When it rains it pours

[Timshel]

Thank you! That is exactly how I feel.

Yes, I am eager for marriage and starting a family. The fact that this is long distance is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. It's hard for me to approach it casually because I want something serious. I know he does too. That's the thing that makes it hard.

You are right though. These questions can only be answered in time, no matter if there is geographical distance or not.

 

 

He mentioned this morning that he was planning on getting out to see me as soon as possible. Maybe a weekend elopement. ! I think he meant 'elope' as in vacation, not marriage.

 

 

I find that in the time following our visits, there is a brief period of feeling in limbo, when we have not solidified the next visit. It is during this time that I feel the most anxiety and am the most sensitive to things that come up, or am most critical, or vulnerable.

 

 

Sometimes I'm not sure how to approach being in a real relationship. It's been so long for me, and in the past I never had healthy long terms anyway, so I don't really have a good basis for knowing what to do.

 

 

I feel very alone, removed, and far away from achieving my goal of marriage and family. While I see all my friends having it, it seems out of my reach.

 

Bolded Venus... too funny and thank heavens woman....good laugh.

 

The rest, so many women on ls have been with you the whole way through this, you've had so much support and really quality advice.

You have come a tremendously long way, look where you are from last year....congratulations and much respect.

 

You are figuring things out but tread carefully...slowly. Please do not let your desire for a husband and child muddy your judgement. In your case, with the possibility of uprooting yourself and what is grounding you...baby, go slow.

 

Be kind to yourself. If you make a life changing decision with fear as an impetus....

One thing I know now that I did not know before my husband died...it's ok to just be still and very present with what is. Try to lose the agenda Venus. Maybe you will adopt, maybe you will have 3 of your own, maybe you will find yourself in the right place at the right time to be of the most assistance to another human being, including yourself.

 

Don't worry and I hope you enjoy New Orleans and this man who is giving you a spring in your step and smile to share.

Don't rush yourself....or him.

[Leigh 87]

Actually, many people would argue that being an adult means being self-supporting.

 

 

 

STOP! This isn't some silly "love test" -- if he loves her enough he will [fill in the blank]. And honestly, it isn't healthy to change for someone else. Yes, sometimes other people can point out changes it would be beneficial to make, but people should make changes based on their own readiness/desire. Otherwise, they are not likely to last. Hopefully, Venus and her guy can work this out in a way where they both are happy with the outcome but, if they can't, it isn't necessarily a reflection of his love for her.

 

 

 

Could not agree more. Adulthood is not measured in years but in maturity and responsibility, imo.

 

 

 

 

Oh ok. So because I don't work full time during a medical degree, and use government loans for the basics, i am somehow " a teenager " and not deserving of a financially stable partner?

 

I want to forge a comfortable life.

 

I am also good enough to attract a financial stable guy. Being a full time med student does not mean that I should aim lower than Venus.

 

I just happened to fall the hardest for a guy that isn't financially well off rather than the high earners that were into me.

 

I am urging Venus to consider making her relationship work. Because she may not find what she has with hwe boyfriend again anytime soon.

[Leigh 87]

Thank you! That is exactly how I feel.

Yes, I am eager for marriage and starting a family. The fact that this is long distance is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. It's hard for me to approach it casually because I want something serious. I know he does too. That's the thing that makes it hard.

You are right though. These questions can only be answered in time, no matter if there is geographical distance or not.

 

 

He mentioned this morning that he was planning on getting out to see me as soon as possible. Maybe a weekend elopement. ! I think he meant 'elope' as in vacation, not marriage.

 

 

I find that in the time following our visits, there is a brief period of feeling in limbo, when we have not solidified the next visit. It is during this time that I feel the most anxiety and am the most sensitive to things that come up, or am most critical, or vulnerable.

 

 

Sometimes I'm not sure how to approach being in a real relationship. It's been so long for me, and in the past I never had healthy long terms anyway, so I don't really have a good basis for knowing what to do.

 

 

I feel very alone, removed, and far away from achieving my goal of marriage and family. While I see all my friends having it, it seems out of my reach.

 

 

 

It is totally not out of your reach.

 

You have a degree and solid career. People with these things can afford a child.

 

You just don't have a guy who will allow you to be a stay at home mum.

 

I have no doubt he will help put food on the table though. And perhaps even help you save towards a house.

 

You needto just pick! A financially comfortable lifestyle which a guy who enables you to be a stay at home mum if you so choose. Or this guy---- where you won't be a stay at home mum , will have to leave a 2 month old with strangers in day care and you may get resentful and jealous towards your friends and family who have freedom and comfortin their lives i such ease and get to stay at home with their babies.

 

You can well afford a baby and the family you dream of though. Right now you can have this! You won't starve or need government assistance! You would manage just fine! So...you already have the means to raise a family together. How much above the bare essentials do you need in order to be happy? Ican see this guy providing the basics, money towards a house and even a date night or two once in a blue moon.

 

I guess you need the option of being a stay at home mum, which requires a high income from the man in the picture.

 

I also understand that you need stability. While this guy sounds like he would mostly support you and a family, and contributecontribute fairly equally, it seems like there will be times when he is short of money and you will need to foot the bill.

 

A family though, in non poverty and relative comfort? You have the circumstancesfor that NOW.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Leigh 87

[venusishername]

Bolded Venus... too funny and thank heavens woman....good laugh.

 

The rest, so many women on ls have been with you the whole way through this, you've had so much support and really quality advice.

You have come a tremendously long way, look where you are from last year....congratulations and much respect.

 

You are figuring things out but tread carefully...slowly. Please do not let your desire for a husband and child muddy your judgement. In your case, with the possibility of uprooting yourself and what is grounding you...baby, go slow.

 

Be kind to yourself. If you make a life changing decision with fear as an impetus....

One thing I know now that I did not know before my husband died...it's ok to just be still and very present with what is. Try to lose the agenda Venus. Maybe you will adopt, maybe you will have 3 of your own, maybe you will find yourself in the right place at the right time to be of the most assistance to another human being, including yourself.

 

Don't worry and I hope you enjoy New Orleans and this man who is giving you a spring in your step and smile to share.

Don't rush yourself....or him.

 

 

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. And you are right. I need to be still and present with what is, and lose the agenda. It seems unfair though, that I want these things just as much as my friends do and have. Maybe it's just not meant to be for me, I don't know.

 

 

I think that not rushing is a great idea. It seems so hard to rush anyway, that we are long distance. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe I'm trying to 'control' too much, or feel in control of too much more than what I need to right now.

 

 

I can't think of this as a casual thing, because it isn't. But to take some of the pressure off, yes. We can have some serious talks though, I have no problem communicating to him my thoughts and concerns, boundaries, intentions.

 

 

We talked tonight and he was a little exasperated, saying, "I really just want you to be here in my house." Meaning he just wants me to be at 'home' with him. I thought that was so sweet. I told him how I've been thinking about if I were to move there, I'd have to leave a lot behind, so it's a big decision. And that I think if I did, I would move into my own place. He didn't like that idea at all. Ha, I was surprised that he felt so strongly about that. He started talking about how it would be if we lived together. I reiterated my standpoint about the fact that we're not married, and I don't think it's a good idea to 'test' the relationship by living together to determine whether you want to get married. I said I thought that was a 'cop out'. He said it again, 'well, we could be engaged'.

I think he's really thinking about marrying me. Or proposing. I think he might do it. Because he knows that's the only way I'd live with him.

I'm definitely more comfortable with living together in the same city, but not living under the same roof as long as we are only dating. I need to be SURE I want to marry this man before I do that. And I'm not sure yet.

 

 

He jokingly said, "you make me prove myself over and over to you"- and well, he is right. And he's done it so far. I'm not giving in so easily, I have a lot of my own independence I've worked hard for.

He's been talking more and more about coming here to see me as soon as possible. I know he will make that happen. I don't really need to ask about it because I'm so confident he's going to do that. He always has followed through and made every effort with me since day one. I give him a lot of credit for that. I even sent him a thank you letter the other day for having me out there this last time, and for everything he did. He does a lot for me, and I'm really grateful and lucky.

