular, steady work. It is not always like that, he said. It's a slow time over the holidays, he's getting out there and putting in the effort to get the jobs. He's basically a contractor. He gets big jobs through the union (which he was working on when I met him during the first month), but it's only for months at a time, then time off. The money is good on those jobs and he works long hours then, he says. On the side, he does independent contracting, so he has to go FIND that work, doing projects in residential construction, etc.. On top of that he's entrepreneurial as I've discovered, so he always does what he can to make side income in the ways that many people I know do (legit means of course!!) So... he's not lazy by any means. I wouldn't be with him if he was. He just doesn't appear to have a steady paycheck. I think because of my upbringing, experience with my lazy ass ex boyfriend and myself placing a high value on the 9-5 with full benefits.... I'm not sure I could be partnered with someone for the rest of my life who appears to be on his last dollar. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. He just doesn't seem to have the financial security I was hoping for.

 

On the other hand, I have to laugh a little... he's just a simple guy and he doesn't have all the sophistication, education, and style the men I thought I'd end up with have. I work in an office, there are many highly educated and well off men in my field. I always thought I'd be with one of those kinds of guys. I could never see him working at a desk job, white collar, six figure income. He's the guy who grew up hunting, fishing, driving a truck and wrestling alligators in the swamps. He's different than any other guy I've met before. He worries sometimes I think he's a hillbilly because he's from New Orleans. He's rough around the edges. He mixes all of his food together on his plate and has terrible table manners. He's a mess. He's the friend you just can't take anywhere, but in an adorable way.

 

But then again, he's the guy who opens every door, fawns over me, is really a gentleman, he's got that old fashioned chivalry I just never did find out here in the West . He's got solid family values, unshakeable actually, which makes me see him as father and husband material. He's the guy that pulls me in to dance with him in the kitchen when a love song comes on, and the kind that feeds you breakfast in bed. He's the kind that would never make me feel insecure about my safety or being left to fend for myself.

We did just talk tonight. He actually mentioned the idea of him coming out here again, I hadn't heard him mention that for a little while. I guess he still has it in the back of his mind. I told him not to worry about that now, we can talk about it when I get over there. There is time, and I don't want to neglect this important part of getting to know that we are doing. I just feel in a rush sometimes to get my own family started. Now that I found someone I actually could see that with.

One visit at a time. Plus, I know that these daily talks are what really is creating a good foundation.

Edited January 30, 2016 by venusishername

[venusishername]

I'm starting to lose my nerve again. It's not too much longer until I'm there, and just like before, I'm getting nervous about being with him again (like sexually... well, maybe that's partly excitement too).

 

I was like this the last two times. It's a lot of anxiety. I'm doing my best to chill out and trust. I have no clue yet what the next plan is to meet after this next visit. I feel like every time I've ever seen him, even the night we met... that I may never see him again. And I very well may not. Anything could happen. I want to continue this; as I've talked about I have some concerns... but then again I could not be more clear that he cares for and cherishes me. We are still getting to know, but he tells me his feelings are growing stronger for me and I can see that.

 

On the other hand.. this past week has made me feel incredibly antsy, maybe on top of my anxiety about the trip. He hasn't initiated as frequently as before. Sometimes a whole day will pass before I hear from him; I mean the daylight hours. We still talk every night. Maybe I feel insecure that he's not contacting me all throughout the day like he sometimes does. I can't help but feel insecure and like every NON-action counts...BECAUSE this is a LDR. I know he thinks about me all the time, but he's not showing it as much as he used to. Or maybe I'm just hypersensitive. I just have noticed lately that he doesn't text me as often throughout the day. Yet, he'll always initiate calling me at the end of every day. He's never let 24 hours pass since he met me (wow, almost 4 months ago!!) that we don't communicate.

 

I realize that he is a prospect, and we are in love, and this appears to be serious... but I just can't see myself ever getting married and having that family I want. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself. But this is my time! I have to do it now. I won't have this chance again. I'm 32 now, and I don't want to be alone anymore. I know he cares for me and he has very strong feelings, but what if he has no intention of ever taking this to the next level? I mean, things happen, especially in a LDR... here I am, already nervous that he might be slipping away from me. I'm not contacting him tonight, because I almost feel too vulnerable to let it show.

 

If and when I hear from him tonight (it's usually around this time)- I thought about making him squirm a little by not answering him. Then he could feel as unsettled as I do, wondering what I'm doing or if I'm on his mind.

