When it rains it pours

[No_Go]

Sorry if young sounded offensive - I said it just as an example why you may not be a little more idealistic than older people like myself.

 

I challenge you to post a link suggesting that you are not jointly owning and responsible for any money / assets / debt acquired after marriage (except inheritance) in CA and/or LA. (It will be actually very helpful for me since I'm considering marriage as well and I'm researching the topic to know my rights and obligations).

 

Nobody's advocating hiding money and assets. I draft legal contracts often, and have reviewed circa 40 cohabitation agreements and pre nup's in juristictions all over the world. I'd call myself knowledgeable on this topic, and also young (why are you thinking youth is something to slight me with?). Bizarre on your part.

 

I think you haven't understood what I typed, else you wouldn't have introduced these odd themes of hiding money and marriage being antiquated. If you respond to things I've actually conveyed, I'd be more than happy to comment on them.

[No_Go]

Venus, I understand you have no plans of speculating and it is his offer, it just doesn't makes sense in conjunction with the idea for imminent engagement/marriage. I think that confuses most people in this thread (and that's why you get conflicting opinions and advice) - the circling between engagement/marriage in the very recent future, and keeping independent / being dated / pursued etc. It is either the one or the other.

[lana-banana]

I have been reading over the last few pages and acknowledge I was mistaken in pushing you to be so open financially. It's clear you guys are a long way off from being engaged, much less married. Everything thus far has just been various amounts of talk. Sure, you like the idea of being married, but neither of you is taking concrete steps to make it happen---and given how much you're still learning about each other, that's completely appropriate. Since you aren't about to be living together anytime soon there's no need to share everything right now. I'll revise my assessment once he's asked for your father's permission and gone ring shopping.

 

That being said, I wonder if you're not a bit hung up on the wrong things. You wrote about all the self-induced pressure you feel to be married, how you're longing to have someome to come home to and have a family unit, how much you don't want to be a 40-year-old bride, and not a word about how badly you want to be HIS wife. Try swapping the gender pronouns in your post and imagine it was your boyfriend writing about you. Wouldn't you be kind of hurt? I woukd feel like he obviously cared more about being married to the first halfway decent woman who would have him, not that he wanted to be specifically married to me. That's not a recipe for long-term compatibility.

 

Weddings and rings are just things at the end of the day, and very unimportant thiglngs at that. I am not trying to be Buzzkill Banana but if those things are so precious to you, you made the wrong choice. You aren't starry-eyed yuppies planning a special day. This is a financially strapped middle-aged man with grown children on his second marriage. A big frilly fairytale wedding with a diamond ring is not going to happen, period. And it doesn't need to because none of that really matters. I don't know a single couple that wished they spent more on their wedding, but I can't even count how many say they wish they'd eloped.

 

Enjoy planning your next trip and take some time to figure out where things are going from here. I do hope you learn more about his finances (you reiterated you still don't know details) before you commit to anything long-term, but that's a ways off. And I vote for using your pocket money on a trip to the therapist. An unbiased sounding board can talk you through all your feelings. They should also be able to help you tease out what it is you really want from a life together with this man, and what's holding you back.

[Grisho]

Come on. I think you are spinning things here. It was not my idea to move in with him, sock away my own money and hoard it for myself and not contribute or plan together for joint expenses. The facts are- he has offered me to move in, for no cost except I would help contribute to the food expenses. That's pretty vague, isn't it? He says I could save the money I make working to pay off my loan and maybe get a new car, or save in general. I never said I wouldn't be interested or would like to pool money together with him. That was something you said. I said it is too early to commingle because.... I'm not living with him right now. So why get all the nuts and bolts of the numbers he has in the bank, pension, etc.? That's all I meant. We aren't married, and we don't even live together. So why am I concerning myself with the fine details of finances right now? There's no need yet. IF I did live with him, then yes, of course, there would be some commingling of money.

 

Ok, I guess I can see why you would be confused by this. Let's just keep it simple and one step at a time. He is offering me to live with him and save my money I'm currently spending on my own rent. No further discussion has been had about other costs, shared expenses, etc., other than him suggesting that I could contribute to the cooking, food, etc. So I think we are getting ahead of ourselves by speculating that he will be paying ALL or most of the costs and I'll just be hoarding it away for myself. I don't see that happening. I think he's just trying to offer me a good situation where I don't have to spend so much in rent. That's it right now.

 

Just to comment here. Your posts read a little defensively, and I don't think you need to have such a reaction. Not trying to be rude or contrary. Here's why... You've never acknowledged sharing expenses. You've never acknowledged sharing dating costs. You've posts the complete opposite of each of those (that you expect him to be paying both). Lovely that you're now posting about different ideas, that actually involve sharing, but you hadn't done that before.

 

I know it's probably frustrating for you when we question things you think are obvious, but try to see it as an exercise that stops all the spinning that we previously had re finances. Your vagueness and panic around your man's finances led loads of other people into a spin, which increased your spinning and panic.

 

Sometimes, people post questions to help you explain yourself clearly, or to help you to think through topics.

 

I never said it was idyllic. I grew up privileged and had a comfortable life, not wanting for anything. My dad wasn't very reliable at times and was not there for me in moments of my life the way I wanted and needed him to be. He was not always stable. We have always had a close relationship but not without some issues, I guess.

 

Don't long for a life like that, then. Long for something more loving, more structured, and whether things are earnt and shared in a happy, supportive relationship. I'm, personally, against the notion of "not wanting for anything", as people should work hard and earn what they have, whether a material possession or strong relationship with a friend or partner.

 

I don't expect him to do anything. He's offering to pay the living expenses if I move in, save my cooking or food costs, etc. I don't also expect him to pay for all of our dating costs if that was the case. As of right now? He does pay for most of our dating costs, but I contribute where possible. For example, half my plane ticket, or all of my ticket to Mexico, a dinner here, a coffee there. Again, one step at a time.

 

Here's why this gets brought up. You stress often how you tell him you will not move in with him, and he won't be moving in with you etc prior to engagement. You go to great pains to stress that over and over to him and us, yet never advocate true sharing of finances. NB nobody's pushing for figures, but simply your commitment to sharing the financial load. You're willing to passively accept his "I'll pay for everything so you can save for yourself", but don't passively accept his "move into my home before engagement". 1 idea provokes a strong reaction in you, and the other doesn't.

 

But I have no desire to move to NO if it wasn't for him. So in effect, I would be moving only for him. I am perfectly happy here in CA.

 

Understood. I've moved for a relationship, moved for the fun of learning a new language and living with different people, and moved for work reasons. Assuming you sort out a job and living arrangements, why can't you imagine building a life in New Orleans? What do you expect, if you don't do that - that you're going to just SPEND TIME with your man any time you are not at work? Why can't you love life in California and in New Orleans? Those aren't mutually exclusive. I've loved life in loads of places.

 

More than $25k. That's not too much compared to other people, but it's a looming number.

 

Thanks for explaining.

 

I'm pretty familiar with legal clauses, and I am familiar with my landlord. It is very clear that subletting is not allowed. End of story, it's not an option, ok?

 

Clearer - thanks.

 

Yes we both have an idea. I think I have actually looked into housing more than he has. If i moved there, I would probably rent out a furnished one bedroom apartment and live alone.