 

 

There are some things, like finances, and responsibility, that I am teetering on. Maybe I have this idea about how things are supposed to look. But honestly, if I am straightforward and communicate with him about my opinions and expectations as I have been, he knows where I stand and what I will or won't tolerate.... that's the very best I can do.

As far as knowing all the details.... I won't know EVERYTHING right now, I won't know EVERYTHING living across the country.

I need more time. And we have some time.

[venusishername]

I simply want someone responsible and mature, that is all I'm getting at.

You may be right though, Leigh...bringing out the best in someone in a relationship. Maybe that is why I can be good for him. I will repeat again, I don't have all the details regarding his financial situation or what happened with the car and his friend helping him out in a pinch. All I'm saying is that there are a few things that I have noticed that have given me cause for concern.

I don't think anyone is a property portfolio, nor is anyone perfect. I think it was Introverted who said that you can be poor but also responsible, and that's exactly what I am talking about. I don't care if you're a truck driver or a plumber, you go to work and don't act irresponsibly with money in general, that is really the point I'm trying to make. I don't worry that if I were to marry him or have his baby that we wouldn't be able to afford to put food on the table. I'm not worried that we would be impoverished or unable to have the comforts that I'm used to.

All I'm saying is that I don't want my man to be irresponsible. PERIOD.

Whether that be with money or anything else. When he was careless about his parking tickets, that shows me he can be careless in other areas too.

I don't like that at all. And he knows that.

 

He told me he doesn't have good credit. I can see why. Because he's not good with money. He's impulsive. He doesn't notice that he's parking in a freight zone, so he gets a ticket. Ok. So, this is one of his flaws. He has so many wonderful qualities that I never really could find in any other men I've ever dated, ever. Which is why I continue this relationship.

 

I think that on top of his ADHD tendencies, which contributes to these impulses, he's simply a real person, with flaws.

 

 

My flaw is that I'm overly anxious and too serious sometimes. Sometimes I smoke cigarettes and like to get drunk. I've really calmed down on that in the past 6 months since I met him, though. In fact, I hardly ever drink anymore. I used to party a lot, actually. Well, it's all relative. But I drank more than what I consider healthy sometimes. Since I met him, I drink maybe 2 drinks maximum per week, if that. He barely drinks at all, maybe half a glass of wine, if a special occasion. I think he would break up with me if I drank the way I used to. That would be his deal breaker. This is GOOD though. I am GLAD he doesn't drink much because it keeps me in check. If I get a little too buzzed, I don't even want him to see or hear me like that, because I know he doesn't like it. Ha- when we were out in New Orleans he bought us a bottle of wine to take to the table as we listened to the jazz band outside. I can easily finish off a bottle of wine with another person over the course of an hour. He put the cork in it after 2 glasses and said we could take it home, right? Ha! I could've easily drank the rest of the bottle, but I realize that this may be a flaw of mine, and I told him I could finish it but I'm ok with taking it home too. Do I really need to drink half (or most) of a bottle of wine? Well, I would LIKE to, but he doesn't really like to drink, and I don't want to get DRUNK if he's just barely buzzed. This is a HUGE difference compared to my last two boyfriends, who would go through many bottles with me and friends, regular happy hours, drinking was a big part of my social group, relationships.

 

Anyway, I'm trying to say that I'm not perfect either. And I do think there's a lot to be said about bringing out the best version in your partner. Like I said, I'm absolutely sure if I drank like I used to, he'd probably want nothing to do with me. So, I can't be too critical, I think that because I don't live in the same place, I can't judge or jump to any conclusions either. It would be unfair.

 

I will go back to my original point though, I want and need my man to be responsible and not careless. Period. I am responsible, although I don't make lots of money or will never be close to a six figure income in my current profession, I expect certain standards as far as responsibility.

It is hard for me to see these things about him since we live across the country. I have only seen a couple incidences without knowing all the information. It's not something to be ignored, and I'm doing my best to communicate with him, discuss my concerns.

 

On another note, I had mentioned a couple posts back about him saying that maybe we could elope, and how I thought he meant elope as in 'vacation' not marriage. But as it turns out, he brought it up again tonight and he says he means marriage. He admitted that he's been thinking about it with me, and how it's been on his mind!

I really do feel that he might propose. I never talked to my ex boyfriends about marriage and children the way I have talked with him. I used to wonder if they ever wanted to marry me. With him, I don't have to wonder at all. I think he wants to, or is seriously considering it.

I told him that if I were to get married, I think eloping is romantic, but I would at least want to wear a wedding dress, because that's a big deal to me. The ring and a dress. Like most women, I've always daydreamed about the details of a long planned out wedding, but I would be open to something small and spontaneous too. I already know my family is very anxious to see me married, so I would have their support and some financial help. Anyway, getting ahead of myself here....

 

Six months in and he has been the one to bring up marriage and "our kids". He says he can tell that I am ready and wanting it because I won't even move in with him unless we are engaged. Well, I guess now he knows how serious I am about it and I am NOT messing around. I have never been more clear about what I want and what I don't want as right now, and obviously, it got me a serious relationship that is potentially leading to marriage. I didn't get that before, because I didn't lay down the line with the men I was with before. I used to be afraid of losing them if I did. Or I was too young and I didn't care about it. Anyway, with him, I feel I can say exactly what it is that I want, and if he doesn't like it, he can kiss off and I don't need him anyway if that's the case.

He asked me tonight in a roundabout way, kind of indirectly, if I would want to marry him. I said, "I'm not sure yet, maybe."

Ha- well, I think he has probably been wondering. Now I know that he is already thinking about proposing, he had to kind of get an idea as to what I might say. I couldn't say yes for sure, I couldn't wholeheartedly say "yes, absolutely, I would want to marry you!" I wouldn't say no. Right now, I would say maybe. Now I feel bad that I said that to him. I was just being honest. I hope he's not hurt.

 

 

Someone was talking about regret a couple posts ago. I know myself, and what I have regretted MOST about my dating life and the men I have been with is this, over my decade plus of adulthood:

I regret not giving the men who truly cherished and respected me more of a chance, because they were the only ones who ever deserved my time, love, and attention anyway. They haven't been perfect, they have had their flaws and vices too, just like anyone else.

I regret giving my heart and my attention to men who didn't love me, even if we had that 'earth shattering chemistry' (I had to throw that in there).

I regret pushing aside the men who treated me like a queen and who were in awe and admiration of me because I was in search of someone or something that I thought could be 'better' or more suited to what I thought I would end up with.

 

My biggest regrets in my romantic relationships have been when I have taken people for granted.

I don't regret following my heart instead of my head with my ex boyfriend, because I loved him and there was a time that we did love each other. I don't regret that, even though he turned out to be a terrible person and really ****ed me up in a lot of ways.

My regret is telling the guys that worshipped me and treated me with complete and total respect that I didn't think we were a good fit.. because they weren't 'good' enough in my mind. In hindsight, I should have given those guys much more of a chance all along. I probably wouldn't still be single now if I did. I've had a couple of opportunities like that in my life, and I said no to them. My boyfriend is one of those guys who worships and adores me, and I want to give him a chance. I would truly regret not doing so.

[Leigh 87]

Well it seems like you simply need to work together to help him change hs bad habits. As is part and parcel of any healthy relationship. Although some lucky, lucky women just " get it all" from the outset and that is great for them, but women like Venus and myself are obviously dealing with men who need to better themselves in certain areas that they are not up to par in.

 

If I were you Venus, I would try and work together with him to impliment change. He is not stupid. He is well capable of, together with you, coming up with some stratagies and plans that will help curb his irresponsible ways.

 

If you can work together with him NOW and notice results, not only will you have a more responsible man by your side, but you will have demonstrated that you guys can work together in order to make each other better people.

