When it rains it pours

[GemmaUK]

The problem here that I see with you feeling the need for him to 'act' in some way is that there's not much he can do to act right at this point.

 

He could step up with a ring but realistically and even if you accepted at this point I still don't think that would be enough of an action. Plus it's not a practical helpful thing.

 

Looking for work when there's distance involved is pretty simple, looking for a place to live isn't so simple.

Why don't you give him the task of finding you a place to rent?

 

Something else which would actually be very helpful and valid. You say he can't cook to save his life so ask him to get enrolled on a cookery course.

If you end up with a job where you're 9-5 and stable and he is gonna be home sometimes as his work isn't so 'daily' always then he ought to be chipping in with cooking IMO.

If like you say at some point you'd want to have a baby with him then surely you'd want to know that he'd step up and help.

Asking him to do a cookery course would also give you his instant reaction to it and his secondary reaction (providing you're face to face or can see each other on skype) which would give you more of an idea of what he is willing to do and whether he might be after that free ride.

 

Plus if when you visit each other you can then cook together it's one other thing to check out your compatibility and team work levels.

[lana-banana]

Looking for work when there's distance involved is pretty simple, looking for a place to live isn't so simple.

Why don't you give him the task of finding you a place to rent?

 

This is a genuinely brilliant idea. Go for it, Venus!

[GemmaUK]

This is a genuinely brilliant idea. Go for it, Venus!

 

Thanks Lana!

 

If Venus extends her lease for another year then he could start looking casually-ish now, take photos, videos of places, describe the area as he will have a pretty good knowledge of it - Plus, it's a joint project this way and also if he isn't interested in doing this or isn't terribly pro-active about it then she'll have a much better idea if he really would rather she move right in with him.

 

The cooking - well - he might not like this idea initially but actually I think it's pretty crucial to a life together unless she really wants to be the one doing most of the daily stuff when they live together.

Shared chores equals a happier relationship as you're a team. Cooking is by no means a 'feminine' thing to do either. Look at all those who are top chefs!

 

He could get started on learning to cook and then later in the upcoming year focus more on looking for a place for her to rent.

 

If it were me, these two things would make me feel like he is actively participating. Plus the cooking thing will save a whole load of money compared to eating out all the time.

[lana-banana]

Thanks Lana!

 

If Venus extends her lease for another year then he could start looking casually-ish now, take photos, videos of places, describe the area as he will have a pretty good knowledge of it - Plus, it's a joint project this way and also if he isn't interested in doing this or isn't terribly pro-active about it then she'll have a much better idea if he really would rather she move right in with him.

 

The cooking - well - he might not like this idea initially but actually I think it's pretty crucial to a life together unless she really wants to be the one doing most of the daily stuff when they live together.

Shared chores equals a happier relationship as you're a team. Cooking is by no means a 'feminine' thing to do either. Look at all those who are top chefs!

 

He could get started on learning to cook and then later in the upcoming year focus more on looking for a place for her to rent.

 

If it were me, these two things would make me feel like he is actively participating. Plus the cooking thing will save a whole load of money compared to eating out all the time.

 

There's so much truth to this post, especially the parts about cooking. My boyfr---sorry, fiance---and I are very active in the kitchen. His last girlfriend was a serious cook too, but they were constantly clashing and couldn't stand to cook together. Meanwhile our relationship actually began with a series of baking contests! We were both nervous when we attempted our first collaborative meal. He's a mad scientist, always trying out crazy or literally explosive combinations. I'm methodical, practical, and traditional. It seems like we'd be a disaster. But we're great at teamwork and staying out of each other's way when necessary. When we hosted a cooking contests for our friends we managed to help each other out while simultaneously competing (and trash-talking). If you can be consistently patient and understanding and helpful in the kitchen, that usually carries over to the rest of your relationship.

[No_Go]

These are some awesome ideas - both helping you with the housing search and learning to cook! They'll show real commitment or there of lack of it. Especially the cooking will make a huge impact especially if you have a kid together. There'll be times where he needs to step up with domestic chores while you focus on your career or the kid.

 

Btw I know a woman that succeeded getting a ring as a promise before living together. Well, they're engaged now - for 3 years and counting Guys in general use 'saving for a ring' or 'getting ready for a wedding' ( if they have given a ring) as cute excuses to get the things done on their own timescale so forced ring it is not really a sign of any commitment imho. IMO - if I have to ask for a ring, even subtly, even once - this means I'm forcing it and therefore the 'commitment' element is gone. It becomes a luxurious present at best.

 

Regarding his flashy personality - I think that's just fine. As an introvert myself I actually enjoyed having BFs like this - they counterbalanced my reserved behavior. If it doesn't interfere with his day-to-day functioning - don't worry about it. Ime extrovert-introvert couples work better than 2 extroverts.

[GemmaUK]

Love your story there Lana!

 

My LT ex was an amazing cook - he taught me a lot about flavours, spices etc. whereas my home life had been pretty standard basic tasting food.

My man could just chuck things together and they almost (!) always worked.

I was his kitchen helper and we had a ball cooking together!

I was diagnosed Coeliac just a few weeks before my Dad passed away after a very long illness and my man was superb - he changed up some of the usual recipes we used - got the spices and made our favourites without the gluten.

Once I was recovered after losing my Dad and also mourning the loss of eating bread he taught me how he had done it.

Still to this day - some 10 or so years later some of my fave recipes are the sauce packet we used to use before I was diagnosed combined with a bit of guess and try my now fully established spice rack.

Other things broke that RS down and it was a tough one to leave for many reasons. Toughest yet.

 

If you can cook together, most other things you can also do together and get through - it really is just team work.

[GemmaUK]

Thanks NG.

 

Regarding his flashy personality - I think that's just fine. As an introvert myself I actually enjoyed having BFs like this - they counterbalanced my reserved behavior. If it doesn't interfere with his day-to-day functioning - don't worry about it. Ime extrovert-introvert couples work better than 2 extroverts.

 

Yeah, that for me would be 'embarrassing Dad type stuff' and just funny - and that is how he expects it to be taken most likely.

It's pretty much the remit for a good Dad and a good RS to have a man that just makes you cringe badly sometimes!

[sagamore]

Venus, if your bf "steps up" and proposes, where is that ring coming from? Credit card debt or exhausting whatever meager savings he has, probably.

 

What about kids? You have "always" (since I have known you, from posting here) really wanted to have children. Where is the money for childcare coming from? Is he even on board with having one? Or will you be forced to wait and see?

 

Bottom line (said with love and concern): you talk a LOT about your past relationship, where you moved and it was no commitment and you lost time. As it stands now, I feel you are on a mission to correct that one glaring mistake - no ring - at a cost of examining **whether you should actually move for and marry this man**. The issue with that last BF may not have been the ring - it may just have been that your "picker" is broken and you moved for the wrong man.

 

As it stands now, I worry that you are set to move for a genuinely kind and caring man who nonetheless may be incompatible with you on a couple of FUNDAMENTAL issues/values. Finances are huge, but kids are even bigger. And you're 31. You may have the proposal, but otherwise this may turn out to be Bad Move #2. I hope I am wrong.