 

Then I flip flop; I had this moment of confidence recently where I thought to myself 'you know what, I'm really secure in this relationship, mainly because I trust myself. He wouldn't let me get away from him so easily. He wouldn't let it drop. After all this and all the emotion... we are/fell in love....I KNOW he wouldn't let this go without a fight.' So, sometimes I know I have very little to worry about.

 

I just need some reassurance. I know I can't force or rush anything. I just want to get out of this long distance. I want to go on regular dates with my boyfriend. I want to get to know him on a daily basis, face to face.

Now that we've spent the intimate times together (I'm not talking about sex)- I can't explain how badly I want those moments all the time with him. So we try- we video chat doing those day to day things that connect us, we talk daily. It's just not enough sometimes, although we do try.

I guess we somehow both just started doing this because we felt it was worth it. And now after getting to know better, we think it's worth it MORE... I guess that's the best I can hope for right now.

 

Edited February 2, 2016 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

Your anxiety is completely understandable, reasonable, and rational. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about the situation. This guy could be the start of your happily ever after, but you need to accept it's not going to happen according to your timeline. It will probably be another year or so before you're both ready (financially and emotionally) to be together on a daily basis. If you really love this man you need to take some deep breaths and settle in for the long haul.

[clia]

Here are my doubts/fears/concerns:

1. That time apart will break the connection; one of us will meet someone else and find it easier or more to our liking to just get involved with someone in our own city, whom we can actually go on dates with and sleep with regularly, rather than waiting 4-6 weeks or more, having a long distance relationship. A LDR is only romantic in the beginning. After that, it takes a toll and you end up wanting more. At least I do.

 

I haven't been in an LDR since college, but I would think these types of insecurities are normal, as is how you are feeling now (in your more recent post.) Unfortunately, you have a fair amount of time before the two of you can even hope to be living together in the same city, so I guess you have to get used to it.

 

Just remember that every relationship has a honeymoon period! Everything slows down. So, the fact that he isn't contacting you as much isn't necessarily a cause for concern. It's getting comfortable in the relationship.

 

2. That he has no intention of ever making this a non-long distance relationship and just likes the idea of having a girl in *my state* that he can come visit when he decides to come here. (I don't know why I'm so cynical).

 

Well, I'm cynical, too! And given that you are 32, I would put an internal timeframe on how long you are willing to do this LDR thing. I personally wouldn't be willing to do it for long if it seemed that being in the same city wasn't feasible. Whether you give it six months or a year or whatever before a serious plan is in place and you can see light at the end of the tunnel is for you to decide. But you really don't want to waste your time.

 

3. His financial security worries me. He is certainly not lazy *whew! that would be a dealbreaker for sure* but from what I've seen, he doesn't make much money to begin with, and he maxxed out a credit card when he was here for the trip, he claimed a couple times to be 'broke', and recently he's been out of regular, steady work. It is not always like that, he said. It's a slow time over the holidays, he's getting out there and putting in the effort to get the jobs. He's basically a contractor. He gets big jobs through the union (which he was working on when I met him during the first month), but it's only for months at a time, then time off. The money is good on those jobs and he works long hours then, he says. On the side, he does independent contracting, so he has to go FIND that work, doing projects in residential construction, etc.. On top of that he's entrepreneurial as I've discovered, so he always does what he can to make side income in the ways that many people I know do (legit means of course!!) So... he's not lazy by any means. I wouldn't be with him if he was. He just doesn't appear to have a steady paycheck. I think because of my upbringing, experience with my lazy ass ex boyfriend and myself placing a high value on the 9-5 with full benefits.... I'm not sure I could be partnered with someone for the rest of my life who appears to be on his last dollar. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. He just doesn't seem to have the financial security I was hoping for.

 

Yeah, this is kind of a big deal. I'm concerned that he maxxed out his credit card to visit you. In my opinion, that doesn't show good judgment. But maybe he's a romantic kind of guy who threw away logic! Doing that once...okay...but if he's already talking about coming to see you again...has he paid off that credit card, or reduced the balance? I would be concerned. If you get married, while his credit cards aren't technically your problem, he has to pay them off, so it's his problem, which becomes your problem because the money he's putting there can't be used for your joint marital expenses.