 

Great. Good that you have this info. It shows an important piece of preparation on your part.

[WonderKid]

Wow I remember this post!

[sc0316]

After reading the previous few pages, I must say that I stand by what I wrote in the following post.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting the lifestyle you want and with wanting your husband/bf to bear most of the financial burden, but you have to be honest with yourself about what you want.

 

I apologize if I sound a little too harsh. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if your boyfriend might be more compatible with someone who is a little less high maintenance.

 

Venus: If you're to get married, are you willing to contribute to 50% of the household expenses (rent/mortgage, utilities, childcare, groceries, insurance, transportation, and everything)? My guess is that, with some help in budgeting, your bf should have no problem contributing to half of your joint expenses if you're to be married. But you seem to be the type who expects the bf/husband to bear most of the financial burden. Is that true?

[venusishername]

Just to comment here. Your posts read a little defensively, and I don't think you need to have such a reaction. Not trying to be rude or contrary. Here's why... You've never acknowledged sharing expenses. You've never acknowledged sharing dating costs. You've posts the complete opposite of each of those (that you expect him to be paying both). Lovely that you're now posting about different ideas, that actually involve sharing, but you hadn't done that before.

 

I know it's probably frustrating for you when we question things you think are obvious, but try to see it as an exercise that stops all the spinning that we previously had re finances. Your vagueness and panic around your man's finances led loads of other people into a spin, which increased your spinning and panic.

 

Sometimes, people post questions to help you explain yourself clearly, or to help you to think through topics.

 

 

 

Don't long for a life like that, then. Long for something more loving, more structured, and whether things are earnt and shared in a happy, supportive relationship. I'm, personally, against the notion of "not wanting for anything", as people should work hard and earn what they have, whether a material possession or strong relationship with a friend or partner.

 

 

 

Here's why this gets brought up. You stress often how you tell him you will not move in with him, and he won't be moving in with you etc prior to engagement. You go to great pains to stress that over and over to him and us, yet never advocate true sharing of finances. NB nobody's pushing for figures, but simply your commitment to sharing the financial load. You're willing to passively accept his "I'll pay for everything so you can save for yourself", but don't passively accept his "move into my home before engagement". 1 idea provokes a strong reaction in you, and the other doesn't.

 

 

Ok, I know you are helping by trying to get me from stopping the downward spiral of panic and thinking things through. I appreciate that. I have been extremely on edge lately, my relationship among other things really weighing on my mind.

I am really, really struggling with all this, so I had to back off from LS for a couple days. I'm not sure how it got to the point where it was about me 'expecting him to cover both' - meaning my living expenses and dating expenses, because again, all he has done is make an offer to cover my rent expenses if I were to move in with him. The thing is, I'd be paying a portion of the living expenses as he asked that I help with the food at home. I get really frustrated that people would think that means I'm blindly accepting his offer, because I have never accepted it, plus I don't feel that would be totally fair, however, rather than splitting everything down the middle like roommates would, yes, if I did move in to his house I would prefer that he pay for more than half of it. I don't think it is realistic if I work full time that I would sock away all my savings and not contribute to the household expenses and joint purchases. That just wouldn't happen. So I don't get wrapped up in explaining it too much on here, for one thing because I will not move in with him at this point, and also because it's only an offer and not reality.

 

 

And yes, I get frustrated explaining, but I realize I have to.

 

 

I don't have much time tonight, but I've been really on the fence whether to go all in or end things. I'm going to be with him in 2 weeks and things have been strained between us. We still talk daily and in fact he is going above and beyond lately to be there for me, take time, and be 'present', which I appreciate. We have spent a LOT of time talking about all this serious stuff lately, but sometimes I don't feel that we are on the same page, or we are, but neither one of us is making a move to get on the same page. We have good intentions, and I know that he loves me a lot, and I think he is good for me in many ways. He has great qualities and is a good man, but I honestly wonder if we can actually close the distance before it is too late. I decided that I'm renewing my lease. I also decided that I'm not willing to move there and give up my job, my place, and my life here, UNLESS he is willing to make sacrifices too, and meet me half way. The way I see it, offering (that's offering) to cover the rent and utilities, etc. is not him making sacrifices. He's already doing that. If I were to move in, he wouldn't have to give up a thing, except some privacy and closet space. That's not good enough for me. I'm not willing to do all that if he's not willing to do his part.

He talks about finding work here, but he's never done it. He's not actually working towards that goal, as far as I know. He's always made excuses, like it's about money, he can't leave his house behind, or he has to take an exam, or he doesn't have enough saved. Then I see him spending money all the time, and he doesn't save (much). So he's not actually doing anything to make any moves. So why should I? Maybe I'm being proud, but I'm not 100% this is the right guy for me, so I'm REALLY not comfortable with a big move across the country.

I know I would be ok, and make it ok. But would it be worth it.

Is he the right guy for me? In many ways, I think he could be, but as far as the day in and day out, long term goals... that I am not convinced.

He already was married and had kids. That's not as much of a priority for him as it is me. He claims to not be financially secure. He says that often, and I told him I'm tired of hearing it, if he's going to be complaining about it. I don't really know if he's exaggerating or he just means he doesn't have savings and much disposable income.. which it seems.... so that doesn't make me feel very secure about joining my life with him. Then he gets frustrated talking about money, so it goes in circles. Point is, he complains about it to the point that I have seriously questioned it.

That doesn't make me feel very confident in his capability as a husband and father. He's a good man, I know he is loving to no end... but like I said, I'm not sure we are on the same page, with where we want to go and how we can come together.

 

 

I think he and I both have been very frustrated and having some doubts lately. I think the distance is a big factor in that, it's easy to feel that way.

I'm not sure what is right for me anymore.

[Sunkissedpatio]

For what it's worth Venus I think you did the right thing to lay off here for a while too many opinions I'm sure can contribute to analysis paralysis. Not to mention if you are getting a bit confused by all the opinions I am sure it affects your "vibe" when you are dealing with him.

 

I hope when you see him next you can focus on each other and decide from that. Really I hope you can trust your man enough to take the plunge or decide what is best for you.

 

I sincerely hope it goes great! too many sad stories here of unrequited love would be nice to read about a love story gone well for a change. No pressure though... hahah

[sagamore]

Ok, I know you are helping by trying to get me from stopping the downward spiral of panic and thinking things through. I appreciate that. I have been extremely on edge lately, my relationship among other things really weighing on my mind.

I am really, really struggling with all this, so I had to back off from LS for a couple days. I'm not sure how it got to the point where it was about me 'expecting him to cover both' - meaning my living expenses and dating expenses, because again, all he has done is make an offer to cover my rent expenses if I were to move in with him. The thing is, I'd be paying a portion of the living expenses as he asked that I help with the food at home. I get really frustrated that people would think that means I'm blindly accepting his offer, because I have never accepted it, plus I don't feel that would be totally fair, however, rather than splitting everything down the middle like roommates would, yes, if I did move in to his house I would prefer that he pay for more than half of it. I don't think it is realistic if I work full time that I would sock away all my savings and not contribute to the household expenses and joint purchases. That just wouldn't happen. So I don't get wrapped up in explaining it too much on here, for one thing because I will not move in with him at this point, and also because it's only an offer and not reality.