 

Edited to add my bottom line: I think you need to get REALLY clear on the kids, and as clear as you can on the finances (as it affects kids, retirement planning etc.) BEFORE you even allow the ring. And absolutely he should be looking for a place for you! Great idea. I wish you all the best.

Edited September 18, 2016 by sagamore

[venusishername]

The problem here that I see with you feeling the need for him to 'act' in some way is that there's not much he can do to act right at this point.

 

He could step up with a ring but realistically and even if you accepted at this point I still don't think that would be enough of an action. Plus it's not a practical helpful thing.

 

Looking for work when there's distance involved is pretty simple, looking for a place to live isn't so simple.

Why don't you give him the task of finding you a place to rent?

 

Something else which would actually be very helpful and valid. You say he can't cook to save his life so ask him to get enrolled on a cookery course.

If you end up with a job where you're 9-5 and stable and he is gonna be home sometimes as his work isn't so 'daily' always then he ought to be chipping in with cooking IMO.

If like you say at some point you'd want to have a baby with him then surely you'd want to know that he'd step up and help.

Asking him to do a cookery course would also give you his instant reaction to it and his secondary reaction (providing you're face to face or can see each other on skype) which would give you more of an idea of what he is willing to do and whether he might be after that free ride.

 

Plus if when you visit each other you can then cook together it's one other thing to check out your compatibility and team work levels.

The looking for place for me out there is a good idea. He definitely knows the area and can check it out for me on the weekends or when he's off.

 

 

As far as the cooking class, funny you should mention but I have taken a cooking class recently and am going to one tomorrow with a friend. I told him about it and he volunteered the idea that he would love to do something like that together. I don't think he'd go on his own, but I think it's something we could do as a couple, for sure.

And honestly, I'm not too worried about splitting chores like that. I enjoy cooking and being responsible for the groceries, etc. (most of the time), and he's really great about gardening, yard work, fixing things, carpentry, electrical, repair, building things, and definitely is kind of a clean freak like me. I wouldn't be too worried about how we should split the chores. But the cooking class as a couple would be fun. He does a pretty good job making breakfast so I might leave that task to him. I like the idea of him helping me look at places there though. I may mention that this week.

 

If Venus extends her lease for another year then he could start looking casually-ish now, take photos, videos of places, describe the area as he will have a pretty good knowledge of it - Plus, it's a joint project this way and also if he isn't interested in doing this or isn't terribly pro-active about it then she'll have a much better idea if he really would rather she move right in with him.

 

The cooking - well - he might not like this idea initially but actually I think it's pretty crucial to a life together unless she really wants to be the one doing most of the daily stuff when they live together.

Shared chores equals a happier relationship as you're a team. Cooking is by no means a 'feminine' thing to do either. Look at all those who are top chefs!

 

He could get started on learning to cook and then later in the upcoming year focus more on looking for a place for her to rent.

 

If it were me, these two things would make me feel like he is actively participating. Plus the cooking thing will save a whole load of money compared to eating out all the time.

I think he really just does want me to move right in with him. He realizes he can't get me to cave in so he'd go along with looking at places on my own because at this point he just wants me to be there. He thinks it's foolish for me to spend money on renting my own place when I could live there for far less.

 

Btw I know a woman that succeeded getting a ring as a promise before living together. Well, they're engaged now - for 3 years and counting Guys in general use 'saving for a ring' or 'getting ready for a wedding' ( if they have given a ring) as cute excuses to get the things done on their own timescale so forced ring it is not really a sign of any commitment imho. IMO - if I have to ask for a ring, even subtly, even once - this means I'm forcing it and therefore the 'commitment' element is gone. It becomes a luxurious present at best.

 

Regarding his flashy personality - I think that's just fine. As an introvert myself I actually enjoyed having BFs like this - they counterbalanced my reserved behavior. If it doesn't interfere with his day-to-day functioning - don't worry about it. Ime extrovert-introvert couples work better than 2 extroverts.

Excuse, me, did you say your friend has been engaged for over three years? Um, that's not the place I want to be. I know people who have been 'engaged' for years and the only reason they are (usually) is because they've been living together and the man sees no reason to change anything because you're already acting and living like a married couple. I do not want to be in that position. Which is why I am so firm about not living with him. ESPECIALLY without a proposal for marriage. Too risky. Takes too much time. Three years and counting?? No thank you. Not for me.

It's pretty much the remit for a good Dad and a good RS to have a man that just makes you cringe badly sometimes!

Do you really think?! I never thought of it that way. Usually I just have to roll my eyes at his antics when he does things to grab attention. It's silly.

 

 

Venus, if your bf "steps up" and proposes, where is that ring coming from? Credit card debt or exhausting whatever meager savings he has, probably.

 

What about kids? You have "always" (since I have known you, from posting here) really wanted to have children. Where is the money for childcare coming from? Is he even on board with having one? Or will you be forced to wait and see?

 

Bottom line (said with love and concern): you talk a LOT about your past relationship, where you moved and it was no commitment and you lost time. As it stands now, I feel you are on a mission to correct that one glaring mistake - no ring - at a cost of examining **whether you should actually move for and marry this man**. The issue with that last BF may not have been the ring - it may just have been that your "picker" is broken and you moved for the wrong man.

 

As it stands now, I worry that you are set to move for a genuinely kind and caring man who nonetheless may be incompatible with you on a couple of FUNDAMENTAL issues/values. Finances are huge, but kids are even bigger. And you're 31. You may have the proposal, but otherwise this may turn out to be Bad Move #2. I hope I am wrong.

 

Edited to add my bottom line: I think you need to get REALLY clear on the kids, and as clear as you can on the finances (as it affects kids, retirement planning etc.) BEFORE you even allow the ring. And absolutely he should be looking for a place for you! Great idea. I wish you all the best.

Well, how do most people buy rings? They save some money, put some down, and finance, or discuss with family members for heirlooms or contributions, or buy something in cash, I mean... why does that matter? I assume most people would save some, put some down, and finance if not buy something less expensive in cash? I don't really see this as a big deal, to be honest. I've only ever seen him use debit card or cash. I don't know if he has credit card debt, he said he doesn't have great credit, but I don't know his credit score or if it's even from credit card debt. I guess that's something I can dig into. I don't believe he uses a credit card.

 

And I'm going to be 33 (****) in the beginning of the year. At this point, I want to get married and would be happy with one child. I don't want to have a child if I'm not married. So a child is only important to me if I was married. I hope that clarifies things. And he is open to having kids, I feel like this has been brought up here many times. Neither one of us are like, "yeah, let's start trying to make babies", but we are both desiring of a marriage and then having a child usually naturally follows from that. Neither one of us wants to have a child unless we are married first. So I mean, yes, as far as I know Sagamore... he is open to and would be happy to have another child, but would rather we be married first. And so would I. It is far more important to me at this point to be married than to have children. I wouldn't want children without marriage.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I need some concrete action ofo commitment from someone before I move across the country. Maybe a ring wouldn't be a 'real' action of commitment, but it's a pretty dang big gesture. I'm not saying it would solve it all.