 

On the plus side, he seems to have always been able to make it work with his job and lifestyle, for himself. But I don't know if that lifestyle is the lifestyle you want to live. And you really should think long and hard about this. If you want to travel, go out for nice dinners, buy a nice home, etc., that stuff may not be in your future if you decide on this guy. When you are in the honeymoon stage, you may be able to convince yourself that all of that doesn't matter, but five years down the road when you are sitting in a mediocre house that you can't afford to renovate the way you really want and cooking dinner at home most nights or eating out at mediocre places because you can't afford to dine out...you may think differently.

 

On the other hand, I have to laugh a little... he's just a simple guy and he doesn't have all the sophistication, education, and style the men I thought I'd end up with have. I work in an office, there are many highly educated and well off men in my field. I always thought I'd be with one of those kinds of guys. I could never see him working at a desk job, white collar, six figure income. He's the guy who grew up hunting, fishing, driving a truck and wrestling alligators in the swamps. He's different than any other guy I've met before. He worries sometimes I think he's a hillbilly because he's from New Orleans. He's rough around the edges. He mixes all of his food together on his plate and has terrible table manners. He's a mess. He's the friend you just can't take anywhere, but in an adorable way.

 

And again, I'm not trying to discount all of his good qualities, because I know he has a lot of them! And I DO think it's worth valuing the values that matter, but...you two have a lot of differences. And going forward in your life, whether he moves to you or you move to him, you are going to have to integrate him with your friends, family, coworkers, etc. Are you comfortable with that? Do the rough edges matter? Try to think five years from now versus right now, when you think all of the rough edges are still charming.

 

But then again, he's the guy who opens every door, fawns over me, is really a gentleman, he's got that old fashioned chivalry I just never did find out here in the West . He's got solid family values, unshakeable actually, which makes me see him as father and husband material. He's the guy that pulls me in to dance with him in the kitchen when a love song comes on, and the kind that feeds you breakfast in bed. He's the kind that would never make me feel insecure about my safety or being left to fend for myself.

 

This is all great, wonderful stuff, that is really important. Really important. BUT...it doesn't pay the bills. It doesn't necessarily give you a certain lifestyle, if you want that. So, you need to decide what is most important to you about your life going forward. Is it dancing in any old kitchen, or dancing in a really nice kitchen?

 

We did just talk tonight. He actually mentioned the idea of him coming out here again, I hadn't heard him mention that for a little while. I guess he still has it in the back of his mind.

 

Does he have the money to visit again?

[GildedLily]

I haven't been in an LDR since college, but I would think these types of insecurities are normal, as is how you are feeling now (in your more recent post.) Unfortunately, you have a fair amount of time before the two of you can even hope to be living together in the same city, so I guess you have to get used to it.

 

Just remember that every relationship has a honeymoon period! Everything slows down. So, the fact that he isn't contacting you as much isn't necessarily a cause for concern. It's getting comfortable in the relationship.

 

 

 

Well, I'm cynical, too! And given that you are 32, I would put an internal timeframe on how long you are willing to do this LDR thing. I personally wouldn't be willing to do it for long if it seemed that being in the same city wasn't feasible. Whether you give it six months or a year or whatever before a serious plan is in place and you can see light at the end of the tunnel is for you to decide. But you really don't want to waste your time.

 

 

 

Yeah, this is kind of a big deal. I'm concerned that he maxxed out his credit card to visit you. In my opinion, that doesn't show good judgment. But maybe he's a romantic kind of guy who threw away logic! Doing that once...okay...but if he's already talking about coming to see you again...has he paid off that credit card, or reduced the balance? I would be concerned. If you get married, while his credit cards aren't technically your problem, he has to pay them off, so it's his problem, which becomes your problem because the money he's putting there can't be used for your joint marital expenses.

 

On the plus side, he seems to have always been able to make it work with his job and lifestyle, for himself. But I don't know if that lifestyle is the lifestyle you want to live. And you really should think long and hard about this. If you want to travel, go out for nice dinners, buy a nice home, etc., that stuff may not be in your future if you decide on this guy. When you are in the honeymoon stage, you may be able to convince yourself that all of that doesn't matter, but five years down the road when you are sitting in a mediocre house that you can't afford to renovate the way you really want and cooking dinner at home most nights or eating out at mediocre places because you can't afford to dine out...you may think differently.

 

 

^^^^ this is so right on; said it better than I could..