 

Again - some women just get it all from the outsite - asll the boxes ticked. I will again stress, that women on here who say it is likely that you will meet a man with everything together from the outset - are just lucky or their friends and family who found the " earth shattering chemistry AS WELL AS a kind hearted man who worships them AND who is financially very responsible - these women got awarded the relationship lotto ticket and seem to assume that all women should hold out for it, rather than accept that slight changes need to be made, together, with their partners.

 

Just come up with a plan together with him and see if he can follow through with it. Make it known that your relationship depends on it - and that you cannot raise a child with a man that cannot even afford a 200 dollar fine - and moreover, that you can see yourelf resenting him and loosing the "chemistry" and : in love: feeling REALL fast if he conducts himself in such a pathetic fashion again...

 

I think now is the time to think about the changes he needs to make and exactky how you are both going to work together.

[lana-banana]

Venus, what would you do if he proposed before you had an adequate understanding of his financial issues and day-to-day habits? Would you put your desire to be engaged ahead of your need to really know this guy first (and yes, I realize my wording indicates how I feel about the idea)? I know you guys are becoming more serious but I don't entirely like how he seems to be driving this after you said you had some concerns. His focus shouod be addressing those concerns, not rushing you into an even more serious commitment.

 

PS - I vote for eloping, but if and only if you're both ready. Weddings are so overrated! We were leaning in that direction but our parents would kill us. Still, weddings are much too costly.

[No_Go]

OP, not to rain on your parade but men use 'marriage hints' as a manipulation strategy, to keep the woman on a short rope. Especially if they feel she's pulling away. Being 30+ myself I understand your rush, but you don't know this guy at all. 2-3 holidays are nothing. He's a fantasy pretty much. I think if any of you was serious about any sort of future, you'd be talking about moving in the same city, not sweet-talking marriage and 'our kids'. i'd do a background check to isolate eventual 'triggers' before getting too emotionally invested by sweet words.

[lana-banana]

Also, for what it's worth, your drinking habits are not analogous to his financial irresponsibility. Nothing you have said suggests you were a problem drinker. Sharing a bottle of wine with someone once or twice a week is not excessive; if you can keep control of yourself and act responsibly, there's not a problem. You should modify your behaviors because you want to make a change, not because you want to please him.

 

You mentioned you had some serious reservations about his finances, you said you needed more time and weren't in a rush, and his response was to talk about eloping. My alarm bells would be going off.

[venusishername]

Venus, what would you do if he proposed before you had an adequate understanding of his financial issues and day-to-day habits? Would you put your desire to be engaged ahead of your need to really know this guy first (and yes, I realize my wording indicates how I feel about the idea)? I know you guys are becoming more serious but I don't entirely like how he seems to be driving this after you said you had some concerns. His focus shouod be addressing those concerns, not rushing you into an even more serious commitment.

If he asked me, I wouldn't say no. I think right this second, I would say that I need more time. I don't feel in any way, shape, or form that he is rushing or pushing me into the thought of living together and getting married, etc. I don't see how me bringing up the fact that I disapproved of the boot on the car thing has any relation to how he feels about moving things forward with me. It's not a ploy or something he's doing to press me.

 

Just come up with a plan together with him and see if he can follow through with it. Make it known that your relationship depends on it - and that you cannot raise a child with a man that cannot even afford a 200 dollar fine - and moreover, that you can see yourelf resenting him and loosing the "chemistry" and : in love: feeling REALL fast if he conducts himself in such a pathetic fashion again...

I think now is the time to think about the changes he needs to make and exactky how you are both going to work together.

 

I think this is totally fair, Leigh, and I agree with you here. It really is that simple, I need to tell him these things. It's really hard for me to say it for some reason, but now I have to. Because I already know I would lose my attraction and have resentment if it were to continue or worsen. That happened with my ex (for different reasons), and I know exactly what that is like. Again, I don't think he couldn't AFFORD to pay a $200 fine. Honestly. I really don't know what happened there or the circumstances. After he told me about the boot on his car last week, it kind of killed some of the heat for me, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe it was the combination of that with other things that have put me in this position of doubt.

 

OP, not to rain on your parade but men use 'marriage hints' as a manipulation strategy, to keep the woman on a short rope. Especially if they feel she's pulling away. Being 30+ myself I understand your rush, but you don't know this guy at all. 2-3 holidays are nothing. He's a fantasy pretty much. I think if any of you was serious about any sort of future, you'd be talking about moving in the same city, not sweet-talking marriage and 'our kids'. i'd do a background check to isolate eventual 'triggers' before getting too emotionally invested by sweet words.

Yeah, that's an interesting take. It's been more than 2-3 holidays, plus if you read the thread we both have been consistently talking about moving to the same city. A person can't help it if their feelings grow and naturally would want to take things to the next level, i.e. living together, marriage, talking about family. We aren't kids, he's already been there and done that, we are just very much on the same page with what we are looking for in a relationship. And it's marriage and family unit. I take offense to the ide that he's using some manipulation tactic to keep me on a short leash. In all my years of dating and boyfriends, that tactic has NEVER happened to me and unfortunately, I've been with some really manipulative jerks. He's not one of them. He is sincere in his feelings towards me, I am very sure of that.

I have no idea what you mean by "background check of eventual triggers"... ??

What I am about to say is not directed at your comment. But just because two people don't have the conventional and spend years dating, living together without engagement or marriage, doesn't mean anything less than that isn't just as real. I spent 4+ years living with my ex boyfriends in my twenties, and those relationships were HALF as real as this one. The time spent is irrelevant. I didn't know my ex in over 4 years of day to day, in and out, total immersion. Don't you ever hear of high school sweethearts getting married as soon as they're 18, and staying together the rest of their lives? How about the couple who elopes within a couple months of knowing each other, and spends many years happy together? How about my co-worker, who knew her husband for 5 months before he proposed and now they are happily married? My point is, you don't have to subscribe to years of dating, a year plus of living together before marriage, and spending years committing to someone without a real commitment to have a solid relationship.

Also, for what it's worth, your drinking habits are not analogous to his financial irresponsibility. Nothing you have said suggests you were a problem drinker. Sharing a bottle of wine with someone once or twice a week is not excessive; if you can keep control of yourself and act responsibly, there's not a problem. You should modify your behaviors because you want to make a change, not because you want to please him.

 

You mentioned you had some serious reservations about his finances, you said you needed more time and weren't in a rush, and his response was to talk about eloping. My alarm bells would be going off.

Well, I was actually talking about my binge drinking habits that I have given up, THANK GOD. I certainly don't think a bottle of wine with a friend once a week is a problem, I may still do that these days. I was talking about getting drunk, drinking liquor or taking shots or playing drinking games, then spending the next day calling in sick to work or canceling otherwise important plans and puking all day. That was my lowest period. I won't even get into the many risky and frankly, unscrupulous and downright STUPID decisions I have made while intoxicated in my past. That's my dark side, I have my own faults and weaknesses.That was my point in saying that.

I rarely drink anymore, and I don't miss it. I will occasionally have a couple drinks with friends, maybe once a week or less, but since my bf doesn't drink much or like it, I am ashamed to let him hear or see me drunk. Once, I told him I thought I had food poisoning, in reality I went a little overboard the night before and I was hung over throwing up all day. That's what I meant about drinking. It was a problem. I also think it still can be a problem if I don't keep myself in check.

I am very grateful that he doesn't like to drink, or hang out in bars, or get wasted or drink heavily. He'll have half of a drink, or maybe a glass of wine and says he's had enough. It just keeps me in check, he doesn't scold me for drinking, but I certainly don't ever overdo it anymore, at least in front of him. I shifted my lifestyle a couple months before we met, I think that shift actually propelled me into being capable of being in a healthy relationship. So, I did it for myself... I just know it can be a problem for me if left 'unchecked' and if I slack off, I slide back into some of my vices.

 

And I don't think there is any correlation between me saying that I had concerns and then as if it were like a jerk reaction he mentioned eloping. That's ridiculous.