 

 

And Sagamore- your point about retirement, savings plans, is totally valid and that is something that I am going to discuss with him before I consider moving with the intention of eventually marrying him. I think this is where we MAY differ, however I don't know. He works for the union so he gets pensions, and insurance, and he makes pretty decent money when he is busy with work, like he is now, etc.

As far as child care, I mean, same as a ring, how do people usually handle the cost? I mean, dual income, maybe I could work part time, maybe a family member could help out with care, maybe a local church or YMCA could assist.... I dunno, how do people usually tackle this stuff? You just make it work, right? What is the worst that could happen?? We couldn't afford childcare? Not if both of us worked. Maybe I could stay home for a bit, maybe his daughter could help, or my mom, etc.

 

 

Those things seem easily achievable and I don't worry about that too much. I mean, a little. But I think we could make it work.

[lana-banana]

I like the idea of him helping me look at places there though. I may mention that this week.

 

You absolutely should mention it and report back to us! Let us know!

 

Do you really think?! I never thought of it that way. Usually I just have to roll my eyes at his antics when he does things to grab attention. It's silly.

 

One of the best pieces of dating advice came from a friend of mine who told me "sometimes you just look over at the other person and think 'yeah, I'm dating that.' " My boyfriend ($@#!, fiance) is very extroverted and always clowning around. He's never embarrassed me, he's more charming than anything, but he's a ridiculous human being.

 

Well, how do most people buy rings? They save some money, put some down, and finance, or discuss with family members for heirlooms or contributions, or buy something in cash, I mean... why does that matter? I assume most people would save some, put some down, and finance if not buy something less expensive in cash? I don't really see this as a big deal, to be honest.

 

In my ultra-long, likely never to be realized post I noted you have a tendency to simplify things. Venus, unless you're using a family heirloom or buying a diamond substitute like moissanite or CZ:o, an engagement ring is a major purchase. It takes an awful lot of saving even if you aren't planning to put down two months' salary. It can also be a very emotional purchase, one where people happily spend far more than they have to. My fiance got it into his mind that he had to buy platinum and he needed to buy at least a one carat diamond. That's an absurd amount of scratch. Even with a very well-paying job he spent months doing extra 1099 gigs to afford it. I didn't ask him to, but he was convinced it was important. You've mentioned your boyfriend is prone to spending frivolously. Is he going to spend far more money than he has on this?

 

To repeat: it's a major purchase. It's a serious decision that can have serious consequences. It's a big deal even for couples that are in great financial shape. With your boyfriend's financial situation it's going to be much harder. You mentioned financing, but you don't qualify for financing unless you have a healthy credit score. The few financing options available for individuals with poor credit usually come with massive interest and tricky repayment plans. Do you really want him to plunk down a big chunk of change and put you both at risk if he can't pay it off?

 

I've only ever seen him use debit card or cash. I don't know if he has credit card debt, he said he doesn't have great credit, but I don't know his credit score or if it's even from credit card debt. I guess that's something I can dig into. I don't believe he uses a credit card.

 

This is so counterintuitive. I know that this guy can't really be trusted with a credit card, but if you got a basic mileage reward card at the beginning of this relationship you would probably have earned a free trip or two over there by now. At this point these decisions are hurting you.

 

And I'm going to be 33 (****) in the beginning of the year. At this point, I want to get married and would be happy with one child. I don't want to have a child if I'm not married. So a child is only important to me if I was married. I hope that clarifies things. And he is open to having kids, I feel like this has been brought up here many times. Neither one of us are like, "yeah, let's start trying to make babies", but we are both desiring of a marriage and then having a child usually naturally follows from that.

 

I think there are many posters in the marriage forum who would disagree with that last part. There's a big difference between being "open" and "genuinely interested in". I don't think he's deceiving you, I just think there's a difference.

 

Neither one of us wants to have a child unless we are married first...I wouldn't want children without marriage.

 

What? You have repeatedly said you're not using birth control since you're totally comfortable with having a child now because que sera, sera and all, and you're ready to have kids now. When did this change and why? (I can guess, but...)

 

As far as child care, I mean, same as a ring, how do people usually handle the cost? I mean, dual income, maybe I could work part time, maybe a family member could help out with care, maybe a local church or YMCA could assist.... I dunno, how do people usually tackle this stuff? You just make it work, right? What is the worst that could happen?? We couldn't afford childcare? Not if both of us worked. Maybe I could stay home for a bit, maybe his daughter could help, or my mom, etc.

 

Venus, you are easily one of my favorite posters on this forum and always will be, but this kind of thing scares the crap out of me. "What's the worst that could happen?" This is a child, not a birthday present. The worst that could happen includes but is by no means limited to bankruptcy, divorce, having to sell your possessions, losing your home, and so on. I've seen people empty their savings accounts to pay for their children's medical treatments. A less extreme example is parents taking on extra jobs to afford quality childcare or schools. That last one may be pertinent to you as public schools in New Orleans are notoriously terrible.

 

Those things seem easily achievable and I don't worry about that too much. I mean, a little. But I think we could make it work.

 

I think you could make it work too, but I also think that's something to figure out before you're engaged.

[Leigh 87]

I really don't see why, if you are so madly in love, why can't you just move there, get an affordable rental, and go and have a proper relationship with him AKA not long distance?

 

You work. You can afford to move locations. What is the big deal? If you do not work out, LEAVE. Go back to CA.

 

I guess I am adventurous and love moving and have moved locations at least once every 5 to 10 years tops.....

 

You are a grown woman with a proper job and can afford to move for love; heck, my first love back 15 years ago moved to be with me, when he had a poorly paid job. You just make it happen when you meet the right person. And we were right for each other at the time for sure.

 

I do not see why you cannot just sit back and say okay, we are in love, I want to be with this person and possibly marry him, he is WORTH moving for even if it doesn't;t work out?

 

I would have moved to the other side of the world for my BF. Because as a 30 yo old relatively attractive woman who will have a great job soon, I realised that it is very hard to find true love (versus settling with mediocre chemistry and the like).

 

I think it is worth you moving there but maybe you don;t love him as much as you think you do OR you just won;t know what you have got until it is gone?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: if he earns more money and had a stable job, would you have moved there by now and started a life with him? Take away the financial element for a second. Is he the right guy? Do you laugh together? Are you best friends? I mean he may not win "most responsible BF" of the year LOL, but shush, he has a job, he told you he was willing to. Improve for you, what else do you want, girl?

[introverted1]

I think what people are saying, V, is that you're either compatible with this guy or you're not. You either can make it work, or that's too much of a stretch. You have similar goals or you don't. And all of that should be determined BEFORE you consider being married, getting a ring, etc.

 

What some of us are hearing is that the answers to those questions vary based on his willingness to marry you. As if your compatibility will somehow solidify if he is willing to go into debt to buy you a ring.