 

 

And yes, I get frustrated explaining, but I realize I have to.

 

 

I don't have much time tonight, but I've been really on the fence whether to go all in or end things. I'm going to be with him in 2 weeks and things have been strained between us. We still talk daily and in fact he is going above and beyond lately to be there for me, take time, and be 'present', which I appreciate. We have spent a LOT of time talking about all this serious stuff lately, but sometimes I don't feel that we are on the same page, or we are, but neither one of us is making a move to get on the same page. We have good intentions, and I know that he loves me a lot, and I think he is good for me in many ways. He has great qualities and is a good man, but I honestly wonder if we can actually close the distance before it is too late. I decided that I'm renewing my lease. I also decided that I'm not willing to move there and give up my job, my place, and my life here, UNLESS he is willing to make sacrifices too, and meet me half way. The way I see it, offering (that's offering) to cover the rent and utilities, etc. is not him making sacrifices. He's already doing that. If I were to move in, he wouldn't have to give up a thing, except some privacy and closet space. That's not good enough for me. I'm not willing to do all that if he's not willing to do his part.

He talks about finding work here, but he's never done it. He's not actually working towards that goal, as far as I know. He's always made excuses, like it's about money, he can't leave his house behind, or he has to take an exam, or he doesn't have enough saved. Then I see him spending money all the time, and he doesn't save (much). So he's not actually doing anything to make any moves. So why should I? Maybe I'm being proud, but I'm not 100% this is the right guy for me, so I'm REALLY not comfortable with a big move across the country.

I know I would be ok, and make it ok. But would it be worth it.

Is he the right guy for me? In many ways, I think he could be, but as far as the day in and day out, long term goals... that I am not convinced.

He already was married and had kids. That's not as much of a priority for him as it is me. He claims to not be financially secure. He says that often, and I told him I'm tired of hearing it, if he's going to be complaining about it. I don't really know if he's exaggerating or he just means he doesn't have savings and much disposable income.. which it seems.... so that doesn't make me feel very secure about joining my life with him. Then he gets frustrated talking about money, so it goes in circles. Point is, he complains about it to the point that I have seriously questioned it.

That doesn't make me feel very confident in his capability as a husband and father. He's a good man, I know he is loving to no end... but like I said, I'm not sure we are on the same page, with where we want to go and how we can come together.

 

 

I think he and I both have been very frustrated and having some doubts lately. I think the distance is a big factor in that, it's easy to feel that way.

I'm not sure what is right for me anymore.

 

This is a real, honest post. You're doing the tough but necessary work in separating out what you need from the confusion of everyday emotional highs and lows. Venus, there is NOTHING WRONG with needing (or *really wanting*) marriage, kids -- even financial stability. That doesn't make you high maintenance; it makes you more honest than most people out there are willing to be on the internet. (I'm waaaay more "high maintenance" than you, so never fear ) And honestly, I think it makes you smart and practical to be concerned about the reality of whether your priorities align with his. When you're considering bringing a child into the world, I think it's part of your obligation to consider how that child's needs will be met. So well done in thinking this through rather than just letting the BC fail.

 

I continue to think the marriage and kids will be the breaking point. He would love you and cherish you day-to-day; but can he partner with you in a financially stable marriage? Does he even want to get married again, or would he rather just be in a loving relationship with fewer expectations? Does he even want another child, or does he feel done with the ones he has? Is he worried about supporting or being able to manage the demands of a third child?

 

I'm proud of the way you have gone about thinking this through. Sure, it would be nice to have a "love story" but I can read poetry for that. I'd rather read a story about someone who found her true happiness and power -- and realized that both came from within.

[Grisho]

Take you time, catch your breath, and come back when you can. You are really well thought of here, Venus. People are invested in your story because we like you a lot, and see greatness in you. You have made significant strides in your thinking, and deserve kudos for that. 1 of the reasons you are so easily loveable is we experience you in 3D - you've invested loads in us, too.

 

We're all on a journey, just trying to find our feet and making mistakes.

 

Take care.

[Els]

I also decided that I'm not willing to move there and give up my job, my place, and my life here, UNLESS he is willing to make sacrifices too, and meet me half way. The way I see it, offering (that's offering) to cover the rent and utilities, etc. is not him making sacrifices. He's already doing that. If I were to move in, he wouldn't have to give up a thing, except some privacy and closet space. That's not good enough for me. I'm not willing to do all that if he's not willing to do his part.

 

This sounds like a good decision to me.

 

He talks about finding work here, but he's never done it. He's not actually working towards that goal, as far as I know. He's always made excuses, like it's about money, he can't leave his house behind, or he has to take an exam, or he doesn't have enough saved. Then I see him spending money all the time, and he doesn't save (much). So he's not actually doing anything to make any moves. So why should I? Maybe I'm being proud, but I'm not 100% this is the right guy for me, so I'm REALLY not comfortable with a big move across the country.

I know I would be ok, and make it ok. But would it be worth it.

Is he the right guy for me? In many ways, I think he could be, but as far as the day in and day out, long term goals... that I am not convinced.

He already was married and had kids. That's not as much of a priority for him as it is me. He claims to not be financially secure. He says that often, and I told him I'm tired of hearing it, if he's going to be complaining about it. I don't really know if he's exaggerating or he just means he doesn't have savings and much disposable income.. which it seems.... so that doesn't make me feel very secure about joining my life with him. Then he gets frustrated talking about money, so it goes in circles. Point is, he complains about it to the point that I have seriously questioned it.

That doesn't make me feel very confident in his capability as a husband and father. He's a good man, I know he is loving to no end... but like I said, I'm not sure we are on the same page, with where we want to go and how we can come together.

 

I'm glad you're looking at this in a logical manner. I think many of us agree that you guys just aren't right for each other, especially in terms of what both of you want out of your relationship and life in general.

[introverted1]

Venus, I know you are a thinker and an analyser. And I know you use LS as a way to organize your thoughts.

 

That said, you met this guy in post 711 on page 48. We're now on post 1212 on page 81. Without getting into specifics, I think that in and of itself is an indicator of some level of angst. It's hard to imagine that there'd be a need for this much introspection/analysis/back-and-forth in a relationship that was the right fit.

[No_Go]

Some people are just more insecure (and provoke more discussions filling the pages ). But I also noticed one thing - post from April-May to now are almost repetitive. On paper it looks like spinning in circles rather than upward spiraling.

 

That's ok if Venus didn't have a tight timeline. But since she does - she needs to snap from this spinning wheel one way or another. I think the visit in two weeks should be critical - unless they agree one of them is moving to the other, seems it's time to call it quits (emphasizing I'm saying that just because of the timeline that Venus self-imposed).

 

Venus, I know you are a thinker and an analyser. And I know you use LS as a way to organize your thoughts.

 

That said, you met this guy in post 711 on page 48. We're now on post 1212 on page 81. Without getting into specifics, I think that in and of itself is an indicator of some level of angst. It's hard to imagine that there'd be a need for this much introspection/analysis/back-and-forth in a relationship that was the right fit.

[venusishername]

Some people are just more insecure (and provoke more discussions filling the pages ). But I also noticed one thing - post from April-May to now are almost repetitive. On paper it looks like spinning in circles rather than upward spiraling.