We have been talking about the idea of engagement and that we are open to discussing marriage for about two months now. Him feeling romantic and talking about 'hey, what if we eloped, I had a dream that we did', "would you want to marry me?" That had nothing to do with what I said about my concerns. I truly believe (and know) that his feelings for me are sincere. The fact that I told him I have these concerns, and am concerned ABOUT him... hey, what a thought.. maybe it solidified his respect and love for me, and his desire to make me happy?! His desire to be with me on a daily basis and grow together.

The fact that I told him I disapprove of what happened with the boot on the car didn't CAUSE him to say he's been thinking about marrying me.

In fact, it was BEFORE I brought anything up recently that he said something to the tune of "I really need to take things to the next level with you now." It's only natural (so we hope) that as time goes on in a new relationship, the feelings get deeper, the intentions to take things to the next level progress. That's what's happening here. It's not his ploy to distract me or pressure me. I DO think he's frustrated about being apart, that may cause the sweeping statements and acts of romance and passion of talking about eloping.

 

In any case, I'm not discounting my concerns that you are only trying to counsel me about.

 

I can't help it but feel very uncertain/uneasy. It has been weighing on my mind very heavily. All along I've had reservations about this. It just came to a head with the boot on the car, now that I've been to stay with him twice lately on his turf, I could see more of what it would be like to actually BE with him.

 

The thing is, he is the most loving, caring, kind and genuine man I've ever dated, hell, he's up at the top of the list for all men I've ever KNOWN with those things. He makes me feel loved, respected, safe, heard, and protected. I seriously have been strapped to find all those irreplaceable qualities in ALL of my previous relationships. He will look at me and tell me that I am beautiful all the time, just out of the blue, just because. He'll send me video clips of songs that he's thinking of me, or an article that he thought I would like, he'll listen to me talk or vent when I have something to say, he actually LISTENS to everything I say and will ask me later to check in about things that I mentioned, even if it was only once.

He has been consistent since day ONE. I'm talking every single day, he makes effort to communicate, to CALL, if not to text, I will hear from him first thing in the morning if not last thing before he goes to bed, every SINGLE day. His consistency (DESPITE his shortcomings) speaks incredible volumes to me. This is how I know that he loves me, and that he is TRUSTWORTHY. He may be careless with money sometimes, and not have a whole lot of financial backing, but his word is his bond. I know that sounds corny. But it's true. He has a quality that I've been searching for in a man for a very long time: integrity. That may override the negative traits.

 

 

However. I am torn because I don't know if I can trust that he's not just a big kid in a man's body. Like a twenty year old boy racking up parking tickets and not caring about it. (Like I did when I was that age). Turning down a reliable side job of consistent pay for a short term because he thinks he could make twice as much doing something else that is/could be a gamble. Not taking the screws out of his pocket because he's absentminded and careless and breaking the dryer again and now having to replace it again, more money spent that could've been avoided.

He doesn't own his house, he took it over from his father, who owns it, and he takes care of the entire lot and property. My boyfriend pays the rental and all the bills and maintenance of the entire property which is on a couple lots, which is a pretty decent size, and does all the upkeep and remodeling of the home himself. That part doesn't bother me, he does a great job with the house, and I find that very attractive that he's so prideful and works hard to keep his home comfortable and looking good.

I have no idea how much he is responsible for paying to live there. I guess that's none of my business unless I was going be living with him. And I'm not going to do that anytime in the near future, as far as I can see.

 

 

I'll just cut to the point. After rambling, it helps me to get this out.

I do love him, I think he is a very good man, he is true and I think he has most all of the important qualities that I want, that I never thought I wanted, etc. He would and DOES make me feel loved, respected, he validates my feelings, he supports me, he encourages me to be MY best version of myself, he is a good influence, is positive, loving, humble, trustworthy, consistent, genuine, and wants the same things that I do in terms of family and family values. All these things are VERY hard to come by.

But the things that I've mentioned... I don't know if those things are reflections on his CHARACTER that would make it a deal breaker. I can't help but feel disapproval, and disappointment, and a fading of my heat and desire for him when those things surface, like the boot on the car, as an example. I can't help that it has lessened my passion and romance towards him. Not completely, just a bit. And this has been a terrible feeling for me to experience this past week.

 

I know the solution is to TALK to him about it, and I will, just as much as I've already brought these things up recently....it is very difficult to approach it.

Like Leigh says, I can't be living with, married to, having a child with someone who doesn't pay off two parking tickets and then gets a boot on their car and has to fork over a couple hundred for no reason. I'm NOT SURE if I can live with, be married to, and have a child with someone who gives up a steady contracting job for a short period for a lower pay in exchange for 'PROBABLY' making twice as much taking on something else that isn't consistent. THAT rubbed me the wrong way too, and this was just the other day that he told me that.That part is forgivable, he's making money and working, I just don't like the risky behavior. That's what it boils down to, I think.... I don't like the riskiness and this attitude of 'chance' that he seems to be motivated by. I don't work that way personally. Maybe some people do and they do just fine, who am I to judge?

 

 

Maybe my upbringing and the men I'm surrounded with in my profession; they go to work, consistency, bring home a steady paycheck, or they own their own business and are usually working all the time. Work ethic is EXTREMELY important to me. My guy is a hard worker and isn't lazy, he enjoys working and that isn't my worry (thank GOD, he'd be out of my life fast if that were the case).

 

 

Ok, so I'm trying to nail it down here. I am absolutely torn, I've started to experience disappointment and some let down of the honeymoon feelings of all hearts and flowers. It's good that I see these things now, but other than talk to him about it and tell him my concerns, what more is there to do?

One of my best friends suggested (as did someone here, maybe Timshel?) that I not take it TOO seriously right now, still get to know, take some time, take a lot of the pressure off, just enjoy this time right now and still give it some more time to develop. I told myself by October (the year mark) that I would know FOR SURE what direction I wanted to go.

I think that's a good idea. But at what point do I start getting real with it?We are already talking about some REAL future plans, including having a life together. So how can I NOT be thinking about these things? We are both so anxious and frustrated to be separated, we are trying so hard to figure out how and if we can be in the same place, in order to figure out of we are actually compatible on a living together/in the same city basis... the desire to close the gap I think is causing him to want to move faster, take the next step... and that's making me feel more intensely about all the 'what ifs'.

I think I need to take a step back from the relationship. Maybe just mentally. I'm not saying I want to break up. I just need to take a step back for a little bit.

I'm not too sure how to do this.

Edited April 26, 2016 by venusishername

[Leigh 87]

If he asked me, I wouldn't say no. I think right this second, I would say that I need more time. I don't feel in any way, shape, or form that he is rushing or pushing me into the thought of living together and getting married, etc. I don't see how me bringing up the fact that I disapproved of the boot on the car thing has any relation to how he feels about moving things forward with me. It's not a ploy or something he's doing to press me.

 

 

 

I think this is totally fair, Leigh, and I agree with you here. It really is that simple, I need to tell him these things. It's really hard for me to say it for some reason, but now I have to. Because I already know I would lose my attraction and have resentment if it were to continue or worsen. That happened with my ex (for different reasons), and I know exactly what that is like. Again, I don't think he couldn't AFFORD to pay a $200 fine. Honestly. I really don't know what happened there or the circumstances. After he told me about the boot on his car last week, it kind of killed some of the heat for me, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe it was the combination of that with other things that have put me in this position of doubt.

 

 

 

Yeah, that's an interesting take. It's been more than 2-3 holidays, plus if you read the thread we both have been consistently talking about moving to the same city. A person can't help it if their feelings grow and naturally would want to take things to the next level, i.e. living together, marriage, talking about family. We aren't kids, he's already been there and done that, we are just very much on the same page with what we are looking for in a relationship. And it's marriage and family unit. I take offense to the ide that he's using some manipulation tactic to keep me on a short leash. In all my years of dating and boyfriends, that tactic has NEVER h

happened to me and unfortunately, I've been with some really manipulative jerks. He's not one of them. He is sincere in his feelings towards me, I am very sure of that.

I have no idea what you mean by "background check of eventual triggers"... ??