[Eighty_nine]

Venus, you seem to be very traditional in your priorities; marriage before babies or living together. Which is fine, but it limits options for things to work out long-term here. I'm just wondering, why haven't you talked to him about what you mention here, what you're hoping this will lead to? Normally yes, I'd agree this is too early, but in this case it's different. It would be a huge let down to keep investing time, energy and money into this relationship for months only to find it's not going to lead where you want it to. Or maybe you've had this discussion and I missed it? I.e. Who could move where, when, and does he know you have to be married before you'd consider living together? If you haven't discussed these things in detail, I think you should when you see him for Valentine's Day.

[lana-banana]

Venus, you seem to be very traditional in your priorities; marriage before babies or living together. Which is fine, but it limits options for things to work out long-term here. I'm just wondering, why haven't you talked to him about what you mention here, what you're hoping this will lead to? Normally yes, I'd agree this is too early, but in this case it's different. It would be a huge let down to keep investing time, energy and money into this relationship for months only to find it's not going to lead where you want it to. Or maybe you've had this discussion and I missed it? I.e. Who could move where, when, and does he know you have to be married before you'd consider living together? If you haven't discussed these things in detail, I think you should when you see him for Valentine's Day.

 

I agree with part of this. She absolutely should mention she won't move in together prior to an engagement. She doesn't have to even say it directly; she can just raise it as a casual fact while talking about lessons learned from past relationships or something. However, I don't think it's a good idea to establish who's moving where and when right now. Just two weeks ago Venus told us he said this:

 

I said I don't want to be doing this a year from now. I don't want to be dating him living in another city a year from now. I said I wanted more than that, as he was well aware. If he's not in the same mindset, then I understand, but I'm very clear about it. (I'm glad I told him that).

 

He got really sad and serious real quick. He said he knows it's hard being apart, and that we are trying and communicating so he feels good about that. He said that these things take time, neither one of us can pick up and move across the country and it takes time to get settled and prepared too. We haven't been dating even 6 months either, and we're still learning about each other and whether we are compatible. (Insert thought: don't you decide if you're compatible by continuing the relationship, which we have?) Anyway, he said he is happy with the way things are FOR NOW, and I agreed.

 

---which leads me to believe he's simply not ready to establish a timeline yet. (Four months into a relationship, especially a long-distance one, I wouldn't be either.) She should wait for him to raise the subject. If he's serious and committed, and it sounds like he is, he'll do it eventually. Just not yet.

[lana-banana]

Venus, you seem to be very traditional in your priorities; marriage before babies or living together. Which is fine, but it limits options for things to work out long-term here. I'm just wondering, why haven't you talked to him about what you mention here, what you're hoping this will lead to? Normally yes, I'd agree this is too early, but in this case it's different. It would be a huge let down to keep investing time, energy and money into this relationship for months only to find it's not going to lead where you want it to. Or maybe you've had this discussion and I missed it? I.e. Who could move where, when, and does he know you have to be married before you'd consider living together? If you haven't discussed these things in detail, I think you should when you see him for Valentine's Day.

 

I agree with about half of this. She absolutely should mention she won't move in together prior to an engagement. She doesn't have to even say it directly; she can just raise it as a casual fact while talking about lessons learned from past relationships or something. However, I don't think it's a good idea to establish who's moving where and when right now. Just two weeks ago Venus told us he said this:

 

I said I don't want to be doing this a year from now. I don't want to be dating him living in another city a year from now. I said I wanted more than that, as he was well aware. If he's not in the same mindset, then I understand, but I'm very clear about it. (I'm glad I told him that).

 

He got really sad and serious real quick. He said he knows it's hard being apart, and that we are trying and communicating so he feels good about that. He said that these things take time, neither one of us can pick up and move across the country and it takes time to get settled and prepared too. We haven't been dating even 6 months either, and we're still learning about each other and whether we are compatible. (Insert thought: don't you decide if you're compatible by continuing the relationship, which we have?) Anyway, he said he is happy with the way things are FOR NOW, and I agreed.

 

---which leads me to believe he's simply not ready to establish a timeline yet. (Four months into a relationship, especially a long-distance one, I wouldn't be either.) She should wait for him to raise the subject. If he's serious and committed, and it sounds like he is, he'll do it eventually. Just not yet.