 

That's ok if Venus didn't have a tight timeline. But since she does - she needs to snap from this spinning wheel one way or another. I think the visit in two weeks should be critical - unless they agree one of them is moving to the other, seems it's time to call it quits (emphasizing I'm saying that just because of the timeline that Venus self-imposed).

Yes, I have anxiety and use LS as a journal sometimes, so it's not as if this particular relationship has me spinning in circles... if you read the previous posts before I met him and even some of my previous threads, the pattern is the same for me with ALL my relationships. This one just so happened to last the longest in the past 5 years for me. I don't think it's so much HIM and this relationship as it is ME spinning in my own thoughts. I think too much. I wish I was one of those people who was blasé and easy going, I'm just not. Hence the spinning in circles. Story of my life.

 

When I wrote that post the other day, I had hit my breaking point of frustration. With other personal and work matters just compounding it. My friend told me I've been in a bad mood lately and well, I have. Tonight I had to hole myself in the house and be alone, I can't tell you how much it feels good to do that. No commitments, no routine, no obligations. I'm off!!

 

As far as the relationship goes, the upcoming visit causes me pressure, in that... well, in my mind, it is a critical point. This will be just under a year that we have been together. My lease is ending soon, and I need to renew and potentially find another roommate because mine is likely leaving. My job is good, but lately it's really been getting to me, and I realize I can find a better job, in time, anywhere. I know that when we see each other, things will solidify or they won't. I don't know what exactly 'solidify' means... but I do know that every time we spend together, things progress because of the time we spent together. We can renew our intimacy and connect, and talk face to face and make future plans. That is what we have been doing all along. And although there are things that he does that I might find annoying or obnoxious sometimes, he does things and says things that totally melt my heart and I feel as though he can see right through to me to my core. He's so adoring and patient and loving, his negative qualities are far outweighed by the positive ones. I've never met, dated, or known a man as loving and adoring as he is. That is so hard to find. Even if sometimes I get frustrated with him, at the end of it he makes me smile, laugh, and feel better, safe, and understood.

 

We had a long conversation the other day (mostly through text while I was at work), when I was at my peak of frustration, I told him many of my recent concerns, about moving there, and what is he offering, how I felt he wouldn't be making any sacrifices and I feel that isn't fair, what is he bringing to the table (other than some closet space and half of his bed). He didn't seem to get the point that I was trying to make. He reiterated that he was offering me a free place to live, my cat can come and he loves her (he sends me funny cat videos often because he knows I have a cat), etc. And I told him thanks for the offer but that's not really what I'm looking for. I already have a roommate and I don't want to live with a roommate anymore (I realize I was being difficult and unfair by saying that to him). I was frustrated with this whole situation, and frustrated that he wasn't 'getting it'. I was frustrated that he kept asking me as if he could break me down and make me change my mind on my belief that I don't feel it is a good idea for us to live together at this point (for the same reason I've been saying all along here). I told him we are just dating, and I need more of a commitment before I move in with him. He said, "we're not dating". For a moment I thought he was breaking up with me because I've been a pain in the ass lately and he finally gave up. But then he said "no, we are in a committed, serious relationship!!" and sent a really nice picture of me, him, his son and my mom when they met the last time he was here. I got a lump in my throat and cried a little. Well, he was right. He knows how I feel, I couldn't push it anymore. At this point, I know we are in a serious relationship. He knows I would like to be married and have a family (at this point I would be ok with one child at my age). But that is not something to be forced or pressed, and I'm not. We have talked about it and I already know he has been thinking about this long term. So it's not as if he doesn't see that with me and doesn't take this seriously, and I truly believe that he wants to live together before we commit to being married, to see if we are really compatible day by day. I can't fault him for that, I really can't. Most people here anyway would and have sided with him on that. Maybe I'm being too proud, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I know he wouldn't like it if I moved there and didn't move in with him, but that may be what happens.

 

At this point, he is not likely to move here any time soon, so I have the open invitation to move in to his house, or I can rent my own place out there on my own and at least be there on my own terms. I feel that if I moved in with him it would be on HIS terms, not mine. And I'm not ok with that. Maybe that's a past relationship issue for me, but it is what it is, and I'm not going to fight it. It's how I feel.

I realize that things can't continue like this. The long distance has worn its course. I know when we talk sometimes, lately he has been saying things like, "if you were here, I would...; "just think, if we were together right now, we could...." I think it's cute that he'll video chat me so we can have coffee or dinner together, like we did tonight. He said it was "like a real date". He really wants to be together. Every day. It's no longer all hearts and flowers, it's "I wish we could just watch TV together tonight". He's trying to make me a good offer. I have to give him credit.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I hesitate so much. Am I spinning in circles about the unknown, and holding myself in this prison of uncertainty when I have the power to change it? He's offering a very reasonable solution. I twist his good intention to something I mistrust. Will I ever REALLY know if we are compatible until I go all in to this? No. You never really know. My best girlfriend is considering ending her 10 year relationship to a man she recently finally married. They've lived together for years now. Years! They know each other better than most. They're married. It doesn't mean you're compatible, or it doesn't mean people grow apart either. My cousin just split up with her long term boyfriend... they lived together, I sure as hell thought they were compatible... I guess you never know until you live it, right? Even if you know someone and date them or are married to them every single day, you don't know until the rubber meets the road, so to speak. I think it takes time.

 

On that note, I think what I was saying earlier is that I DON'T know if we are compatible day to day as far as the long term. I think we have the same family values and have similar lifestyle compatibilities as far as we are both health conscious and are conscientious with our home environment, we enjoy many of the same activities and can share in great conversations, we both love to travel, we both love dancing, we love children and animals, all that stuff you discover when you are just 'dating'.

As far as long term goals, yes, I do believe he would like to be married again, because he didn't get it right before with his first marriage in his 30s, and did not marry the mother of the kids way back when he was 20 years old. He told me he wished that he could have that family unit, and would like a chance to do it right this time. So- I mean, he says that, and I feel the same way.. so as far as I understand (to answer Sagamore's question).. to the best of my knowledge we are both on the same page on that. I see how he values other marriages in his life, and is incredibly devoted to his own kids. So I don't doubt that he values and desires marriage and family unit like I do, because it is so engrained in his own family and through his devotion to his kids. It's heartwarming. So, I mean, I think that is compatible with what I want too. I think it is. I don't know. It's not as easy as saying, "Yeah, we both love dancing". From what I have experienced with him, yes, to the best of my knowledge, we are on the same page about that. And plus, since he's known that all along about me, he would be a dick if he knew he couldn't provide that or wanted it too. Right? I would really hope so. I don't see a bad bone in his body, so I don't worry much about that.

I look around at other couples lately to observe. I know them all over the spectrum. I see my yuppie friends (Lana mentioned yuppie the other day and I thought of some people I know and where I work and had to laugh), who just paid a million dollars for a tiny house because it was their life long dream to have their own property. They make great money, save, are smart, responsible, and are doing better than most people my age are that I know. But I look at them and they have no romance. Her life is consumed by work and not her family. Her husband ends up taking the kid to day care and picking up every day, while she works late and goes out child-free with her friends. They have the American dream, but I don't envy their relationship. I do envy their security and smarts as far as money and money management. That is what I am looking for.