 

The decision process should be to first determine compatibility, whether he's the one you want to marry, whether you can have a fulfilling life together, etc. Then take steps to formalize the commitment.

[No_Go]

I don't know the precise reason for this long engagement but to my understanding it was partially she insisted to get engaged before living together and he half-heartedly agreed, and partially he got some crazy good offer to expand his business so he prioritized that on the place of imminent marriage. So now they 1) are engaged 2) do not live together (he's in another state for his business, temporarily), and 3) have no plans to marry (or separate) in any foreseeable future.

 

That's just an example showing you that getting a ring doesn't mean much. Guys that are not ready are not ready - period. They 'save for a ring', 'wait for surprise time', 'save for a wedding' etc - i.e. find excuses (even post-engagement!) to get the things on their timescale.

 

Guys that want to marry will do it anyway, with or without a ring, with or without money. It is more about a desire than anything else.

 

I don't really see a burning desire in your posts to marry him (or vice versa). Rings and other marketing bullcr*p I feel like are just a good way to delay the actual act of marriage commitment and related sacrifices...

 

Excuse, me, did you say your friend has been engaged for over three years? Um, that's not the place I want to be. I know people who have been 'engaged' for years and the only reason they are (usually) is because they've been living together and the man sees no reason to change anything because you're already acting and living like a married couple. I do not want to be in that position. Which is why I am so firm about not living with him. ESPECIALLY without a proposal for marriage. Too risky. Takes too much time. Three years and counting?? No thank you. Not for me.

[venusishername]

Question: if he earns more money and had a stable job, would you have moved there by now and started a life with him? Take away the financial element for a second. Is he the right guy? Do you laugh together? Are you best friends? I mean he may not win "most responsible BF" of the year LOL, but shush, he has a job, he told you he was willing to. Improve for you, what else do you want, girl?

I don't think necessarily that would influence me to move there any sooner. Thanks, Leigh.

 

I think what people are saying, V, is that you're either compatible with this guy or you're not. You either can make it work, or that's too much of a stretch. You have similar goals or you don't. And all of that should be determined BEFORE you consider being married, getting a ring, etc.

 

What some of us are hearing is that the answers to those questions vary based on his willingness to marry you. As if your compatibility will somehow solidify if he is willing to go into debt to buy you a ring.

 

The decision process should be to first determine compatibility, whether he's the one you want to marry, whether you can have a fulfilling life together, etc. Then take steps to formalize the commitment.

I see, and I agree. These are all things I am learning in the last year of dating him. Learning if you are compatible takes time, and we HAVE been doing that!! We aren’t rushing into marriage. We are interested in talking about it and can see that in the future, but we still are getting to know. I still have some questions that I would like to know the answers to before I commit to moving to the same city and progressing our relationship. It has been hard to confront him about some questions I have, but I think I have to bite the bullet now. We may need to ask each other some uncomfortable questions in order to move forward.

 

 

You absolutely should mention it and report back to us! Let us know!

 

In my ultra-long, likely never to be realized post I noted you have a tendency to simplify things. Venus, unless you're using a family heirloom or buying a diamond substitute like moissanite or CZ , an engagement ring is a major purchase. It takes an awful lot of saving even if you aren't planning to put down two months' salary. It can also be a very emotional purchase, one where people happily spend far more than they have to. My fiance got it into his mind that he had to buy platinum and he needed to buy at least a one carat diamond. That's an absurd amount of scratch. Even with a very well-paying job he spent months doing extra 1099 gigs to afford it. I didn't ask him to, but he was convinced it was important. You've mentioned your boyfriend is prone to spending frivolously. Is he going to spend far more money than he has on this?

 

 

This is so counterintuitive. I know that this guy can't really be trusted with a credit card, but if you got a basic mileage reward card at the beginning of this relationship you would probably have earned a free trip or two over there by now. At this point these decisions are hurting you.

 

 

What? You have repeatedly said you're not using birth control since you're totally comfortable with having a child now because que sera, sera and all, and you're ready to have kids now. When did this change and why? (I can guess, but...)

 

 

Venus, you are easily one of my favorite posters on this forum and always will be, but this kind of thing scares the crap out of me. "What's the worst that could happen?" This is a child, not a birthday present. The worst that could happen includes but is by no means limited to bankruptcy, divorce, having to sell your possessions, losing your home, and so on. I've seen people empty their savings accounts to pay for their children's medical treatments. A less extreme example is parents taking on extra jobs to afford quality childcare or schools. That last one may be pertinent to you as public schools in New Orleans are notoriously terrible.

 

I think you could make it work too, but I also think that's something to figure out before you're engaged.

 

Lana, I always enjoy your posts, but sometimes I feel nothing I say will completely satisfy you and you are always bringing up points of contention that I feel I need to argue and justify. I'm not in your financial league and never will be, and the last thing I want to do here is compare or argue the cost of engagement rings. I'm actually familiar with the cost of engagement rings. I thought I mentioned I used to work in fine jewelry, my father specializes in precious metals, and my mom has some heirloom diamonds that she would like to contribute to my engagement ring if I do ever get married. My bf is aware of my family's connections if he should so choose to propose. I truly don't think worrying about how someone can come up with an engagement ring is worth fretting over, or even discussing anymore. This is the least of my concerns, to be honest.

 

As far as having a child, what I mean is that my desire to be married before having children is far greater than my desire to have a child in general. Also, you just can't plan ahead for everything. You just do the very best you can. There are no guarantees, there is no way I can predict if he and I are going to be compatible in every way until death do us part. There's no reason to worry so much about what the circumstances will be as far as arranging child care. We aren't pregnant, we aren't married, and so all these "what ifs" are something we just can't control at this moment. I think it's a great idea to have a plan of attack or a general idea about how these things will work out, but as a planner (like you), I realize I worry a lot about things out of my control, far into the future, etc. It keeps me up at night and I think it’s useless to worry so much. I am confident in my own judgment and abilities, there is not much I don't think I could handle.

 

I mentioned to him last night that I was renewing my lease. He probably isn’t too happy to hear that. I told him that I could always break the lease, the point is that I am not ready to move in two weeks, quit my job, pack up my place, and move to New Orleans on October 1. I said I needed some more time and I reassured him that I am open to looking at work there, and it would be great if he could help in looking at places for me. He said he really would like me to move in with him, but he would be happy to have me close to him so he will be happy to help in any way he can. He has been sending me links to places to look at for work, dropping some names, suggesting places I look to work as far as location and proximity to him, etc. I know he’s not going to give up wanting me to move there. I think that is what will happen, not this coming month but probably soon. I told him I need a little more time and his help to find a place and a job. I know he will do what he can to get me there. I also feel we need to plan the next time we are going to see each other. Probably early November. I left the ball in his court on that one.

[lana-banana]

I see, and I agree. These are all things I am learning in the last year of dating him. Learning if you are compatible takes time, and we HAVE been doing that!! We aren’t rushing into marriage. We are interested in talking about it and can see that in the future, but we still are getting to know. I still have some questions that I would like to know the answers to before I commit to moving to the same city and progressing our relationship. It has been hard to confront him about some questions I have, but I think I have to bite the bullet now. We may need to ask each other some uncomfortable questions in order to move forward.