[Erdbeere]

I have just started to read this thread, and it makes for a great read. Thanks for being so open, honest and expressive. It's really easy to relate to your thoughts, and to relate to your journey. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

[venusishername]

And given that you are 32, I would put an internal timeframe on how long you are willing to do this LDR thing. I personally wouldn't be willing to do it for long if it seemed that being in the same city wasn't feasible. Whether you give it six months or a year or whatever before a serious plan is in place and you can see light at the end of the tunnel is for you to decide. But you really don't want to waste your time.

Thank you for understanding, Clia. I really loved your post because you seem to put it into words better than I could. Yes, I'm 32 and not willing to wait around or commit for a long term if I don't feel that the feeling is mutual or not worth pursuing. I gave myself a timeframe of one year to reevaluate things. We are at 4 months now. If there is no movement towards taking it to the next level at that point, I'm out.

Then again, I must be patient and realize that it is only 4 months into the relationship. WAY too soon to be actually making any moves. I'm not going anywhere for awhile. I'm going to enjoy this upcoming trip and see what happens next. I trust myself that I'll know when the time is up, if that time does ever come.

On the plus side, he seems to have always been able to make it work with his job and lifestyle, for himself. But I don't know if that lifestyle is the lifestyle you want to live. And you really should think long and hard about this. If you want to travel, go out for nice dinners, buy a nice home, etc., that stuff may not be in your future if you decide on this guy. When you are in the honeymoon stage, you may be able to convince yourself that all of that doesn't matter, but five years down the road when you are sitting in a mediocre house that you can't afford to renovate the way you really want and cooking dinner at home most nights or eating out at mediocre places because you can't afford to dine out...you may think differently.

You are absolutely 100% right about the bolded part. I give him so much credit for being romantic, caring, and having the strong core values I am looking for. We do come from different backgrounds. I grew up fairly privileged, and I'm used to having a lot. I am fortunate. I like going out to nice dinners and hotels and having nice jewelry. I had that upbringing. I always wanted to live in a nice home with my husband. However, I don't mind a mediocre house, because that's all I could afford on my own anyway. Here's the thing, though. If I want those things, I don't have to depend on someone else to provide it to me. I can have those things myself if I want to. And I know that if I'm with someone, he'll know I want those things... and he should be understanding that I enjoy those finer things.. but maybe it's a good lesson for me to be more practical and enjoy the simpler things. You are right. With him, I would not have the nice house, fancy cars, and big diamond. I could see it as a struggle with him sometimes. But- I feel more safe, secure, and respected and loved for who I am at the core in this relationship than I have in any other. So- I need to weigh what is really important. Is having the finer things more important, or being happy? I'm leaning towards being happy. It would be up to me to maintain the lifestyle I want, not him. If he was a lazy broke bum, I don't think it would work. But that's not the case here. He likes the finer things in life too and is the opposite of lazy. I would never worry about him not pulling his weight. And that's matters more than money. Right?

This is all great, wonderful stuff, that is really important. Really important. BUT...it doesn't pay the bills. It doesn't necessarily give you a certain lifestyle, if you want that. So, you need to decide what is most important to you about your life going forward. Is it dancing in any old kitchen, or dancing in a really nice kitchen?

Hahahaha, I love it! Sure, I would like to be dancing in a nice kitchen, but I can't be looking a gift horse in the mouth either. I could be looking for the rest of my life for someone like him and something like this and never find it. I hadn't ever found it before. I know that if and when he is able, he would want to treat me as much as he could. He's already talking about those things. He has Valentine's weekend planned to a T with all these things he wants to take me to, etc.

Venus, you seem to be very traditional in your priorities; marriage before babies or living together. Which is fine, but it limits options for things to work out long-term here. I'm just wondering, why haven't you talked to him about what you mention here, what you're hoping this will lead to? Normally yes, I'd agree this is too early, but in this case it's different. It would be a huge let down to keep investing time, energy and money into this relationship for months only to find it's not going to lead where you want it to. Or maybe you've had this discussion and I missed it? I.e. Who could move where, when, and does he know you have to be married before you'd consider living together? If you haven't discussed these things in detail, I think you should when you see him for Valentine's Day.

 

Yes, I am very traditional in that way. Trust me, I had to come back full circle to it. I moved in with both of my exes with no commitment and only from those experiences do I know that I won't do that again. He keeps talking about him coming here, to work. He has had it in his mind.