 

 

I look at another couple I know, together for 8 years, she gets pregnant and then he marries her. She quit her job and wanted to play housewife, I see her now and she's drained, exhausted, and never has time for herself. He's a great dad and a macho guy who stepped up, I'm happy for them, but my point is, they struggle on just one income sometimes, they aren't getting any sleep with the baby, etc. No relationship is perfect. They just do their best.

Another married couple I know, they've known each other for 10 years, dated most of that time and married the last 2. I don't know any other couple who knows each other as well as those two. They've been through two cross country moves, lived together alone away from family and friends, had deaths in the family, medical events, you name it. After 10 years, she's considering leaving him. I thought they were compatible. I guess you can know someone really well and still decide you don't want to be married to them anymore. You can be compatible in values but you just can't get along, as in their case.

 

 

As far as the saving money part- I talked to my guy about this the other day. How I didn't see him or hear him talk about saving money. How I'm tired of him complaining about not having enough money when I see him or hear how he's spending his disposable income, etc. I told him point blank the other day- you are asking me to move to you. Don't you think I would also have to save up some money in order to be able to quit my job and move across the country and find a new one? Do you think I would leave CA with nothing? I would have to save too. Just like you would if you were to come here. You say you can't do that right now because you haven't saved enough or much and you need more money to make a big move like that. Well we're in the same boat then. But I don't see you saving money, or if you are you're not telling me about it.

 

 

And guess what? He told me he had a cash job the other day and he got paid after finishing the work, and he put the cash in the bank instead of in his pocket, because he remembered what I said. He said he could hear my little voice telling him, "you should be saving that money". Hey, if that's what it takes for him to be more conscientious, great. I wish he was more conscientious in general, but he's not. That's a choice I need to make whether that's something I am willing to tolerate or work with. It's not the end of the world, but it's an issue. We're never going to be yuppies buying a million dollar house. I'd be lucky having a down payment in 5 years for a one bedroom condo for myself in CA on my budget. To save $40k as a single person of my income is pretty daunting.

 

 

I don't have the solution. I don't have the answers. I'm stuck.

[LadyLike30]

Venus, I understand.

 

You look around and see marriages and relationships issssduuees and you're feeling despair. Why marry? Can you trust him? In 10 years will there be no romance. Should I move to another city to be with him?

 

Look, the problem isn't relationships. The problem is people. They pick bad men/women. I just posted in some threads where red flags are waiving high and people are still intent on being with a person they barely know, dated and got baggage.

 

So, like duh, when they ignore the obvious, in 10 years they arr hating life.

 

Don't dispair. There's good stuff out there just use your head and take your time.

 

Oh, and there's so many men out there and raining all over.

[lana-banana]

You're right that you do tend to spin in circles regardless of the relationship, but I don't think it's normal to be so unsure of your basic compatibility after ten months.

 

Your observations of other couples reminds me of my last relationship. I knew in my gut from day one we weren't a good match, but I was constantly trying to convince myself otherwise. I tried to tell myself the uncertainty I felt was normal, all couples had their issues, nobody was ever perfectly happy. Those were excuses to justify my own unhappiness. When I spent time with people I knew well who had genuinely loving and healthy relationships I felt like a fraud. How do you feel compared to your friends who are happily married?

 

He's not moving up to you and he's not ready to get engaged. So your only options are to get your own place down there or leave. Are you comfortable with that?

Edited August 21, 2016 by lana-banana

[venusishername]

You're right that you do tend to spin in circles regardless of the relationship, but I don't think it's normal to be so unsure of your basic compatibility after ten months.

 

Your observations of other couples reminds me of my last relationship. I knew in my gut from day one we weren't a good match, but I was constantly trying to convince myself otherwise. I tried to tell myself the uncertainty I felt was normal, all couples had their issues, nobody was ever perfectly happy. Those were excuses to justify my own unhappiness. When I spent time with people I knew well who had genuinely loving and healthy relationships I felt like a fraud. How do you feel compared to your friends who are happily married?

 

He's not moving down to you and he's not ready to get engaged. So your only options are to get your own place down there or leave. Are you comfortable with that?

 

Thanks, Lana. I don't know how to answer your question about how I feel compared to my friends/family who are happily married. I think he and I have a basic compatibility as far as getting along well and having a good connection with each other, I think we are best friends and have a good time together. I can't really say how that compares to other people I know who appear to be happily married. I mean, how can I compare? You don't really know what goes on behind closed doors. I think the happiest couples I know have shared values and work together as a team and are best friends who respect and honor each other. I think we have done that. I think the happiest couples I know seem to have common goals and visions for what they want their lives to be, and who work together as a team to tackle life's issues, good and bad. Not necessarily but opposites do sometimes attract, the happiest couples I know bring out the best in each other. So I think that we do have those things, as far as I can tell. The trouble is, I only know him day to day, face to face, a small amount of time in the big picture. However, we have been through some things during this past year that have been tests, I would say. Things have come up. I think the fact that we have made this long distance the entire time says a lot about our devotion to this. Most people wouldn't have stuck it out if there wasn't deep feelings and connection there.

I wouldn't say it feels like a fraud compared to other happy couples I know, I just don't feel he and I have been actually 'together' enough as a couple to even know that. When we are together, I don't feel that way. But I can understand what you said about deep down in my gut not being sure he's the right fit for me, and trying to convince myself to give it a chance.

I don't trust my own feelings sometimes, and I don't want to make decisions based on things I'm not 100% sure about either.

 

 

With that being said, no, I am not comfortable with moving there and getting my own place, OR leaving the relationship at this very moment. I feel there are too many things to talk about and experience on this next visit in two weeks to make any decision right now. I don't HAVE to do anything now, I put a timeline on it to give it a year to see if we are compatible. I think in many ways he could be the right guy for me....because he loves me, is caring, devoted, kind, patient, sweet, and makes me want to be the best I can be, and he values and respects me and wants what is in my best interest.

 

 

But then he does stupid things sometimes that make me doubt that. He's not mature enough sometimes. He can be careless and absentminded. From not paying parking tickets to leaving a handful of screws in his pocket and breaking his washing machine, or taking a bag full of liquids through airport security and getting his favorite cologne confiscated. Just like- the basic stuff. He can lack in social etiquette and can act inappropriately sometimes, not meaning harm to anyone, he has the biggest heart of anyone I've met. But sometimes he acts more like a boy than a man. He did something recently that made me really upset, something he said that was inappropriate, just making a general statement, acting foolish, as he does sometimes. I got upset about it and said that was disrespectful to say and he got defensive and said it was just a joke. But I didn't think it was funny. Sometimes I wonder if he really puts thought into things, or can just be kind of dense.

 

But then again, he has a heart of gold, and it's hard to dislike him or be upset for long. He makes up for his foolishness in many other ways.

 

 

But Lana, I hear you. Maybe I am trying to convince myself of something I already know. I'm not sure my intuition has ever been wrong either. But like I said, sometimes I can't trust my own feelings, because I know for a fact I have some serious baggage and commitment issues from my last two long term relationships. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm being unfairly critical or even defensive and putting my guard up when he may not deserve that. Maybe I am projecting and trying to protect my heart by surrounding it with questions, fears, the unknown answers.