 

This is a little confusing to me. Sometimes you talk about engagement like it's imminent, possibly even in the next visit; other times you describe it more as an aspiration. It's hard to know what to say when as a reader you aren't really sure of what's going on.

 

Lana, I always enjoy your posts, but sometimes I feel nothing I say will completely satisfy you and you are always bringing up points of contention that I feel I need to argue and justify. I'm not in your financial league and never will be, and the last thing I want to do here is compare or argue the cost of engagement rings. I'm actually familiar with the cost of engagement rings.

 

This isn't about comparing anything, it's just the nature of a major cost. I would have made the exact same points if he were buying a car or a boat. (Also, the comment about "financial leagues" is neither fair nor true. I make slightly less than the average salary in my city, and the exact average for professionals with my years' experience.)

 

I thought I mentioned I used to work in fine jewelry, my father specializes in precious metals, and my mom has some heirloom diamonds that she would like to contribute to my engagement ring if I do ever get married.

 

You haven't. I know you've mentioned your own familiarity with rings but that's all. You're very lucky to have a family that can help you in that way.

 

As far as having a child, what I mean is that my desire to be married before having children is far greater than my desire to have a child in general. Also, you just can't plan ahead for everything. You just do the very best you can. There are no guarantees, there is no way I can predict if he and I are going to be compatible in every way until death do us part. There's no reason to worry so much about what the circumstances will be as far as arranging child care. We aren't pregnant, we aren't married, and so all these "what ifs" are something we just can't control at this moment. I think it's a great idea to have a plan of attack or a general idea about how these things will work out, but as a planner (like you), I realize I worry a lot about things out of my control, far into the future, etc. It keeps me up at night and I think it’s useless to worry so much. I am confident in my own judgment and abilities, there is not much I don't think I could handle.

 

I know all of us dispense advice based on our own experience, but your post made me aware just how much my posts often reflect my own anxieties about worst-case scenarios. I think one of my deepest fears is going broke, and Lord knows putting down nearly all my savings for a house hasn't helped. I don't mean to go overboard on you. Maybe I'm just hearing those anxieties inside you and amplifying them because I'd do the same thing to myself.

 

What gets me is sometimes it sounds like you're ignoring a voice inside that still has a lot of doubt about whether this is right for you and just plowing on ahead. When I have doubts or uncertainties I seek out as much information as possible so I can make the best (seeming) decision. For that reason it frustrates the hell out of me when you or anyone says "I just don't know!" and is okay with it. But that's me. You tend to trust your gut, which is legitimately admirable. I often wind up paralyzed with indecision because I overthink things so much. You articulated yourself so well above, particularly about how there's only so much you can control. That's a mantra I need to utilize. It's also inspiring because the Venus at the beginning of this thread was never this confident. That's part of why I'm convinced this guy has been incredibly good for you, and why I want your relationship to make it.

 

But sometimes it seems like your confidence depends on outside factors, like whether he's going to propose or whether you feel good about your last conversation. And you still tend to swing back and forth about how secure you are in your future together. That vacillation makes it harder to be wholly confident in the same way. I was so happy when I left for vacation because it sounded like you guys were moving forward in a positive direction...but then came a few more pages of angst about how unsure you were, and then another post about how after your last conversation it was all fine. (I'm generalizing, but that was roughly the gist.)

 

You are right that I'm too negative. You inspired me to make an honest effort to be more positive going forward, both for your own sake and mine. We are both too neurotic and could probably play off of each others' worst fears and anxieties like ping-pong balls. But please don't ignore your doubts if you keep having them.

[Kamille]

There's something I don't understand about how you communicate with your boyfriend. I'm surprised to hear that he only found out last night that you were renewing the lease. You had told us here a few weeks ago that you intended to do so. Why is he the last to know? You've been set on this plan for awhile. Why did it take you so long to tell him?

 

Do you think you could be more forthcoming with him about your thought process and issues about the move? I sometimes get the impression that you hide things from him, as if you think that if he knew too much he would manipulate you or the situation.

[venusishername]

There's something I don't understand about how you communicate with your boyfriend. I'm surprised to hear that he only found out last night that you were renewing the lease. You had told us here a few weeks ago that you intended to do so. Why is he the last to know? You've been set on this plan for awhile. Why did it take you so long to tell him?

 

Do you think you could be more forthcoming with him about your thought process and issues about the move? I sometimes get the impression that you hide things from him, as if you think that if he knew too much he would manipulate you or the situation.

I guess I meant that I told him that I made the final decision to renew just the other day because I just secured a new tenant to move in on October 1 (roommate) just three days ago and we did not talk on the phone that night because we were both out of town/busy this weekend. He knew beforehand that I was interviewing people, so he knew I was thinking to renew my lease. He knew all along I wasn’t ready to pack it all up and move on October 1. I told him at least a month ago that I was thinking of just renewing my lease so I can have some more flexibility and time, then I could sublet it out for one month and think about coming there, (a thought), etc. I had told him explicitly that I wasn’t ready to put all my stuff in storage by October 1 and move out. He knew that. I guess it’s hard to give all the details here sometimes. I feel like I write a lot but maybe things get overlooked.

I told him that just because I am renewing my lease, does not mean I can’t get out of it if need be. He understands. I live in a high demand area where people would be beating the door down trying to rent my place, so at the right time, I will plan to locate a new tenant to fill my spot. I’m just not ready to pack it all up and move away and quit my job, put all my stuff in storage, etc.

I honestly think I need to ask him some questions before I make any big changes.

On another note, (and aside from everything else), and p.s. this does not discount my feelings, questions I want to ask him, etc…. he said something about he is getting excited about something he is working on. That’s all I know. But my gut is telling me he is thinking seriously about proposing. A proposal doesn’t mean we are compatible and are going to live happily every after, it just means he (and I) are really serious about taking our relationship to the next level. And that’s great!

[Imajerk17]

There's something I don't understand about how you communicate with your boyfriend. I'm surprised to hear that he only found out last night that you were renewing the lease. You had told us here a few weeks ago that you intended to do so. Why is he the last to know? You've been set on this plan for awhile. Why did it take you so long to tell him?

 

Do you think you could be more forthcoming with him about your thought process and issues about the move? I sometimes get the impression that you hide things from him, as if you think that if he knew too much he would manipulate you or the situation.

 

Good point @Kamille.

 

And I must admit, there are times when I find myself thinking OP that your decision-making is as impulsive and emotional as your boyfriend's is.

 

You are a single professional yet you yourself don't have much money saved up either. I get that you live in a high-rent area. For most zipcodes in SoCal though, there ARE cheaper places to live that are still a liveable drive from work and whatnot and that are still safe. You probably could be living there and putting away the money you'd be saving on rent. You're not living in one of those cheaper places though, you are living in an area you can barely afford.