What I am about to say is not directed at your comment. But just because two people don't have the conventional and spend years dating, living together without engagement or marriage, doesn't mean anything less than that isn't just as real. I spent 4+ years living with my ex boyfriends in my twenties, and those relationships were HALF as real as this one. The time spent is irrelevant. I didn't know my ex in over 4 years of day to day, in and out, total immersion. Don't you ever hear of high school sweethearts getting married as soon as they're 18, and staying together the rest of their lives? How about the couple who elopes within a couple months of knowing each other, and spends many years happy together? How about my co-worker, who knew her husband for 5 months before he proposed and now they are happily married? My point is, you don't have to subscribe to years of dating, a year plus of living together before marriage, and spending years committing to someone without a real commitment to have a solid relationship.

 

Well, I was actually talking about my binge drinking habits that I have given up, THANK GOD. I certainly don't think a bottle of wine with a friend once a week is a problem, I may still do that these days. I was talking about getting drunk, drinking liquor or taking shots or playing drinking games, then spending the next day calling in sick to work or canceling otherwise important plans and puking all day. That was my lowest period. I won't even get into the many risky and frankly, unscrupulous and downright STUPID decisions I have made while intoxicated in my past. That's my dark side, I have my own faults and weaknesses.That was my point in saying that.

I rarely drink anymore, and I don't miss it. I will occasionally have a couple drinks with friends, maybe once a week or less, but since my bf doesn't drink much or like it, I am ashamed to let him hear or see me drunk. Once, I told him I thought I had food poisoning, in reality I went a little overboard the night before and I was hung over throwing up all day. That's what I meant about drinking. It was a problem. I also think it still can be a problem if I don't keep myself in check.

I am very grateful that he doesn't like to drink, or hang out in bars, or get wasted or drink heavily. He'll have half of a drink, or maybe a glass of wine and says he's had enough. It just keeps me in check, he doesn't scold me for drinking, but I certainly don't ever overdo it anymore, at least in front of him.

 

 

And I don't think there is any correlation between me saying that I had concerns and then as if it were like a jerk reaction he mentioned eloping. That's ridiculous.

We have been talking about the idea of engagement and that we are open to discussing marriage for about two months now. Him feeling romantic and talking about 'hey, what if we eloped, I had a dream that we did', "would you want to marry me?" That had nothing to do with what I said about my concerns. I truly believe (and know) that his feelings for me are sincere. The fact that I told him I have these concerns, and am concerned ABOUT him... hey, what a thought.. maybe it solidified his respect and love for me, and his desire to make me happy?! His desire to be with me on a daily basis and grow together.

The fact that I told him I disapprove of what happened with the boot on the car didn't CAUSE him to say he's been thinking about marrying me.

In fact, it was BEFORE I brought anything up recently that he said something to the tune of "I really need to take things to the next level with you now." It's only natural (so we hope) that as time goes on in a new relationship, the feelings get deeper, the intentions to take things to the next level progress. That's what's happening here. It's not his ploy to distract me or pressure me.

 

 

In any case, I'm not discounting my concerns that you are only trying to counsel me about.

 

 

I can't help it but feel very uncertain. It has been weighing on my mind very heavily. All along I've had reservations about this. It just came to ha head with the boot on the car, now that I've been to stay with him twice lately, I could see more of what it would be like to actually BE with him.

 

 

The thing is, he is the most loving, caring, kind and genuine man I've ever dated, hell, he's up at the top of the list for all men I've ever KNOWN with those things. He makes me feel loved, respected, safe, heard, and protected. I seriously have been strapped to find all those irreplaceable qualities in ALL of my previous relationships. He will look at me and tell me that I am beautiful all the time, just out of the blue, just because. He'll send me video clips of songs that he's thinking of me, or an article that he thought I would like, he'll listen to me talk or vent when I have something to say, he actually LISTENS to everything I say and will ask me later to check in about things that I mentioned, even if it was only once.

He has been consistent since day ONE. I'm talking every single day, he makes effort to communicate, to CALL, if not to text, I will hear from him first thing in the morning if not last thing before he goes to bed, every SINGLE day. His consistency (DESPITE his shortcomings) speaks incredible volumes to me. This is how I know that he loves me, and that he is TRUSTWORTHY. He may be careless with money sometimes, and not have a whole lot of financial backing, but his word is his bond. I know that sounds corny. But it's true. He has a quality that I've been searching for in a man for a very long time: integrity. That may override the negative traits.

 

 

However. I am torn because I don't know if I can trust that he's not just a big kid in a man's body. Like a twenty year old boy racking up parking tickets and not caring about it. (Like I did when I was that age). Turning down a reliable side job of consistent pay for a short term because he thinks he could make twice as much doing something else that is/could be a gamble. Not taking the screws out of his pocket because he's absentminded and careless and breaking the dryer again and now having to replace it again, more money spent that could've been avoided.

He doesn't own his house, he took it over from his father, who owns it, and he takes care of the entire lot and property. My boyfriend pays the rental and all the bills and maintenance of the entire property which is on a couple lots, which is a pretty decent size, and does all the upkeep and remodeling of the home himself. That part doesn't bother me, he does a great job with the house, and I find that very attractive that he's so prideful and works hard to keep his home comfortable and looking good.

I have no idea how much he is responsible for paying to live there. I guess that's none of my business unless I was going be living with him. And I'm not going to do that anytime in the near future, as far as I can see.

 

 

I'll just cut to the point. After rambling, it helps me to get this out.

I do love him, I think he is a very good man, he is true and I think he has most all of the important qualities that I want, that I never thought I wanted, etc. He would and DOES make me feel loved, respected, he validates my feelings, he supports me, he encourages me to be MY best version of myself, he is a good influence, is positive, loving, humble, trustworthy, consistent, genuine, and wants the same things that I do in terms of family and family values. All these things are VERY hard to come by.

But the things that I've mentioned... I don't know if those things are reflections on his CHARACTER that would make it a deal breaker. I can't help but feel disapproval, and disappointment, and a fading of my heat and desire for him when those things surface, like the boot on the car, as an example. I can't help that it has lessened my passion and romance towards him. Not completely, just a bit. And this has been a terrible feeling for me to experience this past week.

 

I know the solution is to TALK to him about it, and I will, just as much as I've already brought these things up recently....it is very difficult to approach it.

Like Leigh says, I can't be living with, married to, having a child with someone who doesn't pay off two parking tickets and then gets a boot on their car and has to fork over a couple hundred for no reason. I'm NOT SURE if I can live with, be married to, and have a child with someone who gives up a steady contracting job for a short period for a lower pay in exchange for 'PROBABLY' making twice as much taking on something else that isn't consistent. THAT rubbed me the wrong way too, and this was just the other day that he told me that.That part is forgivable, he's making money and working, I just don't like the risky behavior. That's what it boils down to, I think.... I don't like the riskiness and this attitude of 'chance' that he seems to be motivated by. I don't work that way personally. Maybe some people do and they do just fine, who am I to judge?

 

 

Maybe my upbringing and the men I'm surrounded with in my profession; they go to work, consistency, bring home a steady paycheck, or they own their own business and are usually working all the time. Work ethic is EXTREMELY important to me. My guy is a hard worker and isn't lazy, he enjoys working and that isn't my worry (thank GOD, he'd be out of my life fast if that were the case).

 

 

Ok, so I'm trying to nail it down here. I am absolutely torn, I've started to experience disappointment and some let down of the honeymoon feelings of all hearts and flowers. It's good that I see these things now, but other than talk to him about it and tell him my concerns, what more is there to do?

One of my best friends suggested (as did someone here, maybe Timshel?) that I not take it TOO seriously right now, still get to know, take some time, take a lot of the pressure off, just enjoy this time right now and still give it some more time to develop. I told myself by October (the year mark) that I would know FOR SURE what direction I wanted to go.