 

He already knows I've made up my mind that I'm not moving in with him. He asked me last night what is it that he can do to make sure he can make me happy. He knows I am evaluating things, and so is he. Lately we have both been more aware of each others' shortcomings, I think. Maybe not afraid to point those shortcomings out to each other. We still love each other. We are still in love. But my feelings are turning to more questions and I am losing clarity.

 

 

I'm not sure if this is the right guy for me. I've been wondering that all along. I see so many good things about this relationship, but I just don't know how to know for 100% sure.

One of my best guy friends told me that he knows that if I was really sure and really into this guy, then I would have little hesitation moving there to be with him. He's absolutely right. I'm not sure, and I need to be.

I don't know what that's going to take. Is it this next visit that will give me the clarity I need? Is it another thoughtless comment or foolish behavior of his that will make me see? I really do want to give this the benefit of the doubt because I do love him and he's a good man. I never thought this would last past my first date with him when we met last October. I was doubtful he was sincere or would follow through, I doubted how we could possibly maintain a long distance relationship. But, it happened. Our feelings grew and we became closer and realized that we have a special connection and we have put in the time and investment mutually. I've doubted this all along, not because I didn't think he was right for me, but have I doubted his intentions and even doubted myself, whether I had what it took to do this and to be in a real relationship again. But despite my doubts, things just unfolded this way. So what good does doubt do if it's something you can't really trust anyway? How do you really know for sure, is what I'm saying. Sometimes you just need to give it a fair chance, which is exactly what I have been doing. It meant putting my trust into him, and mainly doing my best to trust in myself, most of all.

 

 

I know myself, and it takes me just one 'light bulb' moment to decide something difficult. I know this is going to be a really difficult decision, to move there and give this a real, fair shot.... or to back out now, never really knowing what it could have been, basing my decision on doubts rather than certainty. If I moved there, I would go with certainty that I was committing myself to this. If I ended it, I would leave with doubts about what it could have been like if only we dated in the same city.

 

 

I think the best way to answer your question Lana, is that I know I will know when it is the right time. I'm comfortable with that for right now.

Edited August 21, 2016 by venusishername

[Leigh 87]

Venus,

 

I am going through the incompatability thing too.

 

God, I am really feeling for you right now.

 

I too, have the once or maybe twice in a lifetime connection that you have - I think we can both agree that around a lot, it IS exceptionally rare to have off the wall chemistry with a guy that enjoys what you do, makes you laugh, adores you and where you are just BOTH super into each other! Best friends and the mild blowing sex.

 

That in an of itself IS rare - but I found out my love was an addict. So I left. I am not compatible with someone who goes on a week long drug binge and looses his stable job. I need and deserve a responsible man who can spoil me and provide, as I am working my butt of to become a podiatrist and hatng life right now but you should just rise up and be damn responsible, not loose jobs or fail out of collage when the going gets tough (which it is every bloody day I cannot WAIT for my next overseas trip - to AMERICA, again!)

 

So I am leaving behind a very rare connection, and I am OKAY. I wasn't at first, and you know, maybe I will not ever get the instant fireworks and wanna rip your clothes off chemistry like I desire - with a man who also spoils me and is into me. Heck, I likely won't get all that! And you know what?

 

I just knew I would be happier single, with the possibility that I may win relationship lotto - than I would be with a guy who was NOT fundamentally compatible.

 

Good luck with whatever decision you make, I know it won't be easy. And chances are, I will find it hard to resist my recent ex if he changes/gets clean, comes after me and offers me what he knows I want.

 

Maybe you will regret your decision. Maybe you will be really sad at first but eventually realise it is for the best. '

 

Just take one day at a time, remember half the heartbreak is loosing out on what you were SO SURE was going to be your "fairytale". THAT was one of the hardest things for me, personally; I THOUGHT with every fibre of my being that he was the One. We were best friends honestly, we had serious natural chemistry and connection...

 

I am still dealing with the aftermath of the " dream" I had, coming to a close. Heck, I still do not feel single.

 

In the end, maybe you do need to break up so you can go and live your lives, and only re connect if you BOTH realise you cannot find as much happiness with anyone else.

 

It often takes.... loosing someone, being sinngle for a while and even trying things with someone else... to then gain the perspective you need to think " okay, they WERE the One, I just KNOW I will not find this connection and joy again, I have tried it, a, happy single and yet still crave him for HIM, and not for the fact that I NEED my happy ending. If that makes sense.

 

Please know Venus, if you decide to end things you will be okay. Better to be single and free of all this doubt eating away at you. You need to be free from it, I know I did despite my ex always managing to hold a job, be a great bf..

 

Sometimes we get NEAR perfect! I know it seems that way for me at least - my bf was my best friend, time togeher was seamless, we felt made for each other and it was amazing. We shared SO MANY similar values. On kids, lifestyles, EVERYTHING.

 

You would think such great compatability would be enough.

 

It wasn't. It took one incident for me to loose trust and faith. Although drugs are FAR more extreme.... than anything I hope you EVER have to go through (seeing a loved one suffer from an addiction is heart wrenching)...

 

Maybe you are one or two events away from the last straw (of this guy and his annoyances).

 

 

 

 

Good luck okay. Just letting you know that, less than a month before our 1 year anniversary, I left him and as heartbroken as I am, I am okay due to family and support. As I am sure you would be.

[lana-banana]

I think in many ways he could be the right guy for me....because he loves me, is caring, devoted, kind, patient, sweet, and makes me want to be the best I can be, and he values and respects me and wants what is in my best interest.

 

I think you need better reasons than that. My last boyfriend was all of those things and more and he wasn't the right guy for me at all.

 

He did something recently that made me really upset, something he said that was inappropriate, just making a general statement, acting foolish, as he does sometimes. I got upset about it and said that was disrespectful to say and he got defensive and said it was just a joke. But I didn't think it was funny. Sometimes I wonder if he really puts thought into things, or can just be kind of dense.

 

What was it?

[venusishername]

I think you need better reasons than that. My last boyfriend was all of those things and more and he wasn't the right guy for me at all.

Well, what was missing then? If you had all that and more, may I ask what made you think that he wasn't the right guy for you? What else is there besides what is known? You can't guess if someone isn't the right person for you, right? What is it that made you decide that about your ex?

 

What was it?

I don't want to repeat it. Let's just say it was an immature and socially inappropriate remark made not towards me but as a general statement. It embarrassed me that he would say something like that, and I told him if I were there with him I would have walked out. He profusely apologized. Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't think before he speaks and he has occasionally said things that are inappropriate in a social setting. He doesn't mean any harm or disrespect and I know that. He just lacks a filter sometimes, that's all. I called him out on it though.

 

Just wanted to comment about Leigh's post, thanks Leigh and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Addiction is a terrible thing, I am currently experiencing a family member who has a really bad problem with addiction and we are attempting to intervene. I feel for you and I'm very sorry.

 

What exactly do I need to know before deciding if he is the right guy for me? Is there an 'aha' moment or is it just a matter of deciding if the seemingly incompatible things weigh out the compatibilities? If I was clear on that it would be easy to make a move to close the distance. I'm the one hesitating, and he has an offer on the table for me. He seems to be much more sure than I am, I feel.