 

More to the point, I find it concerning how you've said a few times in your posts how you wished you had met a well-off guy who lives local but that didn't happen. That's not an encouraging way to be talking when you are supposedly in love with someone else. And from your threads on here from the not-so-long ago past, the stable steady guy wasn't the type of guy you were attracted to anyway. You mentioned EXPLICITLY in one of your previous threads (from the end of 2014, not that long ago) how you could not be happy with a salesman or lawyer--you needed someone who lived on the edge. Which is great. BUT, you'd do yourself well to realize that it's not about the SoCal men sucking or not stepping up or rejecting you; instead YOU chose the situation you are in right now, and either realize that you love your boyfriend for who he is including his flaws, OR decide that you need to go a different direction.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Imajerk17

[No_Go]

The 'secret project' could be a secret trip to CA for your first anniversary! It is coming any time now, right?

 

Just remember your own words We aren’t rushing into marriage. We are interested in talking about it and can see that in the future, but we still are getting to know.

, and ask the right questions sooner than later.

 

I guess I meant that I told him that I made the final decision to renew just the other day because I just secured a new tenant to move in on October 1 (roommate) just three days ago and we did not talk on the phone that night because we were both out of town/busy this weekend. He knew beforehand that I was interviewing people, so he knew I was thinking to renew my lease. He knew all along I wasn’t ready to pack it all up and move on October 1. I told him at least a month ago that I was thinking of just renewing my lease so I can have some more flexibility and time, then I could sublet it out for one month and think about coming there, (a thought), etc. I had told him explicitly that I wasn’t ready to put all my stuff in storage by October 1 and move out. He knew that. I guess it’s hard to give all the details here sometimes. I feel like I write a lot but maybe things get overlooked.

I told him that just because I am renewing my lease, does not mean I can’t get out of it if need be. He understands. I live in a high demand area where people would be beating the door down trying to rent my place, so at the right time, I will plan to locate a new tenant to fill my spot. I’m just not ready to pack it all up and move away and quit my job, put all my stuff in storage, etc.

I honestly think I need to ask him some questions before I make any big changes.

On another note, (and aside from everything else), and p.s. this does not discount my feelings, questions I want to ask him, etc…. he said something about he is getting excited about something he is working on. That’s all I know. But my gut is telling me he is thinking seriously about proposing. A proposal doesn’t mean we are compatible and are going to live happily every after, it just means he (and I) are really serious about taking our relationship to the next level. And that’s great!

[Eighty_nine]

There's something I don't understand about how you communicate with your boyfriend. I'm surprised to hear that he only found out last night that you were renewing the lease. You had told us here a few weeks ago that you intended to do so. Why is he the last to know? You've been set on this plan for awhile. Why did it take you so long to tell him?

 

Do you think you could be more forthcoming with him about your thought process and issues about the move? I sometimes get the impression that you hide things from him, as if you think that if he knew too much he would manipulate you or the situation.

 

This stands out to me too. Sure, it takes time to get there but in a serious relationship you shouldn't be hinting at issues or talking about them in vague terms, while you tell us and others your true feelings. You should be able to say to him: "do you want to marry me? I need to know because I need to know what to do next in this relationship." The fact that you two do not seem to communicate in a very direct manner makes it seem like perhaps you are not that close. At this point you should be able to be pretty blunt and direct.

[venusishername]

The'secret project' could be a secret trip to CA for your first anniversary! It iscoming any time now, right? Just remember your own words We aren’t rushing into marriage. We are interestedin talking about it and can see that in the future, but we still are getting to know. and ask the right questions sooner than later.

I don't want to guess about what he meant in a text message! I asked him about it and I think he meant to say that he was just planning for the future with me and taking the time for our relationship. Not sure exactly what that means, but I take it to mean it isn't specifically a project, but more so he's working on how we can be together very soon. He's always made it happen all along so I don't doubt he will be planning to see me as soon as possible, if not get me out there in early November.

 

This stands out to me too. Sure, it takes time to get there but in a serious relationship you shouldn't be hinting at issues or talking about them in vague terms, while you tell us and others your true feelings. You should be able tosay to him: "do you want to marry me? I need to know because I need toknow what to do next in this relationship." The fact that you two do notseem to communicate in a very direct manner makes it seem like perhaps you are not that close. At this point you should be able to be pretty blunt and direct.

I understand what you mean. By the way, I'm glad to hear from you again,Lissvarna! I guessed you had been busy lately

Well, here's where I get a little turned around. I thought the whole idea of me moving there would be for us to determine for sure whether we 100% want to get married and work on the day to day relationship issues that don't involve a vacation or longing. Since we have never lived in the same city, the move there would allow us to determine whether we would be compatible daily and in the long term. Right? So can either one of us say right now with all certainty, yes, we want to get married? I think it should be that way before moving, but in reality, I'm not sure it can be? I would like to think that we are just as close to 100% sure that we want to get married before any big changes are made. So- I guess the reason I have not made any big changes yet, and neither has he, is because we are both not as close to 100% sure that we are ready for that. BUT- we are getting close... I myself am working on it.

How do you know for sure if the guy you love is worth risking it all for? I read that in an article today and it struck a chord with me..

 

Here's the thing... I COULD ask him that but I really think that he is seriously considering it and is pretty close to being sure of it. I wouldn't be thinking about moving there if I didn't think so!! After this last visit in particular a few weeks ago, I am even MORE sure than before... getting there though, still.

He mentioned 'ring' again tonight, I mean he talks about weddings, he pointed out an engagement ring that he liked, all this before and apart from any talk about me moving there. He seems nearly convinced that he wants to...even a few months ago he had asked ME if I wanted to marry him! He said,"would you want to marry me?" - kind of fishing around to see what Iwould say. This was a few months ago so I was noncommittal and unsure. I said "I think so, but I'm still getting to know you." I dunno, in this situation I don't feel much pressing doubt that he is seriously thinking about marrying me... so I kind of already know that if I move there it is with our intention that we have that goal.

 

I just never had any of these feelings or discussions about marriage with any man before.. so I take it to be more of a probability with him. I know talking is just talking.. but we wouldn't be talking about it at all if we weren't seriously considering.

 

I just wanted to clarify that he already knew that I was placing an ad and interviewing people to look at the place (to rent a room in my condo). So itwasn't complete news to him that I decided to renew the lease. I had told him at the beginning of the month that I wasn't ready to quit my job, pack up everything, and leave where I live by October 1. I told him that I just neededmore time to do all that at once. So he knew my thought process, I just found someone for sure to move in the other day, which is why I was able to say for certain that I was staying on... My point is he knew I wasn't ready to move out just yet. Ironically this all transpired around the time of our visit, which,in my mind, solidified a lot as far as feeling really connected and in tune with him. I could 'imagine' what it would be like to be his wife and to be with him every day, because I could sense that it could likely be imminent... so the lease turnaround just happened to fall right around the same time that I (and he) seemed to feel more convinced of it.

 

He told me tonight that he feels happier when I'm around... and he just can't seem to get it out of his head about how much he wants us to just be at home together. I think he's coming to realize that I'm not going to just move in.... but he's still not going to stop talking about what it will be like when I do.