I think that's a good idea. But at what point do I start getting real with it?We are already talking about some REAL future plans, including having a life together. So how can I NOT be thinking about these things? We are both so anxious and frustrated to be separated, we are trying so hard to figure out how and if we can be in the same place, in order to figure out of we are actually compatible on a living together/in the same city basis... the desire to close the gap I think is causing him to want to move faster, take the next step... and that's making me feel more intensely about all the 'what ifs'.

I think I need to take a step back from the relationship. Maybe just mentally. I'm not saying I want to break up. I just need to take a step back for a little bit.

How do I do this?

 

 

 

 

I sort of went through this in my own way. We had an intense honeymoon phase..... He was also long distance albeit, a mere 2 hours away drive....I went to South America also which made it all dreamy and long distanc - y, with long declarations of our love and claims of "never having felt this way" before, the whole nine yards.

 

Then I saw him for who he really was; all of a sudden, the fact he could not be bothered buying a bed and instead, slept on a mattress on the floor, started to provoke some internal debate within....He had debt, bad credit, no savings although he has 100K of super for his retirement due to his good government position he held for 7 years...

 

While people on here will purport that my situation is not of any merit to yours in it's comparison, I am 30 and what if I want kids? I do not have all the time in the world either! I want the option of kids. I do not want to graduate, have a great job and learn that I need to break up with a guy I am madly in love with because I will need to function as his mom when it comes to finances...

 

So I came out of the honeymoon phase, NOT entirely, but enough to panic a little as you are. I debated whether he spoilt me enough (very important to me since I am super generous myself), or whether he could ever earn a decent wage and actually be responsible with the wage he DID earn, whatever it may be (not as important as being RESPONSIBLE).

 

Do not fret. I am a few more months along and I can say that, eventually, I know that ultimately, these men WILL make the changes necessary for us if it means keeping us.

 

Just the folks here would prefer you to find a man who already IS financially responsible from the outset. That is what it comes down to. This man will make the changes necessary! He is not unable to grasp this all, he knows full well the slight changes he needs to start making in order to have the future YOU want together! Are you cool with the fact that YOU will have to be the one to help change this ONE bad habit of his? Either find someone who is already financially responsible and end it with this guy, or set about working together with him towards a future - I believe he will make the changes needed.

 

Are YOU going to loose much respect or attraction though, for the fact you will need to coach him on one or two bad habits regarding his financial irresponsibility?????????

 

My bf and I never lost lust or attraction. But we did very briefly, during times we came to heads on one key issue that almost tore us apart (an issue similar to yours). In the end, we decided that ONE area we did not see fully 100% eye to eye on was not worth battling over.

 

Good luck.

[lana-banana]

This is your friendly lana-banana, thwapping you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. Venus! You love this man. This is a real relationship, this is real life, it's messy and frustrating and sometimes it's as terrible as it beautiful. You are past the point where you're both always on your best behavior. You don't "take a step back" from someone you love unless you're planning to end it. You need to talk to him. Period. You need to tell him everything you've told us.

 

Talk. To. Him.

 

I've been thinking about it and I now agree with BlueEyeL. I think you need to spend at least six months down there, in your own place, learning to be together as a couple. I realize it would be something of a logistical nightmare but if it's even an option* you ought to do it. It's the only way you'll get answers. The alternative is to get engaged and instead of being an excited, blissful bride-to-be you'll be stressed to death about what you don't know (and dreading every expense, and hoping desperately that you made the right decision).

 

It really is that simple, I need to tell him these things. It's really hard for me to say it for some reason, but now I have to. Because I already know I would lose my attraction and have resentment if it were to continue or worsen... That happened with my ex (for different reasons), and I know exactly what that is like. Again, I don't think he couldn't AFFORD to pay a $200 fine. Honestly.

 

You said he said he couldn't pay it. Why else would he call someone if he couldn't? I don't call my friends to pitch in when I'm annoyed about how much something might cost.

 

I take offense to the ide that he's using some manipulation tactic to keep me on a short leash. In all my years of dating and boyfriends, that tactic has NEVER happened to me and unfortunately, I've been with some really manipulative jerks. He's not one of them. He is sincere in his feelings towards me, I am very sure of that.

 

I don't think that's what he's doing either, but it absolutely does happen, especially among older men. Getting a background check would be a good idea anyway.

 

What I am about to say is not directed at your comment. But just because two people don't have the conventional and spend years dating, living together without engagement or marriage, doesn't mean anything less than that isn't just as real. I spent 4+ years living with my ex boyfriends in my twenties, and those relationships were HALF as real as this one. The time spent is irrelevant. I didn't know my ex in over 4 years of day to day, in and out, total immersion. Don't you ever hear of high school sweethearts getting married as soon as they're 18, and staying together the rest of their lives? How about the couple who elopes within a couple months of knowing each other, and spends many years happy together? How about my co-worker, who knew her husband for 5 months before he proposed and now they are happily married?

 

All happy couples, no matter how long they spent dating, face plenty of tough obstacles together and support each other. That's your challenge now. Are you up for it or aren't you?

 

 

 

 

* - I am insanely jealous you can get another job in a new city so easily. If I were living alone, I would take advantage of that for its own sake!

[introverted1]

^^ Can't like Lana's comments enough!

 

Venus, this is where the rubber meets the road! Most relationships can be blissful when in the honeymoon phases and perhaps even more so when the honeymoon phase is coupled with being in a LDR, which ramps up feelings of longing and lust and makes the coming together so much sweeter.

 

But the real work of a relationship happens in all the mundane day-to-day interactions -- who's going to walk the dog, do the dishes, clean the house, pay the bills, etc. And then there are the outside-the-bedroom compatibility issues -- finances, child-rearing, family, etc. And all that stuff can take a crazily big toll if things are out of sync.

 

So Lana is right - this is the time to start talking to him. You can't say you are ready to to talk about things like marriage and babies but not ready to ask about his finances. That's nuts!

 

If you are serious about him, now is exactly when you should be talking about some of the nitty gritty details of a life together.

[No_Go]

If you're talking about moving in the same city, it's good - is any of you taking actions? (sorry I haven't followed every post, although I skimmed through most) I agree with you if you move in the same city, to live separately, still this will give you info about real him.

 

A person can't help it if their feelings grow and naturally would want to take things to the next level - that's a powerful aphrodisiac thinking for women. Men know it. so MANY of them use it as a tactic when they want something. It cold be as simple as sex (one guy was talking about marriage on our first meet!... we were in a 'relationship' about a month, but basically 2 meets, the rest was talking), or more complicated - like financial benefits.

 

Here is my own experience with the latter:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504300-break-up-live-mooching-boyfriend

This man was talking about marriage and kids from pretty much the start. Result: 7-10 grand net loss for me in our 6 months 'relationship'. Background check (that I've done after separating) revealed why he was constantly broke: he was out of jail, had a solid history of misdemeanors and his ex-wife and ex-gf were both chasing him for money that he owed to them.

 

That's all that I'm saying for background checks. I lived it myself.

 

I'm also living myself the desire to start a family etc. I'm 31 and bloodily aware that I'm running to the end of my fertile years. But I'm consciously backing off the urges although I'm in a relationship from >1 year (my guy makes 6 figures but like yours - is financially irresponsible. Salary is not enough. Responsibility is a HUGE thing, I'm still on the fence about him mainly because of that).

 

Regarding my concern that your relationship is primarily a fantasy right now: I believe all LDRs are. You miss the daily routines. Habits. Annoyances. Money issues. Common expenses. Messiness. Chores. You're left with anticipation, sweet talking and all the time for your brain to fill the gaps.

 

Many LDRs and fast track relationships has worked - I agree. So as arranged marriages. I think it is about luck. Fantasy sometimes meet reality. Sometimes it doesn't though. You'll know pretty soon when you move closer.

 

You know your situation best of course. I wish you best of luck. I just think, what you actually noted yourself, that it is time to slow down and evaluate the reality in reality's terms.