And- I've been with guys (including two long term boyfriends) that I 'thought' were the right guy for me at the time, until the relationship ended. What I mean to say is, I can't think of one example with a man that I've dated for more than a couple months that I felt "he's not the right guy for me". Well, I take that back. Maybe one. Mainly because we didn't have the physical chemistry. He did everything else right, though.

I can't really put a finger on what isn't "right" with my current guy. I can't say for certain "He's not the right guy for me".

 

 

He says and does things (generally speaking) that make me question our compatibility here and there. I do not in any way mean to come across as snobby, but I am educated and work in a professional setting and he has no college degree other than trade school and is a blue collar worker. There is absolutely no judgment about that, and I don't think I'm better than anyone else. He's not formally educated like me, growing up in private schools, getting a very expensive college education, but he is intelligent and bright and has no problem carrying on a conversation about politics or discussing current events, etc. He's not book smart. And I work in a field where you need book smarts and are expected to have a high code of professionalism. I have dated lawyers and a doctor, and military officers, etc. He doesn't have the education. Is this an incompatibility? I'm not sure, but I see that this is a big difference in our backgrounds. I loved Lana's comment about "two starry eyed yuppies"- I live in the yuppie culture and in many ways I can be categorized into that stereotype by my lifestyle, but he isn't one, never was and never will be. We have very different backgrounds. This was the very first thing I noticed after our first visit together after we met in NO. I thought- How will he fit into my life? And vice versa? Would I fit in to Louisiana, a spoiled California girl? I'm not so down to earth as he is. They would call me a bitch or think I was snobby and materialistic. Maybe people here would think he was kind of backward, loud, and overly friendly. (People in CA aren't known to be friendly- people in Louisiana are probably the nicest people I've ever met). I'm not sure if that's a major incompatibility. Like a Lady and the Tramp kind of thing.

I wouldn't want me (or my future child) to be poor or struggling. I would want to afford to send my kid to preschool, send them to summer camp, go on vacations, pay for their private school tuition, go to Gymboree. I would want to put money aside together with my husband so we could buy a home together. Note I never said anything about expecting him to pay for all of this either. It would be a JOINT effort, nothing less than a joint effort.

So- THIS is all unknown. I don't actually HAVE any of these things with him, so how could I possibly speculate as to whether or not we could be compatible in this way? He already does these kinds of things for his own kids. He takes them on vacations, he takes them to the movies, he buys them new clothes, he takes them out to eat constantly, he used to travel a lot with his ex wife, he contributes to their public university tuition when possible, he does all the 'dad' stuff with them now, that I see.

 

 

Although his son did tell me that his dad wasn't really around much when he was growing up, not really for the first half of his life. When I asked him why, he said he was always working, moving around for work, and job hopping around, working out of town, not really reliably there.

Just a reminder, my bf was not married at that time he had his kids. He married in his thirties and did not have his children with that woman. So my bf never did the everyday dad stuff when his kids were very young, but I do know he was around. Just not there every day. Obviously, he wasn't married then, so understandably he wasn't really "around" like a husband would be.

 

So, this doesn't reflect well on him, but being that he was very young, I can understand he wasn't ready to be a father and I also can't really hold it against him because he wasn't married either. If he had been, he would have been around. Most men at 21 aren't, even my own dad wasn't at that age, when my brother was born. It does bother me that he has two kids out of wedlock. As old fashioned as it may be, I come from a family where you marry the woman you get pregnant and you suck it up and take responsibility. I guess he didn't want to get married then. My family would strongly disapprove if that happened to me.

I just don't want to end up another woman he gets pregnant and doesn't marry, and isn't around much for our child and I have to be a single mother and deal with child support. (I know I'm being dramatic- these are worst case scenario thoughts), but this is what happened to him already, although it was 20 years ago. Is this how we are not compatible? Something he did when he was younger to a woman he didn't marry?

 

 

He never did the 'dad' thing, where he was a day to day dad, sitting down with the kids doing homework, coming home from work every day at 5:00 and all that stuff I think of as 'fatherly' and 'reliable'. Things my stepfather did. I realize not every man is a solid father figure like my grandpa and my stepfather and uncle, or my friend, or my old boss. Some parents aren't the best role models, but they do their best. He wasn't the best role model for his kids, but I know for sure he did and does his best. His main goal is to be a better father, he tells me that all the time. I wonder if we had a child, would he be a better role model than he was before? Would he be a stand up and stay around dad this time? Would he be there every day for dinner and plan for family outings, and be reliable? These are the unknowns. I don't have the answer to these things. I can base my opinion off his previous behavior when he was in his twenties, but can I base it off what he would do now if he had another chance to be better? To actually marry the mother of his child this time? To want to?

 

 

I don't want to be chasing something that I think "should be", so I can have my "starry eyed yuppie" wedding, a white picket fence and 2.5 kids I take to mommy and me classes in my SUV. I probably am not going to have those visions I created for myself to compare to other women I know. I'm not sure I even fit into that box anymore. The more I see housewives in my life with two or more kids, I don't envy their life at all. No offense to anyone who is a housewife here. I just don't see that as who I am. I'm 32 and 2.5 kids at my age doesn't sound so appealing anymore either.

I also don't want to marry (or continue dating for that matter), and have a child with someone who I can't trust will stick around, step up and be able to provide either. I'm not saying he won't do that, I think he would, but I think it might be a struggle for him, probably financially. At least, what I have seen so far, and how often he complains about wishing he had more money. That, although he may be exaggerating and being a little dramatic, is my number one cause for concern as to whether we are compatible. It's not the amount of money he makes, or how much he has in his pension. It's not about the actual numbers. It's his using not having enough money as either an excuse or complaint.

It's ok to not have a lot of disposable income, no judgment there. We all have bills and responsibilities. But you never hear ME complaining about money, it's not because I have a lot, it's because I manage it and I'm pretty responsible about it too. I've put myself in the red before, I just get out. I told him that recently, how it was bothering me that he complained about money, but I wasn't seeing him taking strides or wasn't aware of how he was actually IMPROVING AND CHANGING that situation. I called him out again. I told him that I also have the same responsibilities as he does (he has more, but my point was we both are responsible for where we live, our bills, car, etc.), and why is it that I never complain about not having enough money but he does? I told him that I have been recently starting to save portions of my paycheck that are automatically sent into a savings account that I don't touch unless for emergency, this is money I'm using also to put towards a down payment on a car or property some day in the future. I made a decision to do that, and I don't see that he does, unless he isn't telling me that he is, so I got pretty upset and finally called him out that if he's going to be complaining about money, and not doing anything to better that situation, then I don't want to hear it anymore and that excuse isn't going to fly with me. My guess is that most women probably never told him that before.

 

 

 

 

If he's complaining about not having enough money sometimes, and he spends freely and carelessly, and it is difficult for him to save money... how can I count on him to be there, present, a good partner in a marriage and as a father? God forbid I have his child and we aren't married or if we split up, am I going to have to be chasing him down for child support? I don't ever want to be in that position, but sure as hell I would fight him tooth and nail for it if that ever happened. (what a terrible thought ).