 

As far as the hard questions about long term compatibility- we touched on the having kids issue tonight. He happened to bring it up.. I don't want to write too much more tonight but he confirmed what I already know.. that he is open tohaving a child(ren), but he would like to be married first and that he feels it is very important to be as financially secure as possible because having a child is a huge financial responsibility, and he isn't ready right now today to do that for those reasons, 1. because we're not married and 2. because he feels he needs to have a sense of financial stability in that he doesn't want to have to worry about money.

I asked him what is it that would make him feel more secure, because he seems to be doing pretty well as far as his work goes, etc.I told him if there were two incomes involved wouldn't that alleviate a lot ofthe pressure of worrying about money? He agreed. Sometimes I think he feels a pressure about money that is almost imagined or exaggerated... because everytime I've seen him lately or by simply observing his lifestyle.... I mean, he doesn't seem to be wanting for too much. Also that's the nature of his work too, he's independent so it's not always a weekly paycheck.. he makes more than I do on average, from what I've seen, but he doesn't get it biweekly. Sometimes I wonder what he means by that, when he says he wants to be more financially secure... how could he accomplish that? He says by doing what he is doing, and saving as much as possible. I see him spending, I don't see him saving because I don't know what is being saved versus what is being spent. He knows thisbothers me, when he's complaining about not being secure, then what are you going to do about it? I have to ask him that every time he talks about money because when he complains it bothers me if he's not doing anything about what he complains about.

 

Anyway, about kids. One of the big deal breakers. He knows very well that I want to have kids. He knows at my age now, I would be perfectly happy having one child, but I don't want to have kids just for the sake of having kids. I wantto be married, I don't want to be a single mom, I would rather have a marriage and a family would follow naturally from that. One child is fine by me, since I'm in my early thirties now. He knows exactly how I feel. He also knows that if we don't want the same thing in that way, then that would be a deal breaker for me. So, from what he has explicitly told me about having a child, he wants to be married first and feels it is a very great financial stress and I can see that makes him a bit nervous. He's already had two, so I mean... to actively try and have another child proactively... not seeing that he's there. I can just tell having another child makes him a bit nervous right now.... That's all.

 

He knows I would like to, he's open to it. It's not as if he's saying, "no, I don't want any more children." If he did, I would be forced to reconsider this as a long term compatibility. So for such an important factor, I don't seethat we aren't on the same page as far as that goes.

 

I don't feel that we are incompatible on the child issue. Unless I am overlooking something, I don't see that I would have to sacrifice what I want because he doesn't want the same. The only difference I see is that he is not actively trying to have a child, and planning to get pregnant, etc. For example, some couples I know actively try to have children and stop taking birth control,talk openly to people about how they're "trying", etc. Some guys really want to have kids, mostly younger men that I know in their early thirties who are married.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that he could take it or leave it, whereas I would really like to plan on having a child after I am married. Could that be an incompatibility? Mmmm...? Eh...not sure...?

 

We realize that it could happen, and if we were married it would follow from marriage most likely, and we both agreed that if and when that happened, we could just do our best and figure it out together and make it work, just like we have been doing with everything else in our lives... but as a couple we could take on things as a team. Things that come up unexpectedly, for example having a child, losing a job, a death in the family, accidents, etc.... these are parts of life and you can't go around afraid of how you could manage if those things come up. You just do your very best and make it work. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep on keeping on and all that.

Edited September 21, 2016 by venusishername

[lana-banana]

You can't ever know if someone is worth risking it all, but what matters is you're willing to take that risk. When you reach the point where you love someone so much you wouldn't hesitate to wager your life and give up everything you have for them, then you should take the risk and get married. Of course it can be a bad bet. But part of being human is believing in ourselves despite the odds, right?

[venusishername]

You can't ever know if someone is worth risking it all, but what matters is you're willing to take that risk. When you reach the point where you love someone so much you wouldn't hesitate to wager your life and give up everything you have for them, then you should take the risk and get married. Of course it can be a bad bet. But part of being human is believing in ourselves despite the odds, right?

 

YES, you are exactly right. You can never really know for sure, no one can. But I totally agree, once you reach the point that you are willing to take the risk, then it is the right time. Working on it, Lana!

[venusishername]

Good point @Kamille.

 

And I must admit, there are times when I find myself thinking OP that your decision-making is as impulsive and emotional as your boyfriend's is.

You are a single professional yet you yourself don't have much money saved up either. I get that you live in a high-rent area. For most zipcodes in SoCal though, there ARE cheaper places to live that are still a liveable drive from work and whatnot and that are still safe. You probably could be living there and putting away the money you'd be saving on rent. You're not living in one of those cheaper places though, you are living in an area you can barely afford.

More to the point, I find it concerning how you've said a few times in your posts how you wished you had met a well-off guy who lives local but that didn't happen. That's not an encouraging way to be talking when you are supposedly in love with someone else. And from your threads on here from the not-so-long ago past, the stable steady guy wasn't the type of guy you were attracted to anyway. You mentioned EXPLICITLY in one of your previous threads (from the end of 2014, not that long ago) how you could not be happy with a salesman or lawyer--you needed someone who lived on the edge. Which is great. BUT, you'd do yourself well to realize that it's not about the SoCal men sucking or not stepping up or rejecting you; instead YOU chose the situation you are in right now, and either realize that you love your boyfriend for who he is including his flaws, OR decide that you need to go a different direction.

I just wanted to comment on this, since it made me think. You are right- I did choose not to continue on with some other men in the past, I did always see myself ending up with someone who I thought checked off all the 'boxes' on my list.

I guess I should be more clear in that I don't want anyone else, but maybe I do feel bad that some things didn't work out in my past, of course. There have been guys that I've dated that really liked me and were good men and stable and steady and by the books, but I wasn't attracted to them in every way like I am my current boyfriend. I mean to say- you can't help who you fall in love with. So, you're right, I am making a choice. Thanks for reminding me of that. I think that with my bf I thrive off the stimulation he gives me… I’m the kind of person who gets bored easily. I’ve been out with lots of guys before that made me snooze and I felt bored and they couldn’t hold my interest. I need someone who isn’t going to be sitting on the couch every night drinking beer, or who acts like an old man before his time. I chat with one of my girlfriends about this. She had an ex like that and she hated it. She wanted someone to push her comfort zone, and who was social and always coming up with fun ideas, and who was lively and passionate. That’s my bf and I’m so glad he is that way. I really that that’s what has kept me interested, among other things. He stimulates me, I’m attracted to him physically, emotionally, mentally. I want that stability and security, but my guy is never going to fit that mold of the corporate guy or the 9-5 professional. That is what I am surrounded with so I kinda figured that’s who I’d end up with. I realize that you just can’t help who you are attracted to, but I am making this choice.