 

Yeah, that's an interesting take. It's been more than 2-3 holidays, plus if you read the thread we both have been consistently talking about moving to the same city. A person can't help it if their feelings grow and naturally would want to take things to the next level, i.e. living together, marriage, talking about family. We aren't kids, he's already been there and done that, we are just very much on the same page with what we are looking for in a relationship. And it's marriage and family unit. I take offense to the ide that he's using some manipulation tactic to keep me on a short leash. In all my years of dating and boyfriends, that tactic has NEVER happened to me and unfortunately, I've been with some really manipulative jerks. He's not one of them. He is sincere in his feelings towards me, I am very sure of that.

I have no idea what you mean by "background check of eventual triggers"... ??

What I am about to say is not directed at your comment. But just because two people don't have the conventional and spend years dating, living together without engagement or marriage, doesn't mean anything less than that isn't just as real. I spent 4+ years living with my ex boyfriends in my twenties, and those relationships were HALF as real as this one. The time spent is irrelevant. I didn't know my ex in over 4 years of day to day, in and out, total immersion. Don't you ever hear of high school sweethearts getting married as soon as they're 18, and staying together the rest of their lives? How about the couple who elopes within a couple months of knowing each other, and spends many years happy together? How about my co-worker, who knew her husband for 5 months before he proposed and now they are happily married? My point is, you don't have to subscribe to years of dating, a year plus of living together before marriage, and spending years committing to someone without a real commitment to have a solid relationship.

[Eighty_nine]

 

.

I think I need to take a step back from the relationship. Maybe just mentally. I'm not saying I want to break up. I just need to take a step back for a little bit.

I'm not too sure how to do this.

 

I think that's going to be hard to do. You've both gotten to this point, both with each other and mentally/emotionally... it just seems stepping back might strain things.

[Eighty_nine]

What's new, Venus?

[venusishername]

This is your friendly lana-banana, thwapping you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. Venus! You love this man. This is a real relationship, this is real life, it's messy and frustrating and sometimes it's as terrible as it beautiful. You are past the point where you're both always on your best behavior. You don't "take a step back" from someone you love unless you're planning to end it. You need to talk to him. Period. You need to tell him everything you've told us.

 

Talk. To. Him.

 

I've been thinking about it and I now agree with BlueEyeL. I think you need to spend at least six months down there, in your own place, learning to be together as a couple. I realize it would be something of a logistical nightmare but if it's even an option* you ought to do it. It's the only way you'll get answers. The alternative is to get engaged and instead of being an excited, blissful bride-to-be you'll be stressed to death about what you don't know (and dreading every expense, and hoping desperately that you made the right decision).

 

All happy couples, no matter how long they spent dating, face plenty of tough obstacles together and support each other. That's your challenge now. Are you up for it or aren't you?

You are right, absolutely right. I did end up talking to him. I said my peace, I think we have reached a point where things have become real. Not that it wasn't real before, but the challenges are beginning to present themselves. At the end of the day, it's about making the commitment to commit, to make the effort, and to put stock into it. I think over the past couple weeks, we have hit some bumps in the road... some tough spots. But the way we can communicate about it and be honest with each other... that's really the best thing we can both do, and I think we are good at it.

 

 

I realized that I have been putting a lot of pressure on the relationship mentally, maybe putting pressure on myself. I liked another poster's suggestion to take some of the pressure off. For my own sake. I have made my concerns known to him, he agrees that financial security is of the utmost importance, and I think I need to trust more. He knows that it is important to me, he thinks it's important also. I'm not sure what more to say about it anymore. I see that he works hard. In his mind, he feels that he's not in a financially secure place at this moment. I think that affects him and his feelings of confidence as far as our relationship sometimes. I know he feels (from what he has told me) that he wants to be able to provide that security. I know he does. I know that he values it. And so do I. Having that conversation the other day... I'm not sure I need to say much more about it, or worry much more about it. I think I need to put more faith in him.

^^ Can't like Lana's comments enough!

 

Venus, this is where the rubber meets the road! Most relationships can be blissful when in the honeymoon phases and perhaps even more so when the honeymoon phase is coupled with being in a LDR, which ramps up feelings of longing and lust and makes the coming together so much sweeter.

 

But the real work of a relationship happens in all the mundane day-to-day interactions -- who's going to walk the dog, do the dishes, clean the house, pay the bills, etc. And then there are the outside-the-bedroom compatibility issues -- finances, child-rearing, family, etc. And all that stuff can take a crazily big toll if things are out of sync.

 

So Lana is right - this is the time to start talking to him. You can't say you are ready to to talk about things like marriage and babies but not ready to ask about his finances. That's nuts!

 

If you are serious about him, now is exactly when you should be talking about some of the nitty gritty details of a life together.

Absolutely! Your comment about 'the rubber meets the road' has resonated with me all week long, THANK YOU. The blissful falling in love part has morphed into the 'real' challenges. Now that we both are committed to this, these things, the good and the bad, the challenges, the roadblocks, have surfaced. I think that ultimately, the distance has become quite a strain for me. I'm sure for him too. At first he thought it was romantic, this idea of having an absence making the heart grow fonder, the falling in love and getting to know... but now that we reached this six month mark.. things have come up, as I've shared here.

We have great communication though. I have never felt not heard by him. If I tell him I want to talk, like I have several times over the course of our dating now, with my concerns, he dedicates his full attention to me and is committed to the time to talk, and doesn't act annoyed or bothered abut it, he WANTS to hear me, to communicate, to talk about it. Geez, I'm lucky in that way. So many men hate talking about the relationship. He seems to put a lot of effort into it. That says a lot to me. He does value my input, he wants to make me happy. He doesn't want to lose me. He has made that very clear.

I'm so glad we talked about these recent concerns. Like I said, I'm not sure what more I can say about it. He knows.

 

 

On that note, the idea of me moving out there and getting my own place... just to see what it would be like.. I would consider it, definitely. It's noncommittal for me, and well, more safe. He was so against that. He was very adamant that if I were to move there, he wants me in his house. No questions about it. I remain firm in my stance about not living together without a commitment (engagement). However, I realize that it may still be too soon to do that. I don't want him to propose out of pressure, just to get me to be with him. I know he wants me with him, but I don't want it to be MY idea to get married. It's not an ultimatum. I just don't want to waste my time. I won't move in with a man again without a commitment, then find myself years older, shutting myself off from other opportunities, moving across the country for someone with no promise, he would get all the benefits of a wife without the commitment. I don't want to be a girlfriend anymore, I want to be a wife. I figure the only way I can be sure of getting what I want is to only depend on myself. Right?

Some of my friends say I just need to take the leap and be with him.

 

 

The distance is really straining things for me now. It's never been easy, but it's true, the rubber has met the road. We are invested now.

It's kind of come down to which one of us is going to make the compromise to come together in the same city. I see the move for me to go there, find a job, get my own place, as pretty easy. I'm also a more adventurous and ballsy person when it comes to these things. He has voiced that he feels it is a big financial move to leave there, he doesn't feel comfortable enough to do that right now, it would take time to get there. I think we differ in that way. I feel that he's more stuck in his ways, maybe less adventurous than me. I see it as feasible, pretty darn easy. Risky, and scary, but totally possible. I don't need to save up a bunch of money to move there. He makes it seem as if his financial situation is preventing him from moving here. The bottom line is that his concerns about not having the financial security he thinks he should have is getting in the way of his ego in terms of this relationship. I don't know when he will feel more comfortable about it. I just know that it's not NOW.

 

 

So- I decided to let it rest for now, all this angst on my end. I said my peace. Right now, it's kind of in this limbo, how we are going to close the distance. How we are going to be together on a day to day basis, like a non-long distance relationship. The distance is really getting to me lately.

Something came up the other day that I don't really want to get into. Everything is fine, but let's just put it this way: he is fiercely protective over our relationship and I can tell he's not going to easily let things get in the way of it. He doesn't want to lose me. He tells me and shows me that all the time. So, I just have to trust him more. I can tell him what I want, what I don't like, what I expect, what my boundaries are.

I believe he will do what he has to do. That's kind of what I meant about taking a step back, I just meant taking the pressure off, mentally.