 

 

I realize I can't speculate as to how he or we would be in the future. I realize that it does take cooperation and teamwork to be a successful couple. Let's just put it this way. He doesn't have a very good track record when it comes to some things. He's older than me and we all screw up in our lives. I don't judge him, and I know he does his best. I'm not sure sometimes If I am right for him, because I am critical, and I'm hoping he will change his past behaviors. I can't accept him ALL the way he is, I would hope that he wouldn't repeat some negative behaviors that he has exhibited in the past. I mean, maybe I am hoping he will become something that he just can't be, doesn't want to be, doesn't have what it takes to be, etc. Does this make us a bad fit? Because I want him to be better? Sometimes I think he might not fit the bill, then I get down on myself for being so snobby and critical. I can't win that battle.

 

 

Pffft, how do I know the answers? I can only guess. I can't see into the future, I can only hope for the best.

Edited August 22, 2016 by venusishername

[lil_missy]

It's true that you can't see into the future and be sure what will be in store for you, but you need to have faith in your future with this guy, that it will be the kind of future you're looking for.

 

Do you have that faith?

 

I wouldn't marry a man that I didn't believe strongly that together we can achieve the sort of future I'd always imagined. I need to have every faith right now that we have a bright future together. Like you, I'm also looking for a comfortable not luxurious lifestyle of owning our own house, having kids and being able to depend on my husband financially if need be.

 

Your guys situation sounds 50/50 at best in terms of his financial ability. Are you willing to take a gamble on that?

 

Basically all the positive things u described about him comes down to the fact that he loves you to death. I have no doubt he does but is love enough? Does he the ability to keep you happy in the long run?

 

add to this, you just seem to feel so much doubt and uncertainty about this guy. And I think that speaks volumes. If you are in the right relationship it should feel right most of the time, like I'm pretty sure my fiancé is who I wanna build a future with and I don't really have doubts about that. I mean occasionally doubts can creep up but never frequently.

 

Also in terms of having kids, if you really want one you could always have one with him, but be willing to become a single mother if it's what it comes down to. Single mothers have so much support these days and you come from a good family background, why do you must have a man?

Edited August 22, 2016 by lil_missy

[lana-banana]

Well, what was missing then? If you had all that and more, may I ask what made you think that he wasn't the right guy for you? What else is there besides what is known? You can't guess if someone isn't the right person for you, right? What is it that made you decide that about your ex?

 

Because he didn't fill me with joy. He didn't make me giddy inside. He made me laugh hard exactly once in the entire time we dated. The thought of marrying him seemed fine. It would have been an extravagant affair for sure, and he would have been an excellent husband and father. But the thought of being his forever wouldn't make me tear up at the altar. It'd just be fine.

 

Above all I lacked the faith that lil_missy described so succinctly, the faith that makes you want to stick with someone through thick and thin. This faith isn't a certainty; I had the same feeling about Worst Ex and that was an absolute disaster. Nothing is ever guaranteed. But if you're going to marry, it should be someone who gives you that feeling, with a strong confidence in a happy future together. A guy who loves you deeply isn't enough if you don't feel the same way, and especially if you're hesitant about what your life together would entail.

 

I don't want to repeat it. Let's just say it was an immature and socially inappropriate remark made not towards me but as a general statement. It embarrassed me that he would say something like that, and I told him if I were there with him I would have walked out. He profusely apologized. Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't think before he speaks and he has occasionally said things that are inappropriate in a social setting. He doesn't mean any harm or disrespect and I know that. He just lacks a filter sometimes, that's all. I called him out on it though.

 

Now I'm really curious. A tasteless joke is one thing, but I can't imagine something so bad that you would have walked out. Was he apologizing because you were upset or because he genuinely regretted his words? Either way I can't see how this would matter too much unless it was indicative of bigotry. I do think it's weird that a 42-year-old man is saying things that would cause you to walk out in public, though.

 

Pffft, how do I know the answers? I can only guess. I can't see into the future, I can only hope for the best.

 

You can do a lot more than hope. You can make decisions that are good for you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sometimes I wonder why I hesitate so much. Am I spinning in circles about the unknown, and holding myself in this prison of uncertainty when I have the power to change it? He's offering a very reasonable solution. I twist his good intention to something I mistrust. Will I ever REALLY know if we are compatible until I go all in to this? No. You never really know. My best girlfriend is considering ending her 10 year relationship to a man she recently finally married. They've lived together for years now. Years! They know each other better than most. They're married. It doesn't mean you're compatible, or it doesn't mean people grow apart either. My cousin just split up with her long term boyfriend... they lived together, I sure as hell thought they were compatible... I guess you never know until you live it, right? Even if you know someone and date them or are married to them every single day, you don't know until the rubber meets the road, so to speak. I think it takes time.

 

On that note, I think what I was saying earlier is that I DON'T know if we are compatible day to day as far as the long term. I think we have the same family values and have similar lifestyle compatibilities as far as we are both health conscious and are conscientious with our home environment, we enjoy many of the same activities and can share in great conversations, we both love to travel, we both love dancing, we love children and animals, all that stuff you discover when you are just 'dating'.

 

Because you have chosen to make your relationship public and you are living your every move out here in the open for people to scrutinize and it keeps you in that very place you are expressing you don't know how to get out of.

 

Everything, EVERYTHING you have written about this man lately falls under core compatibility strengths that a person can look for to form a solid relationship. With the exception of the uncomfortable comments he made to you in public (which can totally be dealt with and discussed so that he knows how that makes you feel uncomfortable and to be avoided going forward) everything you have said here so far in terms of what this man offers you is all that you can wish for from man, a mate and a partner.

 

If the attraction is there, you ARE looking at your compatibility dead smack in the face.

 

There is nothing more after that Venus.

 

The only thing left is to see how you relate day to day face to face, that is the only unknown right now.

 

 

You are chasing unicorns by dissecting and scrutinizing every aspect of your relationship, and this man, and you are sabotaging something good because you have to make a decision you don't want to make. You need to decide if you want to take the leap or not and it seems you decided you are not ready to do that at this point. And neither is he right now and it is making you look for faults to ease the reality that he too is not quite ready to gamble it all for the move.

 

You are both in the same position right now.

 

But please, please, stop sabotaging and looking for faults in this man where there are far less than others are telling your there are.

 

The compatibility is there.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[LookAtThisPOst]

.........................................

[BluEyeL]

I don't know if you two are really compatible or not, it's hard to say, but I do agree that it looks like you are dissecting and overanalyzing everything about him. I know the distance makes things harder and insecurity about everything creeps in easier.

 

But indeed no man and no relationship would be really perfect. It's more about what flaws could you live with and what are the 3-5 basic traits in a man that are most important to you that you have to look for. You really really cannot have everything and can't find someone who would always act exactly the way you would in different situations.

 

I am very happily engaged and I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love my fiancee (and I'm 44 yo). But if I chose the part of me that is insecure, or negative, I could present him and the relationship here in a negative way easily, because as much as I think I hit the jackpot of dating and relationships, of course he's not always reacting the way I want or always behaving the way I'd want him to. The traits I think are critical for a happy life long partnership though are present and thus I choose to always look for the positive and not for the negative. I always choose positive thoughts. I think it's necessary to do that for any marriage to survive the ups and downs.

 

So my advice would be to maybe write down 3-5 traits (no more than that) that you think make for a successful marriage and if he has them, let go of the other things (what he said in public, and going through security with bags of liquids etc). If he doesn't have them, better to move on.