No, you did not 'miss' that conversation. He already DOES know what I am looking for, in general terms. I was very clear on that. But- I did not tell him specifically that I wouldn't consider moving or living together unless we were engaged (not married, although that would be ideal). I will bring it up during our visit. He keeps talking about the future, months from now, next year. So- I believe it could very well lead where I want it to. He wants a 'family' unit just as much as I do. And I think we both can see that in the future with each other... it's just a budding thought so early in.... and it does take time.

 

I agree with about half of this. She absolutely should mention she won't move in together prior to an engagement. She doesn't have to even say it directly; she can just raise it as a casual fact while talking about lessons learned from past relationships or something. However, I don't think it's a good idea to establish who's moving where and when right now.

---which leads me to believe he's simply not ready to establish a timeline yet. (Four months into a relationship, especially a long-distance one, I wouldn't be either.) She should wait for him to raise the subject. If he's serious and committed, and it sounds like he is, he'll do it eventually. Just not yet.

I'm totally with you, Lana! I won't mention moving yet. But I will for sure tell him on this trip that I won't live together unless engaged. The thing with me is, as I get older, or maybe because this is a healthy relationship... I have no problem standing my ground and voicing myself. I have no problem telling him what I am requiring. I know that if he won't step up and do it, I'm perfectly fine without him and can find it somewhere else. I know that sounds harsh... but that's my confidence that settled in after all these years!

 

I have just started to read this thread, and it makes for a great read. Thanks for being so open, honest and expressive. It's really easy to relate to your thoughts, and to relate to your journey. I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Thank you so much. I appreciate that. You'll be hearing more from me.

[GildedLily]

Venus, I find, your " love conquers all belief " quite courageous.. I can tell you are starting to part with your old dreams of the nice house, ring, staying home with the children etc.. I'm glad you keep updating because the road you are taking is one that I rejected at your age ( I went for love + the so called privileged life) it may be premature but if you and he do move forward, have you thought about keeping your finances separate? Maybe if you are saving for your own retirement and future it may calm some of your fears about his money management. Also if you marry, make sure about the laws in that state, as I've heard in certain parts of the country, the father and the new wife are jointly responsible for child support of the child from the previous marriage. I'm not sure but this could mean, you paying for their college education etc.. Just FYI something to research.

[lana-banana]

Venus, you have shown more maturity and growth in the last few months than in the other fifty-plus pages of this thread combined. If that isn't proof this guy is good for you then I don't know what is. Yes, love and respect and personal satisfaction matter so much more than big weddings and diamond rings, and no serious relationship comes without compromises. But true love shouldn't require you to abandon the things in life that you value. As you move forward you should consider what you're gaining, what you're giving up, and if you feel comfortable with the balance of the two. I'm reminded of the tagline from the surprisingly grounded ReMax ads: dream with your eyes open.

 

If I want those things, I don't have to depend on someone else to provide it to me. I can have those things myself if I want to.

 

This should absolutely be your goal. Hell, this should be everyone's goal; it should be tattooed to people's foreheads when they graduate from college. But just a few pages ago you said this:

 

I know it's not the 'norm', but I don't plan to buy property, at least not on my own. I figure I'm going to rent until I'm married and combine my income.

 

That, plus your not having a credit card at age 32, does make you pretty dependent upon someone else for any major life purchases. It's not a big deal so long as you're aware that's the situation you're in. Before you plan a future with someone you need to be realistic about what that future together might look like.

 

You can't have illusions that this guy will "take care" of you and make things right just because he has old-fashioned values. When values meet reality, reality wins every time. You have a steady job and regular source of income; he doesn't. You aren't broke; he is. So you're already thinking about marriage and children? Not only will you be a working mother, you may well be the breadwinner for the majority or entirety of your relationship, especially if he moves to your area. There's nothing wrong with any of that, but there's also nothing wrong with deciding that it isn't for you.

 

Love is an amazing dream, Venus. But dream with your eyes open. Be ready for what happens when you wake up. And on that note, this really concerns me:

 

We are taking precautions, but not 'foolproof' precautions. No condoms or hormones will be involved from here on out... I would only consider taking the pill if we were together more than once every 6 weeks or so, and he knows that. But- I think that if it WERE to happen, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I know how he feels about it. I think the idea of it is appealing to us both.

 

Never mind that your situation is tailor-made for the sponge, available at your local CVS for about $20: the idea is appealing? Coping with your first pregnancy, unmarried and alone, while simultaneously juggling the stress of moving and finding new careers to start your lives together with a child neither of you can even remotely afford? What in the world are you smoking?