I already know that he wants to make me happy. So, I decided to 'take a step back' meaning... go back to being receptive, and just 'being'. Sometimes I want to be more in control, to try and plan, to put a wall up, to be critical.

 

 

I feel good about things. But like I said, the distance is really starting to become a strain sometimes for me.

He told me last night that he will be here to see me as soon as possible. I don't think he's going to wait too long. We do have a lot of longing between us... that keeps the fire going, I admit.

[Imported]

What if you like the rain. And you're ok with it when it starts pouring.

[lana-banana]

Pardon my idiocy (did I miss where you wrote it?), but what did he say in response to your concerns? Did you work out a plan to be more open about finances and how are you going to respond to future issues?

 

I don't understand why he's so opposed to your getting your own place down there. It's a huge step forward for your relationship. He should be excited! What about it bothers him so much?

[clia]

On that note, the idea of me moving out there and getting my own place... just to see what it would be like.. I would consider it, definitely. It's noncommittal for me, and well, more safe. He was so against that. He was very adamant that if I were to move there, he wants me in his house. No questions about it.

 

No questions about it...really? So you have to uproot your entire life to move to his city, but you get no say in where you live? Hmmmmm...... Why is he so against it? I personally think you should get your own place so you can date him while living in the same city without immediately jumping into a living together situation.

[sagamore]

He does sound communicative, and consistent in his behavior to you.

 

But he also sounds impulsive, disorganized and controlling. Something happened the other day that you don't want to get into? Let me guess, did he threaten the ex who tried to talk to you? And he "wants you at his place" if you give up your life to move there?

 

I don't know, Venus. I get that you want an alpha-male protector type. But I'm worried about this guy's lack of impulse control - and I'm not sure it's just limited to finances.

 

I'd do a background check. Right away. Please be careful.

[MidwestUSA]

I'd do a background check. Right away.

 

I would surely hope that was done before anyone flew cross country to visit another.

 

I've always run a check as soon as I have a last name, if there's a second date planned. No name, no date.

[lana-banana]

We have great communication though. I have never felt not heard by him. If I tell him I want to talk, like I have several times over the course of our dating now, with my concerns, he dedicates his full attention to me and is committed to the time to talk, and doesn't act annoyed or bothered abut it, he WANTS to hear me, to communicate, to talk about it. Geez, I'm lucky in that way. So many men hate talking about the relationship. He seems to put a lot of effort into it. That says a lot to me. He does value my input, he wants to make me happy. He doesn't want to lose me. He has made that very clear.

 

I'm so glad we talked about these recent concerns. Like I said, I'm not sure what more I can say about it. He knows.

 

But what did he say? What has he promised to do, what has he promised to change, how are you going to work on your finances together going forward? What's the good of him knowing about your concerns if he isn't actually going to do anything about it?

 

I don't believe you should put a lot of pressure on him, but by now it's not enough to "just trust him". You need a concrete plan for moving forward.

 

On that note, the idea of me moving out there and getting my own place... just to see what it would be like.. I would consider it, definitely. It's noncommittal for me, and well, more safe. He was so against that. He was very adamant that if I were to move there, he wants me in his house. No questions about it. I remain firm in my stance about not living together without a commitment (engagement). However, I realize that it may still be too soon to do that.

 

I don't like this at all. "No questions about it"? I realize you're not giving an ultimatum, but is he? If so, why? Why is he so insistent on this issue?

 

I don't want him to propose out of pressure, just to get me to be with him.

 

Bolded, italicized and underlined because I believe this is exactly where this is headed. It may not be an intentional move on his part, but he is increasingly desperate to keep you, and is willing to ratchet up the pressure.

 

He makes it seem as if his financial situation is preventing him from moving here. The bottom line is that his concerns about not having the financial security he thinks he should have is getting in the way of his ego in terms of this relationship. I don't know when he will feel more comfortable about it. I just know that it's not NOW.

 

You don't know because you still don't know what his financial situation looks like. And honestly, Venus, I have to side with him here. He is clearly not in a place to afford any kind of big financial change. He doesn't have the savings and spare income you have. It's good that he at least recognizes some limitations.

 

Something came up the other day that I don't really want to get into. Everything is fine, but let's just put it this way: he is fiercely protective over our relationship and I can tell he's not going to easily let things get in the way of it. He doesn't want to lose me. He tells me and shows me that all the time. So, I just have to trust him more. I can tell him what I want, what I don't like, what I expect, what my boundaries are.

 

This is not good. It is not good that you don't feel you can tell people what happened (because you're afraid of our reaction?), it is not good that he's getting more desperate (see above), and it is not good that you are working to hard to put a positive spin on something that is apparently quite negative. He's starting to sound controlling, which in turn makes your next sentence:

 

I believe he will do what he has to do.

 

seem kind of worrisome. I believe he will do whatever he thinks he has to do to keep you. Based on what's happened so far, I'm no longer convinced that's all good.

[venusishername]

I don't have too long to write, but a few things:

1. I don't know why he's so against me getting my own place there. I think the whole point is if I move there to be together. I mentioned the idea to a couple friends and they also thought it wasn't a good idea. So, I don't think it's him being controlling, I think he simply wants me to live with him.

2. If you can suggest a background check site, please PM me.

3. I didn't want to get into what happened the other day, because frankly, it was stupid, and I was falling asleep when I was writing about it last night.

No, he didn't contact my ex. He has no reason to do that.

He accidentally sent a group text that included me with a couple of other numbers I didn't know. I think it was like a pocket dial, because the words made no sense. Anyway, I responded with a (?) and so did someone else. Then the other person started texting me, asking who I was, where I lived, said she was a friend of my bf and he's talked about me, that she thought I knew who I was because he had mentioned me and he really loves me. Long story short, this woman continued to text me, she was trying to get quite a lot of details about me, and I started to figure it out that she was clearly jealous. It was so stupid. So I told him about it and he was upset. I asked him who was this person and he said it's just an acquaintance, and she's just gossiping and probably has a crush on him, but he told her to leave me alone and stay out of his business. It was just childish stuff and I was pretty upset about it myself. I just meant that he seems to be really protective of our relationship and he got upset that someone upset me, was interfering and just sticking their nose where they shouldn't. You will ask me why was he so upset about that. Because he doesn't want me to be upset and he doesn't want to lose the relationship or strain it.

4. Lana, you say this may be were it's headed (the feeling of pressure to propose). How on earth can I prevent that from happening? My solution is to back off and not bring it up anymore (for awhile). I already tried to find a solution about moving closer. He didn't like that idea, BUT he's not PREVENTING me from doing that. If he were controlling, he could only be as controlling as I would allow. So far, I haven't seen controlling behaviors, other than normal jealousy and protectiveness over the relationship and me. I feel that I have exhibited more jealous tendencies than he has. Just little things, it has been nothing notable and just passing.

 

 

I'm not sure how his desire to hold on to the relationship can equate to being negative or controlling. I have more experience with than most people I know, so I KNOW what that is like. Trust me.

I just think that he doesn't want to lose me and he wants to do what it takes to be with me. Period. How is that bad????

Edited May 1, 2016 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

4. Lana, you say this may be were it's headed (the feeling of pressure to propose). How on earth can I prevent that from happening

 

Stick to your guns! It's what you keep saying you're doing, but you aren't actually doing it.

 

My solution is to back off and not bring it up anymore (for awhile). I already tried to find a solution about moving closer. He didn't like that idea, BUT he's not PREVENTING me from doing that.

 

If he's not preventing you then you should do it. Explain why it's important to you, why it makes more sense for you to move rather than him, and why you believe it's good for your relationship. Tell him you don't feel ready to be engaged and that you hope to use this time to become closer and learn how to solve your problems together.

 

I really don't understand why he's so against the idea. Your move should be temporary one way or another---either because it works out and you get engaged, or it doesn't work out and you move home. What's the basis for his objection? Maybe I'm just like you. I need more information.

 

So long as you're able to move down there to be with him on your own terms, in your own place, there's no real issue here. But I don't like the idea that he somehow won't "let" you, "no questions about it".