As far as your comment about me living somewhere I “can barely afford”- that isn’t true. I can afford it. I just don’t save much after the rent, student loan payment, bills, vacations, my lifestyle, etc. I wanted to save on rent which is why I live with a roommate. I used to live on my own but spending almost $2k for a one bedroom apartment isn’t very smart when you could cut that in half if you get a shared place. Since I am now becoming more serious about saving, yes, it makes sense to look into even MORE affordable housing options, but that would mean a 1 hour commute each way, if I stay in CA. New Orleans is significantly less expensive to live, which is why I am looking into some options there.

 

Just some thoughts: What kind of questions should one be asking their significant other before determining if compatible for long term? I’ve already asked him and we have discussed the kid issue. What else? I told him that I’ve been thinking about all this, the move, the future… but I have some questions I want to ask him, but that I need to reflect and make sure I am asking in the right way, and what I want to ask. That is what I am reflecting on right now. Before I actually make any big moves. He said “ok, that’s good.” He knows I’m trying to evaluate this relationship and if we are compatible, same as he is. I think this is a good place to be. And I’m ready to ask some questions.

Just getting the thoughts out:

1. Kids: whether we want to have them. I do and would be happy with one, he’s open to it but gets nervous about cost, likle b.

2. Plans for long term living: where we want to live, housing, saving to buy. To agree that we will put money aside together, each month, to buy in the future, or move to a nicer place. If he’s perfectly happy staying where he is (he might be), I don’t want to live there for the rest of my days, unless we do major remodel,… point is I want to own property but want to do that with my husband. That means saving together, not one person is carrying the responsibility. He may not care to do that. But I want to know that we will be consistently putting our money away together, not separately, for a down payment, and/or major purchases such as car, vacations, remodel, etc. I would be ok with living in his house, but would prefer to have something that we own. He may inherit that house, likely, but if that’s the case I would want to make some changes to it. It is kind of small. It has 4 bedrooms, but I have no idea how long his daughter will live there. Basically I need to ask him: where do you want to live in 5 years? 10 years? Are you happy staying where you are and renting for an indefinite period of time, or are you interested in putting money aside with me every month to buy a nicer place?

3. What are your plans for your retirement? Do you have Social Security benefits? Do you have money going into your pension? How much is in there and are you putting more into it on a consistent basis when on the union contract? (I ask about SS because if he’s working as an independent contractor my understanding is that you aren’t paying SS taxes.) I don’t want to be supporting BOTH of us on my SS and retirement savings.

4. What kind of health coverage do you have and would it cover me if we were married, and if we had a child? (As long as I’m working full time, I will have insurance, but I don’t want to be the only one in the relationship who can and will provide insurance.

5. What are your ideas about raising a child? (He was never a day to day father, every day raising the kids… granted he knows much more about having kids than I do). Can we agree on both parents taking an active role in caring for the child? That means not one person (the mother) will be stuck waking up all night long, cleaning, feeding, caring, feeding, etc. If I was able to stay home with the child (at least part time), I would be able to take on more of the primary be caregiver role. Is that a possibility? If not, are you willing to share all the responsibilities of having/raising a child? Are you willing and capable of that? Note: I would only be concerned about this because he already does have two kids and he was not there in their every day home lives every single day as your ‘typical dad’ figure. Will he do that with our child? Does he want to? (I think he does but his past experience as a father when the kids were young children makes me question).

6. Religion: (not important to me, not a factor, I’m a baptized Catholic who grew up in Catholic school, have been an atheist since high school and do not ever plan to go back to the church.)

Is this an issue for you? *he’s raised Christian and his family is religious on both sides. He does occasionally go to church but is not a very religious person. Does he want religion as part of our lives? It is not important to me, the only thing I would prefer is if our child went to private school, but not necessarily religious.

7. Saving (and spending) money: how will we delegate the saving and spending of joint expenses? Are you willing to open a joint account (only if we’re married) to put money in together, every month, no exceptions for joint savings, joint responsibilities like house, bills,etc. Are we both willing to change some of our spending habits for the sake of making a long term lasting and happy relationship? ! * this is what makes me question the long term compatibility- he spends like a bachelor so can he alter those spending habits to be more conservative?

Basically- I would be happy taking over the finances in this relationship… I’m good at managing and planning. He is not. He can take charge of other things I’m not so good at, like building, repairing, home remodel, car repair, etc.

8. Alcohol consumption: he doesn’t drink more than one or two drinks, at most. I definitely enjoy a couple drinks on occasion but he makes it well known that he’s against abuse of alcohol. He has a bottle of wine at his house but asked me not to drink around his daughter or father in his house. He seems extremely protective over his kids as far as alcohol and drug usage… considering being from New Orleans which is a city of vices, he’s very strict about exposing them to alcohol, etc. I like to drink, not so much in excess anymore, but I can put down a bottle of wine with friends over the course of a couple hours having a good time. I also like to drink a stiff cocktail after a rough week at work. I like to have a glass of wine while cooking sometimes. I drink once or twice a week, max nowadays. My friends still binge drink but I got over it. I had to find some healthier activities. Bf has half a drink if we go out and I end up drinking mine and his. Can he deal with my preference for alcohol and having a reasonable expectation of that? Is he going to have a problem with that?

9. Lifestyle: schedule. He works long hours sometimes, and often works as an independent contractor so he can make his own hours in that case. Are we going to make it work on a similar schedule? I know this sounds nitpicky but if he’s up late, out late working, I’m home with baby, I have to wake up early to work in my office job, and he’s sleeping in, etc. I need to be on a (somewhat) similar lifestyle schedule. Can we do this?

Case in point: my ex, at the end of our relationship, did not work. He went to ‘online school’. So I was working from 8-12 and going to night school full time at one point, he was out drinking until late so I didn’t sleep well, and he’d be sleeping in every day when I got up (killed my attraction to him, btw). Don’t want a repeat of that.

As far as family values, we are completely compatible in that way. Those are the questions I’d like to find out the answers to, as best as I can, before I move across the country and/or marry this man.

[No_Go]

I think it is a good list, somewhat redundant. Looking at it it boils down to the following (I italicized the things I added):

1) Kids: yes/no, 1 or more, when approximately, will religion play part in their upbringing, parental style, how the parental tasks will be split, time off/part time work for one or both or other solution

2) House/location: current, renovate or move, when?, will the current house be inherited with right of selling it?, plans for living together with other family members (his daughter) in long term?

3) Finances: joint accounts - yes/no, retirement savings - so far, current retirement saving strategy, plan for retirement saving post-marriage; insurances - how to manage post-marriage - individually, you cover both, or he covers both?; Expected inheritance - he, you; management of bills post-marriage (e.g. equal amounts in joined account, discuss spending of x amount before doing it etc); planned major purchases; estimated earning potential

4) Lifestyle: time together, work hours vs family hours vs me-time, time/money-consuming hobbies , vices, (in)tolerance to vices of the other (alcohol etc); split of house chores

 

I pretty much thing that's all practical that you need to know to determine if you're a marriage material for each other.

 

The only caveat: this is to gain info, not to try to mend the other in your mold (usually leading to breaking the relationship).

 

Just evaluate what you know already, ask the remaining questions to fill the gaps and make your informed decision to move forward or not.

Edited September 22, 2016 by No_Go